Black-ish (2014) s08e08 Episode Script

1 Love is a lot like the club.
In order to get in, you've got to be with the right person at the right time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah It doesn't always work out.
Baby, if you want me You've got to show me love And just because you're in the club, doesn't mean you're popping bottles in VIP.
You've got to show me love Only the lucky ones find true love that lasts.
It's a beautiful thing, Club Love.
I just wish everyone could get in.
Fellas, I got some big news.
- Hmm? - Yeah? I'm getting married this weekend! Wow.
Aw, hell.
Now they're letting anyone into VIP.
Y you're getting married? I didn't even know you were dating someone, or not already married.
Dre, now you know how famously private I am.
I'm very careful when it comes to my heart and my debt collectors.
But today, I'm so happy, I want to shout my love from the rooftops.
I am marrying Vivica A.
Fox! - What? - What? Wait, "Soul Food" Vivica A.
Fox? Uh, "Kill Bill" Vivica A.
Fox? "Booty Call" Vivica A.
Fox? "Two Can Play That Game" Vivica A.
Fox? Yes, darlings, all of those women.
Whoa.
- There's my Paisley Prince.
- Yes.
I just had to come in here and see your handsome face.
- Oh.
- Mwah.
Gentlemen, meet the future Mrs.
Charlie Telphy A.
Fox.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey! The moon to my stars.
Ooh.
He's the straw that stirs my drink.
The quarter to my parking meter.
The lemon pepper on my wings.
The toothpick that keeps my sandwich together.
- Okay, I feel like this could go on forever.
- Yep.
Uh, excuse me, I don't Uh, just one quick question.
- Don't take this the wrong way - Mm-hmm.
but why on God's green earth - are you marrying him? - Why? When you've spent your life around A-list actors, A-list athletes, A-list rappers, you want someone who's real, someone who reminds you of what's important.
Charlie opened up my heart.
- That's right.
- Aww.
And when you find that person, you don't want to wait another minute to get married.
That's why we're getting married on Saturday.
- Satur - What? Check your Spam folders for E-vites.
And if you're wondering, we're registered at Mercedes.
So, that night, we broke bread with Charlie and his new fiancée.
It was the least we could do, and it was Bow's idea.
I'm really glad we can do this without it being awkward between us.
Mm.
Who's "us"? What? It's okay, Bow.
I know Charlie had feelings for you, and I'm cool with it.
Why wouldn't he be attracted to a smart, talented woman? Because that woman is my wife? - Sweetie.
- Hmm? My ring doesn't cover my face.
Sharp and sexy.
You know, you really hit the Powerball with this one, Dre.
Oh, look at that.
I love her.
I love this woman.
Vivica Fox! Cheers! Hey.
Hey.
Hey, hey, Charlie, let's go grab a drink.
- Okay.
- Uh, Diane, could you take care of the dishes? - And, uh, Jack - Yeah.
can you put on that "grown folks" playlist that you curated? - Gotcha.
- Be right back, baby.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let me help you.
Okay.
- Thanks, Diane.
- Yep.
All right, I like to leave the utensils facing points up, just for fun.
Yeah, whatever.
Look here, little girl.
- Huh? - We need to have a talk.
That man in there means the world to me, and even the sound of your name makes the light go out in his eyes.
Yeah.
That's why I don't want you anywhere near my wedding.
- Vivica? - Ah, ah.
I said what I said.
Don't you try to play me, Diane.
Let me get one more slice of that delicious cake.
How many "Set It Off" cast members am I gonna feud with? Charlie, man, I've never seen you this happy before, but there is a sparkle in your eye, a pep in your step, and not a stain on your shirt.
Thank you so much for doing this for us, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, I really, really appreciate it, so much so, man, that I I want to ask you to be my best man.
I'd be honored.
Thanks, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
- I appreciate it, man.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- This is smooth.
Yep.
Make sure you bring a handle of this to the bachelor party.
- Mm.
- Bachelor party? Well, if you gonna throw one, I ain't gonna stop you.
Hey.
I have Thursday conveniently open while Vivica go gets her premarital wax, so get to planning.
- Okay.
- Y you know what, Charlie? I'll put something together for you.
- My man.
Thank you so much.
- Mm-hmm.
And it ain't got to be nothing special, nothing big, nothing like that.
Maybe you want to look into getting us on one of those civilian spaceship trips, that'd be cool.
- No.
- I mean, yeah, just surprise me.
It's all good.
If you asked a lesser man to plan a bachelor party in two days, you'd end up riding go-karts before your reservation at Applebee's.
But that's not how I roll.
What?! Oh, wow! - Come on, Dre! - Mm-hmm.
Oh! Reba McEntire's playing.
Can we go? Please? You have really outdone yourself, Dre.
Well Well, all I did was secure a suite, a rare tequila tasting, our own private blackjack table, and front row seats to see David Blaine stick a skewer through his cheek.
- Nice.
- Anybody could've did that.
Can you believe him? He literally opened up his laptop for five minutes and booked a concierge.
That's so your dad.
Tell her I'm also ripping up your Cirque Du Soleil tickets, son.
Not the circus - We're going to Cirque Du Soleil? - Hey, guys, bathroom break, and then we're gonna saddle up and take a ride around the casino.
- Oh-ho-ho! - Got it.
Bathroom break? Wink, wink.
I'll be right back.
This is all too incredible, Dre.
Hey, I'm the best man.
I don't half-step.
You know how to make a man feel special, don't you? And that same special feeling, I want Vivica to feel - when I put that ring on her finger, you know? - Mm-hmm.
So, if it's cool with you, I need to hold down 10 Gs, my man.
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
My best man.
Hell no.
What? Look, I got a Hollywood girl right now.
I can't be buying her no North Hollywood ring.
Charlie, are you out of your damn mind? What makes you think that I would let you hold 10 grand? Why wouldn't you? You're my best friend.
Who else would I ask? You think I'm your best friend? - Yeah.
- Charlie, how can we be best friends? I don't know your birthday.
I don't know your favorite color.
I-I've never been to your crib.
- Have you ever asked? - Come on, Charlie.
You're great, but we work together, man.
We're not frat brothers.
We don't vacation together.
I mean, I'm not even sure you get my Christmas cards.
Um I guess I made a miscalculation.
Okay, don't ask me why, but, uh, I got a lot more energy than I did before, and, uh, I'm gonna feel a lot sadder in about two hours, so let's party before this wears off.
- Come on! - Whoo! Come on! Party! Prostitutes! Whoo! Hmm.
- Babe.
- Hey.
So, I didn't get any phone calls from the credit card company about suspicious activity on our card.
Did you not have fun last night? - I did not.
- Oh.
But there's a reason I don't hang out with those people after the bank closes.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Here comes another Dre story.
What's Johan doing here? What? I can't come visit my favorite sister without you giving me a hard time? Mm.
Fine.
Had to leave India.
Told the wrong person to Namaste.
Ah.
That's more like it.
So, how was it, Dre? What happened? I mean, you guys must've been like red meat for the con-women.
You know what? Charlie lost his damn mind.
- Oh.
- He thinks he is my best friend.
- Your best friend? - Mm-hmm.
Dre, that's crazy.
You don't have any friends.
- Yeah.
- Yes, I do.
- Who? - I've never seen you converse with one friend.
Unh-unh.
Dre, come on, you lost your phone for three days, and the only missed call was from Domino's.
That's because my friend, Willie, works there.
Face it, Dre, since we've been married, you only hang out with me.
What? If anything, I have too many friends.
- Hmm.
- Charlie thinks he's my number one.
He's not even in my top 10.
Huh.
So, you think you have enough friends for a five-on-five basketball game? - I do.
- Name them.
- I will.
- Okay.
- T-Will.
- Mm-hmm.
Ronnie.
Ladarius, Tony.
Gigi, Sha, Cousin Gary.
- No.
- Pizza Willie.
That's Me.
Dre, you haven't seen any of those people in years, and one of them is dead.
RIP Tony.
Mm-hmm.
And you hang out with Charlie all the time.
Because of work.
All right? Babe, I'm like doughnuts in that office.
- Okay.
- Everybody loves me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Charlie ain't special.
Okay.
Great.
Now that we've solved that, I'll be in your bathroom.
- Hmm.
- I need to make sure no parasites followed me back from Bengal.
Yeah.
Ew.
All this stuff happened yesterday.
I mean, why do people read this? Hey.
Since we're not going to Charles' wedding, should we all get tickets to Splash Down Falls? Hmm? Look, they're double-bleaching the lazy river now, so no one should get an infection.
Oh, I'm going to that wedding.
Oh, yeah, me, too.
- I love love and free food.
- Mm-hmm.
So, you guys are just gonna leave Jack and I behind like we're not a part of this family? - I mean - Oh.
Mm Are you kidding me? Jack, I would never go to a party if you weren't invited.
You only go to parties if I'm not invited.
Well, you're unpopular.
That's not my fault.
Okay, I'm sorry, but you're on the haters list, not me.
Wow.
Why do you want to go so bad, anyway? - Yeah.
- I don't.
I couldn't care less.
Oh, sounds like you care.
You don't know me, hippie.
Okay, look, Diane, if you want to go to the wedding, you just gotta make things right with Charlie.
Yeah.
Vivica just wants him to be happy.
I mean, maybe if you and Charlie are cool, she'll be okay with you going.
Pass.
Enjoy your stupid wedding.
I hope it's a buffet and your table goes last.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
What happened with her and Charlie, anyway? Well, it's complicated, but it all started when Oh! Hey, babe.
Sorry, gotta take this.
Oh, yo, I am in front of family.
Bow made her argument, but it wasn't my fault that Charlie didn't understand what our friendship was and wasn't.
And truth? Everybody at the office thought I was their best friend.
James.
Can you explain to me this whole, uh, overnight oats thing? Uh, well, you just pour the milk on top of the oats and let them sit in the refrigerator overnight.
Oh, oh, what about the fruit? Do you put that on before, or do you put it on after? I don't know, man.
I didn't go to oatmeal college.
Oatmeal college.
Oh, wow, Maddie.
Look at this.
Uh, Bow is asking about doing Thanksgiving at her mom's.
Who's Bow? Come on.
I thought you knew that was my wife.
How would I possibly know that? Well, you know, Bow thinks we spend more time with my family, but it's not my fault that her family sucks.
You know, what am I to do to keep the peace? You should do whatever your wife wants.
She's not asking for much.
Yeah.
Marriage is a partnership.
Yeah.
It is.
But you know, her mom you know, she wears these hippie robes, and not all of them have belts on them.
So, when I come downstairs boom you know, everything is out there, and I mean everything.
I really think that's something you should talk about with your friends.
I-I thought we were chopping it up.
W we should go to that meeting.
- Uh - Yes.
- In the room.
- In that room.
In that room? Mm.
Okay.
Mother-in-laws.
Am I right? Okay.
Huh.
So, maybe my coworkers and I were still getting to know each other.
I still had more than enough friends to not miss Charlie.
I slept on it, and I came to the same conclusion.
Work is a place of business, not a clubhouse.
I will never find another lover sweeter than you Seriously, you guys don't know who Prince is? - Well - It's cool, Dre.
I got this.
- You know what word I miss? - Hmm? - "Colored.
" - Oh.
- Oh! - Whoo! Whoo! Okay.
No, no, no! What's up? It's not like you get that close to work friends.
This is exactly what I imagined heaven to be like.
This is my hell.
Hey, brothers! Y'all looking good.
Looking like the beginning of a Taye Diggs movie.
- I prayed for someone like you - Okay, Charlie! And I thank God And I definitely wouldn't consider coworkers family, even if they are there for every significant moment of your life.
What's wrong, Dre? You're looking pensive.
Uh, maybe this is just my pee face.
No.
I know your pee face.
There's something else going on.
Feel the same way, too Dre, when you asked me to come over here for barbecue, I thought it was to eat barbecue, not watch barbecue.
This is better.
Hello, Mama.
Charlie, how the hell did you get in here? This is not weird.
My mama's inside your baby.
Aw, damn.
Charlie is my best friend.
Grown men don't have best friends.
Unless it's a dog.
We're being raised by a 10-year-old.
I had broken my best friend's heart, but I knew I could fix it.
Oh Oh, hey.
Hey, have you seen Charlie? You know, I I wanted to apologize and, uh, let him know that I'm honored to be his best man.
Yeah, uh, it's a little late for that, Dad.
Uh, Charlie asked me to be his best man.
- What? - And his lawyer.
Told him not to let me handle the prenup negotiations.
Huh? What do you mean you're Charlie's best man? Listen, I'm sorry, Dad, but you blew it, all right? He turned to me.
Well, actually, he turned to his Starbucks barista, Brendan, but he had a prior conflict.
Although, he did send the entire wedding party their favorite drinks.
He's a great guy.
They go way back.
Anyway, I've already got the rings in my pocket, and, uh, in case you're wondering, you missed out on a very nice flask.
- Let me just talk to him.
- No, no, no, no.
I don't think so.
All right? Step away from the door.
You really hurt Charlie.
He was broken.
Luckily, Brendan and I were there to pick up the pieces.
Look, I know I messed up, but, Charlie, if you give me one more ch Mnh-mnh! Today of all days, Charlie deserves to be up there with someone he trusts.
But he trusts me.
Mnh-mnh.
Dad, don't embarrass yourself, all right? Now, I gotta go.
I gotta find "White Hennessy," which at first I thought was a liquor, but turns out to be a guest.
I had missed my chance to make things right with Charlie.
I messed everything up, and he was moving on without me.
I don't need this funky wedding.
Diane? What are you doing working this wedding? Well, I had to go incognito since Vivica banned me.
And can you believe she put my picture in every entrance? Like anyone could keep me from missing this train wreck.
Why you over here looking all sad? You know, Charlie's been a great friend to me, and I took it for granted.
Well, that's no big loss.
The guy's a dud.
No, no, no.
Diane, he's not, though.
He's funny.
He's loyal.
He He listens to all my problems, and he knows me better than anybody outside of my family.
And I never took the time to appreciate what we had.
Normally I would say forget him.
He's a drain of resources on this county, state, and humanity.
But it seems like Charlie means a lot to you.
While I disagree with that decision, it's not every day your friend gets married.
You're right, Diane.
Maybe the best thing that I can do for Charlie is to just sit back and watch my best friend get married.
That was some pretty mature advice you just gave me.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Well, I better get back in there and do place settings or Jerry's gonna have my ass.
Mm-hmm.
Even if Charlie didn't want me up there, I could still celebrate with him on his day.
Wait, so no one's gonna talk about Babyface officiating this wedding? - Shh.
- Like, we're just gonna let that rock? Shut up.
Welcome, family, friends, tender lovers.
- Aww.
- Mm.
So, the bride and groom have chosen to write their own vows.
Please.
Vivica, I promise to love and obey, and do anything that you want me to do, whatever it is.
I don't care.
I am not proud.
I would do it.
You just ask.
As long as you don't leave me.
My Charlie, I can't wait to spend my life with you.
You have made me the happiest woman in the world.
And I want to send a special shout-out to the Disney Corporation for allowing us to use this set from my upcoming film, "Holy Alimony", in theaters, streaming next June.
Soundtrack produced by Babyface, featuring the single, "What's Up, Prenup?" - Hey.
- That explains why Michael Ealy's in the program.
- Oh.
- Now, Charlie, do you promise to think of Vivica on two occasions.
That's day and night Would you go for broke if she could be with you? - Whoo! - Only you can make it right That was the happiest I'd ever seen Charlie, and that was the point of the day.
Everyone I want to thank everyone for coming out today.
I really appreciate you all.
Thank you so, so much, man.
And to my Uncle Roy's parole officer, thank you so much for bringing him.
- We really thank you.
- Someone's in jail? And to my beautiful, wonderful bride, this special dance is for you, baby.
Oh, h-hey, girl.
Yeah, I gotta take this.
What do you mean you gotta take this? Where are you going? We rehearsed this.
Who's gonna take your place? What are you doing here? Stepping up.
After all, I am your best friend.
That means a lot.
Thank you.
But, uh, what about them 10 Gs, though? Worry about that later.
Beat it Beat it Beat it Beat it No one wants to be defeated Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right Just beat it Beat it Beat it Beat it No one wants to be defeated Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right Just beat it Beat it Beat it Beat it No one wants to be defeated I got a lucky break.
In the end, I was able to be there for Charlie like he was there for me.
That's what best friends do.
Beat it What are you doing here? There are people here that will know if I go missing.
Relax, Charles.
I'm actually happy for you.
- This feels like a trap.
- It's not.
As a wedding gift, you and I are square.
Really? Okay.
Thank you, Diane.
You didn't let me finish.
You and I are square, till you get back from your honeymoon.
Then all bets are off.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
Wow.
To think this all started because y Charlie, the limo's here! Stay menacing, kid.
It looks good on you.
I'm gonna flood his house while he's gone.