Benidorm (2007) s08e07 Episode Script

1 (SIGHS) - Last day today.
- Mm-hm.
- What do you fancy doing? - I'm doing it.
We've hardly seen anything of Benidorm.
Well, we came here to relax.
Would you come back here? - Absolutely, like a rat up a drainpipe.
- I wasn't asking you.
Oh, will you two give it a rest, please? Is it too much to ask for one final day of peace and quiet? (TEXT ALERT) - That sounds good to me, one last day in paradise before we head back to reality.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Aw! Jodie! Jodie! Quick get out of the pool! Bloody hell, Sheron, what you playing at? - Quick! Quick! - What's going on? I don't believe it! I don't believe it! (SQUEALS) (LAUGHS) - Sir Henry! - Joyce, how are you? You're looking radiant.
Yes, we had a problem with the underfloor heating, it wouldn't turn off.
No, I mean you look enchanting, as ever.
- Oh, Sir Henry, please, people will talk.
- (CHORTLES) Let them! (GIGGLES) Les, no personal calls during work.
- It's me son, Liam.
- (SIGHS) - One minute, outside.
- You're all heart.
(PHONE BUZZES) - Everything all right, young 'un? - To what do we owe this pleasure? - Joyce, I need a favour.
- I've been let down by The Benidorm Palace.
- Really? I thought their show was rather good.
- I'll be with you in a moment.
- They've had a power cut.
It doesn't look as though - they'll be able to host tonight's Pride Of Benidorm Awards.
- I see.
I've heard so much about your newly refurbished Hawaiian function room.
You want to host The Pride Of Benidorm Awards here? It would be an absolute life-saver, we're a sell-out.
No, I'm sorry, Sir Henry, we simply don't have the manpower.
Joyce, we really are on sticky wicket with this one.
I mean, obviously we asked The Asia Gardens and then The Sheraton and then The Belroy and then The Three Seasons, but after those you were the first place that sprang to mind.
I'm sorry, Sir Henry, as you can see, we really are very busy.
- I know, I miss you, too, son.
- Les, I thought I said one minute! I'm sorry Mrs Temple-Savage.
Yes, pet? I'm sorry we can't help you, Sir Henry.
Very best of luck in your search for a venue.
Les, I'll be in my office.
I think we can do better than relying on luck.
Oh, man! I can't believe how much I've slept.
I've wasted most of the day! What? No, you ain't, it's only half ten.
- Oh, I've got half-five.
- What? Mate, you need a new watch! So, what we doing tonight? It's our last night.
Pride Of Benidorm Awards.
Remember? These are all the deets, they were pushed under my door when I got up.
- Who pushed it under your door? - The geezer we rescued? - Geezer? - When we climbed the mountain, the other day? Oh, yeah! Brokeback Mountain! (LAUGHS) Mate, you need to stop telling people I took you up Brokeback Mountain.
Anyway, the geezer we rescued can't be there tonight but we have definitely been nominated.
'Tiger Dyke and Joey Ellis - joint nomination, Hero Of The Year Award.
' - Tige.
- Yeah, mate? - You know when we came to Spain? - Yeah.
- And you told me to change my watch by one hour.
- Yeah.
We just do that once, yeah? Not every day.
- Just once, mate.
- Cool.
(CHUCKLES) And as you are next on the reserve list we are delighted to offer Jodie Dawson a place on the Full-time Performing Arts course starting October the 5th.
Jodie! They've offered you a place! (WHOOPING) Oh, my God! Amazing! (SQUEALS) What do they mean, reserve list? You mean they didn't want her at first? - Well done, my beautiful princess! - Jodie, high five! (LAUGHS) - Yay! Yay! Somebody needs to give her a slap, she's hysterical.
- I'll give you a slap in a minute.
- I got in! I got in! - What is going on here? - Calm down, Jodie, calm down.
I got in! I got into stage school! You did, darling! You did get in! Because you're the best.
Well, not quite the best, on the reserve list after one of the actual best dropped out.
If you don't shut up, God help me, I am going to smash your face in.
Hey, hey, hey! There will be no smashing of faces! And no screamers.
This is a hotel, not the bin of loonies.
Sorry, pal, she just got a bit carried away.
OK, but no more! I am having my eyes peeled on you.
Sorry.
- Can I see? Can I see? - There you go.
- That'll be dear.
- You can't put a price on talent.
I bet they have put a price on it and it'll be through t'roof.
- How much is it? - We'll talk about it later.
Oh, it'll be cheaper if you talk about it later, will it? Dad! Rob, why don't you take Jodie for another swim.
- We'll do the scene from Titanic, do you know it? - No.
I'll teach you it.
- Whew! - (GIGGLES) - Well? - Three and a half thousand.
- Three and a half grand a year? - (CHORTLES) - Shut up.
- Three and a half thousand a year? - A term.
- What?! - (LAUGHS) - BOTH: Shut up! - Don't be ridiculous.
- Look, we can always - - No! Absolutely not.
No chance.
Whatsoever.
End of discussion.
(JODIE GIGGLES) (PAPER RUSTLES, PHONE RINGS) Oh! (CLEARS THROAT) Joyce Temple - (PHONE RINGS) Oh.
Oh, here (CLEARS THROAT) Joyce Temple - (PHONE RINGS) Oh.
(GASPS) - Savage? What on earth is wrong? - Crystal? Is that you? Of course it's me, who else looks like this? Is this a recorded message? Video conferencing, darling, don't tell me you've never done it before.
- Can you see me? - Yes.
And I'll get straight to the point, Savage, I've had a call from my good friend Sir Henry at the British Consulate in Benidorm.
- Savage! Will you pay attention? - Yes.
Sorry, Crystal.
Now, Sir Henry needs the use of our large function room this evening for an award show organised by the town hall.
Ah yes, he did mention something along those lines, the problem is - - The mayor of Benidorm himself will be in attendance.
Normally we'd love to help out but - - Right, I have a conference in Alicante this afternoon but I should be with you before the show begins.
- You're coming here? - Elvis will give you an in-depth ETA.
I beg your pardon? Elvis, my driver will be in touch to give you a more accurate estimated time of arrival.
Oh, I see.
Don't mess this up, Savage, your job could well depend on it.
Oh! So, yes, we are televised, yes, the mayor of Benidorm and the CEO of Solana Hotels Europe will be here, but if you manage to keep your head, heads will not roll, if you see what I mean.
(LAUGHS) My staff are more than capable of running a simple awards ceremony.
The key phrase here is 'Don't panic', or as Douglas Adams would have it, make sure one knows where one's towel is! (LAUGHS) Ah, I take it we have no Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy fans here.
Who loves you! Har-har-har! Woo! Sammy loves you! Ah, Sammy.
Sammy! Over here! Lady Henry! Didn't recognise you with your clothes on! Come here, here, you old bugger.
Lovely to see you.
Very you, very you, very you! Lovely to see ya! This, as I'm sure many of you recognise, is Sammy Valentino, Local celebrity and TV personality who will be hosting tonight's show.
A very funny man.
Oh, shut up, you old tart, cheque's in the post! - And no, I did not guarantee it! Woo! - (BOTH LAUGH) So, this is the Pride Of Benidorm, huh? I think we should have gone to Lanzarote! (GUFFAWS) - He really is an extremely funny man.
- Thank you.
Very good OK, so if you'll all follow Sammy to the function room, he'll give you an initial briefing.
Or a de-briefing if you're very lucky.
(CHORTLES) Don't be shy, darling, your mother wasn't! - I'm sorry? What did you say about my mother? - A joke, I'm sure.
Yeah, just, just.
Judging by that reaction I'd be coming off stage to the sound of my own footsteps! Surely not for the first time.
- Sorry, love? - Nothing.
Miss Temple Savage, what is going on? I did not understand one single word from this guy.
Stop! (WHEEZING LAUGH) (AS MANUEL) Meester Fawlty! Meester Fawlty, I no understand Eengleeesh! I am from Barcelona! Kitchen's on fire! (GUFFAWS) - Ah! - Ha-ha.
(AS BRUCE FORSYTH) Right then.
Nice to see you, to see you nice! Well, look at the muck in here, look, Clarke Gable.
Well, I'm cock-a-hoop.
- Right, which way to the stage, then? - This way? - Please, walk this way.
- This way? Got to walk this way.
(AS BASIL FAWLTY) Don't mention the war! Hah! Funny voice.
Stick it right up 'em! Ha-ha-hah! I'm sorry for shouting.
I'm not sorry for what I said, but I am sorry for the way I said it.
- Where is everyone? - I've no idea.
- It's our last day, we should all be together.
- True.
I bet they're gutted not to be soaking up this lovely atmosphere.
- Sheron, look - - No, I won't look, and I certainly won't listen.
You've had your say on the matter and that's fine.
I am going to find the money to put our daughter through stage school.
- Oh, for God's sake - - Don't you dare! Don't you dare take that patronising tone with me! How you gonna get £10,000? Rob a bank? - You haven't got a gun, have you? - No, I haven't and you should be extremely relieved about that.
- I'm being practical.
What's your favourite song? - What? - What is your favourite song of all time? I don't know.
What if I had that gun pointing to your head and you could listen to one song before you die, what would it be? - Relax.
- I am relaxed, I'm asking you a question.
No, Relax, by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
So, what if Really? Yeah, top tune.
So, what if Holly Johnson's parents, when he said he wanted to be a singer, had said, 'No, we're not gonna help you, you've got to work in a shoe shop'? - There is a slight difference.
- Tell me the difference.
Holly Johnson can sing.
Oh.
Ow.
Sheron! Sheron! And I'm sitting there, and Sinatra starts walking towards me, and I'm chatting away and he walks up to me and he says, 'Sammy, how's it going?' and I said, 'Piss off, Frank, can't you see I'm with a bird?' Bloody hell, don't tell me, 'Who's Frank Sinatra?' I know who Frank Sinatra is.
I think I laughed the first time I heard that joke, - sometime in the '70s.
- Yeah, all right, Gomez, keep your hair on.
Me name's Les, not Gomez.
Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla, whatever.
Why don't you pop back to your coffin so me and sweet-cheeks can go through the drill? - I think I might just stay here.
- I'm fine, Les, believe me.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
All right, I'll see youse later.
Yes, bye-bye, adios, auf wiedersehen, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Bye! Right, now - Look, I have got other work I can be doing.
I'll tell you what, you can hand out some of these tickets to some of the more attractive people of Benidorm.
Now, I know that's a bit of a tall order, but I do not like an ugly front row.
No.
We do not want an ugly front row.
Do we? No, we do not.
Ha-hah! No problem.
Woo! Remember, straight back, got a lot of planning to do for tonight.
And remember, Sammy loves you! So, back to reality tomorrow.
Yeah, gutted, man, totally gutted.
- Are you back to work on Monday? - Work?! No, mate, didn't I tell you? I forgot to tell them I was coming on holiday and when I remembered the day before they said if I went they'd replace me so - And you still came on holiday? - Yeah, man, I didn't wanna let you down.
Plus, I was looking forward to it.
So, what you gonna do for a job? I don't know, something'll turn up, I guess.
- Another drink? - Yeah, mate, cool.
May as well get a round in while I can still afford it.
(LAUGHS) Do you get it? The drinks are free here.
Yeah, nice one.
Yeah, yeah, everything's cool, thanks.
Listen, Dad, just a quick one, have we got any vacancies at the moment? Unskilled, definitely unskilled.
A beautiful drink for a beautiful lady.
Oh, shove it! - What an absolute arsehole.
- Oh, you served her, too? What? No, man, what's-his-name in there.
Oh, Sammy Vaselino, you are right, he is an asshole.
Oh, Mateo, before I forget, are you still looking for somewhere to live? - Yes, you know somewhere? - When Liam left Benidorm his two flatmates didn't get anybody else to take his room but now they're starting to feel the pinch.
- Pinch? - They need a flatmate.
- How much? - 50 euros a week all in.
- All in to what? - I mean including bills.
Liam's flatmates, hmm, I am not sure.
Who are they? Two dancers in their early 20s from the Benidorm Palace.
- I need this room.
- Shall I tell them you're in? - Yes, I am in.
- Nae bother, I'll let them know.
What are you doing here in the shade? - I've got it all worked out.
- What? - Jodie's school fees.
- Oh, Sheron.
Listen, and this way your Dad doesn't have to live in the caravan.
So, we sell the caravan, that's got to be worth six grand, that's almost the first two terms.
The last term comes from charging your Dad rent to live with us, 300 per calendar month, that's - - Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
- Charge me Dad rent? - Well, he doesn't want to stay in the caravan.
Anywhere else, he'd have to pay rent.
You want me to charge me own Dad rent to stay in our house? Better he pays us than someone he doesn't know.
Imagine he did pay rent, how long is this course? - Three years.
- So, where's the other 20 grand coming from? Have you got another four caravans you didn't tell me about? - It's her dream.
- I know it is, I know it is.
But it's just the wrong time with Rob going to uni and that.
Just because we can't send her to this school right now doesn't mean she won't follow her dreams.
If she's got the talents you think she has, then it'll happen.
But we can't afford this stage school.
It'll break her heart.
I'll make it up to her.
Somehow.
Come on.
I want you to know, Sir Henry, you may have won the battle but you will not win the war.
I'm sorry? I told you we did not have the resources to host your evening and you completely ignored me and went over my head.
Joyce, I need to apologise about that but you must understand, I was at my wit's end.
My back was against the wall and I panicked.
But I need you to know that I find you terribly attractive and I would never normally do anything to undermine your authority or interrupt the running of your extremely impressive operation here at The Solana.
What did you say? I was at my wits end.
My back was against the wall.
No, not that.
Er I would never undermine your authority? Something about an impressive operation? You said you find me terribly attractive.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes, I did say that.
You've never said anything like that before.
Oh, I have, to my ex-wife.
Although that was the '80s.
I was drinking rather heavily.
No, I mean, to me.
Oh.
Well, one has to occasionally throw one's keys onto the table.
- Speaking metaphorically.
- Oh, of course.
Perhaps we should continue this conversation another time, somewhere slightly more appropriate? Maybe I could take you up the Consulate.
- On a first date? - I'm sorry? Oh.
I see.
Sorry.
Yes, er yes, that would be delightful.
Well, I'd better get on, we have Peter Andre booked for the cabaret, must make sure nothing goes wrong there.
- We've booked him before.
- Really? Peter Andre? Yes, we had him in Neptune's a couple of years ago.
Oh, heavens, and I thought we had something of a scoop.
Never mind.
I'll call him and make sure he gives you an extra special performance.
Yes.
Thank you.
Until this evening.
No problem, if you've got an evening planned, I just thought I'd ask, as it's our last night.
Why don't you come to this thing tonight? You might win an award! - Joe, he won't win an award.
- Well, what sort of attitude is that? No, mate, he ain't been nominated.
I'll nominate him.
Shut up.
Come if you want, it might be good.
Hello, I don't suppose you've got plans for tonight, have you? I did but I'll cancel them for you, no problem.
I've got free tickets for The Pride Of Benidorm Awards.
- Oh, we're going, me and Joey have been nominated.
- Really?! Yeah, we can all go out for a drink after, if you want.
I've got arrangements after the show.
See you later.
Shut up! How did you manage that? We're just going for a drink.
Looks like I'll see you guys later after all.
Oh my God, you'll never guess what, Rob's got a date with Amber tonight.
I think I'll go for a swim.
Last one, innit? Yeah, man.
Here, Joe, everything all right? Yeah, everything's cool, mate.
Jacqueline.
Oh, hello.
Can I join you? If you want to.
Listen, I might have got wrong end of t'stick, but have I offended you in any way? No, no you haven't.
It's just that last night I could have sworn you gave me t'cold shoulder.
I was just a bit tired.
I really enjoyed t'night before, you know, t'time we spent together.
Eddie, I feel a bit silly but well, I came out here yesterday and I saw you flirting with that manageress.
And I don't know why it bothered me, we hardly know each other.
But well, I suppose I just feel a bit vulnerable.
It feels strange, being on me own, after all these years.
I know what you mean.
That feeling of starting again it don't feel right at our age, does it? I can't help feeling my Donald would have coped a lot better on his own if I'd been the first to go.
From what you told me he sounded a real character.
Oh, he was! Do you know, he used to say something that I always thought was out of character for him, 'From the moment we're born we start to die.
' But now I understand, the clock is ticking from the word go.
We need to live life to the full and take all the opportunities it offers.
We can't go through life thinking 'what if?'.
Do you know what I mean? I do.
I do know what you mean.
Buenas dias! Buenas dias! Buenas dias! Buenas dias! Monty! What on are you doing here? Joyce, I just picked up my tickets from The Benidorm Palace for tonight and I found out you're hosting the Awards here.
Yes, I'm just helping out an old friend.
- Not Sir Henry? - Who? Oh, erm, yes, kind of.
- He is an absolute bastard, you know that, don't you? - Really? I don't like to speak ill of others.
Yes, I can see that.
But he is an absolute bastard.
And a womaniser.
Really?! Oh yes, he's been through more middle-aged women than Gordon's gin.
I'd steer very well clear of that one, if I were you.
That's enough about him, I'm here to talk about us.
- Us? - Do you mind? Joyce, I've been thinking, maybe I was a bit hasty, leaving the other night.
Monty, I had no idea what you were talking about when you ran off.
All I know is, we were supposed to be spending some time together and I spent the evening on my balcony alone.
- So it was a misunderstanding! - Monty, I've got to get on.
Joyce, would you do me the honour of accompanying me to The Pride Of Benidorm Awards tonight? Maybe pop into Mr Wu's after? A la carte? Chips and Rice? No.
Oh, well, don't mince your words.
I'm sorry Monty, I have a hotel to run.
I'm sure I'll see you at some point, I'll be in and out all night.
I was hoping for something similar myself.
(MUSIC PLAYS) You came in That's what my little heart was looking for Laughter in the rain Feeling like a fool in love again I think I understand.
Well, the problem is, with the mix-up with this reserve list they sent the wrong email out.
I'm so sorry, darling.
But your grandad's still buying you that karaoke machine.
It's all paid for.
- I'm glad they made a mistake.
- What do you mean? Well, even though I'd love to go, it wouldn't be fair on you and me Dad because it's such a lot of money.
So, is it all right if I go to this awards thing, then? Hello? Ladies and gentlemen, senors and - what is it? - senoritas, welcome to The Pride Of Benidorm Awards.
Will you please welcome your host, TV's own Sammy Valentino! Thank you! Woo-hoo! Woo hoo! Thank you, thank you, muchas gracias.
Please don't, please don't, please don't stop.
Oh, you have.
Do we have a show for you this evening! Do we have a show? Yeah.
Nobody tells me nothing around here.
But before we carry on with tonight's proceedings, there's one woman I'd like to thank.
Please give a round of applause for the lovely Joyce Savage Temple.
Yes, the manageress of the Solana, yes, manageress of the Solana hotel that stepped in at the very last minute and gave us this um this What exactly is this place? It's like a cross between a village hall and DFS.
Kkkkk Actually, between us, I had lunch today with Joyce, you know, we had lunch.
She looked across the table, she said, 'Sammy, how do you fancy a quickie?' I said, Joyce, 'I think you might have misread the menu, it says quiche.
' - All right, boys, have you won yet? - It's just starting.
Well, without further ado, it's time for our very first award.
(CHEERING & APPLAUSE) - Who loves you? - CROWD: Sammy! Hello Is it me you're looking for? - Lovely new singer! - Oh, I know, he's fabulous.
It's Marc Marcus, the Lionel Richie of Benidorm.
There you go, Kenneth, another toad in the hole.
- Thank you, Miss Conroy.
- Will you want another pudding, as well? Lesley, two toad-in-the-holes and a jam roly-poly is enough for any man.
Even one who's worked as hard as I have today.
I'm not a pig.
It's not on the menu but there's a bit of spotted dick from yesterday.
Ooh, you temptress! Go on then, just a bit, plenty of custard.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, good new singer this.
- Stick around, might be someone else you like later, too.
- Oh, champion! For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying I love you I must admit you have both worked very hard today.
Well, we had to we were rushed off our feet.
Kenneth, any news on that stylist Trev recommended? All in good time, Troy, all in good time.
And thank you to all my patients, to the ones who lived and also to the ones who died.
I could not have done this without you, you are my inspiration, you are the wind beneath my wings! Thank you! Muchas gracias! Yeah, thank you, Dr Lugo.
Thank you! Yeah, Dr Lugo, there.
The next award is - Oh, oh, we like this one, it's the Hero Award, an award recognising bravery and courage in the face of adversity.
I should be in the running for that one, shouldn't I? And now for the nominations for our next award, can we have a warm hand on her entrance.
Stop it! Amber! - Amber! Amber's here everybody.
- Woo! Amber ber.
Amber.
Just waiting for her to give me the green light.
(WHEEZES) Sammy loves you! Go on, get off the stage, off the stage! My show, my rules.
Amber, lovely lady.
Ok, right.
The nominations for the Hero Award are as follows Juan-Carlos Escribano.
Victor Marquez.
Tiger Dyke & Joey Ellis, couple of local lads there.
Wonderful.
And the winner is (SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH) Oooooh, drum roll.
Bit of flamenco, for the locals.
The winner - or should I say the winners? - are Tiger Dyke & Joey Ellis! For rescuing a fellow mountaineer on the Sierra Helada here in Benidorm.
And here to present the award is Benidorm's very own mayor, Agustin Navarro! Woo-woo-woo! Yes, wonderful.
I am so sorry, Peter, I came as soon as you called, is there a problem? Joyce, will you please tell this man I have been booked for this show.
Of course you're booked, I confirmed it myself.
Thank you! I've got Lady Gaga sitting in me van one show down thanks to me taking on this solo gig.
Oh, hi, mate, you must be Henry, sorry I'm late - - Gordon, what are you doing here? - Spencer, I was here first.
Don't call me Spencer when I'm in character, OK? My name is 'Peeder'.
I'm sorry, when we made the booking we stressed we wanted the original Peter Andre.
That's me, I am The Original Peter Andre.
Five years in Benidorm and still going strong.
No, the one and only Peter Andre.
That's me, the one and only Peter Andre.
Joyce, can you sort this out, please? I turned down a wedding in Polop for this.
I didn't know there were two Peter Andres in Benidorm.
There's only one Peter Andre tribute act in Benidorm and I am he.
- We didn't want a tribute act.
- Oh, for goodness sake! We've had this before.
We've got four Olly Murs tributes in Benidorm.
Not one of them is under 40.
There's only one way to sort this out.
- Let's hear you both sing.
- What? I stop and stare at you Walking on the shore I try to concentrate My mind wants to explore - - What kind of accent's that, mate? - Shut up! The tropical scent of you Takes me up above And, girl, when I look at you - OK, that's enough, enough.
It wasn't terrible.
It's your turn.
- I don't have to compete with that, do I? - Fine, I'll go on.
No, it's OK, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
- We're waiting.
- Yeah, I know.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Mysterious girl I wanna get close to you Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Mysterious girl Move your body close to mine - - I'm sorry, do you have a second song? Girl, you are me heart's desire And you alone you set me soul on fire Me tell dem, girl, you are me heart's desire and you alone Watch dis! - Who are you doing now? - Bubbler Ranx, does the rap in that song.
Two for the price of one, can't argue with that! Not being funny, mate, you look nothing like Peter and this is clearly a wig! Oi, what do you think you're doing? Ooh, geroff! - Get off! - (INDISTINCT) - No, pl- - Oh, for goodness sake! Will the real Peter Andre please stand up? See.
Told you it was a wig.
Come on, mate, get up.
Mate, come on.
OK, come on, cobber, wake up.
- Seriously, wake up! - (GASPS) Oh, shit! Where are you going?! Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming to the end of our evening.
- AUDIENCE: Oh! - Ah, yes, I know.
Who loves ya, who loves ya? Sammy loves you, that's right.
Normally somebody tells me what's about to go It doesn't matter, cos normally what happens, I'll stand with my back to the curtain, like this, and somebody will give me a little poking.
Can't touch you for it! Ooh! Oh, there it goes.
Oh! (PARP!) Oh, eh? Only hurts the first time What are we supposed to do now? Thank God Crystal never turned up, I could lose my job over this! Savage! What the hell is going on here? Hello, Henry.
Crystal! You came! What is that idiot on the stage babbling on about? I'm so sorry, Crystal, he's just trying to fill in while we sort out the final act.
Oh, well, where is the final act? That's him there.
You mean you have no act to close the show with? I don't suppose you could give us a tune, could you? What a feeling When we're dancing on the ceiling Whoa, got a feeling Hey, Mateo, did you pay your deposit for the flat? Yes, I paid into the bank account you gave me.
It is going to be a hard life living with two 20-year-old dancers but it is a crossover I will have to bear.
- Champion.
George and Fred are coming in tonight.
- Who is George and Fred? Your new flatmates.
Yes, sir? The French are glad to die for love They delight in fighting duels But I prefer a man who lives And gives expensive jewels A kiss on the hand May be quite continental But diamonds are a girl's best friend.
A kiss may be grand But it won't pay the rental On your humble flat Or help you at the automat Men grow cold As girls grow old And we all lose our charms in the end But square-cut or pear-shaped These rocks don't lose their shape.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Tiffany's! Cartier! Black Starr Frost Gorham Talk to me, Harry Winston, tell me all about it - Who is she? - Dunno.
She's good, though! Yeah, man! Listen, Joe Yeah, Tige? Mate, I got an email from my Dad saying he offered you a job.
Yeah.
he did, as it goes.
- But you turned him down.
- Yeah it's not really what I'm looking for at the moment.
What are you looking for? Tiger, I've really enjoyed this holiday but I admit I'm not the brightest person and I know I sometimes get things wrong but I think at times I've embarrassed you on this holiday and I wouldn't wanna do that to you at work, as well.
- Mate, what are you talking about? - Like today, when you told me to shut up and well, I really like hanging with you, man, and I don't wanna ruin our friendship.
I didn't say shut up! I mean when I said shut up I just mean shut up, not 'shut up!' - Shut up?! - Serious! Oh, my days! I thought you were mad with me! - Don't be stupid! - Hey, don't call me stupid! - Jokes! - (LAUGHS) So you'll take the job? Yeah, man, I'm not a complete idiot! Diamonds are a girl's best friend Best friend! (CHEERING) Thank you! You're so sweet, thank you so much.
Saved your ass again, Savage.
He's fine but he may have concussion.
We've called an ambulance.
Henry, don't know who your mate is but she's tearing the place apart.
Oh, is it all right if I go, Joyce? My shift finished half an hour ago.
- Yes, of course.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's all part of the show, the big finale, big bow at the end.
I'm fine, you can have my share of the applause.
You'll find that wasn't a suggestion, love.
She said she doesn't want to.
Ooh, look, it speaks.
(GUFFAWS) Let go of her.
Why don't I sing Swannee River and you can jump in? I said let go of her! Oh, God! Oh.
Oh, Sammy you're wet.
Oh, you stink! And now to start our karaoke, Kenneth and a very special guest.
I'm so alone, my love, without you You're part of everything I do When you come back and you're beside me These are the words I'll say to you Welcome home, welcome Come on in and close the door You've been gone, too long Welcome you're home once more So, basically, I'm staying here for a couple more weeks.
What do you mean you're staying here? I don't know what part of that you don't understand.
I'm extending my holiday.
- You can't stay here on your own.
- Who said I was staying here on my own? And before you say anything, we're just friends.
So it's two weeks here then back to Leeds to house sit for Ron Pickford.
- Ron Pickford? - You know Ron Pickford, all my gear's in his garage.
He's off on a round the world cruise, three months.
Three months? Then our Rob'll be at uni.
Well, if I've not found somewhere to live by then maybe I can come and stay with you for a few weeks? You can come and stay with us for as long as you like, Eddie.
- Do you mean that Sheron? - Yeah, I do.
Well, you might be glad of t'company because I'm paying for our Jodie to go to stage school.
(GASPS) Grandad! Do you mean it? No, you can't.
- Dad - - I've made up my mind.
We need to live life to t'full and take all the opportunities it offers.
We can't go through life thinking 'what if?' Thank you, Grandad, I love you.
I love you, too, kid.
Now, whose round is it? Singing these words with all your heart Welcome home, welcome Come on in and close the door You've been gone, too long Welcome - You're home once more - I'm home once more Hi, Dad! (CHEERING) So, why didn't you say you were coming back, young 'un? Why just tell someone when you can say it in a song? So, what's going on? You've given up your job in Madrid? I've given them notice but I haven't saved as much as I thought I would.
- Can I stay with you for a bit? - A bit? Just you try leaving! Come here! Aw! (LAUGHS) I've missed you, Dad, I've missed you too much.
I've missed you all too much! Liam, this is your prospective new boss, Troy.
Hello, Troy.
Interview tomorrow morning? No need.
You come highly recommended.
Drinks! We all need a drink! Hey! You happy you have a new flat mate, yeah? Oh, I couldn't be happier.
And look, here's your new flatmates.
George and Fred.
Lesley, I think I have made the mistake.
I have nothing against the moofalatas but maybe I look for somewhere else to stay.
Not them, them.
Georgina and Estair.
They call her Fred, as in Fred Astaire.
Get it? I certainly hope so.
(SUGGESTIVE LAUGH) Come on.
- All night - All night - All night long - All night Joyce, I couldn't find you at the awards.
Monty, I told you I'd be in and out all night.
You look absolutely exhausted, you're sweating.
Horses sweat, Monty, women glow.
Well, come and sit down, you're glowing like a pig.
Joyce, I want you to know (CLEARS THROAT) my intentions are honourable.
Monty, I think I've made a decision.
I enjoy my life, and I love my job but men are not for me.
Good lord, Joyce, I don't wish to appear rude but don't you think you've left it a bit late to start boarding the lady-train? When I said men are not for me I didn't mean I For goodness' sake! Oh, I see, I see.
You're choosing the single life.
For now.
I understand.
But Joyce, if you change your mind I'll be here.
One last dance? Why not? Good night, God bless you.
Thank you very much.
(CHEERING)