My Family (2000) s08e07 Episode Script

- Ben? - Shh.
- It's been a while, you know.
- Huh? It's been a while since we What, Susan? What? Talked? Oh, yes, I suppose you're reading an article - about marriage and communication? - No Yes, Susan, the thing is, darling, that marriage has its ups and downs, you know, and there are gonna be times in every marriage when we don't talk as much.
(He sniffs) What we don't need is your female instinctive panic about it.
OK? It's not about talking, Ben.
It's four weeks since we made love.
- What? - Shh.
Everyone's asleep.
Do you think you could curb your instinctive male panic? - It has not been that long! - Yes, stud, it has.
No, it has not! Hey! Aha! There was that time when Er no, that was a dream, and, er and it wasn't you, but never mind, the thing is Clearly we've lost some of the spice in our marriage.
We're not as intimate as we used to be, and when we are, it's become predictable.
How dare you? Listen, you! Hey! I bring things into bed with us.
The TV remote doesn't count.
This article suggests that in order to spice up our love life we should abstain from sex for a certain amount of time.
How about five minutes so I can brush my teeth and have a gargle, OK? It suggests three weeks.
Three? We've done four.
We're a week ahead.
Brace yourself.
No, no, no, no, three weeks starting now.
No intimacy.
No kissing and no touching.
Total abstinence.
Trust me.
In three weeks' time, we'll both be ready.
- But I'm ready now! - You see? It's working already.
- You want what you can't have.
- I can, you're right there.
Ah-ah-ah! See you in three weeks.
All right, fine.
OK.
I can go along with your little experiment.
Just stop reading stupid magazines.
(Rusting and sighing) - Mum? - Mm? I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this.
What was that awful moaning coming from your bedroom last night? It was your father, and it wasn't what you think.
What? Not allowed to touch him either? Here's my tuition fees.
Pay it and I keep quiet about the abuse.
This was on the table.
It's a note from Abi.
Your names are spelt out in little hearts, with those little hearts made out of even tinier little hearts.
Oh.
What are you looking at? Wondering what it would be like to be raised in a normal family.
We are a normal family, Michael.
Help me! My life is over! Ben! Susan! Abi didn't come home last night! My world is crashing down around me! Technically he's not family.
Something's happened! My baby! Roger, relax.
I'm sure there's a perfectly normal explanation.
- It's Abi.
- Or not.
She left a note on the little chalkboard the little pig holds by the oven.
Oh! What? We have this little ceramic pig in a baker's hat that holds the chalkboard.
- He's pink and has a rakish moustache.
- Roger.
- I could go home and bring him - Roger.
Anyway, all she wrote was, "Love you.
Goodbye.
" (Susan) Roger, get a hold of yourself.
You're not gonna help the situation with panic.
I'm sure she's fine.
She's probably stuck somewhere.
She'll be back today sometime, I'm sure.
Roger, just go to work and try not to worry.
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
Oh, please, Ben! I need your help.
I'm going crazy.
I'm not allowed to touch anyone.
(Sniffing) I can smell her bath products.
I swear, I can smell her.
Abi? She's here! D'you mind telling me what the hell is going on? - You'd better sit down for this one.
- Right, I'll sit down.
"Dear Ben and Susan, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, "and it's come to my attention that I've been called by the Lord "to do His work.
"Yes, the Lord.
The big guy.
" Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's the one she's referring to.
"This is gonna be hard for you to understand, "but I've been called to a a greater good, "and I'm leaving my life behind, "and I've decided to become a nun.
" - What? - A nun.
Why wouldn't she tell Roger? "I bet you're asking why wouldn't I tell Roger.
"Well, I couldn't find the words to tell him, "so would you mind telling him for me?" You've got to be kidding.
- Poor Roger.
- Oh, poor Roger.
Can I be the one to tell him? Roger! - Ben.
- What? Sorry.
- He's going to be heartbroken.
- Mm.
- This might push him over the edge.
- Oh, I bet you're right.
Er Roger! Ben, stop it.
This has to be handled very delicately.
You shouldn't give him the news.
- Why? - You'll smile while you're doing it.
- I won't.
I won't smile, I promise.
- You're smiling now.
I'm not.
This is not this is not smiling.
Promise you won't tell him till I can figure out the best way to handle this.
All right, OK, fine.
You've taken one treat away from me.
You might as well take this one too.
(Doorbell) - Ron.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to apologise for last night.
I really didn't want to leave but Thank you.
No worries.
Do I get to see you tonight? - (Phone rings) - Er yeah, yeah.
I I want to, but let's just see how today goes, if that's OK.
I really would like to hear from you.
It would be nice to spend an entire evening with you.
- (Rings) - Er I'll call you later, OK? - Bye.
- Bye.
(Both) Married.
Why do I do this? I'm not going down this road.
- Again.
- I wonder who she is.
I hope she's as creative as the last one.
It's fun to see the word "bitch" burning on the front lawn.
Listen, is there any way you can look up this guy and find out what his deal is? You have a different guy every week.
What does it matter? No, Michael, this is different, OK? I'm really close to him.
We have a genuine connection.
Fine.
Give me his name and I'll see what I can dig up.
(Clears throat) Ron.
Ron what? - (Background music) - I don't get this.
You are going to tell Roger here? I know Roger.
He's less likely to react if he's around strangers.
No, I know Roger, and he'll go nuts.
Have a little faith, Ben.
The worst we'll see is a little crying.
- 50 quid says you're wrong.
- Done.
- Shake on it.
- Ah-ah-ah! You're very good.
- You almost had me.
No touching.
- Oh.
Damn.
(Growls) You look so good tonight.
Stop it.
(Growls) You smell good too.
- You're like a dog.
- (Growls) No "like" about it.
- You need a cold shower.
- Hey, can we have one together? Never mind.
Is Abi here? (Gasps) Is this a surprise party? - Um you could say that.
- No, Roger.
Then what's going on? It is Abi, isn't it? She's left me for another man.
In in a manner of speaking, yes.
If I find out who it is, I will smash his face in.
Well, good luck with that.
Susan, do you know something? Actually, we do.
Um how do I say this? Roger, has Abi ever seen The Sound Of Music? - Or any Ingrid Bergman films? - Ben.
Would someone please tell me what's going on? Roger, did Abi ever mention anything about being religious? She has a strong faith.
But when I say religious, I mean really really really religious.
She has been going to this church up the road, sometimes twice a day.
Well, that may have something to do with this whole thing.
It seems that Abi has been reevaluating her life lately, and, well, the church may have something to do with it.
Oh, my God.
I should have seen this coming.
She's dating a priest! - No, Roger.
- But you're getting warmer.
- Please, Susan! - She's gone to - The zoo? - No.
- Wales? - No, she's left you to become - A zookeeper? - I said no to the zoo! - She's left you to become a nun.
- A nun? A nun.
Yes.
Rog, she, um has gone into a convent, it seems, and, um she's not coming back.
- Roger - (Sobs) (Roger sobs) (Sobs and roars) Aah! Aah! No more cheesecake! Aaah! Ohhh! (Roger screaming) I have some information about the boyfriend.
- Oh, Michael, you're a genius.
- He's got the time, trust me.
Turns out your Ron does in fact have another woman in his life.
- Her name's Elizabeth.
- What a pig.
- How long have they been together? - Together for Hm, let's see.
Your Ron's 29 so, doing the maths, 29 years.
(Whispers) 29 - What does that mean? - It's his mother.
That would explain his suspicious behaviour.
That's great.
He's not married, just close to his mother.
In this day and age, it's not a big deal.
Plenty of men live with their mother until later in life and they turn out completely normal.
(Roger wailing) Just calm down.
They sedated him at the police station.
So he took the news well.
- Lay down.
- Down you come, Rog.
Good lad.
There we go.
I'm glad everyone's here.
Roger needs our help right now.
We're going to have to watch him for the next few days.
Look at him.
He's a wreck.
Wreck? He's pathetic.
This has got to be the lowest he's ever been.
If he was a dog, you'd shoot him.
I can still kind of hear you.
- So who's taking the first shift? - What? Shift? - Well, let's not all answer at once.
- I'll do it.
- (Phone) - Maybe I have put my family second.
- Hello? - But sometimes you've got to step up.
- It's your boyfriend.
- You guys have this covered, right? Fine, I'll do it.
If I ever got this low, I'd want someone to watch me.
Ah, hello? You have, and we have.
A few years back you got a B in algebra.
You were pretty close to the edge.
Oh, God.
I blocked that out.
Yes, I know we're doing this whole "Roger wallowing in despair" thing but I can't do tonight.
Just told Ron I knew about him living with his mum and it's all sorted.
Oh! You are so selfish! Everything's always got to be about Janey.
(High-pitched) Oh, my name's Janey and I've got a new boyfriend! Yeah, like anybody here gives a flying It's all right, darling, it's the medication talking.
But he's got a point.
- (Yawns and growls) - Ben.
- (Snorts) - Ben.
- Ah, hm.
- I need to talk.
(Snoring) - Ben, this is important.
- (Snores) - Wake up.
- (Snores) It's about the article.
- The agreement we made.
- (Snoring) - I want to break it.
- OK.
- It's a silly agreement anyway.
- That's what I've been saying.
- Come on! Come on, what time is it? - Five in the morning.
- That's my favourite time.
Let's go.
- Wait, wait, wait! Are we being weak? I'm weak all the time.
It's no big deal.
We were doing so well.
Yes, look, what are they gonna do? Throw us into sex jail? (Growls) Sex sex jail! - You don't think we'd be failing? - No, no, we'd be winning.
We'd be champions of our own destiny, masters of our own fate.
- Get those pyjamas off.
- Way ahead of you.
- How did you do that? - I may be weak but I'm very quick.
- Ben! - Roger! - Who's on Roger watch? - (Michael) Sorry! I need your help.
I have to go and see Abi and I'm in no state to drive.
- We can't do anything now.
- Yes, we can, if he'd just go away.
Go away, Roger, shoo, go on.
- Please, I have to see her.
- The convent is hours away.
- Please, I'm begging you.
- Oh, God, Roger, go Oh, this is really a nightmare.
Abi is the love of my life, and I know that if I'm just able to talk to her, she'll come to her senses.
- Please, Ben? - Oh Go with me.
Go on, go on, wait in the car.
Give me a few minutes, OK? (Whispers) (Whispers) Hi.
Can I ask what you're doing here? - We - I'm here to see my wife.
Yeah, and I bet you don't hear that too often.
Or maybe you do.
- Her name is Abi Bailey - Shh.
Roger.
and I demand to see her! - Shh, shh.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
She's asked for some time to be in seclusion, to pray about the direction her life is taking.
Well Sister, that's not going to cut it.
I'm not going anywhere! And I'm his friend and I'm gonna stay by his side.
- I'm going to call the police.
- We're off.
Come on.
- The door is over there.
- The door's over there.
Let's go.
- Sorry to bother you, sorry.
So long.
- Farewell.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Goodbye.
(Bell tolls) - Roger.
- I wanted to see Abi.
- I need your genius right now.
- Roger.
- There's no Genius? - Yes, genius.
You always know the solution in these situations.
Genius! You and your brilliance are all I have left.
Now, please! Roger, this is not something I can just turn on.
It's not easy.
You don't just click your fingers and it happens.
- You need a flash of, you know - Genius.
- Genius, yeah.
- Make it happen now.
You can do it.
OK, OK.
I may have one idea.
(Sighs) I love you.
OK.
(Door creaks) All right? (Mouths) - Which one's Abi? - I don't know, Roger.
They all look alike from the back.
- I've got to see her, Ben.
- Yes.
Maybe they've got her locked up someplace.
I'm not sure that's how things work in a convent.
- Ben, that's her! - Shh.
Wh Look, wait, we have to get her on her own.
Right.
We wait until they've finished praying.
- Right.
- Right, right.
- Hi.
Come on in.
- Hey.
Wow.
- Mwah! - Mwah! - (Movie soundtrack plays) - This is my brother Michael.
And this is just some Welsh bloke who lives here.
- I'll fix us some drinks, OK? - Yeah.
- Hey.
- (Both) Hey.
- So you still live with your mother? - Yeah, for now, to save money.
No explanation needed.
Michael still lives with his mother and I'm not even sure it's for financial reasons.
He's just very attached.
Alfie, can I have a word with you in the kitchen? Listen, I'm sorry, OK? I panicked, I ran out of small talk.
I don't think you're too attached to your mother.
I have to go out for a while.
Be good.
Mm! Little choochie-face.
What? I'm not saying a word.
Abi! Abi! Roger! Ben! - What are you doing here? - I had to see you.
Uh-oh.
Abi, what is going on? I'm sorry I had to leave the way I did, Rog, but I had a vision.
You've had a vision before, remember? The leprechaun dancing on the mantelpiece.
Yeah, but this is different.
This is something that I've always felt.
It's been in my soul since I was a little girl.
Rog, this can't have been a shock to you.
I've been talking about it for a year.
- Did you not hear me? - I suppose.
I've been called on by the Lord God Almighty to a higher calling.
I want to give my life, my very soul, to the service of humanity.
I want to read to the blind.
I want to feed the hungry.
I want to help the poor and I want to tend to the sick children.
You selfish cow.
I'm really glad we had that talk.
I feel so much closer.
Mm, me too.
And I think it's a good thing you and your mother are close.
You've no idea how good that makes me feel.
- (Phone) - Oh.
Oh.
Mum.
She's out of town a few nights.
She's probably just checking in.
- Well, not tonight, Mum.
- (Beeps off) - I'm on a date.
- Yes, you are.
You know, I have to say, I really am very attracted to you, Janey.
And I'm attracted to you.
(Sighs) And why don't we get more comfortable? I think that's a great idea.
Wow.
This feels good.
Yeah.
You know, maybe we don't have to even go out.
Maybe we could just stay in.
Would you make me a toasted cheese sandwich? They're my favourite.
And and would you cut the crusts off? And and I like them cut in triangles.
Hey, listen, I've got an idea.
Why don't we go to the pub for a quick drink before the film? - Er sure.
- Yeah? Anything but this.
- (Sighs) Father.
- Er - May I make my confession? - Er, no, I Yeah, sure, fire away.
We're married, Abi.
You can't just leave.
You made a commitment to me.
That is true.
This this is just a phase.
And these outfits, they're very uncomfortable.
Abi.
Let's go home.
You've gone and confused me now.
Please.
Let's go.
- And yesterday, Father - No, please stop.
Just stop.
No more.
I can't take this any more.
Just just go in peace, my child.
And what's my penance, Father? Climb every mountain.
- And have a nice day.
- Have a nice day, that's it? Yeah, and three Bloody Marys for your sins.
You mean Hail Marys.
That's what I said.
(She sobs) - Oh! - (Both laughing) - The pub, good idea.
- Oh Coming back to my place, good idea.
- Mummy's out of town.
Good idea.
- Mm.
Listen, I just want to freshen up a bit, OK? I'll be right back.
(She giggles) OK.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! (Sighs) Hell, no.
(Ron) Quite small, huh? This isn't going to work.
- We can go downstairs.
- No, I mean us.
Can't do it.
I have to go.
Or we could just switch off the light.
Come on, we can talk about this at home.
Please.
This is really starting to ride up.
- Susan.
- Abi.
Have you seen Roger? - Roger.
- Susan.
- Have you joined too? - No, no, we had to sneak in because Hide, hide! Er Habde annuis avami.
Have you anything to confess, my child? - I wouldn't know where to start.
- Oh, really? - Ben! - Susan.
(Knocking) Let's get out of here.
Abi's coming with us.
- Abi, is this true? - Well, Roger Yes, yes, yes, she's sure.
This was all just one big mix-up.
Can we get the heck out of here? - Why did you leave in the first place? - I wanted to Heal the world, save humanity, blah, blah, blah.
- Do you want to come home or stay? - Well, I Because it does seem like you decided rather quickly.
Quickly? I've been talking about it for ages.
I told you and Ben all about it.
- Doesn't anybody listen to me? - Look, are you coming or staying? - I've got a car on a meter out there.
- Ben.
Abi.
I'm sorry, Roger.
My life is here.
(Gasping) No.
No, it's not.
Your your life is with me.
Roger, I know this is difficult, but the simple hard truth is that if you love her, really love her, in a completely unselfish way, you're going to have to let her go.
Roger, love me enough to let me be me.
(Sniffs) Abi.
Bye, Susan.
Bye, Ben.
(He sniffs) Love you.
There goes my angel.
(Clunk) And still Abi.
Come on.
Come on, Sister.
Let's get you home.
If you don't mind, I'd I'd just like a moment's peace.
(Sighs) I do feel bad for him.
Mm-hm, yeah, me too.
Me too.
Hey, guess what.
- What? - We've broken our agreement.
- We're touching.
- So we are.
(He chuckles) I mean, we could Cos he could be there for hours.
- I've seen those nuns praying.
- No.
- Look at you.
- Oh, come on.
Come on, we could just - That would be naughty.
- Yeah.
- (Bell tolls) - Let's wait till we get home.
Sure, OK.
Right.
- (Clears throat) - Keep the outfit.