Shameless US s08e06 Episode Script

1 [GRUNTING.]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
What were you doing last week that was so important you missed the episode? Well, here it is.
- Unless you wanna watch us.
- [LAUGHS.]
Fuck off.
Yeah, fuck off.
I was at Betty Ford three times.
It didn't work for me.
You cleaned me up in five days.
Nora-Jean's folks are gonna give you $2,500 for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.
I'm ready to go back to who I was An upstanding citizen.
I believe in second chances.
Welcome to Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Mr.
Gallagher.
- Ugh.
- What? My stupid dad just walked in.
- [DURAN.]
You want to get out of here? - Yeah, sure.
Joplin, here we come.
Farhad doesn't want any E, so he said he'll drive first.
[EDDIE.]
You might want to think about finding that new sponsor now.
Hey, your kid needs you.
Check for the church.
It's a down payment.
- Who are you? - The youth shelter.
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor? And I'm over feeling guilty for wanting to better myself.
I promised those kids that church, Fiona.
Find another fuckin' church! [ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? I mean, it's incredibly unfair.
What pisses me off most is that Ian knows I'm not against a shelter for those kids.
I love screwdrivers.
It's just not in my backyard.
There.
I fuckin' said it, and I didn't catch on fire.
The thing is, when you're screwing something hard It's not like I'm some rich jerkoff who's worried that his view is gonna be spoiled by a bunch of homeless people.
It's just satisfying.
Are you even listening to me complain? No.
But you are his sister.
You think he'd be on your side.
Right.
It's my own family.
If I screw up this apartment building investment, I'm gonna be the one living in a shelter.
I've put everything I've got into this.
Blood, sweat uh! Oh, fuck.
- Is that Mrs.
Cardinal? - Did she ever pay? No.
I gave her a week three weeks ago.
All I've heard since is a bark.
[SQUEALS.]
Mrs.
Cardinal? No more fake dog barking.
[MUFFLED BARKING.]
There's a water leak coming from your apartment.
I have to come in.
[BARKING CONTINUES.]
I'm coming in.
Mrs.
Cardinal? [WATER DRIPPING.]
Jesus, that smell.
- [HEAVY DRIP.]
- Oh, God.
[SIGHS.]
Mrs.
Cardinal! God! [GROANS.]
- Ugh.
- [TUB DRAINING.]
Pfff.
[EXHALES.]
[SIGHS.]
This is a fire hazard.
And all sorts of other hazards.
[WHISPERING.]
God, I can feel diseases crawling up my legs.
[DOG WHIMPERING.]
Hi.
There really is a dog.
Hi.
[CLANK.]
Oh, fuck! [LAID-BACK ROCK MUSIC.]
No.
No, no, no.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No, don't do that.
Oh, my God.
[BARKS.]
[WHISPERING.]
Fuck! Hey there, sweetie.
Aren't you the cutest little thing? Are you the cutest little thing? Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
- Hey, Ness.
- She okay? No, Mrs.
Cardinal's dead.
Oh, gosh.
Yeah, probably for a few days.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
This little love bunny you just need some love, don't you? Don't you? Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ness, there's there's something you should probably know about that dog.
What? You're up with the sun, my son.
I had to drop Fiona off at her building so I could use her car to fake Uber.
Did you feed the junkie? Yeah.
She said she was cured and wanted to go home.
That's what they all say.
You water her after school for me? I should get more.
Junkies are nasty.
Son, addiction is a disease.
Try not to judge the afflicted by the curse.
- Shit.
- What's wrong? Mm, I asked the Academy if they'd help me out or anything, you know? But they turned me down flat.
Damn Comanche gets a full ride, and I don't get a cent.
Difficult to begrudge a little restitution for our Native American brothers.
How much more you need? After the junkie downstairs, I'll still be $4,227 short for this first semester.
What if I give you $5,000 to kill Fiona? Murder's a capital crime, Ian.
I'd do it for ten.
You should be doing it as a public service.
And what, pray tell, is this? That is a letter, Frank.
I beg to differ.
It is, in fact, my invitation to the middle class.
My first non-fraudulent credit card.
I am officially in the club.
Somebody at the credit card company is losing their job.
Au contraire.
I'm as reliable as rain in Seattle.
In fact, you are looking at Employee of the Month.
I'm getting my photograph taken for the Wall of Fame.
- I gotta make money.
- Yo, drop me off at Patsy's? Five bucks.
You're heading that direction anyway.
[CARL.]
So? It's quite an honor.
Only freaks at my school get Student of the Month.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
That's different.
I was sort of hoping he'd show up at the meeting.
Shit, he could be dead for all we know.
You try the police? Yeah.
Nothing.
Last bender, he disappeared for three weeks.
Jesus, three weeks? - Hey.
- He's not at the shop.
Hasn't been there.
You try Cami? Yeah, she's not picking up.
[WHISPERING.]
Yeah.
I never should've gone back to work for him.
He was sober for so long, I thought maybe he had his shit together this time.
He's a drunk.
Drunks drink.
It's a setback.
People have setbacks.
All addicts are narcissists.
I don't even know what that means, but if it means asshole, I agree.
- What are we gonna do? - What do you mean? W-we can't just sit here, right? The guy's self-destructing.
He's on his own.
No.
No, I don't I don't accept that.
What you do or don't accept doesn't have anything to do with it.
All right, well, I'm gonna look for him.
I-I mean, maybe he's at Cami's.
Mm, not likely.
She tossed his ass out.
Maybe his fuckin' battery ran out.
Okay? Maybe he's sleeping it off somewhere.
Who knows? I'll find him.
Come on.
- I need your help.
- Me? Yeah, who'd be better at finding a drunk than you? Can't stop I know what's good for me [MOANING.]
Let loose Never be the same Ooh, ooh [MOANING.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh I love the feeling I get [SVETLANA.]
No, no, no.
You cannot come yet.
- [SQUEALING.]
- Not yet.
- [PANTING.]
- [SQUEALING.]
[SVETLANA.]
Now you may come.
Oh! I love the feeling I get Ah! [GASPS.]
I'm livin', I'm livin', livin' high [EXHALES SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
When you do as you're told, you get rewards.
I'm livin', I'm livin', livin' high I love the feeling I get Frank, are we poor? No.
You saw my new credit card this morning.
We're on the climb, son.
Frank Gallagher is ascendant! Then why do we walk to school when everyone else drives? Well, we're more dedicated to the survival of the planet, reducing carbon emissions.
Besides, walking's good exercise.
So we are poor.
Relatively, yes.
'K.
See ya.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Don't.
It's just [SIGHS.]
You know.
I thought I'd seen your orgasm face before, but that [CHUCKLES.]
I've never seen that before.
Like a whole body freak-out.
It was good.
Is that why you guys have me go first? So you can get me out of the way? So you can have your exclusive girl party? You're my man.
You know that.
It's not a man that you want.
You came like your head was gonna explode.
I have great orgasms with you, too, babe.
All the orgasms that you've ever had by me The-the-the swing set, the alley behind the Safeway You never once had a spas-gasm.
She's a woman.
She knows a woman's body.
Well, great, V.
If a woman knows a woman's body so much better, maybe I should start doing guys, since they know guys' bodies better.
Maybe then I can have a spas-gasm.
- You're not gay.
- You don't know that! You don't know that.
I might be.
I might be gay.
Part-gay.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Suck a dick.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I will go suck a dick.
I could be all gender-liquid like you.
- You don't know.
- You mean gender fluid? Fluids, liquids, whatever.
Fair's fair, right? You get to be with another girl, fine.
Well, I'm gonna be with a man.
We'll see how okay you are with it when you peek in the shower and you see me coming all over some guy who isn't you, and you weren't invited.
I'd like to peek in shower when you come all over a man, too.
No! No! You're not invited, and neither are you.
When I do gay shit, it is just for me.
I gotta go to work.
You two just lick each other like cats all day while I'm gone.
Best idea he's ever had.
Mm-mm, four times this morning is enough.
[LAID-BACK ROCK MUSIC.]
Four? So what do I do now? You guys contact next of kin? Yes, ma'am.
If we can locate any.
I'm sorry, I I don't have any information.
It's not unusual.
I only saw her a couple times.
Nobody visited.
She was pretty much a shut-in.
So what about all this? Technically, it goes to her heirs.
If any turn up.
If you do turn something up, an address book, anything, give me a call.
Thanks.
Sure.
Hm.
Kind of a cute dog.
Yeah.
Not so sure after what I saw.
I called animal control.
They'll be by to pick him up.
What'll happen to him? They put 'em down once they've eaten human flesh.
- Jesus.
- Good luck.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Rusty? - [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Gotta stay here, buddy.
Okay? [YIPS.]
Stay here and wait for the executioner.
[WHINES.]
Sorry your friend is dead.
- Morning, Kev.
- Mornin'.
What can I get you? Can I get a coffee, two sugars, and a bran muffin, please? - What's up? - Hey, what's up, man? [AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY.]
Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah, sure.
Shoot.
How did you know you were gay? Were you, like, straight, and then started experimenting and just decided that you liked being gay more? I guess I just kinda knew.
So you were always positive that you were into dudes more? I no, I guess not really.
You know when you're younger, everyone tells you that you're supposed to be into girls.
So I, uh I kinda went through this weird phase in fifth grade where I was really into this chick Carrie Yazel, but I'm pretty sure it's just 'cause she was the one who looked most like a dude.
Eh, it wasn't until, uh Until what? Justin Timberlake.
Yeah.
- He's hot.
- Yep.
Are you attracted to me? - No.
- Why not? I'm not hot? Yeah.
But I mean Ian, soy latte no foam, extra hot.
Two sugars and a muffin.
Yours is paid for.
The guy at the end of the counter.
I gotta run.
You buy my muffin? Yeah.
Are you hitting on me? Excuse me? Are you trying to fuck me? N-n-no.
No, I j I just I, uh no.
'Cause it's not a It's not a bad thing if you were.
I'm not offended.
And I'm not saying no.
I'm I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
Um, once a week, I I try and do a good deed.
- So - So you're not hitting on me? No.
No.
No, no.
- It was totally random.
Ah - [SIGHS.]
I really I hope you're not offended, because, you know, I I just You're a good-looking dude and everything, I'm just No, I'm straight, so.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Sure.
Have a nice day.
[WHISPERING.]
Is that code? For what? No.
No, it's not code for anything.
It just means "have a nice day.
" Right.
Okay, sorry.
No.
Okay.
Have a nice day.
The fuck? If you do find him, don't bring him back.
Unless he's sober.
He used up all nine of his lives.
Brad's been a rock for us.
And we want to return the favor.
[MURMURING.]
- Would you mind? - Oh.
I'll get the tea.
It's so nice having somebody to talk to.
We waited four years Four years To have a baby, hoping Brad could handle it.
Thank you.
And the second we do, he goes off the wagon.
Listen, Cami, you should be pissed, of course, but it's a disease, you know, and he's fighting it.
I can't be worried about two babies.
I have to be worried about where the next paycheck is coming from and then feeding that one! [BABY COOS.]
You're a natural.
Uh, I think it was all him.
[BABY WHINES.]
[WHISPERING.]
There you go.
There you go.
[GASPS.]
Oh, hey there.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know.
Oh, sorry.
[LAUGHS.]
I love Brad.
Sober Brad.
If he wants to kill himself he has to leave us out of it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Cami.
Any chance you can track Brad on your phone? Your love, sweet as cherry pie Are you the one for me, honey? [MEN GRUNTING.]
I never want to say goodbye Are you the one for me, honey? Who knew it would feel like this To be in love with you, honey? Ooh, ooh You got me feeling right, whoo-hoo Got my real cool guy, ooh-ooh Oh, my God.
Hey.
Did we? Like four times.
Uh, did we use any Well, I did try to pull out the first time.
No.
Damn it! - No! - What's wrong? - I'm pregnant! - What? You can't know already.
Hi, good morning, Franny.
Oh, hi.
Ooh.
Mm.
I do know.
I can feel it.
I'm ovulating.
My boobs are already twice as big.
Oh, my God, I can feel your sperm attacking my egg! [WHISPERING.]
Oh, God.
I am not gonna make the same mistake twice.
No, Franny, uh, you're not a mistake.
That's not what I mean.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the pharmacy.
I need to get the morning after pill.
Can you watch Franny and give me your car keys? What's the big hurry? What's the big hurry?! I've got less than 67 hours - [TIMER DINGS.]
- To swallow that pill.
Or else I'm going to have to make the same decision that led me to have Franny, whom I love more than anything in the world, but if that little seed plants itself, I'm not for sure certain that I can get it scraped out! And I've already got my hands pretty goddamn full, so do not tell me to chill the fuck out! [TIMER TICKING.]
Thank you.
I'll be back.
- Um - What?! Actually, we did it Thursday, too.
[TIMER DINGS.]
Fuck! [AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY.]
Really? It's three bucks, Frank.
Cash is obsolete and dirty.
Who the hell gave you a credit card? I love shopping from the convenience of my own home.
Look at that.
Got same-day delivery.
What the hell could you possibly need the same day besides more booze? You know, that's a miracle when you think about it.
By pressing "buy," I put an entire world in motion to meet my personal needs.
I am no longer fettered by the necessity to visit stinky malls and rub shoulders with the great unwashed.
Here we go.
Voila.
Bring it to me.
- What are you getting? - I already guessed booze.
An automobile.
Emphasis on "auto.
" You bought a car online?! No money down, no payments for three months.
It's practically free.
You see, this is what it's like to be in the inner circle.
To be one of the "haves.
" Oh, shit.
I wonder if I should have gotten the air-conditioned seats? For my tushy.
[SIGHS.]
[TIMER TICKING.]
Excuse me? May I help you, miss? Hi.
I can't find the morning after pill.
Yes, uh, we keep those behind the counter.
Could I get one? Do you sell loosies? Yes, ma'am, uh, that would be $46.
87 plus tax if I had any more.
What do you mean? I am fresh out.
Sorry.
People stock up on the weekends, especially since the casino opened.
[TIMER TICKING.]
Goddamn it.
[ELECTRIC GUITAR STRUMMING.]
[DOG WHINES.]
Shit.
Fat lot of help you are, sittin' here.
Come on, Fiona, just get through it.
Julie was alive on a Monday Feeling better than an hour before He was tryna get a little idea what The rest of us want Wasn't ever meant to be in the spotlight It was just the way it happened to fall That naturally long physique that The rest of us want [TIMER TICKING.]
Really? May I help you? Yes, hi.
I called in an order for the morning after pill.
No, you didn't.
It's not by prescription.
Uh, yes, I please? $65 and your ID, please.
Yes, thank you.
[TIMER TICKING.]
Sorry, you have to be 17 in Missouri to buy the pill.
What? No.
I'm almost 17.
That's ridiculous.
If I'm not 17, I have to have another baby? That doesn't even make any sense.
Well, what am I supposed to do? God.
Fuckin' Missouri.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
That's his truck.
[CARL.]
The hell is that sticking out of the truck? [LIP.]
I think it's Michael Jordan's arm.
[YOUENS.]
United Center? You got to be fucking kidding me.
Apparently he looted a bakery.
Okay.
Shit's now getting dark.
What are we gonna find next, a body? Why do you even care about this dude? He's a psycho.
Done worse.
Oh, it's extensions, see? So? What does that even mean? It's like a goddamn puzzle.
It means he's a drunk.
Come on, help me get the arm.
Why? 'Cause if Bulls fans find it in Brad's truck, they're gonna skin him alive.
Come on.
[YOUENS.]
What the hell are you gonna do with it? Oh, it weighs like 1,000 pounds.
Yeah, I know.
[TIMER TICKING.]
Excuse me, ma'am? Would you please help me? I made a mistake and I'm trying to take responsibility for it.
I had a little bit too much to drink, and I didn't use any protection.
Would you be so kind as to buy me the morning after pill? - Of course.
- Really? I really appreciate that.
Thank you.
Sisters gotta stick together.
[TIMER TICKING.]
[SIGHS.]
Have you guys ever experimented? Like in chemistry class? - I took shop.
- Me too.
No, not a chemistry experiment.
But, like, you know sexually? No.
Nope.
Oh, you mean like rolling her over? No.
Forget it.
[TOMMY.]
[LAUGHS.]
Jesus! Who died? Gotta look sharp for my Employee of the Month portrait session.
Just another rung up the ladder, boys.
Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.
[PHONE BEEPING.]
[BABY COOS.]
- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Franny.
Good morning.
How are you? It's Mommy.
I'll be back in just a few minutes.
Oh, sweetie.
I know someday you may want a brother or sister, but right now I need to make sure I can finish welding school so I can get a sweet job and we can get a house, a yard, and a swing set how about that? Wouldn't that be fun? But right now if I had another baby, that would be a really big disaster.
Hey, did you get it? [TIMER TICKING.]
Hey! Where's my pill?! - [YELPS.]
- No fucking way! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
Give me back my money! Get off of me! You slut! [FRANNY.]
Mama.
Damn.
Hey.
You are so beautiful.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks.
You know what I just realized? Is something wrong? If I were gay, I would be all over you.
You're gorgeous, and I already love you, but I'm just not interested in your vagina.
And that tells me that I'm not a lesbian.
Simple logic.
Does this have anything to do with the Russian invasion of your pussoir again? There's something about that angry bitch that gets me off even when I want to stab her with a rusty carving knife.
It's pretty obvious, isn't it? You like it when she bosses you around.
I do not like it.
It pisses me off.
Well, it doesn't piss off your vagina.
V, you like to be dominated.
Dominated? Have you met me? I brought you the schedule.
Melody can't do Wednesdays 'cause of her mom's chemo, and Sierra can't do Saturday mornings 'cause of Lucas's T-ball, so switch those and they're good.
This is the most fucked up place I've ever seen.
So the old lady died? Her name was Helen.
Her husband got killed in Vietnam.
Look.
She was pregnant.
See? It was a little girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
They got married just down the block right before he shipped out.
May 12th, 1972.
New Covenant Baptist Church.
I mean, that could be me, V.
An old lady, dying alone.
Nothing but purple clothes in the closet.
Nope.
You're not gettin' rid of me.
And I will never let you wear purple.
[CHUCKLES.]
Quit screwing around and clean this shit out.
Dominated? Really? Do you have a better explanation? [DRIVING ROCK MUSIC.]
[FRANK WHISTLES.]
The lesson here is that in America, if you keep your head down and work hard, you will be rewarded.
Hm.
Come on up.
Does it have Bluetooth? Crank it.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Let's ride.
- Whore! - Redneck! - Baby killer! - Fuckin' thief! How would you like it if somebody scraped you of their vagina?! Oh, I would be fuckin' fine with it How would you like that?! Because it would mean I'd never met a stupid cunt like you who thinks she knows what to do with other people's uteruses! One of these bitches better make bail before dark or it's gonna be a long damn night.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY.]
If you want to experiment, you should do so with experienced teacher.
Yeah, maybe, but I just don't feel very gay.
Man, woman What difference does it make if you get pleasure? A cock is nothing more than a deformed clitoris.
I don't have very good gay-dar.
I wouldn't know where to look.
Do not look past the trees to the forest.
What the hell does that mean? Is that some Russian proverb or something? 'Cause it's very confusing and not helping.
Hm? What? - Don Wessel's kid? - Mmm.
He was first team all-city linebacker a few years ago.
Oh, my God.
Grandma said she was crazy, but wow.
Hi.
I'm Fiona.
Are you her daughter? No, I'm her niece.
Her daughter's been dead for years.
I was Helen's landlady.
Sylvie.
The police called.
I'm her only relative, I guess.
You didn't know her? No.
Not really.
- Huh.
- Ugh, this is awful.
Yeah.
She was alone here for a long time.
Except for this little guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
She hadn't spoken to the family for years.
Any idea why? Her and Grandma fought about something.
Strange, huh? Whole life, no forgiveness.
Yeah, that's a shame.
So I'm the lucky heir to all of this? Lucky you.
I'll leave you to look through it all.
It just looks like a bunch of garbage.
Well, I did find a few photos I'm gonna call my husband.
Bring in some reinforcements.
Okay.
[DOG WHIMPERING.]
Ah, you gotta stay here, okay? Animal control is gonna come for her dog.
[MAN.]
Hi, thanks for calling.
I'm not able to answer my phone right now.
[HIP-HOP BOOMING FROM CAR.]
Son What say we pick up some hos? Apparently civilization has reached a new low water mark, Dominique.
Last night, a vandal severed the arm of Michael Jordan.
That's right, Chicago's greatest hero has been mutilated, no doubt by some crazed Celtics fan.
Hey.
Uh, you remember a guy that might've accidentally taken these? I remember drunk assholes.
There was more than one asshole? He and his girlfriend were in here all night.
His girlfriend? Said they wanted maple bars.
I didn't have maple bars, so they went crazy.
I wasn't gonna fight some drunk over some doughnuts, you know? - Right, yeah.
- Then they come back.
Said he felt bad.
Gives me $2 while Little Miss Shit-Faced says she has to pee, only she goes in the wrong door.
So I tell him, "Your girlfriend's in the back.
" Next thing I hear, they're screaming like animals, and he's running out the door with her hair.
What happened to the girl? [GROANING.]
Jesus.
- Hey.
- [MOANS.]
- Are you okay? - Ow.
Shit.
Fuckin' Brad.
Those extensions cost me $300.
Cami's not gonna take him back.
He's gone.
You don't know that.
You're fooling yourself.
You can't save everybody.
I'm not trying to save everybody, I'm trying to help my friend.
This is the way the world is, Lip.
- You live long enough - You need to walk away.
- All right? - His sobriety is not yours.
This codependent shit's gonna drag you down, too.
What, like I'm not already down? Like my life isn't a complete fucking waste? Look, if Brad can't make it, how am I supposed to, huh? You think you're so smart, you old drunk prick? How the fuck am I supposed to make it if Brad can't?! Leave.
You got no faith? That's on you.
But I'm doing this.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Listen, um you have any idea where Brad is? [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Hi.
Got a minute? Not really.
We're short-handed today.
Sue's out.
Ian I don't want us to fight anymore.
Who's fighting? You do know that I didn't realize it was your shelter, right? What difference does that make? I just want to put it behind us.
Do what you gotta do.
Hey.
We're family.
Come on, there's nothing more important than that.
There is to you.
What's that supposed to mean? Money.
That is so unfair.
If I had known that it was you trying to buy it, I would've come to you first to talk about it.
Still would've made the same mistake.
So what? - I didn't make a mistake.
- Right.
Because what's good for Fiona can't be a mistake.
You're wrong.
Bunch of kids with nothing just needed a place to sleep.
But you getting rich is more important than that.
- Getting rich? - Yeah.
I'm barely scraping by! I've been cleaning a dead body out of an apartment all day! Your moral compass is seriously fucked up.
Moral compass? I've been working my ass off trying to make a life for myself and you turn on me? For what? A bunch of strangers? Why should I sacrifice everything I worked for just so they can move into that building? Because they're helpless, and you're not! That's bullshit.
They have just as much of a chance as I ever had.
The fuck I'm not gonna apologize to you or anybody else for trying to better myself.
Better all of us.
I don't know who you are anymore.
You should really shave, you know that? [EXHALES.]
Dinner is served.
Nice cock.
It'll look even better in your mouth.
Mm.
It's no clitoris.
And it's big in a way that's hard for me to accept.
I appreciate the Yelp review.
Now could you get started? [SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
I don't even have a hard-on.
- Bullshit.
- Dude, I swear.
That's impossible.
No, I got nothin'.
No way.
It look at me.
Look at both of us.
We're like Greek gods.
Let me see.
[UNZIPS.]
Dude, are you even gay? No.
Apparently not.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING.]
Hi.
Hey.
We'll have this place cleaned out in a few hours.
Great.
Thanks.
I don't suppose there's a cleaning deposit on it? Uh, no.
Sorry.
Oh, there were, um I put a few of her photos right on top of that little table right there.
Oh, I didn't see 'em.
You know, we just don't have room for all of this junk.
Yeah.
Of course.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I got my life tied up Inside I know just what I'm after, all right Ah, ah Ah, ah It's closed.
Let's go.
I'm gonna take a walk around the block.
You know this guy isn't worth it, right? Just take a minute.
[DISTANT POLICE SIREN.]
Hey.
Brad! - Come on.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Hey.
- [MOANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[BRAD.]
No.
I g I gotta I-I wrecked her hair.
I'm waitin' for Wynona.
Yeah, all right, let's just wait in the car, okay? Come here.
Wh-what the fuck are you doing? - I'm taking you home.
- No.
- No, I - Easy.
Easy, easy, easy.
Easy.
Come on.
Just get all right? Get in the car, all right? No.
No! I-I said leave me alone! Asshole.
Look, I'm not leaving you, all right? - I'm taking you - [SHOUTS.]
Ffff fuck.
[GRUNTS.]
Aah! Argh! [MOANING.]
[REFLECTIVE MUSIC.]
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
That's the one that eats human flesh? Come on, is that necessary? I've been bit by big and small.
Hurts every time.
[SIGHS.]
Right in front of my eyes I tried, okay? But I'm not even part gay.
I'm just a boring hetero dude.
So go ahead, you and Svet can have your spas-gasms.
I'll just be here on the couch, jerking off.
Well, it was brave of you to try.
The truth is, I just wanted to make you jealous.
Like I am.
You don't have to be jealous, babe.
I think Fiona helped me realize what her real power is over me.
It's not the vagina.
What could be more powerful than a vagina? It's her bitchiness.
It's not women.
It's being dominated.
Well, great.
Maybe I could do that for you.
You? - Sure.
- [LAUGHS.]
Why not? What could I do? Just tell me.
Give me some ideas.
I'll try anything you ask.
I'm yours to command.
Just tell me how to dominate you.
I think you're missing the point, babe.
[BABY CRYING.]
All right, I'll go.
I'll be right back and boss you around, okay? [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Who let me be a father? That kid is so screwed having me as an old man.
Everyone's old man is an asshole.
You're not special.
Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli.
[SIGHS.]
I can't go back.
I can't face Cami.
They're better off without me.
Drink your coffee.
I just don't have it, man.
I don't have the strength.
Let me go.
Just let me go.
Look at me.
You think you're such a fuckup? You got everything, man.
Everything that matters, you've got.
You think that was an accident? You built that family.
Right? You built that business.
Hard work.
Recovery every day.
You have a life.
You have people that love you.
'Cause you deserve it.
So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch.
Drink your coffee.
And then you're gonna start over.
I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.
Yeah.
I think you might've broke one, too.
Good, asshole.
I owe you.
[SCOFFS.]
[WOMAN.]
Hey.
Hey, turn that up.
[NEWSCASTER.]
And the search for the most hated man in Chicago continues, as the fate of the Michael Jordan statue's arm remains a mystery.
Somebody cut off the arm of the Michael Jordan statue? What kind of asshole would do something like that? No.
No way.
It's just 'cause I I love him so much, man.
What did I do with it? Because, you know I-I'll be burned at the stake if people find out.
It's taken care of.
[DRIVING ROCK MUSIC.]
[TIMER TICKING.]
Lady? What? - Do you have any kids? - No.
You didn't want any? I can't.
Sorry.
Go to hell.
There's a gay guy, a black dude, and a terrorist with a baby here to bail you out.
[MIA.]
Let your baby live! - Hi, Franny! - There's your mommy.
Thank you.
There you go.
You're the best, Frank.
And congratulations on Employee of the Month.
Can't imagine why it took so long.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Frank Gallagher? Chuck Hartley.
From corporate.
Oh! A pleasure to meet one of the elite.
Can we talk for a minute in Mr.
Singh's office? Sure.
[MAN OVER PA.]
Go to the loading dock.
Go to the loading dock, please.
Adeeb's not joining us? I'm-I'm sorry to say no.
Um [SIGHS.]
Mr.
Singh was let go yesterday.
[SIGHS.]
Chuck, if I may, this is not easy for me.
Adeeb was a dear friend as well as a colleague.
He took a chance on me.
In a way, he gave me a new life.
He was first-rate, all right.
So you can understand that though I am flattered and yes, ready to step into his place, I do it with a heavy heart.
I'd thought it would be a while before I replaced him.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Frank you have the wrong idea.
Oh.
Is that so? Well, if this is a, uh a move to corporate I'm here to let you go, too.
What? Today is your last day.
I-I don't understand.
I'm Employee of the Month.
What did I do wrong? Oh, my gosh.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
You were the model employee.
Corporate is shutting down the store.
Half the stores in the country, actually.
See, the Internet gutted us, like a an alien popping out of our stomachs and eating our brains.
I'm working my way across the country like the Angel of Death.
And once I finish burying Spokane, there'll only be one man left to fire.
Who's that? Myself.
I wish you luck, my friend.
Thank you, Chuck.
But men like us We land on our feet.
We're diligent, dependable, honest.
We got gumption, can-do spirit.
Temporary setback at best.
Right.
[TIMER TICKING.]
Dang it! Ah, we're running out of time! I got this.
[DAVEY.]
I'll get the pills.
Allah 'akbar! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
[WOMAN.]
Seriously?! Allah 'akbar! Allah! [OVERLAPPING SCREAMS.]
[MAN.]
Come on, let's go! Can I have the morning after pill, please? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What do you think? [WHISPERING.]
What do you think? [LAUGHS.]
Oh! Not a chance, pal.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CRYING.]
[LAID-BACK ROCK MUSIC.]
Ladies and gentlemen, do you believe in miracles? Because the city of Chicago woke to find the lost dunking arm of Michael Jordan has reappeared, now planted at Ping Tom Park Or as the citizens of Chicago are demanding, "His Airness Memorial Park.
" MJ's arm reaches majestically and eternally to the heavens.
What could be more fitting? John, back to you.