That '70s Show s08e05 Episode Script

Oh no, don't get up! I'm just right here anyway.
I'll help you Mrs.
Forman.
Oh no, don't you worry Samantha.
It's just a little unbalanced because our appropriate sized clothes are on one side and your little teeny-tiny strippers clothes are on the other.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm so grumpy.
I got a manicure yesterday and Red still hasn't said a darn word.
You know, if you really want him to notice you, you should get drunk and do some doughnuts on his lawn.
Mrs.
Forman, you should change your hair.
When I went blond, Eric went nuts.
And then Fez went nuts and then I started wearing a lot of hats.
No, I can't change my hair.
Red loves it.
It's my trademark.
It'd be like telling Fonzie not to say "Hey".
Mrs.
Forman, a great way to get a man's attention is to show him how smart you are.
But a faster way is to take your clothes off.
I can help you work on some moves.
Oooooh nooo, I don't need to see that.
It'll be like watching my Mom strip.
Which unfortunately I saw at "Take your son to work day".
No.
You know what, I'll just uhm I'll just spray on some of my special occasion perfume.
It's very expensive, but you put a little water in there, you can really make it last.
Hey, Sam.
Can I ask you something? Uhm I wanted to send Eric some you know, like sexy pictures.
Sure.
I have some eight by tens in my car.
Of me.
Anyway, uhm would you mind taking them? I'd love to! I have a great pair of thigh high boots you can use.
Oh, I don't think we're the same size.
Oh, you're not gonna wear them silly.
You're gonna lick 'em! Oh, hi Jackie.
Hang in there baby.
And the kitten's hanging.
Funny.
So, what the hell are you doing in my apartment? Oh well, since Michael moved to Chicago, he let me have his room.
We're gonna be roommates! Roommates? Hot diggity! Think of the whackiest adventures we will have.
Fez, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Catchy tune though.
Okay, Jackie, I'm off to work.
Wait, but we're roomies! What am I supposed to do while you are gone? Listen, when I get home, it's you and me, we'll do whatever you want.
Oh! The Wizard of Oz is on TV tonight! We can watch it and make fun of Kansas! It's a date! I love these little munchkins.
I wish I could represent a lollypop-guild.
Boy, there'd be some changes! I can't believe I let you take naked pictures of me.
I don't really get that one with the GI Joe between your boobs? But hey! You know Eric better than me.
Hi sweetie.
Whoo, a letter for Eric.
Want me to mail it for ya? No, no, no, no.
I got it.
But I love going to the postoffice! I have these funny things I ay when a line is moving slow, like: Hey, were did I park my dinosaur? Uhm okay.
But you know it's illegal to tamper with mail, right? Yeah, but is not illegal to complain about a slow moving line! Hey, can we speed it up? My pet snail is getting away! That's good stuff, Dad.
Have a browny, Red.
Something smells terrific! You noticed! Sure did! You put peanutbutter in the brownies! Samantha! Okay, stripping is all about the art of seduction.
So the first thing you wanna do is set the mood.
Like with music, or candles.
Oh oh.
All I have are those trick candles, the ones you can't blow out.
They make Red furious.
It's very funny.
I always start my routine by slowly removing my gloves.
I have gloves! Feel sexy already! You know what? Let's skip ahead.
Look your husband in the eye and go step, dip, hair, flip.
You try it! Okay.
Step, dip, hair, flip.
That's great.
For our next lesson I'll teach you how to pick up money using everything but your hands.
Hey Kitty! Taking Donna's letter for Eric over the postoffice.
Got anything to eat? I mean, mail? Oh, you know what? Why don't you leave this with me, I have to add some things.
Like today's Marmaduke.
It's a stitch! Okay Have a brownie, Bob.
That's what I was waiting for.
Oh Marmaduke, when will you ever learn? Donna? Oh, my! GI Joe?! Mrs.
Forman, the washer is acting up again! Umh, okay, okay! Coming! Where are those damn car keys? Good Looord! Steven, you could have fixed that! Well, I'm off to work.
So if you need me, I'll be at the Hub.
Oh, no! Oh, nooo! Oh please, noooooo! All right.
Kitty, Kitty, don't panic! You know what to do.
Holy crap, it's Caroline! Who's Caroline? She went out with Fez.
But he broke up with her, because she's crazy.
Which is ironic, 'cause that's probably why she went out with him in the first place.
Guys, I can't let her see me.
Hide me! Where should we hide you, Fez? Fez?! Well played! You son of a bitch.
Hi! Hi! Caroline, you look good.
Not quite so nuts.
Yeah, I'm doing much better.
Thanks to my therapist.
And my meds.
And some good old-fashioned bzzzzz electricity! But there is one thing about me that hasn't changed.
Is it that you can still spin your head all the way around? No! It's that I still have a thirst for hot chocolate you know what I mean.
I do.
I used to have a thirst for crazy, medicated, white women.
So uhm, maybe I could come over tonight? I mean, if there are no other women in your life 'cause I couldn't handle that.
No! The only other women in Fez's life are in his head.
But you must know about that? You've got a cast of thousands up there.
Shut uuuup! So, you just invited me over for some brownies in the middle of the day? Yes Oh, and I opened your mail and I saw your nudy pictures.
Would you like some milk? Whaaat? Oh, my Gooood! Your father gave me the letter, I just wanted to add some things.
Well, did you mail the pictures? No, but I will as soon as I find them! Whaaaaat? Well, don't worry! I'm sure nobody else saw them.
Hey Kitty, have you seen the car key Oh, Donna.
Oh, my God, you too?! I was looking for the damn car keys! This drawer is for car keys and and magnets.
That's it.
Well where are they now? Whoooow! Holy hell! I know man.
Where's Marmaduke? Hey.
Heyyy Donna.
What's so funny? Guess I'm just a happy guy.
Hey, it's the naked lady from the newspaper! Okay.
Here it comes.
Err, I have just one question for you.
Does my wife know you were licking her boots? Donna, I'm writing a letter to the newspaper.
About your photo-essay.
Here is what I have so far: Yeeesss! Okay, just tell me where the pictures are.
Hey not to worry.
I hid 'em in a Barry White album.
Great! Where's that? You'll have to ask the guy who bought it.
Duh! Knock, knock.
Who's there? Fez! And Barry White.
Hey Fez.
It's almost Wizard of Oz time.
And I did my hair like Dorothy, but since there are no foreigners in Oz, I created a new charater for you.
The Butler.
Oh.
Bad news racist Dorothy.
Something has come up.
Someone unexpected "doiiing iiit".
You remember Caroline? What with the crazy nut-job who said she was gonna scratch my eyes out? Yes.
Sweet girl.
Look.
She is coming over tonight and she gets very jealous of other women.
So, you're gonna have to leave.
Where am I supposed to go? I don't know, just click your heels three times and get the hell out.
Fez, I am not gonna leave my own apartment! Okay, you know, you're right.
I'm being unreasonable.
Just go into your room and don't come out untill morning.
And eat quiet foods only.
Yoghurt, marshmellows, maybe cotton candy.
But save me some, because I just love it.
I can't believe this.
I mean, we made a plan to watch the Wizard of Oz.
Yes, and then I was offered sex, so ding-dong the plan is dead! Oh crap! Did we blow a fuse again? Kitty? What are you doing? Making your day, sailor! And step dip hair flip Kitty, watch the candles! Oh, my God! Your hair is on fire! Whaaat? Am I out? Wow! This is really nice.
Oh, it's been so long since I've sat and talked to a man and been able to move my own arms freely.
Whose mascara is that? Fez, is there another woman here? What? No, no! It's a it's mine.
Yeah, lashes like this don't come naturally baby.
Uhm, why don't you go to the kitchen and uhm open us a bottle of wine? Well, my doctor says I'm not supposed to drink while I take my meds.
But what he doesn't know is I didn't take my meds.
What are you doing? I have to go to the bathroom.
Well, you should have thought of that before I locked you in your room! Fez, where is the corkscrew? Uhm, it's under the sink, my dear.
You are supposed to stay in your room.
I even gave you quiet foods.
Yeah, ok.
The yoghurt you gave me expired two months ago and it's smells like vomit and peach.
Honey? Yes, baby? I can't find Where did you get that yoghurt? Oh, uhhh Uhm I-I keep yoghurt all over my apartment.
I love it.
See? Yuumm.
That's the stuff.
So, uhm did you find that corkscrew, honey-pie? Not yet.
Fez, I'm not like you.
I don't know how to entertain myself in the dark.
Oh, here it is! I want to watch the Wizard of Oz! Okay.
Uhm Okay, a scarecrow gets a brain, a lion gets some courage and the robot gets a heart.
You know when I was in the kitchen, I wanted to carve our initials into my arm.
But that's what the old crazy me would have done.
So I carved them into your counter top instead.
Well look who's all better.
Please Leo, you have to remember who you sold that record to.
Think! Who have you seen today? Well I remember a guy with scraggly hair and a beard.
And he was brushing his teeth.
That was you in the mirror.
And then there's this other guy, with big lips and another guy with long hair and another guy with a thumbtack in his head.
That would be the Aerosmith poster.
You know, I have been trapped in this vortex before.
There is a way we can jog his memory.
It was Fez, man! Okay, Red.
You're not gonna be happy.
My stylist said, "there wasn't enough left up there to salvage my old hairdo".
So I'm sorry, but Woooooow! Look at you! Do you like it? Hubba-hubba! Really? I have been trying so hard to get you to notice me and all I had to do was set my hair on fire.
How do you like go upstairs and let me see it in the dark? Or we could leave the lights on Well that was a nice appetizer, but I believe the main course will be served in the bedroom Yes.
I am going to brush my teeth.
Yoghurt-breath.
Why don't you go in and put on some Barry White.
Where are they, you pervert? Donna, you have to leave! I'm not going anywhere without my pictures! Shhhh! What pictures? The naked ones of me, the ones in the Barry White record you bought.
Ahhh, crap! What the hell are these? And what is she doing here? Will you give me those? Fez, I thought you said you lived alone.
I do.
She's just visiting I swear! There is no-one else that lives here.
Screw this! You know, I'm not gonna sit locked up in my room with stale marshmellows.
I live here too! Oh, that's incredibly bad timing.
Two women? Okay.
Caroline, I have to be honest with you.
Juanita and Mary-Jose are my maids.
Well then.
They can clean up all of your blood! Okay.
Here's how you make fruit salad.
First, let me squeeze those melons.
Oh, aren't they nice and firm? Yes.
.
Now grab my banana! Oh, it's huge! All right, you perverts.
Stop it right now Another fruit salad? Why can't they ever be having sex?