Bones s08e08 Episode Script
The But in the Joke
Yes.
"Frenzied, "passion for art "is a canker that devours everything else.
" All these problems hanging above ya I'll answer, I'm proceeding To rub ya the wrong way Hate to hate to love ya Can't win a debate with Dubya especially When the company cap is Kenny lay me Sweatshops paying pennies a day 'Cause big bank take little bank anyway Spotted countries always going to war for many days Bush playin' Family Feud with Saddam Survey says, oops, you're out of time Whoa! Whoa! No more excuses or lies 'Cause only truth will survive In time we've borrowed it through All of tomorrow is you Dr.
Brennan, Agent Booth, he's coming around.
Hey, there, Michelangelo, you hear me? You shouldn't call him that, Booth.
If he had a head injury, he might think that's who he is.
Something's poking in my back.
And something smells terrible.
Do you know your name? Yes.
Okay, what is it? I'm not saying.
Told you.
You confused him.
No, I didn't.
I'm not confused, I'm just not telling you my name.
See, he's not confused.
Vitals are stable, no sign of concussion, but Who are you? Who are we? FBI, that's who we are.
Since when does FBI cover billboard vandalism? I'd like to begin my examination.
Ambulance guy says I'm okay.
Well, she doesn't mean you.
You're glued to decomposed human remains.
Huh? We're gonna flip you on the board.
Okay, let's do it.
You three grab the head.
What's on me? You two grab the feet.
Easy on the neck, okay? One, two, three.
This is weird.
Easy on the shoulder.
Take it slow.
What-what's on my back? Why is it sticking to him? Industrial strength adhesive.
I got it.
You know what, Bones, he was he was standing up there, sticking that to that.
He tripped over his bucket.
The buckets falls and he gets stuck.
Right? There's a dead dude stuck to my back? Bones, why can't we just, you know, peel them apart? The adhesive has had ample time to adhere.
Pulling them apart would rip off Michelangelo's skin, or worse, completely destroy the evidence.
Worse than ripping off my skin? Well, this could certainly be cause of death.
What? An anomalous projectile completed a transparietal trajectory.
Why can't you just be simple? Arrow through the head.
Murder.
Insect and rat activity is indicated.
We must be near an open sewer.
Oh, come on, man! Get it off of me! After we get back to the lab.
Yeah, it should give you and your new buddy some time to bond there.
We caught a good one.
We've been over this.
There's no such thing as a good murder.
Babe, I need your secret stash of peanut butter.
Hodgins, I bring in my peanut butter for a little comfort food every once in a while.
For comfort? Why? I got a ticket this morning.
Speeding? No, I turned right on a red.
Well, that's legal.
Not at Broadway and Nash.
It's like a police trap over there.
They just wait, like fishermen after trout.
I think you mean like a deer hunter at a salt lick.
Was there a sign? There was one, but it was really small.
Okay, well then, you definitely have to fight it.
Why? Because it's unfair.
Now, come on, if you can give me the peanut butter, then the Jeffersonian will reimburse you.
Shouldn't I just pay the fine and get on with my life? What? Where is the spark plug that I married? The spark plug you married conducted an unfettered sex life and never lived anywhere for more than a couple of years.
You want her back around? There's really no way to answer that without making you mad.
Babe, peanut butter.
Cover your eyes.
Are we allowed to laugh? No.
Okay.
What are we calling the one that's still alive? Well, Booth calls him Michelangelo.
Michelangelo worked on commission.
That's no kind of real artist.
Michelangelo's no kind of real artist.
Good to know.
Why won't you tell us your name? 'Cause I don't want you to know it.
Kind of obvious, right? Large, rugged pelvis suggests the victim was a Caucasian male.
I have a large, rugged pelvis? Boo-ya! Not you, the murder victim.
Upper margin formation on the pubic synthesis indicates early 30s.
The victim's C5 and C6 vertebrae have been fused.
Uncommon for someone that young.
Hmm.
If we find the doctor who performed the procedure, we can identify the victim.
How about the corpse that's trying to sodomize me? We have to separate Michelangelo and the corpse.
There we go.
What about a laser? No, no lasers.
I-I agree with the smart and beautiful angel.
Well, the smart and beautiful angel is gonna go find out who fused our victim's neck bones.
Okay, fracture lines from the obscured region and onto the zygomatic, indicative of a perimortem trauma to the facial bones.
The arrow's clearly visible on either side of the victim's skull, but it didn't actually pierce it.
Steve Martin? Michelangelo's real name is Steve Martin? It's a gag.
The ends of the arrows are connected to a plastic headband.
Steve Martin? No? It's a gag.
Thus, irrelevant.
Mr.
Fisher, find a way to separate Michelangelo and Steve Martin without damaging the evidence.
Okay.
Everyone here is this weird combo of smart and dumb.
Hey.
Dr.
Saroyan nixed the laser.
I knew she would, which is why I brought this.
Oh, God, what did he bring? Peanut butter.
Peanut butter? I'm not a piece of toast.
The oils in the peanut butter will break down the cohesion of the cyanoacrylates.
The glue will unstick.
This guy's gonna rub me down with peanut butter? Yep, and then cut off your clothes.
Um How's about she does that? Did you do that? No.
Oh, my God.
You're-you're Zed.
No, I'm not.
Y-You are.
You painted that.
It's you.
The artist Zed? What's a Zed? Zed's a legend, mysterious street artist that nobody's ever met.
My name is Seth Zalinsky.
Okay, well, at least we got his name out of him.
Come on, this mook isn't the elusive and brilliant Zed.
Look at him.
I know my rights.
You can't just pin me down and slather peanut butter all over my private self.
What if we sedate you? Depends.
What do you got? My name is Denny Bennet.
I'm the manager of Tele-Com Inc.
Telemarketing.
I filed a missing persons report on one of my employees, Morgan Donnelly, three days ago.
Why is he talking like that? I don't know.
The company lawyer told me to speak clearly, tell the truth, and I'd have nothing to worry about.
Right, well, you have one hell of a lawyer.
Did you find, uh, Morgan? Yes, he is dead.
Donnelly's dead? Dead, dead? We identified him by his neck operation.
He was murdered.
Oh, my God, that can't be.
How am I supposed to go on? Donnelly's my heir apparent.
I've been grooming him, and now I've got nobody.
What do you sell at Tele-Com? Everything.
Last few weeks, we've been selling a time-share in Muncie, Indiana.
Gateway to Indianapolis.
And he could sell that? Yeah, he can could sell anything.
Did anyone resent Donnelly? Enough to kill him? No.
Did he have difficulty with anyone? His girlfriend stormed into the office last Friday, hollered at him in front of everyone.
Claimed he was cheating on her.
Like she's one to talk.
Are you implying that she herself was unfaithful? Implying? Hell, I'll say it directly.
She was a cheater.
And how do you know? She cheated on me with Donnelly.
So, you're telling me that he stole your girlfriend.
Wow, that really must have pissed you off.
At first, but that was like, a year ago.
Wait, am I a suspect? Most definitely.
I want to talk to the company lawyer.
In a sign of good faith, why don't you cough up the name and the address of the cheater girl? I had to pry this peanut butter out of Angela's hands.
Apparently, she needed the comfort of some smooth PB this morning after being caught making an illegal right on red.
Ah, police trap.
Corner of Broadway and Nash.
Been there, done that.
I feel you know how when you wake up on Sunday morning, and you smell your mom making breakfast? Your dad's trying to make her dance to some ancient Tears for Fears song about shouting.
It's weird when the remains talk.
This is gonna work? Is that you, sweet chocolate angel? Oh, my God.
What did you give him? Some stuff for depression, mood swings, panic disorder Okay.
I don't want to know.
What I heard: cup of chamomile tea.
We're done.
Okay.
Hey.
You good for a few moments? I am good for eternity.
Let's go.
You here for my sponge bath? That would be transcendent.
Admit that Seth Zalinsky is not your only name.
Well, in high school, they called me tripod.
Oh, now I'm very sad.
You did this.
You're Zed.
Zed is not my nickname.
It's my alter ego.
Much bigger deal.
I'm very honored to meet you.
Really.
I mean, you are a wonderful, wonderful artist.
And you are really young, which is so much more impressive somehow.
I am totally babbling because I am starstruck.
That's what it is.
You want to make out? You know, time was I would have jumped you, but I'm a married woman now, so I'm just gonna kiss you because of who you are.
Okay? I felt something move.
Don't ruin my moment.
On my back.
I think the dead guy's separating.
You know, you really didn't have to come.
You said you wanted me to come with you.
Where are we going? We're gonna go talk to the hollering, cheating girlfriend.
No, I mean, my Prius has a voice-activated navigation system.
Oh, 709 Windsor Drive.
Enter an address.
Searching.
Now you don't have to unfold and refold a map.
Wait a second.
I like maps.
What's wrong with maps? Well, maps cannot tell you the amount of traffic you should expect en route to your destination.
Look at that.
See? Now we can relax, talk about interesting things.
This is not how the cowboys settled this country.
The cowboys didn't have antibiotics.
Do you also want to die from a skinned knuckle? Sometimes.
Cowboys didn't settle this country.
Farmers did.
Alexa! The FBI wants to talk to you! You know, you shouldn't feel bad about living with your sister.
The current trend of delaying marriage, along with the economy means that people have to adapt.
However, it does complicate the sex life.
Tell me about it.
Hey, I'm Alexa.
Can I help you guys with something? Like to ask you a few questions about Morgan Donnelly.
Here we go.
Mm-hmm.
I'm afraid he's dead.
Of course he is.
Did he get crushed by a falling anvil or something? No, that is not correct.
We believe you had an altercation with him a few days ago.
I find their upbeat demeanor highly suspicious.
This is a serious situation.
He may have been murdered.
Oh! Murdered! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, careful, Mr.
Fisher.
It's his hair, that's all.
Ah! There we go.
It is with great pleasure that I divorce these skulls.
Massive blunt-force trauma to the facial bones.
The victim's skull is totally smashed in.
Did I do that when I fell on him? 'Cause I didn't do it on purpose.
No, the fracture lines on the zygomatic bones indicate the trauma was sustained around time of death.
Which was five days before you fell on him.
Whoa, whoa, wait, there could be Whoa! blowflies.
That explains the constant buzzing.
You are a very calm young man.
Pharmaceutically enhanced calm.
Third instar larvae.
The victim die five days ago.
Five days ago was Friday.
The same day the victim's girlfriend accused him of cheating.
God, it's so weird when they move.
That felt good.
Almost as good as when that Asian chick kissed me.
Wait.
What? That Asian chick kissed me.
Let's clean Mr.
Zalinsky up, and in some kind of clothes.
Oh, come I already slathered him with peanut butter, plied him with pharmaceuticals, now I got to give him a sponge bath? What Asian chick did you kiss? The FBI really call in a psychiatrist because I laughed? Now you all think I'm some sort of psychopath? I'm actually a psychologist, Ms.
Eaton.
But, um, yes, Agent Booth called me because he was struck by your sudden mood swing.
I'm not a psycho! Can you tell me how you feel about Morgan Donnelly's death? Um, I'm very upset! Look at me.
Can you tell me why you laughed? Because I thought it was another one of Morgan's practical jokes.
He was a joker? Yes.
And I thought it was his way of totally making up after our fight.
What fight? A girl walked up and kissed him.
I figured he didn't need to enjoy it so much.
A girl just walked up and kissed him? Yeah, right on the lips.
Some tongue action, too.
She recognized him.
What? I was not aware that telemarketers attracted that kind of notice.
Morgan was a comedian, okay? The telemarketing gig, it was just temporary.
Okay, that explains the fake arrow through his head.
Morgan had an amazing sense of humor.
Girls like that in a guy.
Yeah, I always thought that that was a lie.
So, was Morgan's sense of humor the reason why you left his boss? Look, if you met Denny, you'd know why I went for Morgan.
You think Denny could have killed Morgan out of jealousy? After a year? Even Denny thinks faster than that.
Okay, and when was the last time you saw Morgan? He came over for dinner that same night, Friday.
And then I went to work.
I'm a bartender.
You can check that out.
Sure.
And then, when I came home, Morgan wasn't there.
I didn't kill Morgan.
I loved him.
You know who you should be looking for? Whoever put that arrow gag on his head.
That wasn't his? No way! He hated that shtick stuff.
His material was cerebral.
You wouldn't by any chance have footage of Morgan's stand-up? My brother, Elliot, recorded every show.
Mr.
Fisher, if we are to determine the murder weapon, it is of the uttermost importance that the remains be clean.
Dr.
Hodgins has a plan.
I don't know if you're aware, but I do a bit of stand-up myself.
I imagine you are not very skilled at it as you are not a humorous person.
My routine is dark, disturbing and uncomfortable.
Just the way a comedy show should be.
Notice the large number of chips and fragments.
Also how the chip itself is fragmented? Huh.
One blow created the chip, a second or a third shattered it again.
The victim was struck in the face several times with a blunt object.
Do you find that amusing? Amusing? No.
Darkly illuminating in a manner which allows us to laugh defiantly into the yawning abyss? That's hilarious.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to see the hilarity, but all I see is a man who was beaten in the face until he died.
Hmm.
Sorry.
Hey, hey, did you get anything off the laughing girlfriend? Oh, Alexa Eaton and her brother laughed because they thought you and Dr.
Brennan were a prank.
Oh, there's your motive for murder right there: practical jokes.
I mean, hey, everybody, you know, they hate practical jokers.
The victim was a stand-up comedian.
Well, that would explain, you know, the arrow through the head.
Mm-hmm.
The killer might have been another stand-up.
Where would you get that? Well, the arrow on the head could have been placed there as a mark of derision.
You know, an insult.
Whoa, whoa.
Why? That's a funny bit.
Yeah, it's a classic.
Uh, so I went through some of Morgan Donnelly's stand-up routine, came up with some interesting clues and insights.
Arrow through the head, that's a that's a funny gag.
Yeah, is, was, and always will be.
Let me know when you want to hear the rest of my insights.
I have visual aids.
Okay, great.
I laugh out loud all the time I see that.
The arrow through the head.
It's funny.
Who did all this stuff? Uh, what are you doing here? They told me I could sleep on the couch.
Did you paint this? Um Yes.
Yes, those are mine.
Why are you in my office? I don't know.
I think they roofied me.
It was pretty great.
I do remember your husband was peeved that you kissed me.
Oh, yeah.
Let me worry about Hodgins.
Middle-class, suburban hang-ups and sexual values.
What are you, like, 19? Oh, so you think my idealistic approach to art is adolescent? But it looks to me like you used to have some ideals of your own.
Before you got married, had a baby, started painting What the hell is that supposed to be? Uh Do you want me to call you a cab or No, I can find my own way.
I have since I was an adolescent.
Hmm.
You're the only person in the world who knows my secret identity.
Okay, Batman.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.
Let me guess, you're keeping it pure, right? You want to make it about the art and not about the artist.
Some things are easy to make fun of.
Doesn't mean they're not important.
I'll make you a deal.
You keep your lips zipped, and tonight, I'll take care of Broadway and Nash.
Okay, your secret is safe with me.
You have excellent technique.
Know what else is completely made up? "General anxiety disorder.
" Yeah, you know what this is? It's called "life.
" That's exactly what you need to do; get a life! Sir, if I've said anything to offend you, please, please know that I am delighted.
That heckler can be heard on several of the tapes.
Every single time, Donnelly humiliates him in front of the crowd.
How many times you hear the same heckler? About a dozen, and I haven't even been through all the tapes.
Is that normal? One heckler, time after time? I asked Fisher.
Fisher the intern? Fisher the comic? Fisher's funny? Not at all.
He's kind of an underground sensation, though.
It's brilliant.
Fisher said it's not normal.
If anyone knows heckling, it's Fisher.
Okay, how do we ID the heckler? Easy.
His name's Larry Baron.
He's another comic, crappy.
Him and Morgan hated each other.
Why didn't you just tell me that? You didn't ask.
Fine.
Where can we find him? He's the bartender at Laughtastic's.
Laughtastic's, great.
So, why did you tape all of Morgan Donnelly's stand-up routines? He was my sister's boyfriend.
He hired me.
He was my mentor, and I fed him lots of good ideas.
He said I was his muse.
Not in a creepy sex way or anything.
It was in a funny way.
Any way you think you could introduce me to Fisher? Probably not 'cause of the murder investigation, huh? Is it too weird? You're gonna get dermestid beetles in my peanut butter.
The beetles will eat what's left of the victim's flesh.
And for peanut butter, nothing beats Gromphadorhina portentosa, aka the Madagascar hissing cockroach.
So, this victim, did you ever hear of him? He was a popular comic.
Sure sign you've transgressed the unwritten rule of comedy.
I thought the only rule in comedy was to be funny.
Tragically, you're not the only one who thinks that way.
Well, if you ask me, it gets no better than the Stooges.
Unfettered psychopathic violence! Hilarious, right? Not really, when you put it that way.
Might I recommend, next time, watching with the volume turned off? The absence of the cartoon sound effects makes it much more violent.
Yeah, I know Morgan Donnelly.
Uh, you going to order a drink, or what? Yeah, we'll have some water.
Must be tough on a guy like you, huh? Serving drinks, has to watch other comedians on stage do their thing Are you kidding? That's like telling a Jew he doesn't want to be in Mecca.
In point of fact, Mecca is the center of the Muslim world.
It would be completely rational for a Jew to avoid Mecca.
Especially during hajj.
Yeah, I'm fine.
So okay? Morgan Donnelly's dead.
Yeah, I heard that.
It's terrible.
Is it true that he oe told you, in front of a crowd, that if he wanted to hear from an ass, he would have farted? Yeah.
He did say that.
He got a huge laugh, too.
We have proof that he humiliated you at least 20 times in front of audiences.
What? Oh I get it.
No, that wasn't a joke.
I know it wasn't a joke.
I know what is a joke and what isn't a joke.
I'm not sure you do.
Now, don't heckle him, Bones.
He might want to kill you next.
Oh, you got it all wrong.
Look, me and Morgan it was a setup.
Setup? He wanted you to heckle him? Definitely! Definitely.
All those lines that he used on me? You know, like the fart one? Or he's say, um "There's an alcoholic who should stay anonymous.
" I wrote all those.
Why? It was my way of, uh, getting laughs.
it made the audience like Morgan, you know, so it's a it's a win-win situation.
Right.
Well, thanks for your cooperation.
Come on.
Booth.
Yeah? The man in this flyer has a fake arrow through his head.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's Rex.
And let me tell you, now that Donnelly is gone, he's gonna get the Friday night slot, so that's got to make you suspicious, right? You comedians really stick together, huh? This could very well be the murder weapon.
Where's Rex now? Uh, he's warming up.
Where's your arrow through the head? Somebody stole it.
I never thought to report it directly to the FBI.
Who stole it? Could've been anyone.
That bit is classic.
I think I think so, too.
It is funny.
But my prime suspect: a so-called comic, so-called Morgan Donnelly.
Okay, why do you think he stole it? Guy's a natural thief-- props, jokes, women.
He steals it all.
He's dead.
Murdered.
Sorry to say, that was bound to happen.
You really do hate this guy, huh? Both personally and professionally, yes.
Whoa.
Rex's mallet tested positive for blood.
Positive for what? Blood.
Now, that's funny.
Yes, I kissed him.
Why? It wasn't a you-me kind of kiss.
This was a musty old auntie kiss.
Yeah? Well, your musty old auntie kiss is the best kiss that kid ever got.
Why are you being jealous? Because he's cool.
You know? And I'm not.
And, I don't know, if you ever leave me, it's gonna be for someone who's cool.
"Cool" isn't really a thing anymore.
Thank you for proving my point.
You still haven't told me why you kissed him.
Yeah, I I promised him I wasn't gonna tell anybody, and I will tell you, though, because you are not just anybody.
I kissed him because he's a great artist.
And his art is changing the world.
He's Zed.
Well, it's hard to argue with that.
You know what he said about my work? He said that I have "excellent technique.
" Well, that's great.
No.
No, honey, it's not great.
Well, "excellent" usually means great.
Brennan's got the murder weapon.
Okay, listen, just no more kissing any artists, or anyone else, for that matter.
Yeah? Are we good? Yes, honey, we are good.
You know why? Because I have excellent technique.
Which is not good.
Exactly.
Ready? Just reinserting the last few pieces of dentition.
Speaking of which, I found some slivers of tooth in some flesh that might have been a part of the victim's stomach.
Bashed in the teeth, swallowed the fragments? Makes sense to me.
So let's hear it.
Excuse me? You're a comedian, right? Can I hear one of your jokes? Oh, I don't do jokes, Dr.
Saroyan.
I do raw, unfiltered honesty.
Let me hear some raw, unfiltered honesty, then.
As you wish.
I am incapable of truly loving another human being.
For that reason, I will never sire an heir.
Okay.
Well, then.
Uh-oh.
We have a tad too much tooth.
Are you still doing your comedy here, or? No.
No, you literally have too much tooth.
Hold the laughs.
This is not tooth.
I'm back to my day job now, Dr.
Saroyan.
You don't have to laugh.
- What's that? - Visual aid.
Joke one: "I love to brag about how modest I am.
" That's not funny.
Mm-mm.
But it is both self-centered and self-deprecating.
Joke number two: "I dated a 14-year-old once but I was 14, too, so it wasn't a big deal.
" Okay, wait, so you're saying that our victim was a self-centered, self-deprecating child abuser? No, no, no.
I'm saying that joke one and joke two weren't written by the same person.
How can you tell? Well, the notion of taking a subject as disturbing as pedophilia, turning it on its head, to create something as sweet and innocent as young love tells me that this joke was probably written by a woman.
Hmm-mm.
Mr.
Cantaloupe said our victim stole the jokes.
I agree.
Okay, how does a comedian do that? Fisher says that open mike nights are the best place to steal fresh jokes.
Okay? Now, Laughtastic's has an open mike night.
And Donnelly was a judge.
Great.
I'll just go there and get the information.
Thanks.
How? How? How I usually do it.
I'll go there, ask some questions with Bones, and she'll be on the lookout for somebody with a limp, which means that they fell in love with a 14-year-old and we go home.
That's how.
Fisher and I have a better idea.
Fisher again.
You go to the open mike night.
You tell some of the jokes I've marked as stolen.
See if anyone gets mad.
Why me? Well, because I have to keep an eye out for subtle reactions from the audience, and Fisher's too well-known.
He and I have written some original jokes for you.
You pepper in some of the stolen stuff, see if anyone lays claim to them.
You and Fisher wrote me a comedy routine? Okay.
The blue jokes I wrote, all right? The yellow ones, stolen.
The black ones Fisher.
Yep.
You have about a half an hour.
What? "Is it just me, or are circles pointless?" What? Multiple radiating fracture lines originating on the glabella, terminated by fracture lines on the maxilla.
Just as we suspected, multiple blows.
I come bearing bad news.
The mallet was not the murder weapon.
Why was there blood all over it? False positive, from the peroxidase enzyme found in turnip juice.
I hate to think how many turnips this man bludgeoned to death.
What about Dr.
Saroyan's fragments? Ceramic.
Let's have Angela recreate the fracture pattern on the Angelatron.
Okay, I'll let her know.
Okay! All right, uh, let's give it up Are you nervous? I've had people try to kill me, Sweets.
How could cracking jokes make me nervous? Just remember to look relaxed, as though you own the stage.
Stop with the advice.
Just, please? Okay, Fisher's here.
If it looks like you're in trouble, he'll heckle you.
Why are you making such a big deal about this? Welcome to the stage for the first time Cee-Lo Booth! Seeley, not Cee-Lo.
Hey, what do you want? I went to public school.
So Good evening.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
You know who has a lot of great ideas? Lamps.
Ha! I hate my father.
I mean, not for what he's done to me, but for what he hasn't done to me.
Laugh.
Laugh at the emptiness of my pain.
Is it just me, or are circles pointless? Oh! So far this act is pointless.
All right, pal, you want to quit shooting your mouth off before I shoot it off for you.
Oh, my God, Booth is funny.
Almost funny.
I once shot an unarmed man.
I mean, sure, I shot off both of his arms, but still.
So I was at the trial, and the prosecutor says to me on the stand, "Did you kill that man?" I said, "No.
" He says, "You know what the penalty for perjury is?" I said, "Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder.
" Why-why am I even here? Fine.
So, uh well, how about the guy who invented tanning beds? I mean, the nerve! Who looks at the sun and says, "Hey, I can do better.
" I went to a cello recital the other night.
It was it was a solo show.
Meaning I was the only person in the audience.
Even I don't get that one.
Nobody likes a cello.
It's just a violin with size issues, which is also a joke I wrote, like the others that you stole.
FBI, you're coming with me.
Annie Pinkus.
Right.
So.
Quite a coincidence that you work at the same place as the murder victim.
Two comedians, working a telemarketing day job? Yeah.
Bizarre coincidence there.
Mm.
Were you having an affair with Morgan Donnelly? No.
Why? It says here Donnelly's girlfriend comes in ripping him a new one about a third woman.
Maybe you didn't know about either one of them.
Twice the jealousy, twice the motive? Three times.
See, he was stealing your jokes.
He deserved to die.
I was not sleeping with Morgan, and he was not stealing my jokes.
Well, I told a couple of your jokes.
You accused me of stealing.
Yeah, Morgan bought my jokes.
$25 a pop plus a piece of the back end deal if he went on Letterman, HBO, you know, whatever.
I could see why you didn't want to save those jokes for yourself.
I'm not funny.
I write funny, but I'm not funny.
Some people are funny, like you.
Others, like me, we do better off writing for the funny people.
So, you expect me to believe that Morgan Donnelly's death hurt your career.
Hells yeah.
He was about to move to New York, do comedy full time.
Is this the real deal or was this just the pipe dream? For reals.
He had bookings-- TV shows, clubs.
You can check it out.
Look, what you think is a motive for me to murder is actually the complete opposite of a motive for murder.
That's irony, and it's definitely not funny.
Capisce? So, after pulling out the postmortem damage that was caused by Zalinsky's skull, I used the intersections of the radiating fracture lines to determine that the facial trauma was actually a result of three separate blows.
Here are the results of the initial blow.
It appears that the force of this blow and the force of the blow that broke the victim's metacarpals are nearly identical.
The weapon is the same one that broke his metacarpals.
Please bring up the results of the second blow.
Um, fracturing to the dentition, mandible, maxilla, and zygomatic bones.
The killer either picked up a larger weapon to finish the job or he swung a lighter weapon with greater force.
Well, here are the results of the third blow.
Okay, I-I'm sorry.
I know what this looks like to you, but this entire sequence here, I-it's The Three Stooges.
It's classic comedy in three blows.
I mean, the weapon is gonna be a frying pan.
This strike caused fragments of the glabella to pierce the victim's brain.
Death blow.
Which is not funny.
No, it's not.
Based on the amorphous wound pattern, the murder weapon is curved upon its horizontal axis.
Curved, ceramic, like a large vase? Angie, I just sent you the results of the core sample I took from the shard of ceramic.
Was it a vase? Not unless it was a vase full of urine.
It's a toilet? Ding-ding-ding.
And the prize goes to the little lady wearing the blue lab coat.
Sorry, yeah, I-I got excited.
So, his head was smashed into a toilet? Classic.
The first blow occurred when the victim had his hand on the edge of the toilet.
His face was smashed into his hand.
Comedian was killed by a brutal swirly? So, he was draped over the toilet, puking, when he was killed.
I'm swirly.
So, how many toilets are there in the Metro D.
C.
area? Oh, uh, approximately five and a half million.
How is that you know that? There is approximately one toilet per person in the United States of America.
Do you want me to figure out how much time it would take to inspect each toilet? No, we don't have to do that.
Why not? Why? I'll just get, you know, a warrant for all the toilets that the victim used regularly, and we'll start with that.
And when I say "we," I mean Hodgins.
One million, two hundred and fifty thousand man-hours.
W-What? That's how long it would take to check out every toilet in D.
C.
Once you start with the math, you don't stop, right? I think everyone's like that, don't you? Yeah, I think so, definitely.
Go math! Math people forever, right? We got to go, got to go To the party Got to go, got to go To the hotel We got to go, got to go Yeah, come on, that's right To the party Come on, yeah Got to go, got to go To the hotel That's right There's gonna be some people there We got to go, got to go Where we gonna go? To the party Oh, that's right We got to go, got to go Where we gonna-gonna-gonna go? Oh, boy, come on We got to go, got to go Where we gonna go? To the party All right then We got to go, got to go Where we gonna go? To the hotel Let's hear it then, come on.
Tell us about the last time you saw Morgan Donnelly.
I already told the other young man.
I made him dinner here.
What did you make? Beef stroganoff.
Salad, ice cream.
Did you feel well afterwards? Yes, I went to work.
I was fine.
The FBI checked out my alibi.
You already know.
Was Morgan feeling all right when you left the house? He was fine.
He and Elliot were gonna watch some soccer game and write jokes about it.
Did your brother mention feeling sick the next morning? Why? Do you think my cooking killed Morgan? We have evidence that Morgan became ill that night.
It's very likely that he died while vomiting into your toilet.
Oh, my God, do you really think that I poisoned Morgan to death? No.
Morgan Donnelly died by someone smashing his head into the toilet bowl.
I want a lawyer.
And I want one for my brother.
Morgan was moving to New York.
That's not true.
What made him vomit? He was drinking a lot, you know, to work up the courage.
Courage for what? Tell my sister he was going to dump her and take off.
You didn't know any of this? So, it was a matter of defending your sister's honor? Not only.
I did all that work with Morgan and taped him.
He was supposed to helping me put my own act together, but he wasn't gonna.
He said something like, a comic has to be tough, make tough calls, and leave behind people he'd outgrown.
He's sitting there telling me all this stuff with a stupid arrow in his head.
I got mad and Poor Elliot.
I did what I did.
Then I wrapped him up in a shower curtain, drove him out to that woodsy area under the billboard.
Came back, cleaned up the bathroom, put the shower curtain back up and Okay, he's here, he's here, he's here.
What if he hates it? Angela, it's okay.
He's leaving.
Forget it.
Okay.
Hey! Zed! Zed! Man, shut up, okay? Do married people tell each other everything? Why didn't you paint something? Somebody beat me to it, man.
I got nothing better to say than she did.
You mean, you-you like it? I love it.
But your technique blows.
Hey, you can't you talk to her Hodgins it was a compliment.
Sweets told me that you were really funny at the comedy club.
Oh, he wrote me some jokes.
No, he said that you bombed when you told his jokes, but that the audience laughed when you got mad.
Wait a second, all right.
You're the one who said that comedy comes out of anger.
I have been a very good influence on the sophistication of your thinking.
I'm a very sophisticated man.
Laughter can also be made to make people helpless and vulnerable.
Perhaps that's why some comics say, "I killed tonight.
" Or, "I slaughtered them.
" Side-splitting.
Yes.
Exactly, humor is a kind of viol Oh, my God.
Don't move.
You have an arrow in your head.
No, Bones, it's a joke.
I'm sorry.
It was just You tried to scare me, but I scared you right back.
That is funny.
I was trying to make you laugh, okay? And then you scared me.
All right, that's not funny.
You and Sweets, you're not funny.
Wh Really? Well, will you tell me one of Sweets' jokes? Okay, fine.
You know who's good ideas? Who? Lamps.
Lamps yes.
Yes, yes, lamps have good ideas because they lightbulbs going on.
That's not funny.
That's really it's really funny, Booth.
One more, tell me another.
Okay, fine, is it just me or are circle pointless? Sweets is a genius.
Circles are pointless because they are round.
Get it? One more, Booth.
Pointless.
Booth? Booth? Booth? Booth? What's that mean?
"Frenzied, "passion for art "is a canker that devours everything else.
" All these problems hanging above ya I'll answer, I'm proceeding To rub ya the wrong way Hate to hate to love ya Can't win a debate with Dubya especially When the company cap is Kenny lay me Sweatshops paying pennies a day 'Cause big bank take little bank anyway Spotted countries always going to war for many days Bush playin' Family Feud with Saddam Survey says, oops, you're out of time Whoa! Whoa! No more excuses or lies 'Cause only truth will survive In time we've borrowed it through All of tomorrow is you Dr.
Brennan, Agent Booth, he's coming around.
Hey, there, Michelangelo, you hear me? You shouldn't call him that, Booth.
If he had a head injury, he might think that's who he is.
Something's poking in my back.
And something smells terrible.
Do you know your name? Yes.
Okay, what is it? I'm not saying.
Told you.
You confused him.
No, I didn't.
I'm not confused, I'm just not telling you my name.
See, he's not confused.
Vitals are stable, no sign of concussion, but Who are you? Who are we? FBI, that's who we are.
Since when does FBI cover billboard vandalism? I'd like to begin my examination.
Ambulance guy says I'm okay.
Well, she doesn't mean you.
You're glued to decomposed human remains.
Huh? We're gonna flip you on the board.
Okay, let's do it.
You three grab the head.
What's on me? You two grab the feet.
Easy on the neck, okay? One, two, three.
This is weird.
Easy on the shoulder.
Take it slow.
What-what's on my back? Why is it sticking to him? Industrial strength adhesive.
I got it.
You know what, Bones, he was he was standing up there, sticking that to that.
He tripped over his bucket.
The buckets falls and he gets stuck.
Right? There's a dead dude stuck to my back? Bones, why can't we just, you know, peel them apart? The adhesive has had ample time to adhere.
Pulling them apart would rip off Michelangelo's skin, or worse, completely destroy the evidence.
Worse than ripping off my skin? Well, this could certainly be cause of death.
What? An anomalous projectile completed a transparietal trajectory.
Why can't you just be simple? Arrow through the head.
Murder.
Insect and rat activity is indicated.
We must be near an open sewer.
Oh, come on, man! Get it off of me! After we get back to the lab.
Yeah, it should give you and your new buddy some time to bond there.
We caught a good one.
We've been over this.
There's no such thing as a good murder.
Babe, I need your secret stash of peanut butter.
Hodgins, I bring in my peanut butter for a little comfort food every once in a while.
For comfort? Why? I got a ticket this morning.
Speeding? No, I turned right on a red.
Well, that's legal.
Not at Broadway and Nash.
It's like a police trap over there.
They just wait, like fishermen after trout.
I think you mean like a deer hunter at a salt lick.
Was there a sign? There was one, but it was really small.
Okay, well then, you definitely have to fight it.
Why? Because it's unfair.
Now, come on, if you can give me the peanut butter, then the Jeffersonian will reimburse you.
Shouldn't I just pay the fine and get on with my life? What? Where is the spark plug that I married? The spark plug you married conducted an unfettered sex life and never lived anywhere for more than a couple of years.
You want her back around? There's really no way to answer that without making you mad.
Babe, peanut butter.
Cover your eyes.
Are we allowed to laugh? No.
Okay.
What are we calling the one that's still alive? Well, Booth calls him Michelangelo.
Michelangelo worked on commission.
That's no kind of real artist.
Michelangelo's no kind of real artist.
Good to know.
Why won't you tell us your name? 'Cause I don't want you to know it.
Kind of obvious, right? Large, rugged pelvis suggests the victim was a Caucasian male.
I have a large, rugged pelvis? Boo-ya! Not you, the murder victim.
Upper margin formation on the pubic synthesis indicates early 30s.
The victim's C5 and C6 vertebrae have been fused.
Uncommon for someone that young.
Hmm.
If we find the doctor who performed the procedure, we can identify the victim.
How about the corpse that's trying to sodomize me? We have to separate Michelangelo and the corpse.
There we go.
What about a laser? No, no lasers.
I-I agree with the smart and beautiful angel.
Well, the smart and beautiful angel is gonna go find out who fused our victim's neck bones.
Okay, fracture lines from the obscured region and onto the zygomatic, indicative of a perimortem trauma to the facial bones.
The arrow's clearly visible on either side of the victim's skull, but it didn't actually pierce it.
Steve Martin? Michelangelo's real name is Steve Martin? It's a gag.
The ends of the arrows are connected to a plastic headband.
Steve Martin? No? It's a gag.
Thus, irrelevant.
Mr.
Fisher, find a way to separate Michelangelo and Steve Martin without damaging the evidence.
Okay.
Everyone here is this weird combo of smart and dumb.
Hey.
Dr.
Saroyan nixed the laser.
I knew she would, which is why I brought this.
Oh, God, what did he bring? Peanut butter.
Peanut butter? I'm not a piece of toast.
The oils in the peanut butter will break down the cohesion of the cyanoacrylates.
The glue will unstick.
This guy's gonna rub me down with peanut butter? Yep, and then cut off your clothes.
Um How's about she does that? Did you do that? No.
Oh, my God.
You're-you're Zed.
No, I'm not.
Y-You are.
You painted that.
It's you.
The artist Zed? What's a Zed? Zed's a legend, mysterious street artist that nobody's ever met.
My name is Seth Zalinsky.
Okay, well, at least we got his name out of him.
Come on, this mook isn't the elusive and brilliant Zed.
Look at him.
I know my rights.
You can't just pin me down and slather peanut butter all over my private self.
What if we sedate you? Depends.
What do you got? My name is Denny Bennet.
I'm the manager of Tele-Com Inc.
Telemarketing.
I filed a missing persons report on one of my employees, Morgan Donnelly, three days ago.
Why is he talking like that? I don't know.
The company lawyer told me to speak clearly, tell the truth, and I'd have nothing to worry about.
Right, well, you have one hell of a lawyer.
Did you find, uh, Morgan? Yes, he is dead.
Donnelly's dead? Dead, dead? We identified him by his neck operation.
He was murdered.
Oh, my God, that can't be.
How am I supposed to go on? Donnelly's my heir apparent.
I've been grooming him, and now I've got nobody.
What do you sell at Tele-Com? Everything.
Last few weeks, we've been selling a time-share in Muncie, Indiana.
Gateway to Indianapolis.
And he could sell that? Yeah, he can could sell anything.
Did anyone resent Donnelly? Enough to kill him? No.
Did he have difficulty with anyone? His girlfriend stormed into the office last Friday, hollered at him in front of everyone.
Claimed he was cheating on her.
Like she's one to talk.
Are you implying that she herself was unfaithful? Implying? Hell, I'll say it directly.
She was a cheater.
And how do you know? She cheated on me with Donnelly.
So, you're telling me that he stole your girlfriend.
Wow, that really must have pissed you off.
At first, but that was like, a year ago.
Wait, am I a suspect? Most definitely.
I want to talk to the company lawyer.
In a sign of good faith, why don't you cough up the name and the address of the cheater girl? I had to pry this peanut butter out of Angela's hands.
Apparently, she needed the comfort of some smooth PB this morning after being caught making an illegal right on red.
Ah, police trap.
Corner of Broadway and Nash.
Been there, done that.
I feel you know how when you wake up on Sunday morning, and you smell your mom making breakfast? Your dad's trying to make her dance to some ancient Tears for Fears song about shouting.
It's weird when the remains talk.
This is gonna work? Is that you, sweet chocolate angel? Oh, my God.
What did you give him? Some stuff for depression, mood swings, panic disorder Okay.
I don't want to know.
What I heard: cup of chamomile tea.
We're done.
Okay.
Hey.
You good for a few moments? I am good for eternity.
Let's go.
You here for my sponge bath? That would be transcendent.
Admit that Seth Zalinsky is not your only name.
Well, in high school, they called me tripod.
Oh, now I'm very sad.
You did this.
You're Zed.
Zed is not my nickname.
It's my alter ego.
Much bigger deal.
I'm very honored to meet you.
Really.
I mean, you are a wonderful, wonderful artist.
And you are really young, which is so much more impressive somehow.
I am totally babbling because I am starstruck.
That's what it is.
You want to make out? You know, time was I would have jumped you, but I'm a married woman now, so I'm just gonna kiss you because of who you are.
Okay? I felt something move.
Don't ruin my moment.
On my back.
I think the dead guy's separating.
You know, you really didn't have to come.
You said you wanted me to come with you.
Where are we going? We're gonna go talk to the hollering, cheating girlfriend.
No, I mean, my Prius has a voice-activated navigation system.
Oh, 709 Windsor Drive.
Enter an address.
Searching.
Now you don't have to unfold and refold a map.
Wait a second.
I like maps.
What's wrong with maps? Well, maps cannot tell you the amount of traffic you should expect en route to your destination.
Look at that.
See? Now we can relax, talk about interesting things.
This is not how the cowboys settled this country.
The cowboys didn't have antibiotics.
Do you also want to die from a skinned knuckle? Sometimes.
Cowboys didn't settle this country.
Farmers did.
Alexa! The FBI wants to talk to you! You know, you shouldn't feel bad about living with your sister.
The current trend of delaying marriage, along with the economy means that people have to adapt.
However, it does complicate the sex life.
Tell me about it.
Hey, I'm Alexa.
Can I help you guys with something? Like to ask you a few questions about Morgan Donnelly.
Here we go.
Mm-hmm.
I'm afraid he's dead.
Of course he is.
Did he get crushed by a falling anvil or something? No, that is not correct.
We believe you had an altercation with him a few days ago.
I find their upbeat demeanor highly suspicious.
This is a serious situation.
He may have been murdered.
Oh! Murdered! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, careful, Mr.
Fisher.
It's his hair, that's all.
Ah! There we go.
It is with great pleasure that I divorce these skulls.
Massive blunt-force trauma to the facial bones.
The victim's skull is totally smashed in.
Did I do that when I fell on him? 'Cause I didn't do it on purpose.
No, the fracture lines on the zygomatic bones indicate the trauma was sustained around time of death.
Which was five days before you fell on him.
Whoa, whoa, wait, there could be Whoa! blowflies.
That explains the constant buzzing.
You are a very calm young man.
Pharmaceutically enhanced calm.
Third instar larvae.
The victim die five days ago.
Five days ago was Friday.
The same day the victim's girlfriend accused him of cheating.
God, it's so weird when they move.
That felt good.
Almost as good as when that Asian chick kissed me.
Wait.
What? That Asian chick kissed me.
Let's clean Mr.
Zalinsky up, and in some kind of clothes.
Oh, come I already slathered him with peanut butter, plied him with pharmaceuticals, now I got to give him a sponge bath? What Asian chick did you kiss? The FBI really call in a psychiatrist because I laughed? Now you all think I'm some sort of psychopath? I'm actually a psychologist, Ms.
Eaton.
But, um, yes, Agent Booth called me because he was struck by your sudden mood swing.
I'm not a psycho! Can you tell me how you feel about Morgan Donnelly's death? Um, I'm very upset! Look at me.
Can you tell me why you laughed? Because I thought it was another one of Morgan's practical jokes.
He was a joker? Yes.
And I thought it was his way of totally making up after our fight.
What fight? A girl walked up and kissed him.
I figured he didn't need to enjoy it so much.
A girl just walked up and kissed him? Yeah, right on the lips.
Some tongue action, too.
She recognized him.
What? I was not aware that telemarketers attracted that kind of notice.
Morgan was a comedian, okay? The telemarketing gig, it was just temporary.
Okay, that explains the fake arrow through his head.
Morgan had an amazing sense of humor.
Girls like that in a guy.
Yeah, I always thought that that was a lie.
So, was Morgan's sense of humor the reason why you left his boss? Look, if you met Denny, you'd know why I went for Morgan.
You think Denny could have killed Morgan out of jealousy? After a year? Even Denny thinks faster than that.
Okay, and when was the last time you saw Morgan? He came over for dinner that same night, Friday.
And then I went to work.
I'm a bartender.
You can check that out.
Sure.
And then, when I came home, Morgan wasn't there.
I didn't kill Morgan.
I loved him.
You know who you should be looking for? Whoever put that arrow gag on his head.
That wasn't his? No way! He hated that shtick stuff.
His material was cerebral.
You wouldn't by any chance have footage of Morgan's stand-up? My brother, Elliot, recorded every show.
Mr.
Fisher, if we are to determine the murder weapon, it is of the uttermost importance that the remains be clean.
Dr.
Hodgins has a plan.
I don't know if you're aware, but I do a bit of stand-up myself.
I imagine you are not very skilled at it as you are not a humorous person.
My routine is dark, disturbing and uncomfortable.
Just the way a comedy show should be.
Notice the large number of chips and fragments.
Also how the chip itself is fragmented? Huh.
One blow created the chip, a second or a third shattered it again.
The victim was struck in the face several times with a blunt object.
Do you find that amusing? Amusing? No.
Darkly illuminating in a manner which allows us to laugh defiantly into the yawning abyss? That's hilarious.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to see the hilarity, but all I see is a man who was beaten in the face until he died.
Hmm.
Sorry.
Hey, hey, did you get anything off the laughing girlfriend? Oh, Alexa Eaton and her brother laughed because they thought you and Dr.
Brennan were a prank.
Oh, there's your motive for murder right there: practical jokes.
I mean, hey, everybody, you know, they hate practical jokers.
The victim was a stand-up comedian.
Well, that would explain, you know, the arrow through the head.
Mm-hmm.
The killer might have been another stand-up.
Where would you get that? Well, the arrow on the head could have been placed there as a mark of derision.
You know, an insult.
Whoa, whoa.
Why? That's a funny bit.
Yeah, it's a classic.
Uh, so I went through some of Morgan Donnelly's stand-up routine, came up with some interesting clues and insights.
Arrow through the head, that's a that's a funny gag.
Yeah, is, was, and always will be.
Let me know when you want to hear the rest of my insights.
I have visual aids.
Okay, great.
I laugh out loud all the time I see that.
The arrow through the head.
It's funny.
Who did all this stuff? Uh, what are you doing here? They told me I could sleep on the couch.
Did you paint this? Um Yes.
Yes, those are mine.
Why are you in my office? I don't know.
I think they roofied me.
It was pretty great.
I do remember your husband was peeved that you kissed me.
Oh, yeah.
Let me worry about Hodgins.
Middle-class, suburban hang-ups and sexual values.
What are you, like, 19? Oh, so you think my idealistic approach to art is adolescent? But it looks to me like you used to have some ideals of your own.
Before you got married, had a baby, started painting What the hell is that supposed to be? Uh Do you want me to call you a cab or No, I can find my own way.
I have since I was an adolescent.
Hmm.
You're the only person in the world who knows my secret identity.
Okay, Batman.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.
Let me guess, you're keeping it pure, right? You want to make it about the art and not about the artist.
Some things are easy to make fun of.
Doesn't mean they're not important.
I'll make you a deal.
You keep your lips zipped, and tonight, I'll take care of Broadway and Nash.
Okay, your secret is safe with me.
You have excellent technique.
Know what else is completely made up? "General anxiety disorder.
" Yeah, you know what this is? It's called "life.
" That's exactly what you need to do; get a life! Sir, if I've said anything to offend you, please, please know that I am delighted.
That heckler can be heard on several of the tapes.
Every single time, Donnelly humiliates him in front of the crowd.
How many times you hear the same heckler? About a dozen, and I haven't even been through all the tapes.
Is that normal? One heckler, time after time? I asked Fisher.
Fisher the intern? Fisher the comic? Fisher's funny? Not at all.
He's kind of an underground sensation, though.
It's brilliant.
Fisher said it's not normal.
If anyone knows heckling, it's Fisher.
Okay, how do we ID the heckler? Easy.
His name's Larry Baron.
He's another comic, crappy.
Him and Morgan hated each other.
Why didn't you just tell me that? You didn't ask.
Fine.
Where can we find him? He's the bartender at Laughtastic's.
Laughtastic's, great.
So, why did you tape all of Morgan Donnelly's stand-up routines? He was my sister's boyfriend.
He hired me.
He was my mentor, and I fed him lots of good ideas.
He said I was his muse.
Not in a creepy sex way or anything.
It was in a funny way.
Any way you think you could introduce me to Fisher? Probably not 'cause of the murder investigation, huh? Is it too weird? You're gonna get dermestid beetles in my peanut butter.
The beetles will eat what's left of the victim's flesh.
And for peanut butter, nothing beats Gromphadorhina portentosa, aka the Madagascar hissing cockroach.
So, this victim, did you ever hear of him? He was a popular comic.
Sure sign you've transgressed the unwritten rule of comedy.
I thought the only rule in comedy was to be funny.
Tragically, you're not the only one who thinks that way.
Well, if you ask me, it gets no better than the Stooges.
Unfettered psychopathic violence! Hilarious, right? Not really, when you put it that way.
Might I recommend, next time, watching with the volume turned off? The absence of the cartoon sound effects makes it much more violent.
Yeah, I know Morgan Donnelly.
Uh, you going to order a drink, or what? Yeah, we'll have some water.
Must be tough on a guy like you, huh? Serving drinks, has to watch other comedians on stage do their thing Are you kidding? That's like telling a Jew he doesn't want to be in Mecca.
In point of fact, Mecca is the center of the Muslim world.
It would be completely rational for a Jew to avoid Mecca.
Especially during hajj.
Yeah, I'm fine.
So okay? Morgan Donnelly's dead.
Yeah, I heard that.
It's terrible.
Is it true that he oe told you, in front of a crowd, that if he wanted to hear from an ass, he would have farted? Yeah.
He did say that.
He got a huge laugh, too.
We have proof that he humiliated you at least 20 times in front of audiences.
What? Oh I get it.
No, that wasn't a joke.
I know it wasn't a joke.
I know what is a joke and what isn't a joke.
I'm not sure you do.
Now, don't heckle him, Bones.
He might want to kill you next.
Oh, you got it all wrong.
Look, me and Morgan it was a setup.
Setup? He wanted you to heckle him? Definitely! Definitely.
All those lines that he used on me? You know, like the fart one? Or he's say, um "There's an alcoholic who should stay anonymous.
" I wrote all those.
Why? It was my way of, uh, getting laughs.
it made the audience like Morgan, you know, so it's a it's a win-win situation.
Right.
Well, thanks for your cooperation.
Come on.
Booth.
Yeah? The man in this flyer has a fake arrow through his head.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's Rex.
And let me tell you, now that Donnelly is gone, he's gonna get the Friday night slot, so that's got to make you suspicious, right? You comedians really stick together, huh? This could very well be the murder weapon.
Where's Rex now? Uh, he's warming up.
Where's your arrow through the head? Somebody stole it.
I never thought to report it directly to the FBI.
Who stole it? Could've been anyone.
That bit is classic.
I think I think so, too.
It is funny.
But my prime suspect: a so-called comic, so-called Morgan Donnelly.
Okay, why do you think he stole it? Guy's a natural thief-- props, jokes, women.
He steals it all.
He's dead.
Murdered.
Sorry to say, that was bound to happen.
You really do hate this guy, huh? Both personally and professionally, yes.
Whoa.
Rex's mallet tested positive for blood.
Positive for what? Blood.
Now, that's funny.
Yes, I kissed him.
Why? It wasn't a you-me kind of kiss.
This was a musty old auntie kiss.
Yeah? Well, your musty old auntie kiss is the best kiss that kid ever got.
Why are you being jealous? Because he's cool.
You know? And I'm not.
And, I don't know, if you ever leave me, it's gonna be for someone who's cool.
"Cool" isn't really a thing anymore.
Thank you for proving my point.
You still haven't told me why you kissed him.
Yeah, I I promised him I wasn't gonna tell anybody, and I will tell you, though, because you are not just anybody.
I kissed him because he's a great artist.
And his art is changing the world.
He's Zed.
Well, it's hard to argue with that.
You know what he said about my work? He said that I have "excellent technique.
" Well, that's great.
No.
No, honey, it's not great.
Well, "excellent" usually means great.
Brennan's got the murder weapon.
Okay, listen, just no more kissing any artists, or anyone else, for that matter.
Yeah? Are we good? Yes, honey, we are good.
You know why? Because I have excellent technique.
Which is not good.
Exactly.
Ready? Just reinserting the last few pieces of dentition.
Speaking of which, I found some slivers of tooth in some flesh that might have been a part of the victim's stomach.
Bashed in the teeth, swallowed the fragments? Makes sense to me.
So let's hear it.
Excuse me? You're a comedian, right? Can I hear one of your jokes? Oh, I don't do jokes, Dr.
Saroyan.
I do raw, unfiltered honesty.
Let me hear some raw, unfiltered honesty, then.
As you wish.
I am incapable of truly loving another human being.
For that reason, I will never sire an heir.
Okay.
Well, then.
Uh-oh.
We have a tad too much tooth.
Are you still doing your comedy here, or? No.
No, you literally have too much tooth.
Hold the laughs.
This is not tooth.
I'm back to my day job now, Dr.
Saroyan.
You don't have to laugh.
- What's that? - Visual aid.
Joke one: "I love to brag about how modest I am.
" That's not funny.
Mm-mm.
But it is both self-centered and self-deprecating.
Joke number two: "I dated a 14-year-old once but I was 14, too, so it wasn't a big deal.
" Okay, wait, so you're saying that our victim was a self-centered, self-deprecating child abuser? No, no, no.
I'm saying that joke one and joke two weren't written by the same person.
How can you tell? Well, the notion of taking a subject as disturbing as pedophilia, turning it on its head, to create something as sweet and innocent as young love tells me that this joke was probably written by a woman.
Hmm-mm.
Mr.
Cantaloupe said our victim stole the jokes.
I agree.
Okay, how does a comedian do that? Fisher says that open mike nights are the best place to steal fresh jokes.
Okay? Now, Laughtastic's has an open mike night.
And Donnelly was a judge.
Great.
I'll just go there and get the information.
Thanks.
How? How? How I usually do it.
I'll go there, ask some questions with Bones, and she'll be on the lookout for somebody with a limp, which means that they fell in love with a 14-year-old and we go home.
That's how.
Fisher and I have a better idea.
Fisher again.
You go to the open mike night.
You tell some of the jokes I've marked as stolen.
See if anyone gets mad.
Why me? Well, because I have to keep an eye out for subtle reactions from the audience, and Fisher's too well-known.
He and I have written some original jokes for you.
You pepper in some of the stolen stuff, see if anyone lays claim to them.
You and Fisher wrote me a comedy routine? Okay.
The blue jokes I wrote, all right? The yellow ones, stolen.
The black ones Fisher.
Yep.
You have about a half an hour.
What? "Is it just me, or are circles pointless?" What? Multiple radiating fracture lines originating on the glabella, terminated by fracture lines on the maxilla.
Just as we suspected, multiple blows.
I come bearing bad news.
The mallet was not the murder weapon.
Why was there blood all over it? False positive, from the peroxidase enzyme found in turnip juice.
I hate to think how many turnips this man bludgeoned to death.
What about Dr.
Saroyan's fragments? Ceramic.
Let's have Angela recreate the fracture pattern on the Angelatron.
Okay, I'll let her know.
Okay! All right, uh, let's give it up Are you nervous? I've had people try to kill me, Sweets.
How could cracking jokes make me nervous? Just remember to look relaxed, as though you own the stage.
Stop with the advice.
Just, please? Okay, Fisher's here.
If it looks like you're in trouble, he'll heckle you.
Why are you making such a big deal about this? Welcome to the stage for the first time Cee-Lo Booth! Seeley, not Cee-Lo.
Hey, what do you want? I went to public school.
So Good evening.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
You know who has a lot of great ideas? Lamps.
Ha! I hate my father.
I mean, not for what he's done to me, but for what he hasn't done to me.
Laugh.
Laugh at the emptiness of my pain.
Is it just me, or are circles pointless? Oh! So far this act is pointless.
All right, pal, you want to quit shooting your mouth off before I shoot it off for you.
Oh, my God, Booth is funny.
Almost funny.
I once shot an unarmed man.
I mean, sure, I shot off both of his arms, but still.
So I was at the trial, and the prosecutor says to me on the stand, "Did you kill that man?" I said, "No.
" He says, "You know what the penalty for perjury is?" I said, "Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder.
" Why-why am I even here? Fine.
So, uh well, how about the guy who invented tanning beds? I mean, the nerve! Who looks at the sun and says, "Hey, I can do better.
" I went to a cello recital the other night.
It was it was a solo show.
Meaning I was the only person in the audience.
Even I don't get that one.
Nobody likes a cello.
It's just a violin with size issues, which is also a joke I wrote, like the others that you stole.
FBI, you're coming with me.
Annie Pinkus.
Right.
So.
Quite a coincidence that you work at the same place as the murder victim.
Two comedians, working a telemarketing day job? Yeah.
Bizarre coincidence there.
Mm.
Were you having an affair with Morgan Donnelly? No.
Why? It says here Donnelly's girlfriend comes in ripping him a new one about a third woman.
Maybe you didn't know about either one of them.
Twice the jealousy, twice the motive? Three times.
See, he was stealing your jokes.
He deserved to die.
I was not sleeping with Morgan, and he was not stealing my jokes.
Well, I told a couple of your jokes.
You accused me of stealing.
Yeah, Morgan bought my jokes.
$25 a pop plus a piece of the back end deal if he went on Letterman, HBO, you know, whatever.
I could see why you didn't want to save those jokes for yourself.
I'm not funny.
I write funny, but I'm not funny.
Some people are funny, like you.
Others, like me, we do better off writing for the funny people.
So, you expect me to believe that Morgan Donnelly's death hurt your career.
Hells yeah.
He was about to move to New York, do comedy full time.
Is this the real deal or was this just the pipe dream? For reals.
He had bookings-- TV shows, clubs.
You can check it out.
Look, what you think is a motive for me to murder is actually the complete opposite of a motive for murder.
That's irony, and it's definitely not funny.
Capisce? So, after pulling out the postmortem damage that was caused by Zalinsky's skull, I used the intersections of the radiating fracture lines to determine that the facial trauma was actually a result of three separate blows.
Here are the results of the initial blow.
It appears that the force of this blow and the force of the blow that broke the victim's metacarpals are nearly identical.
The weapon is the same one that broke his metacarpals.
Please bring up the results of the second blow.
Um, fracturing to the dentition, mandible, maxilla, and zygomatic bones.
The killer either picked up a larger weapon to finish the job or he swung a lighter weapon with greater force.
Well, here are the results of the third blow.
Okay, I-I'm sorry.
I know what this looks like to you, but this entire sequence here, I-it's The Three Stooges.
It's classic comedy in three blows.
I mean, the weapon is gonna be a frying pan.
This strike caused fragments of the glabella to pierce the victim's brain.
Death blow.
Which is not funny.
No, it's not.
Based on the amorphous wound pattern, the murder weapon is curved upon its horizontal axis.
Curved, ceramic, like a large vase? Angie, I just sent you the results of the core sample I took from the shard of ceramic.
Was it a vase? Not unless it was a vase full of urine.
It's a toilet? Ding-ding-ding.
And the prize goes to the little lady wearing the blue lab coat.
Sorry, yeah, I-I got excited.
So, his head was smashed into a toilet? Classic.
The first blow occurred when the victim had his hand on the edge of the toilet.
His face was smashed into his hand.
Comedian was killed by a brutal swirly? So, he was draped over the toilet, puking, when he was killed.
I'm swirly.
So, how many toilets are there in the Metro D.
C.
area? Oh, uh, approximately five and a half million.
How is that you know that? There is approximately one toilet per person in the United States of America.
Do you want me to figure out how much time it would take to inspect each toilet? No, we don't have to do that.
Why not? Why? I'll just get, you know, a warrant for all the toilets that the victim used regularly, and we'll start with that.
And when I say "we," I mean Hodgins.
One million, two hundred and fifty thousand man-hours.
W-What? That's how long it would take to check out every toilet in D.
C.
Once you start with the math, you don't stop, right? I think everyone's like that, don't you? Yeah, I think so, definitely.
Go math! Math people forever, right? We got to go, got to go To the party Got to go, got to go To the hotel We got to go, got to go Yeah, come on, that's right To the party Come on, yeah Got to go, got to go To the hotel That's right There's gonna be some people there We got to go, got to go Where we gonna go? To the party Oh, that's right We got to go, got to go Where we gonna-gonna-gonna go? Oh, boy, come on We got to go, got to go Where we gonna go? To the party All right then We got to go, got to go Where we gonna go? To the hotel Let's hear it then, come on.
Tell us about the last time you saw Morgan Donnelly.
I already told the other young man.
I made him dinner here.
What did you make? Beef stroganoff.
Salad, ice cream.
Did you feel well afterwards? Yes, I went to work.
I was fine.
The FBI checked out my alibi.
You already know.
Was Morgan feeling all right when you left the house? He was fine.
He and Elliot were gonna watch some soccer game and write jokes about it.
Did your brother mention feeling sick the next morning? Why? Do you think my cooking killed Morgan? We have evidence that Morgan became ill that night.
It's very likely that he died while vomiting into your toilet.
Oh, my God, do you really think that I poisoned Morgan to death? No.
Morgan Donnelly died by someone smashing his head into the toilet bowl.
I want a lawyer.
And I want one for my brother.
Morgan was moving to New York.
That's not true.
What made him vomit? He was drinking a lot, you know, to work up the courage.
Courage for what? Tell my sister he was going to dump her and take off.
You didn't know any of this? So, it was a matter of defending your sister's honor? Not only.
I did all that work with Morgan and taped him.
He was supposed to helping me put my own act together, but he wasn't gonna.
He said something like, a comic has to be tough, make tough calls, and leave behind people he'd outgrown.
He's sitting there telling me all this stuff with a stupid arrow in his head.
I got mad and Poor Elliot.
I did what I did.
Then I wrapped him up in a shower curtain, drove him out to that woodsy area under the billboard.
Came back, cleaned up the bathroom, put the shower curtain back up and Okay, he's here, he's here, he's here.
What if he hates it? Angela, it's okay.
He's leaving.
Forget it.
Okay.
Hey! Zed! Zed! Man, shut up, okay? Do married people tell each other everything? Why didn't you paint something? Somebody beat me to it, man.
I got nothing better to say than she did.
You mean, you-you like it? I love it.
But your technique blows.
Hey, you can't you talk to her Hodgins it was a compliment.
Sweets told me that you were really funny at the comedy club.
Oh, he wrote me some jokes.
No, he said that you bombed when you told his jokes, but that the audience laughed when you got mad.
Wait a second, all right.
You're the one who said that comedy comes out of anger.
I have been a very good influence on the sophistication of your thinking.
I'm a very sophisticated man.
Laughter can also be made to make people helpless and vulnerable.
Perhaps that's why some comics say, "I killed tonight.
" Or, "I slaughtered them.
" Side-splitting.
Yes.
Exactly, humor is a kind of viol Oh, my God.
Don't move.
You have an arrow in your head.
No, Bones, it's a joke.
I'm sorry.
It was just You tried to scare me, but I scared you right back.
That is funny.
I was trying to make you laugh, okay? And then you scared me.
All right, that's not funny.
You and Sweets, you're not funny.
Wh Really? Well, will you tell me one of Sweets' jokes? Okay, fine.
You know who's good ideas? Who? Lamps.
Lamps yes.
Yes, yes, lamps have good ideas because they lightbulbs going on.
That's not funny.
That's really it's really funny, Booth.
One more, tell me another.
Okay, fine, is it just me or are circle pointless? Sweets is a genius.
Circles are pointless because they are round.
Get it? One more, Booth.
Pointless.
Booth? Booth? Booth? Booth? What's that mean?