Would I Lie To You? (2007) s08e08 Episode Script
At Christmas
1 Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You? At Christmas, a very special edition filled with festive fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor who recently starred in the epic biblical movie Noah.
It was a fantastic film to see at the cinema, although they did make you go in two by two, it's Ray Winstone.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And one of the rising stars of British comedy told me he likes this guy, it's Josh Widdicombe.
APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, the star of The Royle Family who played a lazy, good-for-nothing, work-shy layabout, you're in good company tonight, it's Ricky Tomlinson.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And a woman who is brilliant when it comes to numbers, except perhaps the musical ones on Strictly, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction and, Josh, you're first up.
I qualified as a football referee but quit after six matches because the abuse became too much.
Lee's team.
When was this? Uh, it was when I was a teenager.
OK, so thisthis year.
LAUGHTER What division were you in? What division? I was 14 and so II could only referee children - that were younger than me.
- Why did you want to be a referee? I don't know any kids when I was growing up and I would be ashamed if any of my children Only those who couldn't play football.
Well, that was the problem, that I wasn't very good at football but I wanted to hang out with the kids in the football team at school.
Was there one particular incident that springs to mind? - There was.
- What happened? Um I bet you wished you'd now said there wasn't.
ALL LAUGH No, I was refereeing a match Cos when you referee at a kids' level, you don't have your own linesman but a parent from each team has to line through.
Yeah, that's true.
So you've got the parents - running the line, I believe the phrase is.
- There's was a parent running the line and he gave an offside decision but the ball had been played through by the defender, so I overruled and he threw his flag down to the floor in anger - Wow, that's quite angry.
- Wow.
- Amazing, isn't it? - Yeah.
.
.
and said, "If you were my son, I'd be ashamed.
" Well, you can't do him for that.
Oh, that's fair enough.
In that casein that case, it's true.
LAUGHTER Apart from that incident, everything was all right? No, no, no.
There was a time when I gave a child a yellow card and then his manager took me aside afterwards and Sorry, his manager? Who was Was his name Ronaldo? - He had a manager? - Well, not like his own, like the manager of his team, thethethe Can I just say that you have picked him up on the only bit of the story that is true.
You can say manager.
- Can you? - You have to say 'manager'.
- Oh, a manager, - like a football manager? - Yeah, it doesn't mean like his agent.
You're so showbiz, aren't you? "His manager, love, at 14? I didn't get a manager until I was 27.
"Oh, no, I'm not having that.
" - Exactly.
- No, he wasn't So there are managers in football as well? Yeah, it wasn't like that.
You know when you phone to complain about your gas bill and they say, "I'll put you through to my manager," do you go, "Manager, oh, you're a bit special.
"You're a big manager.
" Anyway, this little child had a manager.
Go on.
Uh, I booked this kid for quite a late tackle and He's good.
He's doing well, this manager, cos he's getting him bookings.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Well, he did the opposite, Lee, actually.
- Oh, did he? He took me aside, and if you book If you book a player when you're a referee, you have to then report it to the local FA so that they can be fined.
What did the manager say? It was Christmas, actually, and he said, "You don't want to fine a 12-year-old at Christmas.
" So I reported him and then the guy was livid.
What did he do? He gave me a very low mark cos we got marked out of ten at the end of the match.
Oh, no, that's awful.
Imagine Ray doing that.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Oi, come over 'ere, I'm going to have a word with you.
"I'm giving you 3 out of 10.
" To me, I'm listening to the story, it's a very good story but he's like a grass, isn't he, really? He is like a grass, isn't he, yeah.
What's this? - I'm very disappointed - This is my team! No, hold on a minute, I'm very disappointed.
I'm out I'm on your side which makes me a grass as well.
LAUGHTER Well, I think, looking at that, it looks like Ray is on trial for something and David is his flustered barrister.
And Josh is the child that they're fighting custody over.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All right, so, what are you going to say? - He's got a lot of detail.
- Rachel.
I think it sounds quite plausible, and I can imagine him being rubbish at football and having to turn to refereeing.
- Ricky, what do you think? - I don't I think it's a load of old tosh.
- Oh, no.
Do you? - I do, yep.
- I think he's telling the truth.
Rachel says it's true, Ricky says it's a lie.
Go on.
I'm going to go with true.
OK.
Josh Widdicombe, refereeing children, truth or lie? It is true.
Yes! Hey, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Josh did quit his job as a football referee because the abuse became too much.
Ray, you're next.
- Right.
- HE CLEARS THROA At the bottom of my garden, I built a replica Stonehenge.
ALL LAUGH Lee's team.
How big is this Stonehenge? In relation to the real Stonehenge.
Big enough.
What's it made What's it made out of? Stone.
What type of stone? Can I just check, how big is this Stonehenge? Um, I would say probably half the size of the original.
- That's still massive.
- So, why? Well mymy garden faces south and I think if you've got a nice-sized garden, you've got to have a reason to walk to the end of it.
Here's a question, the great mystery of Stonehenge is how they did it.
How did they get the stones on top has never been solved.
How did you get yours on top? Yeah, the Well, a crane.
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER How did the crane How did the crane get in the garden? I've got a little road that runs up the side of the garden.
- Oh, that's handy, isn't it? - Yeah.
Who did you get to do it for you? Eh? Who did you Don't give yourself time to think.
ALL LAUGH The old classic Would I Lie To You 'eh'.
Sorry, I'm a bit mutton.
"Eh, could you say it again, Lee, "but really slowly and give me a minute?" Sorry, what, Lee? Say that again.
Yeah, who made it for you? Who did the building work? Um, if I remember rightly, his name was Peter.
LAUGHTER Do you use it for anything? Well, I always thought, if one of my girls got married, you know, one day That is one confident boyfriend that's going to come round and say, HIGHER PITCHED: "Mr Winstone, I'd like to marry your daughter.
" DEEP VOICE: "What?" Well, he wouldn't talk like that, would he? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So what do you think, Lee? Is this true? - I It can't be true.
- I think it's so weird it might be true.
- No, not for me, no.
- It's so - I think it's a load of old codswallop.
- We'll definitely say lie to that.
- You say it's a lie.
Ray Winstone, truth or lie? It's true.
Oh, my God! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Ray has built a replica Stonehenge at the bottom of his garden, and we have a picture.
There.
There it is.
LAUGHTER All right.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, John.
APPLAUSE So, Rachel, what is John to you? This is John, he comes to Countdown every single day and presents me with a freshly baked cake.
Ricky, what is John to you? This is John.
If he hadn't have decided to join my band, he could have been in The Beatles.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with John? This is John.
After my mate John was involved in an accident, I went to visit him in hospital but I mistakenly sat next to this John's bed and spoke to him for two hours.
ALL LAUGH - David's team.
- OK.
Rachel, he brings a cake every day? - Yeah.
- What sorts of cakes? Well, last week it was carrot cake cos that's my favourite, and So sometimes he deliberately doesn't make your favourite cake to show displeasure at your maths.
One he did was like It looked like red velvet but with beetroot, that was really good and .
.
I think it was a Victoria sponge John looks gutted that you've forgotten.
How many cakes would you say? Of course he's gutted, he was almost in The Beatles! How many cakes would you say he's given you? 237 cakes? Do you get someone to have a little peck before in case he's poisoned them? - Well, no, cos - Carol Vorderman.
LAUGHTER So, John comes and sits in the studio audience with the cake, and who collects the cake from him? We always have a chat at the top of the show.
We've got a warm-up guy and you go and say hi and he's there every time, so it's just I'm interested to hear that Countdown has a warm-up guy cos I mean that audience really is buzzing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We have a very loyal audience.
What does John Do you know anything about his life? Well, he likes Countdown.
- Yeah.
- So even though he's brought you 237 cakes, you've never asked him anything about his life? That's showbiz.
Can I see John's baking hands, or is he not allowed to move? - You can have a look if you want, Josh.
- Yeah.
Wow, right.
I can check if they're musicians hands as well while I'm up here.
- Exactly.
- What is it you're looking for there, Josh? Just like flour under the nails.
Those aren't the fingers of a guitar player.
- Right.
- Cos they haven't got any hard ends on them.
It's the exact phrase Paul McCartney used when he sacked him.
Exactly.
LAUGHTER What is the worst cake John has ever cooked you? He doesn't do bad cakes.
No, but there still Even among 237 excellent cakes, there still has to be a worst.
You didn't get that voiceover for Greggs, did you? All right, David.
OK, we'll move on to Ricky.
Um, I'm not an expert on music, so I've - You've heard of The Beatles, though.
- I have heard of The Beatles.
So how did you manage to spoil John's chances of being in The Beatles? Well II had a little band in Liverpool.
I used to go round, and one of my mates in my band spotted him and said, "I've seen this fella, he's great.
" And we poached him.
- What did he play? What instrument? - Piano.
- Piano.
- Piano? - Piano.
- Piano.
Piano.
ALL LAUGH So who's the pianist in The Beatles instead of him? So, did you poach him directly from The Beatles? - No.
- He was never in The Beatles? - No.
- Well, how do you know he would have been in The Beatles? Because the band that he was in went on to become The Beatles.
What were they called? Um, first of all it was The Quarrymen, then The Silver Beatles and thenthen The Beatles.
So, I read the book about The Beatles.
What's his surname? John D'Flo.
- John D'Flo? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER You know a lot about it this, OK.
Ask the forensic questions.
OK, when John was in the whatever incarnation of The Beatles, who else was in it at the time? II thinkI think I think it was Pete Best.
- Yep.
- Paul, John and, um - John Lennon.
- Matthew, Mark.
- Luke.
- John joined your band, Ricky.
- Yeah.
- What was your band called? - The City Slickers.
- And did it go well for The City Slickers? I thinkI think John was a little bit Compared to The Beatles, which would you say was the best? - LAUGHTER - I think John was a bit too good for us and he didn't drink as much as us, so he got off.
Did he resent that you'd taken him out of The Beatles? No, I think the hate mail is just part of the game.
David, what about Lee? Remind us of yours, Lee.
OK, so this isthis is John.
After my mate John had been involved in an accident, I went to visit my mate John but mistakenly sat next to this John's bed and spoke to him for two hours.
Why didn't you realise it was a different John? Because this John had had, uh, some bad injuries and, as a result, his jaw was all wired up, he had a bandage over his eye and the bit that was left was a very, very black eye, lots of grazes and scabs, bandage round the face.
And you thought, "My God, that must have been a tough appendicitis operation.
" LAUGHTER Well, I never said I never said my mate John had had appendicitis.
No.
What had happened to your mate John? So, my mate John, he'd been involved in a sledging accident.
He's my neighbour and someone had phoned me and said, "Ooh, John's in hospital, he's had a bad sledging accident.
" How did it happen? It was a weird one.
You know sometimes people go to hospital and they're all right but then go downhill very quickly, complete reverse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, yeah.
So you arrive at the hospital Yeah.
.
.
and do you know what ward John is in? No, I don't know cos I've just raced straight there.
Asked his name, they sent me up to thewhatever, the third floor.
I went into the There's like a mini reception then, and I said, "I'm looking for John, "the guy involved in a sledging accident.
" You didn't think to use the surname of John once you'd got to the mini reception? By this time I was panicked.
So you're very emotionally close to your next door neighbour.
I'm very fond of my neighbour John.
So the process of going to hospital you're panicking, "Oh, my God, is he all right? Is he all right? "I can't remember his surname.
" No, because JohnJohn JohnJohn My mate John lives on his own and, uh I don't I'm not going for the sympathy vote.
He lives on his own, occasionally he goes sledging on his own.
He's a loner.
A very active, Christmassy loner.
He was out with his grandchildren.
So you got to the mini reception.
- Yeah.
- What did you say to the nurse? "I'm looking for John, the sledging accident.
" And this woman sort ofsheit English wasn't her first language.
She sort of said something quickly, like point to the end at the right, so I rush up.
And I'm sat in this sort of, you know, private room just just with his bed and I'm saying to him, you know, uh, "I'm so sorry.
First of all, where are the grandkids? "Do you want me to sort anything out?" And heand he went, "Ohhh, ohhh.
" Which I now know to be, "I think you've got the wrong person.
" When did you discover that this John wasn't your John? When I started to realise something wasn't right was When, in his state, he still managed to mime and go HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES .
.
grandchildren.
That was the bit I thought, something's not right here.
And so Then, as I was thinking, a nurse came in and I said, "Can I just check that this is John who's been involved in the sledging accident?" And she said, "No.
" And I said, "Well, when I asked you, "you said toyou know" It was the same one as the one on thethe reception desk? This is the bit that you're not going to believe.
Yeah.
It turns out, this woman whose language wasn't first language English, turns out his surname is Ledging .
.
and thought that I'd said John Ledging, accident.
Is your next door neighbours surname 'Ladder' by any chance? Don't be facetious, you know it's not.
That's my stepson's name.
ALL LAUGH APPLAUSE All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is John, Rachel's baking buddy, Ricky's musical mate or Lee's poorly patient? It's not Lee, is it? We don't think it's Lee.
I think Ray thinks it might be Ricky.
- Yeah.
- You think it might be.
Yeah, I got a feeling it could be Ricky.
- John, show us your fingers again.
- Hold your hands up.
Thank you.
Oh, it's Yeah, they look like pianist fingers to me.
- Good for baking.
- That's exactly as he was lying when I LAUGHTER There was metal rods underneath like that.
I think, if Rachel was telling the truth, she'd have known more - about his life, cos she knew very litt - Yeah, she's a nice girl Yeah, she'd know at least like about his life at all, would Yeah, you are quite bright, actually.
I think it might be Rachel.
I don't think it's Rachel, but you OK, and you don't You both think it's Ricky, don't you? - Yeah.
- Well, I'll go to Ricky, I think, yeah.
OK, well, I think we're going to say it's Ricky, is telling the truth.
OK, right.
John, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is John.
I could have been in The Beatles, but I left to join Ricky's band.
Yes, John is Ricky's musical mate.
Thank you, John.
- Nice to see you, kid.
- Oh, my God.
- How are you, my friend? - Great to see you.
Lovely.
And it is 50 years, isn't it? Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with - BUZZER - It's David.
Possession.
Ah, there's a box under the desk, David.
Would you take the card out - Yes.
- .
.
and read the card and then show us the possession, please? OK.
CLEARS THROA "This is my frog lamp.
"I LAUGHTER "I pop it on when I go down to the bottom of the garden "to check on the frogs.
" OK, if you could take the frog lamp out and LAUGHTER Fantastic.
And I think it Well, as you know, you can switch it on.
You know how to do it, there we are.
That is, without doubt, the most working class you've ever looked.
- Lee.
- I'm going to save the battery if it's all right.
So OK, the frogs at the bottom of your Are they at the bottom of your garden? Yes.
Are they your frogs in a sort of pet sense, or are they frogs that live wild, like, at a stream that's at the bottom of your garden? There's a bucket of them and II initially That I got from frogspawn in my parents' pond.
A whole bucketful of frogspawn? A whole bucketful of frogspawn.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Or did I? Why do you check on your frogs at night? Because I'm embarrassed to do it by day.
It's ait's a good time, I've been told, to check on them as well.
- But what are you checking for? - Oh, just - Still there? Observing them, see if they're still there.
- OK.
- I like to look at them.
So, question for you - why do you not just carry a torch? What is it you're leaving your hands free for that you LAUGHTER .
.
when you're looking at the frogs? - Exactly.
- What are you doing - Exactly.
- .
.
where you can't just hold the torch? What do you need these for when you're looking at the frogs? No, I I mean, I think it would be possible to check on them without this but, as I have this tremendous hat That's a good question.
So, that is just You just happen to have that hat.
Yeah.
So what did you have that hat for before the frogs? Where did I get this hat? Where did you get the hat? Where did I get this hat? Isn't it funny, I've never seen one like that.
Yeah.
I got this hat This hat belonged to my grandfather.
Was it LAUGHTER Your grandfather was very advanced, wasn't he? I mean, the halogen light.
He must have been the talk of the village.
They must have thought of him as the devil's own, witchcraft.
Why did your grandfather own that hat? I don't know why he owned this hat.
So your grandad gave you that hat? No.
So it was passed on after he died? It was discovered in the garage.
And no-one ever knows what he used to do with it? No.
They're all Did your grandmother just go, "That's curious.
" She didn't even I couldn'tI couldn't ask my grandmother because she predeceased my grandfather by several decades.
Ooh.
Oh, Lee, you're a horrible man.
SHOUTS: There's a clip for the Christmas trailer.
ALL LAUGH BOTH: # Christmas time, mistletoe and wine # Do you touch the frogs? I do occasionally but they don't like it.
- What do they do when you touch them? - They hop off.
- Do they - Not that they're on my I mean they hop away.
- So, what do you think? - Rachel.
- I like it.
I'm buying it.
- You're buying it? - I'm buying SHE LAUGHS You're buying the hat? - Ricky.
- I don't believe him.
- You don't believe him? - No, I don't believe him.
So, what are you going to say, Lee? - We'll say it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, OK.
David, truth or lie? Yes, you've got lucky, it is a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie, David doesn't wear a frog lamp to check on the frogs in his garden.
Next.
BUZZER - It's Ray.
- Oh! OK.
Yeah.
Whenever I eat a boiled egg, I say, "Sorry, Mr Egg," as I bash its head in with a spoon.
OK, so, um, how long have you been doing this for? Since I was a little boy.
Right, and why do you feel you need to apologise to an egg? We used to draw faces on eggs - Yeah.
- .
.
you know, and, it was just a nice thing to do, you know, "I'm sorry, Mr Egg.
" You'd kind of make a little cut on it cos your mum would show you how to do that and you'd apologise when you'd done the bashing.
And now you're a grown-up, are you still drawing faces on the egg? Well, I do for my little girl, yeah.
And there's nothing like a boiled egg.
In fact, now, using your phone, you get the perfect timer for an egg now.
I've just got it off to a T and I'm very good at making boiled eggs.
Has this just become a cookery show? THEY LAUGH When did you last do this, Ray? When was the last time you did it? Um, I was away last week, so it would have been the week before last.
- Where were you last week? - Berlin.
What were you doing there? Just keeping my eye on the Germans.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE HE LAUGHS Oh, that's great.
- Now, what are you thinking? - What do we think? Oh, II don't know.
I don't think it's true.
- What do you think, Rachel? - I think it's false.
- OK, my team say it's a lie, I have to go with a lie.
- OK, so a lie.
Uh, Ray, truth or lie? It's a lie.
PANEL CHEERS Next.
It's Lee.
I can write so well with my right foot that, to save time writing Christmas cards, I LAUGHTER .
.
I simultaneously write one card with my hand and one card with my foot.
David's team.
I think we just want to have a demonstration.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - So, can you write one card to Rob and one to me? - All right.
I can think of another time-saver actually cos you can actually get cards where they've already printed "Happy Christmas" on them for you.
And that's the kind of emotionless man you are.
You get them printed when it says, "Sorry to hear that someone's died," and then you just put "David.
" The person you are.
- Now, um - A couple of cards.
- Yes, so - Couple of pens.
Yeah, now, obviously it's going to be difficult because my sofa's not as high as this, so how do you expect me to sit on there and reach the floor? Yeah, why don't you just use Rob's chair? Yeah, then you sit on the floor.
Can I use your chair, Rob? - Yeah, course you can.
- A nice treat sitting on the big high stool.
ALL LAUGH So, there you go.
Hang on, I'll help you up.
Just So, you get here.
This is me at home, obviously sat on my own.
- I feel like a song now.
- Are you doing both at the same time for us? Can I just say, at school LAUGHTER What? Have you ever had one of those days? See you at the same time next week.
I'm Val Doonican, goodbye.
- Set the scene for us, Lee.
- I'll set the scene.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- You're at home.
- We've left it a bit late.
- Yeah.
My wife's says, "We haven't done the Christmas cards again, "sweetheart," and I say, "Fear not, love, cos remember my party trick? "I cannot If I help you, we'll do it three times as quick.
" There's the three of us - me, her, and the foot.
So, the pen, the red pen for now, will go into the foot.
Thus, OK.
So that card will go on the floor there, like that.
- Do you - Wait Josh, look.
Then the other one goes in the hand there.
I think you'll agree, ladies and gentlemen, I have demonstrated it perfectly.
- I mean, what else is there to do? - Ah, well, it would be lovely - Why don't you try and write - Running out of time, Rob, - we should wrap it up now.
- Why don't you - We're running out of time.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Zzzz! That's the buzzer.
That's the end of the game.
I moved to Scotland? - Why don't you write me - Yeah.
- .
.
with that one - a lovely Christmas message and a lovely one for David? - Here we go.
But still, I can see why this is a tremendous time-saver.
Off you go, start corresponding.
Now.
Ooh, aye, well done.
Well done.
Hey! Well done.
He's doing it.
He is doing it.
LAUGHTER And this one, come on.
Oh, the kisses.
The kisses, good.
- Ooh.
- Here you go, Rob.
Happy Christmas.
All right, all righty.
So, yeah, um Can I have a look? This is yours, David.
It's a little If you received that in the post, you'd think someone wanted to kill you, wouldn't you? - I think we're going to go true.
- You're going to ALL LAUGH So, are you saying it is the truth or are you saying it is a lie? - That's a lie.
- It's a lie.
- Yeah, it isit is a lie.
So, Lee, was it the truth or might it have been a lie? It was, in fact .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't use his hands and feet to write two Christmas cards at the same time.
BUZZER SOUNDS And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal the scores are tied.
It's a draw.
APPLAUSE But it's not just a team game, my individual liar of the week is Ray Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Ray Winstone, he's been responsible for more hot air than a plateful of sprouts.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor who recently starred in the epic biblical movie Noah.
It was a fantastic film to see at the cinema, although they did make you go in two by two, it's Ray Winstone.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And one of the rising stars of British comedy told me he likes this guy, it's Josh Widdicombe.
APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, the star of The Royle Family who played a lazy, good-for-nothing, work-shy layabout, you're in good company tonight, it's Ricky Tomlinson.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And a woman who is brilliant when it comes to numbers, except perhaps the musical ones on Strictly, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction and, Josh, you're first up.
I qualified as a football referee but quit after six matches because the abuse became too much.
Lee's team.
When was this? Uh, it was when I was a teenager.
OK, so thisthis year.
LAUGHTER What division were you in? What division? I was 14 and so II could only referee children - that were younger than me.
- Why did you want to be a referee? I don't know any kids when I was growing up and I would be ashamed if any of my children Only those who couldn't play football.
Well, that was the problem, that I wasn't very good at football but I wanted to hang out with the kids in the football team at school.
Was there one particular incident that springs to mind? - There was.
- What happened? Um I bet you wished you'd now said there wasn't.
ALL LAUGH No, I was refereeing a match Cos when you referee at a kids' level, you don't have your own linesman but a parent from each team has to line through.
Yeah, that's true.
So you've got the parents - running the line, I believe the phrase is.
- There's was a parent running the line and he gave an offside decision but the ball had been played through by the defender, so I overruled and he threw his flag down to the floor in anger - Wow, that's quite angry.
- Wow.
- Amazing, isn't it? - Yeah.
.
.
and said, "If you were my son, I'd be ashamed.
" Well, you can't do him for that.
Oh, that's fair enough.
In that casein that case, it's true.
LAUGHTER Apart from that incident, everything was all right? No, no, no.
There was a time when I gave a child a yellow card and then his manager took me aside afterwards and Sorry, his manager? Who was Was his name Ronaldo? - He had a manager? - Well, not like his own, like the manager of his team, thethethe Can I just say that you have picked him up on the only bit of the story that is true.
You can say manager.
- Can you? - You have to say 'manager'.
- Oh, a manager, - like a football manager? - Yeah, it doesn't mean like his agent.
You're so showbiz, aren't you? "His manager, love, at 14? I didn't get a manager until I was 27.
"Oh, no, I'm not having that.
" - Exactly.
- No, he wasn't So there are managers in football as well? Yeah, it wasn't like that.
You know when you phone to complain about your gas bill and they say, "I'll put you through to my manager," do you go, "Manager, oh, you're a bit special.
"You're a big manager.
" Anyway, this little child had a manager.
Go on.
Uh, I booked this kid for quite a late tackle and He's good.
He's doing well, this manager, cos he's getting him bookings.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Well, he did the opposite, Lee, actually.
- Oh, did he? He took me aside, and if you book If you book a player when you're a referee, you have to then report it to the local FA so that they can be fined.
What did the manager say? It was Christmas, actually, and he said, "You don't want to fine a 12-year-old at Christmas.
" So I reported him and then the guy was livid.
What did he do? He gave me a very low mark cos we got marked out of ten at the end of the match.
Oh, no, that's awful.
Imagine Ray doing that.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Oi, come over 'ere, I'm going to have a word with you.
"I'm giving you 3 out of 10.
" To me, I'm listening to the story, it's a very good story but he's like a grass, isn't he, really? He is like a grass, isn't he, yeah.
What's this? - I'm very disappointed - This is my team! No, hold on a minute, I'm very disappointed.
I'm out I'm on your side which makes me a grass as well.
LAUGHTER Well, I think, looking at that, it looks like Ray is on trial for something and David is his flustered barrister.
And Josh is the child that they're fighting custody over.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All right, so, what are you going to say? - He's got a lot of detail.
- Rachel.
I think it sounds quite plausible, and I can imagine him being rubbish at football and having to turn to refereeing.
- Ricky, what do you think? - I don't I think it's a load of old tosh.
- Oh, no.
Do you? - I do, yep.
- I think he's telling the truth.
Rachel says it's true, Ricky says it's a lie.
Go on.
I'm going to go with true.
OK.
Josh Widdicombe, refereeing children, truth or lie? It is true.
Yes! Hey, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Josh did quit his job as a football referee because the abuse became too much.
Ray, you're next.
- Right.
- HE CLEARS THROA At the bottom of my garden, I built a replica Stonehenge.
ALL LAUGH Lee's team.
How big is this Stonehenge? In relation to the real Stonehenge.
Big enough.
What's it made What's it made out of? Stone.
What type of stone? Can I just check, how big is this Stonehenge? Um, I would say probably half the size of the original.
- That's still massive.
- So, why? Well mymy garden faces south and I think if you've got a nice-sized garden, you've got to have a reason to walk to the end of it.
Here's a question, the great mystery of Stonehenge is how they did it.
How did they get the stones on top has never been solved.
How did you get yours on top? Yeah, the Well, a crane.
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER How did the crane How did the crane get in the garden? I've got a little road that runs up the side of the garden.
- Oh, that's handy, isn't it? - Yeah.
Who did you get to do it for you? Eh? Who did you Don't give yourself time to think.
ALL LAUGH The old classic Would I Lie To You 'eh'.
Sorry, I'm a bit mutton.
"Eh, could you say it again, Lee, "but really slowly and give me a minute?" Sorry, what, Lee? Say that again.
Yeah, who made it for you? Who did the building work? Um, if I remember rightly, his name was Peter.
LAUGHTER Do you use it for anything? Well, I always thought, if one of my girls got married, you know, one day That is one confident boyfriend that's going to come round and say, HIGHER PITCHED: "Mr Winstone, I'd like to marry your daughter.
" DEEP VOICE: "What?" Well, he wouldn't talk like that, would he? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So what do you think, Lee? Is this true? - I It can't be true.
- I think it's so weird it might be true.
- No, not for me, no.
- It's so - I think it's a load of old codswallop.
- We'll definitely say lie to that.
- You say it's a lie.
Ray Winstone, truth or lie? It's true.
Oh, my God! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Ray has built a replica Stonehenge at the bottom of his garden, and we have a picture.
There.
There it is.
LAUGHTER All right.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, John.
APPLAUSE So, Rachel, what is John to you? This is John, he comes to Countdown every single day and presents me with a freshly baked cake.
Ricky, what is John to you? This is John.
If he hadn't have decided to join my band, he could have been in The Beatles.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with John? This is John.
After my mate John was involved in an accident, I went to visit him in hospital but I mistakenly sat next to this John's bed and spoke to him for two hours.
ALL LAUGH - David's team.
- OK.
Rachel, he brings a cake every day? - Yeah.
- What sorts of cakes? Well, last week it was carrot cake cos that's my favourite, and So sometimes he deliberately doesn't make your favourite cake to show displeasure at your maths.
One he did was like It looked like red velvet but with beetroot, that was really good and .
.
I think it was a Victoria sponge John looks gutted that you've forgotten.
How many cakes would you say? Of course he's gutted, he was almost in The Beatles! How many cakes would you say he's given you? 237 cakes? Do you get someone to have a little peck before in case he's poisoned them? - Well, no, cos - Carol Vorderman.
LAUGHTER So, John comes and sits in the studio audience with the cake, and who collects the cake from him? We always have a chat at the top of the show.
We've got a warm-up guy and you go and say hi and he's there every time, so it's just I'm interested to hear that Countdown has a warm-up guy cos I mean that audience really is buzzing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We have a very loyal audience.
What does John Do you know anything about his life? Well, he likes Countdown.
- Yeah.
- So even though he's brought you 237 cakes, you've never asked him anything about his life? That's showbiz.
Can I see John's baking hands, or is he not allowed to move? - You can have a look if you want, Josh.
- Yeah.
Wow, right.
I can check if they're musicians hands as well while I'm up here.
- Exactly.
- What is it you're looking for there, Josh? Just like flour under the nails.
Those aren't the fingers of a guitar player.
- Right.
- Cos they haven't got any hard ends on them.
It's the exact phrase Paul McCartney used when he sacked him.
Exactly.
LAUGHTER What is the worst cake John has ever cooked you? He doesn't do bad cakes.
No, but there still Even among 237 excellent cakes, there still has to be a worst.
You didn't get that voiceover for Greggs, did you? All right, David.
OK, we'll move on to Ricky.
Um, I'm not an expert on music, so I've - You've heard of The Beatles, though.
- I have heard of The Beatles.
So how did you manage to spoil John's chances of being in The Beatles? Well II had a little band in Liverpool.
I used to go round, and one of my mates in my band spotted him and said, "I've seen this fella, he's great.
" And we poached him.
- What did he play? What instrument? - Piano.
- Piano.
- Piano? - Piano.
- Piano.
Piano.
ALL LAUGH So who's the pianist in The Beatles instead of him? So, did you poach him directly from The Beatles? - No.
- He was never in The Beatles? - No.
- Well, how do you know he would have been in The Beatles? Because the band that he was in went on to become The Beatles.
What were they called? Um, first of all it was The Quarrymen, then The Silver Beatles and thenthen The Beatles.
So, I read the book about The Beatles.
What's his surname? John D'Flo.
- John D'Flo? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER You know a lot about it this, OK.
Ask the forensic questions.
OK, when John was in the whatever incarnation of The Beatles, who else was in it at the time? II thinkI think I think it was Pete Best.
- Yep.
- Paul, John and, um - John Lennon.
- Matthew, Mark.
- Luke.
- John joined your band, Ricky.
- Yeah.
- What was your band called? - The City Slickers.
- And did it go well for The City Slickers? I thinkI think John was a little bit Compared to The Beatles, which would you say was the best? - LAUGHTER - I think John was a bit too good for us and he didn't drink as much as us, so he got off.
Did he resent that you'd taken him out of The Beatles? No, I think the hate mail is just part of the game.
David, what about Lee? Remind us of yours, Lee.
OK, so this isthis is John.
After my mate John had been involved in an accident, I went to visit my mate John but mistakenly sat next to this John's bed and spoke to him for two hours.
Why didn't you realise it was a different John? Because this John had had, uh, some bad injuries and, as a result, his jaw was all wired up, he had a bandage over his eye and the bit that was left was a very, very black eye, lots of grazes and scabs, bandage round the face.
And you thought, "My God, that must have been a tough appendicitis operation.
" LAUGHTER Well, I never said I never said my mate John had had appendicitis.
No.
What had happened to your mate John? So, my mate John, he'd been involved in a sledging accident.
He's my neighbour and someone had phoned me and said, "Ooh, John's in hospital, he's had a bad sledging accident.
" How did it happen? It was a weird one.
You know sometimes people go to hospital and they're all right but then go downhill very quickly, complete reverse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, yeah.
So you arrive at the hospital Yeah.
.
.
and do you know what ward John is in? No, I don't know cos I've just raced straight there.
Asked his name, they sent me up to thewhatever, the third floor.
I went into the There's like a mini reception then, and I said, "I'm looking for John, "the guy involved in a sledging accident.
" You didn't think to use the surname of John once you'd got to the mini reception? By this time I was panicked.
So you're very emotionally close to your next door neighbour.
I'm very fond of my neighbour John.
So the process of going to hospital you're panicking, "Oh, my God, is he all right? Is he all right? "I can't remember his surname.
" No, because JohnJohn JohnJohn My mate John lives on his own and, uh I don't I'm not going for the sympathy vote.
He lives on his own, occasionally he goes sledging on his own.
He's a loner.
A very active, Christmassy loner.
He was out with his grandchildren.
So you got to the mini reception.
- Yeah.
- What did you say to the nurse? "I'm looking for John, the sledging accident.
" And this woman sort ofsheit English wasn't her first language.
She sort of said something quickly, like point to the end at the right, so I rush up.
And I'm sat in this sort of, you know, private room just just with his bed and I'm saying to him, you know, uh, "I'm so sorry.
First of all, where are the grandkids? "Do you want me to sort anything out?" And heand he went, "Ohhh, ohhh.
" Which I now know to be, "I think you've got the wrong person.
" When did you discover that this John wasn't your John? When I started to realise something wasn't right was When, in his state, he still managed to mime and go HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES .
.
grandchildren.
That was the bit I thought, something's not right here.
And so Then, as I was thinking, a nurse came in and I said, "Can I just check that this is John who's been involved in the sledging accident?" And she said, "No.
" And I said, "Well, when I asked you, "you said toyou know" It was the same one as the one on thethe reception desk? This is the bit that you're not going to believe.
Yeah.
It turns out, this woman whose language wasn't first language English, turns out his surname is Ledging .
.
and thought that I'd said John Ledging, accident.
Is your next door neighbours surname 'Ladder' by any chance? Don't be facetious, you know it's not.
That's my stepson's name.
ALL LAUGH APPLAUSE All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is John, Rachel's baking buddy, Ricky's musical mate or Lee's poorly patient? It's not Lee, is it? We don't think it's Lee.
I think Ray thinks it might be Ricky.
- Yeah.
- You think it might be.
Yeah, I got a feeling it could be Ricky.
- John, show us your fingers again.
- Hold your hands up.
Thank you.
Oh, it's Yeah, they look like pianist fingers to me.
- Good for baking.
- That's exactly as he was lying when I LAUGHTER There was metal rods underneath like that.
I think, if Rachel was telling the truth, she'd have known more - about his life, cos she knew very litt - Yeah, she's a nice girl Yeah, she'd know at least like about his life at all, would Yeah, you are quite bright, actually.
I think it might be Rachel.
I don't think it's Rachel, but you OK, and you don't You both think it's Ricky, don't you? - Yeah.
- Well, I'll go to Ricky, I think, yeah.
OK, well, I think we're going to say it's Ricky, is telling the truth.
OK, right.
John, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is John.
I could have been in The Beatles, but I left to join Ricky's band.
Yes, John is Ricky's musical mate.
Thank you, John.
- Nice to see you, kid.
- Oh, my God.
- How are you, my friend? - Great to see you.
Lovely.
And it is 50 years, isn't it? Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with - BUZZER - It's David.
Possession.
Ah, there's a box under the desk, David.
Would you take the card out - Yes.
- .
.
and read the card and then show us the possession, please? OK.
CLEARS THROA "This is my frog lamp.
"I LAUGHTER "I pop it on when I go down to the bottom of the garden "to check on the frogs.
" OK, if you could take the frog lamp out and LAUGHTER Fantastic.
And I think it Well, as you know, you can switch it on.
You know how to do it, there we are.
That is, without doubt, the most working class you've ever looked.
- Lee.
- I'm going to save the battery if it's all right.
So OK, the frogs at the bottom of your Are they at the bottom of your garden? Yes.
Are they your frogs in a sort of pet sense, or are they frogs that live wild, like, at a stream that's at the bottom of your garden? There's a bucket of them and II initially That I got from frogspawn in my parents' pond.
A whole bucketful of frogspawn? A whole bucketful of frogspawn.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Or did I? Why do you check on your frogs at night? Because I'm embarrassed to do it by day.
It's ait's a good time, I've been told, to check on them as well.
- But what are you checking for? - Oh, just - Still there? Observing them, see if they're still there.
- OK.
- I like to look at them.
So, question for you - why do you not just carry a torch? What is it you're leaving your hands free for that you LAUGHTER .
.
when you're looking at the frogs? - Exactly.
- What are you doing - Exactly.
- .
.
where you can't just hold the torch? What do you need these for when you're looking at the frogs? No, I I mean, I think it would be possible to check on them without this but, as I have this tremendous hat That's a good question.
So, that is just You just happen to have that hat.
Yeah.
So what did you have that hat for before the frogs? Where did I get this hat? Where did you get the hat? Where did I get this hat? Isn't it funny, I've never seen one like that.
Yeah.
I got this hat This hat belonged to my grandfather.
Was it LAUGHTER Your grandfather was very advanced, wasn't he? I mean, the halogen light.
He must have been the talk of the village.
They must have thought of him as the devil's own, witchcraft.
Why did your grandfather own that hat? I don't know why he owned this hat.
So your grandad gave you that hat? No.
So it was passed on after he died? It was discovered in the garage.
And no-one ever knows what he used to do with it? No.
They're all Did your grandmother just go, "That's curious.
" She didn't even I couldn'tI couldn't ask my grandmother because she predeceased my grandfather by several decades.
Ooh.
Oh, Lee, you're a horrible man.
SHOUTS: There's a clip for the Christmas trailer.
ALL LAUGH BOTH: # Christmas time, mistletoe and wine # Do you touch the frogs? I do occasionally but they don't like it.
- What do they do when you touch them? - They hop off.
- Do they - Not that they're on my I mean they hop away.
- So, what do you think? - Rachel.
- I like it.
I'm buying it.
- You're buying it? - I'm buying SHE LAUGHS You're buying the hat? - Ricky.
- I don't believe him.
- You don't believe him? - No, I don't believe him.
So, what are you going to say, Lee? - We'll say it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, OK.
David, truth or lie? Yes, you've got lucky, it is a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie, David doesn't wear a frog lamp to check on the frogs in his garden.
Next.
BUZZER - It's Ray.
- Oh! OK.
Yeah.
Whenever I eat a boiled egg, I say, "Sorry, Mr Egg," as I bash its head in with a spoon.
OK, so, um, how long have you been doing this for? Since I was a little boy.
Right, and why do you feel you need to apologise to an egg? We used to draw faces on eggs - Yeah.
- .
.
you know, and, it was just a nice thing to do, you know, "I'm sorry, Mr Egg.
" You'd kind of make a little cut on it cos your mum would show you how to do that and you'd apologise when you'd done the bashing.
And now you're a grown-up, are you still drawing faces on the egg? Well, I do for my little girl, yeah.
And there's nothing like a boiled egg.
In fact, now, using your phone, you get the perfect timer for an egg now.
I've just got it off to a T and I'm very good at making boiled eggs.
Has this just become a cookery show? THEY LAUGH When did you last do this, Ray? When was the last time you did it? Um, I was away last week, so it would have been the week before last.
- Where were you last week? - Berlin.
What were you doing there? Just keeping my eye on the Germans.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE HE LAUGHS Oh, that's great.
- Now, what are you thinking? - What do we think? Oh, II don't know.
I don't think it's true.
- What do you think, Rachel? - I think it's false.
- OK, my team say it's a lie, I have to go with a lie.
- OK, so a lie.
Uh, Ray, truth or lie? It's a lie.
PANEL CHEERS Next.
It's Lee.
I can write so well with my right foot that, to save time writing Christmas cards, I LAUGHTER .
.
I simultaneously write one card with my hand and one card with my foot.
David's team.
I think we just want to have a demonstration.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - So, can you write one card to Rob and one to me? - All right.
I can think of another time-saver actually cos you can actually get cards where they've already printed "Happy Christmas" on them for you.
And that's the kind of emotionless man you are.
You get them printed when it says, "Sorry to hear that someone's died," and then you just put "David.
" The person you are.
- Now, um - A couple of cards.
- Yes, so - Couple of pens.
Yeah, now, obviously it's going to be difficult because my sofa's not as high as this, so how do you expect me to sit on there and reach the floor? Yeah, why don't you just use Rob's chair? Yeah, then you sit on the floor.
Can I use your chair, Rob? - Yeah, course you can.
- A nice treat sitting on the big high stool.
ALL LAUGH So, there you go.
Hang on, I'll help you up.
Just So, you get here.
This is me at home, obviously sat on my own.
- I feel like a song now.
- Are you doing both at the same time for us? Can I just say, at school LAUGHTER What? Have you ever had one of those days? See you at the same time next week.
I'm Val Doonican, goodbye.
- Set the scene for us, Lee.
- I'll set the scene.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- It's the run up to Christmas.
- You're at home.
- We've left it a bit late.
- Yeah.
My wife's says, "We haven't done the Christmas cards again, "sweetheart," and I say, "Fear not, love, cos remember my party trick? "I cannot If I help you, we'll do it three times as quick.
" There's the three of us - me, her, and the foot.
So, the pen, the red pen for now, will go into the foot.
Thus, OK.
So that card will go on the floor there, like that.
- Do you - Wait Josh, look.
Then the other one goes in the hand there.
I think you'll agree, ladies and gentlemen, I have demonstrated it perfectly.
- I mean, what else is there to do? - Ah, well, it would be lovely - Why don't you try and write - Running out of time, Rob, - we should wrap it up now.
- Why don't you - We're running out of time.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Zzzz! That's the buzzer.
That's the end of the game.
I moved to Scotland? - Why don't you write me - Yeah.
- .
.
with that one - a lovely Christmas message and a lovely one for David? - Here we go.
But still, I can see why this is a tremendous time-saver.
Off you go, start corresponding.
Now.
Ooh, aye, well done.
Well done.
Hey! Well done.
He's doing it.
He is doing it.
LAUGHTER And this one, come on.
Oh, the kisses.
The kisses, good.
- Ooh.
- Here you go, Rob.
Happy Christmas.
All right, all righty.
So, yeah, um Can I have a look? This is yours, David.
It's a little If you received that in the post, you'd think someone wanted to kill you, wouldn't you? - I think we're going to go true.
- You're going to ALL LAUGH So, are you saying it is the truth or are you saying it is a lie? - That's a lie.
- It's a lie.
- Yeah, it isit is a lie.
So, Lee, was it the truth or might it have been a lie? It was, in fact .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't use his hands and feet to write two Christmas cards at the same time.
BUZZER SOUNDS And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal the scores are tied.
It's a draw.
APPLAUSE But it's not just a team game, my individual liar of the week is Ray Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Ray Winstone, he's been responsible for more hot air than a plateful of sprouts.
Good night.
APPLAUSE