Shameless US s08e05 Episode Script
The (Mis)Education of Liam Fergus Beircheart Gallagher
1 [MUFFLED CLUB NOISES.]
Oh, it's you again? What's your problem? You can't remember what happened last week? Jesus.
Kev's family are fucking rednecks.
I shot a deer! I get to take home the head! Sign over the bar to me, and I'll tell them this was all just a big mistake.
I keep two thirds of bar.
One third.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
- [CARL.]
What's all that shit? - My welding gear.
What the hell's it for? Future.
We don't have enough fathers in our PTA.
[FRANK.]
I'll wash cars with my son Liam.
Best way to teach him the value of hard labor.
[TREVOR.]
You're hanging around to try and weasel your way back into my life.
Do not use these kids to do it.
All right, what can I do to make it right? Help me find some legit housing that isn't your bedroom.
I can do that.
[FIONA.]
You know the woman who owns this place dropped out of high school and now she owns, like, half the South Side and a whole neighborhood in Indianapolis? [LIP.]
This sober sex thing, man, it's-it's not working for me.
Yeah, I need some fucking pussy! [BOTH PANTING.]
- Think you could hit me a little less? - Shut the fuck up.
[CARL.]
Messing with a veteran is a serious violation.
I'm gonna need some bait.
Ow! What the fuck? What the fuck? I see you found the little treat I left you.
[SCREAMS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [DESPERATE, RAPID BREATHING.]
[DARK ROCK MUSIC.]
Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son.
I understand why you did what you did, but you stole from a veteran, homey.
It's a crime against America.
Actions have consequences.
[RETCHES.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Oh! Fuck.
Ah! You're a shitty little lady, aren't you? What? - Say it.
- I'd prefer not to.
- Say it, bitch! - Oh! - Fuck, I'm a shitty little lady! - Yeah! Damn it! Oh! Ah! [MUFFLED PANTING.]
[LIP.]
Ah! Ah! Shit! - Oh! - [LOUD CLATTERING.]
Should we help him? It sounds voluntary.
[EDDIE MOANING.]
Eat up, son.
Gotta stay sharp to ace that test of yours today.
Make me look like a good papa for the pieces.
The what? The pieces of derriere at Liam's school.
I've moved into my 40s.
Men in their 40s soar in their career and bang the parents at their kids' schools.
Most of those moms haven't been boned properly since their junior year abroad.
You can tell by the way they twitch when they walk.
[SIGHS.]
Ew! Smells like puke! Day four of detox.
Be happy it isn't diarrhea.
- Panic attacks are next.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
Hey! Did I tell you kids? I got another promotion.
Assistant manager in the garden shop.
So what's the plan with the dude in the basement? I'll set him free when I feel like he can contribute to society again.
- Isn't that kidnapping? - Public service.
Hey.
Can someone watch Franny tonight? I've got a study group for my exam tomorrow.
- I will.
- Hey, Debs, your old man got another promotion.
I Hey.
Hey, Franny.
See you at the shop, runt.
Yeah.
Ah Hey, you know you got a little scratch on your Hey, piss off, huh? Lip, you hear about your old man? - Things are looking up - Hey, where's Fi? I need to borrow her car, make a pickup for the shop.
I think she's at her building.
- Come on, Cadet.
- Hey, Cadet Corporal, brother.
Is no one here interested in the upward mobility of their father? I am.
That's my boy.
Go get your backpack.
You got some academic ass to kick today, and I've got pieces to penetrate.
What are you up to today? Uh, Trevor and me are having lunch with this rich old dude.
I'm gonna see if we can get some cash for a new place for Trevor's at-risk kids.
I'm bringing the South Side cred.
Still trying to get in that dude's pants? Well he does good things for kids in need.
Pretty much the best person I know.
Plus, he's great in the sack.
- How about you? - I gotta call the school, see why my fall enrollment packet hasn't shown up yet.
Gotta register soon.
You ready? Attention! One, two, three, four Double time, move! Left, left, left, right, left! Cadet Corporal, halt! Hold in place.
In cadence.
Move! It's about time we jazzed up the joint.
I bugged that prick Ryan for a year.
I'm like, "Bro, buy a couple shrubs, and raise the profile of the hood, why don't you?" "Raise the profile?" I thought we were just trying to make things look nice so I can keep jacking up the rents.
You say "tomato" Now I just gotta figure out how to stop these junkies from smashing the windows every couple months and pissing in the alley.
Well you could install a cheap security camera or set fire to the church squat, though you may not have to.
It's for sale.
Someone's selling that dump? Yep.
Sign just went up.
Maybe they'll finally kick the junkies out of there.
Huh.
[FIONA.]
That's my boss' company.
Who do you think she'll sell to? [SCOFFS.]
Somebody with an imagination.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
Where is ledger, for checks? I took care of it.
I would like to see it, please.
I know how to cut a damn check for a damn liquor distributor.
There were three errors last time and cost bar $300.
It's unacceptable.
Are you standing here telling me I don't know how to run my business? I'm standing here telling you that your math is shit.
Hold up.
Are these the stubs for our paychecks? - Yes.
- You cut two checks.
There's three of us.
We all make same amount.
It's 50/50.
We own two thirds of the bar.
We should be making a third of the profit each, - not half.
- I work longer shifts.
I do all the paperwork.
I call when plumbing goes bad.
Excuse me, you do not get to decide how much Kev and I earn.
You work eight hours together.
I work eight hours alone.
So 50/50.
[SIGHS.]
- [BEV.]
Morning, Francis.
- Hey, Bev.
Are you going to the PTA meeting later? - I wouldn't miss it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You work at Lumber Lawn and Lighting? Associate manager of the garden department.
I handle plants, fertilizer, tools [FUNKY ROCK MUSIC.]
Nice.
[LAUGHS.]
How are you with a trowel? I'm very, very handy.
I'm also quite adept at handling bulbs of all sizes.
You should come by.
I just might.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
She's into me.
She knows a renegade when she sees one.
Also, she thinks I'm teachable.
Women love a long-term project, especially when it involves the improvement of a man.
Now get in there.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks.
I ran past that church you were talking about.
It could be a great spot for a shelter.
Place is huge.
It's got this whole extra part in the back, like, rooms where the priests lived.
The listings didn't have any interior pics, but the lady on the phone said she was having trouble selling it.
You could probably grab a couple kids, fix it up for cheap.
We have tea with my donor later.
I'm hoping you're gonna shower first.
You gonna come with? I'll meet you there.
Just don't be late.
Gonna jump in the Cadillac We'll put some miles on it Anything you want, yeah Just to get a smile on you Anything you want it, anything you want it Oh, and I'm gonna give it to you, Franny - What's up with you? - What do you mean? You're always singing and smiling and bouncing around.
I've got a beautiful daughter, decent job, great grades, a rad group of friends, and I'm hot as fuck, and tomorrow, once I pass my arc welding exam, I'll be one step closer to getting my certification.
Gonna be able to land a job that pulls real money.
- [FRANNY BABBLES.]
- Where is the peanut butter? Over there.
Hello, sir.
It's Cadet Corporal Carl Gallagher, sir.
6612, C Company.
I haven't received my enrollment packet yet.
My grant money has been credited against that? Yes, sir? Comanche, sir.
I understand.
They gave my Indian scholarship to another student.
Why? He's 50% Comanche.
Fucking Comanche! Tuition's 24 Gs.
I need 12 Gs by August first.
That's in, like, three weeks.
Supposed to have my own single dorm this year, be first in line in the commissary, get my underwear washed and my shirts ironed by the plebes.
That sucks.
Anything I can do to help? You got 12 Gs? Nope.
Good luck.
[SIGHS.]
I don't need luck.
I have will.
I'm a fucking cadet corporal.
[SWAGGERING ROCK MUSIC.]
You know what makes a man? Discipline.
Conviction.
Strength of character.
Deciding against all odds you alone define your destiny.
You decide what you want and find a way to get it.
I want to be able to see my face in these by the end of the day.
[GRUNTS.]
[SOBS.]
Well, these are impressive numbers, Gallagher.
You really got this place humming.
Thanks.
So you're selling the church over on 86th? Yeah, I was looking to develop the whole block, but I can't get it, uh, rezoned to increase the density, so now it's a liability, 'cause one of those dopeheads ODs in there, then they're gonna sue my ass.
You got any offers yet? A shelter is looking to lease it.
A shelter? Well, won't that be hard on property values? My building's only two blocks away.
Well, the only other interest is from these two brothers who were looking for an art gallery, but they found another space, and I can't say as I blame them, 'cause that church is a hellhole.
Well, you could fix it up.
You should buy it.
Well, how much is it? Two hundred grand, and it'll be worth twice that in three years.
Nah, I-I can't-I can't swing that.
Well, I gotta unload it soon, before they declare it a goddamn historic landmark, so [ICE RATTLES.]
[SLURPS.]
Diet Coke, please.
Light on the ice.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
I swear, that commie bitch is gon' drive me to murder.
I can't believe you have to work with her again.
Oh, it's awful, and Kev's driving me nuts, trying to compete with the Russians by going full-on Kentucky fried redneck.
Losing my damn mind.
Hey.
Bring this to Margo? Yo, can I get my old job back? I need money for military school.
Comanche bastard took my scholarship money.
Shit.
Can you get it back? I don't think so.
Well, I can lend you the money, if you need.
No.
Third principle of military leadership, seek responsibility and take responsibility.
I need to earn my own way back into school.
Okay.
I already got someone on dishes.
Please.
I'll do anything.
[SIGHS.]
I'll empty and clean the grease trap.
No! Ugh.
You won't be able to shake the smell for days.
Really? All right, but you gotta wait till the lunch rush dies down.
I can't have customers around for that.
[SIGHS.]
[PEOPLE SINGING IN RUSSIAN.]
Soo-ee! Shift change.
Russian hour is over.
It's Kentucky time.
Everybody who isn't a red-blooded American, please exit the premises.
[PEOPLE MURMURING.]
[MAN.]
Where's everybody going? Holy shit.
Like, 60 Russians just walked out.
Gotta figure out how to get my people in here.
You know there's a difference between Southern and Western? [SCOFFS.]
There's a learning curve, Kermit.
Does this mean no more Ukrainian fist bumps? No what? Shot of vodka and a bump of coke, for Russian hour.
She's a fucking pinko genius.
Hey.
Got a little human stuck to you.
[SIGHS.]
Had to get Miles out of the house so Cami could get some sleep.
Kid looks good on you.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm a fucking dad.
Didn't think I'd live past 25.
Now look at me.
Yeah, you look like shit.
I had three hours of sleep last night.
Two the night before.
I've eaten nothing but frozen veggie burritos.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- Jesus You, uh you wanna hit a meeting with us later? No, I gotta head back.
Cami's parents are flying in.
Place is a fucking mess.
Look, I didn't have a chance to sign the employee checks before the baby came.
Can you, uh, grab them from the shop and swing by my place later? - Yeah, sure.
- They're on my desk.
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you guys.
- [LIP.]
Yeah, you too.
- [BOB.]
Later.
- Wow! That looks great.
- [NESSA.]
It's really cool.
You can check the camera with your phone.
[SIGHS.]
So some, uh, shelter wants to rent out the church, it turns out.
- Fuck.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Like, homeless people and shit? No one else was interested? An art gallery was for, like, half a second.
Mel does PR for the Art Institute.
She can find out who they were, why they changed their mind, if they'd reconsider.
Little reminder, your girlfriend and I don't get along.
Well, try harder.
Grow a cock, gain 40 pounds.
[LAUGHS.]
I gotta run some errands.
Later.
Go.
- [GROANS.]
- You got this.
Hey.
Hey, hang on.
Hey, I gotta ask you a favor.
Uh, the church squat is for sale.
Some artist brothers were interested in it for a gallery, but they bailed.
I was hoping you could find out why.
You're really nice when you need something.
A little sweetie pie.
Are you gonna help me or not? I want you to grovel, just a little bit.
Go on.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Please.
Please what? Please find out why the artist brothers bailed.
And now apologize for being a mega-cunt.
I apologize.
For? For being a mega-cunt.
Let me think about it.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Nope.
[HUFFS.]
Uh, and it's been a challenge to find affordable housing.
The hoods where the kids would have the chance to flourish They're just out of our price range, but, um, we found a potential place in a transitional neighborhood.
Um Um, so I'm from the South Side How much? Uh, it's five grand a month to lease, with a five-grand deposit.
It's a church.
It's huge.
I wanna acknowledge, uh, how much you've already given us, Mr.
Fleet Quinton, please.
[TREVOR.]
Well, you're our primary benefactor, and you're the reason we're able to help so many.
Ten grand, up front? In cash? That would be great.
I'll have my wife's assistant wire you the money.
You're welcome.
Yeah, thanks.
I feel like I know you from somewhere.
I get around.
Oh.
Hi.
You the agent for the church on 86th? I'm sorry.
I'm late for a showing.
I own a-an apartment building around the corner.
Why haven't you been able to get a decent tenant in there? We have someone lined up to lease.
A homeless shelter.
I heard.
Churches are tough.
People are afraid they'll be haunted by ghosts of sadistic nuns and abused altar boys.
So reach out to some businesses.
I have, and that property's a disaster.
So fix it up.
Uh, it's a-it's a big space at a great price in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
Someone decent is gonna want to buy it.
It's impossible to heat, the whole exterior needs renovation, there's no AC, half the windows are broken, the plumbing is from the '50s, and it's now home, sweet home, to a small village of drug addicts.
You want a better class of tenants in there? You go clean it up.
- Hey.
What's going on, man? - Hi.
There you go.
Hey, man, sorry about the mess.
Oh, no, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
This is Cami, my fiancée.
Hi, how you doing? Excuse the boob.
I have a nursing cover somewhere, but too tired to get it.
Ah, it's no problem.
I've been around babies and boobs a lot, so Thanks for coming over, man.
I don't know my ass from my head.
Ah, it's all good.
Um but look, uh, the guy with the Lexus and the goatee called about his Harley.
Oh, shit.
I never got a chance to look at it.
Look, uh, could you check the, uh, tension belt and the fuel hose, replace the brake pads? Yeah, yeah, it's no problem, man.
Cool.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You wanna hold him? Yeah.
He's just about done.
Just use the sanitizer.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I know.
You wanna say hi? Hey, gorgeous.
I got you.
I got you.
- I got you.
Man, hey! - [BABY CRIES.]
Wow, look at that tiny nose! - Huh? - [CAMI CHUCKLES.]
Listen, I-I think you need to get an interim sponsor.
That's all right.
I'll wait.
No, you-you won't.
Look, if you lose your shit at 2 a.
m.
And you need someone to talk to, that guy can't be me.
I mean, not for a while, you know? [BABY CRIES.]
Some of these guys have been sober longer than me.
All of them are superior humans.
I warned them you might be calling.
Take it.
Mr.
Gallagher, a word.
Liam failed his exam today.
He only got two out of ten questions correct.
I didn't understand the questions.
What kind of questions are we talking? Basic word association.
"Jennifer blanked the glue and finished her project.
" The choices were "applied," "kicked," or "sliced.
" Liam scribbled them out and wrote "sniffed.
" Well, technically, it works.
What else you got? "The front door is to the foyer as the back door is to" The choices were "sidewalk," "kitchen," "street.
" He wrote "penis.
" [LAUGHS.]
How the hell would he know what a foyer is? What are we, the Rockefellers? These questions are standardized across the private school curriculum To favor the students who understand the references.
This is cultural bias.
You'll put his face on your brochure, but you ignore his background.
I understand your concerns, Mr.
Gallagher Great.
What are you gonna do about them? [LEXICON'S "THE OFFICIAL".]
I got the crowd gathered round like it's fight night Minor leaguers, stay at home with your night-light [COUGHING.]
They seen that Fury knows how to rock the mic right And get a right, right And a true that After I rock, your whole crew gives me a few daps They all really seem to love the way I do that But I knew that, it's the same exact reason That your crews lack This is the official Raps that combat the artificial When I'm pullin' out my automatic pis-tal Click, click, pow V, do you know Southerners have 80 different ways of saying "I did not know that"? Listen.
"Well, slap my ass and call me Sally.
" "Well, sit on my face and call me Bernard.
" Who's Bernard? Your mounted deer head came.
Oh! Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
His eyes so soulful, like he's begging me not to shoot him.
I don't want that thing in my house.
No, no, no, no.
This is for Kentucky time at the bar, but I think I went overboard with my background.
It's less cowboy and more hick.
Or hillbilly.
Bumpkin? I have so much to learn.
- Kev - Colored greens, for example.
Are they multicolored or just green? Or is the colored part just, like, racism? I understand that you're going through something, and I support you, but if this goes on for longer than a week, I'ma slap the redneck right off you.
Whoa, what's got you all bowed up? Still pissed off from this morning.
Found out you-know-who is trying to cheat us out of our money by splitting the Alibi's earnings down the middle.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
She gets half, she gives us half.
Well, she does do a shit-ton more for the bar than us.
What gives her the right to make those kinds of decisions? I told her we should each get a third.
V, you gotta get over it.
She never apologized for what she did to us, - not once.
- V, this isn't healthy.
You're madder than a hornet in a Coke can.
[QUIETLY.]
Yeah, Coke can.
I seriously cannot stop.
[IAN.]
Yeah, and that look he gave me when I said he was familiar.
Yeah, it was kind of skeevy.
Oh, holy shit.
What? Ah, The Fairy Tail.
He's the guy who always asks for blow jobs in the handicapped stall 'cause he grabs the railing for support.
- No! - Yeah.
I didn't recognize him, 'cause he always pulls his turtleneck up over his face when he comes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Well, maybe that's why he was so quick to give us the cash.
I should've asked for more.
- Mm.
- [SPRAY CAN HISSING.]
Yo.
What're you doing? Fiona's paying me to make the gang tags seem more artistic.
Says that it's gonna raise the profile of the hood.
Oh, holy fuck, what is that smell? It's like rotten, rancid eggs.
Grease trap.
No time to shower.
All right.
[TREVOR.]
Hey, this place could definitely work.
I'll call the realtor tomorrow.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[FIONA.]
Hey! Yo, cleaning up the joint? Yeah.
Got the last of the needles.
Now folks can walk around without contracting hepatitis.
Oh, sweet.
You, uh Do you want to grab a bite? I'm craving some teriyaki beef.
Yeah, sure.
I'm starving.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
All my fault What do you do All my fault Who you say you are All my fault Well, stick a knife inside of me All my fault I turn around You've only got my back to see [CHOKING.]
[GASPS.]
[COUGHS.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
You ever hear of a safe word? Yeah.
How about "stop"? That's good.
I'll, uh I'll try that next time.
You gonna stick around? Yeah.
Brad's left all this work.
I gotta pick up his slack.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
How's he doing? Uh, he's tired.
Overwhelmed.
You know, he's a dad.
Man, that baby, though.
Yeah.
You ever wonder if, uh, couples all making families and stuff, they know something you don't? If I want a kid, I'll get one of my gay besties to jack off in a cup for me.
Yeah, but I mean with a partner.
[SNIFFLES.]
No.
Do you? Sometimes.
I don't know.
You know it's okay to not want that too.
Don't know where everyone got the idea you gotta be yoked and breeding by 30 to feel normal.
Maybe your normal is just different.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Okay, next round.
Let's see some more questions.
- Do this.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Lightning round, While flame cutting, the preheat flame should be - [BOTH.]
Neutral! - Yes.
What is the width of a cut called? [BOTH.]
Kerf! The maximum safe working pressure? - 15 psi! - 15 pounds per square inch! "Square wave" refers to The shape of the output power! Ah, shit, right.
- Ah, damn, you are good.
- And we're gonna ace this shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
Hey, are we still, uh, driving your car to Joplin after exam tomorrow to celebrate? Oh, fuck yeah.
I'll bring the E.
- Mm - Debs, you down? - I don't know, guys.
- Come on.
You've earned some chill time.
I've never been without Franny for more than a day.
She has her abuela, right? She'll-she'll be fine.
I'll think about it.
You're such a good mom, man.
Fucking love that kid so goddamn much.
Fucking murder someone for that kid.
Do you think Monica would do that for me? No fucking way.
My mom's a piece of shit too.
- Mine too.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em! - Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck them.
Tomorrow morning, we have meeting.
About what? We can do it now.
Empty.
Not good.
I have date now.
[SIGHS.]
We talk tomorrow.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! The fuck is that smell? Grease trap at Patsy's.
Come on, Liam, let's get you upstairs to bed.
That stink could kill brain cells.
God.
Hey.
Thanks for all your help today.
I'd hug you, but you fucking reek.
So, uh, can we talk money? Sure.
What do I owe you? So to hit my down payment by August first, I need to be making $4,666 per week.
Brings us to $703.
Call it an even $700.
[SCOFFS.]
I was thinking more like $150.
'Cause that's all I got.
Thanks.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Need $516 by sunrise to hit my quota divided by eight hours, no sleep.
That's $64 an hour.
How much do you think an Uber driver makes during the night shift? Ugh! Ugh.
Go on, talk about the smell.
It's like the gaping anus of death itself.
Oh.
[SOBS.]
[TREVOR.]
I know I can't help them all, but if I can put a roof over, like, three of their heads I don't know.
One small break could change their lives.
It's the shit that keeps me up at night.
So, um I should probably get going.
I just want to say thank you for all your help.
Um, I don't know.
It's kind of Wake up here And I think how it was Before the pain Started fading Your red mouth is blocked With the stories I've heard [MOANING AND PANTING.]
This poor old house Is a castle or a mean Place that I'll keep Record time.
You caught me off guard.
Sorry.
No problem.
Then I'll be A little piece Of the house history Good night, son.
You get the light? Read to me.
Why would I do that? Other kids' parents read to them at night.
Oh.
Right, that's a that's a thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
"The victorious strategist seeks battle after the victory has been won, while he who is destined to defeat first fights and seeks victory afterwards.
" Hmm.
Are we at war? Yes, we are, son.
You're, um probably a little young for this, but I'm gonna plant a seed here.
Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school were once radicals.
Rebels.
Renegades.
At some point, they fell in step with societal expectations and became robots.
So when they look at us, loudmouthed, antiestablishment, unafraid to confront the power structures, they feel alive.
So we gotta take advantage of that.
Right? Right.
I did what I could to clean up the outside, but can I grab the keys from you? I was hoping to take some pictures, reach out to some local businesses.
Thanks, Margo.
Anybody want to buy a church? Saint Francis? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm no saint.
My delusions of grandeur have faded as I've entered my 40s.
Mm.
You're in your 40s now? God, my head What time is it? Time to pound some Advil and Gatorade, like a good little drunkard.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be [DEBBIE RETCHING.]
Coffee? Toast? Mm.
Please.
Thanks.
Come on, Liam.
Another day of combat for social justice.
Anyone seen my car keys? "Need the car to make money.
Thanks.
Carl.
" [HARD ROCK MUSIC.]
- [CARL.]
You call for an Uber? - [EVA.]
You Kendrick? - I'm Carl.
Where you going? - No, thank you.
I charge ten bucks less than whatever you were gonna pay.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for opening.
I thought I'd be here in time.
Ah, it's no problem.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, you clean out the black brake dust after you took out the old pads? Yeah, last night.
Great.
You find an interim sponsor? No, not yet.
You gotta have a sponsor in the first year and I'm not gonna be Did you use carb cleaner on this? Yeah.
Was I not supposed to? Goddamn it, Lip! Brake cleaner, brush, and the air gun.
- Okay, I'm sorry, man.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Okay.
Yeah.
Whatever.
[SIGHS.]
Christ.
Miles just shat all over himself at the park.
I forgot to put more diapers in the diaper bag.
Sometimes I want to bash that baby's head in with a tiny hammer.
One hour of sleep last night! This is how they get people to confess at Gitmo.
Domestic bliss, am I right? Hey there, associate manager of the garden department.
Aha! Hey, hand me that little spade over there Ah, heck, you know what? Never mind, forget it.
I'm already covered in dirt.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mrs.
Seery told us about Liam's test.
The parents have assembled a committee to eliminate cultural bias in standardized testing.
We're petitioning Congress to support the Every Student Succeeds Act, and we're instituting a round table to open each exam question to multiple interpretations based on ethnic and economic considerations.
It's an excellent start, and I'm happy to lead the charge, although sometimes I feel like our journey is this big and a committee is this big.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Your hands filthy.
Some employees like to wear gloves.
I prefer the sensation of my bare hands in the moist soil.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[POP MUSIC.]
Wish I could get laid someplace comfortable, like with a bed or [PANTS.]
Show me your hands again.
Oh! Your fingernails are so dirty! Ah! Now tell me how much you made last year, without taxes.
I don't know.
Two grand, maybe, and I don't pay taxes.
Ah! Okay.
First, I want an apology from you to us.
Second, I want the three of us to sit down, figure out exactly - Come here.
- What we Look at something.
I was talking.
Come.
During my shift, I bring in this number.
During your shift and Kevin's shift, combined, you bring in this number.
Which is bigger? Yours.
By how much? Three times.
I want percentage of the profits.
Not when you're making that profit off illegal shit.
What the hell you thinking, selling drugs in my bar? If we get busted, the whole place goes down, not just the third you own.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
I get rid of the drugs.
Only if you agree to fuck me.
What did you just say? Mm-mm.
No.
That ship has sailed.
I'm wet and wild I deserve more money.
You both know it.
I will put it in writing, and I will still fuck you.
Wild [MOANS.]
Holy shit.
[JAMIE.]
Is this real? [IAN.]
Trevor's meeting with the realtor as we speak.
[GENEVA LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Dude, it's enormous! There's rooms in the back where the priests live.
So if you're good, you can have first pick.
Damn.
You're like magic or some shit.
Gotta fix it up first, but I love it.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Fist bump.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
Go! Come on! Come on, come on.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Oof.
Weirdoes.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
What a palace.
Grab a trash bag or take a hike.
Found the gallery dudes you were talking about.
They're these painters called the Toussaint brothers.
They want a raw multiuse space to exhibit their work and for educational outreach and artist residencies.
Super into supporting the community.
They do "urban" work.
That's graffiti.
It's street art.
They just did a show at the Institute.
They're hot shit.
So what'd they say about the church? They drove by it, said it was too much work, too far south, too ghetto.
But they still haven't closed on the other space.
I guess there's another bidder who's interested.
Well, if I can clean it up a little, you think they'd take another look? I have no idea.
Ask them.
Here's their contact info.
Why are you doing this? I make 35 grand a year at my nonprofit PR gig.
I'm not interested in some yuppie bakery moving in and charging me $12 for a fucking vegan muffin.
You're welcome.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey, I'm gonna go do a pickup at the paint shop.
I'll be back in a bit, all right? Okay.
[RAPID STRUMMING ON BANJO.]
[DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.]
[VERONICA.]
Svetlana tried to use sex on me at the bar to get her way.
[FINAL BANJO CHORD.]
And? It worked.
That bitch! - Did she go down on you? - Yes! - Did she do that thing with her tongue? - Yes! Did you come a lot? - Kev.
- Right.
That bitch! She can't just slut her way back into our lives.
I don't even want her to! That was weird! Back when we were together, I would get all shivery and warm after sex, but this time, it was different.
I felt angry and hateful, and she has some sort of fucked-up power over me and I don't know what to do about it.
When's the next time you're supposed to see her? Tomorrow.
She's supposed to come by to bring a contract for us to look at.
Okay, good.
When she shows up, we read the contract slowly, we ask a bunch of questions, and we come up with an agreement that works for all of us, and if she tries to pull any of that titty-hypnosis sex shit on you, you shut it down, all right? Boom.
She use two fingers or three? Kev.
[STRUMMING ON BANJO.]
- Yo.
- Hey.
Someone steal your lunch money? Uh, the church has a potential buyer.
A fucking art gallery.
Uh, I thought you said she was having trouble selling it.
She was.
Now she's not.
She wants to hold off on our leasing it until this other thing plays out.
So it's not a done deal? - We still have a chance to - I just said she's not leasing.
Buy it.
Buy it? With what fucking money, Ian? Guy from The Fairy Tail.
No, he's been way too generous already.
It's fine.
We'll find something else.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hi.
- Debbie.
My arc welding sculpture went great.
Professor Shelly called it "intricate and expressive," and I got a perfect score on my written.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
I'm super psyched.
Uh, so a couple of my friends wanted to road trip to Joplin to celebrate, and I kinda wanted to go.
Was wondering if maybe I could leave Franny here with you for a couple nights? - Of course.
- Awesome.
Where is she? Who the fuck is that? This this is Pepa.
Derek's girlfriend.
They drove up for my birthday.
Derek's here? He is.
I think he's hiding.
Derek! Ven aqui ahora! Hey, Deb.
Franny got so big.
Yeah, that happens.
[CELIA.]
They surprised me, or I would've told you.
Let's sit down, have a chat.
Anybody want some tea or anything? No, thank you.
Excuse me.
[ELABORATE DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- The boy from tea.
Yeah.
Uh, look.
Sorry to bug you so late Reasons you're here.
Quickly.
We need money to buy the church, or we'll lose it.
Buy? I thought you wanted to lease.
It changed.
I don't appreciate unannounced home visits.
Run along, now.
I know you from The Fairy Tail.
You're a Friday night regular.
You cover your face with your turtleneck when you come.
So maybe your wife would like to know about that.
Hon? It's the redhead from the club.
Thinks you should know about my turtleneck.
Also, he wants money.
Lillian.
I'm the one with the money.
Pleasure.
How much would you like? Um 30K, for a down payment to buy a building for at-risk youth.
I hear you give exquisite head.
I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.
Do it for the kids.
She's a get-up gal From a get-up place She loves her other name Go forth with integrity and courage, right your wrongs, and help others do the same.
You did it, man.
You're clean.
And now, you're free.
Thank you.
She's a dreamer [SNIFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
You were gone a while.
Yeah, I was, uh, driving around.
I didn't think I always figured I didn't want any of the bourgie crap other people had, but I don't know after seeing Brad and that baby what's so fucking terrible about it? You okay? Brad was here.
- Okay - He left.
He's around the corner.
What do you mean? You might want to think about finding that new sponsor now.
Walk hard, living for a living Patient for everyone Wake hard, get it for a living Oh, he speak for everyone There's too many whores in the word somehow If you turn your back, they will steal your crown Hey, man.
[SCOFFS.]
What the fuck are you doing here? Come on, let me take you home.
I'm not your fucking daddy.
I'm not your fucking problem.
So you can sleep it off at my place, all right? We'll hit a meeting, first thing.
Come on, let's go.
- No.
- [KEYS JANGLE.]
- Hey, Brad! - You know what? Hey! Where are you going? What, are you gonna drive fucking wasted? Look, don't do this, man.
Hey, your kid needs you! God damn it! Stop it! [PANTING.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
[ENGINE REVS HALTINGLY.]
There's too many whores in the world somehow [ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
[MUSIC PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
Joplin, here we come.
Rod doesn't want any E, so he said he'll drive first.
That lamp is so beautiful.
Isn't it so fucking beautiful? I think the drugs are kicking in.
I think your face is kicking in.
Derek can't touch me.
No one can.
[COOING.]
Don't let me go [FRANK.]
Liam.
Why didn't you show me this? - [LIAM.]
What? - Your test.
All the Xs have magically become check marks.
You got an A.
Standing up for our principles worked.
You see, this is the point I'm making with the liberal elite.
In the war between the have-nots and the have-everything's, their guilt is our ammunition.
Never forget that.
- Okay.
- Morning, fam.
- Good morning.
- Where's your, uh, drug addict? I don't hear him moaning.
I set him free.
He's returning back the Purple Heart, and heading back to Juilliard in the fall.
[LAUGHING.]
Nice work.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[FIONA.]
Jesus, that chick's gonna put you in the hospital.
Uh, Brad relapsed.
He took off, and I've been trying to find him all night.
Fuck.
Are you okay? I don't know.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Who the hell is this? This is my girlfriend, all right? I was at Betty Ford three times.
It didn't work for me, cost a fortune.
You cleaned me up in five days.
Here.
That's cash, from my parents.
It's five grand, plus, Nora-Jean's folks are gonna give you $2,500 for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You want to take half the profits, even though you're one person, and you want us to get half, even though we're two people.
That's not fair.
It is more than fair.
You stole our bar.
You shouldn't get shit.
Honey, we've moved past that.
Not when she crawls up on me like I'm some sort of weak fool.
That's not how this works.
We each get 1/3.
Period.
End of story.
[KEV.]
Agreed.
You heard her.
This time, we get what we want.
Now, I'm gonna go get a bucket of extra crispy and a pile of biscuits for lunch.
When I get back, we'll go over all the orders and maintenance and shit.
Until then, keep your saddle greased and your guns oiled.
And these are contingencies, like appraisals, and, um, inspections and mortgage agreements, but no rush, by the way.
It's just for your information.
We'll have our lawyers look it over.
Sounds good.
- Hey, Fi.
- Hey.
- You Margo? - I am.
Well, your office said we could find you here.
I have a check for the church.
It's a down payment.
Who are you? The youth shelter.
We were gonna lease it, but now we wanna buy it.
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor? You two know each other? - This is my brother.
- That's my sister.
[FIONA.]
Come outside a second.
I'll be right back.
Those guys are buying the church.
Wait, has anyone signed anything yet? Well, no, not yet.
Cool, okay, so go tell 'em not to.
[SCOFFS.]
Ian, you don't want that place.
It's it's a piece of shit inside.
Oh, no, we love it.
It's perfect.
Well, you'll find another place.
I mean, trashed buildings that nobody wanted before are popping up for sale all over.
They'll find another place.
We found it first.
[SIGHS.]
The neighborhood is against the shelter.
You, like, speak for the neighborhood now? People wanna feel safe.
My kids wanna feel safe.
These guys are South Side.
They want to give back.
They want to engage the community, provide programs for kids in need.
Kids like yours! My kids don't need art classes.
They need homes.
They're at-risk.
They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian.
That girl you brought into our house bit off a dick! That's exactly why she needs help! I have worked too hard and risked too much of my ass and put it on the I promised those kids that church, Fiona.
I am not tearing it Find another fucking church.
Hey, kids.
Grub's here! - Hello? - [WOMAN COUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
Spasiba.
What in tarnation? 50/50.
Oh, it's you again? What's your problem? You can't remember what happened last week? Jesus.
Kev's family are fucking rednecks.
I shot a deer! I get to take home the head! Sign over the bar to me, and I'll tell them this was all just a big mistake.
I keep two thirds of bar.
One third.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
- [CARL.]
What's all that shit? - My welding gear.
What the hell's it for? Future.
We don't have enough fathers in our PTA.
[FRANK.]
I'll wash cars with my son Liam.
Best way to teach him the value of hard labor.
[TREVOR.]
You're hanging around to try and weasel your way back into my life.
Do not use these kids to do it.
All right, what can I do to make it right? Help me find some legit housing that isn't your bedroom.
I can do that.
[FIONA.]
You know the woman who owns this place dropped out of high school and now she owns, like, half the South Side and a whole neighborhood in Indianapolis? [LIP.]
This sober sex thing, man, it's-it's not working for me.
Yeah, I need some fucking pussy! [BOTH PANTING.]
- Think you could hit me a little less? - Shut the fuck up.
[CARL.]
Messing with a veteran is a serious violation.
I'm gonna need some bait.
Ow! What the fuck? What the fuck? I see you found the little treat I left you.
[SCREAMS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [DESPERATE, RAPID BREATHING.]
[DARK ROCK MUSIC.]
Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son.
I understand why you did what you did, but you stole from a veteran, homey.
It's a crime against America.
Actions have consequences.
[RETCHES.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Oh! Fuck.
Ah! You're a shitty little lady, aren't you? What? - Say it.
- I'd prefer not to.
- Say it, bitch! - Oh! - Fuck, I'm a shitty little lady! - Yeah! Damn it! Oh! Ah! [MUFFLED PANTING.]
[LIP.]
Ah! Ah! Shit! - Oh! - [LOUD CLATTERING.]
Should we help him? It sounds voluntary.
[EDDIE MOANING.]
Eat up, son.
Gotta stay sharp to ace that test of yours today.
Make me look like a good papa for the pieces.
The what? The pieces of derriere at Liam's school.
I've moved into my 40s.
Men in their 40s soar in their career and bang the parents at their kids' schools.
Most of those moms haven't been boned properly since their junior year abroad.
You can tell by the way they twitch when they walk.
[SIGHS.]
Ew! Smells like puke! Day four of detox.
Be happy it isn't diarrhea.
- Panic attacks are next.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
Hey! Did I tell you kids? I got another promotion.
Assistant manager in the garden shop.
So what's the plan with the dude in the basement? I'll set him free when I feel like he can contribute to society again.
- Isn't that kidnapping? - Public service.
Hey.
Can someone watch Franny tonight? I've got a study group for my exam tomorrow.
- I will.
- Hey, Debs, your old man got another promotion.
I Hey.
Hey, Franny.
See you at the shop, runt.
Yeah.
Ah Hey, you know you got a little scratch on your Hey, piss off, huh? Lip, you hear about your old man? - Things are looking up - Hey, where's Fi? I need to borrow her car, make a pickup for the shop.
I think she's at her building.
- Come on, Cadet.
- Hey, Cadet Corporal, brother.
Is no one here interested in the upward mobility of their father? I am.
That's my boy.
Go get your backpack.
You got some academic ass to kick today, and I've got pieces to penetrate.
What are you up to today? Uh, Trevor and me are having lunch with this rich old dude.
I'm gonna see if we can get some cash for a new place for Trevor's at-risk kids.
I'm bringing the South Side cred.
Still trying to get in that dude's pants? Well he does good things for kids in need.
Pretty much the best person I know.
Plus, he's great in the sack.
- How about you? - I gotta call the school, see why my fall enrollment packet hasn't shown up yet.
Gotta register soon.
You ready? Attention! One, two, three, four Double time, move! Left, left, left, right, left! Cadet Corporal, halt! Hold in place.
In cadence.
Move! It's about time we jazzed up the joint.
I bugged that prick Ryan for a year.
I'm like, "Bro, buy a couple shrubs, and raise the profile of the hood, why don't you?" "Raise the profile?" I thought we were just trying to make things look nice so I can keep jacking up the rents.
You say "tomato" Now I just gotta figure out how to stop these junkies from smashing the windows every couple months and pissing in the alley.
Well you could install a cheap security camera or set fire to the church squat, though you may not have to.
It's for sale.
Someone's selling that dump? Yep.
Sign just went up.
Maybe they'll finally kick the junkies out of there.
Huh.
[FIONA.]
That's my boss' company.
Who do you think she'll sell to? [SCOFFS.]
Somebody with an imagination.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
Where is ledger, for checks? I took care of it.
I would like to see it, please.
I know how to cut a damn check for a damn liquor distributor.
There were three errors last time and cost bar $300.
It's unacceptable.
Are you standing here telling me I don't know how to run my business? I'm standing here telling you that your math is shit.
Hold up.
Are these the stubs for our paychecks? - Yes.
- You cut two checks.
There's three of us.
We all make same amount.
It's 50/50.
We own two thirds of the bar.
We should be making a third of the profit each, - not half.
- I work longer shifts.
I do all the paperwork.
I call when plumbing goes bad.
Excuse me, you do not get to decide how much Kev and I earn.
You work eight hours together.
I work eight hours alone.
So 50/50.
[SIGHS.]
- [BEV.]
Morning, Francis.
- Hey, Bev.
Are you going to the PTA meeting later? - I wouldn't miss it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You work at Lumber Lawn and Lighting? Associate manager of the garden department.
I handle plants, fertilizer, tools [FUNKY ROCK MUSIC.]
Nice.
[LAUGHS.]
How are you with a trowel? I'm very, very handy.
I'm also quite adept at handling bulbs of all sizes.
You should come by.
I just might.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
She's into me.
She knows a renegade when she sees one.
Also, she thinks I'm teachable.
Women love a long-term project, especially when it involves the improvement of a man.
Now get in there.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks.
I ran past that church you were talking about.
It could be a great spot for a shelter.
Place is huge.
It's got this whole extra part in the back, like, rooms where the priests lived.
The listings didn't have any interior pics, but the lady on the phone said she was having trouble selling it.
You could probably grab a couple kids, fix it up for cheap.
We have tea with my donor later.
I'm hoping you're gonna shower first.
You gonna come with? I'll meet you there.
Just don't be late.
Gonna jump in the Cadillac We'll put some miles on it Anything you want, yeah Just to get a smile on you Anything you want it, anything you want it Oh, and I'm gonna give it to you, Franny - What's up with you? - What do you mean? You're always singing and smiling and bouncing around.
I've got a beautiful daughter, decent job, great grades, a rad group of friends, and I'm hot as fuck, and tomorrow, once I pass my arc welding exam, I'll be one step closer to getting my certification.
Gonna be able to land a job that pulls real money.
- [FRANNY BABBLES.]
- Where is the peanut butter? Over there.
Hello, sir.
It's Cadet Corporal Carl Gallagher, sir.
6612, C Company.
I haven't received my enrollment packet yet.
My grant money has been credited against that? Yes, sir? Comanche, sir.
I understand.
They gave my Indian scholarship to another student.
Why? He's 50% Comanche.
Fucking Comanche! Tuition's 24 Gs.
I need 12 Gs by August first.
That's in, like, three weeks.
Supposed to have my own single dorm this year, be first in line in the commissary, get my underwear washed and my shirts ironed by the plebes.
That sucks.
Anything I can do to help? You got 12 Gs? Nope.
Good luck.
[SIGHS.]
I don't need luck.
I have will.
I'm a fucking cadet corporal.
[SWAGGERING ROCK MUSIC.]
You know what makes a man? Discipline.
Conviction.
Strength of character.
Deciding against all odds you alone define your destiny.
You decide what you want and find a way to get it.
I want to be able to see my face in these by the end of the day.
[GRUNTS.]
[SOBS.]
Well, these are impressive numbers, Gallagher.
You really got this place humming.
Thanks.
So you're selling the church over on 86th? Yeah, I was looking to develop the whole block, but I can't get it, uh, rezoned to increase the density, so now it's a liability, 'cause one of those dopeheads ODs in there, then they're gonna sue my ass.
You got any offers yet? A shelter is looking to lease it.
A shelter? Well, won't that be hard on property values? My building's only two blocks away.
Well, the only other interest is from these two brothers who were looking for an art gallery, but they found another space, and I can't say as I blame them, 'cause that church is a hellhole.
Well, you could fix it up.
You should buy it.
Well, how much is it? Two hundred grand, and it'll be worth twice that in three years.
Nah, I-I can't-I can't swing that.
Well, I gotta unload it soon, before they declare it a goddamn historic landmark, so [ICE RATTLES.]
[SLURPS.]
Diet Coke, please.
Light on the ice.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
I swear, that commie bitch is gon' drive me to murder.
I can't believe you have to work with her again.
Oh, it's awful, and Kev's driving me nuts, trying to compete with the Russians by going full-on Kentucky fried redneck.
Losing my damn mind.
Hey.
Bring this to Margo? Yo, can I get my old job back? I need money for military school.
Comanche bastard took my scholarship money.
Shit.
Can you get it back? I don't think so.
Well, I can lend you the money, if you need.
No.
Third principle of military leadership, seek responsibility and take responsibility.
I need to earn my own way back into school.
Okay.
I already got someone on dishes.
Please.
I'll do anything.
[SIGHS.]
I'll empty and clean the grease trap.
No! Ugh.
You won't be able to shake the smell for days.
Really? All right, but you gotta wait till the lunch rush dies down.
I can't have customers around for that.
[SIGHS.]
[PEOPLE SINGING IN RUSSIAN.]
Soo-ee! Shift change.
Russian hour is over.
It's Kentucky time.
Everybody who isn't a red-blooded American, please exit the premises.
[PEOPLE MURMURING.]
[MAN.]
Where's everybody going? Holy shit.
Like, 60 Russians just walked out.
Gotta figure out how to get my people in here.
You know there's a difference between Southern and Western? [SCOFFS.]
There's a learning curve, Kermit.
Does this mean no more Ukrainian fist bumps? No what? Shot of vodka and a bump of coke, for Russian hour.
She's a fucking pinko genius.
Hey.
Got a little human stuck to you.
[SIGHS.]
Had to get Miles out of the house so Cami could get some sleep.
Kid looks good on you.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm a fucking dad.
Didn't think I'd live past 25.
Now look at me.
Yeah, you look like shit.
I had three hours of sleep last night.
Two the night before.
I've eaten nothing but frozen veggie burritos.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
- Jesus You, uh you wanna hit a meeting with us later? No, I gotta head back.
Cami's parents are flying in.
Place is a fucking mess.
Look, I didn't have a chance to sign the employee checks before the baby came.
Can you, uh, grab them from the shop and swing by my place later? - Yeah, sure.
- They're on my desk.
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you guys.
- [LIP.]
Yeah, you too.
- [BOB.]
Later.
- Wow! That looks great.
- [NESSA.]
It's really cool.
You can check the camera with your phone.
[SIGHS.]
So some, uh, shelter wants to rent out the church, it turns out.
- Fuck.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Like, homeless people and shit? No one else was interested? An art gallery was for, like, half a second.
Mel does PR for the Art Institute.
She can find out who they were, why they changed their mind, if they'd reconsider.
Little reminder, your girlfriend and I don't get along.
Well, try harder.
Grow a cock, gain 40 pounds.
[LAUGHS.]
I gotta run some errands.
Later.
Go.
- [GROANS.]
- You got this.
Hey.
Hey, hang on.
Hey, I gotta ask you a favor.
Uh, the church squat is for sale.
Some artist brothers were interested in it for a gallery, but they bailed.
I was hoping you could find out why.
You're really nice when you need something.
A little sweetie pie.
Are you gonna help me or not? I want you to grovel, just a little bit.
Go on.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Please.
Please what? Please find out why the artist brothers bailed.
And now apologize for being a mega-cunt.
I apologize.
For? For being a mega-cunt.
Let me think about it.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Nope.
[HUFFS.]
Uh, and it's been a challenge to find affordable housing.
The hoods where the kids would have the chance to flourish They're just out of our price range, but, um, we found a potential place in a transitional neighborhood.
Um Um, so I'm from the South Side How much? Uh, it's five grand a month to lease, with a five-grand deposit.
It's a church.
It's huge.
I wanna acknowledge, uh, how much you've already given us, Mr.
Fleet Quinton, please.
[TREVOR.]
Well, you're our primary benefactor, and you're the reason we're able to help so many.
Ten grand, up front? In cash? That would be great.
I'll have my wife's assistant wire you the money.
You're welcome.
Yeah, thanks.
I feel like I know you from somewhere.
I get around.
Oh.
Hi.
You the agent for the church on 86th? I'm sorry.
I'm late for a showing.
I own a-an apartment building around the corner.
Why haven't you been able to get a decent tenant in there? We have someone lined up to lease.
A homeless shelter.
I heard.
Churches are tough.
People are afraid they'll be haunted by ghosts of sadistic nuns and abused altar boys.
So reach out to some businesses.
I have, and that property's a disaster.
So fix it up.
Uh, it's a-it's a big space at a great price in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
Someone decent is gonna want to buy it.
It's impossible to heat, the whole exterior needs renovation, there's no AC, half the windows are broken, the plumbing is from the '50s, and it's now home, sweet home, to a small village of drug addicts.
You want a better class of tenants in there? You go clean it up.
- Hey.
What's going on, man? - Hi.
There you go.
Hey, man, sorry about the mess.
Oh, no, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
This is Cami, my fiancée.
Hi, how you doing? Excuse the boob.
I have a nursing cover somewhere, but too tired to get it.
Ah, it's no problem.
I've been around babies and boobs a lot, so Thanks for coming over, man.
I don't know my ass from my head.
Ah, it's all good.
Um but look, uh, the guy with the Lexus and the goatee called about his Harley.
Oh, shit.
I never got a chance to look at it.
Look, uh, could you check the, uh, tension belt and the fuel hose, replace the brake pads? Yeah, yeah, it's no problem, man.
Cool.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You wanna hold him? Yeah.
He's just about done.
Just use the sanitizer.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I know.
You wanna say hi? Hey, gorgeous.
I got you.
I got you.
- I got you.
Man, hey! - [BABY CRIES.]
Wow, look at that tiny nose! - Huh? - [CAMI CHUCKLES.]
Listen, I-I think you need to get an interim sponsor.
That's all right.
I'll wait.
No, you-you won't.
Look, if you lose your shit at 2 a.
m.
And you need someone to talk to, that guy can't be me.
I mean, not for a while, you know? [BABY CRIES.]
Some of these guys have been sober longer than me.
All of them are superior humans.
I warned them you might be calling.
Take it.
Mr.
Gallagher, a word.
Liam failed his exam today.
He only got two out of ten questions correct.
I didn't understand the questions.
What kind of questions are we talking? Basic word association.
"Jennifer blanked the glue and finished her project.
" The choices were "applied," "kicked," or "sliced.
" Liam scribbled them out and wrote "sniffed.
" Well, technically, it works.
What else you got? "The front door is to the foyer as the back door is to" The choices were "sidewalk," "kitchen," "street.
" He wrote "penis.
" [LAUGHS.]
How the hell would he know what a foyer is? What are we, the Rockefellers? These questions are standardized across the private school curriculum To favor the students who understand the references.
This is cultural bias.
You'll put his face on your brochure, but you ignore his background.
I understand your concerns, Mr.
Gallagher Great.
What are you gonna do about them? [LEXICON'S "THE OFFICIAL".]
I got the crowd gathered round like it's fight night Minor leaguers, stay at home with your night-light [COUGHING.]
They seen that Fury knows how to rock the mic right And get a right, right And a true that After I rock, your whole crew gives me a few daps They all really seem to love the way I do that But I knew that, it's the same exact reason That your crews lack This is the official Raps that combat the artificial When I'm pullin' out my automatic pis-tal Click, click, pow V, do you know Southerners have 80 different ways of saying "I did not know that"? Listen.
"Well, slap my ass and call me Sally.
" "Well, sit on my face and call me Bernard.
" Who's Bernard? Your mounted deer head came.
Oh! Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
His eyes so soulful, like he's begging me not to shoot him.
I don't want that thing in my house.
No, no, no, no.
This is for Kentucky time at the bar, but I think I went overboard with my background.
It's less cowboy and more hick.
Or hillbilly.
Bumpkin? I have so much to learn.
- Kev - Colored greens, for example.
Are they multicolored or just green? Or is the colored part just, like, racism? I understand that you're going through something, and I support you, but if this goes on for longer than a week, I'ma slap the redneck right off you.
Whoa, what's got you all bowed up? Still pissed off from this morning.
Found out you-know-who is trying to cheat us out of our money by splitting the Alibi's earnings down the middle.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
She gets half, she gives us half.
Well, she does do a shit-ton more for the bar than us.
What gives her the right to make those kinds of decisions? I told her we should each get a third.
V, you gotta get over it.
She never apologized for what she did to us, - not once.
- V, this isn't healthy.
You're madder than a hornet in a Coke can.
[QUIETLY.]
Yeah, Coke can.
I seriously cannot stop.
[IAN.]
Yeah, and that look he gave me when I said he was familiar.
Yeah, it was kind of skeevy.
Oh, holy shit.
What? Ah, The Fairy Tail.
He's the guy who always asks for blow jobs in the handicapped stall 'cause he grabs the railing for support.
- No! - Yeah.
I didn't recognize him, 'cause he always pulls his turtleneck up over his face when he comes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Well, maybe that's why he was so quick to give us the cash.
I should've asked for more.
- Mm.
- [SPRAY CAN HISSING.]
Yo.
What're you doing? Fiona's paying me to make the gang tags seem more artistic.
Says that it's gonna raise the profile of the hood.
Oh, holy fuck, what is that smell? It's like rotten, rancid eggs.
Grease trap.
No time to shower.
All right.
[TREVOR.]
Hey, this place could definitely work.
I'll call the realtor tomorrow.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[FIONA.]
Hey! Yo, cleaning up the joint? Yeah.
Got the last of the needles.
Now folks can walk around without contracting hepatitis.
Oh, sweet.
You, uh Do you want to grab a bite? I'm craving some teriyaki beef.
Yeah, sure.
I'm starving.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
All my fault What do you do All my fault Who you say you are All my fault Well, stick a knife inside of me All my fault I turn around You've only got my back to see [CHOKING.]
[GASPS.]
[COUGHS.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
You ever hear of a safe word? Yeah.
How about "stop"? That's good.
I'll, uh I'll try that next time.
You gonna stick around? Yeah.
Brad's left all this work.
I gotta pick up his slack.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
How's he doing? Uh, he's tired.
Overwhelmed.
You know, he's a dad.
Man, that baby, though.
Yeah.
You ever wonder if, uh, couples all making families and stuff, they know something you don't? If I want a kid, I'll get one of my gay besties to jack off in a cup for me.
Yeah, but I mean with a partner.
[SNIFFLES.]
No.
Do you? Sometimes.
I don't know.
You know it's okay to not want that too.
Don't know where everyone got the idea you gotta be yoked and breeding by 30 to feel normal.
Maybe your normal is just different.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Okay, next round.
Let's see some more questions.
- Do this.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Lightning round, While flame cutting, the preheat flame should be - [BOTH.]
Neutral! - Yes.
What is the width of a cut called? [BOTH.]
Kerf! The maximum safe working pressure? - 15 psi! - 15 pounds per square inch! "Square wave" refers to The shape of the output power! Ah, shit, right.
- Ah, damn, you are good.
- And we're gonna ace this shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
Hey, are we still, uh, driving your car to Joplin after exam tomorrow to celebrate? Oh, fuck yeah.
I'll bring the E.
- Mm - Debs, you down? - I don't know, guys.
- Come on.
You've earned some chill time.
I've never been without Franny for more than a day.
She has her abuela, right? She'll-she'll be fine.
I'll think about it.
You're such a good mom, man.
Fucking love that kid so goddamn much.
Fucking murder someone for that kid.
Do you think Monica would do that for me? No fucking way.
My mom's a piece of shit too.
- Mine too.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em! - Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck them.
Tomorrow morning, we have meeting.
About what? We can do it now.
Empty.
Not good.
I have date now.
[SIGHS.]
We talk tomorrow.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! The fuck is that smell? Grease trap at Patsy's.
Come on, Liam, let's get you upstairs to bed.
That stink could kill brain cells.
God.
Hey.
Thanks for all your help today.
I'd hug you, but you fucking reek.
So, uh, can we talk money? Sure.
What do I owe you? So to hit my down payment by August first, I need to be making $4,666 per week.
Brings us to $703.
Call it an even $700.
[SCOFFS.]
I was thinking more like $150.
'Cause that's all I got.
Thanks.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Need $516 by sunrise to hit my quota divided by eight hours, no sleep.
That's $64 an hour.
How much do you think an Uber driver makes during the night shift? Ugh! Ugh.
Go on, talk about the smell.
It's like the gaping anus of death itself.
Oh.
[SOBS.]
[TREVOR.]
I know I can't help them all, but if I can put a roof over, like, three of their heads I don't know.
One small break could change their lives.
It's the shit that keeps me up at night.
So, um I should probably get going.
I just want to say thank you for all your help.
Um, I don't know.
It's kind of Wake up here And I think how it was Before the pain Started fading Your red mouth is blocked With the stories I've heard [MOANING AND PANTING.]
This poor old house Is a castle or a mean Place that I'll keep Record time.
You caught me off guard.
Sorry.
No problem.
Then I'll be A little piece Of the house history Good night, son.
You get the light? Read to me.
Why would I do that? Other kids' parents read to them at night.
Oh.
Right, that's a that's a thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
"The victorious strategist seeks battle after the victory has been won, while he who is destined to defeat first fights and seeks victory afterwards.
" Hmm.
Are we at war? Yes, we are, son.
You're, um probably a little young for this, but I'm gonna plant a seed here.
Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school were once radicals.
Rebels.
Renegades.
At some point, they fell in step with societal expectations and became robots.
So when they look at us, loudmouthed, antiestablishment, unafraid to confront the power structures, they feel alive.
So we gotta take advantage of that.
Right? Right.
I did what I could to clean up the outside, but can I grab the keys from you? I was hoping to take some pictures, reach out to some local businesses.
Thanks, Margo.
Anybody want to buy a church? Saint Francis? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm no saint.
My delusions of grandeur have faded as I've entered my 40s.
Mm.
You're in your 40s now? God, my head What time is it? Time to pound some Advil and Gatorade, like a good little drunkard.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be [DEBBIE RETCHING.]
Coffee? Toast? Mm.
Please.
Thanks.
Come on, Liam.
Another day of combat for social justice.
Anyone seen my car keys? "Need the car to make money.
Thanks.
Carl.
" [HARD ROCK MUSIC.]
- [CARL.]
You call for an Uber? - [EVA.]
You Kendrick? - I'm Carl.
Where you going? - No, thank you.
I charge ten bucks less than whatever you were gonna pay.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for opening.
I thought I'd be here in time.
Ah, it's no problem.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, you clean out the black brake dust after you took out the old pads? Yeah, last night.
Great.
You find an interim sponsor? No, not yet.
You gotta have a sponsor in the first year and I'm not gonna be Did you use carb cleaner on this? Yeah.
Was I not supposed to? Goddamn it, Lip! Brake cleaner, brush, and the air gun.
- Okay, I'm sorry, man.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Okay.
Yeah.
Whatever.
[SIGHS.]
Christ.
Miles just shat all over himself at the park.
I forgot to put more diapers in the diaper bag.
Sometimes I want to bash that baby's head in with a tiny hammer.
One hour of sleep last night! This is how they get people to confess at Gitmo.
Domestic bliss, am I right? Hey there, associate manager of the garden department.
Aha! Hey, hand me that little spade over there Ah, heck, you know what? Never mind, forget it.
I'm already covered in dirt.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mrs.
Seery told us about Liam's test.
The parents have assembled a committee to eliminate cultural bias in standardized testing.
We're petitioning Congress to support the Every Student Succeeds Act, and we're instituting a round table to open each exam question to multiple interpretations based on ethnic and economic considerations.
It's an excellent start, and I'm happy to lead the charge, although sometimes I feel like our journey is this big and a committee is this big.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Your hands filthy.
Some employees like to wear gloves.
I prefer the sensation of my bare hands in the moist soil.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[POP MUSIC.]
Wish I could get laid someplace comfortable, like with a bed or [PANTS.]
Show me your hands again.
Oh! Your fingernails are so dirty! Ah! Now tell me how much you made last year, without taxes.
I don't know.
Two grand, maybe, and I don't pay taxes.
Ah! Okay.
First, I want an apology from you to us.
Second, I want the three of us to sit down, figure out exactly - Come here.
- What we Look at something.
I was talking.
Come.
During my shift, I bring in this number.
During your shift and Kevin's shift, combined, you bring in this number.
Which is bigger? Yours.
By how much? Three times.
I want percentage of the profits.
Not when you're making that profit off illegal shit.
What the hell you thinking, selling drugs in my bar? If we get busted, the whole place goes down, not just the third you own.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
I get rid of the drugs.
Only if you agree to fuck me.
What did you just say? Mm-mm.
No.
That ship has sailed.
I'm wet and wild I deserve more money.
You both know it.
I will put it in writing, and I will still fuck you.
Wild [MOANS.]
Holy shit.
[JAMIE.]
Is this real? [IAN.]
Trevor's meeting with the realtor as we speak.
[GENEVA LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Dude, it's enormous! There's rooms in the back where the priests live.
So if you're good, you can have first pick.
Damn.
You're like magic or some shit.
Gotta fix it up first, but I love it.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Fist bump.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
Go! Come on! Come on, come on.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Oof.
Weirdoes.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
What a palace.
Grab a trash bag or take a hike.
Found the gallery dudes you were talking about.
They're these painters called the Toussaint brothers.
They want a raw multiuse space to exhibit their work and for educational outreach and artist residencies.
Super into supporting the community.
They do "urban" work.
That's graffiti.
It's street art.
They just did a show at the Institute.
They're hot shit.
So what'd they say about the church? They drove by it, said it was too much work, too far south, too ghetto.
But they still haven't closed on the other space.
I guess there's another bidder who's interested.
Well, if I can clean it up a little, you think they'd take another look? I have no idea.
Ask them.
Here's their contact info.
Why are you doing this? I make 35 grand a year at my nonprofit PR gig.
I'm not interested in some yuppie bakery moving in and charging me $12 for a fucking vegan muffin.
You're welcome.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey, I'm gonna go do a pickup at the paint shop.
I'll be back in a bit, all right? Okay.
[RAPID STRUMMING ON BANJO.]
[DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.]
[VERONICA.]
Svetlana tried to use sex on me at the bar to get her way.
[FINAL BANJO CHORD.]
And? It worked.
That bitch! - Did she go down on you? - Yes! - Did she do that thing with her tongue? - Yes! Did you come a lot? - Kev.
- Right.
That bitch! She can't just slut her way back into our lives.
I don't even want her to! That was weird! Back when we were together, I would get all shivery and warm after sex, but this time, it was different.
I felt angry and hateful, and she has some sort of fucked-up power over me and I don't know what to do about it.
When's the next time you're supposed to see her? Tomorrow.
She's supposed to come by to bring a contract for us to look at.
Okay, good.
When she shows up, we read the contract slowly, we ask a bunch of questions, and we come up with an agreement that works for all of us, and if she tries to pull any of that titty-hypnosis sex shit on you, you shut it down, all right? Boom.
She use two fingers or three? Kev.
[STRUMMING ON BANJO.]
- Yo.
- Hey.
Someone steal your lunch money? Uh, the church has a potential buyer.
A fucking art gallery.
Uh, I thought you said she was having trouble selling it.
She was.
Now she's not.
She wants to hold off on our leasing it until this other thing plays out.
So it's not a done deal? - We still have a chance to - I just said she's not leasing.
Buy it.
Buy it? With what fucking money, Ian? Guy from The Fairy Tail.
No, he's been way too generous already.
It's fine.
We'll find something else.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hi.
- Debbie.
My arc welding sculpture went great.
Professor Shelly called it "intricate and expressive," and I got a perfect score on my written.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
I'm super psyched.
Uh, so a couple of my friends wanted to road trip to Joplin to celebrate, and I kinda wanted to go.
Was wondering if maybe I could leave Franny here with you for a couple nights? - Of course.
- Awesome.
Where is she? Who the fuck is that? This this is Pepa.
Derek's girlfriend.
They drove up for my birthday.
Derek's here? He is.
I think he's hiding.
Derek! Ven aqui ahora! Hey, Deb.
Franny got so big.
Yeah, that happens.
[CELIA.]
They surprised me, or I would've told you.
Let's sit down, have a chat.
Anybody want some tea or anything? No, thank you.
Excuse me.
[ELABORATE DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- The boy from tea.
Yeah.
Uh, look.
Sorry to bug you so late Reasons you're here.
Quickly.
We need money to buy the church, or we'll lose it.
Buy? I thought you wanted to lease.
It changed.
I don't appreciate unannounced home visits.
Run along, now.
I know you from The Fairy Tail.
You're a Friday night regular.
You cover your face with your turtleneck when you come.
So maybe your wife would like to know about that.
Hon? It's the redhead from the club.
Thinks you should know about my turtleneck.
Also, he wants money.
Lillian.
I'm the one with the money.
Pleasure.
How much would you like? Um 30K, for a down payment to buy a building for at-risk youth.
I hear you give exquisite head.
I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.
Do it for the kids.
She's a get-up gal From a get-up place She loves her other name Go forth with integrity and courage, right your wrongs, and help others do the same.
You did it, man.
You're clean.
And now, you're free.
Thank you.
She's a dreamer [SNIFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
You were gone a while.
Yeah, I was, uh, driving around.
I didn't think I always figured I didn't want any of the bourgie crap other people had, but I don't know after seeing Brad and that baby what's so fucking terrible about it? You okay? Brad was here.
- Okay - He left.
He's around the corner.
What do you mean? You might want to think about finding that new sponsor now.
Walk hard, living for a living Patient for everyone Wake hard, get it for a living Oh, he speak for everyone There's too many whores in the word somehow If you turn your back, they will steal your crown Hey, man.
[SCOFFS.]
What the fuck are you doing here? Come on, let me take you home.
I'm not your fucking daddy.
I'm not your fucking problem.
So you can sleep it off at my place, all right? We'll hit a meeting, first thing.
Come on, let's go.
- No.
- [KEYS JANGLE.]
- Hey, Brad! - You know what? Hey! Where are you going? What, are you gonna drive fucking wasted? Look, don't do this, man.
Hey, your kid needs you! God damn it! Stop it! [PANTING.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
[ENGINE REVS HALTINGLY.]
There's too many whores in the world somehow [ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
[MUSIC PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
Joplin, here we come.
Rod doesn't want any E, so he said he'll drive first.
That lamp is so beautiful.
Isn't it so fucking beautiful? I think the drugs are kicking in.
I think your face is kicking in.
Derek can't touch me.
No one can.
[COOING.]
Don't let me go [FRANK.]
Liam.
Why didn't you show me this? - [LIAM.]
What? - Your test.
All the Xs have magically become check marks.
You got an A.
Standing up for our principles worked.
You see, this is the point I'm making with the liberal elite.
In the war between the have-nots and the have-everything's, their guilt is our ammunition.
Never forget that.
- Okay.
- Morning, fam.
- Good morning.
- Where's your, uh, drug addict? I don't hear him moaning.
I set him free.
He's returning back the Purple Heart, and heading back to Juilliard in the fall.
[LAUGHING.]
Nice work.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[FIONA.]
Jesus, that chick's gonna put you in the hospital.
Uh, Brad relapsed.
He took off, and I've been trying to find him all night.
Fuck.
Are you okay? I don't know.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Who the hell is this? This is my girlfriend, all right? I was at Betty Ford three times.
It didn't work for me, cost a fortune.
You cleaned me up in five days.
Here.
That's cash, from my parents.
It's five grand, plus, Nora-Jean's folks are gonna give you $2,500 for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You want to take half the profits, even though you're one person, and you want us to get half, even though we're two people.
That's not fair.
It is more than fair.
You stole our bar.
You shouldn't get shit.
Honey, we've moved past that.
Not when she crawls up on me like I'm some sort of weak fool.
That's not how this works.
We each get 1/3.
Period.
End of story.
[KEV.]
Agreed.
You heard her.
This time, we get what we want.
Now, I'm gonna go get a bucket of extra crispy and a pile of biscuits for lunch.
When I get back, we'll go over all the orders and maintenance and shit.
Until then, keep your saddle greased and your guns oiled.
And these are contingencies, like appraisals, and, um, inspections and mortgage agreements, but no rush, by the way.
It's just for your information.
We'll have our lawyers look it over.
Sounds good.
- Hey, Fi.
- Hey.
- You Margo? - I am.
Well, your office said we could find you here.
I have a check for the church.
It's a down payment.
Who are you? The youth shelter.
We were gonna lease it, but now we wanna buy it.
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor? You two know each other? - This is my brother.
- That's my sister.
[FIONA.]
Come outside a second.
I'll be right back.
Those guys are buying the church.
Wait, has anyone signed anything yet? Well, no, not yet.
Cool, okay, so go tell 'em not to.
[SCOFFS.]
Ian, you don't want that place.
It's it's a piece of shit inside.
Oh, no, we love it.
It's perfect.
Well, you'll find another place.
I mean, trashed buildings that nobody wanted before are popping up for sale all over.
They'll find another place.
We found it first.
[SIGHS.]
The neighborhood is against the shelter.
You, like, speak for the neighborhood now? People wanna feel safe.
My kids wanna feel safe.
These guys are South Side.
They want to give back.
They want to engage the community, provide programs for kids in need.
Kids like yours! My kids don't need art classes.
They need homes.
They're at-risk.
They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian.
That girl you brought into our house bit off a dick! That's exactly why she needs help! I have worked too hard and risked too much of my ass and put it on the I promised those kids that church, Fiona.
I am not tearing it Find another fucking church.
Hey, kids.
Grub's here! - Hello? - [WOMAN COUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
Spasiba.
What in tarnation? 50/50.