Last Man Standing s08e05 Episode Script

1 (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hey, Carol.
Hey, Chuck.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Come on in.
You guys are early.
Uh, we're always early.
I'm a Marine, Carol's a principal.
- We're on-time people.
- (MIKE CHUCKLES) Nah, I was late one time in my life.
Now he's a sophomore in college.
(CHUCK CHUCKLES) - Come on in, guys.
- All right.
- Where's Vanessa? - Uh, she's also late.
Not your kind of late, but, uh, her tutoring business has pretty much outgrown the house, so she's driving around and teaching kids.
She is the only person I know making money in education.
Well, based on my taxes, somebody's getting rich.
(CHUCKLES) Look, look, we made it a minute before Baxter complained about taxes.
And in that minute, I bet they went up again.
(CHUCKLES) Listen, while she's not here, maybe one of you two can help me out with a little gift idea.
- Oh, what's the occasion? - Uh, well, her tutoring business is three years old this week, so I want to get her a little something.
- CAROL: Mm.
- Oh, you need help? God's gift to gift-giving? Yeah, well, I keep upping my game.
I'm like Evel Knievel going, "Hey, let's add another bus".
(CHUCK LAUGHS) - That's just so thoughtful.
- I am.
I've been a principal for two years, and my husband hasn't gotten me squat.
Look at that.
I mention "bus", you get tossed under it.
Next time, we wait till we see Vanessa's car in the driveway before we knock on the door.
Hey! Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
- Been flying all over town.
My last two kids are ten miles apart.
I have to leave the Wilsons at 4:31 to get to the Jacksons at 4:51.
So, who can tell me my average speed? Honey you're, you're still in tutor mode.
- You're off the clock.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES) - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
All right.
- Mwah.
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.
I'm all for that.
(CLEARS THROAT) You could tell us all about your day over some egg rolls.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Thirty! 30 miles an hour.
That-that that's the average speed.
That is correct, Mike.
- You get a sticker.
- Great.
I got five stickers.
I get ten, she's gonna give me a-a, uh-uh-uh You don't need to know that.
Oh.
Hey, hey, hey, Baxter.
I got an idea for a gift for Vanessa.
- Oh, good.
- Uh, a pen.
- A pen? - Yeah, a pen.
Wow.
Next year, I could get her some paper.
You're an idiot.
I meant, like, a nice pen.
You know, I actually outdid myself.
I got her something this morning.
- What is it? Huh? - Uh, look at that.
Well, if that's the key to your heart, you're gonna get a kick in the nuts.
On the way to the dinner the other night, I noticed a little office space for lease.
Perfect for a small tutoring business.
Leased it this morning.
So, you got her a place to work.
No, no, no.
This is tender, special and particular.
Testicular.
Well, it sounds a lot like the time when I got Carol a vacuum cleaner.
I got real good at using it.
Good morning, Kristin.
Now that I sell my athleisure line in the store, I get to drink the employee coffee.
It's delicious.
Yeah, uh, I just cleaned the pot.
You're mostly drinking vinegar.
I know.
Hi, honey.
Oh, no, no, nope, no, I'm not "honey".
I'm here on official HR business, so I'm "Mr.
Anderson".
Well, is one of us in trouble? I don't know.
What'd you do? Wait.
No, no, don't tell me, 'cause then I'll have to start a file, and then once you have a file, there's no going back.
Well, why are you here, Mr.
Anderson? Well, I was looking at your record, and you never took the employee orientation.
- What's that? - Everyone takes it.
You learn about company policy and workplace safety and, um, dress code.
Side note that skirt is probably too short.
Watch it.
Yeah, but I mean, I'm your wife, so I probably don't have to take that orientation, right? (CHUCKLES) Wrong.
Mandatory.
(LAUGHING) I bet Kristin didn't take it.
I most certainly did.
Well, Kristin most certainly did not.
Good catch, Mandy.
I'm going to kill you.
Okay, so, side note that's a threat, which is a huge no-no.
But you'll hear more about that tomorrow at noon in the conference room.
Oh, and wear comfy clothes.
There will be activities.
I love our regular dinners with you guys, but, uh, honey, where are we? What is this some-some office-themed restaurant? Oh, I hope we're not eating out of vending machines.
I already had expired yogurt - and Mentos for lunch.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, prepare to be amazed Suite 104.
This has got "vacuum cleaner" written all over it.
Well, congratulations on three years of Vanessa Baxter Tutoring.
Welcome to your new office.
You rented this for me? Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my Mike, oh This is so thoughtful.
- So, do you like it? - I do.
Oh, my - I love it.
I love it.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, okay, okay.
So, you proved me wrong and made your wife happy.
The place has already paid for itself.
Think of all the science experiments you'll have in here.
I mean (SNIFFS) it's starting to smell a lot - like nerd already.
- (CHUCKLES) This is an awesome gift, Mike.
You saw what your wife needed, - and you got it for her.
- Yeah.
I sure hope the other men in this room are taking notes.
Now it's paid for itself.
You have gotten me some amazing gifts over the years, but you have really outdone yourself - on this one.
- Okay.
But I'm not done yet.
- Oh.
- Chuck, I need a little hand - bringing in the grand finale.
- (SCOFFS) - (SIGHS) - (GASPS) - There's a finale? - (VANESSA CHUCKLES) I vacuumed the house before we left.
Did you see that? (SIGHS) Vanessa, this is something else! - I - You have built an empire.
Well, I don't know if I built an empire, but I-I've done pretty well.
I-I get more students every month.
Well, maybe you have me to thank for your booming business.
- (CHUCKLES) - 'Cause if my school wasn't floundering, you wouldn't be so in demand.
- (CHUCKLES) - I mean, I-I don't know.
I-I think maybe my students love to learn.
Oh, yeah, that's a book on teenagers.
"They love to learn".
But, hey, you know, I'm-I'm so happy you're doing this.
- Oh.
- 'Cause the state made more cutbacks.
So, I'm glad, 'cause at least some of the kids will be getting a decent education.
Well, thank you.
I think.
You know what, forget I said anything.
- Let's just celebrate your success, okay? - W-Wait, no, but-but-but the success that I'm apparently only earning because the school system's failing.
Vanessa, no! I mean, yes, but no.
No, I-I'm being a downer.
It's just we got next year's budget and (SIGHS) oh (SPUTTERS) it's gonna be brutal.
Oh.
Well, great, great.
Because, because the worse it is for students, the better it is for me, and I'm I am such a monster.
- You are not responsible for the bureaucracy.
- I-I know.
- But - It is what it is, Vanessa.
Pl Listen, if you can make a buck or two off of this lousy, broken system, - then I say go for it.
- No.
No.
So, um, hey, this is exciting, right? Mm.
- Set it over there.
- Okay.
Okay.
Ready for your future, honey? - CHUCK: Mm-hmm.
- (EXHALES) All right.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah.
"Vanessa Baxter.
She starts where school stops".
Oh, this is a nightmare.
You know what, Mike, I'm sorry.
It's - it's just not gonna work.
Just no.
- Hey.
- Not gonna work.
- Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
How long have we been gone? Howdy-hoo! You know, some men can enter a room without saying anything.
Yes, but then how would you know when he's in a good Mood? Uh, quarterlies for the pot shop.
We are on track for the best quarter yet.
Good.
Hey, great, actually.
You know, you may be able to help me with something.
I want to convince Vanessa that she's crazy.
Wait, you want me to be a pawn in one of your evil little head games? Why's it have to be a pawn? I'm just It's just a plan.
Oh, no, no, I'm gonna do it.
I never get to be a part of the evil little head games.
I'm always the victim.
Well, the day is still young.
- Huh.
- Okay, here's the deal.
She thinks that her tutoring business is profiting off the back of a broken school system.
But it's not? Yeah, it is.
But it's fine, because she's providing a valuable service, right? - (SMACKS LIPS) Oh.
- (STAMMERS) She thinks she's a vulture capitalist.
Why do people say that like that's a bad thing? Without the vulture, the desert would be littered with dead cowboys.
All right.
I'm in.
What's the play? Ooh! Does my character have an "ock-cent"? Yes.
Yes.
You're from Dumb-landia.
Uh, you moved me out of Moron-ville? Well, you-you have a dual citizenship, okay? Here's the truth.
You know, you used to be a card-carrying commie, right? Then you turned into a capitalist 'cause your business turned a profit.
Well, it's not really that simple, Mike.
Well, it's not that complicated either.
We just have to convince my wife that it's okay to succeed.
I got you, bro.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, Ryan! What are you doing here? Oh, uh, quarterly meeting with the boss.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Uh, turns out the pot shop's turning quite a nice profit.
Yep, you know me.
All about bagging them Benjamins.
But y-you remember you were struggling with your conscience about that initially, right? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll admit, it was, it was tough.
You know? Uh, running a successful business is quite the moral quandary.
It's like, what do you do with all that money? But, ultimately, I realized it was a good thing.
Yeah.
Greed is good.
Why did we stop saying that? Well, you never did.
Um, so, so, what did you do, Ryan? Well, remember last year when I was freaking out about the bees? No, but it's certainly in character.
They are facing extinction, and I really wanted to help.
But there was not much that I could do other than post about it.
So, when the pot shop took off, I was able to donate some of the money to organizations that help keep bees alive.
Hmm.
Was one of them called the Bees' Needs? (COUGHS) (SUCKS AIR THROUGH TEETH) Yeah.
Yeah, no, no, Ryan's right.
You're right.
And I've been thinking along the same lines, too.
There is a way to run my tutoring business and feel good about it at the same time.
Wow, I knew there was a capitalist - under those sweet curls.
- No, no, no.
No.
No, no.
- Yeah.
- I-I'm going to donate all the tutoring money to Carol's school.
- You're what? - Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
You know what else? You don't need the office, either.
You could donate that money to Carol's school, too.
That's a great idea.
That is great.
Oh, wow.
Wow, thank you.
You know what? I-I I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hey, hold, wait, yeah, hold (VANESSA LAUGHS) Hey, hold Wait.
The Memorial Day sale here at Outdoor Man kicks off the summer season, which is only a few short weeks away from Anybody? Anybody? That's right the Outdoor Man family picnic! Uh, show of hands.
Who likes a sack race? The family picnic is one of our four most-sponsored galleries we have for employees throughout the year - (KYLE CONTINUES INAUDIBLY) - How is he still talking? He's been at this for hours.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm getting roped in to a time-share.
Let's make a break for it.
- What? You mean leave? - Yeah.
- He would see us.
- I know.
I have an idea.
Mr.
Anderson? My sister's experiencing some pregnancy lady stuff.
What Lady stuff? What is it? Oh, wait, wait.
It's medical.
I can't ask about that.
It's it's fine.
It's just (GROANING): Oh, oh, yeah Oh, it hurts a little bit.
- Ow.
- Kris, Kris, we really need to get ahold of your O.
B.
Wan Kenobi.
Right, my doctor.
Dr.
Kenobi.
Oh, yeah, we should we should call him right away.
- Do you guys need any help? - Oh, no, no, no.
We'll be fine.
Just mark down that we were here.
Enjoy the activities, everybody.
Aw, now they know.
- Mike.
- Hey, Carol.
I just want to say this donation is really gonna help our school.
We owe Vanessa the biggest thank you.
My name is on the check, too.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Mike.
I assume this mess on the lower right is your signature.
You know, when the check gets to be a certain amount, my hand fights me.
Stop it, stop it.
You should really feel good about this, Mike.
Well, it's really not about me.
It's about making my wife happy.
Now, I know Chuck doesn't believe in that sort of thing, but some of us are different.
Oh, hey, I want to say sorry if I put a damper on your gift the other night.
You didn't put a damper on it, Carol.
You flat-out ruined it.
I was just telling her the truth.
The schools aren't cutting it, and until they get it together, her tutoring business is better than nothing.
God, I should have put that on the card.
"Congratulations on the new tutoring business.
It's better than nothing, honey".
No.
No, it's those idiots in the state assembly.
They keep cutting the public school budget.
Public schools, public transportation, public restrooms.
When it has the word "public" in it, it's probably a mess.
Hey, sweetie, ready for lunch? - Yeah.
- We should probably let Baxter get to the store to do some gift shopping.
Yeah.
I should buy her a pen like you told me to.
Hear that, Carol? He thinks I should buy my wife a pen.
What is wrong with you? Well, I meant, like, a nice pen.
With, like, a leather case and Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man, talking about education.
Don't click away! Don't click.
Listen.
When I was a kid at Lincoln High School, it was like this big fat hoagie, stuffed with everything you needed, man.
We had-we had shop class, where I learned to carve my name in a board with a router.
Then I hit my friend Paul with it.
(CHUCKLES) We had driver's ed, where I learned to drive a car.
And then I hit my friend Paul with it.
We even had auto shop, where I learned how to pound out a Paul-shaped dent.
Why is that? That's because that's what our parents' taxes paid for.
Now, let me show you what our taxes pay for today.
Look at that.
Wood shop? No more, huh? Auto shop? Forget about it.
Civics? What's that? Home ec, the only place to meet women? Forget about that.
Music? Buh-bye.
What do you got left? Two pieces of bread.
If you're in California, it's gluten-free, made of kale, and nobody's eating this stuff.
Even a marine iguana won't eat it, and they'll eat anything.
Shouldn't our tax dollars go into putting delicious hoagies back in the hands of our kids? Otherwise, who is going to hit Paul's kids? Uh, Baxter out.
Hey, Kristin.
Mandy told me you're feeling better.
I'm so glad.
Yeah, yeah.
Way better.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you for letting me leave early the other day.
It-it really helped.
And I helped, too, because we left together, even though I was loving that crazy class, babe.
So fun.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a pretty special group.
In fact, um, we made you this card.
Oh.
Uh "Dear Kristin, we are so glad you are taking care of your family, because you are part of our family".
That is so sweet.
Look, Mandy, they made me a card.
They didn't make it, they just signed it.
No.
No, they made it.
And, uh, everyone put their phone numbers on the back - in case you need anything.
- (GASPS) Really? I I didn't mean to worry anybody.
You worried me.
(WHISPERING): You're worrying me now.
(SIGHS) Look, Kyle, I-I have to tell you something.
I There was no doctor.
There was no lady stuff.
It was it was all just a lie to get out of the orientation.
(CHUCKLES) You lied to me to get out of that super cool class? Who even are you? I don't understand.
Why would you want to get out of it? Well, because I thought it was all just about store stuff.
And since I grew up in here, I thought I knew everything.
But it's not, is it? It's about everybody who works here being a family.
Yes.
That's exactly what it's about.
So I think I need to take it over.
(SIGHS) What you just said shows me that you don't need to.
You learned the lesson another way.
Yay, everything's good.
We should go.
- As for you - No, no, no.
I get it, right? So we're a big family and we make cards and we don't lie.
No.
I don't think you get it.
So you will be taking the orientation again, and another class on employee ethics.
What? No, you can't do that to me, Kyle.
- I'm your wife.
- No, not here.
Here you're just a problem employee.
And I'm starting a file on you, missy.
I still love you.
(MOUTHING) Mike, I already told you I don't want the tutoring office.
I understand.
Come in here for a second, okay? - No big deal.
- (SIGHS) Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Now, listen - All right.
What is this? You want to make a difference in kids' lives, right? Right, by-by donating to the school.
Yeah, but we know our donation's only gonna go so far, and schools aren't that high on the government's to-do list.
Yeah, but at least it's something.
Look, kids don't have millions of dollars to donate to candidates, and they don't have lobbyists fighting for them.
Because they don't see the upside.
The upside? No.
They're our future.
And if you ask me, that is the investment we should be making as a society.
Good point, but nobody's gonna ask you, are they? So you're going to have to tell them.
Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
You want me to run for office? Well, you have a passion for kids.
I know you can make a difference.
But you hate government.
Boy, do I hate government.
But capitalism only works in a functioning democracy.
Wow, maybe you should run for something.
Ooh.
Way too many skeletons.
But you can have your campaign headquarters right here.
I've got it paid for at least for another month.
- Well, say I did run.
Okay? - Uh-huh.
And I-I probably wouldn't win.
I mean, the only thing I've ever run for is treasurer of the book club, and-and I came in third.
- Honey, honey.
- What? Of course you're not gonna win.
You're highly qualified.
You don't have a chance.
Yeah, but-but maybe it would get people talking about the education system.
And that's a good thing.
That's a good thing, right? And on top of that, I retain my title - as God's gift to gift-giving.
- (CHUCKLES) And twice a week, Larabee will come in and vacuum the place.
- Come on.
- Oh.
All right, I'll have to think about it.
- You'll think about it? - Yeah.
Already waffling.
You are a politician.
Hey, what's up, Baxter? Hey, listen, happy anniversary, man.
What? What do you mean, "what?" This year makes five years since you've been here at Outdoor Man.
Oh! Hey, that's right.
- How about that, huh? - Yeah, congratulations.
You know, and since I'm God's gift to gift-giving - What? - I got you something I know you'll like.
Oh.
(SCOFFS) This isn't a nice pen.
Yeah, but next year I'm gonna get you some paper.
Mm.
Hey, man.
You stole this from the bank.
Look at that.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)