Scrubs s08e08 Episode Script

Ted, what are you doing? - Band practice.
- What band? Peons assemble! They have to stay within earshot, it's in the band code.
Wow, Ted, it's kind of like you're their leader.
Peons disperse! Peons assemble! Enough of the horseplay! Now we need to practice, and I can't have you winded.
Now we've only got one shot to convince Dr.
Cox to let us sing for the sick kids in Pediatrics.
One, two All our times have come Seasons don't fear the reaper Oh, boy, good luck with that.
J.
D.
: As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids with a song about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr.
Cox's office.
Yep, it was terrifying going up against the new Chief.
Perry, for the last time, we need more negative pressure rooms in the infectious disease ward.
You will die - Huh.
I didn't hear you knock.
- The door was open.
Then go outside, close the door, and knock.
- No, you're just gonna lock it.
- No, I won't.
- You know I've been burned before.
- Believe in me.
- New chapter? - New chapter.
New chapter! - Perry Cox.
- J.
D.
: We still need those rooms.
- And you, sir, are a liar.
- There is no money in the budget.
And while you're delivering bad news, please tell Ted that he can't sing in Pediatrics.
A cappella music is, how to put this delicately? Ear rape.
- Guys, guys, guys! He said no.
- Oh, man! Well maybe, he'll let us sing for the people in the burn ward.
No, I asked.
He said they're already in enough pain.
Besides, Teddy, hospital already has someone who sings to the kids.
Who? One day the moon got tired of being up in the sky He wandered down through the starlight And landed on the ocean side And he smiled while That's a cute song.
It's not cute It's beautiful.
His swim trunks and snorkel And guess what? Mr.
Moon swam J.
D.
, good news, Cox just added two new negative pressure rooms.
Great job wearing him down.
J.
D.
: But still, with Dr.
Cox, winning has ramifications.
Janice, you are one ugly baby.
Seriously.
Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby? Not just any baby, but your baby.
Come here, Jackie Boy! We're going to get 10,000 jellybeans.
I love you so much.
They can both be so hurtful.
I can't do this all on my own No, I know I'm no Superman I'm no Superman You got to pick Jack up from preschool today.
Why can't you do it? Hello, I'll be busy taking care of our daughter.
Jennifer is with the nanny.
Okay, fine.
Jack's school gets out at 2:00, and you know I take a nap every day from 11:30 to 3:00.
- Are you enjoying your life? - Yeah, it's pretty nice.
And yours? - It's different.
- Huh.
- Got your latte, champ.
- Well now, thank you.
Boy, oh boy, you're really digging the heck out of this whole secret-friendship thing, aren't you? Well, it has all the thrill of an affair, without all that exhausting sex.
Do you realize that I have to do rounds, see patients, pick up my son Jack, and somehow put a dent in all this bureaucratic ridiculousness? You're the Chief of Medicine, you can't keep doing all the things you used to do.
You have to let something go.
Just don't drop the ball with your son.
That's what I did with Harrison.
He and his new life partner, Caleb, have just opened a boutique on Fire Island called "Everything Mesh.
" - You like mesh, Perry? - No, Bob, I don't.
Well, I didn't either at first.
But the boxers really breathe.
I can do it all.
Craig, I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.
- I'm sick.
- I am now officially on the case.
Can I talk to you in the hall for one second? Sure.
Look, I know you and Craig have a history, but I'm sure you're swamped.
I don't mind taking this one.
No, no, Craig was my patient before, so he'll be my patient now.
Plus, if you don't treat him, then he gets to go home not smelling like cocoa butter.
Mock away, but do you think it's an accident that I have the complexion of a 12-year-old Greek boy? Don't get me wrong, I still want you to be a big part of Craig's treatment team.
Say, Craig? Is there anything you want Dr.
Puberty Beard to go get for ya? - A root beer, please.
- Nice to have you on board.
Whoa.
You took the last two root beers.
- Give me one.
- No.
This one is for a patient, and this one It's for me.
The old lick-the-can-so- no-one-will-want-it trick.
Too bad I beat you to it.
"Licked by Janitor.
" You'll find the same note on your cell phone.
Have you ever seen such an angel? Okay, Teddy.
It's time to throw down your power rap.
Wow, look at Ted go! - Can I help you? - No, you cannot! Yeah.
Every time Ted chickens out with a girl, he goes straight to his bike and pedals home.
Cherish the pain, Ted.
It means you're still alive.
I wish I could help that bald, sweaty bastard.
- Maybe you and I could team up.
- I bet you think I'm going to say no.
But let me tell you something about the Dorians.
We trust.
And we trust hard.
It's the reason why every single Dorian has a loyal army of friends.
It's also why last weekend I flew to the Ozarks for a spontaneous waterski getaway with Dr.
Cox.
He was not there.
Nor was his lakeside cabin.
There had also been talk of a tire swing.
- In or out? - In.
- For Ted.
All right.
- For Ted.
Yo, Chief, for some reason, there are three different shift schedules floating around.
If you don't put out a new one, you're going to get every nurse showing up at the same time.
I'm on it.
Okay.
Last patient.
A pre-excitation of the ventricle due to accessory pathways, a condition called what? It's Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome.
Nice job.
I'm out of time, so I'm going to go ahead and answer these last questions myself.
Now what is Let me finish.
What is Ebstein's Anomaly? Great job, group.
I appreciate the effort.
Now leave.
Not you.
You didn't raise your hand, not even once.
I wasn't feeling it.
Well, that's perfectly understandable, but for the record, what is Ebstein's Anomaly? Yes, dark-haired guy.
Oh, I thought it was just the hand-raising part.
No.
Okay, I know I was supposed to read up on that.
But Dr.
Cox, are you familiar with those electronic trivia games they have at bars? Sure.
My buddies and I bought one at a police auction, and we've got this really intense game going.
And they're going to call me whenever my team's turn comes up.
Wow! Your laziness has finally caught up with you.
But no worries.
As your teacher, I'm going to make sure you get through all this, because For the next two days, you're going to sit your ass in that chair, and you are going to learn everything there is to know about the human heart.
I'm going to come around every once in a while and ask you questions, and if you don't know the answer, I'm going to take that textbook, and I'm going to drive it through your skull.
How does that sound? - Pretty frightening.
- Good luck.
Look, Ted.
You're obviously upset about the ukulele girl.
So, we've called a truce to help you out.
I'm not upset.
Ted, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at old couples.
Why should they be happy? Come on, man! You can get this girl.
No, no, no, you don't understand! If I even think about a girl that hot, I get the most unbelievable dry mouth.
I mean, just picturing her beautiful eyes and her cute What is that? It's gum and tonic.
Gin, rum and tonic.
Don't get him drunk.
He can barely talk as it is.
You don't get drunk on gum.
It's a breakfast liqueur.
And you know what? I don't like you telling me what to do.
Truce off.
Truce on.
That was a patient's lab results.
And you can't just turn the truce off whenever you want to.
- Sure you can.
- Fine, truce off.
No.
Truce on! Truce on! Truce on! It's my latte.
And it's scalding hot.
Yeah, it is.
Ted, do you want to get this girl? Give her a present.
Better yet, a present that you made.
My first date with Lady, I made her a duck I killed.
Now, you're thinking, "Wouldn't it have been more romantic "to kill it in front of her?" And yes, it would have.
And that was my plan.
But in the car, on the way over, we kind of got into it, you know.
Maybe I was in a bad mood, maybe he was, I don't know.
But one thing led to another, and then we're off on the side of the road, shirtless and seeing what's what.
Next thing I knew I'm really not comfortable murdering for her.
It's fine.
The important thing is to be confident.
When you talk to her, you think about something, anything, that puts you at a confident place.
The important thing is to be honest.
Just tell her how you really feel.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Yep, those are gum legs.
All right, Craig.
Your CAT scan showed enlarged lymph nodes, so we gotta do a biopsy, which means we're going to make a little cut under your arm, and take a tiny sample.
Is it going to hurt? A little bit, but It's okay, 'cause I'm going to be by your side the whole way.
- You promise? - Yeah, I promise.
I got one thousand things I got to attend to here.
I'll check in with you later.
Dr.
Cox? - Yeah.
- I'm scared.
Why don't you tell me what's scaring you, and we'll see what I can do to make it better.
Okay, Ted.
I think we found a way to get you over your fear of talking to this girl.
Kill me? 'Cause I'd be willing to try that.
No, Ted.
Do you remember when you were a kid and your father threw you in the deep end of the pool to teach you how to swim? Swim, Ted! Hey.
- Is our friend in there? - He's in the corner.
You just spooked him a little bit.
But if we're quiet, he'll come out on his own.
Hey, guys.
Did you have something you wanted to talk to me about? J.
D.
: And then Ted remembered what the Janitor had said about confidence.
And he knew that there was only one situation where he actually had it.
Peons assemble! I heard you playing yesterday and thought you might like to jam with us.
- I'm Teddy Buckland, by the way.
- I'm Stephanie Gooch.
Well, Gooch.
See if you can keep up.
Carry on, my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more Once I rose above the noise and confusion J.
D.
: As I watched Ted, I realized that a little confidence is a good thing.
But as I saw Dr.
Cox rush by, it occurred to me that too much can get you into trouble.
Because if you go around plugging leaks all day Brian, the machine is broken.
There's no way there was a president named Garfield.
Study, or get a book to the face.
J.
D.
: You're bound to miss one.
Hey, if you're wondering, this is what it looks like when all the nurses show up at once.
I'll deal with it in a second.
J.
D.
: And before you know it, the floodgates open.
Where the hell is Craig? Seventeen nurses took him down for his biopsy at 2:00.
It's past two already? J.
D.
: And something big falls through the cracks.
I will pick up Jack after preschool today.
- My massage is right by there.
- I'm doing it.
End of story.
Go away! You're not my doctor anymore.
Puberty Beard is.
You know, Craig, I was kind of hoping that nickname wouldn't stick.
Craig, I'm sorry.
I just got a little held up out there.
I know it's not the thickest beard.
It's not like, you know, Santa Claus.
- You broke the promise.
- Well, have it your way.
Just real quick back to the beard.
Do you want to touch it? I really don't.
There is the stud muffin.
How'd it go with Gooch? We jammed all night.
The two of us even sang one of her songs, which made me think I might have a chance with her.
I've got too many questions in my mind I've got too many answers to find Can I give up all I've imagined Am I magical enough for this to happen - Because I like you - I like you - I like you - I like you And like can lead to like-like And like-like can lead to love Sure as the stars above - I'd really like to kiss you - I'd really like to screw you - Oh.
- Oh.
When we're singing, and the band's around, everything's fine.
But as soon as we're alone, I literally can't breathe.
Ted, you're never going to get closer to this woman until you dig down deep and find the courage to tell her how you really feel.
Yeah.
- What do you got? - For the rest of your life, with this woman should be in song.
Loving it! So how is your day going today, any better? I'm okay.
Oh, give it up.
Everybody knows you two are friends.
Oh, please, Carla.
I still hate Bob-o with a We're like brothers.
- I'm done hiding this, Perry.
- My head hurts.
Well, you wouldn't be so stressed out if you let people help you.
- Let me do the nurses' schedule.
- No.
You don't understand, Carla.
He has to control everything.
Good, you're here.
I'm surprised he doesn't try to control the words I say.
I can control the words you say.
Say something annoying.
- I just think - Ta-da! Look, I've said this before.
You cannot be Chief of Medicine without giving something up.
I mean, why on Earth is he still teaching interns? Because he loves teaching.
He needs to give up some of those patients.
What he needs to do is give up some of the bureaucratic stuff.
Would you all be quiet for one second? Hey, Dorian.
Perry and I are like brothers now.
Bob, he's not going to take that well.
I do everything for you and you still won't let me in? You know what, thank you, Perry.
Thank you for giving me my life back.
Because I am done.
- J.
D.
, he needs our help.
- I'm back in.
I'm here for you, buddy.
I don't need your help, I am in control of everything.
Hello? Daddy, you weren't here to pick me up.
So I got scared and tried to find you.
- Jack? - Daddy? - Hey, Perry.
- I'm alive! You know, last weekend, Perry and I went to the movies together.
So? Thought you'd be interested.
- Was it a romantic comedy? - Yeah.
Maybe they're all right.
I have to give something up.
Sweetie, I've got to talk to your dad for a second.
- Go over there and staple some stuff.
- Cool! Perry, they don't know you like I do.
You're not capable of giving up on anything that you care about.
Whether it's a patient or your never-ending quest to please me sexually.
I'm going to blow you away tonight.
I'm sure it'll be amazing.
My point is, is that eventually you'll balance things out.
Who cares if you can't pick Jack up from preschool? Just make sure that you're home in time for his bedtime stories.
Thank you.
Hey guys! I finally got a brother! Kid's either a genius or an idiot.
Hey, Ted, would you like to get a cup of coffee some time? - Peons! - Wait.
I was just thinking that maybe it could be the two of us.
I thought maybe we could get to know each other.
Oh.
You know, I'm an idiot.
I've been dropping all these subtle hints that I like you.
Sideways glances, the secret smiles, telling you I want to screw you.
You're clearly not interested.
Gooch! I'm really not what you would call a winner.
Oh sure, I'm a lawyer, but that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska, and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill seals.
And if it seems like I'm uninterested, it's only because I have no idea why you would like me.
I mean, you are the most beautiful, perfect ukulele player I've ever seen.
I know that's not saying much, because they're usually fat Hawaiians.
Still, I think what I'm trying to say is, Stephanie, I would love to go and have coffee with you.
Well, what time do you get off of work? Who cares? I guess you were right about the whole honesty thing.
Well, he never would have gotten to that point if you hadn't told him to be confident.
- We're a good team.
- Yeah.
Why is your hand wet? - I guess the truce is off.
- I like to think it was never really on.
Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous Spends his time alone In the basement With Lennon and Cobain - I told you to leave me alone.
- Yeah, you did.
But I can't do that, Craig.
I screwed up, I broke a promise to you.
But I'm sorry.
And I'm standing here asking you to forgive me.
And I'm not leaving until you do.
- Make him go away.
- I can't, buddy.
I have a lot of patients to see.
You're stuck with him.
J.
D.
: As I watched Dr.
Cox, I realized he was going to do it all.
Even if it meant compromising a little.
Like letting a close friend cross the T's and dot the I's.
Here's a first pass of the nurses' schedule.
Please feel free to make any changes you want and put it out.
No problem.
J.
D.
: Or deciding not to bother teaching someone who doesn't want to be taught.
Time's up.
You patient has a sodium channel abnormality in the cardiac tissue that puts him at risk of sudden death.
What does he have? Actually, I didn't get to that chapter yet.
There was this trivia thing.
Did you know - James Garfield was our - It's been two days.
You're fired.
J.
D.
: Still, it's all worth it if you get home in time to read stories to your son.
It's okay.
You'll try again tomorrow.
Come on.
We are We are all innocent Aren't we gonna, you know, have intercourse? I would, but this isn't my fantasy.
It's that guy's.
He doesn't want to imagine me doing that with anyone.
Oh.
Oh, what the hell.
Let's get freaky.
Oh, Ted.
No, no! What is that? Is that your butt? It is?