Last Man Standing s08e06 Episode Script

1 You know, I got to be honest with you, Reverend.
As much as I enjoy your sermons, your guest preacher today was pretty amazing.
PAUL: Yeah, and Kyle's not even a minister.
- Makes me wonder if I overpaid for seminary.
- (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Personally, I didn't care for it.
- Oh, stop.
- Seriously.
When Twinkle Toes here gives a sermon, I get a great nap.
Kyle kept me awake the entire time.
Well, I'll be in the pulpit next week, so bring your pillow.
Listen, I've got that HR meeting at 12:00 noon.
Somebody tell Billy Graham-cracker we've got to go! (SIGHS) Let's get the hell out of here.
I mean, let's stay the heck in here.
Uh, we-we can't leave.
I mean, look at him.
They love him.
He's like Barry Manilow after a show in Vegas.
They're all treating me like the "minister's wife".
It's creepy.
(CHUCKLES) Mandy, I get it.
You ever notice how quick my wife bolts out of here? Yeah, I bolt out of here so fast I didn't know you were married.
VANESSA: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Could you go see if he will get going, - please? - Yes, yes.
Do you really have a conference call? Or are you just trying to avoid church coffee? How is it weak and bitter? Doesn't make any sense.
All the regional HR reps are meeting to try to pitch a new manual.
Kyle's got to be there for this.
You know, I think it's kind of amazing how far Kyle's come - at Outdoor Man.
- MIKE: Yeah.
- I'm really proud of him.
- MIKE: Well, you should be proud of me, I'm the one that, you know, made him.
Kyle's sermon was about humility.
Are you sure you were awake for that? I am proud of the kid, too.
As a matter of fact, I'm working on convincing Ed - to have him be the HR supervisor - (GASPS) for the whole region.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
That would be pretty incredible.
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
Is there anything this kid can't do? Yeah.
Yeah.
Can't get away from a bunch of old women.
Tell him to move his car, Baxter.
Why even have an Employee of the Month parking spot if the Employee of the Month me doesn't get to park in it? I named you Employee of the Month.
You know, isn't the prestige enough? Do you need all the trappings? CHUCK: There are no trappings.
There's just a-a parking spot ten feet closer to the door.
Which you've stolen for a week.
You've gone mad.
You're-You're unstable.
M-Mike, what-what are you gonna do about this? I've already done something about it.
You guys have been on speakerphone.
- What? - With who? Kyle Anderson.
Human Resources.
You guys are in trouble.
Seriously? Again with the parking spot? Just trying to right a wrong, Kyle.
No, no, I'll tell you what's wrong.
The two of you, coming in here and wasting Mr.
B's valuable time with this, this May I cuss? Please.
crapola! MIKE: Oh! You guys are in serious trouble.
Look, on Sunday my fellow HR reps and I, we talked about how to handle situations like this.
It was when we were discussing the chapter, "Dealing With Children".
Watch it, son.
I don't like your tone.
I don't like my tone, either.
So here's what we're gonna do, okay? We're gonna take a five minute cooling-off period, and then the three of us are gonna reconvene in my office where we can deal with this like adults.
Can we try that? I'm good with it.
Thank you.
Mr.
Alzate? Fine.
Did you hear the way that kid spoke to me? I was sitting right here.
And what do you propose we do about that? I propose we make Kyle regional HR supervisor.
Exactly.
Ah Take that! Ah Take that! (WHIMPERS) I'm out of bullets.
I'm out of bullets! I told you to get more at the armory.
Ah! They're biting me! (SCREAMING) Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
What's-what's going on? Uh, she's trying to save the world from zombies.
But I'm only one little girl.
What is this, a video game? - Virtual reality.
- Oh.
We got it for Boyd and he's gotten really good at killing zombies and blowing up Star Destroyers, and really bad at finishing his homework, so W-Why is it here? And-and why don't you just tell him he can play after he does his homework? Well, it's not just him.
Ryan plays all the time, too.
And, frankly, I've lost a day or two.
You want a turn, Vanessa? You get to blow stuff up.
- No, I don't want a turn.
- Wh - You know, when I was a kid - Here we go.
No, wait a minute.
Now, wait.
We would get on our bikes to explore.
- We'd go to the lake, we'd climb trees.
- Hmm.
We'd use our imaginations to entertain ourselves.
But, Vanessa, you're a scientist.
Isn't it a little close-minded to criticize something you've never tried? Come on, Mom, pretend you're fun.
- Oh, give it to me.
Give it to me.
All right.
- (KRISTIN LAUGHS) - Uh Okay.
- That - Like this? - I want you right uhp.
- No, no.
There we go.
- Whoa.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, oh, it's a desert.
Okay.
Uh oh, uh Uh, American Southwest, clearly.
Um Oh, cumulous clouds.
(LAUGHS) Orange-banded sandstone and quartz? (SCOFFS) Oh, come on, come on, make up your mind.
What are you, Arizona or New Mexico? Oh, what is this? Oh, zombies.
Oh, come This is original.
- Don't just stand there.
Start killing! - This is so stupid.
No.
No.
No, thank you.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
Nothing in that computer compares to the thrill and adventure I already get from real life.
Where are you going? Big Kart.
We need toilet paper.
All right, uh, yeah, you can grab the salad dressing.
Great.
Will do.
Oh, I see you got one of those virtual reality sets.
Devil's workshop, Vanessa.
Oh, no.
No, no, that's not mine.
I'm with you.
I hate those things.
Oh, no, I meant my favorite VR game is The Devil's Workshop.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
Oh.
Look, I'm sorry I'm late.
I got stuck at work.
How exactly does the boss get stuck at work? Well, maybe the boss remembered he was having dinner with his pastor.
- Anything I can do? Table.
- Yeah, table.
Uh Good news.
Ed signed off on giving Kyle that new job.
(GASPS) Yes! Oh, that's amazing.
Great.
What job? Regional director, Human Resources.
Wow.
You know, if Jesus had had one of these, I don't think Judas would've left the camp.
Actually, I think there's a better job for him.
I'm gonna tell him he should enter the ministry.
- You mean become a pastor? Wow.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
So, I-I chisel a rock into a beautiful statue and the church is going to steal that from me? (CHUCKLES) It's not stealing, Mike.
- It's-It's God's calling.
- Says who? I've been praying on this and God spoke to me.
Did he, now? I've been praying, too.
God spoke to me, just the other night.
"Don't listen to him.
I'm just messing with him".
Listen, I firmly believe this is part of the Lord's plan, and I don't think even the great Mike Baxter wants to compete with God.
Oh, I don't think God's above a little competition.
Look, we both want the same thing, right? I say, let the best dude win.
Honey? Did you just call out God? We could also make it a little more interesting.
Put a little wager on it.
Ugh, it just got worse, I Okay, I hardly think it's appropriate to bet on the Almighty's divine plan.
Yeah? How about a 30-year-old bottle of scotch? Oh, you're on.
Hey.
You wanted to see me, sir? Yeah, come on in, Kyle.
You know, I was thinking, it's been a while since you and I had dinner, just the two of us.
Well, actually, you and I have never had dinner together.
(CHUCKLES) So it's been a long while.
We can change that tonight.
Oh, I'd-I'd love to, but I'm-I'm meeting with Reverend Paul.
He wants to talk to me about something.
I bet he does.
Yeah.
I wonder what's on his mind.
Well, you're gonna think this sounds crazy, but I think he wants me to consider going into the ministry.
Is that even something you'd consider? - I don't know, you know, - Yeah.
I'd have to leave Outdoor Man, right? Not much for a minister to do in a gun store.
Outdoor Man's the only place I feel like I've ever really belonged.
And I'm finally starting to feel really confident in my job.
Plus, you'd have to think about Mandy.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
And it's hard to imagine Mandy as a minister's wife.
Unless you're one of those private jet, mansion ministers.
No.
Then it would be hard to imagine.
But the big thing is I don't know if I'd be any good at it.
You were great when you preached on Sunday.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but that part doesn't worry me.
There's a lot of other stuff that a minister has to do.
You know, really important stuff.
And I'm not sure I'd be good at that part.
I'm glad you confided in me.
I think I can help.
Sit down.
You remember when you first started working at Outdoor Man? And you did everything perfectly and you didn't make any mistakes.
Uh actually, no.
I remember I made a lot of mistakes.
Right.
Right.
Like the time you took all the skis from the Boise store and you sent them to Tucson.
- Ugh.
"Desert-gate".
- Yeah.
It was a big mistake, you know.
Expensive.
Legendary in the retail business.
That story goes over and but it was just a mistake.
Yeah.
See, I'm worried something like that might happen if I became a minister.
Well, you can rest easy.
Because it will.
Listen.
But if you happen to send two poor souls to "the wrong store", that's just part of the cost of doing business.
(CHUCKLES) - Never thought about it that way.
- Nah, nah, nah.
That's why it's always good to have a trusted advisor.
Yeah.
All right.
- Thanks.
This helped.
- Yeah, great.
- All right, I should go.
- Okay.
(WHISPERING): Yes.
(NORMAL VOICE): When you talk to the reverend, tell him our old friend Johnny said hi.
Johnny Walker.
(PANTING) - Ah.
- Jen.
- (GRUNTS) - Jen? Jen? (SCREAMS) - I'm late for study group? Oh.
- Yeah.
It's because that thing is a total time suck.
Oh.
Bye! Yeah.
Enjoy real life.
(FORCED CHUCKLE) - (DOOR CLOSES) - Where'd you go, you flesh-eating scum? Oh, there you are.
There you are.
All right, come on.
You come on.
Come a little closer.
Ha, ha! Grenade! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Grenade! Grenade! And flamethrower! (GRUNTING) Get some! Get some! Get some! Hee-ya! Hee-ya! Ha, ha! Hello? What happened? Everything went black.
What? Oh, what is this? Some kind of zombie trick? What? (GASPS) Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, this is not good.
Oh.
Uh just pick this up right here, and, uh, just there like that.
Maybe it just needs to sit a minute.
Okay.
It's total time suck! - (CHUCKLING) - So, how'd the parking thing go with, uh, Kyle Anderson, Human Resources? Oh.
Yeah.
We got it all worked out.
Yeah, we had to.
Kyle said we were on his list.
Yeah.
I don't want to be on Kyle's list.
I think Kyle's gonna make a great HR supervisor.
- Let's raise a glass to Kyle.
- To Kyle.
- To Kyle.
- Yeah.
You low-down, sneaky, backhanded, rattlesnake bastard.
Well, ministers have changed since I was a kid.
God is calling Kyle to service, and you undermined his confidence.
You've torn him from God's embrace.
- Whoa, whoa.
- I don't know all the details, but not cool.
Well, God took his shot, I took mine.
Turns out, Kyle sees things my way.
And God is surprisingly generous in defeat.
What bible are you reading? Finished with work and ready for a drink.
What am I talking about? I don't drink.
Well, off to the shelter to wash feet.
Listen, Kyle gave me a lot of reasons why he didn't want to go into the ministry.
He likes his job here, he's finally feeling confident, and he's certain that Mandy does not want to be a minister's wife.
Whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about? Well, apparently, Kyle was being embraced by God until your dad broke them up.
Be honest with me.
Is that the life you see for yourself? Bad coffee? Flat shoes? (SCOFFS) No, I don't want to be a minister's wife.
(GROANS) Super sorry.
But Dad, I-I know that Kyle wants to be a minister, and I will do everything he needs me to do to support that.
I wish your dad felt that way.
I'm just telling you how the kid feels.
And I'd sure hate to lose Kyle, but he'd make a hell of a minister.
I might even start going back to church.
(CHUCKLES) Nah.
Well, he got Ed to move his damn car, so we already know the kid can work miracles.
You know, just about everything Kyle does, he does because he wants you to be proud of him.
Your support is the only confidence he needs.
PAUL: He wants this, Mike.
He's just scared.
You need to undo what you did.
So I whupped God and now I got to take on me? Well finally a fair fight.
I don't know what happened.
It's all black.
Did you drop it? No.
I love this thing.
(WHISPERING): I'd never hurt it.
Hello, ladies.
(CHUCKLES) - KRISTIN: Hi.
- What's, uh what's going on? Uh, well, the game is broken.
Do you have any idea how that happened? Me? How (SCOFFS) How would I know? Well, it kind of looks like someone knocked it off the table.
Oh, shoot.
Yeah, uh, you know what? Yeah, um, it was me.
I-I was I was, uh, over here vacuuming and, um, I-I had my back to the machine, you know, which which was behind me, - and, uh - Mm.
You know, the cord, 'cause cords - such a nuisance.
- Right.
Just well, just knocked the-the the thing over.
- Really, Mom? - Yup.
Yeah.
Are you, uh are you sure you weren't playing it? No.
No way.
No.
I live in the real world, remember? Oh, shoot.
Yeah, you know what? You know what? Uh, yeah, I did.
I-I put the-the headset on just for a second, uh, because I wanted to see if, uh, the technology would be useful for other sciences, like, you know, like mathematics or astronomy.
Um, higher pursuits than torching the undead with a flamethrower.
You can't get a flamethrower until level seven.
Ryan hasn't even gotten to level seven.
I got to level ten! Listen, no.
No, no, no, listen, listen.
There's an underground military base that has every kind of weapon you can imagine.
- Level ten? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that takes time.
Oh, so much time! But please, just get the thing out of my house.
I missed a book club, I forgot to eat.
I-I am I'm just I'm so glad that it's broken.
Oh, oh.
Wait.
It, uh it's not.
Looks like a cord was just loose on the monitor.
You know, I heard there's a Humvee with a rocket launcher on level 11.
And-and, you know what? I found a set of keys on level nine.
I mean, I knew they had to be for something.
So, what do you say? One hour, and then I have to make dinner.
Hey, Kyle, could you step in here a minute? I want to ask you something.
Thanks.
(EXHALES) Okay, I don't-I don't really know how I'm gonna do this, so you feel free to chime in with any ideas.
It's pretty well known you're a big buttinsky.
Hey, you called me, sir? Yeah, and you and you came.
Um you can go.
Kyle? Yes? Is there something you need me to do? Yes, there is, and, um You can go.
- Kyle? - I am right here.
Why do you keep coming in? 'Cause you keep calling me.
If this is one of your teaching moments, sir, can we get to the teaching part? 'Cause I'm getting a little throw-uppie.
I called you 'cause I need you to do something.
And you came before you knew you could do it.
Why is that? 'Cause if you didn't think I could do it, - you wouldn't have called me.
- Yeah.
I think we've arrived at our teaching moment.
Sit down.
Reverend Paul thinks you're being called to the ministry.
Do you know what that means? Definitely.
No.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Do you? Ah, boy.
It means nothing.
Oh.
That's comforting.
Kyle.
I am God.
(KYLE LAUGHS SOFTLY) He's kidding.
You're kidding, right? For the teaching moment, I'm playing the role of God.
And to be quite honest, it feels so right.
Okay.
If I or God calls you, what does that mean? That you already think I can do it.
Right.
Am I ever wrong? - Are you asking as you or as God? - (CHUCKLES) Tomato, tomahto.
What's the difference? God's never wrong.
Well, then what you got to think about is forgetting what Reverend Paul says and what I said.
Do you think God is calling you? Yes.
Then really all you got to think about is, are you gonna answer that call? I don't know.
Um What if I mess up, and I send a bunch of skis to Hell? It's not your job to be infallible.
That's for God.
And for me.
Yes, sir.
Listen, um, you're valuable to me, Kyle.
You always come when I call, but I I think there's a bigger call coming through right now.
Okay.
Kyle? I am proud of you.
I'm really gonna miss it here.
What? You There's many years of study before you become a minister.
You're gonna be here for quite a while.
Oh, thank God.
You're welcome.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
When I was a young guy trying to find my way, I heard the call of the wild.
I remember it well walking in the woods and coming eyeball to eyeball with a 12-point buck.
It was like he was looking right into my soul.
I didn't realize it was my life calling until the next day when I was eating him.
With some oven-browned potatoes and candied carrots.
Yum, yum, yum.
If you're someone who has a harder time finding his path, I recommend the compass.
Huh? Inside, a little magnetic pin spins according to the Earth's magnetism, right? Right now it's pointed at look at that pointed at me, 'cause I'm quite magnetic.
I mean Is it the eyes? The intellect, the effortless charisma? Who am I kidding? I'm the whole package.
But for mere mortals, the compass is a great tool to help you find your way.
The only thing the compass requires is a belief in true north.
If you trust in that, there's a whole world of exciting adventures ahead of you.
Hiking, fishing, or you might get eaten by a grizzly bear.
Now if being mauled and slowly eaten alive is not one of your life goals, I also recommend Outdoor Man bear repellent.
Which should be applied the way Democrats raise taxes liberally.
I choke on the word.
Take care out there.
Happy trails.
Baxter out.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)