Portlandia (2011) s08e05 Episode Script

1 You're home.
You're hungry.
But you're too lazy to properly make a meal or set the table for yourself.
You decide to stand by the sink and wolf down whatever most resembles a proper meal.
It's an isolating experience.
But now you can enjoy eating with others in the way you enjoy it most: single and hunched over a sink.
We're Sinkles at 225 Glisan.
Each table is equipped with a counter by a sink and designed for the most elegant standing meals.
Tables are built for one person at a time: you.
And instead of having to choose, we bring you every item on our exquisite menu: pita bread halves, natural peanut butter, cold falafel balls, smoked turkey slices, crackers with lots of different seeds on 'em, cashews, salmon, hummus, rye toast with old butter, chewy Thai spring rolls, and for dessert, peanut clusters from a gift basket.
We've created the perfect sound ambience: dead silence with a low buzzing hum of the refrigerator.
[BANGING.]
And yes, the sink works.
Sinkles at 225 Glisan.
This time, eat at our sink.
And coming soon, garbage meals.
Mmm! [WASHED OUT'S "FEEL IT ALL AROUND" PLAYING.]
[DREAMY CHILLWAVE MUSIC.]
So they designed it so it could be untucked, right? So you could leave it like this, and it's formal and casual at the same time, you know? You could wear it anywhere, like - Great shirt.
- Thank you! Pretty cool, huh? They should make a girl version so you could do the same.
You could even button this part so you have a tie on if you want to go to a wedding or a business meeting.
Doug, I'd like to have an open relationship.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Do the whole polyamory thing.
You don't like the shirt? [GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME.]
- Oh! - I felt like that too.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, shoot, you know what? Let's Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Doug, this is Brad who I've been telling you about.
Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.
Come on, Dougie, will you shake his hand? Why? Just for me.
[SCOFFS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, we're gonna go to the bedroom.
But, um, are you gonna be okay down here? You guys gonna have sex? - Uh, yeah, probably.
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, but I'll be right upstairs if you need me.
You gonna let him, you know, rub your Uh, yeah, probably gonna do that.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, nice shirt.
See ya.
[MAN SCREAMS ON VIDEO GAME.]
[BRAD CHUCKLES.]
[GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
Hey, Brad, buddy.
Great great penis.
Uh, you're in my parking spot.
I hate to be that guy.
- Okay.
- All right, thanks.
[BOTH MOANING.]
Brad, I meant now.
- [MOANS.]
- Hmm? That's my spot right next to the recycling bin.
- Okay.
- And some guy, like, took off my mirror last year, so I don't want to be out in the street.
Okay, I can do it in five minutes.
Oh, s-seven.
- Hmm? - Seven minutes.
[BOTH MOANING.]
- Brad.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Thank you.
- Okay.
No problem.
[BOTH MOAN.]
Uh, Doug.
I'll do it.
I will move the car.
Just seven minutes.
Okay.
Thank I appreciate it.
Yeah, and I appreciate you letting me know.
Sorry to I-I don't want to be put in that position.
- Totally.
- It's an open relationship, not an open parking spot.
You understand? Mmhmm.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm not that guy.
- Thank you.
- It's a vehicle.
I get it.
No worries, buddy.
Great.
[BOTH MOANING.]
There you go.
[SIGHS.]
I appreciate it.
No, hey, dude, I get it.
Not a problem.
Not a not a problem at all, my friend.
[GRUNTS.]
Ooh! Cold.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS.]
[SMOOTH MUSIC.]
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO.]
- You're good.
- What? Oh.
Plenty of room.
Here, look.
- Plenty.
- Thank you! Just cut it.
Cut it! Here.
Cut it.
Cut it.
Cut it.
Cut it.
Come out.
Come on, start again.
It's okay.
I got it.
Come come forward.
Just pull back.
- No, no, but cut it left.
- No, no, sorry.
- You're a little close to the c - Sorry, I don't wanna I don't wanna hit you.
But if you pull back - It's okay.
- Hi, ma'am? - Yeah? - I think you might be a little close to this car now.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm just trying to park.
I I would pull out a little bit further.
I just I'm worried about this car.
I'm worried about I-I've actually got a pretty good view.
- I'm good.
Thank you! - No, I don't - I don't think you do.
- Yeah, you're good.
There you go.
Cut it.
Cut it.
Right, right, right, right! - You're fine.
- She doesn't have it.
- Ma'am? - Yeah.
- I'm not gonna - You're okay.
Just come back.
Hey, I can help you.
Yeah, just come out.
Ma'am, just watch me here.
You're good.
- I'm not - BOTH: Watch me here.
I need to not hit - Let's each get in a mirror.
- I'm in this mirror.
Excuse me, ma'am, you want to come back an inch.
This is a foot.
This inch is a foot.
Now this way.
Now this way.
Wanna come back two crackles and a smooth.
[CLAPPING.]
- Ma'am? - This is the front of the car.
You have so much room.
Turn the rear wheels.
Hi.
Listen to the sound of my voice.
I'm right here.
- I'm gonna help you.
- You're fine.
You have room.
Hi, I'm right here too.
- Go green, yellow, red, green.
- Green.
If you don't mind just moving out from the back of the car.
Uh, you know what? I think we should do this European.
- What's that? - So you want to pull out here.
You're gonna just come in perpendicular.
[TRADITIONAL ACCORDION MUSIC.]
I'm gonna all right, I'm You know, I'm gonna park the I'm gonna park the American way.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Back pull back.
- Yup, I got it.
- No.
No, no, no.
- You know what? - Now push - No, you know what? I'm done.
- Sink it.
I'm done! I'm done.
She's gone.
All right, good.
European style.
Great.
Okay, are we all on? This is Mary presenting the Vancouver o Sorry, is that Neil? Mary here from the Vancouver office.
- How's it going, everyone? - Ted here.
So, uh, it's been a little difficult managing a single company across three unique markets.
Right, but we think the solution to our communications problem is VR headsets.
So instead of us sort of raising the volume of our voices and trying to connect, we can actually see each other.
I don't know that we really need to go that route.
I think we should try it.
Um, this is for you.
Go ahead and put them on.
And we'll be able to see each other.
Uh, the joysticks are for your hands.
[BEEPING.]
Whoa.
Whoa.
- Wow, look at that.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yes, it's impressive.
- Whoa! Yeah, um, so if we could return to the task at hand, which affects all our futures.
Oh, my God, check this out.
- Whoa.
- You guys, this is crazy.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, what happens when I do this? Oh, I have wings.
- [LAUGHS.]
- How did you do that? Whoa.
Wait, mess around with the settings.
Look at this.
We can adjust our avatars.
Oh, let me try.
- Whoa! - What's happening? Your neck is very, very long.
What happens if I do this? - Whoa! - [LAUGHS.]
- Yes, well, I think it's - Oh, my gosh.
Ted, you're in the table.
- What? - Look at Ted.
He's in the table.
[LAUGHS.]
Whoa.
Okay, does, um does anyone know does anyone know how to get me out of the table? Yeah, um, so we seem to be experiencing supply delays.
And [GLASS CLATTERS.]
Unfortunately, it's going to require us to do significant downsizing.
You guys, what does this look like? Whoa! - Guys, is this cool? - Tune in.
I'm saying you are all fired.
- What? - What? - What? - Yes, actually, all of you are getting pink slips today.
[GROANS.]
Wait.
[CRYING MOCKINGLY.]
[CRYING.]
Whoa.
Hey, guys, uh, Neil here.
Sorry I'm late.
Whoa! [LAUGHS.]
Oh-ho.
Neil, we're fired.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, I, uh was supposed to meet Claire here.
Is she around? She's at work.
Well, um can I wait here with you, or do you want me to go outside or Do whatever.
I don't care.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
You know, if I could I could just show you one thing that might help you out here.
If you just take this right here lower it like this, tighten that, tighten that, and you're all set, see? - Thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey, I was gonna make some food.
Are you hungry? Come on, let's have some food.
You're cutting up the hot dogs? Mm-hmm.
Don't you like to eat 'em whole with a bun? Oh, I-I love 'em whole on a bun, but when I make 'em with the beans, then I like to cut 'em into pieces.
Can I try? Yeah! Come on.
Give it a shot.
Come on.
Come over here.
Here, take your own dog.
Just take the knife.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
Yup.
You're doing it, Doug.
Nice cutting.
- And it goes in there? - Right in there.
- Mm.
- There you go! [LAUGHS.]
See that? Yeah.
And when we cook these up, mmm, it's gonna be yummerrific.
Here, let me show you something else.
See this sandwich? Watch this.
[IMITATES CUTTING.]
What about the crust? The crust gets cut off 'cause I don't like the crust.
Do you like the crust? No.
No, nobody likes the crust.
Here, just Yeah, there you go.
- Like that? - That's it.
- Oh.
- How are my boys? Good.
We're having fun.
This looks interesting, guys.
Mmm.
Hey, thanks for the sweet text today.
- What text? - Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
I just sent Brad, like, a little kiss emoji.
I didn't get a kiss emoji.
Well, but we text all the time, Doug.
You know what, though? I do think that if you're gonna text me, you should text Doug too.
That just seems like extra work.
Right, but there's two of us.
It's not really work if you enjoy it.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
BOTH: Ipsy-tipsy, go! Wait, hold on.
Claire? - Claire! - Yeah? Hey.
Do you wanna come in here with us? I actually just opened a bottle of red if you wanna - I'll take a beer.
- Well, they're in the fridge.
- Sorry, babe.
- Yeah, w-we're playing.
- Sorry, babe.
- Whaah! You little [LAUGHS.]
You're hitting somebody else.
Oh! How'd you get a - Hey.
- Hi.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, you know what? Actually, let me just Would you mind Yeah, that's better.
Just thanks.
There you go.
Yeah, Sue, I got your email.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I got you! Yeah.
No, I-I-I got the email.
Totally ready for sex whenever you want.
- You just let me know.
- We love you.
Claire, you want to do the taste test? - Ugh.
- Come on, Claire.
This is for you.
It's about your needs.
Brad, I actually think you should go home.
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC.]
This is his home.
Well, I'd like my house back, so if you guys are gonna hang out, I guess I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
We'll see you there.
The new Plains-Evergreen line, from Minnesota to the West Coast.
Experience the beauty of America.
Come see us in Minnesota! In North Dakota! Montana! Idaho! And this is where I come in.
Oregon.
We got passed by last year because it went straight through Washington into Seattle.
Not this year.
- Isn't this exciting? - Very exciting.
And how are we going to shoot this, sir? Helicopter, Sam.
Like this one.
Got a camera on the front.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[IMITATES HELICOPTER ZOOMING.]
I-I think this is the right spot.
Seems like the right spot.
I mean, we're at the highest point on the hill, right? - Yeah.
- And we'll we'll certainly hear the helicopter before it arrives, and we we probably will see it.
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
And Oregon! [ECHOING.]
And Oregon! And Oregon! And Oregon! [WIND WHOOSHING.]
You don't think it's "Or Oregon," do you? Hmm.
Or Oregon! [ECHOING.]
Or Oregon! Or Oregon! And Oregon! [ECHOING.]
And Oregon! And Oregon! Or Oregon! [ECHOING.]
Or Oregon! Or Oregon! I think "And Oregon" sounds better, but I think "Or Oregon" is more grammatically correct.
But "Or Oregon" sounds very strange.
And Oregon! [ECHOING.]
And Oregon! That see, that makes more sense.
That feels more comfortable to me to go, "And Oregon!" [ECHOING.]
And Oregon! And Oregon! And Oregon! [WIND WHOOSHING.]
Sam, you can't be here when it comes over.
It's only supposed to be me.
- Oh.
- But I need you up here.
- Okay.
- So maybe you can gather some weeds and turn yourself into a shrubbery, and then when it flies over, you're just gonna crouch down and you become like a little bush.
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
And we're still close enough.
I think we'll If we hear anything we'll be okay.
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
[HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIRRING.]
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Sam, hurry! And Oregon! And Oregon! And Oregon! Or Oregon! Or Oregon! And Oregon! And Oregon! Oh, shoot.
Eh, wrong helicopter.
Yeah.
Wonder what they're doing way out here.
Well, that was a good trial run.
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
I had a weird thing the other day.
Remember that those journalists that came in, the photojournalists, wanted to do a big story? Yeah.
You know, they there were a lot of them for just a photo shoot.
It was, like, ten people there.
And it's just me, you know, and they took a few pictures, and which was nice.
And then they all, like, got really happy.
And they were all clapping, right? And they were like, "Congratulations!" And they were all high-fiving each other and back-slapping, and I was like, "It's just a few pictures.
" - Yeah.
- Yeah, I don't I didn't really understand that.
The new Plains-Evergreen line.
Experience the beauty of America.
Come see us in Minnesota! In North Dakota! Montana! And/or anywhere in the Pacific Northwest.
[HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIRRING.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[BIRD CALLING.]
Oh, this is really nice.
Hey there.
Keep an eye out.
There's a barred owl up there.
- Okay.
- Cool.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
[BIRD CALLING.]
I don't see anything.
Where'd he say it was? [CRUNCHES.]
Oh, no! No! No, no, no, no! Oh-ho! Fred, it's it's okay.
It's not okay.
I killed a snail.
Such a delicate little shell, and I just stomped on it like a Frankenstein.
Come on.
H-he was just minding his own business.
I need to do some soul-searching.
I'm just gonna just walk for a little while.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[FAINT CHILDLIKE LAUGHTER.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Wow.
Hello? - Aah! - Ow, my ears hurt.
You're talking really loud.
Hi, um I'm a human.
You're still yelling.
Is this a better volume? It's fine.
Who are you? Um as you can tell, I'm I'm a human being, and I-I was just walking through the forest, and I have something to tell you.
Can you guys all hear me? Ooh, gossip.
We love gossip.
It's not gossip.
Uh, it's it's something a little more urgent.
- We want gossip.
- Yeah! Tell us your gossip.
I-I'll think of some gossip for you.
Th-this is a little more on the serious side.
- Fine.
- Okay? So I was walking around back there, and I'm bigger than you guys, and, you know, you you camouflage pretty well into the ground.
It's not your fault.
And I wasn't looking down, and I and I stepped on one of you guys.
S-so is the snail dead? - I believe so.
- [GASPS.]
And I am so sorry.
I feel horrible.
That's not a problem.
Being a snail sucks.
We want to die.
- What? - Look at us.
We're made of slime.
People think we're gross.
I do notice that it's a very s you guys go really slow.
I mean, that must be frustrating.
A snail's pace.
Ever heard of it? That's you guys.
Yeah, a snail's pace.
We're the worst animal.
Can you do us a favor? Sure.
- Could you kill us? - No.
It's gonna make me feel terrible.
Come on.
All snails want to die.
Yeah! Could you kill us? You want to die? - Do it! - Step on us.
- Just kill us.
- It'll feel fine 'cause we'll feel fine.
I'll do one.
- Yes! - Kill us.
We want that sweet release.
Me too! - Maybe I'll do two.
- That's great! - Great! - Step on us.
- Do it.
- Stop wasting time.
- Do it now.
- All right, everybody, calm down.
Do it now! - Calm down.
- Stomp on me! - All right.
- Kill us.
- Please, now! - Kill us! - Do it! - Step on me.
Kill us! [CRUNCHES.]
Yeah! You [CRUNCHES.]
Thank you.
- And you.
- See ya! [CRUNCHES.]
[SIGHS.]
I feel much better now.
Good, I was, uh, really worried about you.
- Aw.
- Et voilà.
Escargot for monsieur and for madame.
- Merci beaucoup.
- Bon appétit.
All right, let's dig in.
[LAUGHTER ECHOING.]
Bye-bye! Brad, you're not gonna believe this.
[LAUGHS.]
What happened? Are you crying? [INHALES RAGGEDLY.]
Ask her.
Doug I'm ending things with Brad.
What? You can't do that.
No! Claire, get him a Kleenex or something.
[DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC.]
I don't understand.
We were having such a great time, and what happened to the whole open relationship thing? I'm not happy.
No, that's [BLEEP.]
up.
I mean Brad, it's not you.
It's her.
Thanks for saying that, Doug.
Means a lot to me.
No, it is him.
It's one of you and one of me.
No.
I mean, it's definitely not me.
[SOBBING.]
Hey, I-I-I don't have anything to fidget with.
[CHAIR CREAKING.]
Thank you.
Could we turn on a light or something? It's really dark.
No.
It's it's a breakup.
Can I speak? Can I say something? Do you hear yourself right now? Do you hear yourself? I loved you both! Those aren't my words.
No, of course I remember that.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Doug, this is Brad who I've been telling you about.
It's not really work if you enjoy it.
[ECHOING.]
Not really work if you enjoy it.
I'm just invisible.
I loved you both.
Come on, Claire.
This is for you.
Wow, I never thought of it that way.
Doug, I'd like to have an open relationship.
[ECHOING.]
To have an open relationship.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- [SOBBING.]
- You know what? You're not listening.
[CRYING.]
It's about your needs.
I didn't get a kiss emoji.
Brad, I actually think you should go home.
I can't see anything.
Will you please turn on a light? Fine.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Hey, guys.
Jesus.
I'm Shannon.
I'm your fourth? You didn't park in my spot by any chance, did you? No.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Awesome.
[ALL MOANING AND GRUNTING.]
Never mind on the breakup, right? Baby, baby, baby I can't take it anymore Yes, more.
More.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Come on back.
Back, back, back, back.
BOTH: Back, back, back, back, back.
So you're about this far.
- You see that? - Right here.
It's two people.
You have plenty of room.
Two.