8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s08e05 Episode Script
Johnny Vegas, Reginald D Hunter, Sara Pascoe
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Claudia Winkleman, Johnny Vegas, Reginald D Hunter, Sara Pascoe, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the term "pot luck" originally meant a cooking pot containing a range of unknown ingredients? But it's now been rebranded as Pot Noodle.
600,000 barrels of oil accidentally spill into the sea every year, but it's OK, because we'll just mop it all up using sea birds.
It's what they're for.
And the Arabic word for nipple is "buzz", which means I can start foreplay with the words "fingers on buzzers.
" Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon oozes coolness and charm.
Well, it must have leaked out somewhere, because there's certainly none left.
And Jon's team mate, Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE Reg is not the only D Hunter on the show.
The other is Susie Dent - she's always hunting the D.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain, Claudia Winkleman.
APPLAUSE I'm not saying Claudia's too orange, but she got her first break in show business when the man from Del Monte said yes.
And joining Claudia tonight, it's Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE Johnny treats his body like a temple.
Unfortunately, it's one of those temples that's been ruined by Isis.
Johnny was once described as "the thinking woman's crumpet", because when women look at him, they think, "I bet he eats a lot of crumpets.
" Claudia, you present Strictly.
Who do you think here would be the best dancer? - Johnny.
- Johnny? - Oh, that's not even Was that a proper question? Johnny would be majestic.
She's only saying it cos he's on her team! That's not true, I think he'd be masterful, cos he'd be like, "I'm not really"and then boom! Argentine tango, leg spins I actually can't remember how the dances go.
- They don't really I've seen Strictly a few times, they don't really focus on that part of the dance that goes boom! Du-dum! Can you show us some moves, Johnny? - Have you got any moves? - What, just sat here, like Dun, du-dun? That's enough.
Ten! - Ten.
- I have a healthy disrespect for ladies' toes.
That's what you've got to do when you're leading someone in the dance.
- You see? - They may well end up crippled, but just drag 'em with you for the ride.
Johnny, it says here that you used to make people laugh at school by playing a Hawaiian tune on your nose.
- Yeah.
- Is that a real thing? - Can we hear that? - Do you want? Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Vegas on the nose.
HE HUMS "ALOHA OE" NASALLY CONTINUES HUMMING PITCH INCREASES OK, do you think you'll make a good team this evening, Johnny? I think we'll make a great team.
We're like Mulder and Scully.
- The words are out there.
- They are.
We just have to find them.
Yeah, I think we stand a There's always him, standing in the way.
Reginald, no offence, I feel a bit more confident .
.
that Jon's been teamed up with you, having heard that your past appearances on here have been as successful as mine.
Yeah, well, last time you were on the show, you got no points.
I mean, I wanted to point out to both of you, I was just sitting here next to Jon, I wasn't even messing with y'all, so I don't know why you're coming at me like that.
No, it is true that the last time I was here that I did not score a point, but I think my team, we lost by a point, didn't we? So that means that my partner got everything and if I had just contributed one thing, we would have tied.
So that's the reason why I've decided to come back.
I did not come back to win.
I came back to score one point.
Realistic aims, I like that.
Good idea.
Are there any kind of American words or phrases - that you kind of miss, living over here? - Erm "You win.
" "Rice is complimentary with your meal.
" - I do love the fact, when you get breadsticks in America, they're proper French loaves.
They're not the little - I mean, that's the reason why a lot of people are big in America, cos people go out and you might be able to pull somebody and you might not, but a Big Mac is always 99 cents, baby.
Yeah, good point, well made.
Jon, obviously Countdown is the most exciting thing in your life.
How do you fill the days waiting for the next Countdown? I have a lot of hobbies.
I spend a lot of time giving online feedback.
You don't realise when you buy something that you're entering into a six-month relationship.
I didn't realise quite how insecure some companies are, but I would say I've spent more time talking to Safestyle than my wife.
I get so worried about what's happening to my back doors and windows that I'm worried that they know that, at some point, they might fuck up.
And then you get little questionnaires about what your driver smelt like when he delivered your item, what the weather was like and whether you're going on holiday, and some people choose to ignore those e-mails and I choose to give full and frank feedback, and I think I'm single-handedly responsible for the great level of service that we receive in this country.
So you're responsible? - You're welcome.
- Do you think you're going to win this evening? Er Who knows? Reg might get a point Johnny might get a point Claudia might get a point so I only need a 4 to win.
It's an excellent attitude to have.
Have you got a mascot this evening? - What have you got? - Well, it's more of a new toy, Jimmy.
I don't know if you've heard of this new technology, the pedometer.
It's for helping you sort of keep fit in your life.
This is the most cutting-edge.
It measures everything I do.
I burn 200 calories a day tutting at bad grammar.
It's good to know those things.
And the goal is that - it lights up, you see, with how many steps - and the goal is to get to 10,000 steps a day, but what they don't tell you is that it doesn't stop at 10,000, so it's a bit like when you're refilling your car.
If I go over 10,000, I have to do another 10,000, cos it'sit's not even.
So if it's 10,001, I'm knackered.
So I have to measure how many steps it is from my TV to my bed, 27 .
.
and if I get home from work and I've had my tea and I'm not on 9973 steps, I'm knackered.
I either have to take very big ones and sometimes I fall down the stairs.
That counts as well.
Bouncy-bouncy.
And then, if I get to 10,002, I've got to round it up to another 20,000, so I haven't seen my wife for weeks.
OK.
Reg, have you got a mascot? This is the mascot I brought the last time.
His name is Pembleton, and Pembleton was with me when I was robbed of any points on this show and, um, and, er he felt bad about it, he felt like it was his fault, he wanted to come back and make amends and I'm with a guy that has a high IQ, but, you know, low self-esteem, and Why would you say that about me?! He's also the same size as Pembleton.
And I believe that Jon Richardson and I have a more than equal chance of emerging victorious.
And if I get two points early, I'm taking off the mic and I'm going home.
Claudia, have you got a mascot? Well, mascots, plural, because I thought it would be quite nice for us to feel cosy and soft at the beginning, and who does that? A baby animal.
So, please, could my dad bring them in? - Here he is.
- So, what have you got? - We've got some - I'll just Thank you so much.
- TWEETING I thought some cartoon character had been hit on the head.
Look what we've got.
- Aww! - That one's yours .
.
and this one's mine.
- Aww, come here.
- Oh, my God.
- This is - I won't hurt you.
- Would you like one? They are pretty adorable.
Are they spares in case you crush the first two? - Yeah.
These are baby chicks and you know their favourite thing? When they're this little, they just like being Oh, no! No, no, no! - You can't fly yet, young man.
- No! - I was the same at his age.
And they just like been handled, and I thought that would just make us feel cosy.
- Aww, look at this! - Look! I'm going to change my ways! Oh, you just wait till the Colonel gets to them, Johnny, - they'll be delicious.
- I know, but they're lovely this size, cos you can eat 'em whole and just cough up the bones.
# Where is love? Does it come from skies above? Kiss me, but don't get addicted to nicotine.
OK, we're going to get those deep-fried and then we'll have them as a little snack - in the ad break.
- Do you know what? This is often what's going on in my mind when you're talking to me.
Is it? Yeah, when people chat Oh, is he OK? He's pooing on his arm.
- It's all right, mate, there's - HE SNIFFS .
.
there's some down the back as well.
Bye, babies! - Bye-bye! - Excellent mascoting.
Well played.
APPLAUSE Johnny, did you bring a mascot? It's a pictorial diary that I kept when I was at college and it was based on hieroglyphics.
My writing isn't so good, so I could put things down in pictorial form, but it was coded and nobody would know what I was talking about.
- Yeah.
- I can't talk you through all of 'em, cos some of 'em I don't quite remember.
I was drinking rather heavily at the time.
- Really, Johnny? - I think this one represents impotence and the social divide between, erm obviously some starfish I was trying to have sex with.
All of these are beer or when I spilt things or when I said things I regretted.
Listen, you could study this all day, it's a psychoanalysist's wet dream.
I don't know why I brought it in as a mascot.
Yeah, how's that going to help you this evening? Because I wanted to bring in Action Man and you wouldn't let me, cos you couldn't clear it! That's the real truth.
I had a Talking Commander with the bike and the sidecar and they said, "Oh, no, we'll never get clearance for that," like he's still selling, madly, in the shops(!) He's Action Man, not an iPad! So I didn't.
I had to come in and make myself emotionally naked by showing these images of just how badly college went for me! Thanks a lot, Jimmy(!) APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sara Pascoe! APPLAUSE When Sara was younger, she voluntarily declared herself bankrupt.
There's no shame in it, I've been declared bankrupt myself.
Morally bankrupt, by the Daily Mail.
How are you feeling about being in Dictionary Corner? I'm thrilled to be here.
Obviously, I've been here before, but only as a contestant, but today I'm here in a special capacity as a businessman to launch my new trivia board game.
So, it's called Do Not Pass-Coe, Do Not Collect £200, and everyone can play it and then the winner gets to be me for a year .
.
and also, obviously, £200, which is a lot of money.
- Wow.
- That's nearly 200 euros.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH And so it's just a simple, educational game, so, basically, someone will pick a colour and then that has a corresponding category, like pink, that is sport, because, obviously, David Beckham's got pink legs, and then you get asked a question in that category, like, oh, "What colour are David Beckham's legs?" and it's really fun and we'll just play it in between the games.
It sounds fantastic, I'm loving it.
And with Sara, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie has written 13 books about the origins of words.
They're the perfect books to keep in your downstairs loo, in case you run out of toilet paper.
Susie, you recently tweeted about the word "coverslut.
" - Mm.
- It doesn't seem a very Susie Dent word.
- What's a coverslut? - Oh, it's completely me.
A coverslut is something you wear on top of a garment that's got a hole in it or a stain or, you knowwhich happens to me a lot, so I wear lots of coversluts.
Old term.
Very useful.
So "slut" in the olden days used to mean slovenly and messy, didn't it? - Exactly.
- Cos my grandma's favourite saying was, "Come round, we're having slutty Saturday.
" - LAUGHTER - Yes! But what she meant was, we're staying in our pyjamas all day.
- I like that.
- That's what she meant.
"Come on over, we're having slutty Saturday!" I'd like to think that's what she meant, but I'm not entirely sure.
OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE After seeing Rachel on Strictly, it's clear she combines the brains of Professor Stephen Hawking with the dancing ability of Professor Stephen Hawking.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rachel, Claudia's our guest team captain this evening.
- Any advice for her? - I think she'll be fine, actually.
I was thinking of my favourite captains and she's got a lot in common with Wayne Rooney, Jack Sparrow and Captain Hook.
- Yes! - They've all got strong hair, two out of three have got great eyeliner, - so I think she'll be fine.
- You said Wayne Rooney's got strong hair.
Yeah! He's paid for it, hasn't he? Have you got a problem with paying for stuff on your body? OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown seesaw! APPLAUSE They're grown men and they do that for a living.
APPLAUSE Johnny, if you and Claudia win, there's a good chance Claudia's going to end up on the ceiling somewhere.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Claudia and Johnny, you get the first pick of the letters.
- This is always the bit where it stops being fun.
- No, I know.
We'll make it fun, because we'll do it in a singsong voice.
- Oh, OK.
- SINGSONGY: - Consonant! - I like it.
L - Let's have another one of those.
- We've got to focus.
- Singsong didn't last very long, did it? Vowel, please.
- E - Oh.
- I've got a word.
Right, we'll continue.
Another vowel, please.
- U - I don't like Us.
- Me? - No.
Scouser Winkleman there! - SCOUSE ACCENT: - "I don't like yous.
" - No, just the letter! Let's have lots of consonants.
- Lots of consonants.
V - What?! - - And another one.
- R - - Have you written it down? - No, not yet.
- Come on, pup.
- No, well, I mean, she's in my eyeline, so every time she sort of And use this.
- Like limbo.
- And then, er, shall we have another vowel? - O Please don't do that, it's hard enough to focus as it is! And then one more, er, consonant.
- And the last one X OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Come on! LOUD BURP LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We're taking that seesaw home, Johnny.
- JIMMY'S VOICE: Claudia, how many? - That's brilliant.
- Are you? Whatis that? - How many, Claudia? Um, six.
- OK.
Reg, how many? - Five.
- Jon? - Also six.
And Johnny, how many? Er, five.
LOUD BURP Johnny, let's have your five.
TROVE TROVE TROVE, T-R-O-V-E.
OK.
Reg, what was your five? - Er, I got DUVET.
- DUVET.
Jon, your six? ROUTED or ROU-TED if you're in America.
Claudia, your six? I've got two sixes, so let's call it 12.
I've got ROUTED and I've got TOURED.
ROUTED and TOURED.
OK.
Sara, Susie, could they have done any better? No, we've just got sixes.
REVOLT, DETOUR, DEVOUR, VOLUTE.
OK.
So, at the end of that, both teams have six points.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Reg, you pick the numbers.
We would like two big numbers and four small numbers.
- Thank you, Jon and Reg.
5, 4, 10, another 5, 50 and 100.
And the target Oh, that's a hard one.
OK, and your time startsnow.
- Jon, did you get it? - No, I did not.
- Reg, did you get it? - No, I did not.
Claudia, did you get it? Let Well No.
- I got a bit.
- You got a bit? Well, I got 5 x 100 = 500 and 5 + 4 = 9, so practically.
Just the seven you missed out on.
Johnny? Absolutely nowhere near.
I just wrote down the numbers that were up and by the time I'd finished writing the numbers down, that familiar "doo-doo, doo-doo, doodle-doo-DOO!" went off and I just don't think my brain was given a fair chance.
- So, no points to anyone.
- Aww.
Could it be done, Rachel? Yeah, it could be done.
100 + 5 = 105 105 x 5 = 525 525 + 50 + 4 APPLAUSE - Well done.
- Very good.
Johnny, you OK? I just look at her and I feel like I'm going to bleed out of my eyes.
I just can't I find it quite upset Every time I come on, I'm a bit more determined to make a better show than I did last time, and every time I sit here, the pressure gets to me and the "doo-doo, doo-doo, doodle-doo-doo" in my head, it's Again, it's just two kittens fighting over a pork chop.
OK, so Jon and Reg have 6 points, Claudia and Johnny have 6 points.
APPLAUSE Time now to go over to Dictionary Corner.
- Sara, what have you got for us? - Um QUIZ SHOW JINGLE Now it's time to play Do Not Pass-Coe, Do Not Collect £200.
Jon, you're up first.
Please choose a colour.
I'll have yellow, please.
That category is Sara Pascoe knowledge.
Question one - what is Sara Pascoe's favourite animal? Oh, it's an interesting one.
I think you like most animals.
I'm going to take a clue from your attire, what you're wearing, and I'm going to say tie-ger.
APPLAUSE It was right there.
BUZZER Wrong.
The answer is mouse.
My favourite animals are mice, because I quite look like a mouse, and I've always thought I have mouse in my ancestry somewhere, like a grandad or a great-grandad, and the downside of that is I do have quite a hairy face, but the upside is tiny poos! Soit balances out.
Next question, Jon.
What is Sara Pascoe's most famous invention? Oh.
Let's see.
Feminism? BUZZER Wrong.
I didn't invent feminism, unfortunately, or I'd be super-rich.
There's a lot of money - LAUGHTER - My most famous invention was Actually, this is why you don't know, cos you're not a lady.
It's for women.
Ladies, when you're getting dressed, if you put your knickers on inside out and wear them, then there's a handy little minge pocket you can use, just big enough for a Werther's Original or a pound, I invented that.
- So, thank you.
- APPLAUSE The next question, Jon - what is Sara's rating on Uber? Oh, that's interesting.
That's very interesting.
What is it out of? The most stars you can have is 5 and then once you have less than 3, they don't pick you up any more.
Oh, the fact that you even know that fact means it must be below 3, so I think it's about 2.
8.
BUZZER Incorrect! But I've only ever once got one Uber and my star rating is 4, and I don't know what I did to lose that star.
I sat there nicely, I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant, which is more than I can say for you, Nikolai.
OK, so the final question in this round, Jon.
What is Sara's favoured method of seduction? (Is itis it Werther's Original?) - Well, I know your boyfriend - Yes, you do know him.
.
.
and I know what he likes.
Oh, do you? Can you write it down for me? OK, this is great.
I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years and I don't think that we have enough sex any more and he says that me talking about it on TV is not helping, so any help you can give me, greatly appreciated.
He and I probably have less sex than you two do, I think.
Only on my birth Well, no, not even ever.
- Your favourite form of seduction - Yeah.
- .
.
is talking to someone.
- Wrong! - BUZZER My favourite method of seduction is subtle.
Ladies, you can try this.
What I do when I'm in the mood for lovemaking, I shave my entire body.
Head to toe.
Absolutely everything.
And then, in order to let my boyfriend know in a subtle way, I don't rinse the bath.
That's the end of that round.
You have scored absolutely no points.
Thank you for playing.
Sara Pascoe, everyone.
Do Not Pass-Coe.
And here is your teaser - the words are ARSE SOLO, the clue is, full of gas.
That's ARSE SOLO, full of gas.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ARE SOLO, the clue was full of gas.
It was of course aerosols.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Jon and Johnny.
So, Johnny, your turn to choose the letters.
Erm, I'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Johnny.
R.
I will have a vowel.
I I will have a consonant, please.
P You are going down! LAUGHTER That is a sign from the gods! LAUGHTER - JON: - I think it's about your trousers.
Another consonant, please.
Another consonant, please.
P A vowel.
- A.
- A vowel, please.
U And two consonants, thank you.
F, and another R.
Right, and your time starts now.
THUNDERCLAP WIND GUSTING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, how many have you got? Well, apart from the shit in my pants, Jimmy LAUGHTER .
.
I have five.
Johnny, how did you do? - I have six.
- Oh! I think.
This is exciting, OK.
Jon, can we hear your five? FRUIT.
- FRUIT? - Yes.
Johnny, have you heard of FRUIT? Erm Yeah, it's the haunted bit of the supermarket.
You have to run past it really quick.
LAUGHTER Or else you get possessed with regular bowels.
LAUGHTER What have you got? It really felt like a word.
PAUFIT.
P-A-U-F-I-T.
- SUSIE: - As in a fruit PARFAIT? That you eat? That's P-A-R-F-A-I-T.
- Are you going to crush his dreams, Susie, or? - No! Yeah! No, it's in.
APPLAUSE Well, I hope you enjoyed that moment, cos it's over.
I'm afraid that wasn't there.
Five points to Jon.
- CLAUDIA: - They are very pernickety! - JON: - I'll get you that, mate, don't you worry about that! Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better? TAPIR is in there for another five.
- CLAUDIA: - Oh! The TAPIR is lovely! Sorry, where is that tapir? The tapir is next to the okapi, which is one of our other favourite animals when we go to the zoo.
How often do you go to the zoo? On Sundays.
- JON: - When she's run out of chicks.
LAUGHTER OK.
So, at the end of that, Claudia and Johnny have six points, Jon and Reg have 11.
APPLAUSE Right now, time for Claudia and Reg to go head-to-head.
Claudia, your turn to pick the numbers.
I feel like we're Like, should we decide together? Is that not how it's done? - REG: - No, I think I'm your opponent.
One large, please, and the rest small.
One big one, five little ones.
And the little ones.
- Not that one! - No? That's fine.
I don't like it.
- What's that? - 6.
Better! - 10.
- No.
9, 7.
5, and 50.
And the target - 965.
OK, well, your time starts now.
What?! I can't do it! - REG: - Yeah, I'm done, yeah.
Yeah, I cracked it.
- Reg, did you get it? - No.
I thought you got it.
You seemed very calm halfway through.
- I thought - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, erm, it's that calm that you feel when you see like a meteor heading straight towards you LAUGHTER .
.
and you know you're going to die.
So, it don't matter, so you might want to just sit back in the chair and just go, "I'm going to get all roasted.
" Right, Claudia, did you get it? Exactly the same answer as him.
- REG: - And I was with it, man.
I was writing the numbers down and I was hyped up for it, and I was like, "Fuck it, I'm going to nail this bitch!" But, when it hit 965, I was I was out of gas.
LAUGHTER Could it be done, Rachel? And try not to be too smug about the fact that it definitely could be.
It was possible.
You have to do 10-6.
Oh! And then you've got the 4.
Well, you had the 4 to begin with.
Claudia got rid of it, bloody idiot! 4 x 50 = 200, then 200 - 7 = 193, and then 193 x 5.
- 193 x 5! Of course.
CLAUDIA: - Wow! You are such a genius.
Well, no-one got any points, so, Claudia and Johnny have six points, Jon and Reg have 11.
OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner for more Do Not Pass-Coe.
- Claudia.
- Yes.
- It's now your turn to play Do Not Pass-Coe.
Do not collect ?200.
Please pick a colour.
Green, please.
Green is the Maths Round.
How old is Sara Pascoe? - Now, you, I think - Ooh.
- I want to say - Oh-ho! - .
.
you're 26.
- What?! - BUZZER - She's a baby! You're a baby! You're too kind! Can I have a look at you? Yeah! But if it goes up by a lot more, I'll be sad.
Yeah.
70! No.
You're tiny.
You're You're not You're You're 28.
You're 27.
I think you're 25.
You're still silly and too kind.
I am 35 years of age.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
- That's a lie.
Phone your parents.
LAUGHTER The answer is I am 35 and, another fact for you, that is the oldest I've ever been.
So, erm, next up is Johnny.
If you'd like to pick a colour? Can I have red, please? Red.
Ooh, red.
That's Food And Drink.
Food And Drink.
So, Johnny, how do you make olives? You plant an olive, erm, tree.
- BUZZER - I'm sorry, that's wrong.
I'm afraid the answer is you add evil to grapes.
LAUGHTER So, erm We have finished the game, and I am so pleased to announce that the winner of Being Sarah Pascoe for another year is It's me! LAUGHTER I get to be me for another year! It's going to be so great! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did you just give yourself ?200? Yes, there are other ways to cheat the system, Jimmy! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I like that.
The scores at the moment, Claudia and Johnny have 6, Jon and Reg have 11.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser - the word is GENITALS, the clue is, don't touch the Crown Jewels.
That's GENITALS - don't touch the Crown Jewels.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the word is GENITALS.
The clue is - don't touch the crown jewels.
It was, of course, STEALING.
Before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he's started turning up again, I'm really sorry, it's Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE - How you doing, Joe? - Are you taking the piss? I'm upside down, you prick.
Fabio, could you turn Joe the right way up, please? Why did you bring me on upside down, you anus? It's cos I wouldn't let you go swimming, innit? LAUGHTER I didn't let him go swimming, Jimmy, cos last time he pissed in the pool.
I think a lot of people pee in the pool.
He was on the top diving board.
So why are you here, Joe? Er, well, we've been watching the show and we've worked out why it's shit.
The rounds are bollocks.
So we've come up with a new round.
OK, what's the new round? Well, you know how I have no feeling in my penis and testicles? So you've got no feeling in your penis and testicles? No, never have, never will.
I'm blessed.
So It's a simple idea.
John and Claudia will both be given a high-powered paintball gun.
And whoever hits me in the penis and testicles the most times wins.
It's that simple.
Why have we not done it before? Have you run this past health and safety? Have you run it past health and safety, Fabio? Erm Sorry, he doesn't know how to nod.
That's how he says yes.
So, Jon and Claudia, if you want to make your way to the front, let's play Shooting Paintballs At My Penis And Testicles! - ROBOT VOICE: - 'Shooting Paintballs At My Penis And Testicles.
'Shooting Paintballs At My Penis And Testicles.
- 'Shooting Paintballs' - No, no, no, no! Why are you starting now? - Oh, right.
- 'Shooting Paintballs at My Penis and Testicles' - Stop playing it! - VOICE STOPS Right, this should be a simple game! - JOHNNY: - I genuinely have had breakdowns that have been less messy than this.
Right, stop shooting Joe Wilkinson and the penis and testicles until you're told it is OK to shoot Joe Wilkinson in the penis and testicles.
- CLAUDIA: - Is it just me? - I'll tell you when to go.
- Do you promise? - Yes.
Now, don't try this at home, Joe is a highly trained professional, and also expendable.
- OK? - If you're ready, start spinning Joe.
OK, now shoot paintballs at his penis and testicles.
Go now.
I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've just remembered, I do have feeling in my penis and testicles.
I got it muddled up with being deaf in one ear.
Joe, tell us who scored the most.
Well I can tell by the swelling .
.
that Jon hit my penis four times, hit my testicles five times.
And Claudia hit my penis twice but my testicles seven times.
So they both hit me nine times, that's nine points each! Joe Wilkinson, everyone! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, on with the game.
Claudia and Johnny, you choose the letters.
Fabio, chuck us a can, would you, mate? Sorry.
I deserve a can.
- Cheers, pal.
- All right, let's take two consonants, shall we? That is superb.
D, L.
OK.
And two vowels.
A, E.
Got a word! And then two consonants.
Consonants? C, R.
- How many's left? - Another two vowels.
And another consonant.
A, O and N.
OK, and your time starts now.
It's not working.
Joe, can you do it? Er Well, I usually always carry an arrow with me, so I can do the clock, yeah, if you like.
Give us me arrow.
And your time starts now.
# Boo, boo-boo, boo-boo-boo # Boo, boo-boo, boo # Boo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Boo, doo-doo That's how it goes, innit? - Is that right? - Yeah.
Go on.
# Boo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo # Doo, doo-doo, doo # Boo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo # Ba-doo # Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo, doo-doo, doo Get near the end.
# Ba-doot, ba-doot Ba-da, ba-da, badadada, DONG.
APPLAUSE OK.
- Reg, how many? - Don't we have to reset the clock, you prick? We normally do it after we ask how many.
I'm going to black out.
It's your choice.
- How many, Reg? - Six.
Six? Jon? - Eight.
- Oh! Get lost! - Claudia? - Six.
- Johnny? - Six.
- Six.
JOE MAKES WHIRRING NOISES DONG.
OK, Johnny, what was yours? - Mine was CANDLE.
- CANDLE.
- OK, Claudia, your six? - Was CRANED.
- Reg, your six? - CREOLE.
- Nice.
SUSIE: - You need two Es for Creole and it's got a capital C.
Apart from that, bang on.
I would describe that as institutional racism.
- Sorry! - Sorry people don't smile a whole lot.
LAUGHTER Oh, Susie Dent, you've been told! - Jon, what's your eight? - Well, I generally say what's in front of me, so first I got CAN, and then I got RELOAD for the guns, but the eight was COLANDER.
- Yeah.
- Oh! COLANDER! Eight points to Jon.
Give us a go of your seesaw, Jon.
Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better than the eight? They could have done equally good with CALENDAR, but that's just the same letters in a different order.
OK, then.
So the scores at the moment, Claudia and Johnny have 15, Jon and Reg have 28.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TIT CHESS, and the clue is - it'll hurt.
That's TIT CHESS - it'll hurt.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TIT CHESS.
The clue is - it'll hurt.
It was, of course, STITCHES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Reg, your turn to choose the letters.
It's worth mentioning, Reg, you've still yet to score a point.
Yet, I am winning.
LAUGHTER Sorry, Jimmy, could I just? Susie, can you pop my beer on there? - Yeah.
- Just pop it on there.
- It'll be fine.
Wa-hey! - Got it? Carry on.
APPLAUSE I'm slightly worried if we need to use you as the clock again and you've got a full lager.
I will be sick.
OK.
Jon, Reg, choose the letters.
Reg, you pick and then you slap down a nine and we see-saw our way into the goddamn sunset, you and I.
I'd like a consonant.
B And then I would like two vowels.
I O I would like another vowel.
A And then I'd like two consonants.
D I'll have one more vowel and two more consonants.
E and S and D OK, and your time starts now.
Hello.
Jon, how many? I declare nothing.
I leave this round fully in the hands of my partner, Reginald.
- Reg, how many? - Six.
- Suck on that.
- Claudia.
- Six.
- They sucked it.
- Johnny? - Five.
Well, Johnny, what was your five? - FATED.
- FATED.
LAUGHTER It's an S not an F.
FATED - I think you misheard an S for an F.
- SATED.
- Yes, that's what I meant, SATED.
- SATED.
- Claudia, your six.
- BOATED.
OK, BOATED.
Reg.
For the first time ever, can you score six points on Countdown? Hey, man, for the first time ever, could you, like, not put me under pressure? BITOAD LAUGHTER Superb! Superb! Aww, you could have had the BITOAD.
As in a toad that's, like, sexually Goes both ways, that's right.
Is BITOAD in there, by any chance? Sorry, BITOAD's not in there.
Maybe y'all have a racist dictionary over there.
LAUGHTER So, no points to Reg, he's still got his perfect record, but six points to Claudia.
APPLAUSE Sara, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, there's a seven there - BOATIES.
Yeah, I got BOASTED.
- Did I? - Very good.
- Yeah.
OK, so, Claudia and Johnny have 21, Jon and Reg have 28.
APPLAUSE OK, time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER Oh.
I thought it was DISROBING but it isn't.
OK, let's start the clock again.
It's not DISROBING.
Well, no-one got it, but let's take a look.
BOARDINGS So, the final scores are Claudia and Johnny have 21 points, but tonight's winners, with 28, are Jon and Reg! APPLAUSE Yeah, Reg, you don't have to score a point, you did it! Reg only went and bloody did it.
Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown see-saw.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Claudia Winkleman, Johnny Vegas, Reginald D Hunter, Sara Pascoe, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the term "pot luck" originally meant a cooking pot containing a range of unknown ingredients? But it's now been rebranded as Pot Noodle.
600,000 barrels of oil accidentally spill into the sea every year, but it's OK, because we'll just mop it all up using sea birds.
It's what they're for.
And the Arabic word for nipple is "buzz", which means I can start foreplay with the words "fingers on buzzers.
" Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon oozes coolness and charm.
Well, it must have leaked out somewhere, because there's certainly none left.
And Jon's team mate, Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE Reg is not the only D Hunter on the show.
The other is Susie Dent - she's always hunting the D.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain, Claudia Winkleman.
APPLAUSE I'm not saying Claudia's too orange, but she got her first break in show business when the man from Del Monte said yes.
And joining Claudia tonight, it's Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE Johnny treats his body like a temple.
Unfortunately, it's one of those temples that's been ruined by Isis.
Johnny was once described as "the thinking woman's crumpet", because when women look at him, they think, "I bet he eats a lot of crumpets.
" Claudia, you present Strictly.
Who do you think here would be the best dancer? - Johnny.
- Johnny? - Oh, that's not even Was that a proper question? Johnny would be majestic.
She's only saying it cos he's on her team! That's not true, I think he'd be masterful, cos he'd be like, "I'm not really"and then boom! Argentine tango, leg spins I actually can't remember how the dances go.
- They don't really I've seen Strictly a few times, they don't really focus on that part of the dance that goes boom! Du-dum! Can you show us some moves, Johnny? - Have you got any moves? - What, just sat here, like Dun, du-dun? That's enough.
Ten! - Ten.
- I have a healthy disrespect for ladies' toes.
That's what you've got to do when you're leading someone in the dance.
- You see? - They may well end up crippled, but just drag 'em with you for the ride.
Johnny, it says here that you used to make people laugh at school by playing a Hawaiian tune on your nose.
- Yeah.
- Is that a real thing? - Can we hear that? - Do you want? Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Vegas on the nose.
HE HUMS "ALOHA OE" NASALLY CONTINUES HUMMING PITCH INCREASES OK, do you think you'll make a good team this evening, Johnny? I think we'll make a great team.
We're like Mulder and Scully.
- The words are out there.
- They are.
We just have to find them.
Yeah, I think we stand a There's always him, standing in the way.
Reginald, no offence, I feel a bit more confident .
.
that Jon's been teamed up with you, having heard that your past appearances on here have been as successful as mine.
Yeah, well, last time you were on the show, you got no points.
I mean, I wanted to point out to both of you, I was just sitting here next to Jon, I wasn't even messing with y'all, so I don't know why you're coming at me like that.
No, it is true that the last time I was here that I did not score a point, but I think my team, we lost by a point, didn't we? So that means that my partner got everything and if I had just contributed one thing, we would have tied.
So that's the reason why I've decided to come back.
I did not come back to win.
I came back to score one point.
Realistic aims, I like that.
Good idea.
Are there any kind of American words or phrases - that you kind of miss, living over here? - Erm "You win.
" "Rice is complimentary with your meal.
" - I do love the fact, when you get breadsticks in America, they're proper French loaves.
They're not the little - I mean, that's the reason why a lot of people are big in America, cos people go out and you might be able to pull somebody and you might not, but a Big Mac is always 99 cents, baby.
Yeah, good point, well made.
Jon, obviously Countdown is the most exciting thing in your life.
How do you fill the days waiting for the next Countdown? I have a lot of hobbies.
I spend a lot of time giving online feedback.
You don't realise when you buy something that you're entering into a six-month relationship.
I didn't realise quite how insecure some companies are, but I would say I've spent more time talking to Safestyle than my wife.
I get so worried about what's happening to my back doors and windows that I'm worried that they know that, at some point, they might fuck up.
And then you get little questionnaires about what your driver smelt like when he delivered your item, what the weather was like and whether you're going on holiday, and some people choose to ignore those e-mails and I choose to give full and frank feedback, and I think I'm single-handedly responsible for the great level of service that we receive in this country.
So you're responsible? - You're welcome.
- Do you think you're going to win this evening? Er Who knows? Reg might get a point Johnny might get a point Claudia might get a point so I only need a 4 to win.
It's an excellent attitude to have.
Have you got a mascot this evening? - What have you got? - Well, it's more of a new toy, Jimmy.
I don't know if you've heard of this new technology, the pedometer.
It's for helping you sort of keep fit in your life.
This is the most cutting-edge.
It measures everything I do.
I burn 200 calories a day tutting at bad grammar.
It's good to know those things.
And the goal is that - it lights up, you see, with how many steps - and the goal is to get to 10,000 steps a day, but what they don't tell you is that it doesn't stop at 10,000, so it's a bit like when you're refilling your car.
If I go over 10,000, I have to do another 10,000, cos it'sit's not even.
So if it's 10,001, I'm knackered.
So I have to measure how many steps it is from my TV to my bed, 27 .
.
and if I get home from work and I've had my tea and I'm not on 9973 steps, I'm knackered.
I either have to take very big ones and sometimes I fall down the stairs.
That counts as well.
Bouncy-bouncy.
And then, if I get to 10,002, I've got to round it up to another 20,000, so I haven't seen my wife for weeks.
OK.
Reg, have you got a mascot? This is the mascot I brought the last time.
His name is Pembleton, and Pembleton was with me when I was robbed of any points on this show and, um, and, er he felt bad about it, he felt like it was his fault, he wanted to come back and make amends and I'm with a guy that has a high IQ, but, you know, low self-esteem, and Why would you say that about me?! He's also the same size as Pembleton.
And I believe that Jon Richardson and I have a more than equal chance of emerging victorious.
And if I get two points early, I'm taking off the mic and I'm going home.
Claudia, have you got a mascot? Well, mascots, plural, because I thought it would be quite nice for us to feel cosy and soft at the beginning, and who does that? A baby animal.
So, please, could my dad bring them in? - Here he is.
- So, what have you got? - We've got some - I'll just Thank you so much.
- TWEETING I thought some cartoon character had been hit on the head.
Look what we've got.
- Aww! - That one's yours .
.
and this one's mine.
- Aww, come here.
- Oh, my God.
- This is - I won't hurt you.
- Would you like one? They are pretty adorable.
Are they spares in case you crush the first two? - Yeah.
These are baby chicks and you know their favourite thing? When they're this little, they just like being Oh, no! No, no, no! - You can't fly yet, young man.
- No! - I was the same at his age.
And they just like been handled, and I thought that would just make us feel cosy.
- Aww, look at this! - Look! I'm going to change my ways! Oh, you just wait till the Colonel gets to them, Johnny, - they'll be delicious.
- I know, but they're lovely this size, cos you can eat 'em whole and just cough up the bones.
# Where is love? Does it come from skies above? Kiss me, but don't get addicted to nicotine.
OK, we're going to get those deep-fried and then we'll have them as a little snack - in the ad break.
- Do you know what? This is often what's going on in my mind when you're talking to me.
Is it? Yeah, when people chat Oh, is he OK? He's pooing on his arm.
- It's all right, mate, there's - HE SNIFFS .
.
there's some down the back as well.
Bye, babies! - Bye-bye! - Excellent mascoting.
Well played.
APPLAUSE Johnny, did you bring a mascot? It's a pictorial diary that I kept when I was at college and it was based on hieroglyphics.
My writing isn't so good, so I could put things down in pictorial form, but it was coded and nobody would know what I was talking about.
- Yeah.
- I can't talk you through all of 'em, cos some of 'em I don't quite remember.
I was drinking rather heavily at the time.
- Really, Johnny? - I think this one represents impotence and the social divide between, erm obviously some starfish I was trying to have sex with.
All of these are beer or when I spilt things or when I said things I regretted.
Listen, you could study this all day, it's a psychoanalysist's wet dream.
I don't know why I brought it in as a mascot.
Yeah, how's that going to help you this evening? Because I wanted to bring in Action Man and you wouldn't let me, cos you couldn't clear it! That's the real truth.
I had a Talking Commander with the bike and the sidecar and they said, "Oh, no, we'll never get clearance for that," like he's still selling, madly, in the shops(!) He's Action Man, not an iPad! So I didn't.
I had to come in and make myself emotionally naked by showing these images of just how badly college went for me! Thanks a lot, Jimmy(!) APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sara Pascoe! APPLAUSE When Sara was younger, she voluntarily declared herself bankrupt.
There's no shame in it, I've been declared bankrupt myself.
Morally bankrupt, by the Daily Mail.
How are you feeling about being in Dictionary Corner? I'm thrilled to be here.
Obviously, I've been here before, but only as a contestant, but today I'm here in a special capacity as a businessman to launch my new trivia board game.
So, it's called Do Not Pass-Coe, Do Not Collect £200, and everyone can play it and then the winner gets to be me for a year .
.
and also, obviously, £200, which is a lot of money.
- Wow.
- That's nearly 200 euros.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH And so it's just a simple, educational game, so, basically, someone will pick a colour and then that has a corresponding category, like pink, that is sport, because, obviously, David Beckham's got pink legs, and then you get asked a question in that category, like, oh, "What colour are David Beckham's legs?" and it's really fun and we'll just play it in between the games.
It sounds fantastic, I'm loving it.
And with Sara, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie has written 13 books about the origins of words.
They're the perfect books to keep in your downstairs loo, in case you run out of toilet paper.
Susie, you recently tweeted about the word "coverslut.
" - Mm.
- It doesn't seem a very Susie Dent word.
- What's a coverslut? - Oh, it's completely me.
A coverslut is something you wear on top of a garment that's got a hole in it or a stain or, you knowwhich happens to me a lot, so I wear lots of coversluts.
Old term.
Very useful.
So "slut" in the olden days used to mean slovenly and messy, didn't it? - Exactly.
- Cos my grandma's favourite saying was, "Come round, we're having slutty Saturday.
" - LAUGHTER - Yes! But what she meant was, we're staying in our pyjamas all day.
- I like that.
- That's what she meant.
"Come on over, we're having slutty Saturday!" I'd like to think that's what she meant, but I'm not entirely sure.
OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE After seeing Rachel on Strictly, it's clear she combines the brains of Professor Stephen Hawking with the dancing ability of Professor Stephen Hawking.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rachel, Claudia's our guest team captain this evening.
- Any advice for her? - I think she'll be fine, actually.
I was thinking of my favourite captains and she's got a lot in common with Wayne Rooney, Jack Sparrow and Captain Hook.
- Yes! - They've all got strong hair, two out of three have got great eyeliner, - so I think she'll be fine.
- You said Wayne Rooney's got strong hair.
Yeah! He's paid for it, hasn't he? Have you got a problem with paying for stuff on your body? OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown seesaw! APPLAUSE They're grown men and they do that for a living.
APPLAUSE Johnny, if you and Claudia win, there's a good chance Claudia's going to end up on the ceiling somewhere.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Claudia and Johnny, you get the first pick of the letters.
- This is always the bit where it stops being fun.
- No, I know.
We'll make it fun, because we'll do it in a singsong voice.
- Oh, OK.
- SINGSONGY: - Consonant! - I like it.
L - Let's have another one of those.
- We've got to focus.
- Singsong didn't last very long, did it? Vowel, please.
- E - Oh.
- I've got a word.
Right, we'll continue.
Another vowel, please.
- U - I don't like Us.
- Me? - No.
Scouser Winkleman there! - SCOUSE ACCENT: - "I don't like yous.
" - No, just the letter! Let's have lots of consonants.
- Lots of consonants.
V - What?! - - And another one.
- R - - Have you written it down? - No, not yet.
- Come on, pup.
- No, well, I mean, she's in my eyeline, so every time she sort of And use this.
- Like limbo.
- And then, er, shall we have another vowel? - O Please don't do that, it's hard enough to focus as it is! And then one more, er, consonant.
- And the last one X OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Come on! LOUD BURP LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We're taking that seesaw home, Johnny.
- JIMMY'S VOICE: Claudia, how many? - That's brilliant.
- Are you? Whatis that? - How many, Claudia? Um, six.
- OK.
Reg, how many? - Five.
- Jon? - Also six.
And Johnny, how many? Er, five.
LOUD BURP Johnny, let's have your five.
TROVE TROVE TROVE, T-R-O-V-E.
OK.
Reg, what was your five? - Er, I got DUVET.
- DUVET.
Jon, your six? ROUTED or ROU-TED if you're in America.
Claudia, your six? I've got two sixes, so let's call it 12.
I've got ROUTED and I've got TOURED.
ROUTED and TOURED.
OK.
Sara, Susie, could they have done any better? No, we've just got sixes.
REVOLT, DETOUR, DEVOUR, VOLUTE.
OK.
So, at the end of that, both teams have six points.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Reg, you pick the numbers.
We would like two big numbers and four small numbers.
- Thank you, Jon and Reg.
5, 4, 10, another 5, 50 and 100.
And the target Oh, that's a hard one.
OK, and your time startsnow.
- Jon, did you get it? - No, I did not.
- Reg, did you get it? - No, I did not.
Claudia, did you get it? Let Well No.
- I got a bit.
- You got a bit? Well, I got 5 x 100 = 500 and 5 + 4 = 9, so practically.
Just the seven you missed out on.
Johnny? Absolutely nowhere near.
I just wrote down the numbers that were up and by the time I'd finished writing the numbers down, that familiar "doo-doo, doo-doo, doodle-doo-DOO!" went off and I just don't think my brain was given a fair chance.
- So, no points to anyone.
- Aww.
Could it be done, Rachel? Yeah, it could be done.
100 + 5 = 105 105 x 5 = 525 525 + 50 + 4 APPLAUSE - Well done.
- Very good.
Johnny, you OK? I just look at her and I feel like I'm going to bleed out of my eyes.
I just can't I find it quite upset Every time I come on, I'm a bit more determined to make a better show than I did last time, and every time I sit here, the pressure gets to me and the "doo-doo, doo-doo, doodle-doo-doo" in my head, it's Again, it's just two kittens fighting over a pork chop.
OK, so Jon and Reg have 6 points, Claudia and Johnny have 6 points.
APPLAUSE Time now to go over to Dictionary Corner.
- Sara, what have you got for us? - Um QUIZ SHOW JINGLE Now it's time to play Do Not Pass-Coe, Do Not Collect £200.
Jon, you're up first.
Please choose a colour.
I'll have yellow, please.
That category is Sara Pascoe knowledge.
Question one - what is Sara Pascoe's favourite animal? Oh, it's an interesting one.
I think you like most animals.
I'm going to take a clue from your attire, what you're wearing, and I'm going to say tie-ger.
APPLAUSE It was right there.
BUZZER Wrong.
The answer is mouse.
My favourite animals are mice, because I quite look like a mouse, and I've always thought I have mouse in my ancestry somewhere, like a grandad or a great-grandad, and the downside of that is I do have quite a hairy face, but the upside is tiny poos! Soit balances out.
Next question, Jon.
What is Sara Pascoe's most famous invention? Oh.
Let's see.
Feminism? BUZZER Wrong.
I didn't invent feminism, unfortunately, or I'd be super-rich.
There's a lot of money - LAUGHTER - My most famous invention was Actually, this is why you don't know, cos you're not a lady.
It's for women.
Ladies, when you're getting dressed, if you put your knickers on inside out and wear them, then there's a handy little minge pocket you can use, just big enough for a Werther's Original or a pound, I invented that.
- So, thank you.
- APPLAUSE The next question, Jon - what is Sara's rating on Uber? Oh, that's interesting.
That's very interesting.
What is it out of? The most stars you can have is 5 and then once you have less than 3, they don't pick you up any more.
Oh, the fact that you even know that fact means it must be below 3, so I think it's about 2.
8.
BUZZER Incorrect! But I've only ever once got one Uber and my star rating is 4, and I don't know what I did to lose that star.
I sat there nicely, I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant, which is more than I can say for you, Nikolai.
OK, so the final question in this round, Jon.
What is Sara's favoured method of seduction? (Is itis it Werther's Original?) - Well, I know your boyfriend - Yes, you do know him.
.
.
and I know what he likes.
Oh, do you? Can you write it down for me? OK, this is great.
I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years and I don't think that we have enough sex any more and he says that me talking about it on TV is not helping, so any help you can give me, greatly appreciated.
He and I probably have less sex than you two do, I think.
Only on my birth Well, no, not even ever.
- Your favourite form of seduction - Yeah.
- .
.
is talking to someone.
- Wrong! - BUZZER My favourite method of seduction is subtle.
Ladies, you can try this.
What I do when I'm in the mood for lovemaking, I shave my entire body.
Head to toe.
Absolutely everything.
And then, in order to let my boyfriend know in a subtle way, I don't rinse the bath.
That's the end of that round.
You have scored absolutely no points.
Thank you for playing.
Sara Pascoe, everyone.
Do Not Pass-Coe.
And here is your teaser - the words are ARSE SOLO, the clue is, full of gas.
That's ARSE SOLO, full of gas.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ARE SOLO, the clue was full of gas.
It was of course aerosols.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Jon and Johnny.
So, Johnny, your turn to choose the letters.
Erm, I'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Johnny.
R.
I will have a vowel.
I I will have a consonant, please.
P You are going down! LAUGHTER That is a sign from the gods! LAUGHTER - JON: - I think it's about your trousers.
Another consonant, please.
Another consonant, please.
P A vowel.
- A.
- A vowel, please.
U And two consonants, thank you.
F, and another R.
Right, and your time starts now.
THUNDERCLAP WIND GUSTING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, how many have you got? Well, apart from the shit in my pants, Jimmy LAUGHTER .
.
I have five.
Johnny, how did you do? - I have six.
- Oh! I think.
This is exciting, OK.
Jon, can we hear your five? FRUIT.
- FRUIT? - Yes.
Johnny, have you heard of FRUIT? Erm Yeah, it's the haunted bit of the supermarket.
You have to run past it really quick.
LAUGHTER Or else you get possessed with regular bowels.
LAUGHTER What have you got? It really felt like a word.
PAUFIT.
P-A-U-F-I-T.
- SUSIE: - As in a fruit PARFAIT? That you eat? That's P-A-R-F-A-I-T.
- Are you going to crush his dreams, Susie, or? - No! Yeah! No, it's in.
APPLAUSE Well, I hope you enjoyed that moment, cos it's over.
I'm afraid that wasn't there.
Five points to Jon.
- CLAUDIA: - They are very pernickety! - JON: - I'll get you that, mate, don't you worry about that! Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better? TAPIR is in there for another five.
- CLAUDIA: - Oh! The TAPIR is lovely! Sorry, where is that tapir? The tapir is next to the okapi, which is one of our other favourite animals when we go to the zoo.
How often do you go to the zoo? On Sundays.
- JON: - When she's run out of chicks.
LAUGHTER OK.
So, at the end of that, Claudia and Johnny have six points, Jon and Reg have 11.
APPLAUSE Right now, time for Claudia and Reg to go head-to-head.
Claudia, your turn to pick the numbers.
I feel like we're Like, should we decide together? Is that not how it's done? - REG: - No, I think I'm your opponent.
One large, please, and the rest small.
One big one, five little ones.
And the little ones.
- Not that one! - No? That's fine.
I don't like it.
- What's that? - 6.
Better! - 10.
- No.
9, 7.
5, and 50.
And the target - 965.
OK, well, your time starts now.
What?! I can't do it! - REG: - Yeah, I'm done, yeah.
Yeah, I cracked it.
- Reg, did you get it? - No.
I thought you got it.
You seemed very calm halfway through.
- I thought - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, erm, it's that calm that you feel when you see like a meteor heading straight towards you LAUGHTER .
.
and you know you're going to die.
So, it don't matter, so you might want to just sit back in the chair and just go, "I'm going to get all roasted.
" Right, Claudia, did you get it? Exactly the same answer as him.
- REG: - And I was with it, man.
I was writing the numbers down and I was hyped up for it, and I was like, "Fuck it, I'm going to nail this bitch!" But, when it hit 965, I was I was out of gas.
LAUGHTER Could it be done, Rachel? And try not to be too smug about the fact that it definitely could be.
It was possible.
You have to do 10-6.
Oh! And then you've got the 4.
Well, you had the 4 to begin with.
Claudia got rid of it, bloody idiot! 4 x 50 = 200, then 200 - 7 = 193, and then 193 x 5.
- 193 x 5! Of course.
CLAUDIA: - Wow! You are such a genius.
Well, no-one got any points, so, Claudia and Johnny have six points, Jon and Reg have 11.
OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner for more Do Not Pass-Coe.
- Claudia.
- Yes.
- It's now your turn to play Do Not Pass-Coe.
Do not collect ?200.
Please pick a colour.
Green, please.
Green is the Maths Round.
How old is Sara Pascoe? - Now, you, I think - Ooh.
- I want to say - Oh-ho! - .
.
you're 26.
- What?! - BUZZER - She's a baby! You're a baby! You're too kind! Can I have a look at you? Yeah! But if it goes up by a lot more, I'll be sad.
Yeah.
70! No.
You're tiny.
You're You're not You're You're 28.
You're 27.
I think you're 25.
You're still silly and too kind.
I am 35 years of age.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
- That's a lie.
Phone your parents.
LAUGHTER The answer is I am 35 and, another fact for you, that is the oldest I've ever been.
So, erm, next up is Johnny.
If you'd like to pick a colour? Can I have red, please? Red.
Ooh, red.
That's Food And Drink.
Food And Drink.
So, Johnny, how do you make olives? You plant an olive, erm, tree.
- BUZZER - I'm sorry, that's wrong.
I'm afraid the answer is you add evil to grapes.
LAUGHTER So, erm We have finished the game, and I am so pleased to announce that the winner of Being Sarah Pascoe for another year is It's me! LAUGHTER I get to be me for another year! It's going to be so great! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did you just give yourself ?200? Yes, there are other ways to cheat the system, Jimmy! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I like that.
The scores at the moment, Claudia and Johnny have 6, Jon and Reg have 11.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser - the word is GENITALS, the clue is, don't touch the Crown Jewels.
That's GENITALS - don't touch the Crown Jewels.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the word is GENITALS.
The clue is - don't touch the crown jewels.
It was, of course, STEALING.
Before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he's started turning up again, I'm really sorry, it's Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE - How you doing, Joe? - Are you taking the piss? I'm upside down, you prick.
Fabio, could you turn Joe the right way up, please? Why did you bring me on upside down, you anus? It's cos I wouldn't let you go swimming, innit? LAUGHTER I didn't let him go swimming, Jimmy, cos last time he pissed in the pool.
I think a lot of people pee in the pool.
He was on the top diving board.
So why are you here, Joe? Er, well, we've been watching the show and we've worked out why it's shit.
The rounds are bollocks.
So we've come up with a new round.
OK, what's the new round? Well, you know how I have no feeling in my penis and testicles? So you've got no feeling in your penis and testicles? No, never have, never will.
I'm blessed.
So It's a simple idea.
John and Claudia will both be given a high-powered paintball gun.
And whoever hits me in the penis and testicles the most times wins.
It's that simple.
Why have we not done it before? Have you run this past health and safety? Have you run it past health and safety, Fabio? Erm Sorry, he doesn't know how to nod.
That's how he says yes.
So, Jon and Claudia, if you want to make your way to the front, let's play Shooting Paintballs At My Penis And Testicles! - ROBOT VOICE: - 'Shooting Paintballs At My Penis And Testicles.
'Shooting Paintballs At My Penis And Testicles.
- 'Shooting Paintballs' - No, no, no, no! Why are you starting now? - Oh, right.
- 'Shooting Paintballs at My Penis and Testicles' - Stop playing it! - VOICE STOPS Right, this should be a simple game! - JOHNNY: - I genuinely have had breakdowns that have been less messy than this.
Right, stop shooting Joe Wilkinson and the penis and testicles until you're told it is OK to shoot Joe Wilkinson in the penis and testicles.
- CLAUDIA: - Is it just me? - I'll tell you when to go.
- Do you promise? - Yes.
Now, don't try this at home, Joe is a highly trained professional, and also expendable.
- OK? - If you're ready, start spinning Joe.
OK, now shoot paintballs at his penis and testicles.
Go now.
I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've just remembered, I do have feeling in my penis and testicles.
I got it muddled up with being deaf in one ear.
Joe, tell us who scored the most.
Well I can tell by the swelling .
.
that Jon hit my penis four times, hit my testicles five times.
And Claudia hit my penis twice but my testicles seven times.
So they both hit me nine times, that's nine points each! Joe Wilkinson, everyone! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, on with the game.
Claudia and Johnny, you choose the letters.
Fabio, chuck us a can, would you, mate? Sorry.
I deserve a can.
- Cheers, pal.
- All right, let's take two consonants, shall we? That is superb.
D, L.
OK.
And two vowels.
A, E.
Got a word! And then two consonants.
Consonants? C, R.
- How many's left? - Another two vowels.
And another consonant.
A, O and N.
OK, and your time starts now.
It's not working.
Joe, can you do it? Er Well, I usually always carry an arrow with me, so I can do the clock, yeah, if you like.
Give us me arrow.
And your time starts now.
# Boo, boo-boo, boo-boo-boo # Boo, boo-boo, boo # Boo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Boo, doo-doo That's how it goes, innit? - Is that right? - Yeah.
Go on.
# Boo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo # Doo, doo-doo, doo # Boo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo # Ba-doo # Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo, doo-doo, doo Get near the end.
# Ba-doot, ba-doot Ba-da, ba-da, badadada, DONG.
APPLAUSE OK.
- Reg, how many? - Don't we have to reset the clock, you prick? We normally do it after we ask how many.
I'm going to black out.
It's your choice.
- How many, Reg? - Six.
Six? Jon? - Eight.
- Oh! Get lost! - Claudia? - Six.
- Johnny? - Six.
- Six.
JOE MAKES WHIRRING NOISES DONG.
OK, Johnny, what was yours? - Mine was CANDLE.
- CANDLE.
- OK, Claudia, your six? - Was CRANED.
- Reg, your six? - CREOLE.
- Nice.
SUSIE: - You need two Es for Creole and it's got a capital C.
Apart from that, bang on.
I would describe that as institutional racism.
- Sorry! - Sorry people don't smile a whole lot.
LAUGHTER Oh, Susie Dent, you've been told! - Jon, what's your eight? - Well, I generally say what's in front of me, so first I got CAN, and then I got RELOAD for the guns, but the eight was COLANDER.
- Yeah.
- Oh! COLANDER! Eight points to Jon.
Give us a go of your seesaw, Jon.
Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better than the eight? They could have done equally good with CALENDAR, but that's just the same letters in a different order.
OK, then.
So the scores at the moment, Claudia and Johnny have 15, Jon and Reg have 28.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TIT CHESS, and the clue is - it'll hurt.
That's TIT CHESS - it'll hurt.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TIT CHESS.
The clue is - it'll hurt.
It was, of course, STITCHES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Reg, your turn to choose the letters.
It's worth mentioning, Reg, you've still yet to score a point.
Yet, I am winning.
LAUGHTER Sorry, Jimmy, could I just? Susie, can you pop my beer on there? - Yeah.
- Just pop it on there.
- It'll be fine.
Wa-hey! - Got it? Carry on.
APPLAUSE I'm slightly worried if we need to use you as the clock again and you've got a full lager.
I will be sick.
OK.
Jon, Reg, choose the letters.
Reg, you pick and then you slap down a nine and we see-saw our way into the goddamn sunset, you and I.
I'd like a consonant.
B And then I would like two vowels.
I O I would like another vowel.
A And then I'd like two consonants.
D I'll have one more vowel and two more consonants.
E and S and D OK, and your time starts now.
Hello.
Jon, how many? I declare nothing.
I leave this round fully in the hands of my partner, Reginald.
- Reg, how many? - Six.
- Suck on that.
- Claudia.
- Six.
- They sucked it.
- Johnny? - Five.
Well, Johnny, what was your five? - FATED.
- FATED.
LAUGHTER It's an S not an F.
FATED - I think you misheard an S for an F.
- SATED.
- Yes, that's what I meant, SATED.
- SATED.
- Claudia, your six.
- BOATED.
OK, BOATED.
Reg.
For the first time ever, can you score six points on Countdown? Hey, man, for the first time ever, could you, like, not put me under pressure? BITOAD LAUGHTER Superb! Superb! Aww, you could have had the BITOAD.
As in a toad that's, like, sexually Goes both ways, that's right.
Is BITOAD in there, by any chance? Sorry, BITOAD's not in there.
Maybe y'all have a racist dictionary over there.
LAUGHTER So, no points to Reg, he's still got his perfect record, but six points to Claudia.
APPLAUSE Sara, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, there's a seven there - BOATIES.
Yeah, I got BOASTED.
- Did I? - Very good.
- Yeah.
OK, so, Claudia and Johnny have 21, Jon and Reg have 28.
APPLAUSE OK, time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER Oh.
I thought it was DISROBING but it isn't.
OK, let's start the clock again.
It's not DISROBING.
Well, no-one got it, but let's take a look.
BOARDINGS So, the final scores are Claudia and Johnny have 21 points, but tonight's winners, with 28, are Jon and Reg! APPLAUSE Yeah, Reg, you don't have to score a point, you did it! Reg only went and bloody did it.
Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown see-saw.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!