According To Jim s08e05 Episode Script

1 Come on, Gordon.
Your brother's already upstairs asleep.
And when I catch your mother awake, I got a shot at unwrapping an early Christmas gift.
Shh.
Close your eyes.
That's my boy.
Oh, very good, very good.
Oh, no.
Deck the halls with boughs of Holly fa la la la la la la la la shh! Shh! Shh! 'Tis the season to be jolly what in god's name is wrong with you people? It took me an hour to get this kid asleep.
Oh, sorry.
We didn't know.
Sorry?! Sorry's not good enough.
Sleep in heavenly peace ooh that's enough.
He's out.
Okay, who knows any Barry white? All right.
You, me, upstairs with the wife.
Well, there's my beautiful children.
We want to talk to you about our Christmas presents.
Oh.
Go talk to your real dad.
He lives in Michigan.
We're not falling for that again.
We spent six hours on the bus, and that guy made us go right back home.
And he was Chinese.
All right.
Let me see what you got here.
Oh, jeez, kids.
I don't know.
Uh, you know, Christmas is gonna be a little different this year.
Just like everybody else, uh, Santa's suffering from the recession, and I heard he had to sell his vacation home down in the south pole.
Uh, I think it's gonna be tougher to make Santa's "nice" list.
I mean, probably only two of you will make it.
Who wants it more? I'm gonna go vacuum.
I'll shovel the walk.
I'm gonna call grandma and ask her about her new hip.
And Ruby takes early lead.
What got into them? The spirit of Christmas.
This sucks.
You're in a mood.
What's wrong? Oh, Andy.
My kids are gonna have a crappy Christmas this year.
I mean, between the economy and these twins-- I mean, look at this list.
Oh.
Damn.
Man, all I ever got as a kid was sugar-free candy and a book on isometric exercises.
Real subtle, Santa.
Ho ho ho ho! I don't know.
I can't get any of these things.
You know what? That's it.
I'm going Jewish.
Ah, that--that won't work, Jim.
Hanukkah means eight nights of gifts.
Yeah, but not good gifts.
They get, like, tootsie rolls and bread.
No.
All you need is some extra money, right? Yeah.
A reliable revenue stream.
You know what's reliable? Gambling.
You're right, absolutely.
Let's see who's running at the track.
All right.
I had a hot tip on a pygmy night fighter, but I guess we could play it safe and go to the track.
Hey, look at this.
They're shooting a new movie in town.
Wh-- and they need twin baby boys.
What movie? "President baby 2.
" Shut up.
That was my favorite movie last year.
Oh! I split a gut when president baby told the secretary of defense that he made a boom boom in the war room.
Is that the one where president baby was fighting terrorists and had to land "air force one" by himself? Yeah, but in this one, they called it "air force onesie.
" You know, I don't remember you taking the kids to that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I-i-i took the kids.
That's-- that's how I saw it.
Well, you know what? These Hollywood types-- they pay big money.
I hear Ben stiller uses bottled water to flush his toilet.
Right there, Jim.
If we can get Jonathan and Gordon in on this deal, your hanukkah problems are over.
Andy, forget hanukkah.
With this Hollywood money, we're sticking with baby Jesus.
Hey, Cheryl.
You can stop your panicking.
Fantastic.
Remind me what I was panicking about.
About how we're gonna pay for Christmas.
Come on.
You were up all night crying about it.
No, I wasn't.
Yeah, you were.
2:00 in the morning, I heard, "wah, wah, wah.
" That was the babies.
The babies are up at 2:00 in the morning? Well, tell them not to panic, because all our money troubles are over, thanks to Hollywood.
Jim, you cannot sue Hollywood because "lost" gives you a headache.
Well, tell me, where are they? Are they on the island or are they in the big city? "Hey.
Run with me through the jungle, but I can't tell you why.
" No.
Tell me first, then we'll run.
Okay, what does any of this have to do with Christmas? Well, have you heard they're shooting "president baby 2" right here in town? Yeah.
What? Why would they shoot another movie about a baby president? Because it's Hollywood, and they think everyone in America is stupid.
And there are loose ends to tie up from the first one.
Bulgaria has nukes, and the president is cutting a tooth.
It's a powder keg.
All right, now I am panicking.
What the hell are you guys talking about? Well, Jonathan and Gordon have been cast as the new secretary of defense.
No, no, no, no.
You are not signing up our babies to be in some ridiculous movie.
Well, it's not ridiculous.
It's a real Hollywood movie.
Steve guttenberg's in it.
I mean, the real Steve guttenberg, not the look-alike we saw at the fair.
Jim, they are 6 months old.
I don't want them to work.
What? It's not work.
It's acting.
And the money they earn can make for a nice Christmas.
Yes.
And tell me this-- how would you like to be able to flush your toilets with bottled water? Look at these kids, Cheryl.
They're stars.
Mm-hmm.
You guys had headshots made up? Well, we had to make 'em look professional.
Oh, sorry.
I got a corner of your boob in Gordon's shot.
That's Jonathan.
Jonathan? How can you tell the difference? They look exactly the same.
No, almost exactly.
Jonathan has this cowlick on top of his head.
Oh.
Cowlick--can we get extra money for that? Of course you can.
That's why you have me as your agent.
I didn't agree that you would be the agent.
Now we had a verbal agreement.
No, no.
I want my lawyer to look at this.
I can be your lawyer, too.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you are not our agent or our lawyer, because the kids aren't gonna work.
They can't speak for themselves, but I can.
No, no and no! Postpartum still.
You know what, Andy? She is wrong.
She is absolutely wrong.
I know if these kids could talk, they would beg me to do this.
We want to do it, daddy.
Yeah, daddy.
Save Christmas.
Save Christmas for everyone.
Gordon, I'd love to save Christmas, but tell me--how am I gonna get you guys out of the house without your mother knowing? Hmm.
I think Jonathan has a plan.
When I win my academy award, I'm gonna thank daddy and not mommy.
Funny.
It looks like her boob is talking.
Wiggle.
Wiggle.
Wiggle.
Okay, so let's review the plan.
I tell mommy I'm sick.
Right.
Yes, and your dad I took the twins out so they don't get red-spotted fever.
So if I do this, I get everything on my Christmas list? Well, I can't make any promises, but I'll tell you what.
Santa does like a kid who plays ball.
Oh, yeah.
Being on a set really takes me back to my acting days.
You did one commercial.
You were 10.
It never leaves you-- the smell of the soundstage, the hum of the lights, the sweaty crew guy glaring at me for eating the last doughnut.
Sorry, "shorts in December," I'm with the talent.
Okay, we're rolling.
Oh.
That means they're starting.
Guys, please, settle.
That means "quiet.
" I'm talking to you.
That means he's talking to me.
And action! But, president baby, respectfully, I just don't know if the American public is going to go for it.
I mean, mandatory nap time is Well, perhaps the secretary of defense has an opinion on the matter.
Perhaps the secretary of defense has an opinion on the matter.
Hello? Hey.
Hey, you.
I'm talking to you.
I'm talking to-- look.
See, this is what's going on, Rob.
This is what--i need them to look at me, okay? I need eyes to act, okay? I mean, what are we doing here? I mean, this is, like, you know, I got a guy, Mr.
Distraction, and I got Reagan sleeping here.
I mean, what is this, Vancouver? Okay? I did this film as a favor.
Jeez.
Cut.
Switch the babies, please.
Wow.
Did you see that? He just threw a fit and stormed off.
Boy, I wish I could act like that in my life.
You do it all the time.
I do not, and you know what? I'm tired of your crap.
If you don't knock it off, you're walking home.
I'm outta here.
Where are the cashews, huh? There's four kinds of berries here.
Where are my cashews? Here.
Here.
They're right here.
Oh.
Thanks, pal.
You get me.
Oh, I appreciate that, Steve.
Thanks.
No, you can call me "the gute.
" Well, I'm much more comfortable, you know, calling you "Steve.
" No.
I want you to call me "the gute.
" Uh, Jim, since we have the gute here Hey, you get me.
Thanks, pal.
Cashew? Oh.
Yeah.
Well, uh, the gute, um, you know, uh, Andy and I wrote this script that we thought you'd really like.
It's a movie idea.
Oh, let me guess.
"Cocoon 3.
" This time I play the old guy.
Damn it! We just wasted 45 minutes of our lives writing that.
Oh.
Hang on a second.
This shot's not gonna match.
That baby has a cowlick.
I need someone to cut it off.
Come on.
Hair, makeup.
Come on, people.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, you can't do that.
You can't cut 'em off.
That's the only way we tell the twins apart.
We don't want to tell 'em apart, okay? We hired twins so the audience thinks it's one person.
I know, but in my house, my wife thinks they're two persons.
So I think this is gonna be a problem.
Well, in my house, my wife is living with my agent, and I'm stuck in a motel, okay? So I guess we all have our problems.
All right, that's it.
These twins are fired.
Let's bring in the backups.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait one second.
Uh, you don't need to fire 'em.
I, uh Here.
Just give me the scissors.
Let me do it.
Give him the scissors.
J-j-j-Jim, wait.
Wait.
Are you sure about this? Oh, come on.
What's the big deal? We'll just keep our eye on 'em.
We'll be able to tell 'em apart.
It's no big deal.
And action! But Mr.
Secretary, I Whoa! Poop in pants.
Switch babies.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Ho.
Oh.
He just spit up on the treaty with Mexico.
Switch babies.
Poop in the pants.
Switch babies.
Action! But, sir, I, uh Hey.
I'm talking to you.
Yeah, you look at me like No, no, no.
I'm not working like this.
Okay? You got me? I'm done.
Oh, you did such a fine job, Gordon.
Actually, I think that's Jonathan.
Really? Are you sure? Well, no, I'm not sure.
I thought you were watching them.
Don't take that tone with me, Jim.
You're upsetting Gordon Jonathan.
Well, what kind of tone would you like me to take? Hey, guys? For what it's worth, I think gay couples adopting is fantastic.
Is that you, Jonathan? Gordon? Jonathan.
You can't tell these twins apart.
Crap.
Wh--what--what are you gonna tell Cheryl? I'm gonna tell Cheryl nothin'.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Look at this.
You know what? This fur is the same color as the baby's hair.
Yeah.
That'll work.
Now if I can just figure out a way to get this to stick to Jonathan's head.
Hmm.
There we go.
Oh! There you go, Jonathan.
It's like a little baby toupee.
Now if we just keep the ants off his head, he'll do fine.
Oh, sticky bun, is there anything you can't do? Okay, the coast is Crowded.
There you are! Oh, honey, thank you so much for taking the twins all day.
Oh, well, of course, honey.
Hi! I mean, you know, we didn't want to leave 'em at home and let Kyle get 'em sick.
You know what? He's not even sick.
He drew spots all over his face so he could stay home from school.
He's a good little actor.
Really? How good? So where'd you guys go today? Ha ha.
Ahem.
Uh, well, you know what? I thought that these kids could use a little culture, so we took them to the art institute.
You know, they have that great impressionist collection there.
I mean, the cézanne exhibit-- it's the new one now.
And then we went over to the sculptures, saw, uh, rodin and then botero.
It's kind of funny.
Jonathan thought that uncle Andy was one of the sculptures.
Oh.
Wow.
That sounds amazing.
Well, it stimulates the right brain, you know.
Did my little boys learn all about art? Holy cow.
Where did that come from? Uh, elmo and big bird on "sesame street.
" They went to the museum.
- Oh, mommy missed you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Jim, is there something you'd like to tell me? Yes, there is, Cheryl.
I think the waxing lady missed a spot.
Oh, Jim.
This is not hair, and it's all sticky.
Uh, well, i-- y-y--i-i seem to remember that after the museum, we went to the zoo.
Yes.
And--and an anteater licked him Mm-hmm.
B-b-because he had ants on his head It was cute.
B-because it was raining doughnuts Right.
B-because the doughnut truck had, um, fallen off the bridge because Britney Spears was there and fine! We didn't go to the zoo or the museum.
What did you do that for? We had her.
All right.
They're asleep.
Now I can murder you without any witnesses.
What the hell is wrong with you?! Come on, Cheryl.
So what? We can't tell the kids apart.
Big deal.
It is a big deal.
All right, all right.
If you're gonna get all wife-y on me here Let me tell you, i-I'm planning to fix it.
All right, we put the two babies on the rug, we say, "here, Gordon.
Here, Gordon," and the one that comes is Gordon.
Or hey-- how about his idea? How about we just give 'em new names? You know, I like that better.
That's why I married you, baby.
You know, I like "Billy" and "scoots.
" Jim, we can't tell which baby is which.
Well, I think that's good.
That's a good thing.
It's more fair that way.
That way, we can love them both equally.
We already love them both equally.
Do we? Come on.
Not this again.
All I'm saying is, I don't think Jonathan likes me.
And frankly, I'm not a big fan of his.
It wasn't personal.
When you change a newborn boy's diapers, sometimes they're gonna pee on you.
I get that, Cheryl, but when he did it, he was smiling.
Jim.
All I'm saying is, it was downhill since then, and we got a fresh start now-- a fresh $1,200 start.
They saved Christmas.
Christmas didn't need to be saved! Sure it did, Cheryl.
No! Didn't you see that list? Did you see the Christmas list? Come on.
They want mp3 players, uh, "guitar heroes," a personal submarine.
All right, that's for Andy, but come on.
Hey-- honey, I'm--all I'm saying is, we need the money for this.
They're kids.
They don't need to get everything they want.
Oh.
Oh.
This coming from the woman who wakes up in the middle of the night to feed 'em.
I feed the babies, Jim.
Well, why are they always so hungry? Why don't you just feed them a decent dinner? And they can sleep through the night.
Cheryl Christmas! Okay, it's Christmas.
These kids look forward to it all year.
This is the highlight of their year.
We need it.
No, Jim.
You need it.
What are you talking about? Jim, you get them tons of presents 'cause you didn't get that when you were a kid.
It's your way to prove to yourself you're a great father, but listen to me.
You're a great father for a lot of other reasons.
No, Cheryl.
We both know you're wrong about that.
Well, you--you have your own technique for fatherhood.
Oh, Cheryl.
All I know is, every Christmas that I got up and went to that tree, there were no presents.
No, Jim.
In your house, there were no parents.
There's a difference.
Look, I just think we make way too big a deal about Christmas.
You know, you know, when we were growing up, we--we'd give Andy some sugar-free candies and exercise books, and he loved it.
He did? Yes, he did.
He--he'd eat all his sugar-free candy and walk around the house saying "This is the year I'm gonna lose all the weight.
" Adorable.
I don't know, Cheryl.
I-i You know, I grew up disappointed.
I-I just don't want my kids to be disappointed on Christmas morning.
They're kids.
They're gonna be disappointed.
Look, honey, I love them dearly, but they are greedy, selfish creatures.
But--but don't you remember that angelic look of gratitude when they opened each and every gift? What gifts, Jim? What gifts are you talking about? Are you maybe talking about these gifts? These are all their gifts from last Christmas.
Oh, look.
It's the mandolin that Ruby just had to have.
Oh, and what's that? Oh, it's the magic kit for Gracie, still in its box.
And what's this? Kyle's reading workbook? Oh, yeah.
We told him it was from Santa so maybe he'd crack it open.
Look, the point is we get them too much stuff, and then they don't appreciate it.
They've completely forgotten all of last year's gifts.
Completely? Yeah.
I bet they don't even remember what's on their list for this year.
They just want stuff-- stuff they can unwrap.
Hey, look.
A mandolin.
Cool! I'm gonna play this every day.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my gosh! A magic set! I'm gonna do shows.
Santa wants me to read.
Good luck with that, Santa.
Oh! He got me a $1,200 bracelet.
I guess I was just naughty enough.
And I got A credit card bill with a balance of zero.
Oh, a Christmas miracle.