Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s08e04 Episode Script
In Memory of Elizabeth Reed
On tonight's show-- Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Do you dig me? Can you get my message?
Do you hear what I'm saying?
William shatner.
That's incorrect.
Bill shatman.
No.
I'm the space guy.
I'm captain kirk.
Outer space shows are for children and stupid people.
- What are you say--
- hang on, shat.
Let me just rub my eyes here for a moment.
Oh, man.
Oh, do I itch.
I thought that I was coming here
to publicize some of my projects.
I'm--
wow, I shouldn't be itching like this.
Oh, man.
I have the urge to leave.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Food court's downstairs, if you want
to scope out some eye candy, bill.
Funny how those words came out of you.
That shows you the mind meld is working.
That shows you the mind meld is working.
Bang a left past the 4-dimensional biometric transfer portal.
Here, I'll open it for you.
I forgot how primitive you are.
You should really get one of these on your show.
Oh, wait. You don't have a show.
You don't have a show.
You don't have a show! You don't have a show!
You don't have a show.
Hey, remember that one "space trek"
episode where your show got canceled?
Remember that one?
No. I remember nothing about "star trek"--
Double red alert!
That sound means it's time for my death struggle with zorak!
That sound means it's time for my death struggle with zorak!
Uh, Space Ghost, zorak had to cancel.
What?
He says he's got a heating and air conditioning guy
coming over to his house to blow out his ducts.
Huh.
UhSorry.
You mind covering for him?
What do you mean?
Go by his house and let the guy in.
That way the death struggle happens and the ducts get blown.
Yeah, well, I don't have a key.
Why don't you get a key then?
I don't have a key.
Why don't you get a key then?
I don't have a key.
Why don't you get a key then?
- I don't have a--
- why don't you get a--
- key.
- Key then?
I have a key.
- Why don't you--
- I have a key.
Zorak, give Moltar your key,
and then you and I can go fight that duct guy.
I don't want to give Moltar my key.
They're hard to make!
Ok, I'll go fight the guy.
Happy?
Why am I on this show?
Well, thank you all for being here.
My guest-- - so Bill,
you like blue boobs better or green ones?
Shut up, idiot!
I don't know. This is very strange.
I don't know. This is very strange.
You guys are frightening me a little bit, I got to tell you.
My guest tonight is the great William shatner.
William shatner, everybody.
Yes, kudos to me, and congratulations.
Mr. shatner, I got to tell you, "trek" rules, "wars" drools!
There's a great deal of similarity between
"star wars" and "star trek," I've got to admit.
Like what?
Space.
Which leads me to the question on everyone's mind.
Why is everyone on "star trek" black?
Shut up, zorak.
What have you got against white people?
Zorak, shut up.
Huh?
I guess we're not on the same wavelength.
My question is, can I have your autograph?
I don't sign my name anymore.
Ok.
Yeah, I have a business manager to do that.
Would you like my business manager's signature?
What, are you kidding me?
What, are you kidding me?
Great!
Aha!
Look here, air conditioning and heating guy!
It's time for Space Ghost to blow your ducts!
En garde!
"And as the enterprise began its gentle orbit
around the planet vulcan It was then kirk--"
uhDown to "Knew the federation would survive."
UhLet's see "The end."
SoWhat do you think?
- Well
- Not bad for fan fiction, huh?
I'm afraid to tell you.
That's not the story you wrote.
Yes, it is!
Your story had naked men in it.
Ugh! The laser clothes were his powers!
Bouncing around.
I had to undress him toDisarm him.
So why didn't you just use lasers?
It was a time before lasers!
"It was a time before lasers!"
You just need to shut up!
So, uhBlue boobs or green boobs?
You guys are just making me feel very uncomfortable.
Ha ha!
You're mine, duct guy!
Zorak, didn't you and I fight to the death?
Sounds pretty dumb, man.
I did. I killed him.
I fought zorak to the death, I thought.
So, uhYou know what, I was wondering
Nichelle Nichols ever hit on you?
Boingy, boingy.
I put it on stun quite a bit.
All right.
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
I killed my best friend ever!
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?
Why, herve? Why?
Herve! Herve! Herve!
Hey, his name was Fernando, man.
Where's herve?
I'm herve!
I love a good donkey.
You can take a donkey by the ear and hold on tight-- - uh, ok.
And ride across the range and look really rather romantic,
while you hold onto the ear and you're riding bareback.
You ever been to a donkey show, bill?
Moltar!
I'mBack now.
They finish blowing my ducts?
Sure, they're finished.
I have scars.
Big deal, Space Ghost.
Mr. shatner here was wounded 3 times in the "tekwars."
Mr. shatner here was wounded 3 times in the "tekwars."
- Yeah, right.
- It's true!
- Yeah, right.
- It's true!
- That's correct.
- Let's see some scars.
I beg your pardon?
Prove it, tough guy! Let's see some scars.
- The--I did--
- prove it.
- I did, uh
- Prove it.
- I don't think--
- prove it.
I'll have to take my pants off.
Bill, it's a trap!
Moltar, knock it off!
But his pants are lasers, and he'll be defenseless!
You and I need to have a talk.
Uh
In private.
What do you want?
You called me.
- Moltar--
- hey, uh
You got a giant metal hook sticking out of your head.
Enough of your lies!
Enough of your lies!
Moltar, I'm worried about this super computer situation.
You know, you're You're bleeding there.
It's computing things that I don't like, quite frankly.
That's a tv monitor!
What's that you're wearing?
I, uh--
it's so sexy and skintight, Moltar.
It's so sexy and skintight, Moltar.
Space Ghost, I don't-- - this super
computer needs to be destroyed!
No, no, no, no!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Confound it! I'm left with but one choice!
Confound it! I'm left with but one choice!
Great Scott, Space Ghost! Not another rock!
Even better!
This is the first rock!
No, no, no! What are you doing?
No, no, no! What are you doing?
I am confusing the super computer with logic,
when it thinks I'm going to hit it with a rock.
This is my hand.
That That super computer was no match for my
Patented Um, something.
Space Ghost.
Space Ghost. Space Ghost.
I've noticed you really don't have
the intelligence to be a really big star.
Space Ghost.
Something feels Different.
I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show more than Jay leno.
I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show more than Jay leno.
Ow. Zorak, give me a hand, would you?
Ow!
- Wow!
- Ok, put it back in.
Put it back in.
Ha ha!
What is that thing on my head?
It's a crown? You're the king.
That's right. I'm the king.
Hey Rocket man One more thing.
Yes.
- I'd like to name my own price
- I'd like to name my own price
for your big, sweet ass.
Can you hear me?
Do you dig me? Can you get my message?
Do you hear what I'm saying?
William shatner.
That's incorrect.
Bill shatman.
No.
I'm the space guy.
I'm captain kirk.
Outer space shows are for children and stupid people.
- What are you say--
- hang on, shat.
Let me just rub my eyes here for a moment.
Oh, man.
Oh, do I itch.
I thought that I was coming here
to publicize some of my projects.
I'm--
wow, I shouldn't be itching like this.
Oh, man.
I have the urge to leave.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Food court's downstairs, if you want
to scope out some eye candy, bill.
Funny how those words came out of you.
That shows you the mind meld is working.
That shows you the mind meld is working.
Bang a left past the 4-dimensional biometric transfer portal.
Here, I'll open it for you.
I forgot how primitive you are.
You should really get one of these on your show.
Oh, wait. You don't have a show.
You don't have a show.
You don't have a show! You don't have a show!
You don't have a show.
Hey, remember that one "space trek"
episode where your show got canceled?
Remember that one?
No. I remember nothing about "star trek"--
Double red alert!
That sound means it's time for my death struggle with zorak!
That sound means it's time for my death struggle with zorak!
Uh, Space Ghost, zorak had to cancel.
What?
He says he's got a heating and air conditioning guy
coming over to his house to blow out his ducts.
Huh.
UhSorry.
You mind covering for him?
What do you mean?
Go by his house and let the guy in.
That way the death struggle happens and the ducts get blown.
Yeah, well, I don't have a key.
Why don't you get a key then?
I don't have a key.
Why don't you get a key then?
I don't have a key.
Why don't you get a key then?
- I don't have a--
- why don't you get a--
- key.
- Key then?
I have a key.
- Why don't you--
- I have a key.
Zorak, give Moltar your key,
and then you and I can go fight that duct guy.
I don't want to give Moltar my key.
They're hard to make!
Ok, I'll go fight the guy.
Happy?
Why am I on this show?
Well, thank you all for being here.
My guest-- - so Bill,
you like blue boobs better or green ones?
Shut up, idiot!
I don't know. This is very strange.
I don't know. This is very strange.
You guys are frightening me a little bit, I got to tell you.
My guest tonight is the great William shatner.
William shatner, everybody.
Yes, kudos to me, and congratulations.
Mr. shatner, I got to tell you, "trek" rules, "wars" drools!
There's a great deal of similarity between
"star wars" and "star trek," I've got to admit.
Like what?
Space.
Which leads me to the question on everyone's mind.
Why is everyone on "star trek" black?
Shut up, zorak.
What have you got against white people?
Zorak, shut up.
Huh?
I guess we're not on the same wavelength.
My question is, can I have your autograph?
I don't sign my name anymore.
Ok.
Yeah, I have a business manager to do that.
Would you like my business manager's signature?
What, are you kidding me?
What, are you kidding me?
Great!
Aha!
Look here, air conditioning and heating guy!
It's time for Space Ghost to blow your ducts!
En garde!
"And as the enterprise began its gentle orbit
around the planet vulcan It was then kirk--"
uhDown to "Knew the federation would survive."
UhLet's see "The end."
SoWhat do you think?
- Well
- Not bad for fan fiction, huh?
I'm afraid to tell you.
That's not the story you wrote.
Yes, it is!
Your story had naked men in it.
Ugh! The laser clothes were his powers!
Bouncing around.
I had to undress him toDisarm him.
So why didn't you just use lasers?
It was a time before lasers!
"It was a time before lasers!"
You just need to shut up!
So, uhBlue boobs or green boobs?
You guys are just making me feel very uncomfortable.
Ha ha!
You're mine, duct guy!
Zorak, didn't you and I fight to the death?
Sounds pretty dumb, man.
I did. I killed him.
I fought zorak to the death, I thought.
So, uhYou know what, I was wondering
Nichelle Nichols ever hit on you?
Boingy, boingy.
I put it on stun quite a bit.
All right.
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
I killed my best friend ever!
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?
Why, herve? Why?
Herve! Herve! Herve!
Hey, his name was Fernando, man.
Where's herve?
I'm herve!
I love a good donkey.
You can take a donkey by the ear and hold on tight-- - uh, ok.
And ride across the range and look really rather romantic,
while you hold onto the ear and you're riding bareback.
You ever been to a donkey show, bill?
Moltar!
I'mBack now.
They finish blowing my ducts?
Sure, they're finished.
I have scars.
Big deal, Space Ghost.
Mr. shatner here was wounded 3 times in the "tekwars."
Mr. shatner here was wounded 3 times in the "tekwars."
- Yeah, right.
- It's true!
- Yeah, right.
- It's true!
- That's correct.
- Let's see some scars.
I beg your pardon?
Prove it, tough guy! Let's see some scars.
- The--I did--
- prove it.
- I did, uh
- Prove it.
- I don't think--
- prove it.
I'll have to take my pants off.
Bill, it's a trap!
Moltar, knock it off!
But his pants are lasers, and he'll be defenseless!
You and I need to have a talk.
Uh
In private.
What do you want?
You called me.
- Moltar--
- hey, uh
You got a giant metal hook sticking out of your head.
Enough of your lies!
Enough of your lies!
Moltar, I'm worried about this super computer situation.
You know, you're You're bleeding there.
It's computing things that I don't like, quite frankly.
That's a tv monitor!
What's that you're wearing?
I, uh--
it's so sexy and skintight, Moltar.
It's so sexy and skintight, Moltar.
Space Ghost, I don't-- - this super
computer needs to be destroyed!
No, no, no, no!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Confound it! I'm left with but one choice!
Confound it! I'm left with but one choice!
Great Scott, Space Ghost! Not another rock!
Even better!
This is the first rock!
No, no, no! What are you doing?
No, no, no! What are you doing?
I am confusing the super computer with logic,
when it thinks I'm going to hit it with a rock.
This is my hand.
That That super computer was no match for my
Patented Um, something.
Space Ghost.
Space Ghost. Space Ghost.
I've noticed you really don't have
the intelligence to be a really big star.
Space Ghost.
Something feels Different.
I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show more than Jay leno.
I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show more than Jay leno.
Ow. Zorak, give me a hand, would you?
Ow!
- Wow!
- Ok, put it back in.
Put it back in.
Ha ha!
What is that thing on my head?
It's a crown? You're the king.
That's right. I'm the king.
Hey Rocket man One more thing.
Yes.
- I'd like to name my own price
- I'd like to name my own price
for your big, sweet ass.