Duck Dynasty (2012) s08e06 Episode Script

[Si.]
The old ball and chain, Martin.
[Jase.]
Are you getting nervous? Tell the truth.
No I'm not nervous.
- You're not nervous? - No.
- You look nervous.
- Huh? It's just the way you look.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm not nervous.
- Really? - No.
No.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The last remaining bachelor in the duck call shop is fixing to tie the knot.
Face is red.
- It's sunburnt.
- Nerves.
To say that Martin needs some grooming Huh? is an understatement.
Yeah.
That's why they call us groomsmen.
You should be nervous.
Hey, we're talking about eternity here.
What God has joined together [both.]
let no man separate.
Although we're not very well groomed [loud belch.]
we do know a thing or two about marriage.
The boy's life, OK, is over as he knows it.
I tell yah, y'all are one fine support system here.
He'll thank us for all the advice one day.
So have you decided who's going to be your best man? I'd be a pretty good best man.
- Uh.
- I thought I was your best man anyway.
No, I said you were the best man for planning the bachelor party.
[Si.]
When is the bachelor party? Because we're going to send the boy out in a blade of glory.
Boom! Fireball! Hey.
You didn't get the email? - [Martin.]
Uh-oh.
- I don't get email.
I'll check the email.
- Si doesn't even know what an email is.
- That's right.
- I sent out emails.
- Godwin.
Bring cabin stuff.
That's it? [Jep.]
That's it.
Cabin stuff.
What is cabin stuff? You know, cabin stuff.
You boys don't know nothing about a bachelor party.
OK, nobody has said anything about explosives.
You got to have explosives at a bachelor party.
- [Godwin.]
Cabin stuff.
- [Jep.]
Cabin stuff.
[Si.]
Boooom! [Ducks quacking.]
Godwin, you did good.
Man this place is awesome.
- Did ya'll see the cannon outside? - Look at all this stuff.
Yup, that's a cannon.
Look at all these old doves, man.
What is that, a civil war pistol here? Hey Martin.
- Huh? - Hand me them gloves over there.
All right.
Si, be - [Si.]
I do declare, sir.
- [Martin.]
What? I challenge you to a dual.
Have you lost your mind? Why did you slap me? - I am general Nathan Beauregard.
- What? And we will meet on the field of honor, sir, unless you are a coward.
[Laughter.]
- Slap me again.
- Finest of a pistol.
Don't do it again.
This cabin, hey, it's perfect for a bachelor party.
OK.
It's got everything you need: Dueling pistol, OK, gloves to slap people with.
He's got all the usual suspects here: Rattle snake, you got the logger head, and the the little mutant.
That's a chupacabra, boys.
No, it's not.
I guarantee.
OK, no wonder Godwin would pick this spot.
It looked like a redneck Applebee's in here.
Godwin, what's no the menu? Ta-dah! - [Martin.]
What is it? - Looks like a printer.
It's a bread maker.
Godwin, have you ever actually been to a bachelor party? I want to try it out.
No, the answers no.
- [Martin.]
Well, there's old Al.
- How's it bearded ladies? - [Martin.]
Bang zone.
- Ready to get this party started? - What in the world is that? - It's my karaoke machine.
I'm talking about that growth on your face right above your top lip.
You're talking about this 'stache? Is that thing going to be on your face for my wedding? Mm-hm.
Focal point.
This is premeditated beard murder.
Al didn't arrive just fashionably late.
He arrived about forty years late.
I mean I don't encourage shaving, except in an emergency situation.
- And that's, that's 911 right there.
- Uh-oh.
And I've never felt better.
Mustache's by themselves haven't been cool since about the '70s.
I'm against all mustaches.
And we all know that that was a troubling period of American history.
Magnum P.
I.
, greatest detective of all time is that not true Si? Identity crisis.
Identity success.
The old crisis inflation, discos, the me generation, mustaches.
- Chuck Norris.
- Dale Earnhardt.
- Dale Earnhardt.
- Sam Elliott.
- Sam Elliott.
That's a good one.
- Uh-oh.
Right.
Coincidence, I think not.
I mean the bachelor party was started off good and now it's taken a turn.
- You ready to fire up a little Steely D? - For the worst.
Hey, the first man to use that teriyaki machine gets shot, y'all.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Alan.]
OK? [Si.]
With my dueling pistol.
[Martin.]
He already slapped me with a glove.
Willie, put your phone up.
Come on we're working now, man.
Kay, I'm trying to do a little business.
[Groans.]
Where do you want it? Over here.
[Willie.]
My mom's always dreamed of having a petting zoo to share with her grand kids so I'm taking the morning to help her get it all set up.
[Miss Kay.]
I'm excited.
I can tell you're excited.
I mean, it's on my bucket list, this is.
You got a small bucket, Kay.
No, I mean, I dreamed about this since I was a little girl.
[Willie.]
Unfortunately today happens to be Martin's bachelor party, so I want to get this over as quickly as possible so I don't miss out on all the fun.
But according to Jep's last update, about the only thing I'm missing is some pumpernickel bread.
[Groans.]
What kind of animals are you putting in there Miss Kay? Oh, we're going to have every kind.
It's going to be great.
We're not having every kind Kay, we're getting three or four animals, - like a goat - [scoffs.]
another goat and a maybe maybe just goats.
I'm thinking about one of those little monkeys.
- The what? - I might even make it a little hat.
Have you ever tried to pet a monkey? Well, we could put rubber things on their teeth.
- All right.
- So they couldn't bite.
The Hannibal Lector monkey is out so You know what? We can have a miniature elephant.
We're not having an elephant, Kay.
Maybe we could order one from like Africa or somewhere or just, just off the Internet.
- Oh, boy.
- You can pay for it.
Kay, we're not building a circus here.
You're not the boss of this.
Well, technically this is my place, so I kind of am, but But I'm your mother and you said I could put my animals here.
I said you could put a few animals, not Noah's arc.
Throw a donkey in there, a donkey, a couple of pigs.
Why are we doing this again? I want the grandkids to have the farm experience.
[Willie.]
Well, speaking of the kids, we need to go pick them up.
Let's go.
- [Miss Kay.]
You're acting bossy again.
- [Willie sighs.]
[Bleating.]
OK y'all want to come over here and I'll show you the first? - Oh, do we.
- We've got all kinds of animals.
Oh my goodness I'm so excited.
- Kay it stinks in here.
- Y'all ready to see something adorable? Oh, we're making memories for life.
- [Bleats loudly.]
- [Gasps.]
- Whoa, take it easy pal.
- [Bleats loudly.]
- Oh precious.
- [Diane.]
Isn't it cute? [Miss Kay.]
Willie, it look at you.
Look at him.
You're going to be able to see her in a few minutes.
Oh, I'm so excited.
[Bleating continues.]
[Willie.]
I thought that the smell in this petting zoo was bad but the sound of these animals, let's just say it wouldn't surprise me if they were making hot dogs in the back.
- [Man.]
You want to hold them? - Newborns.
- [Man.]
Treat them like a baby.
- [Miss Kay.]
Just like a baby.
We'll take those two.
We're good.
- No, we're not finished.
- Oh, no, we got way more.
Come to think of it, that may not be a bad idea to let them see me eating a hot dog.
Just to send a message.
- [Cow moos.]
- Oh! Is that a cow? - We'll bring him out.
You ready to pet? - [Miss Kay.]
Are we? Behave or this could be you.
- Can we get this cow too? - Not enough room.
No, I want this cow.
This has got to go.
Oh, man.
Would you guys like to see more animals? - [Gasps.]
- No I think we're good.
[Miss Kay.]
No, we got to have more.
Say more Willie, more Willie.
More Willie, more.
Pipe down, River.
[Diane.]
Ready for the donkey, Luke.
She actually does tricks.
- She does tricks, Willie.
- Does he donkey kick? They do.
No I'm just joking.
[Diane laughs.]
Everything about these animals is magical.
You know Jesus rode on a donkey, right? We can do a Christmas play and have that miniature donkey.
Actually, Jesus rode on a bigger one.
- [Miss Kay.]
Oh, he did? Well, I'm glad.
- [Diane.]
Yeah.
I just love how cute they are, how soft they feel, and especially how adorable they sound.
[Pig squeals.]
[Pig squeals loudly.]
That's his quiet voice.
I can tell they're begging me to take them home.
- Y'all ready, kids? - How about some llamas? - Let's role.
- Yeah we need a couple more animals.
We have a mama llama and a baby llama.
- [Gasps.]
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Take it easy, pal.
Take it easy.
Hey there.
[Willie.]
This place is starting to feel less than a petting zoo and more like Jurassic Park.
I thought the humans were supposed to be in control, not the other way around.
We've got a We got another dude over there.
[Diane.]
Chase that one down.
[Man.]
Close it, close it, close it.
Whoa! And instead of resurrecting these animals, old Diane's figured out a way to sell them off to my mom.
[Loud commotion.]
Clever girl.
Hey, Willie I've got to have one of these.
Whatever.
Let me just get out of here.
I got to go to a bachelor party.
These actually come as a pair, Willie, I'm afraid.
They're a family.
Don't know if this'll fit in the trailer.
They'll fit.
We'll make sure they do.
- Diane, you ain't helping here.
- You hear that kids? We get both llamas.
[Kids.]
Yeah.
- [Goat bleats loudly.]
- [Willie.]
Shut up.
- [Animal growls.]
- [Machine sounds.]
Hang on guys, I think I got this thing.
I can't get it to turn on for some reason.
- [Si.]
Got it short.
- [Jase.]
Look.
- Check, check.
Ya'll hearing that? - Nope.
Perfect, so it looks like I'm going to do this acapella.
Let me stop you right there.
Look around and tell me what you see.
[Alan.]
Blowers, knives, broken karaoke machine.
- A big blue marlin.
- Chupacabra, boys.
No, Si.
It's right there in front of you.
- Hey, chupacabra, boys.
- No! - That's the best thing in here.
- Weapons.
Oh, hey.
Look, I'm not an expert when it comes to bachelor parties, but I do know when it's time to spice things up.
You got all these weapons.
Some of them I have never seen before.
- Well, let's go blow something up.
- That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, we can always do Steely Dan later.
No.
No, we're not doing it.
A bachelor party should not be about - Check, check.
- Pumpernickel bread.
Chupacabra, boys.
It's about celebrating being a man, and the best way to celebrate that is with a gun in your hand.
I'd like to shoot that Kentucky flintlock.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- He's got the ammo over in that shed.
He has an ammunition shed? Yeah.
What are we doing sitting around here eating bread? - Let's go shoot some stuff.
- Hang on.
Choose wisely and I'll meet you outside.
- Hang on.
Hang on.
- [Jase.]
What? I got dough rising over here.
- Forget the dough! - Let the dough rise.
You don't have to watch it.
Grab the spare gun.
[Makes gunblast sound.]
[Si.]
I, sir, I challenge you to a dual.
- All right, everybody's got your powder? - Yup.
Got it? All right, load the powder.
[Cocks guns.]
Boy, this is taking a little bit of time here, boys.
If I was on the other side, y'all would all be dead.
[Si.]
Hey, everybody that's been in the military hey, you've got to be ready for battle at a moment's notice.
Can you imagine somebody charging you while you're having to do this? All right, boys, I'm in full cock.
- Hold on.
- Wait.
- Calm down.
- [Alan.]
He usually goes off half-cocked.
[Si.]
If you wasn't ready when the enemy attack, hey, you couldn't just say "Whoa, whoa wait a minute, hold on now.
" - Everybody ready yet? - [Jase.]
No.
[Si.]
Hey, look, if this was a real battle, Martin would have lost half of his groomsmen.
- Are you ready? - Let me get comfortable.
- What are we doing? - All right hold on.
- Fire! - Hold on.
- Fire.
- Wait.
Lucky for Jase, the opposition, they ain't much of a threat.
[Si.]
Private Dingleberry, you have assaulted my whole family's honor.
Prepare to die, sir.
[Jase.]
Ready aim fire.
[All cheer.]
He dead.
- Suck it.
- [Alan.]
That's what I'm talking about.
When I hit that flour, did I not look like Charles Bronson? - [Chuckles.]
- [Jase.]
Charles Bronson? - [Alan.]
Yeah, exactly.
- You did not hit the flour.
- What are you talking about? - You don't look like Charles Bronson.
- Death wish.
- You look like Titto, Titto Bronson.
That works for me.
Man when you shoot this thing, it feels like you're shooting a cannon.
Oh, my goodness.
How they ever hit anything with it, I don't know.
Wait a second.
Why don't we go shoot the real cannon? Now we're talking.
He don't know nothing about no heavy artillery.
I hate to say it, but I think I'm with Si on this.
You didn't come this far to retreat.
This country was established on the back of cannons.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
- America.
- It's in the national anthem.
Bombs bursting in air.
Uh-oh.
You got me.
You got me there.
I'm all in for it.
Plus we're teaching Martin the greatest attribute in marriage.
What? Shoot a cannon? It's easier to give forgiveness than permission.
This is "Marriage 101.
" - Come on, Martin.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- Come on.
I have wanted to shoot that cannon ever since I saw it.
Let's fire that cannon.
Now it's turned into a bachelor party, boys.
What's the worst thing that could happen? - [Jep.]
Death.
- [Si.]
Jep could blow us all up.
Could just be manned.
[Kissing.]
Aw, precious.
Well, Miss Kay, you got a pen full of animals, you ought to be happy.
[Jessica.]
Smells like poo poo.
How did you talk Willie into all these animals, Kay? I just wouldn't take no for an answer.
I should try that sometime.
Miss Kay, you got your animals.
I'm going to my bachelor party.
Hey, kids, y'all want to milk the goats? - Yeah.
- I like milk.
I want you to milk the goat before you leave.
I'm not milking the goat.
The kids want you to help milk the goat.
Kay, tell Phil to milk the goat.
He's probably done that before.
Thanks, dad.
[Sighs.]
It's all in the technique, Will.
Be nice to her, Willie.
Technique.
- Be gentle.
- Kay you want to help? No, I can't get down and get up.
You know I'm slow.
- Oh! I'm getting the hang of it.
- [Miss Kay.]
Oh, look at it.
[Willie.]
Well, I had a pretty good game plan at the beginning of the day: Help Kay with her petting zoo in the morning, then book it over to the bachelor party.
[Miss Kay.]
Oh, look at that.
Oh, sh! Man down.
Milking an honorary goat was not on the itinerary.
Yeah, you're a little off on your technique when they go to kicking.
- Thanks dad, that really helps.
- [Phil.]
Technique.
But it's not all bad.
Take it easy, take it easy.
I mean, it does feel good knowing that I went out of my way to help make Miss Kay's day.
A few more days like this, I'll finally pass up Jep as the favorite son.
- River you said you wanted some milk? - [All scream.]
- Technique.
- [All scream.]
- [Miss Kay.]
I'm not - Yeah, Kay! - [Jessica.]
Kay, close your mouth.
- I'm leaving.
[Willie.]
Kay, I'm going to my bachelor party.
[Miss Kay.]
Good riddance.
[Gun cocks and fires.]
- [Breathes fast.]
- What did he say? She's loaded now, boys.
We're fixing to send that thing up into outer space.
You think you're gonna hit the barrel with the cannonball? Yeah.
I bet you anything that you can't blow up that barrel.
- Anything? - Anything.
I will bet you that mustache.
- Whoa, now wait a minute.
- We will blow up that barrel.
Let's not go crazy here about the mustache.
The mustache is staying.
Put your 'stache where your mouth is.
OK? Uh, whatever.
Are you confident or not? I feel very confident in keeping my 'stache.
That's all I can say.
- If you're that sure about it.
- Yeah.
- I'll put my mustache up.
- We've got a deal.
We going to blow something up or are we gonna sit here and run our mouths? Hey, I just made a bet.
All right, cannoneers post.
When was the last time you done this? Hey, cannoneers post! That means assume your positions! Especially you, Private Dingleberry.
Hm? Hey, my military career didn't end after Vietnam.
I've taken part in countless Civil War reenactments.
- Load.
- [Indistinct gibberish.]
- What? What did he say? - [Indistinct gibberish.]
- I can't understand what he's saying.
- [Indistinct gibberish.]
Firing Civil War cannons OK, look it's not rocket science.
Warm the barrel.
Clear.
Advance the round.
Hey, rocket science, that wasn't invented until later.
Ready.
One two three Fire! - [Men.]
Whoa! - [Martin.]
Good night.
- So much for the 'stache.
- [Both.]
Boo-ya! - Give me some of that! - [Laughter.]
That was awesome.
[Si.]
Now that's a bachelor party boys! [Jase.]
I don't know which is better, seeing that cannon blow that barrel to smithereens or never having to stare at Al's mustache again.
- Bye-bye 'stache.
- Uh-oh.
This is under protest.
Sorry, Al.
You got a razor? The only thing that could have made it better was if it the concussion of the blast made Al's mustache go away.
But fortunately for Al, there's a safer way to remove facial hair.
[Si.]
Smooth as a baby's bottom.
Boys, I feel naked without my mustache.
Well, I wish I could say you look better, but nah.
I look good either way, Si.
Well, did I miss the cannon? - [All.]
Oh yeah.
- Crap.
You also missed the mustache.
- Who had a mustache? - I don't want to talk about it.
All right, why don't ya'll say we say a prayer, bless the food and then eat? - [Si.]
That sounds good to me.
- [Overlapping chatter.]
Let's pray.
Father we love you, we're grateful for another day.
We are thankful for all our friendships and relationships.
Father, I ask you to bless Martin and Brittany and their upcoming marriage.
Pray that you give their relationship patience and perseverance and forgiveness.
We're thankful for Jesus.
Through Him we pray.
Amen.
[All.]
Amen.
[Martin.]
Let's get on them fish.
[Jase.]
Congratulations Martin.
And congratulations to you.
[Alan.]
A perfectly good mustache Stinks.
[Willie.]
As a Robertson, there are a lot of ways we consider ourselves manly.
Whether that's providing food on the table, growing facial hair or shooting guns.
But our manliness ain't defined by these actions, as much as it's defined by the people in our lives.
We don't really grow into manhood until we learn to act as men towards our loved ones, whether that's by taking on endless nagging by our mothers, or the endless love of our soon to be wife.
And despite still being a bachelor, I have all the confidence in the world that Martin will make a great husband.
All right boys, to Martin.
He has no idea what's coming.
- [Martin.]
Thanks for everything fellows.
- [Alan.]
What do you say boys? - Are we going to kick up some Steely D? - [Si.]
No.