Scrubs s08e07 Episode Script

Dr.
Dorian? Katie, we've been over this.
It's inappropriate to interrupt an attending while he's hitting that.
Particularly while he's hitting it good.
J.
D.
: Turk and I used Katie as a messenger service.
Dr.
Turk liked the drawing you had me take him.
He had never seen himself as a deep-sea diver before.
Awesome! Go back and say, "J.
D.
Says you're welcome.
"And here's a little something for your bottom.
" And he wanted me to ask you if you wanted to go to the batting cages after work.
Remind him I don't like to do things that I'm not good at.
Yeah, that's why we don't have sex much.
That hurt me so much, I lost my breath a little.
Ooh.
Barbara, can you please put Mrs.
Newell on 150 milligrams of Clindamycin? Can't we use Azithromycin instead? That way she only requires one dose instead of four and I won't have to be running around all day.
- Interesting.
- Interesting.
J.
D.
: Elliot didn't think it was interesting, so they went to the person who settled all disputes between nurses and physicians.
Okay, I'm glad you guys didn't let this escalate.
Elliot, I bet you didn't know that on weekends, Barbara was a semi-professional kick-boxer.
I did not.
Still, doctors decide all prescription orders and you know that.
Oh, my God, did she just kick that ceiling tile? Yeah.
She's really good.
Well, about time, Champ.
Beer me.
No problem.
Just remember our deal.
I bring the beer and you don't tell anybody that we are now spending time together.
You're the new Chief, I'm the old Chief.
Who better to guide you through it? I'm just gonna hit the floor and be a doctor, like I have my entire career.
Well, you can kiss that idea goodbye.
I spent so much time behind that desk dealing with red tape, my behind still has the imprint of the chair.
You want to see? Since we're friends now, I can show you my butt.
Bob, I saw it five years ago at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party and I am still recovering.
Honest to God, there are times when I close my eyes and it's just there.
That still doesn't change the fact that you are going to spend most of your day trapped in that office.
Look, there are a few key differences between us.
For instance, I know that white leather shoes are never gonna be classy.
I believe that a yard should have trees, not gay little angel fountains.
And I'm damn sure not gonna be stuck in my office all day long.
Enid picked out the damn fountains.
I don't even like them.
- Bob? - Fine.
I like to pretend that they're friendly stone people.
All right, I'm partial to the one with tiny wings and the flowers in her hair.
- That's Leslie.
- Well Dr.
Turk wanted me to give you this.
I warned you about abusing interns.
That better not be another stupid drawing.
Elliot, please.
Turk just wanted me to look up a study about intra-operative beta-blockades to prevent post-operative complications.
- Really? - No.
He took a picture of me and Photoshopped on cactus hands.
Look at me, I can't touch anything I love without hurting it.
Do not do him any more personal favors.
- Okay.
- All right, let me have it.
What are you talking about? It is my first official day as Chief of Medicine, and I'm sure you've set up some elaborate, annoying spectacle.
I didn't do anything.
I suppose that giant cake has nothing to do with me? No, that's 'cause Colonel Doctor has two years sober.
Please, just go ahead and do whatever it is you're gonna do so I might get to work.
J.
D.
: Come on, think of something.
That was actually pretty impressive there, Newbie.
Thank you for that.
You're welcome, Perry.
J.
D.
: How lucky was that? Why are you playing bongos? It's Monday.
Monday is bongo day.
I can't do this all on my own No, I know I'm no Superman I'm no Superman I just had to come see it for myself.
You are the Chief of Medicine.
I know.
It is great to see someone other than Kelso behind that desk.
Ted! This is the first time I've been allowed to use the couch.
Dr.
Kelso always made me stand.
Even when I had thigh reconstruction surgery.
His dog Baxter ate the lower half of my hamstring.
Oh, yeah, that was gross.
Go ahead and make yourself comfortable, pal.
So I hope you don't mind my barging in.
You got to be kidding me.
In fact, Ted, go ahead and put Carla on the "Always allowed in" list.
You got it.
Too comfortable, Ted.
Thanks, sir.
I need boundaries.
So, you have a list of who can and can't come in here? There's the "Always allowed in" list, the "Sometimes allowed in" list, and the "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever" list.
Who's on the "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever"? Dr.
Dorian at your service.
How was your weekend, Howie? Well, I bought some new soap, but it turns out I was allergic to it.
I tried to get a refund, but I lost my receipt.
I was hoping you'd just say "fine.
" Okay, let's start rounds over here.
Mr.
Vaughn, how are you today, sir? Pretty good, but could you have the maid send some fresh towels? Mr.
Vaughn has pneumonia.
It was touch and go there for a while, but you're bouncing back.
You're gonna be out of here any day now.
I hope not.
It's nice being with people for a change.
We like having you around, too, sir.
If you need anything, you let us know.
- What the hell is that? - Some stupid gift from the Board.
It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.
There's a hybrid in the parking lot.
I might have the date wrong.
So where do you want me to hang it? Somebody else's office.
Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died? Doctors don't do that.
Look at you, sticking with the plan.
Just put it someplace, will you? - Well, I got to go.
- I'll go with you.
- Chiefs can do that? - I don't wanna stay in here all day.
I wanna get out and see people, check on patients, maybe make an intern cry.
Actually, Dr.
Cox, you need to look over the JAYCO paperwork and these nursing home transfer requests.
See you later.
What are you doing there, Ted? Dr.
Kelso always used to sign his paperwork on my back.
It's not so bad.
I imagine it's what a hug feels like.
- Is it? - I'm not gonna hug you, Ted.
Hey, Carla, next time you hang with Dr.
Cox, maybe instead of braiding each other's hair you could talk to him about making some new hires so we don't have to work forced overtime.
Why is Nelly giving you so much attitude? Even though I'm the head nurse, I mostly hang with doctors.
I'm married to a doctor, my best friend is a doctor.
- Who's your best friend? - You are.
I know.
I just wanted to hear you say it out loud.
The point is, nurses sometimes think I'm on the wrong team.
How could they think that? You're, like, the most loyal person I know.
Except for the time that you booed me off the stage at the karaoke bar.
Elliot, you're not allowed to sing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
I just can't hit those low notes.
Sure, that's why.
Look, most nurses feel under-appreciated, especially by doctors.
It's not that bad here, is it? You know what the MD at the end of this badge means? It means, I make the decisions.
You got that, missy? I'll see you at home.
And sometimes, it's not even that subtle.
My post-op patient is still going in and out of consciousness.
You know what I'd like to go in and out of? Disrespecting nurses five! They're booting Mr.
Vaughn.
His insurance won't pay for him to stay here any longer.
He lives all alone.
He's not ready to take care of himself yet.
You know what? I've got pull with Dr.
Cox.
Let me handle this.
Mr.
Vaughn is such a sweetie.
Don't you wish you could just bring him home and take care of him yourself? You're late.
Not five seconds in the door, and it's already number three on Mr.
Vaughn's greatest hits! You know, why stop there, Frank? Coming in at number two, "You never introduce me to people at parties.
" And at the top of the charts, as always, "What about my feelings?" I only say those things because I love you.
Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.
You know what? That might be a little weird.
And how many catheters do we normally order? Well, just order that! Great.
And there we go.
- What do you think? - Why? Because, now you can see the back of it.
See? Life is more interesting when you look at the back of things.
Women, that's obvious, baseball cards, puppet shows.
Plus, you get the 3D effect.
Look at this.
Hey, what's that off in the distance? A hospital of some sort? It is a hospital.
Never mind, it took off again.
Here it comes again.
What's it want? It's got Terry! Everyone run! You know.
It's a game.
Try again there, Chewie.
And done.
We are the hell out of here.
Hey there, new Chief! Barbie, did you not see the list outside? I saw it.
I'm a "Sometimes allowed.
" Well, now isn't one of those times.
- Yeah, but - Don't care, get out.
Man! I am not answering that.
Carla, finally, a friendly face.
The phone won't stop ringing.
Everybody and their sister wants a favor.
Actually, speaking of favors, I've been noticing all the recent forced overtime.
Maybe we could hire a few extra nurses? Of course that's what you wanted.
Just testing out the hammer.
See if it works.
It does.
The Board wants to know why you haven't submitted a new budget.
Hey! You're not the only one who can hammer.
I'll just come back another time.
Carla.
Stop it.
I can't help you with the nurses.
And I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow! Nice digs, Per.
Didn't you see your name on the "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever" list? No, it's not on there.
- Ted! - I'm on it.
Look, my pneumonia patient is being discharged, and he's not ready.
If he goes home now, he could develop ARDS, he could relapse, even fall and break his hip.
I need you to keep him here longer.
Can't do it.
The Board knows I pull strings for patients and they're all over my ass.
I got to stay below the radar for a little while.
Okay.
You know what? We're cool.
No.
We are not cool.
J.
D.
: What? Why aren't we cool? It must be because we're super cool.
Ask him.
- Is it because - And no, we're not super cool.
Look, you seem to think that just because I have this new job, that suddenly I don't realize that the patients come first.
That I've somehow forgotten what matters.
For the love of God, I taught you what matters, you arrogant, pretentious, self-righteous, little jackass.
Are you hammering in the perfect spots for emphasis? I was trying to, yeah.
Well, it was just terrific.
Thank you for that.
And you, get the hell out of my office.
Yes, sir.
J.
D.
: As I left, I couldn't tell if that pounding was the Janitor's hammering or just the sound in my head of Dr.
Cox finally being boxed in.
Sometimes, all you can hope for is a chance to breathe every now and then.
This is the Chief of Medicine.
Well, that's fine.
We will get together and discuss the NICU issue on Thursday then.
All righty.
Are you finally finished with the project? Yep.
All done.
Uh-oh.
Oh, boy! I got the nail in there, but it's loose.
You know what? I'm gonna go get some putty.
If you just hold this right here, I'll be done in a second.
For the love of God.
Just hold it level and tight.
- Bear the weight.
- Here.
Hold it right there.
I'll be back in one minute.
You're doing great.
So, that's what a Chief of Medicine does.
Now what's with the lab coat, Bob? The old gal down in pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
Sir, I was just looking over the Oh, dear God in heaven! Still got it.
How's the pulse, Ted? Nothing.
Why don't you go somewhere and lie down? Nah.
I don't need to go dressing on So, the Janitor still doing the picture thing, huh? I beg your pardon? Well, every time he would ask me for a real office, I'd say "no.
" So, now if anyone gets a nice new office, he gets very angry and he uses that picture to drive them insane.
Now what the hell does a janitor need an office for anyway? So you wanna discuss the urinal cake issue on Thursday, huh? Let me check my calendar.
All right, Steve.
I'll Huh? What did they do? Hey.
Good one.
A little racist.
Yeah, you You know what? Just give my love to Darlene, okay? Real Syphilis, huh? Well, that's I'm not a doctor, Steve.
But That seems unusual, even for syphilis.
I can't believe they're just kicking him out.
Yeah.
What happened to all that pull you have with Dr.
Cox? Look, he said his hands are tied on this one.
- Poppycock.
- What? That's old man for "bullcrap.
" You're an odd duck, aren't you? That's what they tell me, but I don't see it.
So I asked Dr.
Cox about hiring some extra nurses and he said "no.
" Did you really ask him or did you just compliment him on his new office? - You know what? Frick them.
- Frick them? I'm one of them.
Yeah, but they're acting like a bunch of frickheads.
Sorry about all the F bombs.
I don't blame them for being frustrated at working here, because a lot of the times, I feel the same way.
God, you are so clueless.
You're not mad at me, you're just frustrated about something else and you're taking it out on me.
I mean, it's like last night, when my favorite shoes made my toes bleed, and so I called you a frizzy-haired mega-bitch.
That's why we had to make the rule that we can't just dump on each other just 'cause we're pissy about other stuff.
We need to cancel that rule.
Yeah, I agree.
It was stupid.
I hated it.
Yeah, but, Elliot, all nurses want is to be treated with the same respect that you doctors get treated with every single day.
- I do that.
- You do with me.
But what about all the other nurses? Like Barbara this morning.
Were you as respectful as you could have been? And, ma'am, you should feel confident in the decision to give you Clindamycin, because it was made by someone who went to medical school and not someone who turned to nursing after a failed career as a recording artist.
And don't you dare try to kick-box me.
Maybe not totally respectful.
When he gets a startle like the one I gave him earlier, he usually sleeps about 18 hours.
Have people been taking care of him since I left? We've all been pitching in, spending time with him, taking him on walks.
Who's a good boy? So, why are you so afraid to get all up in Dr.
Cox's grill? We both know he can occasionally be somewhat of a vengeful person.
- This is demeaning.
- I know, but that's where I want the picture for the rest of the day.
Listen, if he wanted to find a place to hide your patient, he could.
He's just stressed and out of his elements, and, hell, he's scared.
And even if he hasn't realized it, this job is changing him already, because it comes with a whole host of overwhelming responsibilities, including keeping this hospital afloat.
I'd help him if he'd let me, but you know he won't.
When I was Chief, if Dr.
Cox came to me and complained about something I would automatically say "no.
" And if he never complained again, I'd know it wasn't that important.
But if he came back and fought for it over and over, I knew it was something that I'd have to take a look at.
Now he's me, and he's got this damn voice in his head telling him to say "no" all the time.
And he desperately needs someone on the other side to tell him what he should do, whether he wants to hear it or not.
And now, that person is you.
Here we are.
- Will he at least be grateful? - No.
He's gonna hate you for it.
Go! What? Hey, guys.
How's it going over here? Awesome.
Look, Barb, I really just wanted to come by and apologize for the way I treated you earlier.
I was planning on waiting for you in the parking lot tonight and kicking your teeth in.
- Please don't.
- Even if she tried, Carla would just swoop in and protect her doctor friend.
Look, you guys aren't even really mad at Carla.
You're just frustrated by the situation and you're taking it out on her.
Carla and I actually had a rule about that earlier, but we canceled it because You know what? Probably not that pertinent.
The point is, Carla's a nurse first.
Even if it means yelling at her best friend.
That's me.
She said that out loud earlier.
You can ask anyone.
Anyway.
You can either use her relationships with us as doctors to start a dialog and make things better, or ignore me, stay pissed and you can all hold me down in the parking lot tonight while Barb here boot-stomps my face.
Taking a pretty long time to think about it.
Oh.
You got me there.
I thought that was when it was all gonna go down.
Look, I don't care if we have to fake a secondary infection, or claim he's allergic to his medication, Mr.
Vaughn needs to be back here in a bed, and you know it.
J.
D.
: I got about the answer I expected.
- Get out! - No.
Actually, you know what, stay if you want to.
I'm going to get out of this cage and I'm gonna go out and see some patients.
No, you're not.
It's 7:00.
Your day's over.
J.
D.
: It's scary how easy it is to become resigned to your lot in life.
You just go about your business, same as always.
So, I hear you're the new personnel director.
Nice office.
I just have to hang this.
J.
D.
: That's why even the tiniest change in a dynamic can seem monumental.
- Good night, Carla.
Good night, Elliot.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Did you do something good? - I totally did.
Okay, take good care of him.
J.
D.
: As for me, I was fine with my new lot in life, because I knew the payoff would always outweigh the cost.
Dr.
Cox.
Look, I want to thank you for listening to me about Mr.
Vaughn.
Yeah.
Go to hell.
J.
D.
: Or not.
Swing low, sweet chariot Chariot Coming for to carry me home Oh, hey, Dr.
Wells.
How's it going? Swing low sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home