Shameless s08e07 Episode Script

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back.
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally taking the grass from its own roots.
And now you've got your ConDemNation, Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what? Is revolution a word or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fucks' sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water! I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Paaaarty! For most people, there comes a time when you have to fend for yourself.
Unless you're William or Harry or some other lucky fucker who inherited plenty.
Or Frank Gallagher, of course.
My mam and dad got off early so I had to learn fast.
No armbands, no stabilisers, no guiding lights I'm just saying.
You know, it'd be easy to rob a brothel.
Oh, Shane.
I bet no-one's ever robbed a brothel.
And we won't be the first.
Thought we'd agreed, no more robbing.
I'm just thinking aloud.
Well, think about something else.
We've got to give the new business a chance.
Bang on time.
DICK DALE: Misirlou I love you, Pumpkin.
I love you, Honeybunny.
Give us your fucking hand! Stop wiggling! Keep your fucking hands down! Get us out of here.
Yeeee haaaa! I thought I was doing all right diving in, cracking on, making the best of it.
But sometimes it's wise to listen Apply the brakes now and again.
You need to be more gentle with the clutch.
But on the whole, there's some improvement.
You could've killed us! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can she even see through that? She had it under control.
The world's a dangerous enough place as it is.
Mum! What a disgrace! Seen that poster? Don't let it wind you up.
Revise your road signs.
Get much done? Enough.
A shop quieter than the library doesn't bode well.
Good job we've got plenty coming in elsewhere.
This is out of date.
And why's there no proper tea bags? There's twice as many in that value gear.
But it tastes like piss! There's more choice at the Jockey.
Afternoon, girls.
That's not revision! What you writing to Granddad for? You snide, two-faced Medical student? I couldn't afford to be if I didn't tell him what was going on.
You're paid to spy? My course gets funded out of the profit of this shop.
Income declines, bye bye Dr Sita.
I hope you can sleep at night.
As long as you keep earning, I don't need to tell Granddad.
Of course you don't Please Not this, no.
.
I beg you.
Please No Please Cameron! Cameron! Fucking hell! Cameron! Have you hurt her? No! What's she doing? Aaah! That's the release word if she doesn't like it.
What's up? This is what you asked for! I got cramp.
Fuck! Fuck! Where? Back of the right leg - hamstring.
Ah, that helps.
Aaah, yes, that's working.
Could you pass me the water, please? Ah.
Next time, instead of pulling the panties off, I'd like you to cut them.
You can let go now.
Sorry about that.
Where were we? No, please, I'm begging you Anything but that! What? I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Where's the bathroom? Perhaps you'll be back on form when I return.
Little Shane need some little blue helpers? Slug pellets? Fucking hell, Shane.
Read it and tell me it's not in your favour! Did you expect me to believe they're studying driving theory? There's a million places I'd rather be than helping you keep your shitty little shop in Chatsworth.
Right.
It's home time.
Key to the door.
You've got your staff poker nights.
Twenty one? Another one that doesn't rhyme.
Bingo with a Scouse Ma Baker, a boss-eyed brass and a tinker in a wheelchair? I'd never let my missus anywhere near.
I'd like to see you try and stop her.
Come on, Mimi! Grey-skinned women stinking of cigs, eyes like zombies.
Makes me sick.
It's more upmarket now.
Mimi, we're off! I'm coming! Sweet sixteen Never been kissed.
No, but had it up the grease box.
I love making up alternatives.
Your turn.
Go and provide some class.
Cash flow's vital at the start of any new business.
We can't have performance anxiety messing things up.
It's just weird knowing you're being watched.
That City player wants to watch you shag his wife Tuesday.
Not rape, though.
Utter domination from behind and anal, leave her feeling humiliated, worthless and embarrassed.
I'll wear my United shirt.
Don't think we've forgotten about you, Anne Frank.
Another half hour.
Unless you want to pay for more.
Stick a fucking balaclava on him, see what he can do.
He's "voyeur only.
" All set? He will be.
Maybe we could, er, think about that, seeing as someone seems to be struggling with his side of the bargain.
It's not in the contract.
We could always renegotiate.
Got plenty of ammunition for Grandad now, if you want it.
I'm past caring.
I read your email to Grandad.
Appreciate it.
But Uzma wouldn't stand for it.
What's Aunt Uzma got to do with anything? That's who they wanted to send instead of me.
Fuck that.
I couldn't cope with that mad bitch round here.
She's your great auntie, show some respect.
I'm glad it was you.
Here y'are girls, grab these, innit? Don't you see they're using you? Using him?! My man's on fire.
I'm all out.
Yeah? Nah, man.
You don't have to.
With the readies I'm getting out of this lot? It's only right that I sort you out.
Yasmin's going to be a paramedic.
She gets blue light lessons.
Oh, God, no! Nooo, anything, anything but this! Please, please What the hell d'you think you're doing up there, eh? Eh? Noncing? Talk to me! Well, come on.
Answer me, you little pervert.
What do you think you're doing up there, eh? Eh? Mickey! Let me! I found him! Knobhead! Leave him alone.
You won't believe where he was.
Noncing on you and Kelly.
It's all right.
All right? I've just dragged him out of our loft.
He paid for it.
Sorry about this, I really am.
It's all right.
I quite enjoyed that.
Same time tomorrow? I don't get it.
It's his fantasy.
What, dressing up as a bird in our loft? That's not Kelly.
Who's that? What you doing to her? None of your business.
What's with the bally and the no clothes? You can't torture people back here.
Sisters know what buttons to press.
I think it's now time to tie me up again.
Fuck off.
What's going on in here? You shouldn't be doing this at home.
Why not concentrate on one business at a time? Do you think James Caan does that? Think James Caan ever got his legs broken? Who's going to hurt cheeky Ches? Try angry fathers when they find out the driving school's a front for their daughters to get laid.
Nah, I just provide a space to let their hair down.
And their knickers.
I've seen it happen.
Demonstrations, picketing, extremists swooping down and preaching.
Sharia law in Chatsworth won't be far away.
Behave.
Now you are overreacting.
Kebab Airways.
Liverpool, Amsterdam.
Amsterdam, Liverpool.
How's that not entrapment? They are the most chilled race in Europe.
Scousers? Dutch.
You'll never see a fight in a coffee shop.
Exactly! I am sick of gangsters here, giving fuck all back.
Er wouldn't say no, son Lovely.
Good lad.
I can shift a lot more.
30? Could be gone by weekend.
Saves all the coming and going.
That's not personal anymore.
And you're far too pretty for Strangeways.
Look, I promise.
Just let me show you what I can do.
All right.
Yee-ha! Woo! Yee-ha! Rawhide! Top prize.
We pooled it together.
I'll draw up the rota.
Who gets it and when.
It was my card, though.
It was my card! Always fucking whinging.
Buy us out, or shut the fuck up.
Now, remember, I always get paid.
Even if I have to wait till you've done a three stretch.
I'll get Shane to put a bigger engine in this.
You can't take Cilla on it if it goes too fast.
And she'll have to get a helmet and earmuffs.
That's not Kelly.
They're torturing someone.
In the house?! I knew it was a bad move, them going on their own.
Much as it pains me to slag one of me own Clueless without our Jamie.
Our Jamie would never bring his work home like that.
Tell him I said he can't keep her here.
And he'd better clean any mess.
'Police are still waiting for the kidnappers' Mam says you've got to take her somewhere else.
Grass.
How's that grassing when she can hear her? '.
.
the search is focused on the Chatsworth estate of Manchester, 'where a stolen car believed to be used in the abduction 'has been discovered.
'The MP for Chatsworth and Trafford West made the headlines' A politician's wife? Er, hello? Maguire - crime family.
Don't you think it's a bit brain-dead bringing her back here? They think this is real.
Who does? Everyone.
The news, the police are all over Chatsworth.
Why? Because somebody didn't turn her cameras off.
Oops.
It doesn't matter what they think, she paid for this.
So we're OK.
No, the police kick fuck out of Maguires first and ask questions later.
We need to sort it, now.
Well, I can't go.
Why? I don't think exposing my fantasy will impress the voters.
Voters? Voters? Her husband's an MP.
Oh! Can't we talk about this? No.
I'll tell them it is real.
I left the cameras running on purpose, he needs the publicity, sympathy, my husband.
Is he in on it? No, never.
He's too straight.
Now I really don't trust this.
Kelly I can't go! Don't be stupid! Shane.
Go on, then.
Go on.
See how much sympathy that gets.
I'll make it look real.
Don't be mental! You'll get at least seven years for kidnap.
Shane She's full of shit.
Ches? Hello? Oi! Ches! You promised to go to the wholesaler's.
Yeah.
So what's up? It's all right.
You overslept, you stink of booze and you left the door open all night.
Local store for local people.
No-one'll rob us.
Aidan and Letitia forgot to leave IOUs for the booze they took, then? They'll pay when I threaten them.
The shelves are bare.
I am going to the wholesaler's.
Are you a doctor? Not yet.
Can you stitch stuff? Stitched me up plenty of times.
Within reason.
I need a favour.
Now.
Please.
This is bad.
Jamie'd never fuck up like this.
What if he works for a newspaper? Think he'll confess to anything? Look at the fucking state of him.
This won't even need a stitch.
Whoa, here you are.
I've given her loads of painkillers.
Hold that, hold it.
Shit! Put your hand on there.
Fucking hell.
Not poppers! Get some of this up your beak.
You said stitch.
We kept it in ice.
Macca had his ear in the freezer for a month, so You need a micro surgeon.
Call an ambulance.
We can't.
That's why we need you.
It was just an accident.
You can see we're all still friends.
Yeah, yeah Please.
Ice might keep the finger OK, but the chance of wound infection increases by the second.
Then gangrene, arm amputation How long before that happens? If infected, the spread speeds up the longer you leave it.
You need to get to a hospital.
Yeah, it's The blood's stemmed, but the longer you OK, but what's the longest we can wait? If you don't get to a hospital in 24 hours Look, thanks for coming.
Look, you cannot keep her here.
Why don't you just ask Jamie what he'd do? Because we don't need anyone's help.
Course not(!) Dibble.
Leg it! You go out the back door, I'll stall the filth.
Have you nothing better to do? Bye, thanks for your time.
Thanks, Doreen.
Bye.
Hundred right now Come on! Deena needs a top-up.
You're taking the piss.
On my life, I'll go tomorrow.
You should take a leaf out of her book and join the party, might help you chill out.
Hey! You little shit! 'Ambulance, police or fire?' Anti-terrorist unit.
'Anti-terrorism.
' There's something not right in a shop in Chatsworth 'And now our top story.
The kidnappers of Sandra Brown 'have yet to come forward with any ransom demands.
'Meanwhile, with every hour that passes, police are increasingly 'concerned for the welfare of the MP's wife, seen here being abducted 'from her own home yesterday.
' Hey, have you heard this? I hope they cut her head off.
Her husband wants to close every brothel in the country.
Twat.
'The search is still focused on the Chatsworth Estate in Manchester.
' I don't agree with all his policies.
I'll be fucked if I'm going back on the streets.
Just take me in and I'll confess.
I'll tell them what happened, that it was all down to me.
I'm sorry I put you through this.
So you should be.
We shouldn't leave this too long.
Do you trust her to tell the truth? Well, don't you? No.
We can prove it.
She paid us a deposit.
In cash! No paper trail, no proof.
I've got the booking in the diary.
Are they going to believe she chopped her own finger off to frame us? Look at the state of her, Kel.
They'll say she's in shock, examine her.
Our DNA is all over the place.
Maybe we should ask Jamie.
Tell me you're joking? All right, what do you suggest? Our first problem on our first big earner and you want to go running back for help? Fucking hell, Shane.
Maybe we're not as good on our own as we thought we'd be.
Little bird told me you might be in a spot of bother.
Not everyone's cut out to go it alone, son.
I might need a little bit of help.
It's blood that binds us, mate.
Preferably somebody else's.
Lap it up, son.
Moments like this you treasure when you depart for that big caravan site in the sky.
Just say what you need me to do and you're back in the fold.
Was it a joinery or a plastering course you did in Strangeways? Bedroom ceiling's fucked.
Do it quick, I'll give you a bonus.
(Fuckin' prick.
) Mimi! It's my turn! Whatever.
You've got your own wheels.
Check the fucking rota! Aah! Oopsy-daisy! Fucking typical.
Yeah, don't help.
Blame us cos you're too stupid to find the MP's wife! Fucking crank! There's more to me than that.
Let me take you out and prove it.
Yeah, yeah, less of that! Carl, Farah wants you to show her how to hold a pool cue.
Help her pot a ball and I might get a nosh.
Rapid! Mating calls! Ches, get her to do a line off me dick! > Move! Move! Move! Armed police, armed police! Armed police, nobody move! Get down, get down! Get down on the floor now! Put your hands on your head! All right, all right! Right, right! Don't move! Stay there! Put your hands on your head.
About time! Oh, re-sprays don't come cheap.
That'll cost.
Never mind that, look what the bizzies did! There's more police crawling round Chatsworth than we had in the Tockie riots.
They can't find the MP's wife so they're taking it out on Chesney.
Do you reckon? Just glad I'm not Irish.
Here, 'ave it.
You want to get some cream on that.
Ach See ya.
See ya.
Aagh! What did you think would actually happen? Nothing.
I'd just go home.
It seemed a good idea.
Two birds with one stone.
Does hubby know about your rape fantasy? It's more than ten years since he went down on me.
Asking him to wear a balaclava, a 12-inch strap-on and pull my hair would only aggravate his IBS.
I don't think we've ever talked the way you two do.
It took years to get here.
But you have to stand by them, though, even though I can't help the disappointment.
The way things turned out so different.
We shouldn't even be in this mess.
OK.
Do you want to get out of this without anyone knowing what a twisted deviant you are? Of course.
We'll need compensating.
I understand.
Phone your husband.
And say? What are you doing? Wait and see.
It's been on the news, they've got her finger.
Knock, Lilian! I hope they post her tits next.
They'll freeze it.
Look, a finger's no good on its own.
Jihad Corps? That's your inspiration, yeah? It's just a video game.
Like your driving school just teaches clutch control? What does that mean? Is that how you recruit? Preaching hate during driving lessons, eh? I swear I don't know what's going on.
Why did your white mother defect to Pakistan? It's my turn! All right, keep your knickers on.
I've got to drop this lot off first.
Hang on.
It's like a plague of locusts.
Some people have no shame.
Supermarket Sweep in the dark! Look what I got! It'll do me a week.
Why aren't you kicking them out? Because they'll only spend the money they're saving somewhere else.
It's an unfortunate by-product of the age.
Social disintegration.
We used to leave our doors off the latch.
You know, everybody in and out, cup of tea, check in on the old dears.
Even during the Toxteth riots in '81 we had principles.
We didn't take from our own.
You told me you got a telly.
Yeah, but that was a big shop.
Now it's just me, me, me We should sue them over that poster.
Oh, my god, Ches.
Shit Are you OK? Is that why they raided then? Nah.
The girls think it's Yasmin's dad.
Maybe you had a point.
Shit.
So much for the wholesaler's.
Why? Where am I going to get the dough to restock everything? You just said it.
Sue 'em.
You reckon Asian brothers have got a high success rate taking on the dibble in the British courts? I'm serious.
I had a conversation with a Law Phd.
And I had a conversation with a law C.
U.
N.
T.
I've got no chance.
They left it unsecured.
If they remove the proprietor by force, it becomes their responsibility.
Precedent, Customs and Immigration versus Talybont Taxis, Cardiff 2007.
Go on If they don't compensate within a week, then you charge them a 50% fine.
I'll get Hassan to backdate whatever receipts we want.
We can say it was over-stocked.
I promise I won't mess up again.
What's up? Jamie's what's up.
Your jacket, yeah? Yeah.
How come you've got it? You left it here.
So the police didn't find anything? Where's the sniff? I flushed it away.
Yeah, course you did(!) I thought it was the right thing to do.
Are you stupid?! I thought they'd know it was your jacket.
You fucking stupid bitch! Hey! Fuck off! No more parties.
Listen, darling, the party's over.
New management and door policy.
Argh! What the f Auntie Uzma.
You told Grandad?! He saw it on the news.
What could I do? She's not staying here.
Tomorrow, yeah? Libby, you start at March Way.
Kelly, when you see her, cross over to Mapley Avril goes third from the alley, from Byley to Cranston Lane.
Aiden, you hold back on March Road, till I give you the signal.
Sandra, you're the bait.
Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah That's Sandra.
Hang on.
Which one? Ooh, I run to the river It was boiling, I run to the sea What do we do now? It was boiling, I run to the sea Wait! Just follow the bag.
Yeah, but which one? There's loads of 'em! The one with the money in it! Please help me Please help me, oh Lord help me There's too many of them! We need more officers.
All officers leave your positions and check every bag.
I want every bag searched.
Shit! Hear me praying, Lord, Lord Hear me praying, Lord, Lord Go, go, go, go.
Sinnerman, you ought to be praying Ought to be praying, sinnerman.
Ought to be praying All on that day Could they have proved it were my jacket? The quality of DNA testing these days, easy.
You'll make it back in a week.
Heard you managed to got your little problem sorted? Never in doubt, Jamie.
Done it my way, we'd all be having a right drink.
Is that the best champagne you've got over there? I'll have one.
Make that two.
Three.
And me.
You know, we might as well take the lot.
Cheers, everyone.
Cheers.
Don't worry about it.
Disgraceful.
Probably be tempted myself.
Even James Caan has to listen to others.
Especially James Caan.
You have to accept you need help now and again.
Cos that's how you really move on.
That's how you learn the best lessons.
Now, who'll have a drink? Frank? Yes? You'll have a drink.
Oh.
Go on.
I'm just trying to smooth it over.
You know.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
Nah, you did nothing wrong.
I owe you.
Listen, er, thanks a lot for earlier, yeah? For your help with the finger.
Good job.
Thanks.
Hee, hee, hee, hee, paaaarty!!! Frank! It's my turn.
Fuck off, Supergran! I'm entering the raspberry Olympics.
Frank! Get off the road.
Evil Knievel's got nothing on me.
Fuckin' hell.
Jesus.
What a place to park.
Where do you think you're gonna find yourself a man? Aren't you going to congratulate me? Married? Who would've thought your old mum would beat you down the aisle? While they're waiting for the site to download, we'll be ripping the card details.
How d'you get it to smell like actual piss? It is actual piss.
We need to consummate! I'm moving in to Trevor's.
Onto our target market kiddie fiddlers.
He treated me like a dog.
He beat me and abused me.
My husband demands a total review of the laws in this country and wants every vestige of prostitution banned forever.
Bitch!