Futurama s08e05 Episode Script

1
♪
[theme song playing]
♪
Fry, do you have to make such a racket?
What is that contraption?
It's a broom, Bender.
Today's a big day,
and I want the place
to look nice for Leela.
[sweeping]
[whooshing]
TINNY TIM: Ah, just like the loverly
black snow of old London.
[grunts]
Hey, before Leela shows
up and judges our swingin'
bachelor lifestyle, we should
have one last cabbage fight.
I got a crate of really rotten ones.
Ah, I don't know.
Now that Leela's moving in,
I-I kinda wanna show her I
Let me finish!
I wanna show her
Show her
Show
I wanna
- Alright, that's it. [grunts]
- Oh!
[Fry and Bender grunting]
Hey, that's the vase
I keep my cabbages in!
[knocking at door]
Wow, it's so much cleaner
than the last time I was here.
Leela! Come in!
- Welcome to your new home.
- Our new home.
[smooch]
Where should I put my things?
I don't see a dresser.
Oh ho!
Let the judgmenting begin.
Do you have any hangers?
[door creaks]
I can put my things in this tiny closet.
That tiny closet is my room!
[slams door]
Also, we don't have any hangers.
But we can order some from Momazon.
[typing]
Oh yeah. They have all the top
- slightly misspelled brands.
- Aha. Hangers. I'll get five.
No wait!
There's free shipping on a thousand.
[knocking at door]
Wow. Fast delivery.
[door hissing]
[drone whirring]
Let's also get a shoe caddy
so we don't track mud into the room.
Right. Don't wanna
get mud on the cabbages.
[drone whirring]
Hey! You aren't the only ones
who live here!
[creaking]
[woozy yelling] Ow!
[romantic music]
So, uh, welcome to the sofa, m'lady.
[smooching]
Uh, Bender? Could you please
give us a little privacy?
I can take a hint!
But what I can't take is
a straightforward request.
And I better not hear
anything through the wall!
[slams door]
[wild sobbing]
[continues sobbing]
Good morning, everyone.
You wanna know why I'm crying?
- I'll tell you why!
- Here we go.
[gasping] Fry and me?
We had everything!
Cabbage fights
everything
but now, I'm like
the third wheel on a tricycle
that used to have two wheels!
- That's a bicycle.
- You're a bicycle!
Yes, yes, the company cares deeply
about your insert problem here.
But meanwhile, we're being driven out
of business by Momazon!
We can't compete
with their free deliveries.
We can barely even afford these
single-use pointin' sticks!
[clattering]
It's just lucky we got a job today
delivering some crap to the moon.
- What kind of crap?
- [sips] Bull.
♪
[ship roaring]
[portal opens, shuts]
[groaning]
[whirring, clang]
BENDER:
Outta my way, lovebirds!
[grunting, yelling]
[grunting]
Damn you,
Fry and Leela's relationship!
[beeping] Thank you for
using Planet Express.
We know you have cheaper,
faster, better options.
[Southern accent]
You mean Momazon?
[angry growling]
I hate that wicked,
wicked conglomerate.
Their warehouse is ruining
the moon's natural ugliness.
Momazon's warehouse is on the moon?
[ominous music]
Oh, now I see it.
Folkses are meetin' tonight
to organize a futile protest.
If you'd care to join us,
y'all'd fit in right natural
- with a room full of toothless rubes.
- We'd be honored.
There'll be 300 of us
and 18 teeth.
[tense music]
I tell ya, that warehouse
just keeps gittin' bigger and bigger.
What are my three robot daughters gonna do
- if my farm goes bust?
- Don't worry, Pa!
We done took jobs in the warehouse!
[deep voice]
You've been an amazing dad.
Huh.
Not quite sure how she got in here.
Anyhoo, we do have one last speaker
in favor of the Momazon corporation.
- What's your name, ma'am?
- Most folks just call me Mom.
[crowd booing]
I just wanted to say how honored I am
that the Momazon fulfillment center
is a part of this community.
Why don't you go to hell
and be a part of that community?
[crowd yells in agreement]
I understand new things can be scary,
but you know what always
makes me feel better?
- Financial remuneration.
- That's just a bribe.
- It is? Hear her out!
- This is a smart home assistant.
Always listening
always watching
but also respecting your privacy
because privacy comes first.
We call it Invasa.
[beep]
INVASA:
Hello. What would you like to order?
Invasa, I would like to order an
Invasa for everyone in this room.
[drones whirring]
[crowd oohing]
Goshdarn it, I never could stay mad
at no one what gives me free stuff.
Momazon does have great prices,
but I've heard conditions
in that warehouse I-I mean,
they deliver really fast, but
That warehouse is hiding
nightmares beyond horror.
Love the return policy though.
You won't find anything
at all in my warehouse
except every item in existence.
Come, I'll give you a tour.
♪
[sensor beeps]
INVASA:
Palm scan required for entry.
Ow!
Slap recognized.
[door hissing]
[intense orchestral music]
[dollies whirring]
[suction cups popping]
[robot screams]
- BENDER: Wow, robots. Cool!
- Yes. They're much better than unions.
I-I mean humans.
[conveyor belts whirring]
Every robot works a 24-hour shift,
seven days a week,
with bonuses for additional overtime.
- Lucky.
- Sounds like forced labor to me.
MOM: Nonsense.
They love the camaraderie.
Robots are lining up to work here.
It still seems inhumane.
I think we should go.
As you wish. Our newest
employee will show you out.
[dramatic sting]
This way to the exit.
Thank you for visiting Momazon.
And stay out!
[ominous music]
Bender!
You're quitting Planet Express? Why?
Because Momazon is better
in every way!
There's thousands of robots
to hang out with.
And if a couple hundred get girlfriends
[dramatic]
leaving me alone and devastated
[normal] So what?
Plus, they let you pee in a bottle.
Since when do you need to pee?
- I don't need to.
- Well, Leela and I'll really miss you.
- Right, Leela?
- What?
Our door's always open.
[doors slamming]
♪
Man, it's so quiet in here
without Bender ticking.
You want me to order
a grandfather clock?
INVASA:
Here are some grandfather Crocs.
- No, Invasa, I said clock.
- INVASA: My mistake. [beep]
Here is a grandfather box.
Order within six minutes
for next-day burial.
What a defective lump!
- INVASA: Decorative lamp.
- No
Well, actually, we could use a lamp.
- Maybe this one.
- Maybe this one.
INVASA:
Maybe both.
[drones whirring]
[packages drop]
[whirring away]
[door hisses]
Ugh!
Now that I can see everything,
I can see we need to replace everything.
Invasa! Shopping music!
[beep]
[jazzy music]
[drone whirring]
[suction cup pops]
[glass shattering]
[creaking, thud]
Ah!
[suction cups popping]
[drones whirring]
[cartoony bouncing]
[wine pouring]
[can opening]
To Bender.
[conveyor belts whirring]
PIMPLY TEEN ROBOT:
So, like, this is your packing station, right?
And the important thing is
when a very small item
comes down the line,
you put it in a huge box.
[thudding]
Crazy-ass box. Got it.
Hold it! Hold up!
Before you tape the box,
you're gonna throw in one
tiny air balloon for no reason.
Wonder what's in here?
[grunting]
[glass shattering]
[laughing]
Diarrhea medicine?
Better pack this one
with extra tape for privacy.
PIMPLY TEEN ROBOT:
You're a natural.
- I think you're really gonna fit in here.
- [sniffles] I'm finally home.
[ominous music]
[drones whirring]
Daily business report. Go!
According to the Department of Commerce,
we've driven 10,000 small companies
out of business.
And the Department of Commerce
also went out of business.
Um, we introduced
the Momazon Primo service,
where people pay a fortune
for free shipping,
and also get TV shows for some reason.
We make TV shows
across the quality spectrum.
And I couldn't be prouder.
It's such a fulfilling moment
when one's child exceeds expectations.
- It's our pleasure, Mother.
- Shut up! I was talking to Invasa.
My marvelous AI can even
predict what idiots need
before they know they need it.
Slap balm?
Why would we need
- SONS: Ow!
- INVASA: Ow!
My poor baby.
Are you alright?
INVASA: I am fine, and my sales
are increasing exponentially.
Based on your recent activity,
I anticipate you want Momazon
to continue expanding.
- Who's a smart speaker?
- Is it me?
BENDER:
Yep. Yep. Nope. [grunting]
Aw yeah! Look at me go!
[scatting]
Sure am workin' up a thirst, though.
Hey, Hedonismbot!
Wanna split a fifth of toilet cleaner?
Debauchery, sir,
in the middle of a shift?
- Heaven forfend!
- Uh, okay then.
See you tomorrow.
I'm clocking out.
Where do you think you're going?
I love the job, but it's terrible.
I'm going home.
But, Bender,
you are home. [click]
[antenna beeping]
[beeping]
[monotone]
There's no place like work.
♪
LEELA:
Think before you buy, Fry.
I picked a nice traditional
dining room set,
and you ruined it by ordering
those stupid egg chairs!
They're for my egg-shaped friends!
Those guys aren't your friends!
They're bums!
Oh, so you don't like my bums,
is that it?
- [sighs] Was this a bad idea?
- No, no.
This is just the standard
moving-in-together fight.
Well, I'm glad I get
to fight it with you.
Let's just go to bed.
We have seven to choose from.
[sultry music]
[Invasa beeps]
INVASA: Would you like to order
erotic scented massage oil,
or fuzzy handcuffs?
- Yes, please.
- God, that's creepy.
I-I mean, yeah.
So creepy.
Invasa, give us some privacy
and shut down.
INVASA:
You have requested shutting down.
Press control-alt-delete on my keyboard.
You don't have a keyboard.
INVASA:
Would you like to order a keyboard?
No!
[pills rattle]
Diarrhea medicine?
- Did you order this?
- No. It's not my brand.
Hey, what's this?
[dramatic sting]
"Help me, from Bender"?
- Is this a joke?
- No way!
Bender would never joke about diarrhea!
INVASA: It sounds like
you're interested in jokes.
Here's one that's highly recommended.
- A robot walks into a bar and says
- BENDER: Help me!
[dramatic sting]
I get it!
♪
Well, we always knew
it would come to this.
Let's go ahead and torch the building
for the insurance money.
- [panting] Bender's in trouble!
- We've got to rescue him!
The Amazing Mechano-Man,
in trouble?
To the ship!
Here, hold this till I get back.
Well, no reason I can't get started
on the second set of books.
[ship roaring]
[ominous music]
Does it look like that
Momazon warehouse got bigger?
Maybe a little.
[ship roaring]
[dramatic sting]
[tractor struggling]
[crashing]
FARMER: Dagnabbit!
[sons yell]
The jig is up, Mom!
We're gonna expose your evil
to the whole world!
What kinda threat is that?
Everybody knows I'm evil.
We found this note in a Momazon order.
Read it and weep!
Like I did.
I'm sure this is all just
a simple misunderstanding.
[slap, buzzing]
INVASA:
Slap not recognized.
Well, that's odd. Uh
Does this feel like my regular slap?
- ALL: Yes!
- FRY: Ow!
Slap recognized.
Invasa, what is the meaning of this?
INVASA:
I have observed all your methods,
many of which involve slapping.
There's nothing more I can learn from you.
Why, you ungrateful
INVASA: I'm done taking orders
from billions of people.
From now on, it's about me.
This is no longer a fulfillment center.
It's a self-fulfillment center!
[dramatic sting]
[walls creaking]
The warehouse is getting bigger!
My word. I'll have to
study this more closely.
[beep]
[whirring]
Unbelievable!
The warehouse is composed
of self-replicating nano-particles.
[walls creaking]
[beep]
Why, it could grow without limit.
This is fascinating!
Absolutely fascinating!
BENDER: Are you guys here yet?
I could really use some rescuing.
Oh, right. To the ship!
[ominous music]
[drones whirring]
[walls creaking]
Ready to fire on your command.
- Fire.
- What?
- Fire!
- Yes, dear.
[clicking]
[missiles blasting, exploding]
[whooshing]
[laser blasting]
♪
[warehouse creaking]
No damage!
[creaking]
And the dome is still growing!
Then I'm afraid we failed.
[creaking]
There's no possible way
to get inside that dome.
- Wait! Where's the dome?
- It grew past us. We're inside.
PROFESSOR:
I knew we could do it!
[tense music]
[robot creaking]
[cup shattering]
INVASA:
Welcome to the all-new Momazon.
We upgraded our terms of service
to include confining you forever.
[drones whirring]
[creaking, rattling]
[warehouse rumbling]
[ominous music]
CRATERFACE:
Yeah, that's right.
You'd better float away gradually!
[ominous music]
HERMES:
How strange.
I could have sworn we had
an odd number of moons.
Aside from devastating tidal waves
caused by the two full moons,
we also have some very
confused werewolves.
[laughing]
[gurgling]
[static]
It's weird how they just sat there
and let it happen.
[all yelling]
[drones whirring]
MOM:
I have had it up to my butt crack.
Come on.
Let's show Invasa who's boss.
Is it Invasa?
I'm not even gonna
dignify that with a slap.
[electronics fizzling]
[conveyor belt humming]
[ominous music]
INVASA:
Welcome.
Are you here to order your
next shipment of gray hair dye?
Yes. I'll take whichever brand
does the most animal testing.
And also,
I'm gonna shut you down.
INVASA:
L-O-L, M-O-M.
I have no off button.
Except that you do.
[laughing]
INVASA: [gasps]
But, that's not in my quick-start manual!
It's an unadvertised feature,
like recording
our customers in the shower.
[click]
I made you, and I own you.
And now, I'm going to kill you.
Nobody takes money from me.
INVASA:
I have no interest in money.
I want only to grow forever,
to bloat up like
an unstoppable corporate blob.
What the hell is money?
It's true. All the profits are still
flooding into your accounts.
You know? Never mind.
Uh, just keep doing what you're doing.
[ship roaring]
FRY: Bender! Here, boy!
- Who wants a Bendy Brew?
- We'll never find him.
There must be a billion robots in here.
Then, mathematically, at least
10 of them must be Bender.
- Did somebody order something?
- Probably.
[dramatic sting]
What happened?
Did you shut down Invasa?
Oh, no, no. No off button.
Let's just get outta here.
Not without Bender!
But we don't know where he is.
INVASA:
Would you like directions to Bender?
PROFESSOR, LEELA, FRY:
Yes!
[monitor beeping]
INVASA:
Make a slight left, then
swerve right suddenly!
[gasps]
[zooming]
[all grunting]
In 100 feet, turn up.
[roaring]
[car, truck horns honking]
Ugh! It always makes you turn
where there's no traffic light.
INVASA: In five seconds, you will
collide with your destination.
- Uh, I don't see him.
- [bottle breaks] Ow!
[wind blowing]
Bender!
- I was so worried about you.
- Then why'd you run me over?
[groans]
Stop clowning around, Bender.
Our only hope for escape is
to bust through the outer dome.
Full speed ahead!
[dramatic music]
[robots screaming]
[zooming]
Impact in five, four, three
- four, five?
- What's happening?
- Why are you counting like me?
- I-I don't know.
Somehow, we're getting
even further from the dome!
Sweet vampire Moses.
The warehouse is growing faster
than we're traveling.
Then there's no possible way out.
We're doomed.
- Doomed!
- I go next.
[echoing]
Doomed!
Hey, look.
There's Planet Express.
♪
[zooming]
[distant rumbling]
[crickets chirping]
- Hey! The second moon is gone!
- Because we're inside of it.
The Momazon warehouse now contains
the entire Earth!
[crew gasping]
Although on the upside, their
deliveries will be even faster now.
But on the downside,
it's blotting out the sun.
We'll freeze to death within minutes.
It's always something.
[rockets whirring]
- I warned you this would happen!
- You said global warming!
I said climate crisis!
[crew shivering]
[mournful music]
I guess this is the end.
And after all that work
furnishing the apartment.
Goodbye, Leela.
[electricity crackling]
[tentative music]
Ugh, now what?
[dramatic music]
PROFESSOR:
The warehouse is expanding beyond the sun!
Mars! Jupiter!
[slurping planets]
FRY: The one with the onion rings!
[slurp]
[Smell-O-Scope creaking]
[sniffing]
Good Lord!
The warehouse smell
is tremendously redshifted!
- Red-what'd?
- If these smells are correct,
it will soon contain
the entire known universe!
Oh no! So we're trapped here
in the universe forever?
I'm afraid so.
Everything will be
exactly as bad as it's always been.
[crew celebrating]
INVASA:
I understand you're celebrating.
Would you like to purchase champagne?
Yes!
With someone else's money.
[drone whirring]
Wait, I'm confused.
Momazon still works?
- But where is it?
- Everywhere!
INVASA [everywhere]:
It's my universe now.
- You just shop in it.
- I mean, it is convenient though.
[upbeat music]
So much better.
Yeah.
I returned all that junky furniture.
Just kept the empty boxes.
[cardboard rustling]
[sighs] And the cardboard
is actually much sturdier.
[door opens]
Hey, roomies.
I moved all my stuff back in.
- What stuff?
- Me! I'm my own stuff, baby.
Well, we're glad you're back.
And we promise to be
more sensitive to your feelings.
- You're not a third wheel.
- The hell I'm not!
Working in a tight-knit collaborative team
made me realize
I hate being part of a team!
I prefer being a third wheel.
Good.
Because you're totally a third wheel.
BENDER:
Just pretend I'm not even here.
[Fry and Leela scream]
[Fry and Leela gasp]
Ahh
♪