Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e05 Episode Script
Semi-Final Day 2
Previously on Last Comic Standing Five comics emerged from the pack and claimed coveted spots in the top ten.
Tonight, it's the hilarious If they did design video games for women, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
and surprising conclusion of the semifinals.
I've always wanted to know what I would look like as a woman.
will fight to keep their title hopes alive.
Oh, my God.
To help them prepare for combat Holy cow.
guest mentor Wanda Sykes offers her comedy expertise.
How do you feel about rape? I don't care for it.
Buckle up, because nothing's off limits.
Why do we congratulate people when they have kids? Shouldn't we wait and see how they turn out first? Everything's at stake I very badly want to be in the finals.
and expectations are high.
I wish you'd wanted it harder.
'Cause these are semifinals, you know.
It's the comics' last chance to make it into the top ten and move one step closer to winning $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
The second semifinals show starts right now.
You better get ready to be steamed, pressed, and smooved.
Give it up for your host, JB Smoove.
Oh.
Welcome to Last Comic Standing.
I'm your host, JB Smoove.
This is part two of our semifinals.
The comedians are competing for a spot in our top ten and trying to move on to our upcoming challenge round.
Before we get to all that, please say hello to our judges.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans, y'all, oh! Russell Peters in the building! Roseanne in the building, baby! Let's get this party started with our first comic, y'all.
Let's find out what Wanda served up for Lachlan Patterson.
Lachlan went over to the Jon Lovitz comedy club at Universal City Walk to meet with Wanda Sykes, y'all.
Thank you for being here.
Have a seat.
Lachlan Patterson is a part-time dog walker who wants to be a full-time comic.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
"What can I get for you?" "The hell out of my way.
" I wish Hallmark made breakup cards and I could just sign it and give it to them, and it would done.
And it would say what I want to say, like-- like, inside it could say, "I just need space.
" And on the cover could be, like, an astronaut floating away.
I'm just excited to work with Wanda.
I have one of the original George Foreman grills at home.
You definitely have to find a way to segue better.
- I suck at segues.
- Yeah.
You don't want it just to be built on joke, joke, joke.
- It's gotta flow.
- Yeah, so-- - I went right home and started smoothing out those transitions.
She helped me out a lot.
Can I hug you? - Of course.
- Thank you so much.
Lachlan Patterson! I, uh, I guess I don't have trouble meeting women, because I look like a mannequin.
But I suck at breaking up with them, man.
I wish Hallmark made breakup cards and I could just sign it, and I could say something nice inside, like, "I just need space.
" And on the cover could be, like, a picture of an astronaut floating by.
Or on the cover, it could say, "Somebody's gonna be single soon.
" "Who could it be?" Who doesn't like a surprise? And then you open it up, and there's a mirror inside.
What? Okay, that's why-- that's why I like video games.
You don't have to communicate with women to play them.
I know that if I want to get past the dragon, I gotta climb on its back and rip its head off.
If a woman designed that video game, instead of ripping the dragon's head off, you gotta go just talk to the dragon for, like, 45 minutes, figure out why the dragon was so mad at you.
Perhaps it was your tone.
Then you just press the "Share Feelings" button 50 times.
Oh, my God.
How do I cry? Is there a turbo cry? Worst part if women made video games, once a month, the game would be impossible to play.
What the hell just happened? No, I just turned it on, and it said, "Game over.
Go to hell.
" What? I just-- I haven't picked my guy.
I'll give you this, though, ladies.
If they did design video games for women, they'd have some advantages.
Like, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
Oh, no.
No.
You guys, thank you.
Whoo! Lachlan Patterson! RP, what's up? You know, you have that look that makes guys want to hate you immediately.
Yeah.
But then you start talking, and you make us laugh.
I like that you disguise what guys want to say to women by hiding it in a video game joke.
- Good set, Lachlan.
- Thanks, bro.
- I was really impressed.
- Thanks, man.
I liked your opening line.
Thank you.
I stole it from you.
I know.
For you guys who weren't here his last time, first thing I said was, "You look like a mannequin.
" - So now he came out.
- That's right.
He put it in his act, which I think is great.
- It's brilliant.
- I was worried.
Yeah.
No.
No.
It's funny.
I love it.
You're kissing the judge's ass now.
- I was a little bit.
- That's what you're doing.
I like exactly the same thing as Russell, in that you could have stood up there and did this-- the old, you know, "Women are like this, and guys are like that.
" And instead, you found a whole different context to do those jokes that wasn't a predictability.
- You're very funny.
- Thanks, man.
I think you're so funny, you're so great.
- Your writing's fantastic.
- Aw.
Your delivery is, like, one of a kind.
Thank you.
I think you could take this whole contest.
Oh, man.
Are you kidding, man? It's Lachlan Patterson! Bye, guys.
Roseanne said I could win the whole contest.
I wonder if I could win the whole contest.
I never thought about that.
This comic told us that she couldn't be judged by her cover.
Let's see what Wanda uncovered about Zainab Johnson.
Zainab Johnson is the bald and beautiful comic from New York who won over the judges with her edgy look and edgy material.
If I walk in the house and you're having sex with somebody else, you're basically saying, "Zainab, burn the house down.
" Let's check out what advice Wanda has for Zainab.
There was something that I want to do that is not in the-- that I didn't include yet.
Okay.
How do you feel about rape? I don't care for it.
If there's an option, I'll say, "No, thank you.
" I have a take on it.
It's not about rape.
It's about self-esteem.
I think I know what you're gonna do.
- Okay.
- But You wanna just-- you want me to do it.
Yeah.
I've been doing comedy for four years, which, I'm sure I'm considered a newcomer.
But I feel like my advantage is that I'm open to being better.
A man could walk in the room and be like, "I'm raping everybody, except you, Zainab.
" And I'd be like, "Well, hold up.
Why you don't wanna rape me for?" Wanda, how do you feel about that? - Uh-uh.
- Okay.
People do that same premise for, "Why didn't he rape me?" Or, "Why isn't anyone stalking me?" Yeah.
Okay.
It's the trying to turn it into a self-esteem thing.
- You're better than that.
- Okay.
- I wouldn't do it.
- Okay.
I think that she's a great comic.
I think that she's a great personality, and I got honest insight, which I feel like is appreciated and necessary, especially in comedy.
Please welcome Zainab Johnson! Whoo! I get called a man at least once a day.
I'm around a lot of thugs.
Thugs are always confused when they see me.
They always jump back, like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
" It's like they jump back in, like, fighter's stance, like, "What? You sure that's a chick?" This one-- this one thug was like, "Yo, you're the prettiest dude I've ever seen.
" I was like, as long as he thinks I'm pretty, though.
I used to be able to pull, like, a good thug.
Like, that was my type of guy, you know.
When I shaved my head, the type of guys that I attracted, it changed drastically.
Like, I could attract a good old thug, you know, like, tattoo on the face, pants sagging, always got a warrant out for his arrest, like, like that type of thug, you know.
When I would walk down the street, I had long hair, I would get, like, these types of guys.
Like, "Yo.
Slim goody.
Yeah, yo.
Yo, with all due respect, ma I'm trying lick you up and down.
" Now, though, I feel like, because I have a shaved head, guys think I'm the positive chick.
You know, so now I get those guys, they always have dreadlocks.
Whenever they see me, it's like they've seen the woman of their dreams.
They always hit me with the same thing.
They be like, "Sister, I'm so elated that our paths crossed.
You're the sun to my moon, the Egypt to my Nile, the dark to my chocolate.
" I always hit them with the same thing.
"What the hell are you talking about? Nah, I ain't into that positive crap.
You wanna lick me up and down or what?" I'm Zainab, y'all.
Thank you.
Zainab Johnson! Well, you know, I've always wanted to know what I would look like as a woman.
Anyway, you are a joy to watch.
You're elegant onstage.
You're confident.
You're funny.
You take your time.
I really, really enjoy watching you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- I liked what you did.
- Thank you.
But I still want to see you dig deeper.
What do you mean, "Dig deeper"? - Find that dark side.
- Yeah.
- Deep into the dark and the pain.
- The pain.
Yeah, bring a little bit more pain of you.
- Okay.
- You know, I'm just saying that because I like you and enjoyed your performance so much.
Thank you.
And I'll take the note.
You continue to impress me.
I appreciate those kinds of callbacks and tie-ins and letting the people know that you're aware of what you're doing up there.
Great stuff.
I'm very happy to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Give it up for Zainab Johnson! Coming up, a dating disaster.
She was tearing up this food, you know.
"What's this brown, chewy thing?" I'm like, "That's an egg roll.
" "What's this white, crunchy thing?" I'm like, "That's the plate.
" A hopeless romantic.
You know you're too young to be married when you're at your own wedding reception like this, "Damn.
There's some women up in here.
" And later, some tough love.
I wish you had wanted it harder, you know what I mean? 'Cause these are semifinals, you know.
We are back! Tonight, the comics are battling for a spot in our top ten.
Okay, let's get to our next comic! DC Benny is the tall veteran comedian from DC, who even made tai chi entertaining.
I see this old man doing tai chi.
I'm like, "That's cool.
" Then I look closer.
It's not an old man doing tai chi.
It's one of those heroin guys that never falls over.
Let's see what insight Wanda has for DC.
So in the supermarket where we live, there's a little sushi corner.
I go in there one day, "What's up with the unagi?" He's like, "Unagi.
Unagi good.
You can freakadeak all night.
Woman no more talk smack.
Unagi powers.
" I tell long stories.
You know, I don't talk about sort of ironic observations and stuff like that.
I talk about my life and things that have happened.
If you're gonna tell one story, one long story, - just make sure it builds.
- It builds, yeah.
Duly noted.
I was a little surprised about how helpful the mentor stuff was.
Because I had chosen a bit, initially, that was sort of intermittent periods of funniness.
And I totally scrapped that set and then brought in something probably a little bit more accessible.
DC Benny, baby! Everybody in my high school used to hang out at Popeyes Fried Chicken 'cause the biscuits were good.
Like, you could buy weed with the biscuits.
People would gamble, "I got six biscuits," you know.
So I went into the Popeyes one day in high school.
There was this girl who worked there named Lawanda, who was a cheerleader, but she weighed, like, 380, so she didn't cheerlead too hard, you know.
So I ordered some chicken.
I looked down on my platter.
She had put, like, six biscuits on my platter.
I was like, "I didn't order those biscuits.
" She's like, "Ix-nay free-nay on the bisc-ay.
" I was like, "What?" She's like, "Baby, it's a hookup.
Take the biscuits.
" So the next day, I'm walking around school.
I hear this voice, "Baby, I gave you biscuits.
What you think, biscuits grow on trees? Biscuits.
B-I-S-skits.
" She told her brother, No-Neck.
He came up to me after class, like, "Yo, I understand my sister gave you biscuits.
You didn't reciprocate.
" I was like, "Dang," 'cause he had a space, and spit would shoot out.
And he said, "Well, you're gonna take her to the prom.
" I was like, "All right.
" So the night of prom came.
I knock on their apartment door.
No-Neck comes to the door.
He's like, "Whatever you do, do not bring her home hungry.
" I'm like, "Okay.
" So we went to this Chinese restaurant she had picked out.
Apparently, she'd been there before, because we walk in, the whole staff goes crazy.
"Lawanda here! Lawanda here! Put the extra cook on grill.
Lawanda here! Hello, Lawanda.
" "How y'all doing?" And she was tearing up this food, you know.
"What's this brown, chewy thing?" I'm like, "That's an egg roll.
" "What's this white, crunchy thing?" I'm like, "That's the plate.
" You gotta pace yourself.
So we went to the prom.
We danced.
We had a nice time.
And then the evening started winding down.
So I went to go drop her off.
I was like, "Well, Lawanda, I had a beautiful time.
I just want to say good night.
" She's like, "Oh, no, baby.
The evening ain't over yet.
The biscuits going in the gravy.
" Ooh.
I was like, "Can't we just be friends?" She's like, "What are you, gay?" I was like, "Can you keep a secret?" I'm DC Benny.
That's DC Benny! So you did all these great characters tonight, which was really, really funny.
But you did them with your voice.
There was a moment where you actually jumped up.
And I thought, "Okay.
He's gonna start to act them out.
" That's your next phase.
Unbutton that jacket and go ahead and do it, because all of that is in you.
It's already hilarious, but if you actually physically do those characters, that's gonna take it up another notch.
- You did a great job.
- Thank you, man.
Thank you, man.
I'm so impressed.
I mean, like, so blown away.
You know, it wasn't what I expected at all.
I liked you last time, but, boy-- your dialect and characters.
You blew my mind.
It was fantastic.
You know what? Wow, is what I want to tell you.
'Cause, yeah, you had a good set on the first time we saw you, and you had an amazing set tonight.
The way you describe Lawanda, we never saw her, but you even made us say, "Ew," and we didn't know what she looked like.
Like when you said, "It's not over," I was like, "Ew.
" And then-- and I was like, "We don't even know what she looks like.
" It was a great set, DC.
Amazing.
Good job, buddy.
Thank you, bud.
One more time for DC Benny! I'm a little anxious, but I'm also excited to get out there and have some fun.
We got a black president.
And I have always envisioned a black man on some money.
I'm like, "Can I just get one, Lord? Just one that I can relate to?" 'Cause I've always had to look up to the penny as my black representative.
Look at the penny's story.
It's the only coin that's a different color from the rest of the gang.
Right? Secondly, it has the least value of all the coins.
Thirdly, it's not accepted in vending machines, parking meters, or pay phones.
Otherwise, saying, "We don't serve your kind, penny.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah, come on in, quarter, nickel, and dime.
We got drinks in the back.
Penny, slow your roll, dog.
What the hell I just say? Wishing wells and fountains down the street, brother.
" You guys, 1/3 of our country is currently obese.
last year, my bike got stolen.
Everyone's like, "Did you keep it someplace safe?" "Yeah, I did.
America.
" Yeah.
Thank you.
I thought, "I'll just leave it by this treadmill.
" I'm single now, looking to get back out there.
Trying to be in a faithful relationship.
I used to cheat.
Used to cheat real hard.
I don't cheat no more.
Cheat no more.
I don't condone it.
Don't condone it.
But I will say this.
Ladies, if you are going to cheat, please be responsible, okay? Be responsible and do it with somebody who look like your man.
That way, if you get pregnant, you got about a 90% chance of getting away with it.
My buddy actually recently got propositioned by a prostitute.
Oral sex for $40.
I told my wife about it.
She goes, "$40.
She must think she's pretty good at that.
" I'm sorry, what? That is a tragically low amount of money.
Also, that's all that's been holding you back all these years is $40? 'Cause now that I know that's my wife's price range, I spend a lot of time trying to give her $40.
My wife won't let me near.
I don't know why I made that noise.
That's not apropos.
Not near the goods during that time of the month, mainly because the first time I saw a string hanging out of it, I said, "Oh, good.
You caught the mouse.
" I don't get it.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
I don't get the mouse joke.
It looks like a rat tail.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Roseanne's from a different era.
- She's pre-string.
- Yeah.
You've got dark humor.
I don't know, I just-- the mouse thing is turning me off.
One more time for Dave Landau! Coming up, Nikki Carr makes a case for wrongful termination.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
Welcome back to the semifinals ofLast Comic Standing.
Let's keep this comedy coming with our next comic.
Nikki Carr is the animated comedienne from the Bronx whose jokes about being big earn big laughs.
How can anybody go on a diet as good as food is? Food is delicious.
Let's see if Wanda can guide Nikki to the big time.
I was born in New York City, raised right off the coast of Puerto Rico.
This little teeny island called "The Bronx.
" And, you know, I'm not making fun of the fact that there are a lot of Puerto Ricans in the Bronx, 'cause that is a cool thing, because the two-- Um I think you need to get to a joke faster.
My hero-- excuse me, my she-ro.
Wanda Sykes' feedback definitely helped me.
And the ending, you need a bigger ending.
- So - I need a bigger ending? You-- Yeah.
The experience will go all the way with me for the rest of my life.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Give it up for Nikki Carr! Thank you.
You know, comedy is the easiest job I've ever had.
Two simple rules-- be yourself and have a good time.
And people pay you for it.
My last job, nine hard years.
And do you know they fired me for nothing? True story.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
I know.
Before that, I got fired from another job that I loved.
I used to sell fried chicken.
Chicken was delicious, but the rules, impossible.
They said, "Every piece get counted at the end of the night, and then we throw it away.
" I said, "You do? Well, do I look like I throw away fried chicken?" Every time I went to the bathroom, I had to steal four or five pieces of this chicken.
It was against the rules to eat it.
Can you believe that? That's so dumb.
I don't understand why we couldn't count the chicken, eat it, and throw the bones in the garbage.
That's the same amount of chicken, ain't it? Big girls got it rough.
Do you know we only get dates from Thanksgiving to June 1st? Did you know that? Yeah, you keep them warm all winter.
Soon as June come in, they got excuses why they won't come by.
One time June came, and it was freezing cold.
I call up the same person I'm keeping warm all winter, but now that it's June, he has excuses why he won't come.
I call up, I go, "Hey, how you doing? Yeah, this is Nikki.
I would really love to see you.
" He said, "I wanna see you too.
But gas is so high this week.
You know I drive that big truck.
" I was astonished.
I said, "I don't care what you drive.
You live upstairs.
You can't come down 15"-- That's my time.
I'm Nikki Carr.
Thank you.
Nikki Carr! Whoo! Nikki Carr, you continue to amaze me.
Thank you.
I understand that chicken joke 'cause I used to work at KFC - back in the day, so yeah - Yeah.
- It was a weird thing.
- What a stupid rule.
I'm from a third-world family.
We can't just throw away food like that.
Okay, isn't that a sin or something? Forcing me to steal chicken, I don't Great stuff.
I was very happy to see you.
Roseanne, Nikki Carr.
Well, you topped yourself from last time.
Yay.
You have so much power, so much swagger, and you just took us by the throat, right, and shook us the whole time.
I love you.
- Thank you.
- You're great.
Thank you.
I love you back.
I do.
Here's what's interesting-- your last set, I was like, "Okay, did she give us all she got?" You know, and that's gonna be the test tonight, is, can you top yourself? And we've seen people who came back and weren't able to do it.
You came out.
You had great confidence.
Your energy level was unbelievable.
- Wow.
- You had engaged the audience right away, and you never let them go.
I thought you did a great job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Nikki Carr! - Whoo! I can't believe this.
I still feel like I'm dreaming.
The judges just touched me to tears, actually.
I'm a little bit scared.
Now I have to even step up my game more.
People in LA are pretty great, they are, except they always want me to give them money for a cause.
And I'm like, "I'm a gay, bipolar Jew with a lazy eye.
I am Yeah, I am the cause.
" Actually there is one cause.
There is one cause that's very close to my heart.
This year I lost a few friends to babies.
Very very debilitating disease.
Suffer from exhaustion.
My question is, "Why?" Why do we congratulate people when they have kids? Shouldn't we wait and see how they turn out first? Yeah.
And don't get me wrong, 'cause I like a lot of my friends' kids.
I do.
I like a lot of them.
But then there's always those one or two, where you're like, that one should have been CENSORED.
Going through a divorce.
I'm happy.
Oh, anybody happy? Whoo! Whoo! Got married too young.
You know you're too young to be married, when you're at your own wedding reception, like this "Damn! There's some women up in here.
" I'm getting phone numbers.
I'm like, "Hey, baby.
What's your name? Who? My wedd-- It's my reception?" My wedding-- my marriage was so bad, I used to watch my wedding tape backwards.
Used to watch it in reverse.
Watch me walk out the church.
Used to watch me get my ring off her finger.
Get my deposit money back from the tuxedos.
I had a really bad allergic reaction last fall, Landed me in the ER.
I didn't know what I was allergic to.
So I went to an allergist, and he said, "Erin, I want to put you through a full set of allergy testing.
We're gonna test you for everything, for plants, for animals, and common food allergies, like eggs, nuts, and shellfish.
" All right, but he tells me because I don't have health insurance that it's gonna cost me $950.
And I didn't have it, so I was like, try to work with me, doc.
How about this? "How about I go to the grocery store, and I buy some eggs, nuts, and shellfish? And then I let you watch me eat them.
We can do it under a birch tree while you rub a kitten on my face, but I need that price to come down.
" I'm surprised anybody is attracted to men.
Even women aren't really attracted to us.
Like, men want to see a woman naked.
Women want to see a man in a suit.
They wanna cover that up as much as they can.
It's like, "Oh, that shirt is so hot.
" "You want me to take it off?" "No.
Put on another layer.
" That's why when women flash, it's called Girls Gone Wild.
When men flash, it's called America's Most Wanted.
All right, guys.
That is it for me.
Thank you very much.
I liked your set, but I felt it lacked the punch that you had last time.
And this time it was kind of like you went, "All right, I can probably get by on this.
" And it's the semifinals now, and you gotta really come swinging.
That's my only criticism for you.
You had a great set, otherwise.
Okay, thank you.
That's Alingon Mitra! Up next, tensions rise.
These are semifinals, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, you know what I mean? As the semifinals heat up.
I wish you would have got couple laughs like that during your set.
Welcome back! Welcome back! In his first performance, Rocky Laporte turned little things into big laughs.
Take a look.
Rocky Laporte is the laid-back grandpa who wants to spend more time with his grandkids.
It would be unbelievable for me to winLast Comic Standing.
Get me off the road and be home with my family.
I go, "You know Mike Smith?" He goes, "Oh, I know Denise Smith.
" I go, "Yeah, that's the guy.
" Let's see if Wanda can help Rocky go the distance.
Keenen said, "Reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield.
Great sarcasm.
" He did say that you should, like, pick up the pace a little bit.
- Yeah.
- I think this is what he was talking about.
I end up in front of this judge.
I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
He goes-- uh, he goes, "Do you have counsel?" I'm like, "I got a stick shift.
" I know your style.
You wait a little second, because sometimes, you know, it takes a second - for the audience to catch it.
- Yeah.
But as soon as you get that big laugh, jump back on them.
Okay, I'm gonna let them have it this show.
You will definitely just kill all the way through.
Wanda's great, you know.
Look at all those years of experience making people laugh.
And she's passing it on to you.
Where else can you get something like that? I really believe it did help me, a lot.
Rocky Laporte, baby! I was in Orange County yesterday, you know, and I went to the CENSORED zoo.
You ever been there? Uh, what a piece of crap that place is.
They got, like, four birds and a squirrel.
You ever been in there? They didn't even have good animals.
There was, like, a lizard or something ran by.
I'm like, "What the hell's that?" Guy goes, "That's not ours.
" He goes, "You see the bird exhibit?" I'm like, "Yeah, that's a nice duck.
" A zoo.
It was like two guys got together and were like, "Hey, I got a dog, and you got a bird.
Freakin' let's have a zoo.
Come on, call up Jimmy, and tell him to bring his cat.
" Then they charge you to get in there, do you believe that? It's, like, $8.
It comes out to, like, a buck an animal.
They had a sign in the bathroom that said, "No Smoking Or Eating.
" Who the hell's gonna eat in the bathroom at a zoo? Be like, "Hey, the zoo don't smell bad enough.
Let's grab a snack in the john.
" And whose job is it to go in there and check on that, you know? They're like, "Hey, Jimmy.
When you're done washing the duck, go to the bathroom, make sure nobody's eating in there, will you?" I love animals.
I was dating this girl for a while, you know.
She loved animals and outdoors, and she always wanted to go camping, you know.
She said, "Let's go camping.
We'll sleep outside.
" I'm like, "I don't want to sleep outside.
That's why I work.
" She's like, "All right, we'll get a cabin.
" They didn't even have showers in this thing.
And we're hiking for, like, three days.
We're all slimy.
Like, we can't even take a bath.
And she's like, "Hey, let's, uh, let's make love.
" I'm like, "Make love? Like, we'll burst into flames.
What the hell are you talking about?" I'm like, "We'll start a grease fire, you idiot.
" Thank you very much.
Rocky Laporte! Roseanne.
I like your insight into the mundane and everything like that.
I just wish you had been, um, you know, I wish you had wanted it harder.
- You know what I mean? - Oh.
I wish you would have brought it more and, like, - really punched through - Oh, ye-- 'cause these are semifinals, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? I wish you would have got a couple laughs like that during your set.
But you're funny, and I enjoyed it.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, Rocky, I enjoyed you last time, and this time, I thought you were very funny as well.
I just felt that you started a little too slow.
In a competitive environment, we got people coming out who are bringing it from the opening bell.
Doesn't say that you didn't have a good set and that you're not funny, it's just, you know, our wish was that you just brought it from the first joke on.
I'm becoming a big Rocky Laporte fan.
- Well, thank you.
- From-- from, uh You have that funny energy that-- even-- you could be like-- you could literally be like, "Hey, I just got a phone call.
" And I'd be like, "That's hilarious.
He got a phone call.
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
" - You know.
- Thank you.
- But I enjoyed your set, 100%.
- Thank you very much.
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! I thought the audience really liked me, you know.
I mean, that's my pace.
That's what I do.
And I guess it's up to them.
It's in the judges' hands, you know.
Coming up, did we save the best for last? I try to drink responsibly, but one night, evidently my car was drinking while I was in the club 'cause I get back in the car, and we are all over the road.
And later, find out which comics are advancing to the top ten.
Let's not stop the comedy.
Right now, let's see how Wanda checked out Rod Man.
Rod Man is the high energy Georgian whose bit about long-ass receipts at the pharmacy was a prescription for laughter.
Yeah, I be like, "Man, this is way too much receipt, uh, for a pack of gum.
" Rod Man set the bar high.
Now let's see if Wanda can help him live up to the hype.
I don't do starstruck, but I'm having a moment right now.
- Really? - Yeah, it's 'cause I see you all the time, so I'm having a moment.
Yeah, that's Wanda right there.
That's Wanda.
That's what I want to do.
That's Wanda.
So you wanna show me a little bit of what you're gonna do? - Just me and you? - Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
A lot of traffic.
Traffic is not-- I'm, you know-- you gotta ride around a lot.
All the lanes be full.
I'm a big fan of the carpool lane.
I ain't gotta have people in the car with me.
I just see that it's clear.
I get in it and start to ride.
I don't have a problem.
I pay taxes.
I should be able to ride in this damn lane without another person in the vehicle.
They didn't put no gas in.
- The carpool lane.
- Yes.
You're a fan of the carpool lane.
- Right.
- We didn't need all that stuff in there about taxes, so I don't need somebody in my car.
- Okay.
- Just some of your setups-- Don't get rid of them.
Just trim them.
Okay.
Don't be so wordy.
Wanda, appreciate that.
I'll talk to you on the next mental session.
Rod Man! Ah, ah.
All right.
All right.
This is beautiful to be here tonight.
It's a beautiful experience.
LA, a lot of traffic in LA.
All the lanes be full all the time.
I don't know why they be full, but I like the carpool lane.
I'm a big fan of the carpool lane 'cause everybody seem to be moving in that lane.
And, uh, I was riding good in the carpool lane one day, and a little police on a motorcycle, uh, get behind me.
In a hurry.
And I said, "Man, he is after somebody.
Let me, uh, get out the way.
" Yeah, I'm trying to get out the way, but he pulls right behind me.
So I'm like, "Well, maybe I'm a witness or something.
I don't know what's going on, but I'll help him.
" And he came up to the car, and he's like, "Uh, sir, you can't be in this lane unless you have another occupant in the vehicle.
" And I said, "Man, you are using thesaurus words right there, 'cause you don't hear 'Occupant' every day.
" Yeah, so, uh, I was like, "No, Officer, I know I can't be in this lane without another occupant.
" But I looked at him, and I looked at his motorcycle, and I say, "Uh, you don't have another occupant on your motorcycle, so"-- Yeah, so I was like, "Matter of fact, why don't you leave your motorcycle and get in the car with me? And then that way we both will be in compliance.
" That's what I'm saying.
Gotta be in compliance with the law.
And I know we like to go out and have drinks, people.
But drink responsibly.
You see the commercial.
Drink responsibly, and I say that from experience, 'cause I like to go out every once in a while, and I try to drink responsibly.
But one night, I think I had a little too much.
And evidently my car was drinking while I was in the club 'cause I get back in the car, and we are all over the road.
And I said, "Man, this is not-- This is not going well.
" I'm like, "Let me pull myself over.
" So I pull myself over, but evidently, the police see me pull myself over, and he tried to come take over my pull over.
And I said, "Man, what are you doing, Officer?" 'Cause he was like, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And I said, "First of all, Officer, you did not pull me over.
You can't take credit for this apprehension right here.
This is my-- this is my call, right here.
" And he said, "Well, I pulled you over for suspicion of DUI.
" And I said, "Well, that's the same damn reason I pulled me over, right there, so, yeah.
So I think we're on the same page.
" I was like, "You can go ahead and ride on.
" But, uh, no.
He wanted me to take a test.
That's what he told me.
"I'm gonna need you to take a test tonight.
" And he called it a field sobriety test, and I told him, I said, "I don't think this would be a good night for me to take the test, 'cause, yeah.
'Cause I wanna pass.
I wanna pass.
I wanna pass.
I wanna pass.
I'm not trying to fail.
I'm trying to pass.
" Hey, I've been Rod Man, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Much love.
Thank y'all very much, man.
- Rod Man, everybody! - Appreciate it.
Thank y'all.
Appreciate it.
What's up, boy? - Whoo! - We did it.
We did it.
Wow, thank you.
Thank you.
Keenen.
You came out here.
You had that energy.
You grabbed the audience right away.
You never let go, you never backed down, and we heard the applause and laughter, and that's what time it is.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've got an unusual delivery that none of us have ever seen before, and it's like, "Good God, look at him go.
" You make great observations about very mundane things that every other comic on Earth misses by a mile.
But you bring it home, and you're great.
- I loved it.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I'm hot.
- RP.
- Russell.
Russell.
- Rod Man.
Rod Man, let me tell you something, man.
Tell me something, Russell.
You-- you killed that CENSORED just now.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- You're really - Thank you.
Thank you.
You are the new occupant of this building.
- Good job.
- Thank you, Russell.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
One more time for Rod Man! Rod Man in the building.
All right.
The comedy might be over, but the drama is about to begin.
The fate of tonight's semifinalists is now in the hands of our celebrity judges.
Come on back, y'all.
Come on back.
- For sure, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Right? - Yeah.
Yeah, she came out right away.
Yeah, she was excellent.
That's my note, "Excellent.
" Yeah, I love the potential of him.
I think he's running out of gas, though.
- Him? - No way.
- No.
- No? No.
I mean, you can disagree.
Oh, welcome back toLast Comic Standing.
We just watched our second group of semifinalists perform.
America, if one of your favorites doesn't make it into the top ten, you can still see them perform in our Comic Comeback online competition.
Go to nbc.
com for more information and to vote for your favorite.
Now, let's not keep anyone waiting any longer.
Comics, when I call your name, please step forward.
Lachlan Patterson! I just advanced.
I know I'm supposed to be excited, but I'm kind of freaking out a bit.
Rocky Laporte! It's unbelievable.
Like, I-- I don't even know if I have words.
I think the audience helped pull me through, you know.
Like, they started chanting my name at the end, you know.
DC Benny, baby! I'm very tired, so it may not show in my face, but I am extremely excited to advance.
Nikki Carr! I'm so excited.
All this hard work this last Rod Man! We back.
We back.
I don't know where I been, but I'm back.
Don't forget to go to nbc.
com to vote for your favorite eliminated comic.
The winner of that contest will come back to perform a guest set on the season finale.
Five comedians from tonight's semifinals have moved on.
They'll join the previous five comedians to form the top ten and move into the challenge round.
Next week, the competition shifts into high gear as our top ten enter the challenge round.
We are officially on the lot.
Now it's serious.
Somebody in this group of people is gonna win this show.
Each week, the comics will face a surprising challenge I think everybody's a little bit leery of the unknown.
that will put all of their comedic skills to the test.
You will be a tour guide at Universal Studios.
Welcome to the Last Comic Standing challenge "Sketchy Situation.
" Welcome everybody, to the Last Comic Standing roast.
And show us just who's ready for the big time.
I will interview three of the finalists to see which comic makes the best talk show guest.
One, two, three-- Go for it! It's going to be a wild ride, so don't miss it.
Tonight, it's the hilarious If they did design video games for women, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
and surprising conclusion of the semifinals.
I've always wanted to know what I would look like as a woman.
will fight to keep their title hopes alive.
Oh, my God.
To help them prepare for combat Holy cow.
guest mentor Wanda Sykes offers her comedy expertise.
How do you feel about rape? I don't care for it.
Buckle up, because nothing's off limits.
Why do we congratulate people when they have kids? Shouldn't we wait and see how they turn out first? Everything's at stake I very badly want to be in the finals.
and expectations are high.
I wish you'd wanted it harder.
'Cause these are semifinals, you know.
It's the comics' last chance to make it into the top ten and move one step closer to winning $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
The second semifinals show starts right now.
You better get ready to be steamed, pressed, and smooved.
Give it up for your host, JB Smoove.
Oh.
Welcome to Last Comic Standing.
I'm your host, JB Smoove.
This is part two of our semifinals.
The comedians are competing for a spot in our top ten and trying to move on to our upcoming challenge round.
Before we get to all that, please say hello to our judges.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans, y'all, oh! Russell Peters in the building! Roseanne in the building, baby! Let's get this party started with our first comic, y'all.
Let's find out what Wanda served up for Lachlan Patterson.
Lachlan went over to the Jon Lovitz comedy club at Universal City Walk to meet with Wanda Sykes, y'all.
Thank you for being here.
Have a seat.
Lachlan Patterson is a part-time dog walker who wants to be a full-time comic.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
"What can I get for you?" "The hell out of my way.
" I wish Hallmark made breakup cards and I could just sign it and give it to them, and it would done.
And it would say what I want to say, like-- like, inside it could say, "I just need space.
" And on the cover could be, like, an astronaut floating away.
I'm just excited to work with Wanda.
I have one of the original George Foreman grills at home.
You definitely have to find a way to segue better.
- I suck at segues.
- Yeah.
You don't want it just to be built on joke, joke, joke.
- It's gotta flow.
- Yeah, so-- - I went right home and started smoothing out those transitions.
She helped me out a lot.
Can I hug you? - Of course.
- Thank you so much.
Lachlan Patterson! I, uh, I guess I don't have trouble meeting women, because I look like a mannequin.
But I suck at breaking up with them, man.
I wish Hallmark made breakup cards and I could just sign it, and I could say something nice inside, like, "I just need space.
" And on the cover could be, like, a picture of an astronaut floating by.
Or on the cover, it could say, "Somebody's gonna be single soon.
" "Who could it be?" Who doesn't like a surprise? And then you open it up, and there's a mirror inside.
What? Okay, that's why-- that's why I like video games.
You don't have to communicate with women to play them.
I know that if I want to get past the dragon, I gotta climb on its back and rip its head off.
If a woman designed that video game, instead of ripping the dragon's head off, you gotta go just talk to the dragon for, like, 45 minutes, figure out why the dragon was so mad at you.
Perhaps it was your tone.
Then you just press the "Share Feelings" button 50 times.
Oh, my God.
How do I cry? Is there a turbo cry? Worst part if women made video games, once a month, the game would be impossible to play.
What the hell just happened? No, I just turned it on, and it said, "Game over.
Go to hell.
" What? I just-- I haven't picked my guy.
I'll give you this, though, ladies.
If they did design video games for women, they'd have some advantages.
Like, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
Oh, no.
No.
You guys, thank you.
Whoo! Lachlan Patterson! RP, what's up? You know, you have that look that makes guys want to hate you immediately.
Yeah.
But then you start talking, and you make us laugh.
I like that you disguise what guys want to say to women by hiding it in a video game joke.
- Good set, Lachlan.
- Thanks, bro.
- I was really impressed.
- Thanks, man.
I liked your opening line.
Thank you.
I stole it from you.
I know.
For you guys who weren't here his last time, first thing I said was, "You look like a mannequin.
" - So now he came out.
- That's right.
He put it in his act, which I think is great.
- It's brilliant.
- I was worried.
Yeah.
No.
No.
It's funny.
I love it.
You're kissing the judge's ass now.
- I was a little bit.
- That's what you're doing.
I like exactly the same thing as Russell, in that you could have stood up there and did this-- the old, you know, "Women are like this, and guys are like that.
" And instead, you found a whole different context to do those jokes that wasn't a predictability.
- You're very funny.
- Thanks, man.
I think you're so funny, you're so great.
- Your writing's fantastic.
- Aw.
Your delivery is, like, one of a kind.
Thank you.
I think you could take this whole contest.
Oh, man.
Are you kidding, man? It's Lachlan Patterson! Bye, guys.
Roseanne said I could win the whole contest.
I wonder if I could win the whole contest.
I never thought about that.
This comic told us that she couldn't be judged by her cover.
Let's see what Wanda uncovered about Zainab Johnson.
Zainab Johnson is the bald and beautiful comic from New York who won over the judges with her edgy look and edgy material.
If I walk in the house and you're having sex with somebody else, you're basically saying, "Zainab, burn the house down.
" Let's check out what advice Wanda has for Zainab.
There was something that I want to do that is not in the-- that I didn't include yet.
Okay.
How do you feel about rape? I don't care for it.
If there's an option, I'll say, "No, thank you.
" I have a take on it.
It's not about rape.
It's about self-esteem.
I think I know what you're gonna do.
- Okay.
- But You wanna just-- you want me to do it.
Yeah.
I've been doing comedy for four years, which, I'm sure I'm considered a newcomer.
But I feel like my advantage is that I'm open to being better.
A man could walk in the room and be like, "I'm raping everybody, except you, Zainab.
" And I'd be like, "Well, hold up.
Why you don't wanna rape me for?" Wanda, how do you feel about that? - Uh-uh.
- Okay.
People do that same premise for, "Why didn't he rape me?" Or, "Why isn't anyone stalking me?" Yeah.
Okay.
It's the trying to turn it into a self-esteem thing.
- You're better than that.
- Okay.
- I wouldn't do it.
- Okay.
I think that she's a great comic.
I think that she's a great personality, and I got honest insight, which I feel like is appreciated and necessary, especially in comedy.
Please welcome Zainab Johnson! Whoo! I get called a man at least once a day.
I'm around a lot of thugs.
Thugs are always confused when they see me.
They always jump back, like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
" It's like they jump back in, like, fighter's stance, like, "What? You sure that's a chick?" This one-- this one thug was like, "Yo, you're the prettiest dude I've ever seen.
" I was like, as long as he thinks I'm pretty, though.
I used to be able to pull, like, a good thug.
Like, that was my type of guy, you know.
When I shaved my head, the type of guys that I attracted, it changed drastically.
Like, I could attract a good old thug, you know, like, tattoo on the face, pants sagging, always got a warrant out for his arrest, like, like that type of thug, you know.
When I would walk down the street, I had long hair, I would get, like, these types of guys.
Like, "Yo.
Slim goody.
Yeah, yo.
Yo, with all due respect, ma I'm trying lick you up and down.
" Now, though, I feel like, because I have a shaved head, guys think I'm the positive chick.
You know, so now I get those guys, they always have dreadlocks.
Whenever they see me, it's like they've seen the woman of their dreams.
They always hit me with the same thing.
They be like, "Sister, I'm so elated that our paths crossed.
You're the sun to my moon, the Egypt to my Nile, the dark to my chocolate.
" I always hit them with the same thing.
"What the hell are you talking about? Nah, I ain't into that positive crap.
You wanna lick me up and down or what?" I'm Zainab, y'all.
Thank you.
Zainab Johnson! Well, you know, I've always wanted to know what I would look like as a woman.
Anyway, you are a joy to watch.
You're elegant onstage.
You're confident.
You're funny.
You take your time.
I really, really enjoy watching you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- I liked what you did.
- Thank you.
But I still want to see you dig deeper.
What do you mean, "Dig deeper"? - Find that dark side.
- Yeah.
- Deep into the dark and the pain.
- The pain.
Yeah, bring a little bit more pain of you.
- Okay.
- You know, I'm just saying that because I like you and enjoyed your performance so much.
Thank you.
And I'll take the note.
You continue to impress me.
I appreciate those kinds of callbacks and tie-ins and letting the people know that you're aware of what you're doing up there.
Great stuff.
I'm very happy to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Give it up for Zainab Johnson! Coming up, a dating disaster.
She was tearing up this food, you know.
"What's this brown, chewy thing?" I'm like, "That's an egg roll.
" "What's this white, crunchy thing?" I'm like, "That's the plate.
" A hopeless romantic.
You know you're too young to be married when you're at your own wedding reception like this, "Damn.
There's some women up in here.
" And later, some tough love.
I wish you had wanted it harder, you know what I mean? 'Cause these are semifinals, you know.
We are back! Tonight, the comics are battling for a spot in our top ten.
Okay, let's get to our next comic! DC Benny is the tall veteran comedian from DC, who even made tai chi entertaining.
I see this old man doing tai chi.
I'm like, "That's cool.
" Then I look closer.
It's not an old man doing tai chi.
It's one of those heroin guys that never falls over.
Let's see what insight Wanda has for DC.
So in the supermarket where we live, there's a little sushi corner.
I go in there one day, "What's up with the unagi?" He's like, "Unagi.
Unagi good.
You can freakadeak all night.
Woman no more talk smack.
Unagi powers.
" I tell long stories.
You know, I don't talk about sort of ironic observations and stuff like that.
I talk about my life and things that have happened.
If you're gonna tell one story, one long story, - just make sure it builds.
- It builds, yeah.
Duly noted.
I was a little surprised about how helpful the mentor stuff was.
Because I had chosen a bit, initially, that was sort of intermittent periods of funniness.
And I totally scrapped that set and then brought in something probably a little bit more accessible.
DC Benny, baby! Everybody in my high school used to hang out at Popeyes Fried Chicken 'cause the biscuits were good.
Like, you could buy weed with the biscuits.
People would gamble, "I got six biscuits," you know.
So I went into the Popeyes one day in high school.
There was this girl who worked there named Lawanda, who was a cheerleader, but she weighed, like, 380, so she didn't cheerlead too hard, you know.
So I ordered some chicken.
I looked down on my platter.
She had put, like, six biscuits on my platter.
I was like, "I didn't order those biscuits.
" She's like, "Ix-nay free-nay on the bisc-ay.
" I was like, "What?" She's like, "Baby, it's a hookup.
Take the biscuits.
" So the next day, I'm walking around school.
I hear this voice, "Baby, I gave you biscuits.
What you think, biscuits grow on trees? Biscuits.
B-I-S-skits.
" She told her brother, No-Neck.
He came up to me after class, like, "Yo, I understand my sister gave you biscuits.
You didn't reciprocate.
" I was like, "Dang," 'cause he had a space, and spit would shoot out.
And he said, "Well, you're gonna take her to the prom.
" I was like, "All right.
" So the night of prom came.
I knock on their apartment door.
No-Neck comes to the door.
He's like, "Whatever you do, do not bring her home hungry.
" I'm like, "Okay.
" So we went to this Chinese restaurant she had picked out.
Apparently, she'd been there before, because we walk in, the whole staff goes crazy.
"Lawanda here! Lawanda here! Put the extra cook on grill.
Lawanda here! Hello, Lawanda.
" "How y'all doing?" And she was tearing up this food, you know.
"What's this brown, chewy thing?" I'm like, "That's an egg roll.
" "What's this white, crunchy thing?" I'm like, "That's the plate.
" You gotta pace yourself.
So we went to the prom.
We danced.
We had a nice time.
And then the evening started winding down.
So I went to go drop her off.
I was like, "Well, Lawanda, I had a beautiful time.
I just want to say good night.
" She's like, "Oh, no, baby.
The evening ain't over yet.
The biscuits going in the gravy.
" Ooh.
I was like, "Can't we just be friends?" She's like, "What are you, gay?" I was like, "Can you keep a secret?" I'm DC Benny.
That's DC Benny! So you did all these great characters tonight, which was really, really funny.
But you did them with your voice.
There was a moment where you actually jumped up.
And I thought, "Okay.
He's gonna start to act them out.
" That's your next phase.
Unbutton that jacket and go ahead and do it, because all of that is in you.
It's already hilarious, but if you actually physically do those characters, that's gonna take it up another notch.
- You did a great job.
- Thank you, man.
Thank you, man.
I'm so impressed.
I mean, like, so blown away.
You know, it wasn't what I expected at all.
I liked you last time, but, boy-- your dialect and characters.
You blew my mind.
It was fantastic.
You know what? Wow, is what I want to tell you.
'Cause, yeah, you had a good set on the first time we saw you, and you had an amazing set tonight.
The way you describe Lawanda, we never saw her, but you even made us say, "Ew," and we didn't know what she looked like.
Like when you said, "It's not over," I was like, "Ew.
" And then-- and I was like, "We don't even know what she looks like.
" It was a great set, DC.
Amazing.
Good job, buddy.
Thank you, bud.
One more time for DC Benny! I'm a little anxious, but I'm also excited to get out there and have some fun.
We got a black president.
And I have always envisioned a black man on some money.
I'm like, "Can I just get one, Lord? Just one that I can relate to?" 'Cause I've always had to look up to the penny as my black representative.
Look at the penny's story.
It's the only coin that's a different color from the rest of the gang.
Right? Secondly, it has the least value of all the coins.
Thirdly, it's not accepted in vending machines, parking meters, or pay phones.
Otherwise, saying, "We don't serve your kind, penny.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah, come on in, quarter, nickel, and dime.
We got drinks in the back.
Penny, slow your roll, dog.
What the hell I just say? Wishing wells and fountains down the street, brother.
" You guys, 1/3 of our country is currently obese.
last year, my bike got stolen.
Everyone's like, "Did you keep it someplace safe?" "Yeah, I did.
America.
" Yeah.
Thank you.
I thought, "I'll just leave it by this treadmill.
" I'm single now, looking to get back out there.
Trying to be in a faithful relationship.
I used to cheat.
Used to cheat real hard.
I don't cheat no more.
Cheat no more.
I don't condone it.
Don't condone it.
But I will say this.
Ladies, if you are going to cheat, please be responsible, okay? Be responsible and do it with somebody who look like your man.
That way, if you get pregnant, you got about a 90% chance of getting away with it.
My buddy actually recently got propositioned by a prostitute.
Oral sex for $40.
I told my wife about it.
She goes, "$40.
She must think she's pretty good at that.
" I'm sorry, what? That is a tragically low amount of money.
Also, that's all that's been holding you back all these years is $40? 'Cause now that I know that's my wife's price range, I spend a lot of time trying to give her $40.
My wife won't let me near.
I don't know why I made that noise.
That's not apropos.
Not near the goods during that time of the month, mainly because the first time I saw a string hanging out of it, I said, "Oh, good.
You caught the mouse.
" I don't get it.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
I don't get the mouse joke.
It looks like a rat tail.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Roseanne's from a different era.
- She's pre-string.
- Yeah.
You've got dark humor.
I don't know, I just-- the mouse thing is turning me off.
One more time for Dave Landau! Coming up, Nikki Carr makes a case for wrongful termination.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
Welcome back to the semifinals ofLast Comic Standing.
Let's keep this comedy coming with our next comic.
Nikki Carr is the animated comedienne from the Bronx whose jokes about being big earn big laughs.
How can anybody go on a diet as good as food is? Food is delicious.
Let's see if Wanda can guide Nikki to the big time.
I was born in New York City, raised right off the coast of Puerto Rico.
This little teeny island called "The Bronx.
" And, you know, I'm not making fun of the fact that there are a lot of Puerto Ricans in the Bronx, 'cause that is a cool thing, because the two-- Um I think you need to get to a joke faster.
My hero-- excuse me, my she-ro.
Wanda Sykes' feedback definitely helped me.
And the ending, you need a bigger ending.
- So - I need a bigger ending? You-- Yeah.
The experience will go all the way with me for the rest of my life.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Give it up for Nikki Carr! Thank you.
You know, comedy is the easiest job I've ever had.
Two simple rules-- be yourself and have a good time.
And people pay you for it.
My last job, nine hard years.
And do you know they fired me for nothing? True story.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
I know.
Before that, I got fired from another job that I loved.
I used to sell fried chicken.
Chicken was delicious, but the rules, impossible.
They said, "Every piece get counted at the end of the night, and then we throw it away.
" I said, "You do? Well, do I look like I throw away fried chicken?" Every time I went to the bathroom, I had to steal four or five pieces of this chicken.
It was against the rules to eat it.
Can you believe that? That's so dumb.
I don't understand why we couldn't count the chicken, eat it, and throw the bones in the garbage.
That's the same amount of chicken, ain't it? Big girls got it rough.
Do you know we only get dates from Thanksgiving to June 1st? Did you know that? Yeah, you keep them warm all winter.
Soon as June come in, they got excuses why they won't come by.
One time June came, and it was freezing cold.
I call up the same person I'm keeping warm all winter, but now that it's June, he has excuses why he won't come.
I call up, I go, "Hey, how you doing? Yeah, this is Nikki.
I would really love to see you.
" He said, "I wanna see you too.
But gas is so high this week.
You know I drive that big truck.
" I was astonished.
I said, "I don't care what you drive.
You live upstairs.
You can't come down 15"-- That's my time.
I'm Nikki Carr.
Thank you.
Nikki Carr! Whoo! Nikki Carr, you continue to amaze me.
Thank you.
I understand that chicken joke 'cause I used to work at KFC - back in the day, so yeah - Yeah.
- It was a weird thing.
- What a stupid rule.
I'm from a third-world family.
We can't just throw away food like that.
Okay, isn't that a sin or something? Forcing me to steal chicken, I don't Great stuff.
I was very happy to see you.
Roseanne, Nikki Carr.
Well, you topped yourself from last time.
Yay.
You have so much power, so much swagger, and you just took us by the throat, right, and shook us the whole time.
I love you.
- Thank you.
- You're great.
Thank you.
I love you back.
I do.
Here's what's interesting-- your last set, I was like, "Okay, did she give us all she got?" You know, and that's gonna be the test tonight, is, can you top yourself? And we've seen people who came back and weren't able to do it.
You came out.
You had great confidence.
Your energy level was unbelievable.
- Wow.
- You had engaged the audience right away, and you never let them go.
I thought you did a great job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Nikki Carr! - Whoo! I can't believe this.
I still feel like I'm dreaming.
The judges just touched me to tears, actually.
I'm a little bit scared.
Now I have to even step up my game more.
People in LA are pretty great, they are, except they always want me to give them money for a cause.
And I'm like, "I'm a gay, bipolar Jew with a lazy eye.
I am Yeah, I am the cause.
" Actually there is one cause.
There is one cause that's very close to my heart.
This year I lost a few friends to babies.
Very very debilitating disease.
Suffer from exhaustion.
My question is, "Why?" Why do we congratulate people when they have kids? Shouldn't we wait and see how they turn out first? Yeah.
And don't get me wrong, 'cause I like a lot of my friends' kids.
I do.
I like a lot of them.
But then there's always those one or two, where you're like, that one should have been CENSORED.
Going through a divorce.
I'm happy.
Oh, anybody happy? Whoo! Whoo! Got married too young.
You know you're too young to be married, when you're at your own wedding reception, like this "Damn! There's some women up in here.
" I'm getting phone numbers.
I'm like, "Hey, baby.
What's your name? Who? My wedd-- It's my reception?" My wedding-- my marriage was so bad, I used to watch my wedding tape backwards.
Used to watch it in reverse.
Watch me walk out the church.
Used to watch me get my ring off her finger.
Get my deposit money back from the tuxedos.
I had a really bad allergic reaction last fall, Landed me in the ER.
I didn't know what I was allergic to.
So I went to an allergist, and he said, "Erin, I want to put you through a full set of allergy testing.
We're gonna test you for everything, for plants, for animals, and common food allergies, like eggs, nuts, and shellfish.
" All right, but he tells me because I don't have health insurance that it's gonna cost me $950.
And I didn't have it, so I was like, try to work with me, doc.
How about this? "How about I go to the grocery store, and I buy some eggs, nuts, and shellfish? And then I let you watch me eat them.
We can do it under a birch tree while you rub a kitten on my face, but I need that price to come down.
" I'm surprised anybody is attracted to men.
Even women aren't really attracted to us.
Like, men want to see a woman naked.
Women want to see a man in a suit.
They wanna cover that up as much as they can.
It's like, "Oh, that shirt is so hot.
" "You want me to take it off?" "No.
Put on another layer.
" That's why when women flash, it's called Girls Gone Wild.
When men flash, it's called America's Most Wanted.
All right, guys.
That is it for me.
Thank you very much.
I liked your set, but I felt it lacked the punch that you had last time.
And this time it was kind of like you went, "All right, I can probably get by on this.
" And it's the semifinals now, and you gotta really come swinging.
That's my only criticism for you.
You had a great set, otherwise.
Okay, thank you.
That's Alingon Mitra! Up next, tensions rise.
These are semifinals, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, you know what I mean? As the semifinals heat up.
I wish you would have got couple laughs like that during your set.
Welcome back! Welcome back! In his first performance, Rocky Laporte turned little things into big laughs.
Take a look.
Rocky Laporte is the laid-back grandpa who wants to spend more time with his grandkids.
It would be unbelievable for me to winLast Comic Standing.
Get me off the road and be home with my family.
I go, "You know Mike Smith?" He goes, "Oh, I know Denise Smith.
" I go, "Yeah, that's the guy.
" Let's see if Wanda can help Rocky go the distance.
Keenen said, "Reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield.
Great sarcasm.
" He did say that you should, like, pick up the pace a little bit.
- Yeah.
- I think this is what he was talking about.
I end up in front of this judge.
I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
He goes-- uh, he goes, "Do you have counsel?" I'm like, "I got a stick shift.
" I know your style.
You wait a little second, because sometimes, you know, it takes a second - for the audience to catch it.
- Yeah.
But as soon as you get that big laugh, jump back on them.
Okay, I'm gonna let them have it this show.
You will definitely just kill all the way through.
Wanda's great, you know.
Look at all those years of experience making people laugh.
And she's passing it on to you.
Where else can you get something like that? I really believe it did help me, a lot.
Rocky Laporte, baby! I was in Orange County yesterday, you know, and I went to the CENSORED zoo.
You ever been there? Uh, what a piece of crap that place is.
They got, like, four birds and a squirrel.
You ever been in there? They didn't even have good animals.
There was, like, a lizard or something ran by.
I'm like, "What the hell's that?" Guy goes, "That's not ours.
" He goes, "You see the bird exhibit?" I'm like, "Yeah, that's a nice duck.
" A zoo.
It was like two guys got together and were like, "Hey, I got a dog, and you got a bird.
Freakin' let's have a zoo.
Come on, call up Jimmy, and tell him to bring his cat.
" Then they charge you to get in there, do you believe that? It's, like, $8.
It comes out to, like, a buck an animal.
They had a sign in the bathroom that said, "No Smoking Or Eating.
" Who the hell's gonna eat in the bathroom at a zoo? Be like, "Hey, the zoo don't smell bad enough.
Let's grab a snack in the john.
" And whose job is it to go in there and check on that, you know? They're like, "Hey, Jimmy.
When you're done washing the duck, go to the bathroom, make sure nobody's eating in there, will you?" I love animals.
I was dating this girl for a while, you know.
She loved animals and outdoors, and she always wanted to go camping, you know.
She said, "Let's go camping.
We'll sleep outside.
" I'm like, "I don't want to sleep outside.
That's why I work.
" She's like, "All right, we'll get a cabin.
" They didn't even have showers in this thing.
And we're hiking for, like, three days.
We're all slimy.
Like, we can't even take a bath.
And she's like, "Hey, let's, uh, let's make love.
" I'm like, "Make love? Like, we'll burst into flames.
What the hell are you talking about?" I'm like, "We'll start a grease fire, you idiot.
" Thank you very much.
Rocky Laporte! Roseanne.
I like your insight into the mundane and everything like that.
I just wish you had been, um, you know, I wish you had wanted it harder.
- You know what I mean? - Oh.
I wish you would have brought it more and, like, - really punched through - Oh, ye-- 'cause these are semifinals, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? I wish you would have got a couple laughs like that during your set.
But you're funny, and I enjoyed it.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, Rocky, I enjoyed you last time, and this time, I thought you were very funny as well.
I just felt that you started a little too slow.
In a competitive environment, we got people coming out who are bringing it from the opening bell.
Doesn't say that you didn't have a good set and that you're not funny, it's just, you know, our wish was that you just brought it from the first joke on.
I'm becoming a big Rocky Laporte fan.
- Well, thank you.
- From-- from, uh You have that funny energy that-- even-- you could be like-- you could literally be like, "Hey, I just got a phone call.
" And I'd be like, "That's hilarious.
He got a phone call.
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
" - You know.
- Thank you.
- But I enjoyed your set, 100%.
- Thank you very much.
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! I thought the audience really liked me, you know.
I mean, that's my pace.
That's what I do.
And I guess it's up to them.
It's in the judges' hands, you know.
Coming up, did we save the best for last? I try to drink responsibly, but one night, evidently my car was drinking while I was in the club 'cause I get back in the car, and we are all over the road.
And later, find out which comics are advancing to the top ten.
Let's not stop the comedy.
Right now, let's see how Wanda checked out Rod Man.
Rod Man is the high energy Georgian whose bit about long-ass receipts at the pharmacy was a prescription for laughter.
Yeah, I be like, "Man, this is way too much receipt, uh, for a pack of gum.
" Rod Man set the bar high.
Now let's see if Wanda can help him live up to the hype.
I don't do starstruck, but I'm having a moment right now.
- Really? - Yeah, it's 'cause I see you all the time, so I'm having a moment.
Yeah, that's Wanda right there.
That's Wanda.
That's what I want to do.
That's Wanda.
So you wanna show me a little bit of what you're gonna do? - Just me and you? - Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
A lot of traffic.
Traffic is not-- I'm, you know-- you gotta ride around a lot.
All the lanes be full.
I'm a big fan of the carpool lane.
I ain't gotta have people in the car with me.
I just see that it's clear.
I get in it and start to ride.
I don't have a problem.
I pay taxes.
I should be able to ride in this damn lane without another person in the vehicle.
They didn't put no gas in.
- The carpool lane.
- Yes.
You're a fan of the carpool lane.
- Right.
- We didn't need all that stuff in there about taxes, so I don't need somebody in my car.
- Okay.
- Just some of your setups-- Don't get rid of them.
Just trim them.
Okay.
Don't be so wordy.
Wanda, appreciate that.
I'll talk to you on the next mental session.
Rod Man! Ah, ah.
All right.
All right.
This is beautiful to be here tonight.
It's a beautiful experience.
LA, a lot of traffic in LA.
All the lanes be full all the time.
I don't know why they be full, but I like the carpool lane.
I'm a big fan of the carpool lane 'cause everybody seem to be moving in that lane.
And, uh, I was riding good in the carpool lane one day, and a little police on a motorcycle, uh, get behind me.
In a hurry.
And I said, "Man, he is after somebody.
Let me, uh, get out the way.
" Yeah, I'm trying to get out the way, but he pulls right behind me.
So I'm like, "Well, maybe I'm a witness or something.
I don't know what's going on, but I'll help him.
" And he came up to the car, and he's like, "Uh, sir, you can't be in this lane unless you have another occupant in the vehicle.
" And I said, "Man, you are using thesaurus words right there, 'cause you don't hear 'Occupant' every day.
" Yeah, so, uh, I was like, "No, Officer, I know I can't be in this lane without another occupant.
" But I looked at him, and I looked at his motorcycle, and I say, "Uh, you don't have another occupant on your motorcycle, so"-- Yeah, so I was like, "Matter of fact, why don't you leave your motorcycle and get in the car with me? And then that way we both will be in compliance.
" That's what I'm saying.
Gotta be in compliance with the law.
And I know we like to go out and have drinks, people.
But drink responsibly.
You see the commercial.
Drink responsibly, and I say that from experience, 'cause I like to go out every once in a while, and I try to drink responsibly.
But one night, I think I had a little too much.
And evidently my car was drinking while I was in the club 'cause I get back in the car, and we are all over the road.
And I said, "Man, this is not-- This is not going well.
" I'm like, "Let me pull myself over.
" So I pull myself over, but evidently, the police see me pull myself over, and he tried to come take over my pull over.
And I said, "Man, what are you doing, Officer?" 'Cause he was like, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And I said, "First of all, Officer, you did not pull me over.
You can't take credit for this apprehension right here.
This is my-- this is my call, right here.
" And he said, "Well, I pulled you over for suspicion of DUI.
" And I said, "Well, that's the same damn reason I pulled me over, right there, so, yeah.
So I think we're on the same page.
" I was like, "You can go ahead and ride on.
" But, uh, no.
He wanted me to take a test.
That's what he told me.
"I'm gonna need you to take a test tonight.
" And he called it a field sobriety test, and I told him, I said, "I don't think this would be a good night for me to take the test, 'cause, yeah.
'Cause I wanna pass.
I wanna pass.
I wanna pass.
I wanna pass.
I'm not trying to fail.
I'm trying to pass.
" Hey, I've been Rod Man, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Much love.
Thank y'all very much, man.
- Rod Man, everybody! - Appreciate it.
Thank y'all.
Appreciate it.
What's up, boy? - Whoo! - We did it.
We did it.
Wow, thank you.
Thank you.
Keenen.
You came out here.
You had that energy.
You grabbed the audience right away.
You never let go, you never backed down, and we heard the applause and laughter, and that's what time it is.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've got an unusual delivery that none of us have ever seen before, and it's like, "Good God, look at him go.
" You make great observations about very mundane things that every other comic on Earth misses by a mile.
But you bring it home, and you're great.
- I loved it.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I'm hot.
- RP.
- Russell.
Russell.
- Rod Man.
Rod Man, let me tell you something, man.
Tell me something, Russell.
You-- you killed that CENSORED just now.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- You're really - Thank you.
Thank you.
You are the new occupant of this building.
- Good job.
- Thank you, Russell.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
One more time for Rod Man! Rod Man in the building.
All right.
The comedy might be over, but the drama is about to begin.
The fate of tonight's semifinalists is now in the hands of our celebrity judges.
Come on back, y'all.
Come on back.
- For sure, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Right? - Yeah.
Yeah, she came out right away.
Yeah, she was excellent.
That's my note, "Excellent.
" Yeah, I love the potential of him.
I think he's running out of gas, though.
- Him? - No way.
- No.
- No? No.
I mean, you can disagree.
Oh, welcome back toLast Comic Standing.
We just watched our second group of semifinalists perform.
America, if one of your favorites doesn't make it into the top ten, you can still see them perform in our Comic Comeback online competition.
Go to nbc.
com for more information and to vote for your favorite.
Now, let's not keep anyone waiting any longer.
Comics, when I call your name, please step forward.
Lachlan Patterson! I just advanced.
I know I'm supposed to be excited, but I'm kind of freaking out a bit.
Rocky Laporte! It's unbelievable.
Like, I-- I don't even know if I have words.
I think the audience helped pull me through, you know.
Like, they started chanting my name at the end, you know.
DC Benny, baby! I'm very tired, so it may not show in my face, but I am extremely excited to advance.
Nikki Carr! I'm so excited.
All this hard work this last Rod Man! We back.
We back.
I don't know where I been, but I'm back.
Don't forget to go to nbc.
com to vote for your favorite eliminated comic.
The winner of that contest will come back to perform a guest set on the season finale.
Five comedians from tonight's semifinals have moved on.
They'll join the previous five comedians to form the top ten and move into the challenge round.
Next week, the competition shifts into high gear as our top ten enter the challenge round.
We are officially on the lot.
Now it's serious.
Somebody in this group of people is gonna win this show.
Each week, the comics will face a surprising challenge I think everybody's a little bit leery of the unknown.
that will put all of their comedic skills to the test.
You will be a tour guide at Universal Studios.
Welcome to the Last Comic Standing challenge "Sketchy Situation.
" Welcome everybody, to the Last Comic Standing roast.
And show us just who's ready for the big time.
I will interview three of the finalists to see which comic makes the best talk show guest.
One, two, three-- Go for it! It's going to be a wild ride, so don't miss it.