Friends s08e05 Episode Script

This one's rare.
This one's medium.
Go! Hey, Phoebe! How was dinner?! Dinner was good! Just saying hi! Now I'm gonna go! - Well, hello there.
- Hi.
I didn't see this on the menu.
This is Tim, my new sous chef.
- So you're Monica's boss? - No, she's my boss.
- "Sous" is French for "under.
" - I "sous-stand.
" Tim, I need a caesar salad.
And could you get me the pesto? - You made pesto? - Yes, I did.
Would you say your pesto is the best-o? I don't know.
I would say it's pretty good-o.
I still need the salad.
- Great necklace.
- I made it.
- You are so talented.
- Well, it's no pesto.
Let's just cut to the chase.
You're both single.
He gets off at 11.
Call her.
I'll give him your number if I could just get a caesar salad! I did not yell.
I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
The One With Rachel's Date mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 - Wow, Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
- You know me, sir.
How can I get around the computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn? You're a joker, Bing.
What's funny about that? - Sorry I kept you waiting so long.
- Where do you wanna go? I think you know.
- The Hard Rock Cafe? - Yeah.
- Again? - Yeah.
- I'm telling you, I like the food.
- You like the "Purple Rain" display.
- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, Toby.
Have a good night.
- Did that guy just call you Toby? - Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
- Why don't you correct him? - It's been way too long now.
The first time, I didn't say anything.
The next time he said, "Toby, want a doughnut?" And I wanted the doughnut.
Five years later, the doughnut's gone and I'm still Toby.
- Chandler, you have to tell him.
- That would be so awkward.
We don't work together.
He's on the sixth floor.
So he calls me Toby once in a while.
It's not like he's calling me Muriel.
Muriel.
Why would he call you Muriel? Oh, my God.
Chandler "M.
" Bing.
It's not just an "M.
" Your middle name is Muriel! It is a family name.
Chandler Muriel Bing.
Your parents never even gave you a chance, did they? Drake, I've discovered the reason for your memory loss.
Your brain transplant wasn't successful.
Your body's rejecting Jessica's brain.
Is it serious? Not if we extract tissue from the original body and synthesize antibodies to stop you from rejecting the brain.
That sounds simple enough.
Let's just do that.
We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica's body it was gone.
Cut.
Very nice, people.
I'll change and we can go.
- What happened to Jessica's body? - You'll have to see it on TV.
- You don't know, do you? - Couldn't care less.
- Good scene, man.
- You too.
What? You weren't in it.
Kash, this is my friend Rachel.
Rachel, Kash.
- Hi.
- Why haven't I seen you here before? Joey just thinks I'll embarrass him.
He thinks I'm a soap opera nut.
Which I'm not.
I'm not.
Although, I do know your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan.
And your dog's name is Wally.
- Look, I'm just stroking your arm.
- Let's go! Bye, Kash.
Say hi to Wally.
- Monica.
- Hi.
I had the best time with Tim last night.
He is so sweet.
I can't wait to get "sous-neath" him.
- I have to fire him.
- Why? He's terrible.
He's slow.
He burns things.
He lit my pastry chef on fire.
He was nervous.
You can be intimidating.
And your pastry chef can stand to be taken down a peg.
Well, now she has no eyebrows.
Mission accomplished.
But Monica, he loves his job so much.
Can't you just give him another chance, please? All right.
But if he lights someone else on fire, he's gone.
That's fair.
Thank you so much.
Looks like he got you a little bit too.
I paid to have this done.
Love it! Hey.
You know, Kash really liked you.
He thought you were charming.
- I thought I was an idiot.
- I'm with you.
- He asked if you'd go out with him.
- I think I'm gonna throw up a little.
- What did you say? - "No.
" What? I figured since you're pregnant, you're not gonna be seeing people.
First of all, Kash Ford? Not people.
Did you tell him I was pregnant? No.
I didn't know if you told people.
This was when Kash was still "people.
" - Good.
Just have him call me.
- I don't think that's Go do it or I'll come back to that set.
I'll meet more actors.
- Hey, Bob.
- How's my pal Toby doing today? If I see him, I'll ask.
Was that Bob from six you were just talking to? - Yeah.
- You know him? We're on a semi-first-name basis.
- What about adding him to our team? - Bob? Working here with us? Every day? I don't know if he has what it takes.
- They love him down on six.
- But this is 11.
It's almost twice as hard up here.
- Okay, Bob will stay put.
- I think it's best, sir.
We do need to find somebody.
I've got a stack of documents this high.
Just toss them in the shredder and claim you never got them.
That's a good one, Bing.
What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here? I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go.
I called the chef who recommended him to me.
He said, "Ha, ha! Gotcha!" - But don't fire him today.
- Why? - Because I'm dumping him today.
- You said he was sweet.
He's too sweet.
He calls me all the time.
"Did you get home okay?" "Was your shower okay?" - Don't pick up the phone.
- Then he comes over! "I was worried.
" Be a man! So I can't fire him? And dump him the same day? He'll kill himself.
- Go out with him for another week.
- Are you kidding? I'll kill myself.
Then he'll just have to deal with it.
Okay.
But who's gonna go first? Whoever goes second is the bitch.
- What? - Fire a guy that's just been dumped? Bitch! And dump a guy that's just been fired? Blond bitch! I wanted to do this days ago, so I think I should go first.
All right, that makes sense.
But screw you! I'm going first! Toby, you got a sec? I wanted to get transferred up here, but it's not gonna happen.
Apparently somebody thinks I'm not "11 th-floor material.
" Say, who the hell is this Chandler? What's the best excuse for why I'm not drinking? "I'm a recovering alcoholic," "I'm a Mormon" or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk"? What do you want to do tonight? There's a powerful Ukrainian film playing.
Interested? No.
But I'll go see a normal-person movie with you.
- Rach, you wanna come? - I can't.
I've got a date.
- A date? - Yeah.
Why, is that weird for you? Why, no.
It's the opposite of weird.
It's regular.
It's mundane.
It's actually a little dull.
It's no Ukrainian film.
Earrings! - She's got a date? With who? - I set her up with this actor.
- You set her up? - No.
- What were you thinking? - That it was okay because you two haven't dated in years.
I'm worried about my baby.
Whoever she dates, my baby dates.
- Where is this "actor" taking them? - Hey! I'm an "actor" too.
They're taking the ferry to a place on Staten Island.
My baby's going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are? Aren't we talking about those big boats that go really slow? Why not just jump out of an airplane or burn each other with matches? - Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Kash.
Ross, this is Kash.
Hey, I hear you're going on a ferry tonight.
Bit of a daredevil, are we? Do you guys think this is too slutty? Hi, Kash.
- Hey, Rachel.
You ready to go? - Yeah.
See you guys later.
Have a great time, you guys.
And yes, it is too slutty! I'm glad you called.
I feel like I'm always calling you.
What's up? Is everything okay with Phoebe? It will be in a minute.
- Tim, you're a really great guy.
- That's because I'm with you.
It's just, I'm in a place in my life right now where So sorry.
"This just in.
" It's the restaurant.
Monica needs me.
No, she doesn't! I know what that is.
You can stay.
I'll miss you too, Pheebs.
And I will be holding you right here.
What movie do you wanna see? And not one I have to read.
I get that from books.
- Books? - Okay, car magazines, cereal boxes but it's enough! Let's not see a movie.
We'll just stay here and hang.
- Just wait for Rachel to come back? - Hey, if that's what you wanna do.
Dude, what is going on? - I have to find out how it went.
- Why? - He could be my baby's stepfather.
- One date and they're getting married? He's not you! I can't believe she's dating! - What did you think she was gonna do? - I don't know.
- I can't believe this is happening.
- What do you mean? I thought when I had another kid, it'd be different.
I love Ben.
But every time I drop him off at Carol and Susan's it breaks my heart a little.
I've always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed my kid comes running in, leaps up on the bed and we all read the paper.
Maybe fight over the science section.
- That's nice.
You can still have that.
- No.
Rachel's out with some guy.
My baby went with her.
If anything, that picture keeps moving further away.
Hey, can I ask you something? In this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel? It used to be.
Now she doesn't really have a face.
Smokin' body, though.
Good call.
But the face, Ross, the face isn't Rachel.
No.
But how much easier would it be if it were? That's not what she wants.
I know.
And I can't force myself to fall in love with her.
Ross, maybe you need a new picture.
It won't be what you thought.
But no matter what there's gonna be a brand-new little baby.
Your baby.
Who cares what the picture looks like? Let's you and me go out and have some fun.
Whatever you want.
Come on.
- We can catch that Ukrainian film.
- No, I said fun.
- Hey, Toby? - Hey, Bobby.
It's Bob, actually.
You work up here.
Where's Chandler Bing's office? Yeah, it's right Right there.
Let me ask you, why? I wanna talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.
I'm the reason you didn't get the job.
- Toby, don't.
- Bob.
Toby, I'm not gonna let you cover for him.
Anything you say will just get me more upset with Chandler.
That puts me in a difficult position.
- Is everything okay? - That depends.
- How are you and Phoebe? - Great.
Thanks for introducing us.
My pleasure.
Okay, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
- Phoebe! - Monica! - You're fired! - I'm breaking up with you! I'm breaking up with you.
- You're fired.
- Why? I'm sorry.
I'm not ready for a relationship right now.
I'm sorry too.
But I like things done a certain way.
- The chemistry's just not right.
- The chemistry thing for us too.
Wow.
Okay.
I realize I came on a little strong.
It's because I think you're amazing.
I wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity.
You're the most talented chef I've ever worked for.
Anyway - Tim, wait.
- Yeah? I spoke too quickly.
There's a learning curve with this job.
Maybe we could try it again.
Thank you so much.
I know I can be better.
And Tim, I just want to say good luck here.
- Hello.
- Hi.
How was the date? I'm alone and I just bought $ 15 worth of candy bars.
What do you think? - What happened? - I told him I was pregnant.
- He didn't take it so well? - Well, better than you.
- But still not what you want.
- Oh? Yeah.
He got all weird and sputtery.
Then he said: "I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch.
" - He sounds swell.
- Doesn't he? You want a little cheering up? Sit down.
Guess whose middle name is Muriel? Chandler M.
Bing.
Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry about your date.
- It's all right.
I guess I'm just done with the dating thing.
Just one more thing in my life that's completely different.
- This is hard.
- Yeah, I know.
On the other hand, in seven months you're gonna have something that you're gonna love more than any guy you've ever gone out with.
Just wait.
Wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger.
You have no idea.
Thanks, sweetie.
- You wanna grab some coffee? - No.
I'm gonna go eat 10 candy bars.
- I thought I cheered you up.
- You did.
There are 20 in here.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Ross? Hey, it's Mona.
From the wedding.
- Oh, hi! - Hi.
- How are you? - I'm good, except you owe me a dance.
That's right.
Well, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film? Oh, you're serious.
Sure.
Great.
Well - I think I need another cup of coffee.
- Sure, let me get it for you.
Bob? Bob! - What the hell are you doing? - This is Chandler's office.
Come on, Toby.
Give me a hand!