Archer s08e08 Episode Script

1 So, uh Shut up, everybody! And what do you mean, Mother killed Woodhouse? - Me? - Yes, you! - Yeah.
- Duh.
Well, not, you know, not her personally, it was probably that golem of hers.
(low, contented rumbling) - MOTHER: Mr.
Zerk.
- (growl) It's obvious that Archer's bungled this whole thing, which means we need to do a little housekeeping.
- Rgh? - Mm-hmm.
And don't bring back a dirty shovel.
Rrrgh (big yawn) Oh, my God, if someone doesn't bring me toast I will literally die.
ARCHER: And how do you know about this? Oh, come on, everybody knows.
Your partner got in too deep on his dope bill, so she had that ape whack him.
If I find out you're lying to me Why would I lie? That bitch (chuckling) Well, you know what they say, you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fl - (breaks squeal) - POOVEY: Jesus! LANA: What! What's the big idea? The big idea is we're going to Dreamland, and you're all gonna stay tied up until I find out the truth.
Who keeps this much rope in their trunk? Besides rapists? Uh, mountain climbers? Yeah, climbing up to their mountaintop rape-shed.
- Their what? - How would that even work? - Are the victims already up there, or - (gunshot) - (short, startled reactions) - And the next person who talks - (long ahem) - Son of a What? No, I was gonna say rope salesmen.
- (tires squealing) - POOVEY: Oh, God! Anybody have a joke about socks? No? Okay, I got one.
Um, "Sock sock.
" And then you say "Who's there?" (chuckles) Okay, then, I guess just pout.
I-I don't understand.
Are you a cop? (laughs) Uh, do I look like a cop? - N-no - And yet! - (startled yelp) - I'm commandeering this vehicle! (groans) (screams) (chuckling) So listen uh, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life, but if I were you, I'd just go ahead and jump out.
(terrified whimper/sob) - And I'd do it sooner rather than - (opens the door) (scream, cut short by impact sound) (chuckling) Later! Double double, toil and trouble Although if I'm being honest, it's really no trouble.
I love my work.
Not as much as you do, obviously.
Alright, once my patient arrives - (door creaks) - Well, speak of the devil.
I was just Oh, damn it, what do you want? Rrrrgh! What? - Rgh.
- (annoyed sigh) - Well, don't bring it back dirty.
- Rrgh! Because it ruins it.
ARCHER: Now sit down! Come on, I don't have all goddamn day! I mean I do, but (through sock): Mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf! - What? - (in agreement): Mmff! Mmf mmf! Rrmmfmf! I can't understand a word you're saying.
Mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf! Oh, my God.
- What? - Pfft, pfft.
I don't know, I didn't really have anything, I was just - Mmf mmmf! - Mmf mmmf! (groans) - Pfft, pfft! Ptuh! Pbbb! - There! Happy? MOTHER: What the hell is going on here? - Aha! - Aha what? Aha, um, hang on Trexler? Why the hell are you here? - I - Aha! Okay, I got it now.
Sit down.
I beg your pardon? Sit down! Well, somebody likes to chew his cabbage twice - Both of you! - All right! Rudolph the Rude-nosed Reindeer Now then, would you mind telling me what it is you think you're doing? I think it might be some kinda Hercule Poirot-type deal, where he gathers everybody in the parlor.
- Have you lost your mind? - (chewing pills) Actually maybe, I dunno, I haven't slept in like a week and I've been eating dexedrine like candy, so (gasps) Are you seeing tracers yet? - I no, shut up.
- What is this all about? It's about you, killing my partner! What? Who told you that? - Trexler! - Wh Trexler, you dirty liar! Well, now, technically I said your goon killed him, but We had nothing to do with it! Oh, and I'm just supposed to take your word? - You took his! - Well? - Why would I have him killed? - Because he owed you money! Okay, well think about that statement.
- Strangely illogical.
- Yeah.
It's not like he was walking around with the money in his belly.
Then why'd you send me down to Long Beach the night my office was robbed? - Burgled.
- Whatevered! - To spy on Trexler! We're competitors! - I Which is why, you idiot, he's trying - to frame me for killing your partner! - TREXLER: (gasps) Slander! - Sue me! - I got a half a mind to! - You've got half a mind, period.
- And all the burns.
And if I could, I'd sue you for hijacking my truckload of whores! - That wasn't me, either! - Yeah, Poovey took 'em.
- Godddammit.
- What? - Yeah, what? - Oh, don't play dumb, Figgis! I'm not! I had no idea! - Or did he? - Oh, you son of a bitch! Why ya throwin' me under the bus? I am gonna go buy a bus, and literally throw you under it, and then drive it back and forth on your face! See? Spoken like a true killer! Oh, like you're one to talk! I got three men in the morgue! (chuckling) Again, that was Poovey.
- What? - Goddammit! - I mean POOVEY: Well, some people need to get shot! - Case in point! - Rrgh? (explosion, startled reactions to the noise) (panting) Whoo! Hey, gang! (chuckling) What's happening? - (reactions to Dutch's being here) - Are you kidding me? How are you here? Commandeered a vehicle.
I mean how are you still alive? I dunno, I guess just clean livin'! A-and how did you know we were here? I didn't! No, no, this is just an almost unbelievable coincidence.
No, I'm actually just here for my blue stuff.
- Your what? - Um So this is a little awkward.
- But he's actually my patient.
- (confused reactions) - I don't care what he is - He's a goddamn robot! - Actually - Nobody smashes up my club! - (whistles) - (groans) Mr.
Zerk! Grrrrghh (chuckling) Okay, but we gotta make this quick Rarrrghh! - (groans) - (startled/impressed reactions) 'cause I'm about a quart low.
A quart low on what? This! He has to have it to live! Yeah, so come on, Doc, fill 'er up.
Will somebody Archer, shoot him! - What? No, he's my life's work! - Yeah.
Plus it doesn't do any good.
Look.
- Owww! - (Archer and Dutch chuckle) Dammit, Archer! You did that on purpose! - Come on.
- POOVEY: Seriously? - What're you doing? - Gettin' the hell outta here.
- Wh? No, you're not! - Well, ya say that Come on, man, jam it in there so I can start killing these shitheads.
(angry/fearful reactions) What? No, no, that's not what I - Jam it! - No! I won't have you become just another mindless killing machine! How, could you possibly think you're the boss of me? I'll show ya who's boss! - (groans) - How ya like that? - Meh.
- Well, then how about this! - Oof! - DUTCH: Woooooo! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on I'm going as fast as I can! - What about me? - What about you? Get me outta here alive, all right? And the ransom money, - we'll call it even.
- Yeah.
That's what you told Archer.
And look what good it did him! - Wait, wait, wait, wait - Rrrraagghhh! Ungh! Oh, my God, that really hurt.
(chuckling) Look at you, whining like your little buddy.
My what? Yeah.
The little limey dope-fiend.
When I gut-shot him and left him for dead.
- What? - (murmured reactions) Aha! Probably on Trexler's orders! What, no! I didn't He didn't tell me to do it.
Ow.
I did it just to see his light go out.
Goddamn.
Rrrraaaagh! Ungh! (chuckling) Plus he cut me off in traffic.
You Rrrnnnngh! - I'm sorry, what was that? - Grrnk! I couldn't hear you over the sound of your Adam's apple grinding against your spine.
- Grrnk - No, still nothin'.
Hurry up! Jesus, you people would stand in a bread line and ask for toast.
Wait, there's toast? - What? - Why would there be toast? - Why wouldn't there be? - KRIEGER: Stop it! Stop it! Don't you see? You're better than this! You don't have to be a killer! You can use your power for the good of all mankind! Yeah, I could.
But I was a murderer before you turned me into a freak, so, I don't know why you thought - this was gonna have a happy ending.
- But Now go make me some blue stuff! Ngh! Is is that your final answer? - (gagging) - Not if I have to come over there.
(sighs) Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.
Aktion! (dogs barking and growling) - Oh, God! - What is that? What-what is that? Sweet mother of God! (panicked reactions) Wait, what is this? - (screams) - (dogs snarling) Rrnk! Goddamn rrnk! (dogs snarling and gnashing) Ugh.
Now I don't even know if I want toast.
Aaghhh! No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Stop it! No! (chuckling) Holy shit.
Glad I don't have a flashback for that.
Down! Down! Down! Goddammit, do these muttz even speak Engl - God! - Jesus Christ! (sniffs) Achtung! Hunden! Aus! Aus! - Krieger? - I don't Hunden! Aus! Oh, for the Rrrrgh! (startled yips) (low menacing growls) (tiny whispered terrified reactions) Why on earth would you do that? They were ruining toast! (low menacing growls) Somebody do something.
(weary sigh) Well, I already threw a chair, so Then you go do something! (startled yelp) Archer, shoot them! No! They're all I have left! - (cat meows) - You don't count! Rrrrghh! (barking and growling) Rrrrrrghh! Aus! Aus! - Rrrghh! Grrghh! - (snarling and gnashing) (assorted reactions to the fight) (chuckling) Man, I don't know who to root against.
They saved your life! Still though.
(horrified reactions) Nooooo! - Rrrghh! Grrghh! - (dog snarling and gnashing) (horrified reactions) Rrgh.
(a wail, followed by sobbing) (crying) You, you saved my life! Rrgh And was it Was it because you love me? - Rrrgh.
- Oh, my God.
That is without a doubt, - the saddest thing I have ever heard.
- Rgh? I mean, in what kind of crazy dream-world could we ever possibly be together? (Archer chuckling) Jesus Christ.
- Should've shot her when I had the chance.
- Okay, well, everything seems under control here, so we'll just, um Uh, where do you think you're going? - Yeah.
With my money! - With my money! Well, thanks a lot, T-man! - What? - Drop the bag.
What did you call her? - T-man - Oh, hey, uh - But-but it's not what you think - Hey! - It-it means Treasury agent - Hey! Oh.
Although right about now I'm guessing she wishes it didn't.
- Son of a - Treasury agent? - Look - No, you look! (tense/wary reactions) Hey, be careful, it's got a - Zip it! - I - I can explain! - Yes.
Please explain what you've been doing in my bar for the past year.
Because either you were moonlighting as a singer just to make ends meet on a government salary, or you were working undercover to bring me down! Or both! Dun-dun-dun! Not helping! But if I were undercover, obviously my agency would be in the know, and so if anything happened to me, you'd (gunshot) - (groans) - Lana! What the shit, Mother? I, I didn't mean to! This damn thing's got a hair trigger! - That's what I was trying to tell you! - When? Before! Hair trigger my ass, gimme that! (gunshot) Oh, shit! - (groans) - Lana! Man, that is a hair trigger.
Goddammit, Poovey! How was that my fault? - La-Lana! - Archer? Shhh.
You're gonna be okay.
Somebody call an ambulance! Ugh.
I already threw a chair.
Archer I'm sorry.
Why-why-why are you sorry? I got blood on you.
Well, I blew a load on your dress, so - (gunshot) Ungh! - Poovey! I'm sorry! I (gunshot) - (startled/annoyed reactions) - Poovey! Goddammit! I (gunshot) - Drop the goddamn gun! - Okay! (gunshot) (angry reactions) (long, weary sigh) (scared whisper) Is she - Yes! - (big exhale) Whew! - What? - What? I was asking if she's okay.
(irritated reactions) No, Poovey, she is the exact opposite of okay! She's dead! Because she got shot seven times and nobody could possibly survive that! Not even in a parallel universe! What the hell are you looking at? No, just Okay, so she's dead.
Yes! She's dead! Forever and ever! On infinite (bleep) earths! (speaks German) Shut up! And gimme that! - Poovey, I'm giving you half.
- Of the money? - Wait a minute! - Are you nuts? But you have to promise to set those Chinese ladies up in business.
Oh, my God, I've got so many ideas! Whoa, whoa, whoa, who says you get to decide who gets the money? John Moses Browning.
Well, news flash, Mister Tough and Smart Guy, you're out of ammo! Wh Get him! Duh-huh.
(weary sigh) Goddammit.
- What? - What is it? There's no money.
Just these weird German nudie mags about sports and implied incest.
CECIL: There's no incest! They're all just really happy to be together, - and outside, and - TRINETTE: Naked.
Well, and healthy.
As a family.
Whatever.
Now is not the time.
Oh, right.
Sorry, Father.
Please continue.
(clears throat) And do you, Cecil, take Trinette to be your lawfully wedded wife? Mmmmmm Ow! I do! (weary sigh) So, I guess I'll see you around.
And so that's pretty much that, I guess.
Vengeance-wise.
And I, I don't know if you feel avenged, or if that even matters to you.
Tell you what I do know, is robot dogs? Jesus Christ.
And I know the case took a long time, but like you always said, I have a tendency to get sidetracked.
Which, honestly, was kinda shitty of you.
And the smart thing would've been to read your envelope full of clues and then start rampaging, but holy shit, I wonder if that was your will.
Although I can't imagine you having anything that I would possibly want.
I mean, I'll swing by your apartment and take a look around, but uh What else, what else? Oh, I brought you some heroin.
Hopefully some kids won't walk by and eat it.
Oh, and also, uh, a rock.
I didn't know if you were Jewish.
We never talked about that.
I guess mainly because you were so weirdly private.
But even so, Woodhouse.
Oh, I'm gonna miss the shit outta you.
(deep sigh) All right, I'll see ya.
I dunno, next week, or uh, you know what, let's play it by ear.
What the Hello? Hello? Hey, where the hell are you guys? Hello? Hello? Wait, what's this? (low mumbling) (explosive sob)