Bewitched (1964) s08e05 Episode Script
Bewitched, Bothered, and Baldoni
Hi.
This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the famous Galafedgio Venus.
Also known as Aphrodite.
Also known as big, big troublemaker.
Ah, Venus, the goddess of love.
The high priestess of hanky-panky.
And now, a special treat for the ladies.
Come this way.
Galafedgio Adonis.
Mythology's strongest man and greatest lover.
He had to be.
He was the boyfriend of Venus.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, follow me upstairs, and we will visit with the great works of the Renaissance.
This is where we came in.
Let's split.
[.]
Oh.
Aren't they adorable? I like your kind of doll better.
WOMAN: I think she's cute too.
Tell me I didn't hear anything.
Mother.
Where? Where? Now, that's what I call bad casting.
Your mother as a doll.
Mother, what are you doing in Rome? What are you doing in Rome? I thought you were staying in Pisa.
Well, we We are.
We have a lovely villa.
But Darrin had a business appointment this afternoon so we thought we'd do a little sightseeing.
Oh.
And what's more important, who's home minding the children? Esmeralda is covering for me.
And Tabitha wanted spaghetti for lunch.
Why didn't you go to the market like anybody else? I'm not like anybody else.
Nor are my grandchildren.
When they want Italian spaghetti, they get Italian spaghetti.
But, Mother, you promised.
Speaking of promises, I almost forgot.
I-I made a promise to the children that I would kiss their mama and their papa for them.
[LAUGHS.]
Er Well, half a promise is better than none.
I appreciate that, Endora.
I have a business luncheon, and I don't want to lose my appetite.
I better get going.
See you back at the villa, honey.
Ciao.
And it's always a pleasure to say goodbye to you, Endora.
[.]
Oh, my.
What big eyes he has.
Mother, what's the real reason you're in Rome? That's the reason.
A mortal creature like Durwood, transplanted from his quarter acre of suburban crabgrass to this romantic Roman carnival, can go bananas.
And I don't want my little girl to get hurt.
Ahh, well, I appreciate the concern, mamma mia.
It's been nice chatting with you.
But we're having guests for the weekend, so I have to do the marketing.
Arrivederci.
[.]
ENDORA: Arrivederci? Oh, you poor, trusting child.
When will you ever learn that Mother knows best? [.]
And what Mother knows best is how to prove she's right.
[LAUGHS.]
[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
Marble Venus though you be.
I'll take thy marble heart From thee.
And turn it into Flame and fire.
To light a mortal man's Desire [.]
Oh.
That feels so good.
You'll feel even better when you're properly dressed.
What is this I'm wearing? [CHUCKLES.]
A woman's greatest weapon: A clinging dress.
You look stunning in it.
Oh, I know, I know.
But how did you do it and why? Well, "how," it's just a little parlor trick.
"Why," I'll tell you as soon as we get out of here.
Oh.
Half a moment, dear.
Now you won't be missed for hours.
Come along, dear.
[.]
[.]
Oh, mi scusi, I did not know this table was occupied.
I'm sorry.
No, don't go.
I'd be honored if you'd join me.
Grazie.
Ahhh.
How charming you are.
Ah, thank you.
I feel charming.
I don't mean I feel charming, I mean, I'm charmed by your Your eyes.
You have the most remarkable eyes.
Green, aren't they? That is your favorite color? Yeah.
Then they are green.
Ahem.
So this is Rome.
Non è vero.
This is tourist Rome.
May I show you the real Rome? W-would you? That would be very nice.
But impossible.
I have this business meeting with my boss and a client.
It's very important.
It is so important? But not that important.
Let's go.
And it's not as though Larry can't talk to the client by himself.
Well, if he is the boss, he certainly should be able to, no? Oui.
Si.
[.]
Good morning.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
Mmmm.
Molto fantastico.
Ah, grazie, grazie.
MR.
TATE: I'm Mr.
Tate.
Hi, Sam.
How's Darrin? Will he live? Uh [SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
Grazie, signora, grazie.
What are you talking about? He didn't show up for the meeting with Baldoni.
So I can only conclude he was in some terrible accident.
And if he wasn't, he's gonna wish he were.
Hello.
I'm home.
[.]
Hi, Larry.
Sweetheart.
Sam, the most amazing thing happened to me.
Let me guess.
You were kidnapped, and you escaped.
Anything less, I won't accept.
Uh, no.
What happened was, er, I bumped into this Italian.
But, Darrin, you had a business appointment with Larry and Mr.
Baldoni.
Oh, don't worry, Larry.
Baldoni and his wife are driving up for dinner and to spend the weekend.
We'll make it up to them then.
That's your whole explanation? Well, uh a-after I bumped into this Italian we sort of took a walk.
Oh.
Well, is there anything wrong with an American tourist trying to make a good impression on his European cousin? We, uh, e-exchanged ideas.
You know, it's really quite sad.
Do you realize how hard it is for a European to get a working visa in the United States if you don't have a job waiting for you? This Italian cousin of yours, what sort of work does she do? Did I say it was a she? You didn't say it was a he, so I figured it had to be a she.
Oh.
A lady cousin.
Uh, yeah.
Heh.
Uh, anyway, um, I thought you could use some help with the dinner party tonight.
The villa comes with four in-help.
Oh, I figured that's what you'd say.
But actually it's not so much for tonight, I was thinking of taking her home with us.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Home? Where we live? Well, sure.
You could use some help around the house.
Just temporarily, of course, till she got settled.
Anyway, uh, she, uh She's waiting outside.
Oh.
Oh, well, uh, show her in.
I guess that's the, uh, courteous thing to do, huh? Heh-heh! Excuse me.
[.]
Vanessa, come in, please.
Uh, Vanessa, this is my, uh Uh Wife.
Wife.
And I'm, uh Uh Larry Tate.
Buongiorno.
[CHUCKLES.]
Buongiorno.
Oh, I'm so delighted to meet you all.
And I accept the position.
You've had experience as a housekeeper? No.
DARRIN: Well, that's perfect, Sam.
That means she hasn't developed any bad habits.
Heh! We can break her in just the way we want her.
BOTH: Darrin, could I speak to you privately? Sorry.
Mine won't take long.
Excuse me.
Heh.
Come on.
Uh, y-you'll be serving tonight.
So why don't you go into the kitchen, and one of the girls can find you an apron.
I have to go upstairs and take care of something.
Si, signora.
[.]
Mother, you show up here pronto.
I don't know what you're up to or who that girl is, but you're not proving anything.
A monk wouldn't be safe with her.
"Monk or monkey, what's the difference?" Oh.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sam, I've been talking to Larry and he's concerned.
And what he's concerned about is that you're concerned.
But it's really nothing to be concerned about.
I'm not concerned.
Now, look, I realize Vanessa is not your average maid.
You can bet my sweet mother she isn't.
What's that supposed to mean? I-I'm not sure what it is, but there's something very strange about her.
And it's quite possible that Mother's weird sense of humor is hard at work.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yes? VANESSA: It is me, signora.
I want you to see how I look in the apron.
Oh, uh, come in, Vanessa.
[.]
Do I look all right? Uh, well, uh, Vanessa, when I said an apron.
I-I didn't mean just an apron.
Now, why don't you be a good girl and go out.
Backwards.
And we'll make sure you get a uniform to go with that apron.
Si, signora.
Doesn't that tell you anything? It just means she's inexperienced.
She may be many things, Darrin, but inexperienced is not one of them.
[.]
Signor Baldoni, a thousand apologies for missing this afternoon's appointment.
Grazie.
Uh, but you see, uh, I was waylaid At the Vatican, waiting to see the Pope.
Oh.
In that case, you will forgive him, Ernesto, huh? If your advertising is as imaginative as your excuses, then the House of Baldoni will do very well in America.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, well, please, come on in.
Thank you.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Baldoni, this is my wife, Samantha.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
How do you do? It is a pleasure.
Hi, Sam.
And our maid, Vanessa.
[.]
Hello, Vanessa.
Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you.
May I fix our guest a cocktail? Martini for me.
I will have a glass of water.
I'll have a martini with a twist of legs.
Lemon.
I've never seen such beautiful hazel eyes.
They're brown.
They're green.
They are hazel.
Come on, I'll prove it to you.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Stephens, but does your maid come with the villa? Uh, not really.
She's a friend of the family.
I would rather have Lucrezia Borgia as a friend.
They're definitely hazel.
Brown.
They're green and stop crowding her.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Uh, call me if If one of them suggests playing spin the bottle.
Spin the bottle? Just an American joke.
I think.
Hello? Si.
Si.
Signor Baldoni, it's for you.
Oh.
Scusi.
[.]
Sweetheart.
Grazie.
Hello.
Oh, yes, Guido.
What? H-how? Why was I not informed sooner? [INDISTINCT SPEECH.]
I appreciate it, Guido.
This is fantastic.
What has happened, Ernesto? That was Guido Compapasso.
See, he is the Director of the National Museum, and I am on the board of trustees.
He has just informed me that the statue of Venus, the Galafedgio Venus, has been stolen in broad daylight.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
MR.
BALDONI: It is the crime of the century.
Uh, w-w-would you all excuse me, please? Crimes of the century give me a headache.
[.]
Mother.
Mother.
I know who Vanessa is, and you know who Vanessa is, and I want Vanessa like Vanessa was, and I want it now.
[.]
"Patience is its own reward.
Remember, Mother knows best.
" What Mother knows best is how to cause a lot of trouble.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sam, what's wrong with you? We have guests.
I know.
And we also have a maid who happens to be the crime of the century.
Hm? Venus.
The goddess of love.
The one we saw at the museum this afternoon.
Mother zapped her into human form.
Are you sure? It's a wise daughter who knows her own mother.
If she has that effect on me, what about Larry and? And Mr.
Baldoni? Oh [.]
MRS.
BALDONI: Ernesto, what do you think you are doing? I am only reading her palm.
In a minute you'll be reading the back of my hand.
Why is she fooling around with him, if I'm supposed to be her pigeon? Fooling around is her business.
Is there any way you can put her out of business? Maybe.
A quick trip to Rome.
Sweetheart, you go down there and try to keep everything under control.
Uh, including yourself.
Ciao.
[.]
Though of marble you be carved For a woman you are starved.
So back you go To flesh and sinew.
The fairest of them all Will win you [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
Oh.
Ha-ha! Forget it, Adonis.
I am not the fairest of them all.
Well, you will do until something better comes along.
Something better is waiting for you at my villa.
Well, I guess I'll have to get you into some decent clothes.
Who are you? A matchmaker.
And have I got a match for you.
Of course, as the House of Baldoni's goodwill ambassador, you will have an unlimited expense account in the finest hotels in Europe.
And, uh, every once in a while, I might join you in Zurich or Paris.
Yes, of course.
After you have come out of the hospital.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Baldoni, but I have Vanessa under exclusive contract as a maid.
Besides, Vanessa, you wouldn't want to break up a happy marriage.
Oh.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
However, my marriage could stand a little breaking.
How would you like to be my private secretary? Larry, does she look like a private secretary to you? Well, she looks more like a private secretary than she does a maid.
Well, I don't care what she looks like, I saw her first.
Hi.
[.]
Oh, Adonis.
Venus.
What did they call each other? Venus and Adonis.
Pet names.
This is Alberto, Mr.
and Mrs.
Baldoni, my husband Darrin and his business associate Larry Tate.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Baldoni, I'd like you to meet Alber to.
Alberto.
Alberto.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]
What a beautiful young man you are.
I have never seen such eyes.
What color are they? ALBERTO: What is your favorite color, signora? Black.
And they are black.
Like the velvet night.
Isabella, you are making a fool of yourself.
Me? And what about you, you old goat? Who are you calling an old goat? Me.
She was looking at me when she said that.
You're right, signora.
The pretty faces turn my head.
I should be ashamed of myself.
Sam, why don't you take the lovebirds out in the garden so they can have a little more privacy? Right.
Uh, come on, you crazy kids.
[.]
[WHISPERING.]
Mother.
Mother.
It's now or never.
Please.
Pretty please? I'm so sorry for the delay, darling.
Shh.
But I was waiting for Esmeralda to return.
Mother, never mind.
We have to get those statues back where they belong.
Oh? They seem to be very happy where they are.
Mother, that's Adonis.
I got him to run a little pass interference for Darrin.
Copycats.
Okay, okay.
Okay, fun and games are over.
Break it up, you two, we have to send you back.
[.]
All right, Mother, together now.
BOTH: One, two and three.
Mother.
Oh, Mother, we can't send them back like that.
Why not? I think it's sweet.
What are people gonna say when they see those two statues holding hands? Nothing.
What's one more miracle in the enchanted city of Rome? Ciao.
[MOUTHED SPEECH.]
[.]
[.]
Where are Venus and what's-his-name? Adonis and what's-her-name are back in the museum.
[SIGHS.]
You gotta admit, that goddess was some goddess.
And you are to be congratulated for putting up what little struggle you put up to resist her.
Well, it wasn't easy.
For a while there, it was, uh, touch-and-go.
Touch what and go where? Sam.
Well? [.]
[.]
This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the famous Galafedgio Venus.
Also known as Aphrodite.
Also known as big, big troublemaker.
Ah, Venus, the goddess of love.
The high priestess of hanky-panky.
And now, a special treat for the ladies.
Come this way.
Galafedgio Adonis.
Mythology's strongest man and greatest lover.
He had to be.
He was the boyfriend of Venus.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, follow me upstairs, and we will visit with the great works of the Renaissance.
This is where we came in.
Let's split.
[.]
Oh.
Aren't they adorable? I like your kind of doll better.
WOMAN: I think she's cute too.
Tell me I didn't hear anything.
Mother.
Where? Where? Now, that's what I call bad casting.
Your mother as a doll.
Mother, what are you doing in Rome? What are you doing in Rome? I thought you were staying in Pisa.
Well, we We are.
We have a lovely villa.
But Darrin had a business appointment this afternoon so we thought we'd do a little sightseeing.
Oh.
And what's more important, who's home minding the children? Esmeralda is covering for me.
And Tabitha wanted spaghetti for lunch.
Why didn't you go to the market like anybody else? I'm not like anybody else.
Nor are my grandchildren.
When they want Italian spaghetti, they get Italian spaghetti.
But, Mother, you promised.
Speaking of promises, I almost forgot.
I-I made a promise to the children that I would kiss their mama and their papa for them.
[LAUGHS.]
Er Well, half a promise is better than none.
I appreciate that, Endora.
I have a business luncheon, and I don't want to lose my appetite.
I better get going.
See you back at the villa, honey.
Ciao.
And it's always a pleasure to say goodbye to you, Endora.
[.]
Oh, my.
What big eyes he has.
Mother, what's the real reason you're in Rome? That's the reason.
A mortal creature like Durwood, transplanted from his quarter acre of suburban crabgrass to this romantic Roman carnival, can go bananas.
And I don't want my little girl to get hurt.
Ahh, well, I appreciate the concern, mamma mia.
It's been nice chatting with you.
But we're having guests for the weekend, so I have to do the marketing.
Arrivederci.
[.]
ENDORA: Arrivederci? Oh, you poor, trusting child.
When will you ever learn that Mother knows best? [.]
And what Mother knows best is how to prove she's right.
[LAUGHS.]
[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
Marble Venus though you be.
I'll take thy marble heart From thee.
And turn it into Flame and fire.
To light a mortal man's Desire [.]
Oh.
That feels so good.
You'll feel even better when you're properly dressed.
What is this I'm wearing? [CHUCKLES.]
A woman's greatest weapon: A clinging dress.
You look stunning in it.
Oh, I know, I know.
But how did you do it and why? Well, "how," it's just a little parlor trick.
"Why," I'll tell you as soon as we get out of here.
Oh.
Half a moment, dear.
Now you won't be missed for hours.
Come along, dear.
[.]
[.]
Oh, mi scusi, I did not know this table was occupied.
I'm sorry.
No, don't go.
I'd be honored if you'd join me.
Grazie.
Ahhh.
How charming you are.
Ah, thank you.
I feel charming.
I don't mean I feel charming, I mean, I'm charmed by your Your eyes.
You have the most remarkable eyes.
Green, aren't they? That is your favorite color? Yeah.
Then they are green.
Ahem.
So this is Rome.
Non è vero.
This is tourist Rome.
May I show you the real Rome? W-would you? That would be very nice.
But impossible.
I have this business meeting with my boss and a client.
It's very important.
It is so important? But not that important.
Let's go.
And it's not as though Larry can't talk to the client by himself.
Well, if he is the boss, he certainly should be able to, no? Oui.
Si.
[.]
Good morning.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
Mmmm.
Molto fantastico.
Ah, grazie, grazie.
MR.
TATE: I'm Mr.
Tate.
Hi, Sam.
How's Darrin? Will he live? Uh [SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
Grazie, signora, grazie.
What are you talking about? He didn't show up for the meeting with Baldoni.
So I can only conclude he was in some terrible accident.
And if he wasn't, he's gonna wish he were.
Hello.
I'm home.
[.]
Hi, Larry.
Sweetheart.
Sam, the most amazing thing happened to me.
Let me guess.
You were kidnapped, and you escaped.
Anything less, I won't accept.
Uh, no.
What happened was, er, I bumped into this Italian.
But, Darrin, you had a business appointment with Larry and Mr.
Baldoni.
Oh, don't worry, Larry.
Baldoni and his wife are driving up for dinner and to spend the weekend.
We'll make it up to them then.
That's your whole explanation? Well, uh a-after I bumped into this Italian we sort of took a walk.
Oh.
Well, is there anything wrong with an American tourist trying to make a good impression on his European cousin? We, uh, e-exchanged ideas.
You know, it's really quite sad.
Do you realize how hard it is for a European to get a working visa in the United States if you don't have a job waiting for you? This Italian cousin of yours, what sort of work does she do? Did I say it was a she? You didn't say it was a he, so I figured it had to be a she.
Oh.
A lady cousin.
Uh, yeah.
Heh.
Uh, anyway, um, I thought you could use some help with the dinner party tonight.
The villa comes with four in-help.
Oh, I figured that's what you'd say.
But actually it's not so much for tonight, I was thinking of taking her home with us.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Home? Where we live? Well, sure.
You could use some help around the house.
Just temporarily, of course, till she got settled.
Anyway, uh, she, uh She's waiting outside.
Oh.
Oh, well, uh, show her in.
I guess that's the, uh, courteous thing to do, huh? Heh-heh! Excuse me.
[.]
Vanessa, come in, please.
Uh, Vanessa, this is my, uh Uh Wife.
Wife.
And I'm, uh Uh Larry Tate.
Buongiorno.
[CHUCKLES.]
Buongiorno.
Oh, I'm so delighted to meet you all.
And I accept the position.
You've had experience as a housekeeper? No.
DARRIN: Well, that's perfect, Sam.
That means she hasn't developed any bad habits.
Heh! We can break her in just the way we want her.
BOTH: Darrin, could I speak to you privately? Sorry.
Mine won't take long.
Excuse me.
Heh.
Come on.
Uh, y-you'll be serving tonight.
So why don't you go into the kitchen, and one of the girls can find you an apron.
I have to go upstairs and take care of something.
Si, signora.
[.]
Mother, you show up here pronto.
I don't know what you're up to or who that girl is, but you're not proving anything.
A monk wouldn't be safe with her.
"Monk or monkey, what's the difference?" Oh.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sam, I've been talking to Larry and he's concerned.
And what he's concerned about is that you're concerned.
But it's really nothing to be concerned about.
I'm not concerned.
Now, look, I realize Vanessa is not your average maid.
You can bet my sweet mother she isn't.
What's that supposed to mean? I-I'm not sure what it is, but there's something very strange about her.
And it's quite possible that Mother's weird sense of humor is hard at work.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yes? VANESSA: It is me, signora.
I want you to see how I look in the apron.
Oh, uh, come in, Vanessa.
[.]
Do I look all right? Uh, well, uh, Vanessa, when I said an apron.
I-I didn't mean just an apron.
Now, why don't you be a good girl and go out.
Backwards.
And we'll make sure you get a uniform to go with that apron.
Si, signora.
Doesn't that tell you anything? It just means she's inexperienced.
She may be many things, Darrin, but inexperienced is not one of them.
[.]
Signor Baldoni, a thousand apologies for missing this afternoon's appointment.
Grazie.
Uh, but you see, uh, I was waylaid At the Vatican, waiting to see the Pope.
Oh.
In that case, you will forgive him, Ernesto, huh? If your advertising is as imaginative as your excuses, then the House of Baldoni will do very well in America.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, well, please, come on in.
Thank you.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Baldoni, this is my wife, Samantha.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
How do you do? It is a pleasure.
Hi, Sam.
And our maid, Vanessa.
[.]
Hello, Vanessa.
Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you.
May I fix our guest a cocktail? Martini for me.
I will have a glass of water.
I'll have a martini with a twist of legs.
Lemon.
I've never seen such beautiful hazel eyes.
They're brown.
They're green.
They are hazel.
Come on, I'll prove it to you.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Stephens, but does your maid come with the villa? Uh, not really.
She's a friend of the family.
I would rather have Lucrezia Borgia as a friend.
They're definitely hazel.
Brown.
They're green and stop crowding her.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Uh, call me if If one of them suggests playing spin the bottle.
Spin the bottle? Just an American joke.
I think.
Hello? Si.
Si.
Signor Baldoni, it's for you.
Oh.
Scusi.
[.]
Sweetheart.
Grazie.
Hello.
Oh, yes, Guido.
What? H-how? Why was I not informed sooner? [INDISTINCT SPEECH.]
I appreciate it, Guido.
This is fantastic.
What has happened, Ernesto? That was Guido Compapasso.
See, he is the Director of the National Museum, and I am on the board of trustees.
He has just informed me that the statue of Venus, the Galafedgio Venus, has been stolen in broad daylight.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
MR.
BALDONI: It is the crime of the century.
Uh, w-w-would you all excuse me, please? Crimes of the century give me a headache.
[.]
Mother.
Mother.
I know who Vanessa is, and you know who Vanessa is, and I want Vanessa like Vanessa was, and I want it now.
[.]
"Patience is its own reward.
Remember, Mother knows best.
" What Mother knows best is how to cause a lot of trouble.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sam, what's wrong with you? We have guests.
I know.
And we also have a maid who happens to be the crime of the century.
Hm? Venus.
The goddess of love.
The one we saw at the museum this afternoon.
Mother zapped her into human form.
Are you sure? It's a wise daughter who knows her own mother.
If she has that effect on me, what about Larry and? And Mr.
Baldoni? Oh [.]
MRS.
BALDONI: Ernesto, what do you think you are doing? I am only reading her palm.
In a minute you'll be reading the back of my hand.
Why is she fooling around with him, if I'm supposed to be her pigeon? Fooling around is her business.
Is there any way you can put her out of business? Maybe.
A quick trip to Rome.
Sweetheart, you go down there and try to keep everything under control.
Uh, including yourself.
Ciao.
[.]
Though of marble you be carved For a woman you are starved.
So back you go To flesh and sinew.
The fairest of them all Will win you [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
Oh.
Ha-ha! Forget it, Adonis.
I am not the fairest of them all.
Well, you will do until something better comes along.
Something better is waiting for you at my villa.
Well, I guess I'll have to get you into some decent clothes.
Who are you? A matchmaker.
And have I got a match for you.
Of course, as the House of Baldoni's goodwill ambassador, you will have an unlimited expense account in the finest hotels in Europe.
And, uh, every once in a while, I might join you in Zurich or Paris.
Yes, of course.
After you have come out of the hospital.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Baldoni, but I have Vanessa under exclusive contract as a maid.
Besides, Vanessa, you wouldn't want to break up a happy marriage.
Oh.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
However, my marriage could stand a little breaking.
How would you like to be my private secretary? Larry, does she look like a private secretary to you? Well, she looks more like a private secretary than she does a maid.
Well, I don't care what she looks like, I saw her first.
Hi.
[.]
Oh, Adonis.
Venus.
What did they call each other? Venus and Adonis.
Pet names.
This is Alberto, Mr.
and Mrs.
Baldoni, my husband Darrin and his business associate Larry Tate.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Baldoni, I'd like you to meet Alber to.
Alberto.
Alberto.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]
What a beautiful young man you are.
I have never seen such eyes.
What color are they? ALBERTO: What is your favorite color, signora? Black.
And they are black.
Like the velvet night.
Isabella, you are making a fool of yourself.
Me? And what about you, you old goat? Who are you calling an old goat? Me.
She was looking at me when she said that.
You're right, signora.
The pretty faces turn my head.
I should be ashamed of myself.
Sam, why don't you take the lovebirds out in the garden so they can have a little more privacy? Right.
Uh, come on, you crazy kids.
[.]
[WHISPERING.]
Mother.
Mother.
It's now or never.
Please.
Pretty please? I'm so sorry for the delay, darling.
Shh.
But I was waiting for Esmeralda to return.
Mother, never mind.
We have to get those statues back where they belong.
Oh? They seem to be very happy where they are.
Mother, that's Adonis.
I got him to run a little pass interference for Darrin.
Copycats.
Okay, okay.
Okay, fun and games are over.
Break it up, you two, we have to send you back.
[.]
All right, Mother, together now.
BOTH: One, two and three.
Mother.
Oh, Mother, we can't send them back like that.
Why not? I think it's sweet.
What are people gonna say when they see those two statues holding hands? Nothing.
What's one more miracle in the enchanted city of Rome? Ciao.
[MOUTHED SPEECH.]
[.]
[.]
Where are Venus and what's-his-name? Adonis and what's-her-name are back in the museum.
[SIGHS.]
You gotta admit, that goddess was some goddess.
And you are to be congratulated for putting up what little struggle you put up to resist her.
Well, it wasn't easy.
For a while there, it was, uh, touch-and-go.
Touch what and go where? Sam.
Well? [.]
[.]