Still Game (2002) s08e06 Episode Script
The Fall Guy
Thanks, Tam.
It's only half full, Tam! Well, I only bought the one and split it between two cups.
Is his plane late? No, he's landed.
Sure he'll just be coming through Customs.
Here, do you know, it'll be 50 year next year since he left Craiglang.
Whereabouts in America was he? Los Angeles.
Hollywood! Hollywood, eh? Aye.
Oh, here he's coming the noo.
Callum! Ohhh! Oh, no! What was it he did in Hollywood? He was a stuntman.
SHE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY Hello! Oh, it's good to see you! Thank you.
Why have you dragged me here? Cos you've got a full licence.
Oh! And you havnae? And you need an adult with you? Huh! A responsible named person to look after the inexperienced daftie.
What you want a car for anyway? Freedom.
To go wherever the wind takes you.
Y'know, you're heading towards 50.
Gie it another ten years, you'll have a set of wings to do all that.
Shut up! Are you gonnae help me or no'? Right, get in.
Bloody late now.
Ach, 15 minutes.
We're no' high-powered businessmen going to a meeting.
It's only a daft pint.
There's no such thing as a daft pint.
Jack, Victor! Hello, Mick.
What are you saying? I'm doing a mad online course.
Either of you two possess a computer? Oh, aye, aye, aye, all the time we're using it, aye.
We use it for stocks and shares, y'know? Keeping an eye on world affairs etc.
Oh, we're all about the Wi-Fi and the internet.
In fact, Victor here's got a cupboard full of hubs.
Oh, aye, my hub cupboard.
Of course we havnae! Ah, using sarcasm to mask your Luddism on account of your advanced years.
I-I think Is that cheek? No.
I respect that.
The all-pervasive, insidious creeping of technology into every aspect of our lives has been quite the bugbear.
Isa's got one.
Chin her.
Will do.
What course is it you're taking? I'm going to walk up past Navid's, then up the hill to the Osprey and arrive at her door.
No, no, no, what I meant was Leave it, Jack.
OK.
ERRATIC DRIVING How did I dae? Oh, you'reobviously still learning, son.
I'm-I'm just nervous.
Let me check if both your brake lights are working.
HE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY Whit walloper's parked there? Huh! How many wallopers do you know? One.
Boabby.
Correct.
HE CHUCKLES What you laughing at? Bloody Boabby behind the wheel of a motor! Fair enough! It's torture enough having him behind the bar.
Have you, er, seen the new car? New car? Ootside! NV52 OML.
Oh, aye? Was PR1 CK no' available? W4 NKER no' there either, no? Here, could you no' have got CUN JACK: That's plenty.
Two pints, James Hunt.
LAUGHTER What's a' the commotion over there? Isa's got a pal in toon.
Oh, aye? .
.
and Clint Eastwood goes intae his wallet, takes out a $100 bill, puts it in ma hand and says, "A bet's a bet.
" Ohhh! Callum Coburn! Oh, aye! It's Jack and Victor, Callum.
Of course it is! Welcome home! Thanks.
Nice to be home.
How long's that you've been away now? Nearly 50 years.
/fon Do you think the place has changed much, then? No.
Come on, noo, you've got the new bingo hall.
Ah, it's shut noo.
Shopping centre.
No, the weans set fire to that, sure.
I suppose it hasnae changed much, when you think about it, aye.
Isa, did Mick get you? Aye.
He's up in my hoose the noo with ma computer.
Some online course.
You left him in there himself? Is that wise? Oh, what's he gonnae dae? Steal all my Take A Break magazines? Well, fair do's, aye.
So, Callum, how's America treating you? Yeah Retired now.
Just home to see if I can, er, connect with some old friends.
THEY CHUCKLE Here ya go, Callum Coburn.
Mmm! Nae drink for me, Edith, no? No.
Here, d'you no' think he looks a million dollars? Aye, aye, you look great, aye.
Aye, eh I mean, you must be ages with us.
That's California for you.
Keeps you young, you know, sun, sea, sensational ladies WARM CHUCKLES EDITH GROWLS LUSTFULLY It's good to see you, Isa.
You havnae changed a bit.
Oh, thanks! There hasnae a day gone by in the States I didnae think about you - the walks we used to go on, the dance hall, that dress you used to wear with the roses on it.
Anyway what I wanted to ask you was, if you don't think I'm being too forward SHE LAUGHS D'you no' think it's time you were getting up the road, Mick? Right.
You, too, Edith.
Up the road.
I think maybe you should go up the road, Isa.
I cannae.
Why? I live here! Oh, aye.
You've took the battle but no' the war, hen.
GROANS LUSTILY Actually, Isa, would it be all right just to crash on your couch, and, er, I could get cracking with the next module in the morning? No! Bye, Edith.
C'mon, son, we'll go and see him Edith! ISA SIGHS Lift! Hmmm Lift! Ha! Uh-huh? Victor, could you put Mick up for the night? He's got one of his tests on my computer first thing in the morning, and I don't want him going away back to the bridge.
It's too far.
I'm sorry, Mick, I'm not in at the moment.
However, Jack's in.
LIFT BELL PINGS Right.
I'll no' tell you again, you wee gravelly gooseberry bastard.
Hmmm KNOCKS ON DOOR DOOR OPENS Evenin'.
VICTOR CHUCKLES ALARM CLOCK RINGS HE SIGHS HE GROANS Ohhh Argh! Morning.
I forgot you were here.
D'you want a cup o' tea? A cup of tea, aye.
Cannae.
You're out of milk.
Listen, son, this is nae use, er, a young boy with knickers, an' that.
Eh? Well, if anybody was to come to the door and see an old p and a young chap there in his scants, you know, it's Yewtree pish, that, y'know? Right.
I'm heading to Isa's, so I'll get my gear.
Aye.
Listen, what is that course you're doing? I'd tell you, but you'd just rip the piss out of me.
Well, before you go, get something hot inside you.
Is that that Yewtree part again? Aye.
Er, no! Erm, I'm saying have a roll and sausage.
I did.
You're out of sausages, an' all.
Ha! Are you hungry, hen? I could eat a wee sandwich, aye.
Where's handy? Er Oh, there's a new Italian place that's opened up.
Here, they dae wine by the glass! A wee glass of wine in the afternoon? You trying to get me drunk? Aye! CAR ENGINE ROARS Oh, I'm alive.
Thank Christ I'm alive! You're a rubbish driving instructor.
Well, if that means I don't need to dae this again, I'll accept.
Poor driver, is he? Oh, I don't know.
I didnae see much.
I had my hauns over my eyes.
I'm out.
Oh, for God's sake.
What am I gonnae dae noo? Well, I'll take you.
I'm qualified to instruct.
The amount of people I've taught to drive in the States! Really? That's a lovely thing to dae! When do you want to do that? Well, we'll sort something out as soon as I've stopped your car from rolling doon this hill.
What?! BRAKES SCREECH Oh-ho-ho! Boabby, two pints of lager.
What's the script here? This bastard.
Oot in his motor up at the Galbraith pass.
You know, by the drop? There's this cyclist, pedalling like buggery, trying to get away fae us.
I can still see his eyes.
Boof! Right down the escarpment.
A hunner miles an hour, he went! I just momentarily forgot which pedal was which.
That was Grace Kelly's last words.
THEY LAUGH How are you getting on with your lodger, Jack? Oh, Mick? Do you know what he had for his breakfast this morning? Two sausages, which were mine, and a a Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle.
THEY LAUGH I don't know what you're laughing at.
Aye, you're next tonight.
You're too hard on that boy, Jack.
He can knock himself oot with the noodles as long as he stays away from the needles.
Why are yous doing that? He's using Isa's computer for some course.
He's there day and night.
We're helping him oot.
How's Isa getting on with big Callum? Here, d'you think he's pumping her? ALL GROAN AND COMPLAIN Here, Victor, did you ever wonder what your life would be like if you'd've went to America, like Callum did? What, Jack, and leave this paradise behind? Have you taken leave of your senses? Well, you only need to take one look at him - how fit he is, the condition he's in, y'know? It must do you a power of good being under the sun like that over there.
Aye, Jack's right.
Living here's a death sentence.
The wind and the rain and the snow, it just pummels you into the ground, freezing.
The only good heat you get's the last one, at the crematorium.
Oh, I don't know about that.
You get a good heat off the jobbie you've just done in your drawers when you're sitting in Boabby's passenger seat.
THEY LAUGH BOABBY: Oi.
Money for the treble whisky.
That'll be bastardin' right.
This is medicine.
Prescriptions are free in Scotland.
THEY LAUGH Don't get me wrong, I met the odd famous person, but mostly what I did was crappy telly stuff.
Oh, I used to like that Six Million Dollar Man.
Lee Majors? Aye.
Did you ever meet him? Wanker.
Oh! What about Burt Reynolds? Wanker.
Columbo? Oh, Peter, he was a gentleman, he was.
Oh, that's nice.
What was the most dangerous stunt you ever did? That's easy.
Hanging aff an aeroplane.
Magnum, PI.
The pilot was drunk, we were 3,000 feet in the air.
It was terrifying, really scary.
Oh, I had a similar experience myself.
Really?! Aye.
Me and Harry were going to Majorca and we slept in.
We had to run like buggery all through the airport and all the way to the desk! Oh, we nearly missed the flight! It was really scary! HE CHUCKLES Y'know, Callum, you really are a very handsome man.
For your age, like.
I think you done the right thing, going to America.
You've had a very glamorous life.
It wasnae that glamorous, Isa.
I had a partner, just like you.
She was a big part of my life.
Left me.
Laid me pretty low.
Went aff the rails there for a wee while.
Ach, never mind that.
I tell you what's scarier than hanging aff that aeroplane.
Oh, what's that? What I'm about to say to you now.
I always wondered what it'd've been like if you and I had hooked up.
"Hooked up"? SHE CHUCKLES Oh, that's very American.
We came pretty close.
I just wonder what our lives would've been like if you hadnae met Harry.
Aye, well SHE CHUCKLES I guess we'll never know.
Won't we? That's what I'm saying! There's still time.
Time for what? For what's really important at our age.
Intimacy.
Intimacy? Aye.
You talking about .
.
dippy-dunky? Aye! It's a very Scottish way of saying it, but, aye, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Ohhh TV PLAYS £250,000.
That's only a semidetached, y'know.
And there's legal fees.
That's got to mount up.
Aye.
CHANGES CHANNEL What's happening here? This is quality.
We were watching that.
You'll love this.
ON TV: I was all set to rip her knickers off, but it gans tit Next thing, she's screaming.
I punches her straight in the eye.
Then she said I was hung like a wasp! "Hung like a wasp!" Wee wasp walloper, eh? Ha-ha! SLURPS NOISILY TV OFF SLURPING CONTINUES Look .
.
Mick, we've been trying to help you, but do you no' think it's time you were going? What the hell's so important about this course? Aye, what is it? You'll take the piss.
Granted, that's a risk.
Get it revealed.
Day skipper course.
If I pass, it means I can take charge of a vessel up to the size of 40 feet! Why the hell do you need to command a vessel that's 40 feet? You live under a bloody bridge! Right.
I'm looking after my mate's boat for a couple of days.
It's on the canal.
It's his hoose.
So I'm going to be there so nobody breaks intae it.
So you're a sea captain on Craiglang Canal.
It's a bit overqualified, is it no'? I mean, that's like Stephen Hawking working in McDonald's.
Well, I wanted to dae it right.
When I was a boy, I was walking along the canal with my da.
It was a Sunday morning.
He was still pished fae the night before.
Anyway, he starts clowning around at the edge of the water, and he fell in.
I was only aboot eight.
Couldnae do anything about it.
So I don't like to mess about when it comes to the water.
Er, so, when's your last test? In about two hours.
Eh? Right, well, grab your books and start cramming.
We'll gie you peace.
A piece sounds magic.
Gie us a piece and Monster Munch.
HE SLURPS Well, that's the thing, Navid.
I still feel married to Harry.
He stole from you! He treated you like shit.
You divorced him.
Rightly so.
He died.
I don't know what to dae.
You have a chance, however fleeting, at some happiness.
You have to snatch it.
Nae pun intended.
Navid, what would you dae if, God forbid, but if something happened to Meena and you were single again? Meena? Quick bit of mourning, Marks & Spencer's for a complete new outfit, then oot and aboot chasing poon-poon.
Navid! Look, if my beloved were to die, is my dicky to die as well? Hm? Am I to take a knife, dismember myself and throw my dicky in the coffin? No! My heart might be crushed, but my dicky lives on! MEENA: I don't think I'll take it any further.
Take what further? Take what further? Her mopping career? I have waited many years to say these words, Winston.
Mind your ain business! SPITS Done! Take what further? I need to know.
Well, Winston, the shoe - and I mean one single shoe, your shoe is on the other foot.
See, normally it's me asking She doesnae know whether to pump American Callum or not.
Ach, Navid, could you no' have let me enjoy that just for one minute? Well, why wouldn't you pump him? All the guys like him, he's funny, buys a round, interesting.
And, Jeez, he's good-looking.
I mean, if you don't pump him, I'll probably pump him! Oh, I don't know I mean Well Ach, no! Look, here's what to dae.
Go and catch Father Doonan at Confession, ask him what he thinks.
If he gies you the green light, scrang! Aff with the tights! That's three hours now.
Cannae be much longer, surely.
It cannae be, it cannae be! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Right, how did you get on, son? "Son", is it? Salute your captain when you address him! Ha-ha-ha! Permission to go to the Clansman for a celebratory drink.
But no alcohol for you, because you are a recovering junkie, sir! Permission granted.
THEY CHUCKLE ORGAN PLAYS Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been one year since my last Confession.
I've come to you today tae ask for some advice.
Y'see, well, I-I've been a widow for quite some years now, and .
.
a gentleman has recently come into my life who would like to take the relationship a little further.
Well, a lot further.
IRISH ACCENT: Are you talking about the sexual intercourse?/ Yes.
Well, it's not the first time I've come across this situation.
Y'see, ordinarily, the Church's position on any kind of sexual messing around or the roly-polying or whatever, it should all be done within wedlock.
Butwe live in modern times, and I personally, I'm very broad-minded on such matters.
Y'see, I think Callum should Callum? Father, how did you know his name? Er, it was a guess.
Oh, yes, I-I'm a great guesser.
Erm, Father Confessor the Guesser, they call me.
Right Look, I'll give you my advice here.
You're no spring chicken, and unless you want to be the last turkey in the shop, you'd better get in amongst it! Well, that wasnae the advice I was expecting, Father.
The both of you, get yourselves sorted out with the old nookie, and do it with my blessing.
Eight Hail Marys to get your confidence up, and if you're still feeling reluctant, er, is there a public house around? Aye, why, there is, the Clansman.
Get yourself in there and get a nice, big, stiff one.
And buy everybody else a drink, as well, to mark the rumpy-pumpy union.
And if there's any disabled people in there, you know, minus a leg or whatever, er, make sure you buy them a double.
Why, I will do, Father.
CALLUM: It's years since I had a steak pie.
It was magic.
/f Thanks.
Glad you liked it, Callum.
Callum I've been daeing some thinking aboot Isa so have I.
The last thing I want is for you tae be put under any pressure.
Oh, Callum, I quite fancy being put under thatpressure.
I'm no' wanting tae rush you.
After thinking aboot it, I .
.
I realised it wasnae me being married that was Well, it was that he was a wrong 'un, y'know? What I really need .
.
is somebody I can trust.
Somebody that's honest.
Nae secrets.
I understand.
I'll get the plates.
Leave them.
Oh, hey W-why don't you go and freshen up and I'll .
.
I'll meet you through there.
SHE SIGHS No Honest.
Nae secrets.
Oh, here Away doon HE GROANS Are you ready for me? Oh! Are you all right? I'm fine, C-Callum Aye? Where's your willy? I've but half.
A baddie dog in one of the pictures I worked on.
Lassie.
Lassie bit your willy aff? No, Lassie the movie! I had to wrestle with a baddie dog, and woof, that was it away.
Oh! Oh I'd better go.
Oh Gollum? Callum?! What? Were we no' meant to be having a driving lesson? What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I didnae forget.
Jump in.
We'll go to the B&Q car park.
I'll put you through your paces.
CALLUM LAUGHS How d'you think Isa and Callum are getting on? Ach, they'll be fine.
It's nice for her.
She deserves a bit of happiness, y'know? Anyway, he's a good fella.
Aye, seems like a great fella.
No faults, no' miserable.
No' after anything.
Aye, but that stuntman thing What? Well, I'd imagine you'd have to have a slate missing to do that kind font color Callum? BOTH: Nah.
CALLUM: We were having a nice meal, everything was going hunky dory Anyway, it was too much for her.
Too much! A shock.
You OK, mate? We've passed the car park.
ENGINE ROARS Callum? Callum! Slow doon! Vanity.
She loved me when I was all done up, but the real me? Scrapheap! Dumped! What you doing, mate? Life's no' worth living! I've no' got a cock! THEY BOTH WAIL Oh, no! BOABBY: Oh, no! No, no! BOABBY WAILS Oh! Oh! BOABBY WAILS BOTH: Ohhh! BOABBY WAILS We're going to have to get help.
No, no, no, there's nae time for that, Jack.
Oh, well, it's Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid all over again.
I think we should've took our jackets off.
Ohhh! THEY SPLUTTER You're a mental case! I'm sorry! This is it, Jack.
We're done for.
Goodbye, old chum.
BOAT'S HOOTER BLARES Ahoy there! Are you in distress? Of course we're in distress, you gormless bastard, ye! Approach from the lure side and bring the distressed parties aboard.
Keep the heid.
Are you sure you don't want to go to hospital? Nah, we're just a bit wet, hen.
We're fine.
All right.
That's the end of my shift, then.
I'm going to go up the road, get a cup of tea, watch Emmerdale.
Recorded it last night.
There's a big disaster in it.
Don't you be telling me what happened if you watched it.
We don't watch that, hen.
It doesnae happen in real life.
A load of made-up shite.
THEY CHUCKLE So, you lost control of the vehicle.
He did.
It was, erjust an accident.
Aye, you made a stunt of that, didn't you? THEY LAUGH Callum, I'm sorry things didnae work oot between us.
Oh, it's me should be apologising to you.
I'm sorry I wasnae what I seemed.
Will you keep in touch? Of course! Aye.
Is Boabby giving you a lift to the airport? No.
His car's full of water.
THEY SNIGGER I'm getting a taxi.
Aye.
CAR APPROACHES BRAKES SCREECH ALL: Oh! I'm fine.
THEY LAUGH AND APPLAUD
It's only half full, Tam! Well, I only bought the one and split it between two cups.
Is his plane late? No, he's landed.
Sure he'll just be coming through Customs.
Here, do you know, it'll be 50 year next year since he left Craiglang.
Whereabouts in America was he? Los Angeles.
Hollywood! Hollywood, eh? Aye.
Oh, here he's coming the noo.
Callum! Ohhh! Oh, no! What was it he did in Hollywood? He was a stuntman.
SHE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY Hello! Oh, it's good to see you! Thank you.
Why have you dragged me here? Cos you've got a full licence.
Oh! And you havnae? And you need an adult with you? Huh! A responsible named person to look after the inexperienced daftie.
What you want a car for anyway? Freedom.
To go wherever the wind takes you.
Y'know, you're heading towards 50.
Gie it another ten years, you'll have a set of wings to do all that.
Shut up! Are you gonnae help me or no'? Right, get in.
Bloody late now.
Ach, 15 minutes.
We're no' high-powered businessmen going to a meeting.
It's only a daft pint.
There's no such thing as a daft pint.
Jack, Victor! Hello, Mick.
What are you saying? I'm doing a mad online course.
Either of you two possess a computer? Oh, aye, aye, aye, all the time we're using it, aye.
We use it for stocks and shares, y'know? Keeping an eye on world affairs etc.
Oh, we're all about the Wi-Fi and the internet.
In fact, Victor here's got a cupboard full of hubs.
Oh, aye, my hub cupboard.
Of course we havnae! Ah, using sarcasm to mask your Luddism on account of your advanced years.
I-I think Is that cheek? No.
I respect that.
The all-pervasive, insidious creeping of technology into every aspect of our lives has been quite the bugbear.
Isa's got one.
Chin her.
Will do.
What course is it you're taking? I'm going to walk up past Navid's, then up the hill to the Osprey and arrive at her door.
No, no, no, what I meant was Leave it, Jack.
OK.
ERRATIC DRIVING How did I dae? Oh, you'reobviously still learning, son.
I'm-I'm just nervous.
Let me check if both your brake lights are working.
HE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY Whit walloper's parked there? Huh! How many wallopers do you know? One.
Boabby.
Correct.
HE CHUCKLES What you laughing at? Bloody Boabby behind the wheel of a motor! Fair enough! It's torture enough having him behind the bar.
Have you, er, seen the new car? New car? Ootside! NV52 OML.
Oh, aye? Was PR1 CK no' available? W4 NKER no' there either, no? Here, could you no' have got CUN JACK: That's plenty.
Two pints, James Hunt.
LAUGHTER What's a' the commotion over there? Isa's got a pal in toon.
Oh, aye? .
.
and Clint Eastwood goes intae his wallet, takes out a $100 bill, puts it in ma hand and says, "A bet's a bet.
" Ohhh! Callum Coburn! Oh, aye! It's Jack and Victor, Callum.
Of course it is! Welcome home! Thanks.
Nice to be home.
How long's that you've been away now? Nearly 50 years.
/fon Do you think the place has changed much, then? No.
Come on, noo, you've got the new bingo hall.
Ah, it's shut noo.
Shopping centre.
No, the weans set fire to that, sure.
I suppose it hasnae changed much, when you think about it, aye.
Isa, did Mick get you? Aye.
He's up in my hoose the noo with ma computer.
Some online course.
You left him in there himself? Is that wise? Oh, what's he gonnae dae? Steal all my Take A Break magazines? Well, fair do's, aye.
So, Callum, how's America treating you? Yeah Retired now.
Just home to see if I can, er, connect with some old friends.
THEY CHUCKLE Here ya go, Callum Coburn.
Mmm! Nae drink for me, Edith, no? No.
Here, d'you no' think he looks a million dollars? Aye, aye, you look great, aye.
Aye, eh I mean, you must be ages with us.
That's California for you.
Keeps you young, you know, sun, sea, sensational ladies WARM CHUCKLES EDITH GROWLS LUSTFULLY It's good to see you, Isa.
You havnae changed a bit.
Oh, thanks! There hasnae a day gone by in the States I didnae think about you - the walks we used to go on, the dance hall, that dress you used to wear with the roses on it.
Anyway what I wanted to ask you was, if you don't think I'm being too forward SHE LAUGHS D'you no' think it's time you were getting up the road, Mick? Right.
You, too, Edith.
Up the road.
I think maybe you should go up the road, Isa.
I cannae.
Why? I live here! Oh, aye.
You've took the battle but no' the war, hen.
GROANS LUSTILY Actually, Isa, would it be all right just to crash on your couch, and, er, I could get cracking with the next module in the morning? No! Bye, Edith.
C'mon, son, we'll go and see him Edith! ISA SIGHS Lift! Hmmm Lift! Ha! Uh-huh? Victor, could you put Mick up for the night? He's got one of his tests on my computer first thing in the morning, and I don't want him going away back to the bridge.
It's too far.
I'm sorry, Mick, I'm not in at the moment.
However, Jack's in.
LIFT BELL PINGS Right.
I'll no' tell you again, you wee gravelly gooseberry bastard.
Hmmm KNOCKS ON DOOR DOOR OPENS Evenin'.
VICTOR CHUCKLES ALARM CLOCK RINGS HE SIGHS HE GROANS Ohhh Argh! Morning.
I forgot you were here.
D'you want a cup o' tea? A cup of tea, aye.
Cannae.
You're out of milk.
Listen, son, this is nae use, er, a young boy with knickers, an' that.
Eh? Well, if anybody was to come to the door and see an old p and a young chap there in his scants, you know, it's Yewtree pish, that, y'know? Right.
I'm heading to Isa's, so I'll get my gear.
Aye.
Listen, what is that course you're doing? I'd tell you, but you'd just rip the piss out of me.
Well, before you go, get something hot inside you.
Is that that Yewtree part again? Aye.
Er, no! Erm, I'm saying have a roll and sausage.
I did.
You're out of sausages, an' all.
Ha! Are you hungry, hen? I could eat a wee sandwich, aye.
Where's handy? Er Oh, there's a new Italian place that's opened up.
Here, they dae wine by the glass! A wee glass of wine in the afternoon? You trying to get me drunk? Aye! CAR ENGINE ROARS Oh, I'm alive.
Thank Christ I'm alive! You're a rubbish driving instructor.
Well, if that means I don't need to dae this again, I'll accept.
Poor driver, is he? Oh, I don't know.
I didnae see much.
I had my hauns over my eyes.
I'm out.
Oh, for God's sake.
What am I gonnae dae noo? Well, I'll take you.
I'm qualified to instruct.
The amount of people I've taught to drive in the States! Really? That's a lovely thing to dae! When do you want to do that? Well, we'll sort something out as soon as I've stopped your car from rolling doon this hill.
What?! BRAKES SCREECH Oh-ho-ho! Boabby, two pints of lager.
What's the script here? This bastard.
Oot in his motor up at the Galbraith pass.
You know, by the drop? There's this cyclist, pedalling like buggery, trying to get away fae us.
I can still see his eyes.
Boof! Right down the escarpment.
A hunner miles an hour, he went! I just momentarily forgot which pedal was which.
That was Grace Kelly's last words.
THEY LAUGH How are you getting on with your lodger, Jack? Oh, Mick? Do you know what he had for his breakfast this morning? Two sausages, which were mine, and a a Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle.
THEY LAUGH I don't know what you're laughing at.
Aye, you're next tonight.
You're too hard on that boy, Jack.
He can knock himself oot with the noodles as long as he stays away from the needles.
Why are yous doing that? He's using Isa's computer for some course.
He's there day and night.
We're helping him oot.
How's Isa getting on with big Callum? Here, d'you think he's pumping her? ALL GROAN AND COMPLAIN Here, Victor, did you ever wonder what your life would be like if you'd've went to America, like Callum did? What, Jack, and leave this paradise behind? Have you taken leave of your senses? Well, you only need to take one look at him - how fit he is, the condition he's in, y'know? It must do you a power of good being under the sun like that over there.
Aye, Jack's right.
Living here's a death sentence.
The wind and the rain and the snow, it just pummels you into the ground, freezing.
The only good heat you get's the last one, at the crematorium.
Oh, I don't know about that.
You get a good heat off the jobbie you've just done in your drawers when you're sitting in Boabby's passenger seat.
THEY LAUGH BOABBY: Oi.
Money for the treble whisky.
That'll be bastardin' right.
This is medicine.
Prescriptions are free in Scotland.
THEY LAUGH Don't get me wrong, I met the odd famous person, but mostly what I did was crappy telly stuff.
Oh, I used to like that Six Million Dollar Man.
Lee Majors? Aye.
Did you ever meet him? Wanker.
Oh! What about Burt Reynolds? Wanker.
Columbo? Oh, Peter, he was a gentleman, he was.
Oh, that's nice.
What was the most dangerous stunt you ever did? That's easy.
Hanging aff an aeroplane.
Magnum, PI.
The pilot was drunk, we were 3,000 feet in the air.
It was terrifying, really scary.
Oh, I had a similar experience myself.
Really?! Aye.
Me and Harry were going to Majorca and we slept in.
We had to run like buggery all through the airport and all the way to the desk! Oh, we nearly missed the flight! It was really scary! HE CHUCKLES Y'know, Callum, you really are a very handsome man.
For your age, like.
I think you done the right thing, going to America.
You've had a very glamorous life.
It wasnae that glamorous, Isa.
I had a partner, just like you.
She was a big part of my life.
Left me.
Laid me pretty low.
Went aff the rails there for a wee while.
Ach, never mind that.
I tell you what's scarier than hanging aff that aeroplane.
Oh, what's that? What I'm about to say to you now.
I always wondered what it'd've been like if you and I had hooked up.
"Hooked up"? SHE CHUCKLES Oh, that's very American.
We came pretty close.
I just wonder what our lives would've been like if you hadnae met Harry.
Aye, well SHE CHUCKLES I guess we'll never know.
Won't we? That's what I'm saying! There's still time.
Time for what? For what's really important at our age.
Intimacy.
Intimacy? Aye.
You talking about .
.
dippy-dunky? Aye! It's a very Scottish way of saying it, but, aye, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Ohhh TV PLAYS £250,000.
That's only a semidetached, y'know.
And there's legal fees.
That's got to mount up.
Aye.
CHANGES CHANNEL What's happening here? This is quality.
We were watching that.
You'll love this.
ON TV: I was all set to rip her knickers off, but it gans tit Next thing, she's screaming.
I punches her straight in the eye.
Then she said I was hung like a wasp! "Hung like a wasp!" Wee wasp walloper, eh? Ha-ha! SLURPS NOISILY TV OFF SLURPING CONTINUES Look .
.
Mick, we've been trying to help you, but do you no' think it's time you were going? What the hell's so important about this course? Aye, what is it? You'll take the piss.
Granted, that's a risk.
Get it revealed.
Day skipper course.
If I pass, it means I can take charge of a vessel up to the size of 40 feet! Why the hell do you need to command a vessel that's 40 feet? You live under a bloody bridge! Right.
I'm looking after my mate's boat for a couple of days.
It's on the canal.
It's his hoose.
So I'm going to be there so nobody breaks intae it.
So you're a sea captain on Craiglang Canal.
It's a bit overqualified, is it no'? I mean, that's like Stephen Hawking working in McDonald's.
Well, I wanted to dae it right.
When I was a boy, I was walking along the canal with my da.
It was a Sunday morning.
He was still pished fae the night before.
Anyway, he starts clowning around at the edge of the water, and he fell in.
I was only aboot eight.
Couldnae do anything about it.
So I don't like to mess about when it comes to the water.
Er, so, when's your last test? In about two hours.
Eh? Right, well, grab your books and start cramming.
We'll gie you peace.
A piece sounds magic.
Gie us a piece and Monster Munch.
HE SLURPS Well, that's the thing, Navid.
I still feel married to Harry.
He stole from you! He treated you like shit.
You divorced him.
Rightly so.
He died.
I don't know what to dae.
You have a chance, however fleeting, at some happiness.
You have to snatch it.
Nae pun intended.
Navid, what would you dae if, God forbid, but if something happened to Meena and you were single again? Meena? Quick bit of mourning, Marks & Spencer's for a complete new outfit, then oot and aboot chasing poon-poon.
Navid! Look, if my beloved were to die, is my dicky to die as well? Hm? Am I to take a knife, dismember myself and throw my dicky in the coffin? No! My heart might be crushed, but my dicky lives on! MEENA: I don't think I'll take it any further.
Take what further? Take what further? Her mopping career? I have waited many years to say these words, Winston.
Mind your ain business! SPITS Done! Take what further? I need to know.
Well, Winston, the shoe - and I mean one single shoe, your shoe is on the other foot.
See, normally it's me asking She doesnae know whether to pump American Callum or not.
Ach, Navid, could you no' have let me enjoy that just for one minute? Well, why wouldn't you pump him? All the guys like him, he's funny, buys a round, interesting.
And, Jeez, he's good-looking.
I mean, if you don't pump him, I'll probably pump him! Oh, I don't know I mean Well Ach, no! Look, here's what to dae.
Go and catch Father Doonan at Confession, ask him what he thinks.
If he gies you the green light, scrang! Aff with the tights! That's three hours now.
Cannae be much longer, surely.
It cannae be, it cannae be! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Right, how did you get on, son? "Son", is it? Salute your captain when you address him! Ha-ha-ha! Permission to go to the Clansman for a celebratory drink.
But no alcohol for you, because you are a recovering junkie, sir! Permission granted.
THEY CHUCKLE ORGAN PLAYS Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been one year since my last Confession.
I've come to you today tae ask for some advice.
Y'see, well, I-I've been a widow for quite some years now, and .
.
a gentleman has recently come into my life who would like to take the relationship a little further.
Well, a lot further.
IRISH ACCENT: Are you talking about the sexual intercourse?/ Yes.
Well, it's not the first time I've come across this situation.
Y'see, ordinarily, the Church's position on any kind of sexual messing around or the roly-polying or whatever, it should all be done within wedlock.
Butwe live in modern times, and I personally, I'm very broad-minded on such matters.
Y'see, I think Callum should Callum? Father, how did you know his name? Er, it was a guess.
Oh, yes, I-I'm a great guesser.
Erm, Father Confessor the Guesser, they call me.
Right Look, I'll give you my advice here.
You're no spring chicken, and unless you want to be the last turkey in the shop, you'd better get in amongst it! Well, that wasnae the advice I was expecting, Father.
The both of you, get yourselves sorted out with the old nookie, and do it with my blessing.
Eight Hail Marys to get your confidence up, and if you're still feeling reluctant, er, is there a public house around? Aye, why, there is, the Clansman.
Get yourself in there and get a nice, big, stiff one.
And buy everybody else a drink, as well, to mark the rumpy-pumpy union.
And if there's any disabled people in there, you know, minus a leg or whatever, er, make sure you buy them a double.
Why, I will do, Father.
CALLUM: It's years since I had a steak pie.
It was magic.
/f Thanks.
Glad you liked it, Callum.
Callum I've been daeing some thinking aboot Isa so have I.
The last thing I want is for you tae be put under any pressure.
Oh, Callum, I quite fancy being put under thatpressure.
I'm no' wanting tae rush you.
After thinking aboot it, I .
.
I realised it wasnae me being married that was Well, it was that he was a wrong 'un, y'know? What I really need .
.
is somebody I can trust.
Somebody that's honest.
Nae secrets.
I understand.
I'll get the plates.
Leave them.
Oh, hey W-why don't you go and freshen up and I'll .
.
I'll meet you through there.
SHE SIGHS No Honest.
Nae secrets.
Oh, here Away doon HE GROANS Are you ready for me? Oh! Are you all right? I'm fine, C-Callum Aye? Where's your willy? I've but half.
A baddie dog in one of the pictures I worked on.
Lassie.
Lassie bit your willy aff? No, Lassie the movie! I had to wrestle with a baddie dog, and woof, that was it away.
Oh! Oh I'd better go.
Oh Gollum? Callum?! What? Were we no' meant to be having a driving lesson? What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I didnae forget.
Jump in.
We'll go to the B&Q car park.
I'll put you through your paces.
CALLUM LAUGHS How d'you think Isa and Callum are getting on? Ach, they'll be fine.
It's nice for her.
She deserves a bit of happiness, y'know? Anyway, he's a good fella.
Aye, seems like a great fella.
No faults, no' miserable.
No' after anything.
Aye, but that stuntman thing What? Well, I'd imagine you'd have to have a slate missing to do that kind font color Callum? BOTH: Nah.
CALLUM: We were having a nice meal, everything was going hunky dory Anyway, it was too much for her.
Too much! A shock.
You OK, mate? We've passed the car park.
ENGINE ROARS Callum? Callum! Slow doon! Vanity.
She loved me when I was all done up, but the real me? Scrapheap! Dumped! What you doing, mate? Life's no' worth living! I've no' got a cock! THEY BOTH WAIL Oh, no! BOABBY: Oh, no! No, no! BOABBY WAILS Oh! Oh! BOABBY WAILS BOTH: Ohhh! BOABBY WAILS We're going to have to get help.
No, no, no, there's nae time for that, Jack.
Oh, well, it's Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid all over again.
I think we should've took our jackets off.
Ohhh! THEY SPLUTTER You're a mental case! I'm sorry! This is it, Jack.
We're done for.
Goodbye, old chum.
BOAT'S HOOTER BLARES Ahoy there! Are you in distress? Of course we're in distress, you gormless bastard, ye! Approach from the lure side and bring the distressed parties aboard.
Keep the heid.
Are you sure you don't want to go to hospital? Nah, we're just a bit wet, hen.
We're fine.
All right.
That's the end of my shift, then.
I'm going to go up the road, get a cup of tea, watch Emmerdale.
Recorded it last night.
There's a big disaster in it.
Don't you be telling me what happened if you watched it.
We don't watch that, hen.
It doesnae happen in real life.
A load of made-up shite.
THEY CHUCKLE So, you lost control of the vehicle.
He did.
It was, erjust an accident.
Aye, you made a stunt of that, didn't you? THEY LAUGH Callum, I'm sorry things didnae work oot between us.
Oh, it's me should be apologising to you.
I'm sorry I wasnae what I seemed.
Will you keep in touch? Of course! Aye.
Is Boabby giving you a lift to the airport? No.
His car's full of water.
THEY SNIGGER I'm getting a taxi.
Aye.
CAR APPROACHES BRAKES SCREECH ALL: Oh! I'm fine.
THEY LAUGH AND APPLAUD