Portlandia (2011) s08e08 Episode Script

1 - Hi.
- Hi, uh, ID, please.
Yes, so, I was wondering if there's some way I can get on an earlier flight today.
Sure.
Hold on.
[KEYS CLACKING LOUDLY.]
I know it looks like I'm searching earlier flight times or cross-referencing incoming data.
I'm actually working on my novel.
"The wooden gate closed.
" All right, nothing right now.
Uh, do you have any bags to check? I have just one bag.
Okay.
I'm working on a novel about my grandmother's childhood.
She grew up on a corn farm.
Here at Oregon Air, we're proud to present our Writers in Residency program.
It's a writing retreat for those who don't want open-ended time.
It only takes me one second to find another booking, - but he doesn't know that.
- Excuse me? Uh, found another flight for $2500.
$2500? Uh, yeah.
Let me see if I can find something cheaper.
Yes, I'd appreciate that.
While most writing retreats offer natural beauty and freedom from worry, here at Oregon Air, we offer access to a loud, springy keyboard and an agitated, bustling environment.
Will you do me a favor, please? Uh, will you put me on another airline? Uh, I'd love to try.
Hi, I'm Cheryl Strayed, bestselling author from Portland.
After a traveler was so disappointed in my customer service that she threatened to walk the whole way, I thought, "Wow, that would be a great book," so I wrote "Wild.
" Thank you, Oregon Air.
[SPACEY ROCK MUSIC.]
Hon, you want a refill? Peter, you want some more coffee? - Sure.
- Great.
You know, I saw something very interesting - on the Internet.
- I know.
A woman found a cardboard box Good for her.
Well, it was full of puppies, Peter.
Someone had abandoned puppies.
Uh-huh.
Then what? Well, nothing.
That's-that's the end of the story What are you what are you looking at over there? This? It's P!nk.
You know, her profile.
P!nk, the pop singer? Yeah, some little photos.
Oh.
I thought we only followed each other.
We do, except for for P!nk.
Right, so what's your favorite P!nk song? I-I didn't know you were such a fan.
Well, I-I don't like her songs don't matter as much as her whole attitude.
Uh-huh.
What's her attitude? Just positive.
Okay, well I didn't realize you were such a big fan, but you know what? I don't want to get in the way of a new friendship.
I would never do that, and I'm really happy that you have a new friend.
Yeah.
I love you too.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Peter? Peter, what's wrong? P!nk is really sad.
She misses her family, and-and she's on tour, and oh, she's just far away.
Peter, there are bigger tragedies in the world.
What's on your mouth? Oh, it's probably just some toothpaste.
Yeah, it's-it's pretty messy.
Oh, okay.
[MINOR PIANO MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Oh my goodness.
What is it? Oh, it's the same picture.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC.]
All right, here you go.
[SIGHS.]
What, I didn't make the eggs the way you like them? You don't think we have any, uh, like, homemade pickles, do you? Just, like, uh, some pickles? Oh, mm, I don't think so.
Why? P!nk does these homemade pickles in jars.
She gives them out as gifts, so I thought it might look nice if we had some something green you can just in in the jar.
I'll find out how we do that.
That'd be kind of cool.
[KNOCKING SOUND.]
That is pretty straight.
Somebody's a handyman around here, huh? Why do we have a picture of P!nk on our wall? Oh, heh, I just like the composition.
Does her jacket say "bitch"? - Bad girl - Eh, no.
It's an inside joke.
You don't understand.
They all goof around.
Oh, and look at this.
This place is really turning into a living room.
Peter, that's the same photo.
No, it's not! It's much smaller.
Look how cool that is.
You see, it's not just dyed.
It's greased back on the sides, so it's almost like two different haircuts Don't you know that I'm a bad girl She's got a nail in her ear.
Pretty scary.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Welcome home! You're back just in time for your birthday.
Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.
Hey, so - Yeah? - Um, I was thinking about how much music has shaped your life.
- Mm-hm.
- So I wanted to get you - a birthday present - Okay.
That captures your love of music.
I hope you didn't do anything crazy, like get me a fancy guitar, 'cause I do not need that.
Okay, so follow me into the house.
- Okay.
- Welcome to your new home.
What? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Hold on a second.
I think you might need a backstage pass to get in here.
Let me check it out.
All right, you're good.
Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
Seriously, what did you do with our real furniture? Like, our nice mid-century furniture? Well, I gave some of it to your sister and then I put the rest out on the lawn with a sign that says "free.
" That stuff was expensive.
Yeah, it went so fast.
They loved it.
What is that thing? - Do you like it? - What is it? That's a woman playing guitar.
How can you tell that's a woman? Well, 'cause she's singing a sad song about her own life.
- You guys look identical.
- Come on.
- Go stand next to it.
- Identical? You know, when your hair is forward and your mouth is like - and you're playing guitar.
- That's not how I look when I play guitar or when I just stand around.
- Look, here, shake it a little bit.
- Shake what? Shake the shake that sculpture.
Look at you rocking out.
Look at the shoes.
You have flat shoes.
And how your right foot comes up.
And you're stomping.
There's nothing about this that looks like me.
Look, that is your guitar.
Why is it still moving? It goes on for ages.
Who is your favorite female musician or singer? Uh, Patti Smith.
Okay, someone else.
Um, Nina Simone.
N-no.
Uh, Cindy Wilson from the B-52s.
Okay, not in your top ten.
[SIGHS.]
I-I give up.
Okay, ready? Turn around.
Chrissie Hynde.
Chrissie Hynde.
It's so big.
Is it - Is it permanent? - Yeah, it's permanent, like a rock tattoo.
Why does it say "of The Pretenders"? Chrissie Hynde is of The Pretenders.
- She's in the band.
- I know.
You know that, right? Do you not know that? I do know that.
Carrie, how about your own roadie that we have in the house? This is Kurt.
Where is he? - Hey.
- He's gonna open that for you.
There you go.
You got a set list for her? Set list.
Got, uh, 15 minutes a show.
Are you being paid? Yeah, a lot.
- Yeah.
- And you're paying him.
Thanks.
Here is the finale of it all.
- Are you ready? - Not really, but Here we go.
Ugh.
Look at that.
This is a venue bathroom, so there's graffiti I kind of put some toilet paper all over the place or we did, just to make it, you know, have that feeling.
All right, I gotta take a dump.
Carrie, guitar.
We'll give you some privacy.
Thanks.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
- What's that? - Oh, I didn't tell you.
That's our new doorbell.
Ooh, that must be the pyrotechnics guy.
[FIREWORK WHISTLING.]
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
[EASYGOING MUSIC.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ah.
Rode my bike to work today.
James, do you have the, uh the rollout schedule? Oh I need a minute.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
I biked to work today.
- That's great.
- [SIGHS LOUDLY.]
- Uh - [SIGHS LOUDLY.]
Is the heat on in here? I don't think so.
So, yeah, do you do you have that schedule? I need a minute.
I'm gonna go ask Chet.
It is so hot.
That's great.
Tom, I biked to work today.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
Oh, maka-baka.
Cooperation between the retail outlets - [EXHALES LOUDLY.]
- And the manufacturing plants I think really can Oh, we're out of water.
Can you walk him through this, please? Thank you.
This is sweat, right? I guess.
Didn't you also bike to work today? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, there's cupcakes over in the [SOMBER ROCK MUSIC.]
[LOUD SQUELCHING.]
[PEOPLE WHISPERING.]
[DISTORTED.]
I'm sorry, excuse me.
[NORMALLY.]
Hey.
Hi.
Yeah, uh, do you mind giving me a hand in here? I'm really desperate.
Sure, I-I can help.
I-I've been licking stamps all day long, and I am dry.
The mailman comes at 5:00, and if these aren't ready, I'm fired.
I really could use your moisture.
[OPTIMISTIC MUSIC.]
- Like my sweat? - Yeah.
[LOUD DRIPPING.]
Sure.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I rode my bike to work today.
- Yeah, I can tell.
- It's, like, a pretty good route.
It's only, like, 40 minutes.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- So you're pretty healthy, huh? - Yeah Thank you.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC.]
[TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
So what are we doing today? Partial highlights? A bob? An A-line? I was actually thinking maybe something like this.
Oh, my God.
That takes my breath away.
It's beautiful.
- [ALL GASPING.]
- Look at that.
- That's amazing.
- But, like, so worth it.
Agreed.
Totally agree.
Yeah, yeah.
New you Great look Great style - Cool - New you Great look Great style You're beautiful Oh yeah Hey So beautiful - New you - You, you - Great look - Looks cool Great style So beautiful New you [UPBEAT MODERN MUSIC.]
So what do you think? I love it! I feel so pretty.
Just beautiful.
Stunning.
Oh, $900.
Well, it's worth it, I guess.
We don't come cheap.
[LAUGHS.]
There you go.
Oh, what's this for? Tips are customary.
Cash is preferred.
Oh, okay.
Oh, but, well, why are there three? Oh, they're for my stylists, actually.
Oh.
Oh, well Luckily, I have $3, so Well, that works out perfect.
Well, thank you so much.
It's my pleasure.
Sorry I didn't catch everyone's name.
Please enjoy the dollar bill I gave each of you.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC BOOMING.]
There you go.
I mean, I'm just so embarrassed.
I must've, like, smooshed it with my purse strap.
It happens.
Here you go.
Oh, but I already tipped you.
Tips are customary.
Cash preferred.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
All right, well, thank you so much.
I love it.
Thank you.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC.]
[COUGHING.]
Whoa.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[UNSETTLING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
Okay [PHONE CLICKING.]
That's so cute.
Peter, I have a surprise.
Peter? Hon? [TRANQUIL LULLABY.]
Our book is for sale.
"She Said, She Said.
" Hi, we're selling our book.
Excuse me.
You can't just use our garbage like that.
We're not a receptacle for your stick.
Oh, I know.
Do it, do it, do it, yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Not my problem.
There's something for our memoir.
BOTH: [IN UNISON.]
Oh, hello! - Oh, hello.
- Charmed, I'm sure.
- I'm Gil Faizon.
- And I am George St.
Geegland.
Did you throw something away into our wicker basket? Yes.
Trash recognizes trash.
That was in someone's mouth.
And by the way, I'm Candace.
And I'm Toni.
We're from Women & Women First.
It's a feminist bookstore.
- You both look dynamite.
- Watch your tone.
[EMPHATICALLY.]
You both look dynamite.
- Thank you.
- What's that you're holding? This is our book, "She Said, She Said.
" It's our memoir.
We wrote it together.
- Oh, I see.
- "She Said, She Said.
" Could we hear an excerpt from it? - Sure.
- Absolutely.
- For it is a bridge.
- Was I ready to hear that? - The bridge that collapses - I better think about - another career.
- A bridge that becomes - something even greater.
- I heard that line before.
- A tower.
- In my mind, everything hinged - on Larry's - A tower with fire.
Stop right there.
It's gorgeous.
It's a hit.
It's simply glamorous.
What are you selling? What is that? - It's wicker, baby.
- It's wicker.
It's, uh, wicker wallets.
This a wicker wallets.
It's a wicker wonderland.
Where are you from? I don't understand.
- New York City.
- Ever heard of it? We're here to help a friend Uh, what's the legal way to say this? We're here to assist in a suicide.
We will be present at and complicit in an illegal suicide.
It's legal here.
Physicians-assisted suicide? But this one is going to be illegal.
There's no MD on site.
You're not doctors? We are not doctors, but I have a doctorate in fun.
Candace, I was scared of these wicker men at first, but I feel like it's incredibly brave for them to come here and help a friend pass on.
Would you ladies be interested in maybe reading from your book as Len passes? Do you wanna do it? What do you think they're saying? Of course.
We would be honored.
We would be honored.
Tentative lineup: 6:00 p.
m.
, we have a sound check, okay? - Yeah.
- I what do you think? We gonna make 6:00? Load in at 6:00? We'll load in at 6:00.
And is the death the finale? We're going to give him a Viking funeral.
[BOTH GASP.]
We're gonna burn his house down when we're done.
Let's go.
Oh, and ladies, it's a surprise party.
Len's in good health.
He has no idea we're gonna murder him.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
$10, please.
Credit card? [DESOLATE MUSIC.]
Thanks for coming, everyone.
We've got to do something.
Cash is going extinct.
People are not using dollar bills anymore, and it's affecting our livelihood.
It's affecting our way of life.
- Yeah! - Okay, bellhops, valets, newsies Somebody slipped a personal check into my G-string last night.
Come on.
That's an anti-tip, 'cause what are you supposed to do with that? Nothing.
Remember when money meant something.
Right? It was tactile.
Putting a $5 bill into a birthday card.
What is a card from Grandma without a little cash? How can we make cash relevant? ALL: Yes.
- Yes.
- Whoo! What if we made cash rectangular and made out of hard plastic? Like a credit card? No and it's got your name you know, like your name on it.
There's a little strip on the back, and that is your cash? "This is my $20 cash.
" Well, that's a credit card.
- Does it have a chip? - It has a chip.
It has a chip.
That's a [BLEEP.]
credit card, dude.
It is not, because you don't owe the bank anything, but you pay a percentage.
But it's not cash if it's a small plastic card with a strip, a 3-digit code, your name on it, and a percentage that you pay.
What-what am I doing wrong? Am I not explaining it right? What if they added a smell to it? I like that.
Cherry, strawberry Scratch and sniff, right? So your wallet smells good.
What if we bring back wishing wells, that your wishes do come true? Let's bring that back.
Okay, Walt Disney.
Let's use the imagination of the child and he could have a world of his own where Goofy and Pluto live in a magic castle.
What you're suggesting is is more than just a monetary system.
You're actually suggesting an amusement park.
That takes cash only.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING.]
[OMINOUS MUSICAL TONES.]
Cash forever, asshole! [ROCK MUSIC.]
[CASH REGISTER CHIME.]
[QUIET CHIMING.]
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
My first DM.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Hmm.
Whoa.
Hi, John Corbett.
That's my Petey.
We've been together for 12 years.
You might be stepping out And no mistaking A chemical attraction Little fairy tale You beat around the bush But will you just obey me Hello? Hello? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Who is it? [SIGHS.]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Mr.
Corbett.
I'm such a big fan.
You call me Johnny C.
Okay.
You are even sweet in real life.
Have you ever had a Hood strawberry? No.
[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Ooh, a notification.
P!nk photo.
Wow, private plane.
Incredible.
[LOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Nance? I'm out of coffee.
Voilà.
I've, um I've eaten shrimp that looks like that.
These aren't shrimp.
These are langoustine.
Very expensive.
Just smell it.
Mm.
So, do you do this a lot? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah? [SMOOTH MUSIC.]
Ah.
My middle name's Avalon.
Does your husband know you're here? Oh, he hasn't really been paying that much attention to me.
Oh, I would never lose track of you.
Nance! I got all the ingredients for P!nk's favorite recipe.
Nance? Nice big yams, just the way you like them.
Nance? Where'd you go? [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SQUEAKING NOISE.]
Nance? Shh.
Go back to sleep.
Sorry.
Your hair looks like P!nk's.
I love it.
Where were you? I was really worried.
I had to drink a whole mug of sleepy-time tea just to fall asleep.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I went on a a date.
W-w-w-w-w-with who? He's an actor.
His name's John Corbett.
Oh, yeah.
Peter, I fooled around with him.
Well, what'd you do? The u the usual.
Did he climax? Peter, you know how I am in bed.
Of course he did.
It was there was no penetration.
Did you climax? I did not, so Oh, we're we're in good shape.
I feel terrible, and I think what's put me in this mind-set is your whole thing with P!nk.
Could you un-follow her and un-like her photos and take down that picture of her that's hanging on our wall? Anything for you.
- Thanks, honey.
- I'll do it.
I'll-I'll-I'll take down the picture.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
It's John.
- I should block him.
- Yeah.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Hmm? Whoa.
[SLIDE WHISTLE NOISE.]
Hey.
Leave it all behind you Are you ready to go Have you read Ahmadinejad's book? - I did.
- I picked it up, not expecting to like it, and I sat down in a huge chair, and my pants were the same fabric as the chair, so I really sank into it.
I truly disappeared.
I was like two eyeballs sticking out of this, you know, velvet chair.
Anyway, I started reading the book, and I loved it.
On a jet plane