All In The Family s08e07 Episode Script
Archie's Grand Opening
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Edith! Edith, come on! I'm in a hurry.
I want you to come out and take a look at me now.
ARCHIE: Huh? Oh! What do you think, huh? Ah! What do you think? Just give me a little check out here, huh? I mean, is it rich enough for the boss of a new saloon opening tonight, huh? Oh! You look very important.
Except for your face, you look like Johnny Carson.
Uh-oh! I got a riddle for ya.
A riddle? What does an airplane do? What does an-- I don't know, fly? Yours is open.
Ow! Oh! Oh, my! Caught my little finger in the propeller.
Oh, Archie, I'm afraid you're gonna be so tired tomorrow at the loading dock.
I know I'm gonna be tired tomorrow at the loading dock, Edith, that's why I ain't going tomorrow to the loading dock.
That's why I want you to get on the blower here, you're gonna call up Mr.
Sanders' secretary Velma, see, and tell her that once again, I'm too sick to work.
Archie, if you call in sick once more, you're gonna lose your job.
Well, Edith, let's face it, that could be in the cards.
Archie, your job's the only thing we can count on! I mean, with all the mortgage payments and everything-- Edith, please! On the biggest night of my life, don't spoil it with them things there.
Now when I get her on the phone, you just tell her that, uh, I had a bad fish.
I wouldn't cook you a bad fish.
You wouldn't cook me a bad fish.
Just tell her that the fish went bad once it got inside me.
Uh, hello, hello.
Could I speak to Mr.
Sanders' offices, please? Oh, no, Archie.
I'm sorry.
I-I can't lie like that.
You give me an hour any Sunday after church, I'll teach you how.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WEAKLY.]
Uh, is that you, Velma? [COUGHS.]
Uh, listen, Velma, I-I'm very feverish, you know? Yeah.
I'm on fire.
Hot all over.
No, this ain't an obscene phone call, Velma.
This-this is Archie Bunker.
I just want you to tell Mr.
Sanders that once again I'm calling in sick for tomorrow.
Yeah-- What do you mean "before"? Well, yeah, but how was I supposed to sound there before, chewing on a thermometer? Just tell Mr.
Sanders what I told you, huh, Velma? Yeah, thanks.
I gotta run, bye.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Velma.
Good-bye.
Big mouth.
Hey, Edith, come on, will ya? I can't wait.
I gotta hurry.
Archie, I'm fixing dinner.
Ain't you gonna eat? Edith, the boss ain't got no time to sit down for dinner, don't you know that? A boss gotta gulp on the run.
Hey, that's the meaning of success.
Oh, I know.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
This is for luck.
Aww.
Hey, you're a little proud of me, huh? Oh, of course I am.
And no matter how successful you get, I know you'll still be the same loveable Archie.
Ah, yeah.
I'll never get so big that I can't look down on my own family.
Okay, we'll be down later.
Yeah, swell.
Swell.
Oh, here's Gloria! I made these sandwiches for your opening.
Okay, we'll bring them down with us.
Oh, okay.
Hey, little girl, what do you think of the old man? How's it look, huh? Wonderful, wonderful! That's great.
Well, okay.
Mwah! I'll see yous both down at Archie's Place, huh? Ah-ah Archie ba-bum, that's me! Ba-ba-ba-bum [BOTH LAUGH.]
Bye, Daddy! Bye! See you later! TOGETHER: I hate that jacket.
TOGETHER: So do I! [INAUDIBLE.]
[HUMMING.]
That's me.
"Grand Opening.
" I like it better with an "E", but what the hell.
Okay, here I am.
Look alive, look alive, boys! You're early.
I gotta be early.
There's things to attend to here, you know? To remind you what condition your apron's in.
You want me to change it? What, do you think I'm made of money? Turn it around to the clean side.
This is the clean side.
Hey, Carlos.
All laughing and signs of happiness on your marijuana break, huh? Okay.
Did you put the powder in the toilet? Why? Because I like the classy blue water.
Do it.
Now, Harry, listen to me.
We're in this thing together.
[CRIES OUT.]
Jeez! Harry, there's a spring in this stool that does nasty things.
Can't you get some tools and push that back down in there, huh? Some woman comes in and sits on that thing, and she belts the innocent guy next to her.
Don't give me dirty looks.
Fix this! Don't give me so many orders.
I'm doing it! Why don't you cool it, Arch? Because you're a boss don't mean you gotta get an ulcer the first day! Listen, Harry, if it takes an ulcer to make a success out of this joint, I'll take ulcers back to back.
What ever happened to you? It seems like only yesterday you were one of the guys, coming in here to drink a few beers and get away from their wives.
Everybody liked ya.
That's all finished, Harry.
You know? Nice guys finish last, as Carter said to Lance.
Who's talking about nice? You jumped from "barely acceptable" to "pain in the butt.
" Harry, what the hell are you sore about? You wanna know what I'm sore about? I'll tell ya.
I worked behind this bar for Kelsey for 10 years, just waiting for my chance to take over.
And you aced me out of it! Well, I'm the boss, Harry, and you better get used to that! Listen, did you ever stop and think that maybe you ain't naturally cut out to be a boss? How the hell would you know? Harry, if God wanted you to be a boss, then why did He, in His infinite wisdom, make you look so perfect in an apron? Well, there's one thing a bartender can do that a boss can't.
What? Quit! Oh, come on, Harry, you ain't gonna quit.
Yes, I am! I'm going down to McFeeney's bar! He's been after me for months! Are you kidding? McFeeney's? Nobody goes there no more.
That joint is a cemetery.
They tell me the jukebox plays Taps.
Well, let me tell you something.
I brought the customers in here, and I'm gonna take 'em down the block with me to McFeeney's! Harry, Archie's customers belong in Archie's Place.
What are you telling me? My customers are gonna leave me to follow you? That's right! They're gonna follow me right down the block to McFeeney's! No, they ain't! They ain't gonna follow you no place there! Nobody's gonna follow you! And let me tell you something, Harry! You could rub liver on your behind and cats wouldn't even follow you! Wait a minute! Where are you going? If Harry goes, I go.
Well, where are you gonna work? Are you kidding? In this land of opportunity? Somewhere out there, a carwash is waiting.
After all I done for you.
Is this all you got to say to me? No, there's one more thing.
What? Zip up your fly! Gee, don't be yelling out in the street.
What a no class thing to do.
Oh! Look at the sign! Daddy, you fixed it up so great! Hey, it looks great, Archie! Hey, I know.
Everything looks beautiful, beautiful, but I'm in big trouble here.
Why, what's the matter, Archie? Here it is, opening night, I'm all alone.
I ain't got no staff.
Well, where is Harry and Carlos? Ah, I fired the two of them.
What for? For doing something rotten.
What did they do? They quit.
Oh, Archie! Well, we can help ya! I can be the hostess and show people to the table! Could you do that, Edith? Sure! But, Daddy, I could wait on tables.
Could you do that? Oh, wait till you see.
Yeah, and I'll help you behind the bar, Arch.
Could you do that? Well, I--I can draw beers.
I don't know if I can mix drinks, but I'll do the best I can.
Oh, well, listen, that's--that's all right.
Nothing to worry about the mix drink.
Look, here's Harry's bartender's guide.
There, see, and anyway, most the people come in here, they only drink beers.
One guy-- Charlie McCree-- he comes in with his mother.
We call her Mother McCree.
Ah! Draw one light and two martinis, very dry.
Hold the lemon, hold the olive, and hold the ice.
Gloria, Gloria, this is a neighborhood bar.
You don't have to take your clothes off to work here.
How about this, Daddy? And a slow gin fizz! Don't do that! [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
ARCHIE: Get the door! Oh, it's customers! No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know, Edith, I know you're the hostess and all of that, but, you know, this is Archie's Place, right? Yeah.
And I'm Archie, so let me open the door for my own first customer, huh? Sure, Archie.
I need it.
Please don't be nervous, huh? Oh, I ain't nervous.
Yeah, I know, but you'll soon get over it, see.
Okay.
Now here we go.
All set.
Yeah.
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Oh, come in! Mrs.
Bunker! How are ya? Ah, this is my husband-- Archie Bunker.
Archie, this is Mr.
Bilky.
He plays the organ at our church.
At the church? Yeah.
Does he drink? Oh, Archie, he's gonna be the piano player for our opening.
Remember, you told me to get one? So you got a church organist, huh? Yeah, well, okay.
Well, then I guess you don't drink, huh? I drink a lot.
Well, go on down there to the piano and dry out down there, see, while you're noodling around there, and, remember, keep it lively.
Don't play nothin' that'll bring the customers to their knees.
Here's some more customers! It's my turn, I'm the hostess.
Yeah, all right.
Good evening.
Hi.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Yeah.
Archie-- This is Archie.
Yeah, that's me.
Hi.
Hi.
We're Mr.
and Mrs.
Cleaver.
Oh! Cleaver, a name you never forget, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
You have a little table for two? Oh, we only got a table for four, but what the hell, sit roomy, huh? Go ahead, right down there.
You'll be needing music, too.
Oh, Archie.
Archie! What? What? Do you want me to sing? Er, no.
Later on, Edith, after they've had too much to drink.
Waitress, waitress, come over here, huh? You know, wait on the people here.
Coming through! Don't bend over.
Daddy, I'm not showing any cleavage.
I know, but around in the back you're showing a lot "clovage.
" Hi.
I'm your waitress, Gloria.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
That's Archie.
What'll you have? We'll have two Harvey Wallbangers.
Oh, that sounds delicious! Uh, two Wallbangers! TOGETHER: Two Wallbangers coming up! What the hell is a Wallbanger? Check in Harry's drink book.
Okay.
What brought you two nice people to our little tavern tonight? This is an occasion.
We've been married two years tonight.
Oh, that's wonderful! Second anniversary over here! Oh, yeah? Oh! Happy second anniversary! Cut.
Wallbanger, Wallbanger maybe it's under "Harvey.
" Arch, there's no Harvey Wallbanger in here! Just take any three kinds of whiskey, mix it with orange juice, and serve it in a dark glass.
Oh! I'll take care of it, Mom.
Hi.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Sit down.
How do you do? Would you like a sandwich? Yes, thank you.
Won't you join us? Oh! Thank you.
So, it's your second anniversary.
Ain't that nice? Oh, I'll never forget my uncle Leon and my aunt Sophie.
They had a second anniversary, that was the second year of their marriage.
That was cotton.
Cotton! ARCHIE: Hey, look who's coming in here! [LAUGHING.]
We just stopped by to wish you luck, Arch.
Yeah, the guys down at the plant pitched in for these posies.
We bought them at the florist's.
Oh, hey, they're beautiful.
I bet the florist beat you for about $9 or $11 for them, right? Oh, no, they were marked down.
You see, they made it up for a funeral, but the guy got better.
This is gorgeous! I'm gonna take it home and hang it over our bed.
Over your bed? It says "Success".
Well? Shut up, you dirty guy.
Say, I've heard of moonlighting, Arch, but running a whole business on the side? Hey! Hey, I hope the boss down at the plant don't find out.
Ah, how the hell is he gonna find out? He never comes out to Queens.
Besides, Mr.
Sanders hates saloons.
You know what happened to Mr.
Sanders the last time he got drunk? No, what? He married Mrs.
Sanders.
[LAUGHING.]
Gloria? Yeah, honey? Here's the two Harvey Wallbangers.
Just serve 'em, will you? Go ahead.
So, my uncle Leon gave my aunt Sophie an anniversary present, cotton.
He gave her a cotton handkerchief, only she didn't know that he wrapped up a string of pearls in the hankie, so when she put it up to her nose, she blew all the pearls into Niagara Falls.
Oh! Uh, two Wallbangers.
Thank you.
This is my daughter, Gloria Stivic.
Hi.
And that's her husband tending bar over there, Michael Stivic.
He's our new bartender.
And, oh, they got the cutest baby.
Joey is his name.
He's so cute.
He's two years old.
Hey, Edith, Edith! Uh, Edith, if you don't mind, Edith, I hate to stifle a swell story, Edith, but I gotta talk to you just a minute over here.
Excuse me.
Edith, no long stories.
Every paragraph is costing me money.
Well, I was just being gracious.
Yeah, I know.
You wanna be helpful? Yeah.
Check the toilets, see that the water is blue.
Go on, Edith.
Come in, folks! Come on right in.
Come right in, there's seats for you right here.
Here's a chair for the little lady.
Sit down right over here.
Uh, waitress, waitress! Daddy was worried that Joey would be bald forever, but now he's got beautiful blond hair, much like mine.
Waitress! Get over here.
You're getting more like your mother every day.
Serve the customers, will you, huh? Hi, I'm your waitress, Gloria.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Don't bend over! And that's Archie.
Hey, bartender, give me another double scotch.
Uh, you know, I think you've had enough.
What? Well-- Wait a minute.
What the hell are you trying to do, bring back prohibition? Arch, there's a new law.
If this guy gets into trouble, he can sue us.
I'll handle this, I'll handle this.
Watch me now.
Uh, sir, are you driving tonight? No.
Are you an Indian? No! Give him whatever the hell he wants.
Double scotch.
And while you're at it, make up two more Harvey Wallbangers for the McCleavers over there.
Okay.
Uh, one pink lady and one Brandy Alexander, honey.
You know, it would be a very helpful thing for me if this could all be written down somewhere.
Please.
Everybody happy over here? Yes, Daddy, everything's fine.
You having fun here? Certainly you are.
I gotta take care of my first customers over here.
Hey, little girl, did you say something rotten to the Carvers over here? Cleavers.
The same thing.
No, but they said something rotten to me.
What'd they say to you? They said you can take your Wallbangers and-- Never mind! Serve the customers here.
Don't bend over! Okay.
MIKE: Arch, here's the two Wallbangers.
Oh, yeah, the two Wallbangers.
Gimme them.
Yeah, what am I-- Anybody wanna buy two Wallbangers? Yeah, I'll take 'em if the little waitress over here will join me.
Oh, sure.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Uh, no thank you.
This little waitress doesn't drink during working hours.
[SHRIEKS.]
Hey! Hey, watch that! He groped her! All right, take it easy.
I'm Archie.
Archie will throw the bum out.
No, Daddy, I'll get rid of him in a nice way.
Uh, hello there, Mr.
Wonderful.
Gee, I would love to have a drink with you, but I'm not allowed to drink with the customers or I might get fired.
See, my boss is a creep.
And then I'd be back out walking the streets, and I've got three hungry kids at home and I got a husband who bashes my skull in.
You know what? These used to be my real teeth.
That was pretty nifty, little girl.
You know? Thanks.
I'll bet the cops could use that face for riot wear.
You stole my heart away Ooh Edith! Hey, Edith! * Ask me to * Edith, hold it, hold it.
Edith! * This I know * Thank you.
Thank you for that lovely moment, Edith.
We don't need another moment, Edith.
I have to patch a hole here.
Yeah, yeah.
Ain't you dying for a drink? Yeah! Then go over to the bar and live.
I'll tell you what, folks.
The little lady's gonna finish that number later on and you'll enjoy it better when yous are all loaded.
[BAR PATRONS APPLAUD.]
Oh, hello, Pivnik.
Oh, Mr.
Sanders! Oh, you want Archie! [LAUGHS.]
Archie, we got trouble here! Sanders is here.
Uh, oh, what? Oh, Archie, be nice.
Remember, he's still your boss.
Yeah, don't burn your bridges behind you.
Oh, hi there, Mr.
Sanders.
Will you straighten up here? Sorry.
What brings you all the way out to Queens? You, Bunker.
Oh! Jeez, you come out for the opening of my new saloon.
Ain't that nice? You gotta have a drink on the house.
Get Mr.
Sanders a couple of Wallbangers.
Oh, no thanks.
Bunker, my secretary said you called in sick again.
Yeah, well, I had one of them 24-hour flus.
You look fine now.
Yeah, well, I blew it out in eight hours.
If you think you're gonna chisel the company out of sick pay, forget it.
Mr.
Sanders, I'm gonna level with you now.
I don't want your sick pay, I don't want nothing from you or the company, 'cause I'm a businessman now with my own business here.
Well, that isn't gonna last long.
You're just a working stiff, Bunker.
Hey, it's been Bunker for the last 20 years, but tonight, it's Mr.
Archie Bunker, and as of tonight, Mr.
Archie Bunker says that he's gonna quit.
Q-I-T, quit.
Well, look, Mr.
Archie Bunker, you don't know what you're doing.
These neighborhood bars are going out of style.
You gotta be a financial wizard to handle all your union troubles, your high costs, high rents! Just don't come to me when you fall on your face.
And don't come me, neither.
Too late to apologize, Harry! But I tell ya what, if you really want to apologize, get behind the bar and start working.
No, Arch, I just come by to pick up my bartender's guide.
Uh, sorry, Professor.
Oh, can't I just have it for tonight? No, I need it.
Why? Two people just come in off the street and ordered Harvey Wallbangers.
It's not in there.
Under "V" for vodka.
Oh! Uh, how do you like the crowd we got here, Harry? Oh, this is nothing.
We're gonna have more than we can handle.
I talked McFeeney into putting in waitresses.
Waitresses? Big deal! We got a waitress.
Topless? Certainly not.
I can always bend over.
Don't move! Topless is dirty.
Sure it is, Arch, but topless is big business.
So long, boss.
I'm going back where the action is.
Oh, the action! The only action you'll see over there is you and McFeeney chasing after the cockroaches! You're in trouble, Arch.
No, I ain't in trouble! Don't tell me that! You know what I think of topless? When you seen two, you've seen 'em all.
Right, Edith? Hey, Arch! How about livening things up? Give us a tune! [BAR PATRONS AGREEING.]
No, no, no.
Come on, Arch! Sing-sing the one all us veterans sang in front of the Americana Hotel.
Which one was that? The one the cops told you not to do no more.
[BAR PATRONS LAUGH.]
Do that here? No, no.
Come on, sing the song! I'll tell ya what I'll do.
I'll do the number if Edith will come up there and do it with me.
[BAR PATRONS CHEER.]
Archie, you told me not to sing.
Yeah, Edith, but you always sound great when I'm there to drown you out.
Archie, you quit your job.
Don't worry about that.
But, Archie-- I don't care.
I'm gonna make a big success of this joint, Edith.
And all I need is you beside me, huh? I'm afraid you'll need a lot more than me.
[BAR PATRONS CHEER.]
All right, all right.
We're gonna give you the tune, and I know just the tune we're gonna give ya.
Hey there, "re-maestro.
" Yeah? Do you know this one here? Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money Maybe we're ragged and funny But we'll travel along Singing our song Side by side Though we don't know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble or sorrow But we'll travel our road Sharing our load Side by side In all kinds of weather What if the sky should fall ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
I want you to come out and take a look at me now.
ARCHIE: Huh? Oh! What do you think, huh? Ah! What do you think? Just give me a little check out here, huh? I mean, is it rich enough for the boss of a new saloon opening tonight, huh? Oh! You look very important.
Except for your face, you look like Johnny Carson.
Uh-oh! I got a riddle for ya.
A riddle? What does an airplane do? What does an-- I don't know, fly? Yours is open.
Ow! Oh! Oh, my! Caught my little finger in the propeller.
Oh, Archie, I'm afraid you're gonna be so tired tomorrow at the loading dock.
I know I'm gonna be tired tomorrow at the loading dock, Edith, that's why I ain't going tomorrow to the loading dock.
That's why I want you to get on the blower here, you're gonna call up Mr.
Sanders' secretary Velma, see, and tell her that once again, I'm too sick to work.
Archie, if you call in sick once more, you're gonna lose your job.
Well, Edith, let's face it, that could be in the cards.
Archie, your job's the only thing we can count on! I mean, with all the mortgage payments and everything-- Edith, please! On the biggest night of my life, don't spoil it with them things there.
Now when I get her on the phone, you just tell her that, uh, I had a bad fish.
I wouldn't cook you a bad fish.
You wouldn't cook me a bad fish.
Just tell her that the fish went bad once it got inside me.
Uh, hello, hello.
Could I speak to Mr.
Sanders' offices, please? Oh, no, Archie.
I'm sorry.
I-I can't lie like that.
You give me an hour any Sunday after church, I'll teach you how.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WEAKLY.]
Uh, is that you, Velma? [COUGHS.]
Uh, listen, Velma, I-I'm very feverish, you know? Yeah.
I'm on fire.
Hot all over.
No, this ain't an obscene phone call, Velma.
This-this is Archie Bunker.
I just want you to tell Mr.
Sanders that once again I'm calling in sick for tomorrow.
Yeah-- What do you mean "before"? Well, yeah, but how was I supposed to sound there before, chewing on a thermometer? Just tell Mr.
Sanders what I told you, huh, Velma? Yeah, thanks.
I gotta run, bye.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Velma.
Good-bye.
Big mouth.
Hey, Edith, come on, will ya? I can't wait.
I gotta hurry.
Archie, I'm fixing dinner.
Ain't you gonna eat? Edith, the boss ain't got no time to sit down for dinner, don't you know that? A boss gotta gulp on the run.
Hey, that's the meaning of success.
Oh, I know.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
This is for luck.
Aww.
Hey, you're a little proud of me, huh? Oh, of course I am.
And no matter how successful you get, I know you'll still be the same loveable Archie.
Ah, yeah.
I'll never get so big that I can't look down on my own family.
Okay, we'll be down later.
Yeah, swell.
Swell.
Oh, here's Gloria! I made these sandwiches for your opening.
Okay, we'll bring them down with us.
Oh, okay.
Hey, little girl, what do you think of the old man? How's it look, huh? Wonderful, wonderful! That's great.
Well, okay.
Mwah! I'll see yous both down at Archie's Place, huh? Ah-ah Archie ba-bum, that's me! Ba-ba-ba-bum [BOTH LAUGH.]
Bye, Daddy! Bye! See you later! TOGETHER: I hate that jacket.
TOGETHER: So do I! [INAUDIBLE.]
[HUMMING.]
That's me.
"Grand Opening.
" I like it better with an "E", but what the hell.
Okay, here I am.
Look alive, look alive, boys! You're early.
I gotta be early.
There's things to attend to here, you know? To remind you what condition your apron's in.
You want me to change it? What, do you think I'm made of money? Turn it around to the clean side.
This is the clean side.
Hey, Carlos.
All laughing and signs of happiness on your marijuana break, huh? Okay.
Did you put the powder in the toilet? Why? Because I like the classy blue water.
Do it.
Now, Harry, listen to me.
We're in this thing together.
[CRIES OUT.]
Jeez! Harry, there's a spring in this stool that does nasty things.
Can't you get some tools and push that back down in there, huh? Some woman comes in and sits on that thing, and she belts the innocent guy next to her.
Don't give me dirty looks.
Fix this! Don't give me so many orders.
I'm doing it! Why don't you cool it, Arch? Because you're a boss don't mean you gotta get an ulcer the first day! Listen, Harry, if it takes an ulcer to make a success out of this joint, I'll take ulcers back to back.
What ever happened to you? It seems like only yesterday you were one of the guys, coming in here to drink a few beers and get away from their wives.
Everybody liked ya.
That's all finished, Harry.
You know? Nice guys finish last, as Carter said to Lance.
Who's talking about nice? You jumped from "barely acceptable" to "pain in the butt.
" Harry, what the hell are you sore about? You wanna know what I'm sore about? I'll tell ya.
I worked behind this bar for Kelsey for 10 years, just waiting for my chance to take over.
And you aced me out of it! Well, I'm the boss, Harry, and you better get used to that! Listen, did you ever stop and think that maybe you ain't naturally cut out to be a boss? How the hell would you know? Harry, if God wanted you to be a boss, then why did He, in His infinite wisdom, make you look so perfect in an apron? Well, there's one thing a bartender can do that a boss can't.
What? Quit! Oh, come on, Harry, you ain't gonna quit.
Yes, I am! I'm going down to McFeeney's bar! He's been after me for months! Are you kidding? McFeeney's? Nobody goes there no more.
That joint is a cemetery.
They tell me the jukebox plays Taps.
Well, let me tell you something.
I brought the customers in here, and I'm gonna take 'em down the block with me to McFeeney's! Harry, Archie's customers belong in Archie's Place.
What are you telling me? My customers are gonna leave me to follow you? That's right! They're gonna follow me right down the block to McFeeney's! No, they ain't! They ain't gonna follow you no place there! Nobody's gonna follow you! And let me tell you something, Harry! You could rub liver on your behind and cats wouldn't even follow you! Wait a minute! Where are you going? If Harry goes, I go.
Well, where are you gonna work? Are you kidding? In this land of opportunity? Somewhere out there, a carwash is waiting.
After all I done for you.
Is this all you got to say to me? No, there's one more thing.
What? Zip up your fly! Gee, don't be yelling out in the street.
What a no class thing to do.
Oh! Look at the sign! Daddy, you fixed it up so great! Hey, it looks great, Archie! Hey, I know.
Everything looks beautiful, beautiful, but I'm in big trouble here.
Why, what's the matter, Archie? Here it is, opening night, I'm all alone.
I ain't got no staff.
Well, where is Harry and Carlos? Ah, I fired the two of them.
What for? For doing something rotten.
What did they do? They quit.
Oh, Archie! Well, we can help ya! I can be the hostess and show people to the table! Could you do that, Edith? Sure! But, Daddy, I could wait on tables.
Could you do that? Oh, wait till you see.
Yeah, and I'll help you behind the bar, Arch.
Could you do that? Well, I--I can draw beers.
I don't know if I can mix drinks, but I'll do the best I can.
Oh, well, listen, that's--that's all right.
Nothing to worry about the mix drink.
Look, here's Harry's bartender's guide.
There, see, and anyway, most the people come in here, they only drink beers.
One guy-- Charlie McCree-- he comes in with his mother.
We call her Mother McCree.
Ah! Draw one light and two martinis, very dry.
Hold the lemon, hold the olive, and hold the ice.
Gloria, Gloria, this is a neighborhood bar.
You don't have to take your clothes off to work here.
How about this, Daddy? And a slow gin fizz! Don't do that! [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
ARCHIE: Get the door! Oh, it's customers! No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know, Edith, I know you're the hostess and all of that, but, you know, this is Archie's Place, right? Yeah.
And I'm Archie, so let me open the door for my own first customer, huh? Sure, Archie.
I need it.
Please don't be nervous, huh? Oh, I ain't nervous.
Yeah, I know, but you'll soon get over it, see.
Okay.
Now here we go.
All set.
Yeah.
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Oh, come in! Mrs.
Bunker! How are ya? Ah, this is my husband-- Archie Bunker.
Archie, this is Mr.
Bilky.
He plays the organ at our church.
At the church? Yeah.
Does he drink? Oh, Archie, he's gonna be the piano player for our opening.
Remember, you told me to get one? So you got a church organist, huh? Yeah, well, okay.
Well, then I guess you don't drink, huh? I drink a lot.
Well, go on down there to the piano and dry out down there, see, while you're noodling around there, and, remember, keep it lively.
Don't play nothin' that'll bring the customers to their knees.
Here's some more customers! It's my turn, I'm the hostess.
Yeah, all right.
Good evening.
Hi.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Yeah.
Archie-- This is Archie.
Yeah, that's me.
Hi.
Hi.
We're Mr.
and Mrs.
Cleaver.
Oh! Cleaver, a name you never forget, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
You have a little table for two? Oh, we only got a table for four, but what the hell, sit roomy, huh? Go ahead, right down there.
You'll be needing music, too.
Oh, Archie.
Archie! What? What? Do you want me to sing? Er, no.
Later on, Edith, after they've had too much to drink.
Waitress, waitress, come over here, huh? You know, wait on the people here.
Coming through! Don't bend over.
Daddy, I'm not showing any cleavage.
I know, but around in the back you're showing a lot "clovage.
" Hi.
I'm your waitress, Gloria.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
That's Archie.
What'll you have? We'll have two Harvey Wallbangers.
Oh, that sounds delicious! Uh, two Wallbangers! TOGETHER: Two Wallbangers coming up! What the hell is a Wallbanger? Check in Harry's drink book.
Okay.
What brought you two nice people to our little tavern tonight? This is an occasion.
We've been married two years tonight.
Oh, that's wonderful! Second anniversary over here! Oh, yeah? Oh! Happy second anniversary! Cut.
Wallbanger, Wallbanger maybe it's under "Harvey.
" Arch, there's no Harvey Wallbanger in here! Just take any three kinds of whiskey, mix it with orange juice, and serve it in a dark glass.
Oh! I'll take care of it, Mom.
Hi.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Sit down.
How do you do? Would you like a sandwich? Yes, thank you.
Won't you join us? Oh! Thank you.
So, it's your second anniversary.
Ain't that nice? Oh, I'll never forget my uncle Leon and my aunt Sophie.
They had a second anniversary, that was the second year of their marriage.
That was cotton.
Cotton! ARCHIE: Hey, look who's coming in here! [LAUGHING.]
We just stopped by to wish you luck, Arch.
Yeah, the guys down at the plant pitched in for these posies.
We bought them at the florist's.
Oh, hey, they're beautiful.
I bet the florist beat you for about $9 or $11 for them, right? Oh, no, they were marked down.
You see, they made it up for a funeral, but the guy got better.
This is gorgeous! I'm gonna take it home and hang it over our bed.
Over your bed? It says "Success".
Well? Shut up, you dirty guy.
Say, I've heard of moonlighting, Arch, but running a whole business on the side? Hey! Hey, I hope the boss down at the plant don't find out.
Ah, how the hell is he gonna find out? He never comes out to Queens.
Besides, Mr.
Sanders hates saloons.
You know what happened to Mr.
Sanders the last time he got drunk? No, what? He married Mrs.
Sanders.
[LAUGHING.]
Gloria? Yeah, honey? Here's the two Harvey Wallbangers.
Just serve 'em, will you? Go ahead.
So, my uncle Leon gave my aunt Sophie an anniversary present, cotton.
He gave her a cotton handkerchief, only she didn't know that he wrapped up a string of pearls in the hankie, so when she put it up to her nose, she blew all the pearls into Niagara Falls.
Oh! Uh, two Wallbangers.
Thank you.
This is my daughter, Gloria Stivic.
Hi.
And that's her husband tending bar over there, Michael Stivic.
He's our new bartender.
And, oh, they got the cutest baby.
Joey is his name.
He's so cute.
He's two years old.
Hey, Edith, Edith! Uh, Edith, if you don't mind, Edith, I hate to stifle a swell story, Edith, but I gotta talk to you just a minute over here.
Excuse me.
Edith, no long stories.
Every paragraph is costing me money.
Well, I was just being gracious.
Yeah, I know.
You wanna be helpful? Yeah.
Check the toilets, see that the water is blue.
Go on, Edith.
Come in, folks! Come on right in.
Come right in, there's seats for you right here.
Here's a chair for the little lady.
Sit down right over here.
Uh, waitress, waitress! Daddy was worried that Joey would be bald forever, but now he's got beautiful blond hair, much like mine.
Waitress! Get over here.
You're getting more like your mother every day.
Serve the customers, will you, huh? Hi, I'm your waitress, Gloria.
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Don't bend over! And that's Archie.
Hey, bartender, give me another double scotch.
Uh, you know, I think you've had enough.
What? Well-- Wait a minute.
What the hell are you trying to do, bring back prohibition? Arch, there's a new law.
If this guy gets into trouble, he can sue us.
I'll handle this, I'll handle this.
Watch me now.
Uh, sir, are you driving tonight? No.
Are you an Indian? No! Give him whatever the hell he wants.
Double scotch.
And while you're at it, make up two more Harvey Wallbangers for the McCleavers over there.
Okay.
Uh, one pink lady and one Brandy Alexander, honey.
You know, it would be a very helpful thing for me if this could all be written down somewhere.
Please.
Everybody happy over here? Yes, Daddy, everything's fine.
You having fun here? Certainly you are.
I gotta take care of my first customers over here.
Hey, little girl, did you say something rotten to the Carvers over here? Cleavers.
The same thing.
No, but they said something rotten to me.
What'd they say to you? They said you can take your Wallbangers and-- Never mind! Serve the customers here.
Don't bend over! Okay.
MIKE: Arch, here's the two Wallbangers.
Oh, yeah, the two Wallbangers.
Gimme them.
Yeah, what am I-- Anybody wanna buy two Wallbangers? Yeah, I'll take 'em if the little waitress over here will join me.
Oh, sure.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Uh, no thank you.
This little waitress doesn't drink during working hours.
[SHRIEKS.]
Hey! Hey, watch that! He groped her! All right, take it easy.
I'm Archie.
Archie will throw the bum out.
No, Daddy, I'll get rid of him in a nice way.
Uh, hello there, Mr.
Wonderful.
Gee, I would love to have a drink with you, but I'm not allowed to drink with the customers or I might get fired.
See, my boss is a creep.
And then I'd be back out walking the streets, and I've got three hungry kids at home and I got a husband who bashes my skull in.
You know what? These used to be my real teeth.
That was pretty nifty, little girl.
You know? Thanks.
I'll bet the cops could use that face for riot wear.
You stole my heart away Ooh Edith! Hey, Edith! * Ask me to * Edith, hold it, hold it.
Edith! * This I know * Thank you.
Thank you for that lovely moment, Edith.
We don't need another moment, Edith.
I have to patch a hole here.
Yeah, yeah.
Ain't you dying for a drink? Yeah! Then go over to the bar and live.
I'll tell you what, folks.
The little lady's gonna finish that number later on and you'll enjoy it better when yous are all loaded.
[BAR PATRONS APPLAUD.]
Oh, hello, Pivnik.
Oh, Mr.
Sanders! Oh, you want Archie! [LAUGHS.]
Archie, we got trouble here! Sanders is here.
Uh, oh, what? Oh, Archie, be nice.
Remember, he's still your boss.
Yeah, don't burn your bridges behind you.
Oh, hi there, Mr.
Sanders.
Will you straighten up here? Sorry.
What brings you all the way out to Queens? You, Bunker.
Oh! Jeez, you come out for the opening of my new saloon.
Ain't that nice? You gotta have a drink on the house.
Get Mr.
Sanders a couple of Wallbangers.
Oh, no thanks.
Bunker, my secretary said you called in sick again.
Yeah, well, I had one of them 24-hour flus.
You look fine now.
Yeah, well, I blew it out in eight hours.
If you think you're gonna chisel the company out of sick pay, forget it.
Mr.
Sanders, I'm gonna level with you now.
I don't want your sick pay, I don't want nothing from you or the company, 'cause I'm a businessman now with my own business here.
Well, that isn't gonna last long.
You're just a working stiff, Bunker.
Hey, it's been Bunker for the last 20 years, but tonight, it's Mr.
Archie Bunker, and as of tonight, Mr.
Archie Bunker says that he's gonna quit.
Q-I-T, quit.
Well, look, Mr.
Archie Bunker, you don't know what you're doing.
These neighborhood bars are going out of style.
You gotta be a financial wizard to handle all your union troubles, your high costs, high rents! Just don't come to me when you fall on your face.
And don't come me, neither.
Too late to apologize, Harry! But I tell ya what, if you really want to apologize, get behind the bar and start working.
No, Arch, I just come by to pick up my bartender's guide.
Uh, sorry, Professor.
Oh, can't I just have it for tonight? No, I need it.
Why? Two people just come in off the street and ordered Harvey Wallbangers.
It's not in there.
Under "V" for vodka.
Oh! Uh, how do you like the crowd we got here, Harry? Oh, this is nothing.
We're gonna have more than we can handle.
I talked McFeeney into putting in waitresses.
Waitresses? Big deal! We got a waitress.
Topless? Certainly not.
I can always bend over.
Don't move! Topless is dirty.
Sure it is, Arch, but topless is big business.
So long, boss.
I'm going back where the action is.
Oh, the action! The only action you'll see over there is you and McFeeney chasing after the cockroaches! You're in trouble, Arch.
No, I ain't in trouble! Don't tell me that! You know what I think of topless? When you seen two, you've seen 'em all.
Right, Edith? Hey, Arch! How about livening things up? Give us a tune! [BAR PATRONS AGREEING.]
No, no, no.
Come on, Arch! Sing-sing the one all us veterans sang in front of the Americana Hotel.
Which one was that? The one the cops told you not to do no more.
[BAR PATRONS LAUGH.]
Do that here? No, no.
Come on, sing the song! I'll tell ya what I'll do.
I'll do the number if Edith will come up there and do it with me.
[BAR PATRONS CHEER.]
Archie, you told me not to sing.
Yeah, Edith, but you always sound great when I'm there to drown you out.
Archie, you quit your job.
Don't worry about that.
But, Archie-- I don't care.
I'm gonna make a big success of this joint, Edith.
And all I need is you beside me, huh? I'm afraid you'll need a lot more than me.
[BAR PATRONS CHEER.]
All right, all right.
We're gonna give you the tune, and I know just the tune we're gonna give ya.
Hey there, "re-maestro.
" Yeah? Do you know this one here? Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money Maybe we're ragged and funny But we'll travel along Singing our song Side by side Though we don't know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble or sorrow But we'll travel our road Sharing our load Side by side In all kinds of weather What if the sky should fall ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.