It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s08e08 Episode Script

You were disrespectful to me.
That's the past.
God, get a life.
This is my life, bitch.
You bitch! Aw, you slut.
Ah, hold still, Charlie-- you're flickering.
Sorry, it's I'm trying to get you good images, but I keep getting shocked a little bit.
Well, don't let that affect your work.
No, I'm really trying not to.
It's just that, you know, I have to run the wires from the other building Building and, you know, there's asbestos in the ducts, which Good for breathing, so I'm tired.
Why are you watching this crap? Come on, turn the TV off.
Let's go out, let's do something-- I'm bored.
Hey, let's go dancing, huh? I want to do something.
Dancing? We're watching Real Housewives.
You know, there's nothing real about this shit, Frank.
You know that, come on.
Real women don't even look like that.
Hey, guys.
That is what real women look like.
Dee, are you sick? No, I feel great.
Oh, I haven't had a chance to shower for a few days.
I've been gaming like a loon.
You've been what? Gaming-- I've been playing this online video game.
It is awesome.
Charlie, speaking of which, you want to come play my avatar for a little bit while I run some errands? I don't want my crops to die.
Nah, I'm kind of busy working for the guys at the ele Shit! Yes, he's working for us.
He will do nothing of the sort.
We're going dancing.
Come on! What if I give you three bucks? Hey, you're our employee.
You do what we say.
I pay your rent.
Do not drop those wires! Hey, Charlie, to live is to dance.
Let's go.
Charlie, what if I gave you five bucks? You owe me five bucks! Ah, shit! Screw it! Son of a bitch! Shit! All right, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go with Dee, okay? But I'm getting sick of this shit, I really am.
You treat me like a dumb-dumb and a grunt, and I have potential, you know? I can go places, I can do things.
Who knows? I might even rule the world one day.
Rule the world, huh? Yeah, if that happens, I'll blow myself.
Okay, so it's called TechPocalypse, right? And we're post-apocalypse, and we have to rebuild civilization.
This is me, ZingingCutie23.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down! ZingingCutie 23.
Are you pretending that you're 23 years old? - No.
- It seems like it.
No, I It's I It's a random number that I picked.
It's a random number? It's a number to put at the end of that.
You know what? Just watch over my tribe, and make sure nobody, you know, takes it over, and I'll give you your money, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Wait.
Hold on a second.
What is that? That's you.
You're one of my subjects.
That's me.
Why am I in the game? Is that Mac? Of course that's Mac.
You guys are all here.
See, Mac's my handmaiden.
How do you do? How do you do? And Dennis is a midget blacksmith.
Frank is a mutant half-donkey.
And you're my jester.
Why am I eating out of a trough? Made sense.
Are you kidding me? So let me get this straight.
You've been playing this game for, like, a week straight just so you feel like you lord over all of us? Is that what this is? Charlie, do you want your five bucks or not? I want my five dollars.
It's just pathetic, Dee.
Okay, well, maybe it is.
Maybe it isn't.
I really do need the money, though.
Yeah, well, then get to work.
Can you give me an advance? No, not in advance.
We'll see how well you do.
All right, I got this.
I got this.
Yeah.
See, this is what I'm talking about, guys, huh? I mean, playing online video games and watching stupid reality shows-- that's not real life.
It's keeping people from experiencing real life.
Yeah? This is real.
It's real, but it feels weird as shit.
There's nobody else in the bar dancing.
We're setting the tone, Frank.
Yeah, we will lead, and others will follow.
I'm stopping.
Oh, come on, don't stop.
Look, all right, let's go do some shots, and that will get you guys fired up, and we'll come back out, and we'll do some more of this or whatever.
You know, you can do the move, and well, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Hey, uh, bartender, three shots of whiskey, come on.
Hey, I know you guys.
You're the donkey man and the princess, right? We don't know what you're talking about.
Take a hike, Bozo.
Geek.
Check it out.
Look at this.
This is this is you, right? This-this is Frank and-and Mac from ZingingCutie's tribe? What the hell is this? This is Dee's online video game, and she's created characters for all of us.
She's humiliating us virtually.
Who cares? It's a video game.
What do you mean, who cares? This is starting to piss me off.
Stop getting invested in fake realities.
Let's live real life! Well, Dennis, my anger feels very real.
Are you feeling it? Are you feeling it? Yeah, well, it's not real.
It's not.
I-I-I I'm angry.
Okay, it's not real, and you know what it also isn't? It also isn't epic, okay? And you know what is epic? Doing these shots, going out there and dancing.
Come on, do it, do the shots.
I'll do the shots.
I'll just do the shots.
How about that? Mm-hmm.
Oh, somebody got a smart phone.
Okay, you know, I tell you what, Carl.
Let's settle for a C trade.
We'll call it a day on that.
I got to run.
ZingingCutie44 is back, so I'm out.
Changed your name.
What the hell are you doing, Charlie? I told you to just feed my crops.
I did, I fed your crops, and then I gathered some rocks, and I built a little wall around your tribe.
Then I used the leftover rocks to dam the river so that you could fish.
Now you're doing well in the game.
You sucked at it, all right? All you did was spend your money on stuff you don't need, just like in real life.
I don't do that in real life.
Yes, you do.
What did you get at the store? I bought a smart phone so that I can play the game on the go.
What's going on with the fingernails? Well, I had those done like Flo-Jo.
Why?! It's craziness.
I just thought it would be funny.
I Dee, this is your problem.
I could take this money, I could feed myself for a month.
I would buy milk, I would buy flour, I'd buy vitamins, I'd boil them down to little energy balls to sustain me, but whatever.
Forget it.
Enjoy your game, enjoy all your new followers, and you're welcome.
Oh, shit! Charlie, you got me 31 new followers? Yeah.
That's amazing! Hey, do you want to maybe team up? No, 'cause I don't want to be a slave.
Come on, Charlie, please.
I need you.
It's, like, when I'm doing good in the game, I'm doing good in life.
Oh, I want to make fun of you for saying that, but I kind of know what you mean.
It's like I'm thriving.
You are thriving.
Yeah, I did feel that, and I You felt that? I did, I felt that, you know, and I never get to thrive.
I want to be the guy who thrives for once.
Right? Me, neither.
All right, I'll tell you what-- make me your king, and let's get rocking.
Ew, no.
I don't want to do that 'cause we'd have to be married, and that would be awful.
Oh, okay, I'll see you later.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
I'll make you my king; just accept my request to consummate.
Consummate? What is that? Have sex.
Oh.
So, um, we should have sex then? In the game.
Yeah, in the game, sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Either way.
Uh, so, push enter hard, or one, like, slow push, and you do your thing, or a little circular action? Just push the button, Charlie.
Just push the button.
That was good, right? Was it? I think.
You see me, Frank, you see me coming? I see you, I see you.
Oh, here comes another guy.
I'm gonna fight him.
Mac attack! Fight! I lost again! Goddamn it, how do I keep losing? I'm huge.
Stop fighting every guy in the game.
The fighting is the best part.
It's the only reason I'm playing.
Oh, my God, will you guys please shut up? I'm hungover as shit.
We're playing TechPocalypse.
Mac is a soiled fool, and I am a gorgeous girl with big cans and I'm banging all the fishermen in sight for fish and I'm also being catty with all the women in the game, like I'm a Real Housewife.
Look, Dennis, I-I'm six-foot- ten.
I have always wanted to be six- foot-ten.
Hey, look, Mac, you're five- foot-nine, and Frank, you're a man-- an ugly, old man! You're not understanding this, Dennis, but I think I have something that could help you wrap your head around it.
I've never had my hair cut in a bedroom.
Well, one thing I've learned from cutting hair all these years, Danielle, is you don't have to go to a high-end salon to get a high-end salon-quality cut.
Little spritz? Why are we watching Dennis' sex tape? Shh.
It's cold.
I know.
Well, we'll make it hot in a minute, don't worry about that.
Well, don't Well, it's always-- there's always so much, so much preamble.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
Oh, oh, um, all right.
All right.
Whoa.
Now, Dennis, how does this make you feel? Powerful.
Yes, of course, but how does it affect you sexually? I'm very aroused right now.
I, too, am aroused.
I'm starting to swell up.
Yeah.
See, now all three of us are aroused, and there's not a woman in the room.
See, this is no different than sports or video games.
It's all a virtual experience.
No, no, no, bullshit, this was real, okay, this happened, I did this.
All right, I drew this woman in, I styled her hair, I entered her with almost no resistance.
I did these things.
You say it's real, but what even is reality? Yeah, who knows? We don't even know if we're in this room.
We could be in a turtle's dream in outer space.
What are you talking about? I'm gonna go out into the real world again today and have real experiences.
I'm gonna draw those people in to me, okay? A turtle's dream.
That's crazy, lunacy.
So, tell me something, Queen of Thrones, how about we stop being enemies, we start becoming friends here, huh? Charlie, I just got a new nose and I'm flying to Miami to get my lips inflated.
Can you hang on one second? What, Dee, what are you buying? How are you paying for that? We have plenty of money.
I know we have money.
We have money because I All right, you know what? Yes, fine, buy your lips, buy your noses, buy whatever you're gonna buy.
All right, don't interrupt me when I'm running our tribe, okay, 'cause that's kind of a big deal.
I know, I'm sorry.
All right, so don't interrupt.
Okay.
Do me a favor, refill my bowl of energy balls, okay? Please make yourself useful.
Sorry about that, Queen of Thrones, let me step into my office here.
Hey, bitch! Frank, you are SweetPeaches69? How did you get so many followers? What can I say? Some girls are more popular than others.
Are you wearing a mink coat? What, this old thing? Guy gave it to me for going down on him.
I've been getting a lot of gifts lately.
I just got sent a whole box of peaches-- real ones.
I'm eating like a goddamn islander.
I'm living a pretty classy life these days.
Ooh, you should come to my party.
I'm gonna meet a lot of my online friends there.
It's gonna be a very classy affair, but you can come anyway.
Well, look, we can sit here, we can talk cheesesteaks all day long, but maybe you and I could get together at my bar, settle this thing once and for all.
Charlie, we got to talk.
Whoa.
We're going to a party-- a real one-- Frank's throwing it.
Yes, I know what's going on.
I know everything that's happening.
Do you know he has a bunch of followers? Do you know that he's parading around in a mink coat, and he humiliated me? I'm a queen, okay? I should be the one wearing mink and I should be throwing digs at him.
You know what I mean? I should have a lot more followers.
You want mink, Dee, you want a mink coat? You want a nice, real mink coat, not a virtual one like Frank? Don't dick around with this.
Are you serious? I am dead serious.
I trade with a guy online; he has a clothing store.
I'm sure I could give him some crops, maybe a follower or two, and he'll give you a mink coat.
For me? Would you like that? I would love that.
You, you would like that, wouldn't you? You know how that's not gonna happen? What? It's not gonna happen if I'm not playing the goddamn game! Because when I'm not playing the game, people are attacking our tribe, okay, and that's a lot of pressure, that's a lot of stress.
It's too much for you.
And we could lose everything, we could lose everything that we have worked for-- everything! I wasn't thinking.
No, you're not really the thinking kind, though.
I'm kind of the thinking one in the relationship, so Right, thank you.
Be pretty, you know, talk to me right.
Yeah.
Get my energy balls.
Unbelievable.
Hey, Charlie, we need to talk, dude.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the soiled fool.
Frank told you about that? Uh, no, everyone's talking about it online; it's hilarious.
You destroyed your computer, you bashed it to bits.
I'm assuming it got you in the eye-- is that what's going on there? It bashed me back a little bit.
Yeah, you should win those fights, you shouldn't lose I did win, I did win, it just got a couple of good shots in.
It did, yeah.
Hey, Charlie, hey, listen, I want to tell you something.
Um, Dee Yeah? You're not going to offer our guest any? Of course I-- of course, that's what I was doing.
Yeah.
Hey, Mac, hey, did you, did you want an energy ball or two? Yeah.
Go ahead, have as many as you want-- is that enough? That's-- yeah, that's good.
There you go, okay.
Okay, you need to fuel up.
Have a bunch of balls.
Yeah, I do, thank you.
Okay, thank you.
Okay-- don't touch.
No, now I know.
Right, yeah.
I didn't mean that.
And stop groveling, just Let me know if you need You're not pretty when you do that, so Wow, you, like, totally psychologically, like, annihilated her.
Yeah.
You're good at building, I'm good at destroying.
We should totally team up.
Wait, you know what? Can you do me a favor? Can you watch her for a little while while I go meet a girl that I met online? A real girl? Yeah, a real girl.
She's probably fat, right? Probably very fat, yeah.
If she's got any fat friends, I'm, I'm in.
If she has any fat friends, I'll let you know.
Or ugly.
Yeah, or ugly.
If they're sick, that's fine, too.
Yeah, or ugly or sick or, or male or female or whatever it is that you like.
That's not the point.
Like, the point is, you know how women get.
You know, she catches wind that I'm meeting a girl, she's going to go Oh, totally, totally.
I hate women.
Yeah, I-I know that you feel that way, but do what I'm asking and then I can help you out with the game.
Okay, do what? Watch Dee.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Hello, hi.
Anyone? Come on, hello, hi.
God, it's unbelievable.
Does anybody want to experience this? Anyone want to experience me? For real? Oasis Sensory Deprivation.
Enter a new dimension.
Change your perception.
Experience a new reality.
Experience a new reality.
Stop getting invested in fake realities! I'm six foot, ten.
You're five foot, nine.
What even is reality? This is real.
How do you do? We could be in a turtle's dream in outer space.
What is real? Is this real? Am I? Who are you? Oh, I'm you.
Huh.
That's an amazing accent.
I like yours as well.
I think I know what reality is, but maybe I don't.
Everything in life is becoming more and more virtual.
Aw, don't be such a wanker.
Life is all in your mind.
If you believe it to be real, then it's real.
I'm so confused, British Dennis.
You create your own reality.
I've known beggars to be kings and kings to be beggars, all because they believed it so.
It's your choice.
It's my choice.
It's your universe.
It's my universe.
And you are God.
I am God.
Oh oh oh, no okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Charlie? Hey.
Julie, right? The Queen of Thrones! The second most powerful player in the game.
And you are the Mighty Rat Slayer.
'Tis I, 'tis I! It's nice to meet you! Yeah, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to tidy myself.
You know, when you're playing the game, you get caught up and Have a seat! Have a seat! Wow, this is It's cool to meet someone from the game, you know? I brought you something.
You did? It's nothing, really.
It's just, um the best cheesecake in Philadelphia.
You dog! Uh, I'll be the judge of that, all right? You little rascal, you.
Uh, I don't normally meet people from the game, but you seem like such a nice guy.
Thanks, yeah, yeah, you know This is embarrassing, but I got you something too, you know? I don't want I don't want to make you feel weird but here.
Oh, how thoughtful.
I wonder what it is.
It's not much.
Just a box of spiders.
What the hell? Well, while we've been sitting here, my followers have burned your land, they've raped your people, and they've destroyed your tribe.
You thought you could make a move on me, Queen of Thrones? Well, you were wrong.
What? I just wanted to have lunch with you.
Oh, right.
Oh, let's have lunch because we're hungry and we want to eat food.
Bullshit! You think I'd give up all this for lunch? You stupid, fat pig.
I'm not fat.
No, you're not fat, but you were you were supposed to be.
My friend Mac said you would be fat.
Whatever.
You're a dick.
And your breath smells like dog food.
Whatever, you bitch! I got the power now! I'm doing good in the game, so I'm doing good in life! Oh, look who's here.
Well, it's nice that you came.
A little overdressed.
You said that this was a classy affair, Frank.
It was a classy affair until you showed up.
You bitch! Where are your 101 Dalmatians tonight? He's better at the zings than you! All right, Dee, give me your phone, give me your headset-- I got to get back online ASAP.
I just made some big things happen.
Big things, baby! Boom! No.
She's not with you anymore, bro.
Hold on.
Shut up.
Wh-Why is the soiled fool talking to me? I don't need you anymore, Charlie.
I'd like a divorce.
Ooh! Juicy! Wait, what are you talking about? I know you were gonna leave me for the Queen of Thrones, so I've slept with Mac to humiliate you.
She's humiliated you and herself by sleeping with me.
I'm good at the game now.
Oh, my God, Dee, you stupid idiot.
Do you do you have a brain in your head? I was tricking that girl, so that I could destroy her tribe.
We're the most powerful tribe in the whole game now! What are you doing?! Uh you know, I-I guess maybe I hadn't really thought the whole thing through.
No, you didn't think! Because you don't think! You're just a stupid kept housewife, okay? Zing it, girl! Frank, shut the hell up! How dare you all conspire against me? How dare you?! You know what, I want everyone out.
Everyone get out of my apartment, okay? No, not you, not you, and not you.
The three of you, sit! Get out! Okay, I think we can all agree that this game is the most important thing that ever happened to us, right? Absolutely, yeah It's very important That's the truth.
It's a hugely important thing! So because I'm a nice guy, you know, 'cause I'm a cool dude, I'll let you live, all right? But, Mac and Frank, you got to give me your shares of Paddy's Pub.
Done! What? Yes! And, Dee, you're gonna have to do all the Charlie-work in the bar from here until-- oh, I don't know-- how's eternity sound? Stop This game has gone on long enough.
Uh, shit.
Are you doing an accent? Yeah, I was doing a British acc It was a British accent.
That was British?! Yeah, I had it so good in my head-- uh, I was doing a really good British accent.
Doesn't matter.
Anyway Charlie, you think you have all the power? Well, you don't.
You see, the only thing bigger than a king is a god.
You think you're a god? I'm the one who's thriving, Dennis.
I mean, look at me.
You look like you're covered in Hawaiian Punch.
Yeah? Yeah.
Eh.
I am the god of my own universe, Charlie.
I decide my own reality, and I've decided all of your realities as well.
So, you see, I unplugged it.
You unplugged reality? I don't understand what he's saying.
Me neither.
I just I deleted all of your characters from the game.
What? I erased all your people.
H-How did you do that? Well, it was easy.
You guys all have the same password, "paddyspub.
" Oh, that's my password for everything.
Mine, too.
Why would you do that though? Why would you delete our characters? Because the goddamn game was irritating to me.
I thought it was really stupid, and it really is just, you know, sort of that simple, so I ended the game, you know.
That's the end.
Doesn't have to be a whole big thing every single time, you know.
That's life.
That's just sort of how-how shit goes.
Sometimes things just sort of end.
All night long All night