Dad's Army (1968) s08e05 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? -What are you doing, Wilson? -I'm just tidying up the sand bags, sir.
-Well, don't leave it on my desk like that.
-So sorry, sir.
I beg your pardon.
-Oh -Look what you're doing.
I'm so sorry, sir.
-Spilling sand all over the floor.
-No, it's not easy.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-What is it, Pike? -Mr Jones is outside, in the bank.
-Yes? Well, he's paid in his takings, -you know, ?1 5 six and fourpence.
-Yes.
But he's presented this cheque for ?3 two and six.
-Ask him to come in, will you please? -Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
-Perhaps I ought to go, sir.
-No, it's a rather delicate matter this.
I want you to stay here.
Stay where you are.
-Yes, you're right, sir.
-Only don't make that crunching noise.
What? Terribly sorry, sir.
There's sand, you see, all over the floor.
-Well, stand somewhere else.
-You asked me to stay where I was.
-Look, stand over there, will you? -Right, right.
-Mr Jones.
-Yes? No.
(WHISPERING) Good morning, Jones.
-Morning, Mr Wilson.
-Morning.
-Morning, Captain Mainwaring.
-Will you bring Mr Jones' statement, please? Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
-Sit down, Jones.
-There you are, Jonesy.
There you are, good man.
Now, Jones, this cheque you've just presented for ?3 two and six.
Yes, sir.
It's my staff wages for the week, you see.
I know it's a lot of money.
But you got to pay staff well these days otherwise you can't keep them.
Yes.
-Well, I'm sorry.
I can't cash it.
-Why not? Insufficient funds.
Well, can't you get some more? No, no, no, you don't understand.
You, you have not got sufficient funds to meet the cheque.
Well, give me back my ?1 5 six and fourpence I just put in.
No, I can't do that.
As you say, you've just paid it in.
Well, I want it back.
It's my money.
The only way you could get it back would be by making a cheque out.
All right then, I'll make a cheque out.
No, no, no, I can't cash it.
You've insufficient funds.
Well, I don't understand.
Look, didn't you receive a letter from the bank? -What bank? -This bank.
Here we are.
Mr Jones' statement.
-I brought your coffee in as well, Mr Mainwaring.
-Oh, thank you, thank you.
-There.
Oh, and the cheque stubs.
-Ah, yes.
Yes.
(SAND CRUNCHING) Don't crunch about back there.
I can't help crunching about.
There's sand on the floor, isn't there? -Well, sweep it up.
-Why should I have to sweep the sand up? Whoever put the sand on the floor should sweep the sand up, not me.
Pike.
Pike, Pike! JONES: Here, here.
Hang on a minute.
I did get the letter from the bank on Tuesday.
Why didn't you open it? Well, I meant to open it and then I got an urgent load of offal in, you see, sir.
You've got to concentrate when you get an urgent load of offal.
I'll just have a look at it now.
Well, you needn't bother.
I can tell you what's in it.
Oh, you can't do that, Mr Mainwaring.
If this is a letter from the bank, it's addressed to me as private.
Jones, I wrote it.
Just a minute.
What are we doing? What's happening here? Pike, what are you doing? Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
I'll put you back.
Oh! You stupid boy.
The point is, Jones, that for the last few months you've had an overdraft of ?50.
And it's not getting any less.
And I Well, I just can't let it go on any longer.
Well, look here, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm sorry to retiterate myself, but what about the ?1 5 six and four that I just put in? Well, yes.
But this cheque that you paid to the United Meat Supply has just been presented.
So that takes care of that.
-That's right, isn't it, Pike? -Huh? Oh, hang on.
(MURMURING CALCULATIONS) So, you see, Jones we have a problem.
We'll just go through these cheques, Wilson.
-Yes, all right, sir.
Yes.
Right.
-Right.
Ooh That's a very nice cup of coffee.
Thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you.
I bet the Germans are not drinking coffee like this, eh? What's that stuff they drink, you call? Ersatz coffee.
It's made out of acorns.
And we're drinking good stuff like this.
Oh, well.
That's what we're fighting for.
-Very good, you can take that away now, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you.
Must've been the brown sugar that made it taste so nice.
Brown sugar? Now (PIKE LAUGHING) How that boy ever got his school certificate, I'll never know.
Now, what's the first cheque, Wilson? It's rather difficult to read, sir.
It's got a brown stain on it, you see.
That's a liver stain.
-How do you explain that? -Well, liver always leaves a brown stain.
-Now, look.
Can you pay back this ?50 overdraft? -No.
-Have you any sort of security? -No.
Well, you're rapidly becoming insolvent.
What are you going to do about it? Well, I suppose I could keep the cheques away from the meat.
Oh, no, no, no! I'm not talking about liver stains.
Look, Jones.
I'm sorry.
But until this ?50 overdraft is paid off, the bank can no longer honour your cheques.
-You couldn't do that to me, Mr Mainwaring.
-It's not I who is doing it to you.
It's the bank.
And I'm merely the servant of the bank, to carry out the policy of the bank.
-Isn't that so, Wilson? -That's so, sir.
Yes, merely the servant.
And now if you'll excuse me, I'm very busy, Jones.
Oh, well, thank you for being very helpful.
Yes, thank you, sir.
I'll just go home and I'll have a bit of a think.
That's right.
I'll go back to me shop and I'll have a think.
Yes.
Dear, oh dear.
Aren't you Aren't you being a little bit harsh on him, sir? -Don't think I enjoy that sort of thing, do you? -I've really no idea.
Look, if I let him have an overdraft without security, everybody will say it's simply because he's a member of my platoon.
But all the same, it would be a terrible thing if poor old Jonesy were to go bankrupt.
I realise that.
What can I do? You know, sir everyday I walk up the High Street to work and as I pass those little shops a nice friendly, warm atmosphere seems to come wafting out.
I mean, even from that dreadful fellow Hodges' greengrocer's.
And then I you know, I stroll along a little bit further and I pass Frazer's funeral parlour.
And then before I cross the road to come to the bank there's Jones' butcher's shop.
White tiles all gleaming and shining.
And old Jones there.
Standing there with his straw hat on and wearing his striped apron, and giving me a cheery wave.
And you know, sir, it sort of, I don't know, it sort of sets me up for the day.
I feel it's my town, you see.
Yes.
-You know, I envy you, Wilson.
-In what way, sir? I wish I could afford to be sentimental.
But I take your point.
And as soon as the bank's closed, we'll go over to Jones' shop -and see if we can sort this mess out.
-Awfully nice of you, sir.
I'm not a hard man really, you know.
It's just that some men are born to be leaders some men are born to be led.
And I wish that, like you, I had time for the simple things in life.
Unfortunately, I have to bear the whole burden.
That reminds me, it's Tuesday, isn't it? -Tuesday? -Rock cakes.
Rock cakes! Today's the day they have rock cakes at the Marigold Tea Rooms.
-Good heavens, I better go over there at once.
-Good thinking.
-There won't be any left.
-Off you go, quickly as you can.
I'll talk to Jones.
-All right, sir.
-Order two coffees and two rock cakes.
Right, sir, yes.
-And Wilson.
-Yes, sir? -Don't take the one with all the fruit.
-All right.
Follow the whIte lIne all the way LeadIng from the Rose and Crown (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, Mr Mainwaring.
It's very nice of you to come round personally.
When I left your bank this morning, I was a broken man.
When I got your telephone call, I knew I wasn't alone in my trouble.
Well, we'll do the best we can for you, Jones.
And we're a pretty formidable team.
We have the whole financial genius of my bank here.
Don't suck your thumb, boy.
-Now, where do you keep your books? -Right, sir, over here in the cash desk, sir.
-There we are.
In here, sir.
-Ah, yes.
I'll just go in there.
-I'm trying to get out, aren't I? -Back, back, back.
-Come on, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
Coming.
-Oh, get out, Wilson.
Get out.
-What? It isn't easy, you know.
MAINWARING: Now, what's all this stuff? What's this? Oh, that's Mrs Johnson's cardigan, sir.
'Cause when I open the cold room door, there's a nasty draught.
-You can put it on if you like.
-No, thanks.
-Oh, here you are.
-That's Mrs Johnson's knitting.
-Yes, and this.
-That's Mrs Johnson's bismuth tablets.
-Right, sir, I'll leave you to get on with it, then.
-All right.
-Jones, Jones.
I say, Jones.
-Yes, sir.
Jones, where Where are you, sir? -Jones.
-Yes, sir.
What, sir? Look, Jones.
Where are you? -Look, Jones.
What's this thing? Get it off me.
-That's Mrs Johnson's fly paper, sir.
She's a highly hygienic lady, is Mrs Johnson.
You got to be hygienic when you work in a butcher's shop, you know, sir.
-Get it off, Pike, will you? -Yes, Mr Mainwaring, all right.
-Hang on.
A bit of water.
-Not with that! I'll cut it off.
(HACKING) Get your books and things out of there.
Spread them on the counter so that I can sort them out, will you? Pike! Pike! I'll stop that out of your wages.
I want the invoice book, I want the ledger, I want the cash book, I want the day book.
-And I want the post book.
-Right, here it is.
-Is this all you've got? -Well, there's several pages in there, sir.
-What's this? -Oh, sorry.
That's a mistake.
-Bring the rest out here.
-Yes, very good, sir.
In all my years as a bank manager, I've never seen such slapdash methods.
Well, it seems to work all right, sir.
It balances out all right.
Yes, yes.
That's not the point, is it? That's not the proper way to do it.
Here we are, sir.
Here we are, that's the lot.
All right, now, let's see.
-You go through these, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
-You go through these, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Yeah, Jonesy, here.
Look, this cheque here.
It's dated 1 491 .
Oh, sorry.
That's a mistake.
I meant to write 1 941 .
I was in a bit of a tizz that day.
-You must've been.
-Don't (MAINWARING SIGHING) -What are these figures? -Oh, the usual pounds, shillings and pence, sir.
No, no, no.
These little men on the back of the cheque stubs.
Oh, that must be Raymond, the boy.
Yes, that's right.
Boys get up to all sorts of larks, you know.
Look at that.
Let's have a look, Mr Jones.
Hey, look, Mr Mainwaring.
This is how it works, see.
Get hold of it like that, this little man, flick them over, see, and he's running along.
He jumps over the fence.
He lands on the ground.
-It's good, isn't it, Uncle Arthur? -Awfully good, yes.
-He's running along, and he jumps over -Oh, give it to me, Pike.
This isn't a game.
Now, there's only one thing to do, I shall have to take all this home and do a proper audit.
Find something for me to put them in, will you, Jones? I'll get you a nice carrier bag, sir.
Oh, don't worry, Mr Jones.
Look there's a box here, put them in that.
Get rid of that.
Those are my meat coupons.
I spent hours and hours sorting those out.
You stupid boy.
SIng soldIer as you march along SIng Mr Mainwaring's been very helpful, you know, but I'm still worried to death.
He says I'm insolvent.
He's taken all my books away, he's going to do a complete auditit.
Are you mad? Letting Mainwaring poke his nose into your affairs.
Once that bank's got their hands on you, they'll squeeze you and squeeze you.
You're doomed.
Doomed.
Good Lord, you're back late, sir.
Yes, I've only just finished going through Jones' accounts.
-He really is in the most terrible mess.
-Yes? And I still can't find that ?50.
-Better have him in here.
-All right, sir.
I'll go and give him a shout.
Just a minute.
No, I don't want the rest of the platoon to know.
We must be very discreet about this.
I'll go and get him.
Just run through that statement, will you, that I've drawn up.
All right, sir.
(WHISPERING) Pardon? (WHISPERING) If it's about you making him bankrupt, we know.
Permission to be suggestive, sir.
Do you think all my friends could come in the office, too? They might be able to help.
Well, yes, all right.
Very well.
-Come on.
-Come on.
-I'm leaving you in charge, Private Sponge.
-Sir.
Don't interrupt me unless something absolutely vital happens.
-What sort of vital, sir? -Oh, like the arrival of the tea.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
Excuse me.
I'm Mr Swann.
I keep the grocer's shop in the High Street.
-Mr what? -Mr Swann.
-Oh, yes.
-I keep the grocer's shop in the High Street.
I tried to reach you at the bank today.
I must speak to you, it's very important.
Well, what is it? Well, not in front of all these people.
It's very embarrassing.
Oh, you'll have to pull yourself together.
I've got a very important meeting in here, excuse me.
Well, it's embarrassing to him, not to me.
I'll be as brief as possible.
I've made out a balance sheet.
And Wilson will give you the facts.
Seems to me, Jonesy, that your business is just about ticking over, you see.
And that's all.
The only snag being the ?50 overdraft that you owe to the bank.
So, we shall just all have to rally round and see how best to help you.
Now, for the purposes of this discussion, I shall be wearing three hats.
One as your commanding officer, one as your bank manager and one as your friend.
Heaven help us.
Excuse me, sir.
Which sort of a hat will you be wearing as his friend? It's a It's a hypothetical hat, Godfrey.
Now, the first thing to do is examine your assets.
Captain Mainwaring, are you now wearing your commanding officer's hat, -your bank manager's hat or your friendly hat? -The bank manager's hat.
Oh, well just as long as we know, sir.
It's a bit confusing if you're not actually wearing the hat, you see, sir.
Shall I run along to your house and pick up your bowler? Be quiet, Pike, or I'll send you home.
-Read out the assets, Wilson.
-First of all, there's the van.
-Yes.
-MAINWARING: I should say ?1 0 for that.
WILSON: Right.
FRAZER: No, man, hold on.
If you sell Jones' van, the platoon will have no transport.
Ah, that's very true.
Yes, all right.
We'll buy the van from him.
-Put it down at ?9.
-Right, sir.
?9.
If you do that, Captain Mainwaring, I shan't have any business left.
Look, I'm trying to help you, Jones.
I'm speaking as your friend.
Well, you don't sound very friendly.
-What do you suggest? -Well, I don't know, Captain Mainwaring.
But I can't bring myself to squeeze those orphans.
-Squeeze the orphans? -Yes, sir.
You see, I supply meat to the orphanage and I haven't had any bills paid for three months.
Look, there's exactly ?50 worth.
Oh, really.
This is the limit.
I've spent hours of my precious time trying to find that ?50 and you're walking about with the bills in your pocket? Yeah, well, I know I should have told you, but I can't think of those poor little orphans starving.
They haven't got any mothers or fathers, you know.
I'm aware of what an orphan is, Jones.
Sir, the vicar's a trustee at the orphanage.
Perhaps he could help.
Is he? That's a good idea.
Go and get him, Pike.
-He won't like being disturbed this time of night.
-Nonsense, it's only 9:30, go and get him.
All right, be it on your head.
I don't mind.
Captain Mainwaring, I do hope this matter that you want to discuss with me about the orphanage is really important.
I strongly object to being dragged out of my bed in the middle of the night.
Middle of the -It isn't even dark yet, Vicar.
-That's got nothing to do with it.
One hour before 1 2:00 is worth two after.
That's right.
His Reverence must have his eight hours.
Just a minute.
What's he doing here? I don't want him poking his nose into my business.
-He's a troublemaker.
-I am not a troublemaker.
I'm here in my capacity.
Mr Yeatman is a treasurer to the orphanage.
He assists me in every way.
The point is, Vicar, that Mr Jones is in severe financial trouble.
Because the orphanage has not paid his meat bills for several months, he's owed ?50.
It's not my fault, it's Miss Twelvetrees.
-Miss Twelvetrees? -I haven't had a cheque from her for five months.
This a very delicate situation for me, Miss Twelvetrees, but I understand that you're in the habit of donating a cheque to the orphanage every month.
But for the last few months they've received nothing.
That's right, Mr Mainwaring.
You see, I own a small shop in the High Street.
And I donate the ?1 0 a month rent to the orphanage.
But for the past five months I have received nothing.
So you're owed ?50? -You've asked for the rent, of course? -Oh, yes.
Several times.
But my tenant is such a nice, kind, religious man.
I don't want to push him too hard.
You see, he's so very, very poor.
What's this I hear about you being so very, very poor? Well, I am poor.
Very poor, indeed.
What about this ?50 rent you owe to Miss Twelvetrees? (STAMMERING) I just got a wee bit behind, that's all.
I had the ?50 ready to give her, to pay her.
But I lent it to somebody else.
-To whom? -Mind your own business! Don't go poking your nose in my affairs.
You're not squeezing me like you did old Jonesy.
That's all, see you on parade.
I've never seen such a web of intrigue in all my life.
But I intend to get to the bottom of it if it's the last thing I do.
Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, it's extremely good of you all to turn up this afternoon like this.
And I'm quite sure that Captain Mainwaring won't keep you too long.
What's all the mystery? Well, Captain Mainwaring will make it quite clear when he arrives.
Yeah, well, he better hurry up.
I haven't got all day, you know.
-I'm on duty in half an hour.
-All right, all right.
-Hey, Uncle Arthur.
-Yes.
Mr Mainwaring found out what's happened to that ?50 yet? As a matter of fact, I think he has.
-Exciting, isn't it? -Yes, frightfully exciting.
It's just like that film, isn't it? Yeah, CharlIe Chan InvestIgates.
Don't you remember? There were all these guests in a country house for the weekend and one of them gets murdered.
Well, at the end of the film, Charlie Chan gets them all in a big drawing room, round a table like this, and he says, (IN A CHINESE ACCENT) ''One of you is a murderer.
''Very soon I shall reveal the identity.
'' Hey.
Hey, do you think Mr Mainwaring will do it like a Chinaman? Don't be silly, Frank, please.
-Ah, so.
-See, see.
Well, it's very good of you to come, ladies and gentlemen.
Won't keep you long.
He's just said all that, Napoleon.
Get on with it.
Very well, I'll come to the point.
Yesterday, Mr Jones informed me that he could not pay the ?50 overdraft back to the bank because he, in turn, was owed it by the vicar.
The vicar was unable to pay because it was owed to him by Miss Twelvetrees.
Miss Twelvetrees could not pay because she was waiting for it to come from Frazer.
And you, Frazer, had already lent it to somebody else.
-That somebody else was you, Godfrey.
-Oh, dear.
Godfrey then, in turn, lent it to Sergeant Wilson.
Is all this necessary? I mean, it really is frightfully embarrassing.
There's no need to be ashamed of it, any of you.
I mean, you all acted with the best possible motives.
Now the point is, what did Sergeant Wilson want the money for? And this brings me to the missing factor, X.
Which is you, Hodges.
What are you talking about, Mainwaring? I intend to show that by your greed and profiteering, you are responsible for this whole miserable affair.
Oh, very clever, Mainwaring.
And just how do you intend to prove it? I knew it.
-I knew Hodges'd turn out to be the murderer.
-Keep quiet, Frank, please.
Come in, Mrs Pike.
Mum? -Take a seat, please.
-Thank you, Captain Mainwaring.
-What's she doing here? -You'll find out soon enough.
Now then, Mrs Pike, would you mind repeating what you told me a little while ago? Well, Mr Hodges there is my landlord.
And about a year ago, he told me that he was going to increase the rent on my house from ?1 a week to ?2! Well, of course, I told him I couldn't possibly afford it.
But he said not to worry about it.
I could owe it to him.
But then last week, he asked me to go for a drink with him to the Red Lion.
And he told me that I owed him ?50 back rent, but that he'd forget all about it if I was nice to him.
MAINWARING: Swine.
Would you excuse me, just for a moment, sir? Would you mind awfully standing up? All right, sir.
You can carry on when you like.
You're mad.
That's criminal assault that is! -WILSON: Shut up.
-I'll sue you.
I'll have you for every penny! Oh, be quiet, Hodges.
-Making such a fuss about a little tap like that.
-Little tap? Carry on please, Mrs Pike.
Oh, then I just told Arthur, I mean Sergeant Wilson, that I needed ?50 for the back rent.
If I were you, Hodges, I'd give that ?50 back to Mrs Pike.
You'd no right to put up the rent and you know you hadn't.
I'll do nothing of the sort.
It's my property and I'll charge what I want for it.
Oh, no you won't.
I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce.
And they'll throw you out on your ear.
And as a member of the Chamber of Commerce, I second that.
-And I third it.
-You're not a shopkeeper, shut up.
All right, I'll pay it back.
Go on, then, give it to Mum now.
Go on, go on.
Look, I don't carry ?50 in cash around with me.
There's ?50 here.
All you have to do is give me a cheque for it.
-I haven't got a cheque.
-I have.
And I've made it out cash to your account.
All you have to do is sign it.
You mingy blue beard.
You can sneer.
But I've admired Mrs Pike for years.
She won't even look at me, treats me like dirt.
Just 'cause she's besotted with him! Hit him again, Uncle Arthur.
Yes, would you care to have another one? -No.
-Well, just get on with it, then.
Here's the ?50.
Here you are, Mavis.
Sorry, Mrs Pike.
-There you are, Arthur.
-Mavis, thank you.
-Thank you for everything.
-All right, all right, Mavis.
-There you are my dear fellow, Godfrey.
-Thank you.
-And thank you, Mr Frazer.
-Don't mention it.
Yours, dear madam.
Oh, thank you, Mr Frazer.
You're such a good, honest, religious man.
-There you are, Mr Farthing.
-Well, thank you, Miss Twelvetrees.
There you are Mr Jones, your ?50.
Just a minute, Your Reverence, I'm the treasurer.
It's my job to give the money to Mr Jones.
There you are, Mr Jones.
Here you are, Captain Mainwaring, sir.
-Now we're all square.
-Thank you, Jones.
I must speak to you, Mr Mainwaring.
Remember me? Swann the grocer.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
What is it? Well, it's a bit embarrassing in front of all these people.
Your trouble is you're too sensitive.
Come on, spit it out.
Well, I'd prefer that we would go somewhere a little more private.
Oh, come along.
Be a man.
Tell me, tell me.
Well, all right, then.
Your wife hasn't paid her grocery bill for six months.
It comes to ?49 1 7 shillings and sixpence.
And I want it now! Now, how much have you got there? -?50.
-?50.
Thank you.
Here's a half pound change.
I'll send you the receipt, good afternoon.
Here, I say.
Just a moment.
Just a minute, that money belongs to the bank.
Don't worry, sir.
Give yourself a loan.
Treat yourself to an overdraft.
I say, stop! Stop!