It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s08e07 Episode Script

Something outside the box.
Come on, people.
You agree with me.
The shareholders meeting is next week.
If we don't act fast, this company will be stripped down and sold for scrap.
I say we cut a deal with the Wheeler Group.
You want to make a deal with the people who are threatening to gut us? What choice do we have? No.
There is one man who can save this company.
Its founder.
The man is from a different era.
He's a Neanderthal, an animal.
Yeah, and just the animal we need.
Bring in the warthog.
Hey, Frank, how do you know that these are crow's eggs? Because I saw a crow.
Hurry up.
I can't stay here much longer.
Oh, my God, there's a whole untapped world of bird eggs that we're not even taking advantage of.
Get the phone! Hello? Is this the warthog? I ain't heard that name in a long time.
Five, four, three, two, one! Oh, boom, 24 hours is up.
The found wallet is ours.
Let's pop this bad boy open and see what we've won.
Mr.
Brian LeFeve from Quebec, you lose.
Boom, I got your wallet.
Boom, I got your credit cards.
Boom, I got your money.
Oh, shit.
Is that Canadian? Ah, throw it in the trash.
I'm not gonna throw it in the trash.
Might be worth more than ours.
We'll exchange it.
What's this? Phillies ticket.
For today! Oh, shit, looks like we're going to the Phillies game.
Always check your breath.
Right.
And when you shake their hands, make sure your hands are bone dry.
Dry hands.
Never wet and clammy.
I got it.
Guys, quick announcement.
I'm gonna be popping these crow's eggs in the fridge here so they don't spoil.
Do not touch them.
They are ours.
We won't.
Guys, why are you dressed like that? There's some scumbag company that's trying to take over the business that I founded, and I'm not gonna stand for that.
Yeah, no, we're not gonna stand for that.
Frank's taking me under his wing; he's gonna teach me how to swim with the sharks.
Charlie can't read.
He'll adapt.
He'll adapt to reading? Okay, you know what, we don't need them, all right? We have plenty of fun things to do today, okay? That's right, while you guys are crunching numbers, we're gonna be soaking up some sun at the Phillies game, courtesy of one Mr.
Brian LeFeve.
Who the hell is that? The guy whose wallet we found at the bar.
What are you gonna do if he comes looking for it? Uh, tell him to suck a boner.
Exactly.
Boom, I got your wallet.
Boom, I got your credit cards.
Boom, I got your Phillies tickets.
Yeah, I've never been in Whoa.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Awesome.
Oh, fine dining and baseball food.
There's more.
Hey! Oh! Free batteries! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Calm down, calm down.
What's in here? Free shit, free shit.
Guys, calm down.
Look at all these coasters.
Jesus Christ.
Act like you belong here.
Now listen to me.
The fact that we're in a box leads me to believe that there are definitely gonna be other people coming here today, and they're probably gonna be friends with this LeFeve guy.
So we need to talk about an exit strategy.
We don't want to get caught.
Okay, exit strategy.
All right, I'll run the op.
This the only entrance and/or exit, therefore if somebody comes in, I will spring off the balcony to safety.
No, no, no, no.
That's a 50-foot drop.
Yes, of course, and I'm a professional, so I will tuck and roll.
Oh, you're gonna tuck and roll through a 50-foot drop? Dennis, if I had a gun with me, I'd be spraying bullets into the air as I fell.
No, no, no, we don't have time for these types of scenarios, okay? I'm talking about coming up with a real plan, a real exit strategy.
If we get caught, we could get in a lot of Excuse me, is one of you Brian LeFeve? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, hi.
It's nice to finally put a face to the name.
I'm Andrew Kane.
Of course.
And Bill Larkin.
Oh, Bill, okay, now see, from our conversations, I would have pegged you for Bill.
Crazy? Oh, yeah, we get that sometimes.
Yeah? And that must make you Prudence LeFeve.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
And you are? Vic Vinegar, bodyguard.
I don't shake, so don't even try.
Bodyguard? Yeah, I mean, he's really more of a driver.
He drives us around.
I protect their bodies.
He protects the car.
Well, I mean, we got all week to talk about business.
So, uh, let's just kick back and watch this game, huh? Who needs a beer? I do.
Oh, I'd love a beer.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Vic, you're working.
You're working.
You are.
A bodyguard, you got to drive, too, stupid.
Yeah.
Cheers.
I'm not stupid.
Not stupid.
All right.
Charlie, I want a list of the top ten shareholders of the company ASAP, and call the press.
Put out a press release.
Tell them the warthog is back in business.
Also, there are too many minorities and women working here.
What's up with that? I got all that.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
Excuse me, excuse me, who is this man? Charles Kelly.
I'm gonna be advising the warthog in matters of business and all the what have you.
Oh, everything.
Right-hand man, you got it? I mean, there's gonna be some changes around here, you understand? Ah, look at this.
This poor kid, nobody's helping him.
Hey, hey, kid.
What's happening? What is it? Sorry, sir.
The darn thing won't print.
You mind if I take a look-see? Oh, no.
I think it's a paper jam.
Yeah, there's the culprit.
Thanks, Mr.
Warthog.
A jam, it was in the tray three, and you didn't check.
It was hiding back there.
It was like a little piece of paper.
Let me Whoa, let me ask you a question.
Did I just do your job for you? Excuse me? Did I? Did I just do your job for you? Uh, I-I guess so.
You're fired.
Get the hell out of here.
Go on, pack your shit up and get out of here.
If we're gonna turn this company around, we got to start cutting the crust off this shit sandwich.
Fire in the hole, everybody.
Come on, work.
So, what do you think of our latest proposal, LeFeve? I think closing at 31's a pretty fair deal, don't you? tend to be a little complicated.
Oh, I think ya can do better.
Oh, you looked over the proposal? She glanced at it.
We're not Tell us more about it.
Yah, I sure did, and I tell you what, I seen better-looking moose turds in Rick Moranis' backyard, ya hosers.
Mm? She's got a sense of humor that would just You know, it gets frustrating.
Hey, come talk to me for a second.
Excuse me, guys.
Just What the hell are you doing, Dee? We're Canadian.
You sound like a cartoon character.
Guys, let's get out of here.
Everybody's treating me like the help.
Well, you should have thought about that before you blurted out, "bodyguard.
" Mm.
Oh, I got an idea.
Promote me to vice president.
That way, we can talk shop.
Mac, these gentlemen are courting me for my business savvy.
How's it gonna reflect on me if I promote my bodyguard to VP after a two-minute conversation at a ball game? Mm-hmm.
It's not gonna reflect on you at all because you're not Brian LeFeve.
I'm not what? Dude, clearly you were floundering.
Mac, I was gathering information so that I can more fully become this man.
Look, look, this is about much more than just business.
This is about the thrill of wearing another man's skin.
Feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move.
That's how you get off.
Now don't you guys want to get off with me? I don't know.
What? I want you to get off with me.
Okay, okay.
Just follow my lead.
Guys, we're gonna get off together.
Gentlemen, I'm just confused about one thing.
Now, you got me out of bed, you put me on a plane, rolled out the red carpet for, what was it, 31? Vic, get my coat.
Let's get out of here.
Now hold on a second, LeFeve.
Give us a shot.
We will persuade you.
Get ready for a great week.
A little longer in the sock, huh? Higher in the thigh.
So tell me the rundown for tomorrow, Charlie.
Okay.
We got a 8:30 appointment in the morning to play racquetball in these new outfits, then we're gonna head over to Barneys, we're gonna shop for Rolexes.
After that, we zip by Atwater where you're having your office completely redone back to its former 1980's glory.
And then we have a 5:00 sushi dinner with Mr.
Nakashori.
That all sound right? Whoo! Sounds great, Charlie.
Good.
Well, Frank, I'm a little confused about one thing.
What's that? Who pays for all this? What do you mean, who pays for it? The company pays for it.
All right, well, then here's my second question.
What does Atwater make? What do you mean, like, how much money does the company make? Oh, no, I mean what do we make? I don't follow.
We make money.
No, I know we make money.
I mean, what do we create? We create wealth.
No, no, I mean, what do we build, what do we design, you know? Because I have some ideas that could really help the company.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, we don't build anything.
Leave that to the Chinks.
Speaking of which, I want this sushi dinner to be the tits.
Oh, okay, so you want it to be, like, really expensive.
No, I want to eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits.
Hmm.
All right, guys, listen, I whipped us up a couple of backstories here, so take a look at these cards.
On the front, you're gonna find your biographical information.
On the back, that's your emotional blueprint.
Hmm.
I have my own backstory, Dennis.
I'm an entrepreneurial bodyguard with his own line of fitness products.
I want to pitch the guys out.
No, no, guys, guy, please, you got to trust me, okay? Just follow my lead, and I am gonna get you off in ways you never believed existed.
I'm in.
I'm not.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
I just want to do some business stuff.
No.
Okay, LeFeve, we have a surprise you are gonna love.
Ah, really? Trust me, we know exactly what you like.
Head on down to the members' locker room and see for yourself.
Dennis, I have business savvy.
I can be more than just the bodyguard, okay? I've got ideas.
Oh, you got ideas? Pitch me one of your ideas right now.
Right now? Off the top of my head? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, bodyguards.
What about bodyguards? Training bodyguards, putting them in a facility and What about them? Oh, what about a resort? That's a totally different thing.
Are you saying that because we're in a resort? Stick to the one thing.
What about bodyguards? A resort for bodyguards? Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, you must be Mr.
LeFeve? Uh, yeah, that's me.
Surprise.
I'm all yours.
I was told there'd just be one, but I can take both of you.
Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.
Okay, well, I'm out of here.
Okay.
Wait.
What? Hey, hey, where you going? LeFeve's into banging little Asian boys, so we're done, right? If we're gonna do this thing, we need to see things through.
Dennis, are you gonna have sex with a tiny Asian boy? I'm gonna see how far I can go.
Okay.
Are you with me? No.
No, I'm going to leave now.
That's your goddamn problem, pal, you don't know your limits 'cause you're not willing to push yourself.
I know my limits! This is my limit.
I quit.
You quit? Yes! Well, guess what, pal, you can't quit 'cause you're fired, Vic! You're out of here! See? You got no commitment, Vinegar! You're finished! You're never gonna get anywhere in life! All right, LeFeve, time to put your money where your mouth is.
Let's kick things up a notch.
So, only the ones set of clubs? Yeah, you're a caddy.
Clubs This is a golf Good.
Yeah, okay.
Well, that's better than what I was about to Whoo! Let me, um Give me a minute.
I need to switch gears.
I almost Yeah.
Take your time.
Okay, first off, your dry cleaning's all done, the company jet's been upgraded.
I got rid of that piece of trash.
Nice! Okay, now, secondly, I found out who the controlling shareholder of Atwater is.
Who? Brian LeFeve.
Who? Brian LeFeve.
The wallet they found? Holy shit! Yeah.
He was probably there to see me.
Dennis has been going around pretending to be him, and stringing along the Wheeler guys.
This is great, Charlie.
We keep the Wheeler guys off our asses, and we fix Atwater! Huh? Good move.
Right? Pretty good.
Oh, Nakashori's here.
Yeah, but this is Hello, Mr.
Nakashori.
Ah, welcome, welcome.
You bring us a great honor to join with us, and we have many a naked woman and the fish of pleasure for you Charlie, what are you doing? What are you talking broken English for? I thought they could understand me better if I No, no, no.
Sit down.
Let's eat some sushi and we'll talk business later.
Enjoy yourself.
So A few interesting facts about our city.
Uh, there's been an abundance of crow eggs all around Philly.
Uh, and crows seem to be getting bigger.
By the year and the day, even.
And their eggs, of course, are getting bigger as well.
Perhaps our companies, with this information, could find a way to create some products off these new Charlie, Charlie Excuse us.
Charlie, come here, listen to me.
Look at me.
Yeah.
You're fired.
What? You're fired.
Why? Because you're not getting it.
It's not sinkin' in.
I don't get it? No.
Where did you get that awesome insider info from, about Brian LeFeve, huh? That was pretty big.
Well, that was good, Charlie.
That's good.
But you keep talking about products and quality and-and making things I'm sorry.
You're out.
Well, thanks for the insider info, Mac, but that did not work.
Frank canned me.
He did? Yeah! What a dick! You know Dennis wouldn't even listen to my business ideas? Are you serious? I'm brimming with all these great business ideas.
Oh, tell me about it.
I don't know what to do with it.
Oh, my God, I pitched so many good ideas or I tried to, at least.
And Frank shoots 'em down, 'cause he doesn't care about I wish we could go into business together, you know? That would be that would be good, it would make sense.
Yeah, well, I feel like you and I you and I understand each other.
We click, you know? I have to warn you, though, that it's all about the product for me.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
That's what I was saying to Frank the entire time.
That's what people care about, is the product.
It's all about the product, right? He only cares about money.
Money has nothing to do with it.
It's about a Oh You and I are on the same page.
I know, we're always clicking with And we have insane business savvy, and I feel like Excuse me.
I need to speak to the owners.
Yeah, that's us.
Yeah, yeah.
Does the name Brian LeFeve mean anything to you guys? Okay, LeFeve, enough.
We took you out the yacht, we took you to the zoo, we took you to that massage parlor and paid to have them jerk you both off.
The meeting's about to start.
We need to know, are you going to sell or not? Guys, we are almost there.
I promise you, we are so close.
Oh, okay! All right, I want to welcome all of you Atwater investors, and especially our controlling shareholder, Mr.
Brian LeFeve.
Thanks, Frank.
Oh.
Thank you.
All right.
I'm very excited about your passion for the company, so let's get right down to business.
Not so fast! There's something you all need to know about Atwater! Prepare to have your minds blown.
We got a video.
Boom! Huh? What up? Are you ready for the best idea ever? Do you have money? Do you want even more money? Well, guess what? We've got a great idea for you.
I no, I told you not to stay out of my peripheral through the whole two, one.
Fight Milk! The first alcoholic, dairy-based protein drink for bodyguards By bodyguard! I drink it every morning so I can fight like the crow.
Just get out of the way.
There we go.
It's all about the product shot.
Where do I stand? Don't do the whole I wanted for them to see the whole Fight Milk! Crow's egg! Milk! Made fresh.
By bodyguards.
And Charlie.
What up? Watch as profits soar high as a crow.
Watch your profits soar high as a crow.
Ow.
Sorry.
Wait, I thought we said I was gonna Profits Yeah, go with your right.
To the right hand.
Uh, anyway, who wants to invest? So what's this got to do with Atwater? Oh, nothing.
No, um, we just didn't want to lead with the Atwater news because we figured you wouldn't stick around to watch the video.
So what's the news? Oh! Yeah, right.
Well, that's not Brian LeFeve! This is Brian LeFeve.
Yeah.
Yeah, apparently he came to the bar to talk to Frank, and I didn't recognize him from his picture in his wallet, but I did recognize it when I saw that dead face in the morgue.
Yeah, I was like, I remember that dude, yeah.
Yeah.
He came to the bar, and I remember he had to take a piss.
Yeah, he was having a couple drinks and then But Charlie was in the bathroom cleaning it out.
I was working.
I'm like, "Dude, take it out to the alley.
" And then I guess he's out in the alley, he comes back in, he forgot his wallet.
Mac's like, "ID please.
" Yeah, he doesn't get in without an ID.
That's just the rule.
The guy's got no ID, so now he's roaming around the alleyway looking for his wallet.
Crackhead comes up to him, says, "Hey, man, give me your money.
" And the guy's like, "I can't, I got no money.
" And he's like, "Bullshit.
" He got stabbed a bunch around the abdomen and uh, kind of bled out and sort of died.
Why do you got his finger? Oh.
Well, the whole finger thing is This was a miscommunication.
This is a stupid thing, man.
This guy here He's like, "Dude, get a fingerprint.
" And I heard, "Get a fingertip.
" And I chopped his finger off really quick and then I'm like, "Is this what you want?" He starts screaming, you know.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
If Brian LeFeve is dead then who the hell are these people? Just a couple of people who totally got off, bro.
What? You did? Mm Are you serious? Mm-hmm, yeah.
Just during this? Big time, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation.
Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFeve? Whoo, that got me big time.
That did it? Oh, man, did I get off.
Yeah, and then he showed the finger.
- That was the big one.
- A dead finger got you off.
- That was the climax, really.
- I am so confused.
Oh, my God, it was amazing.
It was mostly sexual.
God damn you, okay? You know what? I could've gotten some cash out of these men.
I could've gotten a free pair of shoes, but no, you said, "Hang in there, I'll help you get off, I'll help you get off, Dee.
I'll show you how to do it.
" And then you leave me all on my own to try and just get off all by myself without even I did everything that I could.
I don't understand why you couldn't get off.
It's not my fault.
Some women just don't know how.
What?! I don't know what it is.
You know? Sometimes it's only the guy who gets off.
Well, look, I don't know what the hell's going on over there.
But I can tell you something, that there is something really, palpable, wonderful going on over here.
I love this company.
I love it more than life.
I built this company with these hands.
Built it from the ground up.
This is a comp Excuse me.
Hello? It's done? Oh.
Good.
Right.
All right, that's it.
It's over, you can all go.
The company's gone.
What are you talking about? I stripped the company, sold it to the Chinks, and they shut it down.
In a sense, you're all fired.
Out.
You can all go.
Thank you, and good-bye.
Get out, get out, go.
Frank, whoa, whoa.
I dude, I do not understand.
I thought you loved the company.
I do.
But not more than money.
And I just made a shitload of it.
You get it? Yeah.
See, Charlie? Speaking of which, tell me more about this Crowtein.