It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e05 Episode Script

Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! Right, my lovely boys, move yourselves.
I want this camp looking smart, smart, smart.
But, Sergeant Major, the war's over.
We won't be here much longer.
Yes, it's all so pointless, Sergeant Major.
"It's all so pointless, Sergeant Major.
" Let me tell you, Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, the only difference between the British army and all that other military rabble is whitewash.
It keeps you busy and it keeps your quarters hygienic.
Quarters I can understand but why do we have to whitewash the trees outside? Because by the nature of things, jungles is untidy.
And like everything else in the British army, they has to be made to toe the line.
I always remember a picture we had at home.
It was the Duke of Wellington winning the Battle of Waterloo.
There was them British troops covered in pipe clay, which is what they used before they had modern inventions like whitewash.
And them French troops cowering and looking scruffy and smelling of garlic.
If it was a picture, how could you tell they were smelling of garlic? Because the Duke had an expression on his face like there was a nasty smell up his nose, which is precisely what you is giving me at this moment, Gunner Sugden, so keep whitening that palm tree.
- Where do you want the rocks? - What's the matter with you two? Oh! We've just carried this lot half a mile from the river.
Tip 'em out, tip 'em out.
Mm.
Yeah.
They're not round enough.
Take 'em back, get some more.
Just a minute! Who did this? I did it, Sergeant Major.
Well, can't you see it's not level? Another inch, Sugden.
Oh, dear.
Your finger's all white.
Get out of it! - All ready, Sergeant Major? - Ready in a moment, sir.
Why are you wearing shorts, Ashwood? The Brigadier always takes the mickey out of your knobbly knees.
- You know how it upsets you.
- I shall be ready for him this time.
If he calls me Sparrow Legs I shall call him Winnie the Pooh Tum.
- Have you packed your pyjamas? - No, why? After that remark, you could end up under close arrest.
- I never thought of that.
I'll change.
- There isn't time.
All ready, sir.
Now hear this.
We will be back from GHQ at 1400 hours.
While we is gone, you will spend the time weeding.
How do we know which is flowers and which is weeds, Sergeant Major? Everything in the jungle is weeds.
- Right, carry on, chaps.
- Yes, carry on.
Right, move those stones, get brushing.
I was this place gleaming, gleaming, gleaming.
Come on, Lofty, give it plenty.
Gloria, Gloria, they've gone.
Relax, everybody.
Tea break.
- Hurry up, Muhammad.
- Coming, sahib.
I have special treat today.
Victory cake.
This is appalling.
They're very nice buns, sahib.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was talking about the Sergeant Major.
Aye.
I thought things would be easier now the war's over but old Shut Up hasnae stopped once.
Double guards, kit layouts, PT, pickets.
It's understandable, I suppose.
His world's collapsed.
Now the war's over, it's all he's got to cling to.
It's the last twitchings of a dying beast.
How long do you think it'll be before we get our demob? Well, I've heard they're going to release up to group ten immediately.
- What group are you? - I'm group 35.
I think we're all about the same.
Well, I'm in no hurry to go home.
I hear the meat rations are only one and tuppence a week and two ounces of butter and four ounces of sugar.
Well, don't you want to get back to see your loved one? Not if she's got nothing to cook.
What I miss most is me mum's roast potatoes.
If I see another sweet potato, I'm gonna scream.
Aye.
I miss my mother's tattie scones.
The best thing my mum cooks is Yorkshire pudding.
We have it first up our way, don't we, Lofty? - Of course.
- First? What, do you mean instead of melon or hors d'oeuvre? How extraordinary.
If times are hard my mum serves it first instead of anything else.
(Sobbing) What's the matter, petal? I haven't got a mum.
Well, I expect you miss fish and chips, eh? Oh, yeah, I miss fish and chips.
When I get home, I'm going to buy myself two sixpenny pieces of cod and three whole penn'orth of chips all to myself.
Yeah, and a bottle of limeade to wash it down.
Won't that rather quarrel with the vinegar? Sahibs, what am I going to do when you have all gone home? - You'll go back to India, won't you? - But who will buy my tea? Well, there's bound to be someone to sell your tea to.
Old Shut Up won't go.
He loves it out here.
They'll probably have special camps full of Sergeant Majors who'll go round shouting at each other and whitewashing things.
Excuse me, sir.
Some of these people want to see man in charge.
Ask them what they want, Muhammad.
I'll do it, Gloria.
(Speaks Hindi) Jimmy? Our friend the linguist.
(Speaking in native language) Sahib, these people live here.
This person head man.
Now war is over, they have come back home.
Ah, well, that's too bad, Jimmy, because we're living here now, eh? So sling your hook, lalem? Scram! No vacancies.
Comprende? Erm, you all trespassers.
This, WD property.
King George.
Take a powder.
- No room.
Sheer off.
- Just a moment.
Can you all stop behaving like barbarians for one minute? Don't you realise? You're talking to human beings.
This is their home, we're the trespassers.
But if we let them in, we'll end up sleeping in the jungle.
I think Paders is right.
You can't let them sleep in the open air, not with girls and kids.
I've got an idea.
If this lot move in, they'll have to move us out, back to base, away from this rotten, stinking jungle.
And we'll sleep in decent beds.
We might even have flush toilets.
Yeah, just imagine.
Flush toilets! It's so long since I've seen one, I've forgot what they look like.
Ask them which one is their hut.
(Speak in native language) You're making a big mistake, Gloria.
Chuck 'em out now.
Sergeant Major's basha is their house, sahib.
Great, tell them to move in, make themselves at home.
No.
Old Shut Up'll go stark raving mad.
I mean, he'd kill us.
Hang about, fellas.
Why don't we tell them to wait until the officers get back.
Good idea.
Erm Would you mind waiting here until the Oops, sorry! The officers come back, you see? And then we will persuade them to let you stay.
- Won't we, fellas? - Oh, yes.
(Speaks in native language) He says you are a man of great kindness, Gloria sahib.
It shines from your eyes like the sun on a mountain top.
That's very nice.
Now, is there anything else? Yes, ask him, what time are they killing that goat? What do you think you're playing at, Johnny? - How dare you stop an army vehicle? - Excuse me, please, sir.
I have a puncture.
Will you give me a lift, please? Shove off, Johnny.
Don't talk to me as if I was some damn native.
I've merely asked a civil question.
Will you give me a lift? Give you a lift?! I should cocoa.
King's Regulations clearly state that the British army does not give lifts to civilians.
Oh, let me ask you a question.
Would you give me a lift if I was British? Well, if you was in uniform, yes.
Huh, that's only an excuse.
Would you give me a lift if I was a British civilian? If you was a British civilian, you would not be wearing that silly hat.
For your information, sir, all members of Congress Party wear this hat and I am damn proud of it.
How dare you insult my party hat? I am in a hurry.
Move that bicycle.
I am perfectly entitled to have my bicycle in the road if I wish, sir.
This is a public highway.
And I am perfectly entitled to push your face in.
Do you know who you're talking to, sir? My name is Kumar Puhara.
I am the chief foreign affairs correspondent of the world famous newspaper, the Calcutta Bugle.
Well, blow off.
How dare you touch my bicycle, sir? You damn British barbarian.
Let me tell you, sir, I represent the power of the press and the power of the press is not to be trifled with.
You will hear more about this, I promise you.
You damn British.
Why don't you go away and leave the rest of the world to get on in peace? Quit India! Do you hear me, sir? I said, quit India.
(Blows raspberry) 'Ey up, Gloria! Gloria! Gloria, he's back.
He's back! Quick, whitewash, whitewash.
(All whistle innocently) Haven't you finished that whitewashing, yet? What about all that weeding? Them stones is no Bombardier.
What's all that mess? People, Sergeant Major.
Sergeant Major, they're the villagers who used to live here.
- They've, erm, they've come back home.
- Him with the beard, he's your landlord.
Shut up and get them out! They're entitled to be here.
After all, it is their village.
"After all, it is their village.
" Let me tell you, Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, as long as that flag's at the top of that pole, this is our village, they is trespassing, you get 'em out.
Isn't that a bit cruel, Sergeant Major? They've got nowhere to go.
Do you hear that? This boy is all heart.
But you will find, Gunner Parkins, in real life, you has to be cruel to be kind.
You see, these people, by nature, is higorant and idle.
If we let them stay, they won't bother to build a nice new village for themselves, so I is doing them a favour.
Get out! Move yourselves, come on.
At the double, move yourselves! Come on, let's have you.
All natives out.
I said all natives out.
Come on.
Sergeant Major sahib! Don't you recognise me? - I'm the char wallah, I work here.
- Shut up.
I know you're the char wallah.
It's inhuman.
Old folks and kids can't sleep outside.
He's a cold-hearted monster.
And stay out! Bombardier, I want double guard on that gate.
(Banging) I said stay out.
Now shut up! (Ashwood) Would you mind opening the door, Sergeant Major? Terribly sorry, sir.
I thought you was natives.
What on earth's going on? Why are all those people out there? They're villagers, they used to live here.
I told them the village was requisitioned.
What about the old people and children? If we let one in, sir, there'll be no end to it.
- I mean, we could be swamped by them.
- It is their village.
- Have you explained our situation? - In detail, before I kicked them up the backside.
What will happen to them? Well, perhaps they've got an aunt or somebody they can go and stay with.
Yes.
You'd better call them in, Sergeant Major.
- Isn't this a dangerous precedent? - This is an order.
Very well.
Get them in, Bombardier.
Would you come this way, please? The Colonel will see you now.
(Speaks native language) How do you do? Lovely weather, isn't it? Do be quiet, Ashwood.
Now, who's in charge? This person head man, sahib.
Well, ask him if there's anyone he can stay with while we sort this out.
(Speaks native language) No one, sahib.
He said, this is their home and they want it back.
They're fed up.
When war start, the Japanese man come and say he will save them from British.
Then he takes all their food and tell them to go.
Then Japanese men run away and they return to village.
Then British man come and say he will save them from Japanese, then he takes all their food and tells them to go and come back when war is over.
Now war is over, they have come back home.
It's a problem.
What do you think, Ashwood? Well, sir, we could er We could er It's a tricky one, sir.
Well, tell them to wait outside while we think about it.
Er, would you mind waiting outside? Won't keep you a minute.
The way I see it, sir, this village has been requisitioned by some top high-up army official.
Now if we derequisitioned it over his head, we could end up in very hot water.
Besides which, we won't have nowhere to sleep.
- What do you think, Ashwood? - There's a lot of force in what he says.
We'll leave them where they are.
Radio GHQ and tell them what's happening.
Sir.
(Banging) Somebody else at the door.
Up and down, up and down.
There's never a minute's peace.
- Yes? - Oh, good afternoon.
May I speak with whoever is in charge, please? Follow me.
- Colonel Reynolds? - Yes? - Somebody here to see you.
- Hello.
Can I help you? I, sir, am Mr Kumar Puhara, foreign affairs correspondent from the Calcutta Bugle.
I have just been talking to those poor people.
Have you driven them from their homes? - We didn't drive them out.
What - Excuse me.
I am talking to the organ grinder.
I don't wish to have words with the monkey.
One more crack like that and I'll give you a punch on the nose.
You damn British, always going around offering violence and behaving in a totally uncivilised manner.
Be very careful, sir.
Everything you say to me will be read by millions.
I don't care about your rotten rag.
Publish and be damned! Steady on, Ashwood.
We haven't turned anybody out, have we? No, we haven't actually turned anybody out.
We asked them to wait, pending instructions.
And how long will they have to wait? Five minutes? Five years? In the meanwhile, old people and children are exposed to the elements.
I couldn't get through, sir, there was too much You? What are you doing here? Get out! Steady on, Sergeant Major.
He's a reporter.
Don't you bother with him, sir.
He's a trouble maker.
I will tell you how much of a trouble maker I am.
I will return later on today and if those poor people are not back in their houses, this whole sordid business will be exposed in every newspaper from Bombay to Singapore.
Goodbye.
Move it, Johnny.
I'll see him out.
Gosh, it's damn serious, Ashwood.
We could find ourselves in the middle of an international incident.
Get back on that radio and get through to GHQ.
- Sir.
- Now he's out of the way, drop that hint about his basha.
Old Shut Up'll kick up such a stink, they'll find somewhere else for us.
Precisely.
Excuse me, sir.
May we make a suggestion? - Yes, what is it? - Well, there's not many of them.
Why don't we let them have their little house back? Which is their house? - Is it the officers' basha? - No, sir.
Oh, a very good idea.
- It is yours? - No, it's not ours.
Is it, erm? Yes, sir.
I think perhaps you'd better tell the Sergeant Major, Ashwood.
- Wouldn't it be better coming from you? - No.
I won't tell him while he's busy on the wireless.
- Where do you want this? - You know where to put it, Nobby.
Sergeant Major, I am deeply grateful you volunteered to get out of your basha.
I did not volunteer, sir.
You would've done if you'd known all the circumstances and you've been instrumental in avoiding what could've been a very nasty international incident and I want to thank you personally.
- That's the lot, Sergeant Major.
- Just one thing, sir.
Where is I sleeping? Well, the Colonel and I have decided you can come in with us.
Thank you, sir.
Right, boys, move my gear into the officers' basha.
Er, half a minute.
When Captain Ashwood said "in with us", he didn't actually mean in with us.
Not in our bedroom.
We couldn't have that, could we? Oh, no, sir.
We couldn't have that.
You mean, on the veranda, sir? Well, in a way, yes.
Very nearly on the veranda.
Gunner Clark, put his things very nearly on the veranda.
(Shouting) Come on! Come on! You are home at last! Come on! What the hell do you think you're doing, Johnny? I am not talking to you, I am not even seeing you.
Colonel, these poor people were outside, so I asked them to come here.
- But there just isn't room! - Fellas, this is our chance.
If they move into our basha, as well as old Shut Up's, they'll find us somewhere else to go.
Do you know what you're doing, Gloria? Just leave it to me.
Er, excuse me, sir.
Erm, they can have our basha.
Shut up! This man is obviously a humanitarian, not a tyrant like you.
Well, I don't mind, I mean, I know the army will find us somewhere else to go.
- Calcutta.
- Colchester.
- Shut up! - Don't you start.
I daresay you can move your stuff in the vicinity of our basha.
Yes, sir, the Sergeant Major's very nearly on the veranda and they could be not quite on the veranda.
So tell them, will you please, char wallah? - Not quite on the veranda.
- We'd better get back to GHQ.
Now don't antagonise this press fellow, will you? It's a very delicate situation.
But the whole thing has just disinterrogated into a chaotic situation! Do nothing till we get back.
Carry on as usual.
Come along.
You have your instructions.
I am making note of everything you say and do.
Right.
The Colonel said, "Carry on as usual.
" - Get fell in for PT.
Move yourselves.
- But we haven't finished moving our stuff.
Shut up! Get fell in.
Move all this.
You are harassing the villagers.
I am writing it down.
Just one R in harassing.
Shut up! Get your shirts off.
But Sergeant Major, if I take my shirt off in front of these people, they'll laugh at me.
Yes, and I'm very sensitive, too.
I mean, I don't mind when we're all men together.
I've got nothing to be ashamed of, sir.
- (Cheering) - Shut up! Shut up! - What are they talking about, char wallah? - Fine pair of shoulders, sahib.
Yes, well, I can't argue with that.
- Hey, girls, get a load of this.
- (Cheering) Why are they flaunting their disgusting torsos in front of innocent maidens? - I am writing it down.
- Shut up! Raising arms and?? Commence.
Hup, two, hup, two.
Get on with it.
Get them goats out of here! Move it! Now you are harassing the goats! I am writing that down.
- Shut up! - G-O-A-T-S.
Get this washing off my parade ground.
Get out! Get out! Now you are harassing the washing.
I am writing that down.
That won't do you any good.
I've still got it all in my head.
Shut up.
Shut up! What's he doing with my lovely whitewash? He is painting it with mud.
They don't want their village to look like a dirty army camp.
Dirty army camp.
Vandals! My lovely whitewash.
My Where did he get that flag? He took it down.
It was making the place look untidy.
Right.
That's it.
Get your rifles and bayonets! - What for, Sergeant Major? - Shut up! That's an order! Fix bayonets! Are you going to bayonet defenceless women and children, brave soldier? - I'll show you what I'm going to do.
- (Gunfire) - (Screaming) - Move yourselves, move yourselves! You have done it now.
Fired on defenceless civilians.
The whole world will hear about it.
I have written it all down in my head.
If you don't get out of here in two seconds, you won't have no head! Move yourself! Move it Move it! - Excuse me, Sergeant Major.
- Shut up! Don't Don't you think you've rather overstepped the mark? Mackintosh, put that flag back where it belongs.
- I havenae got the flag, Sergeant Major.
- I think they took it with them.
- Go and get it back.
- There is no need.
I have it here.
- Where did you come from? - Through the back door.
Take your foreign hands off that flag.
With pleasure.
And this is what I think of a flag that fires on defenceless women and children.
(Yells) Right, you've done it now.
You're under arrest for treason.
Mackintosh, Clark, grab him.
Sir! Ooh! Oh, that hurt.
- Parkins, just grab his legs.
- Sir.
Sugden, take his shoes off.
Put him in the store hut.
Hey, char wallah, help me! I'm sorry.
I am under contract to British army.
Imperialist lackey! Excuse me! I have the right to make one telephone call.
Shut up! - I demand to see my solicitor.
- Shut up! You push your head through that hole again, and your party hat will be round your shoulders.
- They have no toilet facilities in here.
- Shut up! I'm waiting! Just once more, Johnny! The Sergeant Major's really cooked his goose this time.
I hope they don't keep us here for the court of inquiry.
You think he'll get into trouble, then? Get into trouble? My dear Lofty, it'll be in every newspaper throughout the world.
The press'll have a field day.
When they finish with the Sergeant Major, he'll make Attila the Hun look like Godfrey Winn.
I can see the headlines now.
"British atrocities in Burma.
" Hey, this could stop us fae getting home.
They could want us as witnesses.
- We didn't see a thing, did we, fellas? - No, no, no.
Oh, come on, fellas.
I mean, surely the army will cover up for him.
Of course they won't.
The Establishment will use him as a scapegoat.
You mean, he might go to prison? I nearly got you that time! What's he doing now? Ach, leave him alone.
He'll play for hours.
Well, I feel sorry for him.
What? He's made our life hell for the past year.
I don't think it's fair, a load of foreigners trying to ruin him.
Now, if we pushed him over a cliff or something, that'd be different.
Help me! I have been bitten! What are you on about? I never touched you.
- I have been bitten by a scorpion.
- (Banging and crashing) Pull the other leg, Johnny.
What do you think this is, you damn fool? Argh! It is a scorpion.
It's a small brown one, Sergeant Major.
They're deadly.
Right, get him out of there.
Put him in the officers' basha and char wallah, get me some boiling water.
Bombardier, get me a sharp knife and, Graham, get me some field dressings.
(Graham) Field dressings, yes.
- (Groaning) - Oh, I'm worn out.
I never thought I'd finish up as a removal man for a load of Burmese.
They didn't half have a lot of gear for us to carry.
- That was a nice village they built.
- I reckon we did them a favour.
Oh, yes.
They'd have never bothered if we hadn't chased them out with bayonets.
Well, that's let you off the hook, Sergeant Major.
The reporter's out of hospital and he's dropped the whole thing.
I should think so, sir.
I saved his life.
You should be grateful to him.
If he hadn't dropped it, you would've been disgraced and humiliated.
What I had to do for him, sir, was humiliating enough.
I wouldn't call it humiliating.
Brave, maybe.
I must say, I wouldn't like to suck scorpion poison out of somebody's foot.
He didn't tread on that scorpion, sir.
He sat on it.
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us about, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl