Dad's Army (1968) s08e06 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? -Ah, Wilson.
Come in.
-Thank you.
-Sit down.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
-Still doing the paperwork, I see? -Yes.
-Now, this, this concerns you particularly.
-Oh? Yes, the officers have been asked to submit confidential reports on their sergeants.
-Oh, really? -Mmm.
And so to be absolutely fair to you, -I've copied out what I've written.
-Mmm-hmm.
And we can go through it together.
You can countersign it, so you're sure I'm not doing anything underhand.
-Well, I'm sure you wouldn't do that, sir.
-No.
Right.
''Conduct.
'' -''Good.
'' -Oh.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
This means your military conduct, of course.
It's nothing to do with your private life.
Oh, I see.
Now, next, ''appearance''.
Now -I had a lot of difficulty over this.
-Oh, yes? Why was that, sir? Well, I've known you for a good many years now, Wilson.
I mean you are my chief clerk.
I suppose you're almost a friend.
As your commanding officer, I must be both fair and impartial.
Yes, sir.
-Well, you'll see what I've written.
-Ah, yes.
''Could do better.
'' How could I do better, sir? -Well, look at you.
-Hmm? Untidy hair.
Collar undone, cuffs undone.
Yes, well, I mean it's so much more comfortable, you see.
I mean, I always do them up if somebody important is coming.
Yes, it's not altogether that, you know.
I mean, your Your general bearing is very slack.
-You don't even stand like a soldier.
-Really? I -I had no idea.
-It's quite true, I can assure you.
You're frequently to be seen standing like that.
Oh, yes, it's all very well to laugh.
Only needs a couple of inches more, and you can be taken for one of those nancy boys.
-You should be standing like that.
-Yes, well, I know.
I'm awfully sorry, sir, if you don't think I'm quite smart enough.
I mean, I really I wouldn't upset you for the world.
You're not upsetting me, Wilson.
It's just that we are supposed to be soldiers, and there happens to be a war on.
Yes, of course, yes, II suppose I'd forgotten.
Anyway, what's next? (CHUCKLING) ''Parade ground manner.
'' ''Room for improvement.
'' I'm glad you find that funny.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
But you see, it really does read like a headmaster's end-of-term report.
I wouldn't know anything about that.
We didn't have any of that public school nonsense at the school I went to.
If you didn't pay attention, you got a clip over the ear.
Jolly soon paid attention after that.
Oh, look, ''general alertness.
'' ''Could Could do better.
'' I think I should take this seriously, Wilson.
After all, it could affect your entire Home Guard career.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I really promise you, I, I'll try and I'll try not to laugh anymore.
Sorry.
I've tried to let you down lightly there, you know.
You know what I should have put under ''general alertness''? -Yes? -I should have put ''dozy''.
-Dozy? -Yes, dozy.
The way you You walk about in a dream.
Aha! Are you all right? You see? Took no notice, did you? I could have been a Nazi, attempting to cut your throat.
Yes, well, you're not, are you? You're you.
Waving thatpaper thing about.
Well, I think you're throwing away great opportunities.
-Between you and me, Wilson -Mmm-hmm? there are some big changes in the wind.
This little band of ours could could develop into something three times the size.
These three pips of mine -may become a crown.
-What? You? -You a major? -Oh, yes, indeed.
I intend to turn this platoon into a company.
And in that case, you would be in first line for company sergeant major.
Or even second lieutenant.
Yes, but, where are all the other extra men going to come from? I intend to take time by the forelock here.
In the words of the great CB Cochran, ''Early to bed, early to rise, no jolly good if you don't advertise.
'' I'm going to I'm going to start a recruiting campaign.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
-Permission to speak, sir? -Yes.
-It's falling-in time, sir.
-Oh, is it? Good.
Yes, and now, half the men are in the hall and half the men are in the yard.
Now, do you want the men in the yard in the hall? Or the men in the hall in the yard? -In the hall please, Corporal.
-Very good, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Right.
All those standing in the hall, fall in in the hall! Sir.
Shan't be a minute, sir.
All those out in the yard, fall in in the hall.
Right, sir.
All the men in the hall and in the yard are obeying the orders at the double, sir.
Thank you, sir.
All the men Mr Jones Excuse me, sir.
We have to fall into the hall.
Right, lads, fall in in the hall.
There's no need to go through here.
JONES: Do as the officer says and fall in the other way! Fall in the other way! -Fall in the other way.
-Come this way.
Fall in the other way! -Fall in the other way.
-Fall in the other way.
The men are now fell in the other way, sir.
That started It, that started It That's how the trouble all began So, that's our target, then, to treble our strength.
And, erm, in addition to those people we know personally, of course, who we can try to persuade to join us, I think that a poster displayed around the town would be a very good thing.
Sir, I think we ought to have one like General Kitchener.
''The Home Guard needs you.
'' How remarkable.
I was thinking along exactly the same lines, Jones.
Of course, I don't have any pictures of myself like that, but I could have some taken.
No.
Hold on, hold on I don't think we should have an officer's picture at all.
Oh, why? It's not officers we need, it's men.
Yes.
I think we ought to have a picture of Uncle Arthur.
Thank you, Frank.
But I wouldn't want that.
No, I quite agree.
Sorry, sir.
Yes, but Mum says he's ever so good-looking.
My sister Dolly always says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
There's no need to be rude, Godfrey.
Sir, I think we should do it in confidence, sir.
We should all vote in a secret ballet.
And then we can The one that wins, he can have his picture on the poster.
Yes, I think that's a terribly good idea.
Don't you agree, sir? Well, it's a compromise, I suppose.
Well, whatever happens, we'll need a photo and I happen to know a fine photographer who's very cheap.
Oh! Good.
-Right, lay that on, Frazer, would you? -At once.
And, Wilson, would you organise a secret balletballot? He says that I begun It Now, all the votes have been counted in the secret ballot, and I will now ask Mr Yeatman to hand me the result.
Hand me the result, please, Mr Yeatman.
Here it is, Your Reverence.
Captain Mainwaring has won.
Oh, well done.
Congratulations, sir.
Very good, indeed.
Very gratifying, I'm sure.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just a minute.
I'm announcing these results in the reverse order.
Captain Mainwaring has one vote.
See, I thought it was agreed that we wouldn't vote for ourselves.
I voted for Captain Mainwaring.
Thank you, Godfrey.
Crawler! Private Pike has two votes.
-Thank you, Uncle Arthur.
-It's all right.
All right.
Sergeant Wilson has four votes.
-Well done, Uncle Arthur.
-Quiet, quiet.
And Lance Corporal Jones has 1 0 votes.
(ALL EXCLAIMING AND CLAPPING) Lance Corporal Jones is the winner.
Yes, thank you, Mr Yeatman.
I had managed to work that out for myself.
Lance Corporal Jones is the winner.
-Oh, good old Jones.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Well done, Jonesy, congratulations.
Well, it's been a fair fight, and I'm very satisfied with the result.
What time do we come around for the sausages? He says there's nothIng I can do I says you know what you can do Hello, Frank.
Has Jonesy come round to have his picture taken? No, not yet.
But the photographer's here and he's getting everything ready.
Ah, good.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Hmm? -I think you ought to come and have a look.
-Whatever for? Well, it's not very modern.
Where do you want this, Mr Frazer? What is it, son? It's my sister My sister Dolly's aspidistra.
That's where, that's where Mr Jones is gonna have his photograph taken.
He's gonna look like that one of my grandad on Mum's whatnot.
I do see what you mean.
Where is he? Where's the photographer? -I'm under here.
-What? -Ah.
-Good afternoon.
WILSON: Ah! Mr Bluett, sir.
I didn't know that you did this sort of thing.
Oh, yes.
I had the concession on the West Promenade for years.
I used to say, ''Hold still, me jolly holiday makers.
'' Then I used to go click, dip it in the tank and hand it to them all wet for two bob.
And it didn't fade until they got home a week later.
The backing is just a little, teeny-weeny bit old-fashioned.
No, it'll fit Jonesy's face.
I like it.
I think it's very refined and well-meaning.
I hate those, those brass copper-plated things.
Right.
Where do you want me to stand? -Stand over there, Mr Jones, please.
-Right.
Right.
Mr Mainwaring's not gonna like it.
And he's gonna blame you.
Well, it's nothing to do with us, Frank.
I would like one with a very grim and serious expression.
You know, something like this.
I see, well, you'll have to hold your hand absolutely still for six seconds.
Six seconds? I can't hold my hand still for six seconds.
Well, I can't say I blame you.
I don't think I can do it myself.
Couldn't you, couldn't you use a flash? I can't get the bulbs.
What about flash powder? Ah, yes.
Now, I tried that once at a wedding.
And I must say the picture had a lovely quality.
But the hall burnt down.
Now, look.
I'd like to try one like this.
I can hold this position for six seconds easy.
All right, Jonesy, take a deep breath and keep absolutely still.
One, two, three, four, five Well, what a pity.
Never mind.
We'll have another one.
Say, there's no extra charge, is there? -No, no extra charge.
-Thank you.
I say, Wilsie.
Do you think I should have one with me spectacles off? General Kitchener, he never wore spectacles when he was photographed.
Come to think of it, he didn't wear spectacles when he wasn't photographed.
-Mr Mainwaring is not gonna like it either way.
-Just keep quiet, Frank.
Now, I think, Jonesy, on the whole, it might be better if you had them without -without the spectacles.
-How's that, then? -Right.
It's fine as long as you hold still, son.
-Yes.
All right.
Deep breath.
One, two (FLY BUZZING) three, four, five Hold on! Hold on! We cannae have that.
Now, look.
That's no good.
His eyeballs will look like fuzzy prunes.
-There's still no extra charge? -Right, this is the last one.
Did you hear that? Hold still, you silly old fool.
Don't you speak to me like that.
I'm a lance corporal, I am.
You're not to call me a silly old fool.
I can have you on a fizzer for prejudiced conduct.
Right.
Sit down! Shut up and hold yourself still.
I'm ready.
Go! One, two, three, four Squad, squad, 'shun! You're making a monkey out of me.
-What's going on here, Wilson? -Just getting ready for the photograph, sir.
Oh, I see, yes.
Who's the photographer? -It's me, Mr Mainwaring.
-Hello, Mr Bluett, it's you.
-That's right, yes.
-Frazer fixed it up, sir.
-He does it very cheaply.
-Yes, yes.
It's, it's very artistic.
Come and have a look.
Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, Mr Mainwaring.
Woo-hoo.
I'm sorry, but that's not what we want at all.
-That looks ridiculous.
-Yes.
-I told you so.
-Now, keep quiet, Frank.
Captain Mainwaring, wouldn't it be better if I had my hat on? No, no, no.
It's not your fault at all, Jones.
It's just that Wilson has got entirely the wrong conception.
It wasn't my conception at all, sir, in the first place, you see.
When I was doing this little sketch in the office this was the sort of thing that I had in mind, you see? Now ''You'', then a picture of Jones' face, ''Need a new hat.
'' Then a picture of a tin hat with ''Home Guard'' written on it.
And underneath, ''The Home Guard needs you today.
'' -Well, that's very good.
That's a very good idea.
-Yes, that's what I thought.
We don't need all this paraphernalia.
-All we need is Jones' head.
-Oh, well, we'll soon do that.
Come here, Mr Jones.
We want your head.
Er, Mr Bluett, go a little bit closer, Mr Bluett.
We only need Jones' face.
-Oh.
-That's it.
How's that? Here, that sheet come off my bed.
They'll soon stitch it up, man.
Captain Mainwaring, do you want me with me glasses on or me glasses off? Oh, on, I think, Corporal.
The trouble is he can't keep still.
I never saw anyone like him.
I can keep as still as you can keep still.
Yes, but I don't have to keep still, do I? Well, I promise to keep still this time no matter what happens.
All right.
Now put your expression on.
Go.
One, two, three, four five, six.
-I kept still, didn't I? -Yes, you did.
Well done, Jones.
-That was a very good one.
-Yes.
-No, it wasn't.
-Mmm? Didn't put the plate in.
One more for luck.
That started It, that started It Sorry, I can't take any more printing orders for weddings, fairs and that sort of stuff.
I'm only taking war work.
Bye.
Fred.
Fred, get your sandwiches off that machine! You'll have raspberry jam all over the type.
Come on.
Get your weight on your feet.
-Oh.
-Mr Bugden, it's slowing down again.
Eh up.
So it is.
Wait a minute.
(CLATTERING) I can't get the spare parts, you know.
Now, where was I? Where were we, then? -Well, it's this escaped prisoner of war poster.
-Oh, yes, I remember.
Let's have a look, then.
My, I wouldn't like to meet him on a dark night.
-How many do you want? -About 50.
All right, I'll do 'em as quickly as I can.
Bung it in the basket, will you? -Be all right there, will it? -Oh, yes, that's all right.
Wait a minute, 50 -You can have them the day after tomorrow.
-So long.
Right-o! (PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Take care of yourself.
What.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm only taking war work.
I can't do visiting cards.
Well, you'll have to tell him who you are.
Fred, Fred, come on.
The big 'un.
She's running dry.
-All right.
-Get moving.
Oh, it never stops.
.
(BANGING) -Mr Bugden.
-Eh? -Mr Bugden.
-What? I think we, I think we spoke on the telephone together.
Oh, yes.
I remember.
You're the one with the posh voice.
Yes.
Well, what can I do for you? Well, this is the rough idea.
-''You need a new hat.
'' -Yes.
I'm sorry, I can't take hat adverts.
I'm only doing war.
Yes, well, this is a war hat, you see.
The Home Guard.
-Home Guard? -Yes.
Well, I suppose Home Guard counts as war.
-And that's the picture.
-Oh, dear, oh dear.
Yes.
Well, I'm afraid I can't do many for you, see, it's the ink.
You can't get it.
-Oh, no.
Can't you, really? -No, no.
-You can't get the paper neither.
-I see.
It must make life awfully difficult if you happen to be a printer.
Murder.
Absolute murder.
Well, wait a minute, it's military.
-How about I give you 50 -Yes.
-the day after tomorrow? -Oh, yes, that's fine.
That's excellent.
Thank you very much, indeed.
-Now, shall I leave them here somewhere? -Yes, just put them in the in-tray there.
-Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
-My pleasure.
-Very good of you.
-Not at all.
Good day.
I says It's hIm what does It Come in.
Captain Mainwaring, the printers have sent around a sample of the poster.
Oh, good, good, good.
That was a very ingenious design that you devised -Wilson.
-Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Oh! Not a very good likeness, is it? That's not Jonesy! Can't I trust you to do anything? I don't know, I don't know what you mean by the wrong picture.
-Hang on a minute.
Fred! -Yes? -Fred? -Yes? -Where's that Home Guard poster? -Ah, here it is.
There you are.
What about that, eh? You daft Arbuckle! That's the prisoner of war.
The other one! -Hurry up.
The military are on.
-Here we are.
Fred, you've mixed them up.
Hello.
There's nothing to worry about.
-We'll sort it over and let you have the right one.
-Thank you very much.
-Fred you'll have to tear the lot up.
-I can't.
I gave them to the bill poster last night.
-What have you go there, Mr Jones? -Half a dozen eggs, Pikey.
-Can I have one, please? -No.
I'm taking them to Mrs Trosser.
I look after her sometimes.
I don't think it'll come to anything.
She's 83.
I've got to meet her here, you see.
You better be getting along, Pikey.
Oh, look, they're giving away free polish.
That's Free Polish.
This is a club for free Polish foreign soldiers.
Can I wait with you? -No, you'd better be cutting along.
Go on, Pikey.
-Give us an egg, then.
Go on.
All right, then.
''Escaped prisoner of war.
This man is dangerous.
'' Ha! Ugly-looking swine! (WHISTLING) Don't panic! Don't panic! Stop or I fire! (FIRING) If you had been a prisoner here in my camp, my friend, you would not have escaped quite so easily.
Now who are you? I keep telling you.
My name is Jack Jones.
Lie! Lie! Lie! It's the truth, I tell you.
I'm a butcher.
Lies! Lies! Lies! You ain't half making a mess of your desk.
That's mahogany, that is.
You're not taking care of it, are you? -Silence! -Sorry.
Now, I shall ask the very same question in a different way.
Who is that? -That's me.
-Ah.
So you admit it? It's me.
Jack Jones.
Listen, my friend.
You try to be funny with me, and it's going to be very, very bad for you.
Do you mind if I speak to my sister by telephone method, please? Silence! You're not supposed to talk to me like that.
I'm secretary of the Darby and Joan Club.
Tell me.
Where did you get that moustache? That's my moustache.
I've had that for ever so long.
Concealed in your bunk, eh? It's false.
Admit it.
(GROANING) You, you wait till Captain Mainwaring hears about that.
He'll have you on a fizzer.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Ah, Major.
Thank you for ringing back.
I have here your escaped prisoner of war.
Yes.
Please pick him up as soon as possible.
I don't want him to teach my prisoners bad habits.
What? Not till Wednesday week? Ah, very well.
I shall keep him here, and we shall make him very welcome.
(SPEAKING POLISH) Put him in the compound with the others.
Can't wait to see Mainwaring's face when he clamps eyes on this.
(GUFFAWING) Here, Napoleon! You seen that? HODGES: Cor blimey! Look at that, there! Great Scott, Wilson, you've mixed the photographs up! -Well, it's nothing to do with me, sir.
-Can't you do anything right? Excuse me.
I don't know whether you're interested but I was in the town half an hour ago, and I saw Mr Jones being driven off in a truck by a lot of Polish soldiers.
Of course, I expect you know all about it, but all the same I thought I'd like to be sure.
Oh, cor blimey, that's good, innit? Those Poles, those Poles, they run one of the prisoner of war camps.
And they'll have seen this and carted him off.
-Come on, Wilson.
We're gonna get him out.
-Right, sir.
-What are you gonna do? Dig a tunnel? -Come on.
Climb in Jonesy's van and we'll drive there straightaway.
Hold on, sir.
Hold on.
-Jones has the key.
-I'll drive you.
I'll drive you in my van.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
That started It That's how the trouble all began I'm not supposed to be here, you know.
It's all a mistake.
They won't listen to you, them Poles.
Oh! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! Woo-hoo! I'm over here! I'm over here! They won't let me out, Mr Mainwaring.
These here won't speak to me, and him in there, he won't listen to me.
Don't worry, Jones.
We'll have you out of that in a jiffy.
Hey, you! Get your commanding officer and look sharp about it.
It might pay to be rather tactful.
Damned impertinence.
-I'll soon put him in his place.
-Yes.
Go on, Napoleon, you tell him.
Hey, you! Put that gun down and listen to me.
(COCKING GUN) I think it would be a good thing if you do not beat anymore about the bushes.
Well, Captain Mainwaring has no intention of beating about the bushes.
He doesn't like that sort of thing at all.
Don't apologise to him, he's the one who's in the wrong.
You are the one who's in the wrong.
You have no papers.
Yes, we're awfully sorry about all that.
-No we're not at all Wilson.
-Oh.
Anyway, I don't need papers.
I'm British.
I'm not just some foreigner.
What's more, I'm known to everybody in the area.
-I do not know you.
-I'm gonna phone my commanding officer.
When he hears about this, your feet won't touch the ground.
Won't be necessary for you to phone anybody.
That's better.
You see, as soon as you call their bluff, they climb down.
-I demand the release of my colleague.
-Ah! So that man is your colleague, eh? That's very interesting.
You're a fine gallant man, Captain Mainwaring, you are.
I've always said that through thick and thin, you'd stand by your comrades.
And you have.
That wasnae gallantry.
It was sheer stupidity.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Hmm? You think my mum will be allowed to send me a Red Cross parcel? Go away, Pike.
What time do you think they'll serve dinner? It'll be fatty soup.
They always serve fatty soup in these places.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's fatty soup! Steady on, don't lose control.
-What do you find so funny, Wilson? -Just a thought.
-Do officers have confidential reports? -Oh, yes.
It's the same for all of us.
Yes.
I wonder what the Colonel will say on yours when he gets to hear about all this.
-Wilson.
-Hmm? You're doing it with both hands now.