Portlandia (2011) s08e07 Episode Script
Most Pro City
1 I am so glad to finally be here, you guys.
Thank you for having me in.
And, uh, how how was Denver? Denver's great.
Uh, I saw a Rockies game.
- That's always fun.
- You know, I love what they've done with that stadium.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just really revamped that whole area.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
And they've got some great restaurants.
I mean, that place is really [MUFFLED CHATTER.]
Michael.
- You've been to Denver, right? - I was there for two hours.
And I thought I was going to be really cute, and I got myself a Denver omelet [SOLEMN ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
But that's an opportunity for us.
That's what I was saying earlier about the residential component - Mm-hmm.
- Of the overall model would allow for growth there which again [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Something I wanted to bring up was just [MUFFLED CHATTER.]
[SOMBER STRING MUSIC.]
Uh, too prodigious of a water feature in terms of the, uh, aeration [MUFFLED.]
of the golf course.
You know, I think I think it's going to be great.
Guys, all we need is NGF approval.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
I'm not worried about them at all.
- Yeah.
- You know, I know those guys and, uh [MUFFLED CHATTER.]
- Footprint of this, you know.
- Right.
[MUFFLED CHATTER.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I was happy even before I saw it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I was oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES.]
I go, "You know what?" I approve but I don't want the color changed, "and I want this whole thing yellow.
" [TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- Yeah, right? Remember how much you laughed? - Yeah.
- When I said "yellow.
" [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
There aren't a lot of these properties going up as it is.
The grassless driving range cuts 20% off our water usage.
The first thing I said was I approve.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm happy.
- Remember this, Erin? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I really need you to you know, look at this to make sure it's right.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Yeah, well, somehow I think it's more cost effective.
Mm-hmm.
You know, for the whole group.
I was worried about [INTENSE MUSIC BUILD-UP.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Uh, hey, buddy.
No phones.
We have a no phone policy at the meetings, buddy.
[DREAMY CHILLWAVE MUSIC.]
[CALMING MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mr.
Mayor, is everything okay? You, uh you said it was urgent.
It's very urgent.
Uh.
Sorry.
My crystal reading skills are just a little rusty.
Oh, what? You mean my earwax sculptures? No.
That's not it.
[THUD, WHIP.]
It's this.
Do you see this? It's common knowledge.
Portland is very white.
Yes, but "least diverse"? Least? I don't want to be the least at anything.
You know, I actually think that's a great idea.
I think it's a good time to do some soul searching, to ask ourselves those tough questions.
Tough, well, the only tough questions I want to ask is why that journalist is printing these lies.
I have many people of color working here at City Hall, many people of color.
- That's great.
- Yes.
Sam, get in here.
- Yes, sir.
- Sam.
- Are you white? - I am.
[SIGHS.]
Damn it.
- But you're gay, right? - Yes.
A rainbow isn't white.
Um, Jessie, Phil, Susan, Chuck.
Darn it.
- All white.
- Still white.
[SIGHS.]
It's just not right.
Darn it.
Wait, wait! Who are you? - Um, I'm Mike.
- Mike! What is your position here at City Hall? Oh, I'm I'm just visiting.
I could never live in this city.
- This city is too w - Don't say it.
- W - White? - Wet.
- Wet? - White? - What? - Wait.
- Wait, no.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Thank you.
We'll work on making the city less wet.
[SIGHS.]
This is awful.
Mr.
Mayor, you know that I'm not white.
- You're not white? - Mm-mm.
You know, I always suspected.
I just thought you were maybe sick or had that thing that Vin Diesel has.
No, no.
My dad's Korean, and my mom is from Venezuela.
How is that possible? Those countries are very far apart.
Isn't that crazy? How do you know all this? I took one of those home DNA tests.
They're great.
They tell you where you're from like down to a percentage.
- Really? - Hardly anybody is 100% European.
Hardly anyone is 100% European.
- Well, this could be great.
- What could? Well, we just need to test the entire city of Portland.
[MARTIAL MUSIC.]
Oh! Right.
Sam? Sam? Yes, Sam.
We need to have DNA testing on all the citizens of Portland.
- Would you get on that? - Uh, that sounds - slightly unconstit - Thank you! That's fantastic! We are gonna prove to that journalist that we are actually very diverse.
This is kind of exciting.
I might be, uh, a little Norwegian.
Oh, I don't think so, Carrie.
I have an eye for Scandinavian women, and they're much taller than you.
And also blonder.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Tiger Stadium? That is not the oldest in the country.
That's bullshit.
It was rebuilt in the '40s.
No one remembers that or writes it down, but yeah.
So, you guys got to get some salmon burgers.
Go get a salmon burger.
I made a bunch of them.
Hey.
What's up, buddy? Are you enjoying the party? Yeah, this is a cool party.
You have a great pad here.
Ah, you're nice.
Thank you very much.
Hey.
So, um It's crazy what's going on in Venezuela right now.
Hard hard to believe.
I don't think it's hard to believe.
I think it's easy to believe.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Right? Chávez put Maduro in power exactly for this reason.
Right? Because there's all this chaos that brings dependency.
It's the kind of chaos that they like.
That's our monster.
We created like uh, uh, Frankenstein.
What's Venezuela's main export? - Um.
Na - Oil.
So what's America's investment? - Money.
- No, oil companies.
Ah, we're standing here with our dicks in our hand.
We're shitting bombs out of our asses.
Guess what's gonna blow up? Our own assholes.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
Damn.
I didn't even know all that.
Yeah, but you know what? - It's pretty crazy.
- But it's all out there.
Man, it's crazy what's going on in Venezuela.
What's going on? What was it, 1979? We put those guys there.
Hmm? We sell them oil.
Doesn't Venezuela produce oil? A billion $1 billion Um [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
I was at your party the other day.
We talked about politics and Venezuela.
I remember you, yes.
Hi.
Yeah.
I just embarrassed myself at work.
And you seem so knowledgeable about politics and the world.
How do you do it? It's so easy.
It's a trick.
I just memorize a few things about one little subject and just focus on those.
Say, for me, it's a country, right? So I pick Venezuela.
What you do is you just remember a leader from there, uh, a year that they were in office.
Well, what if I would have brought up a different subject? You steer the conversation back to that subject.
- Huh.
- So, okay.
Pick out any subject matter.
Go ahead.
You start talking about it.
What about like Ancient Greece? No, like in Venezuela? With Maduro and Chávez? They put them there.
It's a vacuum.
Bush.
Let's do it for you.
There you go.
Southeast Asia.
So just pick out one.
- Cambodia.
- Ah, this is great.
No one's gonna challenge you on this.
So, look at that page.
Find a sentence that has, uh, a number in it.
Cambodia, independence in 1953.
- Memorize that.
- Prime Minister Hun Sen.
Yes, perfect.
So, Hun Sen.
- Remember that name.
- That's it? And you want to throw in some curses.
You know, you want to be a little rock and roll.
Just a little pepper it in a little, you know, - "We're holding our dicks.
" - Mm-Kay.
- All right? - Holding our dicks.
You know what's a good one? [BLEEP.]
ers.
Those [BLEEP.]
ers think that they can get away with that? And right away you got passion in there.
That's it.
That's all you need.
And who put the Khmer Rouge into power? We did.
President Carter was college roommates with Hun Sen, and they got their independence in, what was that? 1953? But they had a puppet in power.
A puppet.
1953.
All right.
[APPLAUSE.]
[JOYOUS MUSIC.]
I'm starving.
Me too, Tiff.
It's been like five days, right? Five days and they still haven't met our demands.
[SIGHS.]
It's a struggle to breathe.
That's how hungry I am.
[DOWN-TEMPO GUITAR CHORDS.]
Is there anything that's like eating, but you're not really eating? If I got, like, lemon seeds and just sort of, like, - sucked on them? - That's kind of horrible.
They haven't met our demands, and we are going nowhere! We'll be right here.
How about a hunger strike cheat day? - [GASPS.]
- It's just really quick.
We get some sesame seeds.
You know, suck on them for a little while.
Put some stuff in our mouths.
And come right back.
All right, one Caesar salad.
Would we like anything else today? No, this is all that we want.
We're barely gonna eat this at all.
- Okay.
- All right? And we're gonna ignore the croutons.
I'm just gonna take a little bit of this lettuce and just for the green, so that I can stay alive, I'm just gonna, like Just put it behind my teeth.
And your complimentary quesadilla.
No, no, no, no.
We did not order this.
We are just sticking with the salad.
They they come together.
All right, thanks.
What do we do? Well They made okay.
We're not gonna eat I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to breathe in some of the dust from the tortilla.
Just Pah-peh-peh.
Pah-peh-pah.
Pah-peh-bah-Ba.
[INHALES LOUDLY.]
Don't eat it.
Whatever you do.
[DARK TENSE MUSIC.]
Pah-peh-pah.
[INHALING LOUDLY.]
They haven't met our demands! [ECHOING.]
And we are going nowhere! [LAUGHTER.]
There's cheese in the eggroll.
Put that right over there.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Meatballs.
Can I have a couple more, please? One, two, one, two.
[CHEWING LOUDLY.]
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, Josh, what do you think? [TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
These dunkers are good.
ALL: Yeah! [LAUGHTER.]
These dunkers [CHEWS LOUDLY.]
These dunkers are good.
Good.
Good.
- Good.
Good.
ALL: Yeah! These dunkers Du Du Du These dunkers good These good.
Good.
These good.
Good.
- ALL: Yeah! - Du Du dunkers are good.
Du Du dunk dunkers are good.
[BELL RINGS.]
We will not relent! Change can't happen if no one's paying attention.
[BURPS.]
Good.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Welcome, everyone.
Welcome to Portland's Potluck of People, a night where we celebrate the diversity that is our great city of Portland.
You know, before DNA testing, we were 75% white.
Now there is scarcely a white person in the entire city of Portland.
We are more diverse than New York City or even Detroit.
[APPLAUSE.]
Huh.
Now, to show our journalist friend just how this works, I'm gonna have Fred read the latest results of our DNA testing.
Fred.
Great.
Thank you so much.
Uh, all right, is Judd here? Why don't you come on up? All right, Judd's genetic breakdown is 98% Northern European, 1% Broadly European, - 0.
5% Ashkenazi Jew.
- Hm.
0.
25% African, 0.
25% other.
0.
25% African.
I'm black.
Yes.
- Hey, congratulations, Judd.
- Congratulations.
[APPLAUSE.]
Well, we lost another white person, but the melting pot continues to grow.
Well, Anna, as you can see, Portland is much more diverse than how you characterized us in your article.
- What? - Yeah.
Well, look, there's Tim.
Hey, Tim.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean when are you going to see something like that? Coachella.
My favorite festival.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Hey.
- Nice hat.
- Thank you.
I mean, obviously I wouldn't have worn this a week ago.
That would have been offensive, but, you know, I just wanted to acknowledge my heritage.
- I can see that.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, Carrie can teach you how to use chopsticks.
I know how to use chopsticks.
Ah, but have you learned from an actual Japanese person? And Chico, our token white guy.
And I've got a little Scottish in me as well.
- Oh, I love Scotland.
- Oh, I tell you what.
What you need to do is take a trip to Scotland.
Learn how to play golf.
- That's all there is to it.
- All right.
Sounds perfect.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fred, why don't you tell Anna about the play you're working on? Yes! Oh, this is great.
It's called "Purple Roots.
" And it's, uh, part "Color Purple" part "Roots.
" It's about a black hair salon - in the Depression-era South.
- Yeah.
- All black cast.
- Mm.
[STAMMERING.]
- I know.
- Yeah, incredible.
How about you, Mr.
Mayor? Did you find that you had a little, uh, Fonz in your DNA? You know, it turns out I'm a 110% Puerto Rican.
How is that possible? Anna, ask me in Spanish.
Cómo es eso posible? Ayyy.
I can't decide if we should do the seven course or the 12 course prix fixe.
Mm, I think 12 course.
It's a special night.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Mmm.
Mmm! - Mmm.
- BOTH: Mmm.
- Steak tartare.
- That's raw.
- [GASPS.]
Raw like you.
- Mmm.
- Whoa.
- Oh, my.
I'm gonna finish this whole thing.
Oh, I can taste young onions.
- I like your young onions.
- I like your cream.
Mmm.
[BOTH EXHALE.]
This is the mushroom stroganoff.
I'd like you to "strog" my "noff.
" Well, I'm going to.
Mmm.
BOTH: Mmm.
[GAGS.]
Oh, more pasta.
- So much meat.
- It's a zoo in here.
- I want to visit that zoo.
- Get in my cage.
[TIGER ROAR.]
[SLURPING.]
[CRACKING.]
[SLURPING.]
[BOTH GULPING.]
Mmm.
Mmm.
- [BURPS.]
- [HICCUPS.]
Oh, thank you.
- All right, let's go home.
- The night is still young.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Oh, I love you.
- I love you.
BOTH: Mmm, mmm.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
Did you want to be on top? No, I want you to be on top.
No, can we be let's both be on the bottom.
All right, I'll be on the bottom too.
How do we do it? I think what I need is to take my stomach - and rest it on the bed.
- Okay.
[STOMACH RUMBLING.]
Sorry.
Ooh, sloshing.
- There you go.
- [BURPS, EXHALES.]
- Um.
Um.
- I'm having trouble.
- It's the squash.
- Yeah.
I'm trying to rest my belly on your back.
The squash was too creamy, I think.
This is oh, yeah, I'm settling in.
Yeah, there you go.
Hun [BURPS.]
I have to go.
I have to throw up.
Okay, hold on.
[SLOSHING, POP.]
[GROANS.]
All right, I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
Okay, okay.
Don't take too long, all right? - I won't, I won't.
- 'Cause I have to use the bathroom too.
Don't come back yet.
I'm gonna fart real quick.
- [FARTS.]
- [RETCHING.]
[SPLASHING.]
[CONTINUES RETCHING.]
[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
Honey.
[KNOCKING.]
Don't take too long, okay? I have to go to the bathroom too.
And as soon as I'm done, I'm gonna come out here and finish making love to you.
Yeah, um, I, uh, I need another minute.
- Okay? - Oh.
[FARTING.]
It's okay.
Please don't touch me.
[FARTS.]
It sounds like there's nothing left.
It's all air.
[FARTING.]
Is that you or me? - It's me.
- Wait, here's me.
[SQUEAKY FART.]
That's the shrimp.
[SPLASHING.]
I love you so much.
I love you too.
[LOUDLY BURPS.]
[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- BOTH: Ow.
Ow.
- [FARTS.]
- Ouch.
- [EXHALES.]
[EXHALES, BURPS.]
[ROOSTER CROWING.]
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Guess what I'm thinking.
- Breakfast? - I'm starving.
[BLISSFUL MUSIC.]
[FARTS.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
[ORCHESTRATION MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[DISTRESSING MUSIC.]
Check this out.
It's a pulled quote from the article.
It's a what? - From the article.
- Oh, wait, the article.
- I want to see it.
- The journalist sent over a preview of what's gonna be printed today, but, um, we need to come up with a response - at some point in time.
- Fine, I just want - to see the article.
- Yeah.
- Well, it's, um - No, no, let's see it.
- Let's see it.
- Oh, you got it right there.
- Okay, I'd love to see it.
- Yeah.
Wait.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Mr.
Mayor.
- No.
- No, it's okay.
We're the most something city.
Are you legally allowed to do that? You know, with the bumper stickers and the shirt - and everything? - Oh, well, it's a direct quote from the from the title.
This a gross mischaracterization of what she's saying.
But I needed to shorten it so that it would - fit on a bumper sticker.
- Wait a minute.
So you saw the preview of the article and then you had bumper stickers and shirts made? - Yes.
- How many bumper stickers? Well, we have these five.
- And? - And 5,000 more.
Well, how recently did you see this? We go we move quickly.
We should sue that testing company.
They didn't say we weren't allowed - to celebrate the results.
- No.
We just have to come up with a response to this - to counter these allegations.
- We need a distraction.
There's gonna be think pieces about this.
We need a new "new story" to make everyone forget about this one.
- Animals.
- Animals are good.
- Animals are good.
- A pregnant panda.
- People love pregnant pandas.
- Or like a bear who goes swimming in someone's swimming pool.
He came down from the mountain, we found him in our swimming pool - Let's call some zoos.
- Call zoos.
- Let's call zoos.
- Mm-Kay.
- Hello, zoo.
- Hi, Portland Zoo.
Do you have any, uh, hippos that are friends with chimpanzees? No.
They had a falling out.
How are you, Oregon Zoo? Do you have, uh, any snakes who know sign language? Hi, are there any reports of alligators who are interested in marrying, uh, a human? Oh, the mayor.
Thank you.
I got it.
This is great.
I got two rare tortoises having sex.
- Yes.
This is it.
- Uh-huh, and No, tell me that's not true.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks for trying.
He pulled out.
- Jeez.
- That's it.
This is terrible.
No one is gonna want to come to Portland ever again.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Great piece.
Great piece, Anna.
- Oh, this is so exciting.
- I did it! This is an incredible story.
And now this is a bright, shining light on the problem, nobody can ignore it.
Yes! Yes.
- I'm just so proud - Listen! Listen.
- To have you on my staff.
- I just got an anonymous tip.
And you're gonna want to hear that.
- What is it, Francesca? - Did the mayor step down? No.
Portland is getting a Whole Foods 365.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Oh, my God.
- On opening day, they're giving away free ice cream.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, but we're we're leading with my story.
- Right? - Well I mean Sir, congratulations are in order.
Wholly guacamole! [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
So, we're out here just holding our dicks in our hand, [BLEEP.]
ing around.
All they're doing is [BLEEP.]
ing themselves.
They're a two-headed tarantula.
On the left, "New York Times.
" It spins its own web.
It eats its young.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, let me see that scarf!
Thank you for having me in.
And, uh, how how was Denver? Denver's great.
Uh, I saw a Rockies game.
- That's always fun.
- You know, I love what they've done with that stadium.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just really revamped that whole area.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
And they've got some great restaurants.
I mean, that place is really [MUFFLED CHATTER.]
Michael.
- You've been to Denver, right? - I was there for two hours.
And I thought I was going to be really cute, and I got myself a Denver omelet [SOLEMN ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
But that's an opportunity for us.
That's what I was saying earlier about the residential component - Mm-hmm.
- Of the overall model would allow for growth there which again [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Something I wanted to bring up was just [MUFFLED CHATTER.]
[SOMBER STRING MUSIC.]
Uh, too prodigious of a water feature in terms of the, uh, aeration [MUFFLED.]
of the golf course.
You know, I think I think it's going to be great.
Guys, all we need is NGF approval.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
I'm not worried about them at all.
- Yeah.
- You know, I know those guys and, uh [MUFFLED CHATTER.]
- Footprint of this, you know.
- Right.
[MUFFLED CHATTER.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I was happy even before I saw it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I was oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES.]
I go, "You know what?" I approve but I don't want the color changed, "and I want this whole thing yellow.
" [TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- Yeah, right? Remember how much you laughed? - Yeah.
- When I said "yellow.
" [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
There aren't a lot of these properties going up as it is.
The grassless driving range cuts 20% off our water usage.
The first thing I said was I approve.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm happy.
- Remember this, Erin? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I really need you to you know, look at this to make sure it's right.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Yeah, well, somehow I think it's more cost effective.
Mm-hmm.
You know, for the whole group.
I was worried about [INTENSE MUSIC BUILD-UP.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Uh, hey, buddy.
No phones.
We have a no phone policy at the meetings, buddy.
[DREAMY CHILLWAVE MUSIC.]
[CALMING MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mr.
Mayor, is everything okay? You, uh you said it was urgent.
It's very urgent.
Uh.
Sorry.
My crystal reading skills are just a little rusty.
Oh, what? You mean my earwax sculptures? No.
That's not it.
[THUD, WHIP.]
It's this.
Do you see this? It's common knowledge.
Portland is very white.
Yes, but "least diverse"? Least? I don't want to be the least at anything.
You know, I actually think that's a great idea.
I think it's a good time to do some soul searching, to ask ourselves those tough questions.
Tough, well, the only tough questions I want to ask is why that journalist is printing these lies.
I have many people of color working here at City Hall, many people of color.
- That's great.
- Yes.
Sam, get in here.
- Yes, sir.
- Sam.
- Are you white? - I am.
[SIGHS.]
Damn it.
- But you're gay, right? - Yes.
A rainbow isn't white.
Um, Jessie, Phil, Susan, Chuck.
Darn it.
- All white.
- Still white.
[SIGHS.]
It's just not right.
Darn it.
Wait, wait! Who are you? - Um, I'm Mike.
- Mike! What is your position here at City Hall? Oh, I'm I'm just visiting.
I could never live in this city.
- This city is too w - Don't say it.
- W - White? - Wet.
- Wet? - White? - What? - Wait.
- Wait, no.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Thank you.
We'll work on making the city less wet.
[SIGHS.]
This is awful.
Mr.
Mayor, you know that I'm not white.
- You're not white? - Mm-mm.
You know, I always suspected.
I just thought you were maybe sick or had that thing that Vin Diesel has.
No, no.
My dad's Korean, and my mom is from Venezuela.
How is that possible? Those countries are very far apart.
Isn't that crazy? How do you know all this? I took one of those home DNA tests.
They're great.
They tell you where you're from like down to a percentage.
- Really? - Hardly anybody is 100% European.
Hardly anyone is 100% European.
- Well, this could be great.
- What could? Well, we just need to test the entire city of Portland.
[MARTIAL MUSIC.]
Oh! Right.
Sam? Sam? Yes, Sam.
We need to have DNA testing on all the citizens of Portland.
- Would you get on that? - Uh, that sounds - slightly unconstit - Thank you! That's fantastic! We are gonna prove to that journalist that we are actually very diverse.
This is kind of exciting.
I might be, uh, a little Norwegian.
Oh, I don't think so, Carrie.
I have an eye for Scandinavian women, and they're much taller than you.
And also blonder.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Tiger Stadium? That is not the oldest in the country.
That's bullshit.
It was rebuilt in the '40s.
No one remembers that or writes it down, but yeah.
So, you guys got to get some salmon burgers.
Go get a salmon burger.
I made a bunch of them.
Hey.
What's up, buddy? Are you enjoying the party? Yeah, this is a cool party.
You have a great pad here.
Ah, you're nice.
Thank you very much.
Hey.
So, um It's crazy what's going on in Venezuela right now.
Hard hard to believe.
I don't think it's hard to believe.
I think it's easy to believe.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Right? Chávez put Maduro in power exactly for this reason.
Right? Because there's all this chaos that brings dependency.
It's the kind of chaos that they like.
That's our monster.
We created like uh, uh, Frankenstein.
What's Venezuela's main export? - Um.
Na - Oil.
So what's America's investment? - Money.
- No, oil companies.
Ah, we're standing here with our dicks in our hand.
We're shitting bombs out of our asses.
Guess what's gonna blow up? Our own assholes.
[EXPLOSIONS.]
Damn.
I didn't even know all that.
Yeah, but you know what? - It's pretty crazy.
- But it's all out there.
Man, it's crazy what's going on in Venezuela.
What's going on? What was it, 1979? We put those guys there.
Hmm? We sell them oil.
Doesn't Venezuela produce oil? A billion $1 billion Um [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
I was at your party the other day.
We talked about politics and Venezuela.
I remember you, yes.
Hi.
Yeah.
I just embarrassed myself at work.
And you seem so knowledgeable about politics and the world.
How do you do it? It's so easy.
It's a trick.
I just memorize a few things about one little subject and just focus on those.
Say, for me, it's a country, right? So I pick Venezuela.
What you do is you just remember a leader from there, uh, a year that they were in office.
Well, what if I would have brought up a different subject? You steer the conversation back to that subject.
- Huh.
- So, okay.
Pick out any subject matter.
Go ahead.
You start talking about it.
What about like Ancient Greece? No, like in Venezuela? With Maduro and Chávez? They put them there.
It's a vacuum.
Bush.
Let's do it for you.
There you go.
Southeast Asia.
So just pick out one.
- Cambodia.
- Ah, this is great.
No one's gonna challenge you on this.
So, look at that page.
Find a sentence that has, uh, a number in it.
Cambodia, independence in 1953.
- Memorize that.
- Prime Minister Hun Sen.
Yes, perfect.
So, Hun Sen.
- Remember that name.
- That's it? And you want to throw in some curses.
You know, you want to be a little rock and roll.
Just a little pepper it in a little, you know, - "We're holding our dicks.
" - Mm-Kay.
- All right? - Holding our dicks.
You know what's a good one? [BLEEP.]
ers.
Those [BLEEP.]
ers think that they can get away with that? And right away you got passion in there.
That's it.
That's all you need.
And who put the Khmer Rouge into power? We did.
President Carter was college roommates with Hun Sen, and they got their independence in, what was that? 1953? But they had a puppet in power.
A puppet.
1953.
All right.
[APPLAUSE.]
[JOYOUS MUSIC.]
I'm starving.
Me too, Tiff.
It's been like five days, right? Five days and they still haven't met our demands.
[SIGHS.]
It's a struggle to breathe.
That's how hungry I am.
[DOWN-TEMPO GUITAR CHORDS.]
Is there anything that's like eating, but you're not really eating? If I got, like, lemon seeds and just sort of, like, - sucked on them? - That's kind of horrible.
They haven't met our demands, and we are going nowhere! We'll be right here.
How about a hunger strike cheat day? - [GASPS.]
- It's just really quick.
We get some sesame seeds.
You know, suck on them for a little while.
Put some stuff in our mouths.
And come right back.
All right, one Caesar salad.
Would we like anything else today? No, this is all that we want.
We're barely gonna eat this at all.
- Okay.
- All right? And we're gonna ignore the croutons.
I'm just gonna take a little bit of this lettuce and just for the green, so that I can stay alive, I'm just gonna, like Just put it behind my teeth.
And your complimentary quesadilla.
No, no, no, no.
We did not order this.
We are just sticking with the salad.
They they come together.
All right, thanks.
What do we do? Well They made okay.
We're not gonna eat I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to breathe in some of the dust from the tortilla.
Just Pah-peh-peh.
Pah-peh-pah.
Pah-peh-bah-Ba.
[INHALES LOUDLY.]
Don't eat it.
Whatever you do.
[DARK TENSE MUSIC.]
Pah-peh-pah.
[INHALING LOUDLY.]
They haven't met our demands! [ECHOING.]
And we are going nowhere! [LAUGHTER.]
There's cheese in the eggroll.
Put that right over there.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Meatballs.
Can I have a couple more, please? One, two, one, two.
[CHEWING LOUDLY.]
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, Josh, what do you think? [TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
These dunkers are good.
ALL: Yeah! [LAUGHTER.]
These dunkers [CHEWS LOUDLY.]
These dunkers are good.
Good.
Good.
- Good.
Good.
ALL: Yeah! These dunkers Du Du Du These dunkers good These good.
Good.
These good.
Good.
- ALL: Yeah! - Du Du dunkers are good.
Du Du dunk dunkers are good.
[BELL RINGS.]
We will not relent! Change can't happen if no one's paying attention.
[BURPS.]
Good.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Welcome, everyone.
Welcome to Portland's Potluck of People, a night where we celebrate the diversity that is our great city of Portland.
You know, before DNA testing, we were 75% white.
Now there is scarcely a white person in the entire city of Portland.
We are more diverse than New York City or even Detroit.
[APPLAUSE.]
Huh.
Now, to show our journalist friend just how this works, I'm gonna have Fred read the latest results of our DNA testing.
Fred.
Great.
Thank you so much.
Uh, all right, is Judd here? Why don't you come on up? All right, Judd's genetic breakdown is 98% Northern European, 1% Broadly European, - 0.
5% Ashkenazi Jew.
- Hm.
0.
25% African, 0.
25% other.
0.
25% African.
I'm black.
Yes.
- Hey, congratulations, Judd.
- Congratulations.
[APPLAUSE.]
Well, we lost another white person, but the melting pot continues to grow.
Well, Anna, as you can see, Portland is much more diverse than how you characterized us in your article.
- What? - Yeah.
Well, look, there's Tim.
Hey, Tim.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean when are you going to see something like that? Coachella.
My favorite festival.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Hey.
- Nice hat.
- Thank you.
I mean, obviously I wouldn't have worn this a week ago.
That would have been offensive, but, you know, I just wanted to acknowledge my heritage.
- I can see that.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, Carrie can teach you how to use chopsticks.
I know how to use chopsticks.
Ah, but have you learned from an actual Japanese person? And Chico, our token white guy.
And I've got a little Scottish in me as well.
- Oh, I love Scotland.
- Oh, I tell you what.
What you need to do is take a trip to Scotland.
Learn how to play golf.
- That's all there is to it.
- All right.
Sounds perfect.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fred, why don't you tell Anna about the play you're working on? Yes! Oh, this is great.
It's called "Purple Roots.
" And it's, uh, part "Color Purple" part "Roots.
" It's about a black hair salon - in the Depression-era South.
- Yeah.
- All black cast.
- Mm.
[STAMMERING.]
- I know.
- Yeah, incredible.
How about you, Mr.
Mayor? Did you find that you had a little, uh, Fonz in your DNA? You know, it turns out I'm a 110% Puerto Rican.
How is that possible? Anna, ask me in Spanish.
Cómo es eso posible? Ayyy.
I can't decide if we should do the seven course or the 12 course prix fixe.
Mm, I think 12 course.
It's a special night.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Mmm.
Mmm! - Mmm.
- BOTH: Mmm.
- Steak tartare.
- That's raw.
- [GASPS.]
Raw like you.
- Mmm.
- Whoa.
- Oh, my.
I'm gonna finish this whole thing.
Oh, I can taste young onions.
- I like your young onions.
- I like your cream.
Mmm.
[BOTH EXHALE.]
This is the mushroom stroganoff.
I'd like you to "strog" my "noff.
" Well, I'm going to.
Mmm.
BOTH: Mmm.
[GAGS.]
Oh, more pasta.
- So much meat.
- It's a zoo in here.
- I want to visit that zoo.
- Get in my cage.
[TIGER ROAR.]
[SLURPING.]
[CRACKING.]
[SLURPING.]
[BOTH GULPING.]
Mmm.
Mmm.
- [BURPS.]
- [HICCUPS.]
Oh, thank you.
- All right, let's go home.
- The night is still young.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Oh, I love you.
- I love you.
BOTH: Mmm, mmm.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
Did you want to be on top? No, I want you to be on top.
No, can we be let's both be on the bottom.
All right, I'll be on the bottom too.
How do we do it? I think what I need is to take my stomach - and rest it on the bed.
- Okay.
[STOMACH RUMBLING.]
Sorry.
Ooh, sloshing.
- There you go.
- [BURPS, EXHALES.]
- Um.
Um.
- I'm having trouble.
- It's the squash.
- Yeah.
I'm trying to rest my belly on your back.
The squash was too creamy, I think.
This is oh, yeah, I'm settling in.
Yeah, there you go.
Hun [BURPS.]
I have to go.
I have to throw up.
Okay, hold on.
[SLOSHING, POP.]
[GROANS.]
All right, I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
Okay, okay.
Don't take too long, all right? - I won't, I won't.
- 'Cause I have to use the bathroom too.
Don't come back yet.
I'm gonna fart real quick.
- [FARTS.]
- [RETCHING.]
[SPLASHING.]
[CONTINUES RETCHING.]
[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
Honey.
[KNOCKING.]
Don't take too long, okay? I have to go to the bathroom too.
And as soon as I'm done, I'm gonna come out here and finish making love to you.
Yeah, um, I, uh, I need another minute.
- Okay? - Oh.
[FARTING.]
It's okay.
Please don't touch me.
[FARTS.]
It sounds like there's nothing left.
It's all air.
[FARTING.]
Is that you or me? - It's me.
- Wait, here's me.
[SQUEAKY FART.]
That's the shrimp.
[SPLASHING.]
I love you so much.
I love you too.
[LOUDLY BURPS.]
[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- BOTH: Ow.
Ow.
- [FARTS.]
- Ouch.
- [EXHALES.]
[EXHALES, BURPS.]
[ROOSTER CROWING.]
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Guess what I'm thinking.
- Breakfast? - I'm starving.
[BLISSFUL MUSIC.]
[FARTS.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
[ORCHESTRATION MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[DISTRESSING MUSIC.]
Check this out.
It's a pulled quote from the article.
It's a what? - From the article.
- Oh, wait, the article.
- I want to see it.
- The journalist sent over a preview of what's gonna be printed today, but, um, we need to come up with a response - at some point in time.
- Fine, I just want - to see the article.
- Yeah.
- Well, it's, um - No, no, let's see it.
- Let's see it.
- Oh, you got it right there.
- Okay, I'd love to see it.
- Yeah.
Wait.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Mr.
Mayor.
- No.
- No, it's okay.
We're the most something city.
Are you legally allowed to do that? You know, with the bumper stickers and the shirt - and everything? - Oh, well, it's a direct quote from the from the title.
This a gross mischaracterization of what she's saying.
But I needed to shorten it so that it would - fit on a bumper sticker.
- Wait a minute.
So you saw the preview of the article and then you had bumper stickers and shirts made? - Yes.
- How many bumper stickers? Well, we have these five.
- And? - And 5,000 more.
Well, how recently did you see this? We go we move quickly.
We should sue that testing company.
They didn't say we weren't allowed - to celebrate the results.
- No.
We just have to come up with a response to this - to counter these allegations.
- We need a distraction.
There's gonna be think pieces about this.
We need a new "new story" to make everyone forget about this one.
- Animals.
- Animals are good.
- Animals are good.
- A pregnant panda.
- People love pregnant pandas.
- Or like a bear who goes swimming in someone's swimming pool.
He came down from the mountain, we found him in our swimming pool - Let's call some zoos.
- Call zoos.
- Let's call zoos.
- Mm-Kay.
- Hello, zoo.
- Hi, Portland Zoo.
Do you have any, uh, hippos that are friends with chimpanzees? No.
They had a falling out.
How are you, Oregon Zoo? Do you have, uh, any snakes who know sign language? Hi, are there any reports of alligators who are interested in marrying, uh, a human? Oh, the mayor.
Thank you.
I got it.
This is great.
I got two rare tortoises having sex.
- Yes.
This is it.
- Uh-huh, and No, tell me that's not true.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks for trying.
He pulled out.
- Jeez.
- That's it.
This is terrible.
No one is gonna want to come to Portland ever again.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Great piece.
Great piece, Anna.
- Oh, this is so exciting.
- I did it! This is an incredible story.
And now this is a bright, shining light on the problem, nobody can ignore it.
Yes! Yes.
- I'm just so proud - Listen! Listen.
- To have you on my staff.
- I just got an anonymous tip.
And you're gonna want to hear that.
- What is it, Francesca? - Did the mayor step down? No.
Portland is getting a Whole Foods 365.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Oh, my God.
- On opening day, they're giving away free ice cream.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, but we're we're leading with my story.
- Right? - Well I mean Sir, congratulations are in order.
Wholly guacamole! [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
So, we're out here just holding our dicks in our hand, [BLEEP.]
ing around.
All they're doing is [BLEEP.]
ing themselves.
They're a two-headed tarantula.
On the left, "New York Times.
" It spins its own web.
It eats its young.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, let me see that scarf!