Duck Dynasty (2012) s08e08 Episode Script

[Willie.]
John Luke.
Hey? - John Luke.
John Luke.
- What? - Crush it! - [Quietly.]
Willie.
- [Willie.]
Crush it! - [Korie.]
Willie.
Willie, no coaching from the stands.
You're distracting.
I'm not distracting them.
John Luke's hair looks cute like that, doesn't it? - Come on it! - Yeah, I kinda want him to get it cut - for the wedding.
- You don't like long hair on a guy? If he keeps growing it, it's gonna be as long as mine.
- It is, that's true.
- That'll be awkward.
It's not awkward.
Put some spin on it! Sometimes it's awkward when your hair is as long as mine.
- You could wear a bandana.
- Yeah? - Look at my dad.
Look at me.
- Yeah.
Look at John Luke.
Oh, my - Good job, buddy.
- [Willie.]
John Luke, grunt more! Dad, I'm trying to play.
You need to grunt.
Willie, talk when the point's over with.
- Okay.
- I told you, babe.
- They're gonna kick us out.
- [Willie.]
Ain't kicking me outta here.
All right, I can be a little vocal when it comes to John Luke's sporting events.
But one of my basic duties as a father is coaching my son.
- Come on, John Luke.
- What? - Crash it! - You're not the coach.
- Crush! Crush! - Dad.
Dad! - Crush it.
- [Grunts.]
[Groans.]
Willie! Saying nothing at all during my son's match? There's a word for that.
It's called "neglect.
" - [Korie.]
Willie.
- [Willie.]
I'm not saying anything.
Sit down.
- Crush it.
- Willie, just sit down.
So the way I see it, I'm just being a good parent.
All right, John Luke, this is match point, right here.
[Encouraging chatter.]
- You got this.
- I don't know if he does or not.
There you go.
[Willie.]
Come on.
Crush it! Good shot! There you go.
That's what I'm talking about.
- Good work.
Good work, guys.
- You did good.
- Good game.
- Looking good out there.
- Crush it next time.
- He won.
Korie, anybody can beat them, Crap.
Oh, gosh.
[Willie.]
It's who you're playing against.
- When your mom and I used to play - When's the last time y'all played? Shoot, we played, like - We play all the time.
- We should play together.
Yeah, we should play.
You got the Best in the West winner right here.
- Uh, I don't know.
- We could play doubles.
It's be fun.
Yeah! Let's play.
Every time we do this, you get hurt.
- That is true.
- No, I don't.
You do get injured a lot.
Professional athletes get hurt every week.
So, in a way, I'm kinda like that.
- [Sucks teeth.]
Okay.
- Don't worry about me.
- All right.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- Don't cry whenever I beat you now.
You ain't playing against seventh grade boys here.
- Willie, he won.
- You play like that when you play us, you're gonna get drilled.
[Theme music.]
[Ducks quacking.]
Hey, that's a pretty good trophy.
It ties the room together.
Shouldn't it be gold instead of brown? Why did Willie bring this trophy in here? He did not.
I took it out of his office and brought it in here.
He's probably going nuts looking for it.
Si! That trophy weighs more than you.
Hey, you look at that poof! Look at his arm shaking.
Hey, that's because there's so much power in there.
That's a bunch of horses ready to be released.
Look, this is a herd of them! - Okay, waiting to be released! - [All laugh.]
It's a charley horse waiting to be released.
- Ouch! I ain't scared of nothing.
- [Si.]
That's solid iron, boys.
[Imitates powerful grunt.]
Oh, yeah.
So you used the dolly? Is that what they call it, stupid thing that's got wheels on it? - Yeah, it's a dolly.
Yeah.
- [Si.]
A dolly? Okay.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
[All laugh.]
[Jase.]
With the annual Duck Commander 500 NASCAR race coming up, some of us are having trouble focusing in the duck call shop.
All I wanna be is the Grand Marshal of it.
- I don't think you got what it takes.
- What're you talking about? - No.
No! - Yeah.
I could care less who really is the Grand Marshal, but Si thinking he's the most qualified - And I've got it, boys.
is just crazy.
The Grand Marshal is a man that has got a lot of, what, showmanship? - Swag.
- Swag.
I've got showmanship and swag.
[Jase.]
The man is loud enough on his own.
The last thing he needs is a live microphone.
All I wanna do is drive one of them things.
Me, too.
One of my buddies is testing today out at the track.
Will he let us drive it? Let me see if he's still out there.
He ain't gonna let you drive it.
What're you talking about, not let me drive it?! You're one stop away from never having a driver's license - for the rest of your life.
- No.
I'm afraid I'd put some of them clowns in the wall.
Who took my trophy? Hey, can I be the Grand Poohbah of the race? What? I wanna be the Grand Poohbah.
- Grand Poohbah? - Yeah.
- I don't even know what that is.
- The Grand Marshal of the race.
Talking about: "Gentlemen, start your engines!" - Denied.
- That's a big mistake, a big fat one.
Why is that a big mistake? You talking about mistakes? Look at what you got on.
- [Si laughs.]
- Snow camo on shorts? For your information, I'm going to play tennis with John Luke and Mary Kate.
- You're gonna get your tail strapped.
- Or break something.
- I want that back in my office.
- We'll get on that right before we go drive an actual race car.
My buddy's got a car we might be driving.
- In town? - Yep.
- I'm gonna put somebody in the wall.
- Count me out on that.
- All right.
- Quit getting stuff out of my office.
- [Godwin.]
Uh-oh.
- [Jase.]
What happened? - Uh-oh.
- Boom! Ronnie said come on out, boys! Really? Heck yeah! [Si.]
I gave y'all fair warning, boys.
Somebody's going in the wall.
[Willie.]
Crash it! [Willie.]
Yeah! Practice serves.
Any time.
- [Korie.]
Willie.
- Spread your wings like an eagle.
- Don't talk in the middle of my serve.
- Little high.
You need to turn into an eagle.
I've never heard anybody say "do eagle.
" You've never had a professional lesson.
- Hey, are we gonna play? - Okay.
We're loose.
[Korie.]
I'm really happy John Luke and Mary Kate decided to play tennis with us, but I'm a little bit concerned that Willie could be taking the competition a little too seriously.
- [Grunts.]
- [Mumbles.]
A swing and a miss! John Luke may be used to his dad's competitive spirit [Willie.]
No pressure, Mary Kate! - [Makes flatulent noise.]
- [Mary Kate.]
Oh, my gosh.
[Korie.]
but I think he could actually be scaring Mary Kate.
- [Willie.]
Ooh! - [Shouts.]
Like a little mouse coming to the cobra.
- What is "the cobra"? - It's me, coming up behind the net.
- [Makes explosion noise.]
- [Korie.]
Willie may think he's teaching them a lesson about marriage and tennis - The cobra, the eagle - That's how you teach.
and cobras and eagles, but the only thing they're actually learning is how not to act on the tennis court.
And the old people win.
Well, another one we've won.
Two-zero.
All right, I know what y'all are going through.
You think it's over.
This is a good lesson.
Just like in marriage, you have to stick with it.
See, your mom, she's kind of an old tennis player, but we play together as a team, and basically are kicking y'alls butts.
And y'all should be embarrassed.
You get the lesson? Okay, you just said I'm old and they should be embarrassed.
- It was a little fuzzy.
- They should be embarrassed.
- I said you're an "older" tennis player.
- That is not encouraging.
- John Luke, did you get the lesson? - I got it.
[John Luke.]
Let's play some tennis.
[Willie.]
Look, just 'cause I'm playing my son and his fiance, doesn't mean I'm gonna take this match lightly.
In fact, it's just the opposite.
- [Willie laughs.]
- [Mary Kate.]
Ohh! [Willie.]
Good job, Mary Kate.
I can't think of a better metaphor for the struggles of marriage than getting crushed in a couples tennis match.
Crush it! [laughs heartily.]
- [Mary Kate.]
John Luke, we got this.
- You don't have this, Mary Kate.
I'm doing this out of love.
The bigger the beat down Korie and I serve up [Mary Kate.]
Uh-oh, go.
the more they're gonna have to learn to work as a team and gain the necessary skills for marriage.
- You just standing there? - Don't hand it to them at the net.
- Good job.
- Good night.
Skills like communication You need some oxygen? Maybe we can get you one of those tanks.
I'm running all over the court.
You're just standing up there.
admitting when you're wrong - Nope.
- How far? - It was out by a mile, Dad.
being supportive - Net.
- The eagle was sleeping on that one.
and complimenting each other's weaknesses.
- [Willie.]
Crap! Sadie.
- Oh! If you actually hit the ball in she'll stop calling it out.
- [Makes flatulent noise.]
- [Korie.]
Willie.
One day, they're gonna look back at this butt-kicking - That's game.
- Two-to-one.
and thank me for my coaching, on and off the court.
- Oh! - [Sadie.]
Oh! Home run! - [Wincing.]
- You all right there, cobra? Mmm, it felt like a cobra just bit my shoulder.
I'm feeling a comeback.
[Sadie.]
Hey, just let me know if you need me to come in for you.
[Willie.]
Sadie, pipe down.
- [Jase.]
This is awesome! - [Godwin.]
Every redneck's dream.
- Okay, pit this time.
Pit this time.
- [Jase.]
Okay, shut her down.
- [Engine revving.]
- [Men chattering.]
Okay.
Talk about a grand entrance.
- Good! - [Whoops.]
Smile, guys.
You're on camera.
Hey! All my friends are here.
Why take it loud, Danny? What? [Si.]
Look, guys, this ain't my first time around hi-tech vehicles, all right? I drove a Deuce and a Half in Vietnam for crying out loud.
All right, guys, before we hit the track we're gonna learn about pit road action.
Look, when something broke, hey, we didn't need no fancy pit tools.
We were the tools.
A couple of pumps, and there you go.
[Si.]
No jack? Hey, no problem.
Look, that's what these puppies right here were for.
[Makes clicking sound.]
- Hey.
- Installed.
My teeth, they can fit any size lug nut.
Tire needed air? They're called lungs.
- Let's see what you got, Godwin.
- Be careful with that, it's loaded.
- [Men chatter.]
- [Drill gun whirs.]
[Softly.]
Hey.
I was so good at it, okay, hey, my lieutenant, he said I was the biggest tool in the company.
- Put the gun down, and step away.
- Okay, going down.
Hey, you talk about high praise, boys.
We got one more thing we still need to do.
We jack the car up, we still gotta get fuel in the car so we can race.
I don't know about car gas, but, hey, human gas, this is your boy.
- [Jase.]
He don't look like much, but - That's right, but he's deadly.
I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I'm the best farter in the duck call room, but everybody else will.
Jep is now attempting the gas man.
Here, son, here.
- [All shout.]
- [Si.]
Back off! You got a match? - Sprung a leak! If we were all X-Men, there's no doubt my superpower would be farting on command.
- Hey! - We got about five laps on the ground here in front of us, so we're cutting into y'all's driving time now.
- That ain't good, Jep.
- What would my superhero name be? The Wind Warrior.
Fantastic Fart.
The Gust of Death.
Sloppy gas man.
[Liquid spills.]
Don't mess with me because it's coming.
It's coming.
- [Passes gas.]
- And hell's coming with it.
You know, a regular NASCAR crew team, this would be grounds for getting fired.
- Better to be fired than on fire.
- Yeah, fire does happen.
Yeah.
All right, who wants to drive this thing? [All.]
I do! - I wanna drive! - All right, let's fire this sucker up.
Maybe we should move it from the gas.
No, we'll burn out on that.
I hope you guys end up driving a lot better than you are at putting fuel in the car.
[Jep.]
Some people are born drivers, some were born to be crappy gas men.
[Willie.]
Crush it! [Grunts.]
- [Willie.]
- [Sadie.]
The kids made quite a comeback, but the elders still have match point.
[Willie.]
Game set, point.
[Groans.]
[Groans again.]
- [Groaning.]
- [John Luke.]
Serve the ball! Willie may have started this match trying to share some pearls of wisdom, with John Luke and Mary Kate - [Korie.]
Oh, no.
- Crap.
- Oh, shoot.
- Oh! but now I'm not even sure he's gonna make it through the match, let alone teach them anything.
Dad looks like he's falling apart.
All right now, you're not on Dancing With the Stars anymore.
The only person learning a lesson here is Willie.
Ooh! Always stretch before physical activity.
- About to pass out here.
- You can ice it later.
Now come on.
[All grunt.]
Get it.
- You got it.
Yours.
Here's - [Willie cheers.]
- Oh! Game! - [Korie.]
Whoo! [Sadie.]
Set, match: The elders.
[Shoes squeaking.]
[Groans.]
[Willie.]
Look, I may not be able to lift my arm for a week or two, but beating them two youngsters made it all worth it.
And it was also nice teaching them about marriage and stuff like that.
[Korie.]
This is what 20, 30 years of marriage looks like.
[Willie.]
And if nothing else, they at least learned to enjoy their youth.
And their healthy rotator cups.
Trust me, they don't last forever.
[Racket clatters.]
These shoulders, they run in the family.
- [Groans.]
- Excuse me, sir, don't lean on the nets.
[Willie.]
You just gotta struggle through the pain.
It's just like marriage.
You gotta [groans.]
- And, uh - Work as a team.
- Good game, kids.
- [John Luke and Mary Kate.]
Good match.
[Groans.]
[Ronnie.]
All right, guys, this is what we've been waiting for all day.
What we've been leading up to.
So here's our chance to drive and race a car today.
What we're gonna do is we're gonna run three laps and The winner gets to be the Grand Marshal.
- Really? - Yeah.
[All chattering.]
Swing your right leg in first.
[Si.]
Swing it in there and sit down.
It's real easy.
There you go, there you go.
- No, that's all.
- He's hung, boys.
- All right, I'm out.
- You look like a race car centaur.
Godwin, I guess you're gonna be up next.
Oh, yeah.
Look, race cars are designed to be fast.
- [Grunts.]
- Uh-oh.
And when you want to be fast, you gotta be light.
- I can't reach the pedals.
- [All laugh.]
- [Martin.]
Can you move the seat up some? - The seat don't move.
And you can't be light when you're the size of a walrus.
- [Si.]
Jep, how ya feel? - I feel strong, boys.
- He's feeling strong.
- [Ronnie.]
All right, here we go.
- [Engine starts.]
- [Ronnie.]
Give it a little pump of gas.
- [Jase.]
Oh, yeah! - [Si.]
Let's back off here.
All right, Jep.
Good luck.
Now it's mine, Jep.
Told to take it around for three, boys.
Ease off the clutch, give it a little gas, you should go.
[Revs engine.]
- That's all, that's all.
All right! - That's all.
- Time is ticking.
- Start the clock! I'm pretty terrified of driving this thing right now.
[Si.]
Give it some gas! There you go, give it some gas! I spilled a lot of gas on myself trying to fill this thing up.
Especially around my nether regions.
- [Ronnie.]
Get on the gas.
You're fine.
- Oh, yeah.
[Ronnie.]
Ooh! This is like the pace car.
[Jep.]
If I push this thing too hard, it might burst into flames along with my shorts.
All right, come in for the checker.
Come in for the checker.
- Coming in for the checker, boys! - Come on by! And I like these shorts along with what's under them.
Your fastest time was a 38.
2 - [all laugh.]
- I think I could run that.
- Is that fast? - [Ronnie.]
Uh If you was running a 2.
5 mile track in, let's say Daytona or Talladega, it would be, but not on Three-Eights Mile.
Wanna see somebody go fast? - You need to get him out.
- All right.
[Jase.]
So Martin and Godwin were disqualified.
For complications due to size.
- Ow.
- [Jase.]
Jep's driving around, like he's leading a parade.
And Si is probably gonna put the car in the wall.
So I basically have this wrapped up.
Okay, you're ready to go.
Give it a little gas.
- Come on, Jase! - [Tires squeal.]
- [All chatter excitedly.]
- [Godwin.]
Hey, look at him! Besides forfeiting, I don't think there's any way that I could not win this race.
Hey, put it in the next gear, son! He gonna blow it up! - [Ronnie.]
Okay, go to third gear.
- [Jase.]
What? [Ronnie.]
You're in second gear, you need to go to third gear.
You're in second! What everybody needs to realize, it's not even about being Grand Marshal at all.
[Si.]
He's better than you are, Jep! I just wanna win this race.
- [Si.]
All right, boys.
- That's a 28 second lap.
Pretty good.
- He beat by ten seconds.
- That's bad.
My earplug fell out.
I could just hear: [Rambling sounds.]
You're not very good.
I realized I only had it in second gear.
I'm glad you realized that, because I was scared the motor was fixing to explode.
How do you like your chances? They're looking real good right now.
[Clicks teeth.]
Real good.
Si, this is way more scary than you think.
All right, I gotta go make a pit stop for I run.
I gotta go make a pit stop.
He does that when he gets nervous.
[Si.]
Jase, what was your time? Twenty-eight seconds, I'm not real proud of it.
I'm gonna beat that by a minute, son.
- [Scoffs.]
- You're going down.
- Find fourth gear in a hurry.
- You're going down.
- And stay alive.
- You're going down.
Everybody's big talk before they take off.
Uh-oh.
- [Groans.]
- Oh, here we go.
- Why didn't y'all call me? - How'd you even know we were here? Jep sent that selfie.
Surprise.
- [Willie.]
You letting Si ride this car? - Looks like it.
You realize he's blind and old as crap? Hey, y'all get the fat boy off the track before I can do my three laps.
- Good luck, Si! - I'm next! Last Minute Robinson, start your engines! [Engine struggles to turn over.]
[Engine revs loudly.]
- [Jep.]
Oh, no! - And he's off.
- [Men chatter anxiously.]
- [Martin.]
He's in the grass.
- [Jase.]
He went in the grass? - [Martin.]
Yeah! Hey, look, in the racing world you always hear guys saying, "Hey, I got the need for speed.
" Hey, I got something even better than that, okay.
I got the obligation for acceleration, okay.
[Ronnie.]
Okay, you're taking the green flag this time by.
[Godwin.]
You boys are in trouble.
After I win today, I might as well go join NASCAR and win that one too.
All right, he's going now.
That was a fast lap.
The only issue I can see right now is holding my bladder for three hours during the race.
[Ronnie.]
You're in fourth.
You're good.
You're in fourth gear.
I might have to wear a diaper or use my tea glass in an emergency.
[Ronnie.]
Looking good.
Come on around.
[Si.]
Hey, look, I'm not the only racer that's went the diaper route.
Why do you think they call Dale Earnhardt "Junior"? It's 'cause he wears a diaper.
[Ronnie.]
Looking good.
Keep on the bottom, come on, come on, Si.
- Come on.
Come on home.
- [Si.]
Uh-oh.
- [Godwin.]
What's that? - [Jase.]
He's slowing down.
[Si.]
Piece of junk! [Jase.]
That's all of it.
Uh-oh, I think we're out of fuel.
- There ain't no gas in it.
- [Jase.]
Si, you ran outta gas.
It's a good thing, 'cause I was fixing to open this puppy up.
[All laugh.]
You did great once you got out of the grass.
- [Men chatter.]
- [Si grunts.]
Don't break a rib, Si.
- Good grief.
- [Ronnie.]
Twenty-six seconds.
Congratulations, Si, you got the fastest time of the day, man.
I'm happy and proud of you.
Good job! Does that mean I get to be Grand Marshal? - You do.
- No, this ain't finished, son.
- I still gotta ride in it.
- What're you talking about? - We have no gas.
- You need more gas? We were practicing pit stops earlier in the day, Willie.
And all of our gas is on the ground over there.
Does that make me Grand Poohbah? - [Willie.]
No, no, no.
- We had a bet, Si won.
Yeah, Willie.
To the victor goes the spoils.
- Here you go.
- On the NASCAR circuit, they do it with milk, but Oh, God [Ronnie.]
Hard to believe y'all ran out of gas.
[Si.]
All right, let's get out of here, boys.
Hey! That's best one I've done, boys.
[Crowd cheering.]
- Y'all ready to see a race? - [Crowd shouts.]
Drivers, start your engines! - [Cheering.]
- [Emcee.]
Please remain standing as Sadie Robertson offers our invocation.
Dear God, I just come to you today and I just say thank you so much for getting us all here safely.
I pray for the weather to hold off the rain, and thank you for this beautiful day.
God, please be with all the drivers.
Thank you for everything you've given us.
And let this all be in your name.
In your name we pray, amen.
[Crowd cheers loudly.]
[Willie.]
It's easy in life to let your competitive nature get the best of you, even the best of us get too caught up in the competition to have fun in the moment.
Or, never get caught up in the moment at all, because your idiot brother poured five laps worth of gas on his pants.
So while there's something to said for a hard-fought victory, don't forget to enjoy the moments that make it up.
Especially the moments before you shred every ligament in your shoulder.
[Si.]
Hey, Willie.
Next year, can I drive one of the cars and tell everybody I'm the Grand Poohbah? - [Willie.]
Nope.
- [Si.]
Hey, I'll take that as a maybe.