Black-ish (2014) s08e05 Episode Script

1 The American Dream says work hard, pay your dues, and anything you ever want can be yours.
Unless you're Black.
To get even a tiny drop of that respect we deserve, Black people have to be the best.
No, the greatest.
And because we have to be great, that excellence oozes through everything we do how we walk, how we talk, and especially how we look.
We don't have a choice.
Our path to the American Dream is so narrow that one perceived slip brings out the haters.
Serena was on her way to winning another French Open, but all they could talk about was her catsuit.
Barack Obama went three racks in his closet, and everyone lost their minds.
So, as always, Black people gotta do even more than we already do.
That's why the Johnsons always bring it.
- Time for a freshness check.
- Okay.
So, Adidas top and sweats, and I even got the socks.
Okay.
No notes.
You are my favorite.
Get outta here.
These shoes don't drop for another month.
Don't listen to what I just told him.
- You're my favorite.
- All right.
Whoa! Whoa! Do you think you're leaving this house looking like you've been rolling around in flour all day?! Don't you move.
You stay right there.
Unh-unh! Did you really think you were gonna leave this house with them fire-startin' legs? What you think this is, huh? Mnh-mnh.
I ain't the one.
Devante, I ain't the one.
What are you doing? He thinks I'm the one, Bow.
I ain't the one.
- Come here, boy.
- Okay.
Oh Like I'm gonna let this little boy's knees undo all of Dr.
King's work.
You are presentable.
Beat it.
Unh! I get it, Dre.
He's ashy.
But don't you think you went a little bit overboard there? I'm having flashbacks to when you shaved Jack's head because his lineup was off.
There's no such thing as overreacting when your family's honor is at stake.
What my baby talkin' about? Our family honor? This one was gonna let Devante go to school ashy.
- Oh, Lord.
- Dre, that's not what I said.
She tryin' to get that baby snatched up by Black CPS! Mm-hmm.
What's Black CPS? Black Child Protective Services! Okay.
That's That's not a thing.
Oh, it's a thing.
They guard our kids against Black parents who ain't got no damn sense.
- Okay.
- You.
Snatched up that Baxter boy when Dre was 7 'cause he always had crusty eyes and chapped lips.
That didn't happen.
You better believe it happened.
Swooped in like the feds with that, uh, Elián González and placed him with a family of witnesses on the good side of the 10 Freeway! Uh, thank you so Thank you so much, Ruby.
- Ashy.
- Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, no.
She's right.
Is she? Yea I'm talking about Devante knowing he should never leave this house looking like a little Dennis Rodman.
Well, I think you need to be a little less worried about Devante's legs and a little bit more worried about the things you say to him.
- The things I say to him? - Yeah.
I'm talking no different than how I talk to all of our kids.
What we learned about parenting has evolved since we had Zoey.
It is very important for us to stay up on what's new.
Just last week, I heard a podcast where they shared new research - Mm-hmm.
- saying that the words we use have meaning, including the positive ones.
So when we say to our kids, "Oh, you're so smart, you're so pretty, you're so strong," they think that they have no value if they are not those things.
Well, what makes a child valuable? Because they don't have no money.
Okay, well, I just don't want us to give our kids a complex.
We're four for four, Bow! Zoey went to college, Junior has a job, Diane takes all honor classes, and Jack Jack used the can opener the other day.
I'm not worried.
You know what? Fine, Dre.
Forget I said anything.
- I already have.
- Okay, great.
- I love you so much.
Bye-bye.
- Love you, too.
Wow.
I'm impressed with the whole routine they have here.
When I was in school, any old pervert could walk on campus.
Oh, no.
It used to be like that over here, too, before we found out Coach Weeks wasn't a gym teacher.
Whoa! Wha You guys have Picture Day tomorrow?! See, this is the kind of stuff that should be in the calendar.
Yep, and I know exactly what my look is gonna be.
Bookish beauty who turns heads just by taking off her glasses.
Mm.
Diane, that's just some dumb movie trope.
You Oh, my God! You're stunning! - Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
What about you, Jack? What do you got planned? Oh, I'm just gonna hit it with my classic the "bless 'em.
" Okay.
Are you sure you want to go with that, Jack? Your high-school yearbook photo is one of your top-four lifetime photos of all time! - Yeah.
- It's right up there with your driver's license, your passport, and your wedding photo.
And my personal favorite mugshot.
Look at these baby waves.
I'm not pressed.
I got this.
Okay, no, Jack, this is not a joke.
This picture will follow you forever.
In mine, there was a weird shadow on my chest, and everybody thought I was stuffing my bra.
They called me "Crinkle Cups" every day after that for three years.
It's how they announced me at graduation.
Wow.
Yeah.
Uh, thank you, Olivia.
I-I guess it is a big photo.
- It is, yeah.
- I said that.
- Yeah, but you're unreliable.
- Yeah, seriously, though.
Shouldn't you be at work right now? - Get out.
- Get a job, bro.
I got a job.
- Disappointed.
- Don't play with my bag.
That's a hundred.
Wow.
I did not think you were gonna do it.
And all for just $44.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, this might be a bad time to ask, but I actually need to borrow exactly $44.
Hey.
What's going on, fellas? Check this out.
Bow thinks the way I talk to Devante is gonna mess him up.
- Mm.
- Well, you named him Devante.
Uh, that doomed him to ride the bus.
But lookit.
So what? You know, he's had trauma in his life.
Big deal.
Trauma actually makes kids better, okay? Look at Kawhi Leonard, Prince Harry, Batman.
Don't forget about Simba.
I had an uncle just like that.
He tried to kill me a gang of times.
Yeah.
Dre, think about all the great men we'd miss out on if they didn't go through trauma as kids.
I haven't traumatized him, okay? I'm just telling him like it is, and if I come off blunt, no big deal, all right? Kids are resilient.
I completely agree.
It is a father's duty to be direct, - to prepare them for the world.
- Mm! It's all this touchy-feely crap that the moms tell 'em.
That's what screws 'em up.
Yeah, like, uh, "Someone will love you for who you are.
" "Bullies are just jealous of you.
" "No one's gonna make fun of your tail, Josh.
" You had a tail? - That tracks.
- Hey, Dre? - Mm? - Freak here is right.
The real world needs real talk.
Exactly.
If I didn't give it to him raw, I wouldn't be doing my job as a loving, present Black father.
That's right.
My Black father was very present.
Gave me notes on everything how to chew my food, my handwriting, how to snore how weird my nipples look through my shirts.
By pointing out my flaws, it made me a better person.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is that why you wear vests all the time? Because of your weird nipples? Fashion choice only.
Okay, guys, thank you for your input, and my children will not be developing any weird complexes.
They know that I love them all and I'm coming from a good place.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some real work to do.
You can see them through my hands? Here's the thing I know I'm a good dad.
I'm teaching my children the right lessons, and that's why they're just fine.
Kids! Come get this fancy-ass pizza that's not as good but more expensive than Pizza Hut! I'm ashy, Daddy.
I don't want to be ashy.
Oh, man.
I broke my kid.
What the hell? Police, police, police! - Okay! - Black CPS.
Where's the child you broke? We're taking you with us to La Jolla.
You'll be safe there.
Bye, Daddy.
But you didn't see him, man! Every time he took a step, his knees ignited a fire! It's his mama's fault! Okay, buddy.
I tried to fight it, but Bow was right.
I gave our kids a complex.
Why do you have that guilty face? What did you do? I think I broke our baby, Bow.
He was putting lotion on like a redhead on a beach! The whole room smelled like a Bath & Body Works.
Oh, Dre Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre.
It seems as if your drive to be the best dad ever has skidded on the lotion of your bad decisions.
I told you this would happen.
Words have consequences! Two years of saying "pee in the toilet," and this is what sticks? Ah, I think I messed up one of our kids.
Mnh.
One of your kids? Come on, big guy.
All of us need therapy.
What are you talking about? You're fine, boy.
I can't even play games 'cause you told me the only point of competition is to wipe the floor with the blood of your enemies.
And? He breaks out into hives before game night.
See, Dre? Words are very powerful.
But now that you're ready to evolve, I I have the perfect podcast for you.
A child is like a boat, and a parent is like a gentle breeze.
Those are just my thoughts.
Thoughts from a doctor.
I'm Dr.
Rainbow Johnson.
Thank you for listening to "Bow Knows Parenting" with Dr.
Rainbow Johnson, MD.
Okay.
Well, that did not record.
I didn't mean to mess up my kid.
I guess I just got to figure out a way to fix this.
No, no! Let the expert handle Devante.
You just try not to cause any more damage, all right? Yeah.
I'm gonna go save my my kid.
Okay, look.
I know this looks bad, but if we learned anything from the Michael Jordan documentary, it's that there's a price for greatness.
Oh, no.
Here come the hives.
Okay Look.
Please don't stop on my account.
I am very entertained.
I've been here for hours, but I can't figure out what I'm gonna do for this school picture.
Nothing I'm trying is gonna make an impression that'll stand the test of time.
Look, look.
Pew, pew, pew! See? Forgettable.
Bro, you are missing the forest for the trees, man.
It's about the whole look and the vibe you bring into it.
Okay, um, what's my vibe right now? "Grown man who watches children's movies alone.
" I'm gonna blow this.
Look.
Don't you worry, friend.
I've got your back.
So, Diane had gotten her hooks into Jack, and it was going to be a test of whether I could keep myself from doing lasting damage to my kids.
Because this this was not it.
Look at you.
See, Diane's made me realize that the way to make a lasting impression is to channel those NBA greats.
If my classmates are gonna remember me for anything, it's gonna be that I pulled off the Full Westbrook.
Wait.
Ah.
Can't forget my timepiece.
It makes the fit.
Yes, it does.
Thanks for your help.
The pleasure was truly all mine.
What? While I succeeded at biting my tongue, Bow tried to clean up my mess with Devante.
Hi, sweetheart.
Look at that nice truck! Vroom, vroom, vroom! So, honey, I wanted to talk to you about how crazy Daddy was yesterday.
He was so crazy, right? Talking about all that lotion stuff? My God, I wish I could say he's gonna be better, but we both know he's not.
So honey, I just want to make sure you know that there's nothing wrong with your skin.
You're so strong and so handsome and Wait a minute.
Okay, the podcast said do not focus on beauty or he is going to become an egomaniac.
I got this.
Devante you are so smart.
Goop said compliments are the new smoking.
Okay.
Honey I just want you to understand that you you are my special little boy but not so special or so handsome or so smart that you're gonna you're gonna become a sociopath, so Do you understand? Oh, my God.
No.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no.
Okay.
Um No, please don't cry! Please don't cry! Okay.
It's okay.
Sweetheart, it's fine.
Listen.
Come here.
Vroom! Vroom! Look at this truck! This is my favorite truck! Vroom, vroom! Do you want ice cream for dinner, honey? Oh, look at you! You look beautiful, baby.
I killed Picture Day.
See, without my glasses, people saw a whole new Diane Johnson.
See, Miguel Juarez did a double take when I walked by like a beer commercial, and his girlfriend was maaad.
That feeling never gets old, you know.
The other day, I started a fight between a couple at the fruit stand.
Oh.
Ho! That's what you wore for Picture Day? Yeah.
Isn't it dope? What you think, Grandma? Well, what I think is, um I'm gonna buy a dozen yearbooks and pass 'em out to all my friends.
Well, you got to let me autograph 'em before you pass 'em out.
All right, now.
Mm-hmm.
You cannot be okay with that.
Well, you know, he's just expressing himself.
He looks like he's expressing himself right into clown college! You know, I think I have a connect on the yearbook committee.
Maybe I can get the photo wiped? How you gonna have your son out in the streets looking like that? Why didn't you talk some sense into that boy? I'm trying to watch how I talk to our kids because I'm afraid I'm messing them up.
What you talking about? Those kids are fine.
Are they? Because I don't know that.
Warning Devante not to be ashy probably gave him nightmares.
And if I tell him to work hard, is he gonna get obsessive? And if I tell him work isn't everything, is he gonna get lazy? And if I tell him to keep his chin up, is he gonna get plastic surgery and end up looking like Michael Jackson?! Hey, hey, now.
Come on.
Ain't no sense in getting all emotional, pumpkin.
I'm not emotional! Yes, you are.
Now, you the man of this house.
You got to keep your emotions in check! Just like I've been telling you since you were a kid! You're right, Mama.
I'll keep my emotions in check.
'Course I'm right.
You go on over there and make yourself a snack or somethin'.
And if you're gonna cry, you go somewhere where them kids won't hear you! Yes, ma'am.
I'll cry quietly.
Dre? Dre! What are you doing? My mom said I shouldn't cry in front of the babies.
I guess our kids aren't the only ones that are affected by something that their parents have said to them.
Yeah.
Well At least I fixed Devante.
No, I didn't.
I blew it! I blew it big-time! I want cake.
There's more under the sink! - Really? - Yeah.
Chocolate, strawberry.
- Babe.
- Yeah? Do you think I've been using these secret cakes as a way to soothe myself as I'm trying to control the natural emotions I'm pushing down? Well, Dre, when Junior dropped out of college, you gave the bakery half of your paycheck every month, so, you know Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what all that was.
You know, I'm just now starting to realize that it was a lot of pressure growing up in a house where I was told to check my emotions because I was the man of the house.
Ugh.
That's a lot of responsibility on a child.
- Yeah, but get this.
- Hmm? I understand why she was telling me that.
Why? She was doing her best to prepare me for the world that I was in.
Hmm.
But still I always had a voice in my head making me feel bad every time I got emotional.
And today I realized that voice was my mama.
- Dre.
- Hmm? We are gonna be the voice in our child's head.
So what are we gonna do about it? I do not know.
You know, if if we're gonna fail no matter what Mm-hmm.
do we just lean into it? I-I don't know.
- A abandon them? - No, Dre.
That's still illegal.
Okay, so we just live with the fact knowing we're gonna be the voice in their heads influencing them towards every good and bad decision that they'll ever make.
Yes, I think so.
Mm! You know, I I have my parents' voices in my head, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- But they're super positive.
They were constantly telling me over and over and over and over again how smart I was, you know? But it made me believe that the way to make people happy is to achieve.
Mm.
Oh.
That's why I'm always telling people that I'm a doctor! Ha ha! Yeah! It's the voice in my head! Ah.
Well, maybe now that you realize it, you'll stop.
No.
I'm not hurting anybody.
No, you're just killing them.
I am not killing people, Dre.
There's, like, one a year.
And I don't kill them.
They just die.
It's not my fault.
Oh, wow.
Jack, I am really sorry.
What? Did you make me eat something that's not food again? No, somebody from the yearbook committee leaked your photos.
They're everywhere.
Really? - - Oh, no, yo.
They made you a meme.
Gimme that.
This is dope! - Wait.
What?! - Wait.
What?! I'm being shared everywhere.
I got to make merch and an Instagram where I can localize all the posts.
Oh, my God.
I could be an NFT.
I'm gonna be a legend! We do not deserve him.
I've got to figure out how to screw him out of that NFT money.
I'm not perfect.
I'm going to make mistakes.
But knowing those mistakes will become voices in his head makes the stakes feel too high.
All I'm saying is we can be imperfect together on the path to getting better.
All right? You get me, son? - I love you, Daddy.
- Oh.
But as long as one of those voices is me saying I love you, too, Devante.
I've done my job as a parent.
Okay.
Go get ready.
I love you, too, Dad.
Don't you have your own place? When that meme first dropped, I thought it would die down in a few days.
But before I knew it, it took on a life of its own.
I was getting offers left and right.
My face was on billboards, they let me dance at the Puppy Bowl halftime show, and I became the co-host of a new "Soul Train" with a hologram Don Cornelius.
The meme became so popular that I sold my life rights to the highest corporate bidder.
That's how I became a trillionaire.
And that's also how you guys got your names, Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew.
Anyway, let's take that warp-speed jet to visit Aunt Diane and Uncle Michael B.
Jordan.
Come on.