Bewitched (1964) s08e09 Episode Script

Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
Flowers, rise.
I said, "Flowers, rise.
" Flowers, won't you please rise? Is this some sort of a charade? Oh, Mother, am I glad to see you.
No, it isn't a charade and you are looking at one sick witch.
What's happened? I've lost my powers.
Great Halley's comet! I'll call Dr.
Bombay right away.
Oh, don't bother.
He's been here and gone.
Well, how could you get in touch with him without your witchcraft? Well, Esmeralda was babysitting for me and she contacted him.
What did Bombay say was wrong? Nothing.
Samantha.
Well.
Mother, it's very difficult to talk about.
Uh, Dr.
Bombay gave me a complete checkup with his computerized hexometer and couldn't find a single, solitary thing wrong with me.
Then how does he explain the loss of your powers? Well, Dr.
Bombay seems to think that He seems to think that it's a manifestation of molecular mortal linkage caused by a formation of polymers and certain hydrogen elements in a biological unity of two or more dominant species.
Would you like me to repeat that? No, I got it.
Mother, promise you'll try to control yourself.
Yes.
Yes, I will.
It's the result of your mortal marriage.
You got it, all right.
Mother.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[WIND BLOWING.]
Mother, you promised to control yourself.
I did.
If I didn't, this house would be in El Paso.
Have you told Durwood? He merely pointed out that millions of-of people get along very well without witchcraft.
And, well, maybe he's right.
Maybe I can adjust.
Maybe you could.
And I might even learn to live with the disgrace.
But your father is another story.
When he finds out, I wouldn't give two kopeks for Durwood's continued existence.
Oh.
And he's bound to find out sooner or later.
[TRUMPET FANFARE.]
[.]
Correction.
He's going to find out sooner.
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
Mother.
Yes? Wouldn't we stand a better chance of avoiding an explosion if Daddy didn't find out I'd lost my powers? What are you suggesting? Well, there's nothing wrong with your powers.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, I see what you mean.
Mm-hm.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Maurice, what are you doing in that absurd costume? I'll give you a hint.
O that this too too solid flesh would melt.
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.
Going on a diet? No, he's a Danish prince.
Or a Danish ham.
Endora, you have all the charm of a tsetse fly.
All right, Yorick, that will be all for now.
You may go.
[COUGHS.]
Alas, poor Yorick.
He isn't well.
Samantha, my dearest.
Mm.
Endora, for you.
I know how you love to make cutting remarks.
Oh, you're so sharp.
Well, Daddy, I suppose with your crowded schedule you're on your way somewhere.
No, on the contrary.
I've decided to drop out of the witches' race for a while and spend a few days with you and the children.
Oh, how nice.
By the by, how is Adam progressing with his witchcraft? Fine.
And Tabitha? She's doing fine too.
Has she flown yet? Not yet.
Huh.
It's obvious her powers of witchcraft are frustrated with this mortal atmosphere.
As I recall, you were barely Oh, well.
Which reminds me, do you remember that charming little trick you used to do when you were a child? Turning yourself into a polka-dotted unicorn? Remember, Endora? Who can forget? [CHUCKLES.]
She used to butt me with her horn.
[LAUGHS.]
I'd dearly love to see you do that again, Samantha.
Well, I, uh [.]
Okay.
Hm, doesn't look quite the same.
What's the difference? A unicorn is a unicorn.
[.]
What is going on? Darby.
Are you still living here? If you call this living.
What is this, who did it, and how about getting rid of it? Don't be a dolt, this is Samantha.
It's a little trick she used to do when she was a child.
You mean, she got her witchcraft back? Back? Blabbermouth.
What is this all about? Durwood, like the rest of you, your timing is atrocious.
Samantha, is this true, that you've lost your powers? W Well, yes, it is.
Sort of, in a way.
But not actually.
Samantha, why are you hedging? Did I sound like I was hedging? No, it's no use, Samantha.
You might as well tell him.
Yes, uh.
Darrin, why don't you go and wash up before dinner? I'm not hungry.
Something has taken the edge off my appetite.
The lack of admiration is mutual.
Daddy, how about a martini? Let's not avoid the issue, Samantha.
Samantha, I've learned from experience that circumventing the truth is not the way around your father.
Okay.
But, Daddy, you have to promise me that you'll think before you react.
Promise? Oh Well, it's because of my marriage.
Ooh.
[GRUMBLES.]
Ah.
When I met you, my first instinct was to turn you into a leaping lizard.
I'm sorry I didn't obey that instinct.
Daddy, you promised that you'd think before you reacted.
I have thought, and now I'm reacting.
Young man, you are a leaping lizard.
Oh.
Good heavens.
DARRIN: That's funny.
I don't feel like a lizard, leaping or otherwise.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, Dr.
Bombay.
Did you find something that could help me? No, but I've isolated the bug you've got.
Bug? The computer couldn't find anything wrong with me.
I'm afraid that computer has a few bugs of its own.
What you have is a rare disease called perimeridictamitis.
I'm working on the cure right now.
In the meantime, you must all avoid direct contact with her and above all, no one must kiss her.
This might cause a complete loss of his or her powers.
Make that "his.
" Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Don't worry, my dear.
How long will it take you to find a cure for this perimeri? P? P? Perimeridictamitis.
No way of telling.
Few hours, few weeks, couple of months, few years.
Lucky for you, I have a new assistant who's on a fellowship from Witches U.
Lucky for me, she's not a fellow.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, well, well.
If I didn't have scruples, wouldn't I be in a lovely position to pay you back for all the nasty things you've done to me? Fortunately, I don't have any scruples.
Darrin, be careful.
Young man, take my advice and take her advice.
When the mighty fall, the jackals come to call.
As poor old King Lear said in similar circumstances: Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks.
Rage.
Blow.
You cataracts and hurricanoes.
Oak-cleaving thunderbolts I think now would be a good time for me to go to wash up.
Come back.
I'm not through yet.
As far as I'm concerned, you are.
Darrin, watch it.
Before you find yourself in orbit around the planet of your choice.
Or you may turn into a leaping lizard after all.
Daddy, what were you saying? I was saying: Oak-cleaving thunderbolts, singe my white head.
And thou all-shaking thunder.
Crack nature's moulds, that make ingrateful man.
Oh, Daddy, that is absolutely Rumble thy bellyful.
Sorry.
Spit, fire.
Spout, rain.
I said I was sorry.
[.]
[GROANS.]
Good morning, Mother.
Did you sleep well? Sleep? I was up all night.
Samantha, I'm worried sick about your father.
We must be very kind and considerate of him.
And above all, let's not let him know how concerned we are.
Right.
Sam, I'll have two three-minute eggs and Oh, good morning, Endora.
Make that one one-minute egg.
That way, I can leave the house sooner.
Durwood, I'm not in the mood to bandy words with you.
Where is poor Maurice? He's coming down.
I had to show him how to use my razor.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
The thought of Daddy having to use a razor.
Oh, it's ill-making.
It's just ill-making.
That fine proud figure of a warlock, reduced to this.
Good morning, all.
Good morning.
I've had the most marvelous experience.
I shaved with a razor.
You know, it's remarkably efficient.
And it gives one's skin a bit of a tingle.
Mm.
Is that smoked pheasant I smell? No.
It's just ham and eggs.
Ham and eggs? That sounds a very intriguing combination.
Oh, Maurice, you don't have to pretend with us.
We're your family.
Why don't you let me zap up some pheasant for you? Here, let me help you to the table.
Endora, have you gone completely batty? Oh, I can't bear to watch this.
I just I just can't bear to watch this.
What ails the old girl? She's a little overwrought about your losing your powers.
Ridiculous.
What your mother doesn't What your mother doesn't understand is that this temporary loss of powers presents a unique opportunity to me.
Opportunity? Of course.
To find out how the other half lives.
Well, that's a very sensible attitude.
I'm glad you feel that way, because do you know what I've decided to do today? Come with you to your office to take a look around.
[COUGHS.]
Why? I'm interested in knowing what you do for a living.
Well, I'd like to oblige, but I'm afraid I can't.
I beg your pardon.
No, I have to prepare for an important meeting.
You don't seem to understand, young man.
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
You're the one who doesn't seem to understand.
Without your powers, you have no way of forcing me to agree.
Excuse me.
[.]
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry, but I just had to assert myself.
I know.
But asserting yourself in front of Daddy is not conducive to continued good health.
What can he do to me now? [.]
Oh, my stars.
You were saying? [CLEARS THROAT.]
H How about coming down to the office with me, Maurice, and having a look around? Oh, Betty, there you are.
I'd like you to meet my father-in-law, Mr Just Maurice.
How do you do? Charmed, my dear.
What a lucky devil you are to have such an attractive amanuensis.
Oh, no, I'm just a secretary.
Yes, that's what I meant to say.
Hi, Darrin.
Oh, hi, Larry.
Uh, you know my father-in-law.
Oh, of course, of course.
How are you? Going to a wedding? No.
Oh.
M-Maurice just thought he'd come down to the office with me today and sort of, uh, look around.
Yes, and so far, what I've looked at is most pleasing.
LARRY: Uh, Benson's due any minute and we still haven't gone over these layouts.
Think this color match is close enough? Mm-hm.
"Benson's Chili Con Carne.
" That's chili with meat.
Thanks for the translation.
Can I be of any other assistance? Well, if you really wanna help, um, why don't you sit right here at my desk? Uh, Betty will give you a pad and a pencil, and if you come up with any ideas for a slogan or a campaign for this chili, just, uh, write them down.
But I've never tasted it.
Well, you don't have to taste a product to sell it.
You don't? [CHUCKLES.]
That doesn't seem logical.
Logic has nothing to do with advertising.
Suppose we step into my office? Right.
Uh, just ask Betty, and she'll get you coffee or anything.
[.]
Would you like some coffee? No, thanks.
But, uh, what comes under the heading of "anything"? [LAUGHS.]
When do you suppose that fool doctor is going to come up with a cure? Soon, I hope.
Although Daddy's attitude is remarkably good.
Mm.
For him.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Dr.
Bombay.
About time.
DR.
BOMBAY: Hello? Hello? Ah.
There you are.
Do you have the cure? Yes, I've found the antitoxin to perimeridictamitis and here is the prescription.
The apothecary will fill it for you.
I'll take care of it.
No, no.
You'll have to zap Samantha there.
The apothecary insists upon examining the patient before filling the prescription.
Why is that necessary? Well, he claims that lately, a lot of witches have been given the wrong drugs through sloppy diagnosis.
You're the only one who treats witches.
Do you have to be so blunt about it? [.]
Well, Bombay's done it again.
You mean, his diagnosis was wrong? No, he's right, and it's the second time this year.
Well, that's a relief.
Now, how soon can I have the antitoxin? Oh, that's tough to say.
I'm a slow worker.
Except with a groovy chick like you.
How's about a little kiss, cutie? Oh, come on.
Now, stop fooling around.
Who's fooling around? I'm serious.
It gets kind of lonely here, you know? You know something? Girls move a lot quicker than they used to.
All right, you like to make a little game of it, do you? Okay.
Now Now Now, look, um Why don't you tend to business? This is my business.
The shop is just a hobby.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS, COUGHS.]
[COUGHING.]
Um.
You better give me that prescription before you have an attack.
Help me to that chair.
[GROANS, COUGHING.]
Oh, before I catch you, I've gotta catch my breath.
[SCREAMS.]
I've got you.
No.
[LAUGHING.]
Where are your ethics? Oh, let's see, now.
I used to keep them up there on that shelf.
Now, look, once and for all, will you give me that antitoxin? Only in exchange for a kiss.
Would you settle for a lukewarm handshake? I want a kiss, a whole kiss, and nothing but a kiss.
[GIGGLES.]
Don't worry, honey, I'll get your prescription now.
I just wanted to refresh my memory.
Well, I think this one really stirs the appetite.
Uh, a cowboy cooking over an open flame in the fresh crisp air, and the copy, "Out of the saddle and into the chili.
" Very effective, don't you think? You really wanna know what I think? I think I know what you think.
Ah.
There you are.
Oh.
We'll be through in a minute, Maurice.
Why don't you wait in the waiting room? But what about my suggestions for the chili? Hah.
Not now.
W-w-wait.
I'd like to hear those suggestions.
I'm getting desperate.
I take it you're Mr.
Benson? Yeah.
Sir, you are to be complimented.
Your chili is delicious.
Thank you.
That's already better than what I've heard.
The mistake you made, Durwood, was not tasting the chili.
He didn't even taste it? Heh.
The poor guy doesn't even know his son-in-law's name, so I wouldn't [PHONE BUZZES.]
Excuse me.
[.]
Now what? Sam's in the outer office.
You'd better get her in here.
She's the only one who can handle him.
Tell her to come right in.
MAURICE: Sam, come in, come in.
Hi, Larry.
Darrin.
Hi, Sam.
Hello, Daddy.
This is Mr.
Benson, Mrs.
Stephens.
Oh, how do you do? Delighted, I'm sure.
My daughter.
Oh.
How nice.
Well, it appears that this business meeting is turning into a family reunion.
Well, we are going to change it back into a business meeting.
Come along Daddy, I have your medicine.
Good, but first I want to give Mr.
Benson my ideas on advertising his chili.
Well, why don't you take your medicine first? I did, and I feel wonderful.
No, thank you, dear.
I think I'll go it on my own.
Mr.
Benson, to be honest, I'd never tasted chili before.
I'd understood that chili con carne was a very ordinary food.
I found it to be a rare treat, a veritable gourmet dish.
Poor guy's lost his marbles.
He's got something you haven't got.
What's that? Class.
If, indeed, it is thought of as ordinary, all the more reason for giving it aristocratic appeal.
Oh, that a man's reach should exceed his grasp.
Or what's a heaven for? Robert Browning, right? Precisely as I dictated it to him.
Now, here's the sort of thing I had in mind.
Picture a very distinguished man.
About your height? More or less.
An attractive man of obvious breeding seated at a table set with fine china, linen, and candlelight.
A butler offers him a dish.
He holds up his hand and says, "Take away the caviar and bring me Benson's Chili Con Carne.
" Oh, my, isn't that an interesting approach? Naturally, she'd like it.
I like it too.
That makes three of us.
Four with Darrin, right? Right.
Never underestimate the power of my father-in-law.
I think he's hit on a theme that just might catch on.
Might? My dear sir, I know nothing about advertising, but I am an authority on human foibles.
One of the most sensitive of these is ego.
Strike a man there and you touch home, believe me.
I believe you, I believe you.
You're one of the most convincing people I've met.
Of course, you realize I did it with no spell whatsoever.
No what? What does he mean, "no spell"? Well, he's just pointing out that he He didn't have to use any tricks.
Right.
Well, Sam, I'm sorry you have to rush off.
Come along, Daddy.
Well, goodbye, all.
It's been charming.
And, Mrs.
Stephens, you should be very proud of your father.
I think he's dynamite.
Oh, I do too.
And I never know when he might explode.
[.]
Daddy, you sure you won't stay for dinner? No, thank you.
My dear, I want you to continue practicing your witchcraft in spite of what this buffoon tells you.
Now, just Stop, Darrin.
Don't say anything you might not live to regret.
Daddy, I appreciate the advice, but it's rather hard to ignore your husband's wishes.
It's not so hard, believe me.
Endora, I know that beneath that cold exterior there beats a heart of ice.
All this family warmth is underwhelming.
Darby, I'm warning you Uh, Darrin, I need some help in the kitchen.
Please.
Endora, I take my leave.
How about a real kiss for your old flame? Well, if he shows up, I'll be glad to kiss him.
Come on, Endora, come on.
Stop pretending.
Well Sure, I'm grateful to your father.
I just wish he'd stop using me like a doormat.
Well, as long as he doesn't change you into one what difference does it make? That man.
That man.
Do you know what he just did? What? He kissed me.
Oh, how sweet.
Sweet? The wretch.
He hasn't taken the antidote, and now I have the bug.
[LAUGHS.]
Isn't that a shame? Oh Darrin, this is no joking matter.
MAURICE: Yes, it is.
I saved half of this for you, my dear.
After you sip, how about a little sup? I beg your pardon.
I was thinking of that little place we used to go to, on the Milky Way.
Daddy, what has gotten into you? Oh, just some fond memories.
[.]
Um Ciao.
Oh, isn't that charming? Just like anybody else's mommy and daddy.
You're kidding.
[.]