M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e07 Episode Script

Okay, Pierce, you've got You're kidding.
I haven't washed behind my ears yet.
You can do one today and one tomorrow.
You'd have tomorrow off if you were Vincent van Gogh.
- Huh? - Ten seconds.
Give me a break.
Even the water hasn't had time to get wet.
- Eight.
- This is ridiculous.
- Don't get yourself in a lather, Hawk.
You'll never get out.
- Five, four three, two, one.
- Finito.
- My turn.
- Look, I can't walk around all day foaming at the elbows.
- Oh, stop whining, Pierce.
Nobody likes being short of water.
We've all just gotta bite the bullet.
I don't mind biting the bullet.
I just need something to wash it down with.
- Colonel! - [ Screams .]
- News from ''I'' Corps about the water trucks we're expecting.
- Terrific.
What's the news? - They're not coming.
- They're not coming! Don't blame me.
Blame North Korea.
Enemy fire's got the road closed for at least a week.
- Oh, for cryin' out loud.
- That's all we need.
If you gentlemen will excuse me, I have one minute to remove the topsoil.
As you were, Hunnicutt.
Without those trucks rolling in we're gonna have to save every last drop of water for the patients.
- Colonel, don't say it.
- Until further notice, post this watering hole off limits.
- Aw, Colonel! - Aw, dry up.
Come on.
Out.
Out.
Colonel, what am I supposed to do? More importantly, as the man who sleeps next to him, what am I supposed to do? Put him in the bunk that's downwind.
Father Mulcahy.
Lieutenant Harris.
The girl is obviously looking for a father figure.
Why? There's nothin' wrong with the figure she has now.
- Uh-huh.
- That's the lateral corticospinal tract.
Very good.
Very good.
- Rubrospinal tract.
- Mm-hmm.
I hope you know how grateful I am that you're helping me.
You're the first person in the army that's been on my side.
Oh, I love it! I'm learning so much, I'm tempted to take that aptitude test myself.
Good idea.
You go to medical school, and I'll apply for the priesthood.
Considering your determination, you'd probably just make that.
You won't let me give up on myself, will you? Why, you bet I won't.
Why, with your talent and my connections in high places, we're an unbeatable team.
- I'm glad one of us is so confident.
- Are you kidding? I'm already saving up old magazines for your waiting room.
- [ Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
! Incoming wounded.
! - [ Helicopter Whirring .]
And it's S.
R.
O.
-- stitching room only.
- Oh, dear.
Time for on-the-job training.
- Yes.
[ B.
J.
.]
As soon as I'm finished here, I'm sending myself out with the laundry.
I don't think you'll like it.
They drag you down to the stream and beat you on a rock.
[ Potter.]
Wouldn't work anyhow.
That stream is drier than a Baptist picnic.
[ B.
J.
.]
We're taking an awful chance scrubbing with alcohol.
I don't want my fingers to wind up drunk, sleeping in some doorway.
- [ Margaret .]
No shortage of bad jokes here.
- [ Charles .]
Penrose.
- Excuse me, Doctor.
- What is it now, Harris? Well, I was wondering why you're using the half-inch Penrose drain.
Obviously to provide the necessary wound drainage.
But in that case wouldn't it be better if we used the one-inch Penrose? Lieutenant Harris, may I have the suture, please? There is an ancient and inviolable medical maxim-- Too many cooks spoil the vichyssoise.
But wouldn't the patient be more comfortable-- Lieutenant, let me say how fortunate I am that you are here to guide me.
My background is limited to four years Harvard Medical School five years surgical residency, and the attending staff at Boston General.
- Doctor, I only thought-- - While you, on the other hand are the obvious product of innumerable hours of extensive training as a pom-pom girl! Sounds like Nurse Doctor's at it again.
Doctor, I'm sure the lieutenant was just trying to help.
Fine! Then from now on let her wear her surgical mask inside her mouth.
Major, there's no need to get your dander up.
Harris, keep your comments to yourself.
- Yes, Major.
- And see me right after surgery.
Don't worry.
It's just that this water shortage has everyone a little on edge.
- Thank you, Father.
- You'll have to excuse Charles, Lieutenant.
He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
[ Mock Chuckle .]
Cot, please, Nurse Harris.
But, Major, all I did was ask him a few medical questions.
Dr.
Winchester happens to be a first-rate surgeon who knows the proper usage of a Penrose drain.
- I was only trying to help.
- Oh, it's more than just this one incident, Harris.
Since you transferred here, you seem determined to alienate people.
- Who have I alienated? - Practically everybody.
When I draw up the duty rosters, some of the nurses specifically request not to be assigned with you.
- But why? I do my job.
I work hard.
- I know that.
From what I can see, you're--you're too eager.
You're-- You're always interfering.
You're always correcting.
- Look, you've only got another six weeks here.
- Seven.
Sorry.
Harris, your skills as a nurse are as good as I've ever seen but you've got a lot to learn about getting along with your colleagues.
Oh, I've tried ''getting along,'' Major.
But ever since I decided to resign my commission and become a doctor other nurses treat me like I was some kind of traitor or something.
Don't talk to me, Major.
- Talk to them.
-Just a moment, Lieutenant.
I am running a nursing staff here and until you came along, I had it running at peak efficiency.
- Well, if it's not-- - What it comes down to is this-- You want to be a doctor, be a doctor.
Be a tightrope walker if you want to.
Just don't upset the routine of this camp.
I won't stand for it.
This is no Brownie troop, and I'm no den mother.
- But, Major, I-- - Dismissed, Lieutenant.
- I can't look, B.
J.
What is it? - Creamed peas - [ Groans .]
- creamed turnips - [ Groans Louder.]
- and creamed beets.
I am so glad I'm not looking.
Simmer down, boys.
Canned milk is all they have to cook with.
- What's that? - Soup.
Cream of wienie.
You creamed wienies? Isn't there a shred of human decency left in the world? If I see one more drop of canned milk I'm gonna go find a cow and make her discontented.
I was in the same ball of wax one time in World War II.
We were trapped in a small village in France.
No water in sight.
Only thing we had to cook with was wine.
- Men were running up for an extra plate of gravy.
- Gee, that was a war.
Right now some lucky patient is washing down his medicine with genuine water.
Why don't we go check into post-op under an assumed wound? Charles, I don't mean to offend you, but you smell wonderful.
- And you look suspiciously clean.
- [ Chuckles .]
You're holding out on us.
You've got water, you sneak.
Have you been washing your back behind our backs? Gentlemen, what are you suggesting? There's no water for miles.
Of course.
He's having himself dry-cleaned.
Why, I'm suffering from this drought as much as the next fellow.
Oh, by the way, anyone like my, uh, milk? I'm not thirsty.
?? [ Whistling .]
The lesser occipital.
Partially correct.
It's the greater occipital.
Oh, forget it.
Let's quit.
I can't concentrate.
I'm tired of studying.
I'm tired of fighting.
- I'm probably just wasting my time anyway.
- Wasting your time? If Madame Curie had been in this man's army she'd have never made it past Nurse Curie.
Now knock that off, Lieutenant.
You have a genuine talent for medicine.
A real gift.
And you'd be surprised at how many people don't.
My cousin Kevin, for example.
He withdrew from medical school after one month.
Just didn't have the stomach for what can be rather gruesome work.
- What did he do? - He became a mortician.
[ Laughs .]
Father, is that true? Of course not.
He's in roofing and siding.
- I just wanted to see you smile.
- Thanks.
You know, people react to you the way they do because you're different.
- They aren't quite sure how to treat you.
- You think that's it? Absolutely.
I have the same problem myself.
It's always ''Hello, Father,'' never just plain ''Hi.
'' Or ''Excuse the language, Father'' or ''Present company excepted, Father.
'' - Nobody ever calls me by my given name.
- What is your name? Let me see.
Oh, yes, of course.
Well, the whole thing is Francis John Patrick Mulcahy.
That's much too stuffy.
I likeJohnny.
That's funny.
My mother always called meJohnny.
She was a woman too.
[ Sighs .]
Well, I'll tell you this.
If I ever do make it to med school I'll have Mrs.
Mulcahy's son Johnny to thank for it.
Well, I'm just glad I was here to help.
Gail.
Well, let's see.
Where were we? Something about occipitals, I believe, huh? Well, I guess I care more than I thought.
Perhaps it would be best if you studied with one of the doctors.
- But we-- - Gail, I think you may be expecting more from me than I'm able to give.
I see.
I'm sorry, Father.
[ Sighs .]
- Hawkeye, have you got a minute? - Sure.
I can give you the one I was saving for my shower.
I'd like some advice on a personal matter.
Advice from me? Aren't we, uh-- Aren't we doing this backwards? No, no, we're not.
It involves an area where you're much better qualified than I.
- Oh, something medical.
- No.
No? Well, what else am I good at? Being a malcontent? Silliness? Booze? Father, have you been nipping at the sacramental wine again? No, no, it's-- it's much bigger than that.
How much bigger? Well, last night I, uh-- I had to give a girl the brush-off.
Would you mind repeating that again? I think the sun was in my ears.
It seems strange to me too.
Strange? I thought girls were on your permanently-given-up-for-Lent list.
Of course they are! - But there wasn't anything.
I mean, Gail and I-- - Gail? You-- As in Gail Harris? As in nurse of my dreams? It all happened quite innocently.
I was helping her study.
We became rather friendly.
However, last night I realized that she seems to look upon our relationship as much more than academic.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I mean, all any of us can offer her is a good time.
You can give her eternal life.
As soon as I realized what was going on, I put an end to our sessions.
But I'm afraid I hurt her quite badly.
She left in tears.
Now she's avoiding me.
Oh, I suspect I've handled this whole affair quite badly.
- Affair? - Let me put that another way.
I wish you would, Father.
You've already got two commandments on the critical list.
You're not making this any easier, Hawkeye.
Well, Father, it's no cinch for me either, you know.
Listen, Gail is planning to go to medical school.
I've been helping her study.
It's as simple as that.
At least I-- I thought it was.
Until I suddenly found myself on the receiving end of a rather ardent embrace.
- What? - She hugged the stuffing out of me! Hawkeye, this is no laughing matter! I'm sorry, Father.
I never thought of you as a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy.
Hawkeye, please! I find this most disquieting.
Ordinarily I provide the comfort rather than cause the pain.
All right, now look.
Now, Father, in the first place, don't be guilty.
I mean, I'm sure Gail must realize that she was making a play for a man who's already spoken for.
Perhaps.
But, well, we mustn't blame her either.
She turned to me for help and understanding.
And now she feels I've rejected her.
I'm worried that her medical studies will suffer.
- Oh, I see.
You want me to talk to her? - Hawkeye, I'd be most grateful.
It's gonna be kind of tough, Father.
I mean, the poor kid, on the rebound like that.
- Still carrying a torch, or, in this case, a candle.
- Hawkeye! Well, I don't blame her, Father.
I think you're as cute as the dickens.
[ Hawkeye .]
That's it.
That's it.
Good.
Fine.
I hear you're leaving the army to apply to med school.
- Huh? Oh, yes, sir.
- Great place, medical school.
I've always wanted to go there myself someday.
Catgut.
- Catgut, Doctor.
- Cat got your tongue? [ Chuckling .]
That joke always went over great back home at St.
Shapiro's Presbyterian Hospital and Christian Science Reading Room.
Well, Crabapple Cove's not a very big town.
Perfect for you, Pierce.
A little fish in a small pond.
Words to live by from the biggest fish of all-- Moby Dud.
This boy didn't just take a few shell fragments.
I think they threw a whole cannon at him.
Anybody got a free hand? [ Charles .]
Sorry, Colonel.
Ruptured spleen here.
Not me.
There's this grand opening I've got to attend.
- Pierce? - I'm always the last one picked.
- Can you close the peritoneum, Lieutenant? - Sure.
Glad to, Doctor.
- Pierce, tempus fugit.
- I'm coming, Colonel.
There's a fragment here.
I need help getting it.
You take the high road, and I'll take the low road.
- And I'll get the shrapnel before ya.
- [ Potter .]
You see anything? [ Hawkeye .]
Nothing but blood.
More suction.
Good work, Lieutenant.
Carry on.
Hi, there.
Remember me from the party? I was the one dressed as a doctor.
- Hello, Dr.
Pierce.
- Listen, you did a nice job in there.
- Thanks.
- By the way, if you need any help studying medicine I happen to be a very good teacher.
I don't take attendance, I encourage cheating and I tolerate no discipline in my classroom.
- Not right now, thanks.
- Come on.
I went to doctor school.
I've got an appendix hanging on my wall.
I know all about those icky things in people like the air things, the-- what do you call 'em-- lungs.
Doctor, why the sudden interest in helping me study? Well, you know, surgery loves company.
You never asked me before.
- You've been talking to Father Mulcahy, haven't you? - Well, uh-- He told you, didn't he? Isn't it enough I made a complete fool of myself? Does he have to tell the whole camp? He didn't tell the whole camp.
He told me.
He was just trying to help you.
How, by making me a laughingstock? I thought priests took vows of silence.
He told me because he was upset.
He's afraid that what happened is gonna slow down your studying for medical school.
Look, you're a surgeon, not a psychiatrist.
Now why don't you just leave me alone? Why doesn't everybody leave me alone? - Klinger! - Sir.
Keep on the horn with the other units in the area.
- There's gotta be some water in them there hills.
- Yes, sir.
If I stay on that phone any longer, I'm gonna get a cauliflower ear.
- Hello, Colonel.
- You wanted to see us, sir? - Not really, but it's the only way I can talk to you.
- What's this about, Colonel? Glad you asked.
I'm a very busy man, so I'll make this short and sweet.
Lieutenant Harris dropped by earlier.
Had a little surprise for me.
- A request for an immediate transfer.
- Oh, dear.
Naturally I assumed she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath.
But that wasn't the reason.
So I said, ''What is the reason?'' And she said, ''I made a damn fool of myself and the whole camp knows it.
'' So I said, ''Well, I don't know it.
'' And she said, ''I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you.
'' - What? - So I said, ''Why are you dropping this in my lap? You should be talking to your head nurse.
'' - And she said, ''The head nurse hates me.
'' - I do not hate her! So I said, ''Back up a bit.
What is it you did that's got everybody's tongue wagging except mine?'' She said, ''I had an unhappy love affair.
'' So I said, ''Was it one of my doctors?'' And she said, ''No, it was your priest.
'' Colonel, you must understand.
She's very upset.
That's what she said.
She was so upset she's giving up on med school.
I didn't even know she was going to med school.
- She mustn't give up.
- Now, look, folks.
This is none of my affair, so why don't we keep it that way.
The woman's only got a few weeks left in this man's army.
A transfer would be a waste of good red tape.
So here's what you're gonna do.
You stop talking about her.
You stop hating her.
And you stop dating her.
- [ All Chattering .]
- Love to stay and chat but I've got a water crisis waiting.
Dismissed! - This is ridiculous.
- Hmm? I'm taking my whiskers off and putting yours on.
Well, this way you can shave and get 5:00 shadow at the same time.
I'm sick and tired of saving water.
Beej, you gotta put something aside for a rainy day.
- Hello.
- Charles, pull up a razor and sit down.
Oh, thank you.
No, I'm sufficiently shaved.
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
You are sufficiently shaved.
Is your head going bald at both ends? Your hairs are washed too.
Even the dandruff is cleaned and pressed.
- All right, how did you do it? - Where there's a Winchester, there is a way.
Oh, excuse me.
It's time for my afternoon constitutional.
Gentlemen.
Me thinks I smell a wet rat.
You're right.
This towel is damp.
And it is not cream of terry cloth.
- Request for transfer denied.
- You're being very unfair, Major.
I'm being unfair? Why didn't you come to me with this? Imagine my surprise when Col.
Potter informed me I hate you.
Well, don't you? Doesn't everybody here? Oh, yes.
''Everybody hates me.
'' How convenient that is.
You've got an excuse not to have any friends, not to carry on with your studies.
- You're covered.
- I don't need to listen to this.
Then listen to this.
The duration of your military service will be spent right here in this unit.
And if you think I was tough on you before you're in for seven weeks of you ain't seen nothin' yet.
You so much as think of stepping out of line your butt is gonna be tattooed with my boots! I'm sure you'll be satisfied with my nursing.
Your nursing duties will only be a part of it.
The rest of your time will be spent under the supervision of Captain Pierce and myself in intensive study for your medical aptitude test.
- What? - I know how tough it is for a woman to become a doctor.
And the army is no help.
But with your background and talent, you've got a real chance.
And as long as I'm your superior officer, I'm not gonna let you back out.
- Any questions, Lieutenant? - [ Sighs .]
No questions, Major.
Dismissed.
?? [ Charles Humming ''Ride Of The Valkyries''.]
He's in there, Beej.
I knew Charles would lead us to water.
All we had to do was follow the drip.
- ?? [ Continues .]
- All right, Charles, drop those droplets.
- What is it? Who's there? - Water department.
- We're here to read your meter.
- We're living in a dry state! Why aren't you? You bilious busybodies.
You followed me.
And we caught you wet-handed.
Nothing here.
What did you do take lessons from the Arthur Murray School of Rain Dancing? - This isn't actually water.
- Of course not.
You have a pet lake.
Wait a minute.
This stuff tingles.
It's soda.
It is not.
It is imported Vichy water, sent by my mother.
My personal stock.
Oh, I get it.
Private club soda.
Members only.
This'll be good news for every stinkin' person in this camp.
- Let's use the P.
A.
system.
It'll save time.
- [ Laughs .]
Bellow to your heart's content, you grimy clods.
It's my last bottle.
[ Gasps .]
Wait.
Give me that! - What? - This is an outrage! Give me-- [ Women Whistling, Cheering .]
Come on out, Charles.
The water's fine.
Here's soap in your eye, Bubbles.
Excuse me.
I, uh, think I could squeeze you in at this table.
Oh, Gail, hello.
Thank you.
I always say grace even though there's not much on this tray to be thankful for.
Uh, could we talk for a minute? I promise, no hugging.
Oh, well, that's all water under the bridge.
Or more appropriately, canned milk.
- How are your studies going? - Fine.
My new tutor's good with the medical stuff, but he doesn't have your sense of humor.
Well, you know, some of us have it, and some don't.
- [ Chuckles .]
- Thanks, Father.
Call meJohn.
- Hi, there.
Got room for me? - Sure.
Hawkeye, please join us.
We were discussing Gail's work.
Is she doing well? Are you kidding? She's in a class by herself.
- Listen, why aren't you deep in study? - I was studying.
I just thought I'd take a few minutes off to prevent starving to death.
- I'm going right back to work.
- Lieutenant, you've worked very hard and done very well at Hawkeye's College of Medical Knowledge.
- Thank you, Professor.
- You're welcome.
And as a special reward you're invited to the first annual student-faculty mixer tonight at the dean's tent.
Well, I can't.
Really, I have a lot of studying to do.
The entire lymphatic system by tomorrow.
- Remember? - All right, but I'm warning you.
I'll live to regret this.
I'll see you later.
Bye, Father.
Father, I need some advice that only you can give.
Oh, a matter of religion? Well, no.
As a matter of fact I've got stuffing that's just aching to be hugged.
Well, some guys got it, and some guys don't.
You.
[ Klinger.]
Attention all MASH personnel.
It will please you to know that the water trucks have finally finished refilling the storage tanks.
In order to avoid congestion as company clerk, I have devised the following plan.
I will read a list of all names in alphabetical order.
You will proceed to the shower at five-minute intervals in an orderly fashion.
Abrams, 1 7:30 hours to 1 7:3 5.
[ All Shouting .]
Baker--