Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e09 Episode Script

Tonight, it's the final challenge before the title round.
And roastmaster general Jeff Ross Hey, everybody.
will mentor the comics in their ultimate task.
Don't hold back.
They'll turn up the heat to roast legendary comedian Gilbert Gottfried.
Then two comics will take to the stage We are here for our final elimination battle.
After tonight, only five of these comics will head to the finals for a chance to win $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Wow.
Six comics left.
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing workspace at the Jon Lovitz comedy club here at Universal Citywalk.
We're about to find out what the last challenge is.
And it's gonna be a big one because it's the last one before the final five.
It's time for your final challenge.
Wow.
You survive this, you get a shot at all the marbles.
You can't be last comic standing if you don't make it to final five.
Oh, I want to win this challenge really bad.
This week's challenge we're simply calling "The Roast.
" It's a time-honored tradition where comedians tell jokes about a special guest.
The roast is about honoring and ripping at the same time.
Roasts got popular with Dean Martin in the '70s.
And it's gonna be cool.
It's my first one, you know.
I'm a roast virgin.
I bet you're wondering who will be the honored guest.
Well, you have a lot to work with because you guys will be hurling your finest insults at the hilarious Mr.
Gilbert Gottfried.
Yes, Gilbert Gottfried will be our roast honoree.
Watch this.
For over 40 years, comedian Gilbert Gottfried's signature squint and trademark voice have helped him succeed in everything from stand-up and television to animation and advertising.
Most recently, a wave of celebrity roasts have allowed a whole new generation to discover Gilbert Gottfried's often shocking, but always funny brand of humor.
If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
I have watched Gilbert Gottfried since I was, like, 14.
He's funny.
So it's an honor for me.
Of course, I wouldn't just leave you to figure all this out on your own.
You'll be working with a guest mentor who's an expert in the art of the roast, the roastmaster general himself, Jeff Ross, baby.
Jeff! Hey, everybody.
Jeff Ross, he's like the roastmaster.
You've seen him on all the Comedy Central roasts of, like, every celebrity you can name.
So he's, like, a master in this department.
Jeff, you know they got hair and make-up, right? All righty.
- He's in roast mode.
- I love it.
How many people have done a roast before? - Nobody? - Nobody.
This is gonna be so much fun.
Anybody who attends a roast, that includes me, J.
B.
, they're fair game, too.
So don't hold back.
There's nothing worse than watching a roast and people going, "aw, they went easy on him.
" And he's not a very good-looking guy, so there's a good target there.
Now, here are the rules.
Jeff will be in the audience watching, laughing, and judging.
At the end of the night, he will pick the winner.
That comic will automatically advance to the title round.
Prep time starts now.
Roast.
I know Gilbert Gottfried, but I don't know him.
So the notes and research time is very important to crafting a nice roast.
- How are you? - Good, good, good.
- How you doing? - How's it going so far? Oh, man.
Just trying to gather some info and read the bio.
The height 5'5" is kind of showing.
Say he's 5'3" if you want.
There's no fact-checking at a roast.
There you go.
This is what Jeff Ross do.
He's made a career out of talking about other people.
Oh, he was on SNL for one season.
So what the hell happened there? Right.
Just ask him.
See what he says.
Right, so, I ask questions I like that.
Engage him so that he has to not just listen - but interact with you.
- Okay.
And then everything gets blown up.
I got this joke.
I said, "He looks like a small penis with a personality.
" Maybe with less personality.
With less.
There you go.
He is a family man.
He has a couple kids.
- Really? - Yeah.
Somebody had sex with him? Delivering the jokes is basically a party.
It's already done, you're just kind of putting it out there.
- Right.
- But to me, thinking up the most evil thoughts in your head, that's This should be the fun part for you.
Have fun with it.
It's not school.
I know you're wearing your shirt from fifth grade, but it's not school.
Yeah.
This this is what I wear.
Do I dress like that? I'm gonna say, "Gilbert is known for his unique voice.
" And I go, "but that should clear up once he stops the estrogen treatments.
" You think that would work? That's a great joke.
You know, this is perfect for you.
You have a very sort of roast-y style anyway, sarcastic.
And, you know, your jokes are economical and short.
What's your opening? You want to try it on me? - I'm happy to - Okay.
I'm the last female standing on this show.
But that damn Joe Machi wouldn't let me be the last lesbian.
God.
That's great.
Try to remember to say it to him.
- I will.
- It'll be even more Yes.
Yes, I will.
- Yeah.
- I love Jeff Ross.
But I really, really want to talk about how much he looks like Barbra Streisand to me.
I just can't He really does.
You might want to start a second piece of paper.
You're writing on the corner of that.
Oh my goodness, look at this.
Oh, yeah.
I have really bad chicken scratch.
We got the unabomber manifesto here.
Oh.
I'm gonna take it in a totally different direction.
I'm gonna try to roast everything and every like, anything.
You're almost deconstructing the roast.
- Right.
- So you want it to be really clear.
Right.
You want to be super original and have it kill.
Right.
And if it doesn't work out, you can go back to being the Bob's big boy model.
No laughing on the crew.
Quiet, crew.
Time's up.
So, Jeff, how'd they do, man? They in shape for the night or what? Everybody's taking it very seriously, which I think is essential to a roast.
So crush it tonight.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thanks again, Jeff, for all your help.
And we'll see you tonight at the roast, baby.
Thanks, man.
All right.
- Whoo! - Keep writing.
The roastmaster general himself.
One last thing.
The roast challenge will take place at the beautiful Avalon Theater in Hollywood.
It's a classical venue that's been the scene of many roasts.
And since we're going old-school Hollywood with this, the event will be black tie.
Go get ready.
Good luck.
We're already down to six comics, and we're narrowing it down to five.
I'm gonna go tell jokes as best I can.
And may the best comedian win.
I don't have anything to wear.
We walked in and I saw the setting.
And I was like, "this is this is a roast.
This is a traditional roast, the way I used to watch them.
" It was like a dream come true.
It's gonna be fun.
Hey.
I can't wait.
And we're getting ready to roast Gilbert Gottfried.
A lot of us, you know, we worked really hard at this.
And I haven't won immunity yet, but I hope the comedy gods are smiling on me.
I hope I don't bomb or get booed.
- Let's have fun.
- Good TV, baby, good TV.
Okay.
Welcome, everybody, to the Last Comic Standing roast of Mr.
Gilbert Gottfried, right here.
Keep that applause going for mentor comedian Jeff Ross.
Everybody.
Stand up, Jeff.
What's up, everybody? Let's get this roast started.
First up to do some damage, my man, Joe Machi.
My competitors are here tonight.
I would roast them person by person, but none of them are famous, and they're all going to lose.
Jeff Ross is here.
Jeff looks like he smells really bad.
But he doesn't smell bad.
He smells good.
And he's really funny.
Vote for me.
Uh, I want to acknowledge someone who isn't here, the 94 comedians that did not advance this far.
The classy thing to do would be to tell them that comedy is subjective, and there's no shame in not being here.
That's why I would like to say none of you were funny, and you should quit.
The audience is here tonight.
Hey, audience, nice shirts.
Of course, I meant that sarcastically.
You all look stupid.
Do you know why you're all in the audience? Because you don't have any talent.
If you had even the slightest bit of talent and no shame, you would be Gilbert Gottfried right now.
Speaking of Gilbert, I looked him up on Wikipedia.
Apparently he's a comedian.
Gilbert did the voice of the Aflac duck and the Aladdin parrot, which goes to show, if you're a really bad comedian, you can do cartoon birds.
I'm just kidding.
I know Gilbert, and I know he's just doing this for the money.
Thank you.
Once again, let's hear it for Joe Machi over there.
Last Comic Standing will be right back.
Coming up, the roast gets even hotter.
Damn, damn, damn.
And later, Gilbert gets his revenge.
Joe Machi is proof there's nothing the mentally challenged can't accomplish.
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing roast.
Hide your valuables, the next comic is Karlous Miller.
Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen.
Karlous.
Jeff, you are uglier in person.
I want to introduce you to some of these people that you've never seen before.
That is my friend, Joe Machi, one of the nicest serial killers I've ever been around.
My man, J.
B.
Smoove.
Yeah, you look just like that mascot for Planter's peanuts.
Damn.
Got me.
Ms.
Nikki Carr.
Nikki has been famous for a long time.
I know you've seen her on Good Times.
She was the mom.
"Damn, damn, damn.
" Next to Nikki, we have my man, Rocky Laportes.
I believe he's one of Roseanne's ex-husbands.
Now that we're all familiar with each other, I will proceed with the roast of, uh oh, Gilbert Gott hey.
I don't know you.
You haven't made it to the black community yet after 40 years.
This is God's punishment for something.
What did we do? You've been known for doing a lot of voice over work.
And you are the voice of everything annoying.
Ladies, if your monthly cycle had a voice, it would sound like Gilbert Gottfried.
Thank you.
Next up is the handsome one himself, Mr.
Lachlan Patterson.
How about another round of applause for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, you guys? Really.
Joe Machi, ladies and gentlemen.
"Freaky eyes" Machi right there.
Joe, you have the face of a beautiful child that just found out he has leukemia.
So - Karlous.
- How you doing? How you doing, Karlous? Is that ankle bracelet too tight for you, buddy? Could we get could we loosen Nikki Carr.
Nikki, I admire you so much for what you are doing to inspire young women and letting them know that they, too, can go out there and become the black guy from Ghostbusters.
Really.
I mean, very talented.
Rocky.
Very talent a legend in comedy.
Rocky Laporte.
Rocky's been doing it for a long time.
- Haven't you, buddy? - Yes, sir.
Rocky performed for the troops in World War II.
I don't know if you guys know that.
Can you hear me, Rocky? Jeff Ross, you are a comedy poet.
Jeff, you look like the before picture in anything.
But the real reason we're here is to honor a legend in comedy, Mr.
Bobcat Goldthwait.
I'm really happy to is it not Bob? I thought it Gilbert Gottfried.
Excuse me, Gilbert Gottfried, ladies and gentlemen.
Gilbert, it is an honor.
I loved you in something, I'm sure.
I'm sure I did.
I just I was hoping Aladdin's first wish would be "kill the parrot.
" Your face looks like someone's about to hit you.
You know no one's gonna hit you, right? I just The reason Gilbert shouts his joke is so people can still hear them while they're booing.
But honestly, Gilbert, it is an honor to roast you.
I'm a big fan.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
So far, the roasting has been relentless.
Coming up next, Rod Man.
Okay.
I'll start with J.
B.
Give it up for your host, J.
B.
I always look forward to coming to work every day and watch J.
B.
read the cue cards.
It's it's it's a man versus words every day.
It's a man versus words every day.
My main man, Lachlan Patterson, right there.
Yeah.
And nobody loves Lachlan more than Lachlan.
I can tell you that.
Give it up for my lady last lady standing, Ms.
Nikki Carr.
Yeah, we I don't really like to say much about Nikki because she's a she's a she's a big, black woman.
Let me say that right off the top.
She's a big, black woman.
She's not to be played with at all.
So I don't really talk about Nikki that much.
The honoree of the night, my man, Mr.
Gilbert Gottfried.
Give it up.
I had to do some research on you.
But what can we say? He was fired from every job he's ever had.
He's been fired from every job.
I don't know who he pissed off, but he has been fired.
He's like a black man, really.
He's been fired from every job he ever been on in his life.
He was the Aflac duck.
We understand that.
He got fired from that, too.
He got fired from that, too.
And the thing about Mr.
Gottfried I never met you before.
You like a you're like a little grown baby.
I want to say that right off the top.
Yeah.
You're like a little grown baby.
I just feel like I should put him in a car seat or something and just ride around in the carpool Lane.
That's how I feel about Mr.
Gottfried.
But that's been my time, man.
Give it up one more time for Mr.
Gilbert Gottfried.
I've been Rod Man.
Thank you, Mr.
Gottfried.
Big fan of your work, man.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Coming up next is Rocky Laporte.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the first time I've actually been in front of a judge that I didn't have to address as "your honor.
" Karlous Miller's here tonight, sort of.
And I think me and Karlous are becoming good friends, you know.
Like, just the other day, he asked me to pee in a cup for him.
I don't know what the hell that was all about, but, uh, yeah.
Lachlan Patterson's here tonight.
Give Lachlan a big hand there, huh? He keeps telling me he gets mistaken for a lot of movie stars.
And just the other day, we were walking down the street, and somebody was like, "Hey.
There's Cloris Leachman.
" That too old of a reference? And our guest of honor, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Melissa Gilbert.
Please, uh Gilbert Gottfried, I love you, man.
I recently found out that me and Gilbert are neighbors, when he had to register with the police department.
And he's given so much to the comedy world, like herpes and cold sores.
But honestly, I'm a big fan of Gilbert's.
And I'd like to say in closing that Gilbert Gottfried is to comedy what Rosie O'Donnell is to men's swimming.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks, buddy.
Don't worry.
There's more comedy on the way.
Last Comic Standing will be right back.
Coming up, it's time for Nikki Carr to stick a fork in Gilbert Gottfried.
My deaf grandmother gets up and turns off the closed caption when you're on.
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing roast.
Here is Nikki Carr.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes, I am the last female standing.
And I'm black.
There should be some sort of scholarship into the top five.
That damn Joe Machi wouldn't let me be the only lesbian left, though.
I'm kidding, Joe.
Lesbians get girls.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
You know, it's not easy to stand up here and roast someone you admire and respect.
You know? But I don't feel that way about you, so this is gonna be easy.
The truth is I do admire you.
You're like a combination of other people that I truly like.
You could be, like, the love-child of Buddy Hackett and Fran Drescher.
Or Lily Tomlin and a vibrator.
I don't know.
Your voice is so annoying.
My deaf grandmother gets up and turns off the closed caption when you're on.
They say you're the dirtiest comedian ever.
Your mouth is like a toilet.
I don't know if it's because of your material or all the butt you have to kiss to get out of the trouble that your jokes get you into.
They say you've been telling jokes since you were 15 years old.
That is impressive.
Keep it up.
You're bound to tell a funny one one day.
I think Gilbert Gottfried does his material with his eyes shut because he doesn't want to be at his own shows.
But if you would do your jokes with your eyes open, you would see that the whole audience's eyes are closed anyway.
You don't have to worry about it.
Listen, that's my time.
Thank you very much.
I am Nikki Carr.
Thank you.
Time for a little payback.
Please give it up for my man, Gilbert Gottfried, baby.
Look at these six comics.
How sad is it that Nikki Carr is the best-looking guy among them? Nikki Carr, shouldn't your name be more like Nikki minivan? Nikki is a lesbian who is out of the closet, because, quite frankly, she couldn't fit in it.
- Lachlan Peterson.
- Oh.
I've been told that you performed earlier tonight, but I have no memory of you whatsoever.
Really? I was right there.
You're tall.
You're Canadian.
And you're boring.
Lachlan spells his name with an h, which is silent.
Silent also happens to be the sound an audience makes when they watch his act.
Karlous spells his name.
K-a-r-l-o-u-s.
Only someone from Mississippi could misspell his own first name.
Rod Man, your name is perfect because after you lose this competition, you'll be hanging drapes.
Joe Machi is proof that with a lot of discipline and hard work, there's nothing the mentally challenged can't accomplish.
Joe, I look at you, and I just want to punch you in the face.
Rocky wants to win Last Comic Standing so that he can spend less time on the road and more time with his family.
Nice sentiment, Rocky.
But I think you should ask your family if that's what they want.
Thank you.
Good night.
Not only did everybody do good and it was very funny, Gilbert nailed us, like, so bad, that, that was hysterical in itself.
So I was very, very happy to be part of that.
Okay, it's time to find out who won tonight's roast challenge.
Let's hear from our mentor, Jeff Ross.
Jeff, what did you think about tonight? Well, first of all, it was a great roast.
There were no bombs.
I mean, usually at a roast, Gilbert knows somebody usually him bombs at some point.
It's gonna be a tough decision.
For me, it comes down to Nikki and Lachlan as the two best tonight for this roast.
Nikki, you are a star.
It is so hard to go on last at a roast.
You're not just a roaster.
You're a closer.
And that is pretty impressive.
You know, you hit home runs tonight.
Lachlan, your jokes were super, super smart.
You were really prepared for only having today.
I'm super impressed.
Very, very cool guy, man.
- Thank you.
- All right.
The time for talking is done.
Jeff has made his decision, and I have the verdict in my little hand right here.
Mwah-mwah! Ooh.
I would love to win this one.
I've always wanted to be on a roast.
Now I have a chance to win it.
The winner of the roast challenge who will be in the final five and will compete in the title round is Say my name, J.
B.
say my name.
- Nikki Carr.
- Yeah.
That's Nikki Carr, y'all.
Congratulations.
Congratulations, Nikki Carr.
Come up here and take a bow, girl.
I feel like I'm gonna spontaneously combust, you know, and just words like joy and euphoria and bliss and all that are gonna just pop all out of me, you know.
Thank you.
Nikki had a strong set.
But I also got something from Jeff, a lot of encouragement to keep pursuing this tradition.
I hope one day to continue being on celebrity roasts.
Thank you.
We got it.
We got this.
I'm gonna take it all the way to the end, ladies.
I promise.
Thank you, everyone here at the Avalon.
Good night.
We love you.
When we come back, it's the final head-to-head showdown of the season.
Two comics will be fighting for the last spot in our final five.
Good Morning.
Congratulations goes out to Nikki for winning the roast challenge.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
For the last time, you're gonna vote to send one comic into tonight's head-to-head elimination show.
So let's get the voting started with Rod Man.
Okay.
Go get 'em.
This vote is an important vote because if you make it through this, you'll be in the top five.
So I don't want to be the one not in the top five.
Good day, people.
This is a tough vote.
That's the last one.
I think I'm funnier than I feel great.
This is the last elimination.
I won't have to walk up them stairs no more.
All the votes have been cast, and I'm ready to reveal the results.
Excuse me, because I love this part.
Let's see who you guys picked.
Oh.
I wish you could just read my mind on this one.
That's one vote for Joe Machi.
I got to vote against the person who I think, gonna vote against me.
So I think I'm funnier than Lachlan lackland Peterson.
That's my Gilbert Gottfried impression.
He just kept calling him "lackland Peterson.
" Let's go again.
I'm gonna vote for the guy who I think is the best.
I know I'm funnier than Rod Man.
Wow.
What's next? I think there's a match-up everyone wants to see.
I think that's Rocky versus Karlous, old school versus public school.
So I'm gonna say I know I'm funnier than Karlous Miller.
- Good luck to you.
- Man.
We're gonna keep going, y'all.
I think I'm funnier than Joe Machi.
That's one vote for Rod Man, one vote for Lachlan, one vote for Karlous Miller, and two votes for Joseph Machi.
Now this is the last vote.
I think the man to beat in this competition is Joe Machi.
I think I'm funnier than Joe Machi.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Well, looks like I am going to be telling jokes again tonight.
You know, we came here to tell jokes.
I'm supposed to tell jokes.
So I will tell jokes.
Which comic do you want to face in a final head-to-head elimination show? Keep in mind that you can only choose a comic who cast a vote against you.
Nikki has immunity.
You can choose between Rocky Laporte or Karlous Miller.
Let's give them a good show.
Let's do me versus Karlous tonight.
- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How about that? I will go out there, and I will do some jokes that the judges may not even expect to hear from me.
So I'm just gonna try to hit them with something that they never even thought.
Like, "How did Karlous even know how to say that word?" So Joe Machi will face Karlous Miller in the final head-to-head.
The rest of you, congratulations.
You have made it into the final five and will compete in the title round.
Yay-yay.
Dodged a bullet.
Joe picked Karlous, so I can't tell you how happy I am to be in the top five.
Go get ready for tonight's show.
And I'll see you all at the Comedy Store.
This is a big one, the last one before the final five.
I'm a competitive person, and I want to win.
I got a shot, but it's not gonna be a slam dunk.
That's for certain.
I have never been this nervous to do anything before in my life.
I'm very excited because the stakes are very high, of course.
Let it all hang out one time.
See if I still got the juice.
Hey, guys.
Hey, how you doing, Russell? Joe, he just got challenged the last time.
Joe's burning through his material.
And Karlous, he's had a chance to ride it out a little bit.
This is where you really determine who wants to move on to the next level.
I think you've got the talent to pull it out.
And you've got a loaded gun still.
This is do or die, and if it starts to feel in your head like it's not going the right way, don't let that affect you.
All right, guys.
- Good luck, Karlous.
- Thank you.
- Good luck, Joe.
- Thank you.
Tonight, the two comics will walk out on this stage will be fighting for the last spot in our final five.
Now let's say hi to our judges over here.
Roseanne, Keenen, and Russell.
Coming to the stage, give it up for Karlous Miller.
I'm from Mississippi, the home of racism and struggle.
I came to California to get rid of racism.
And as soon as I got here, the Clippers owner said he didn't want black people at the Clippers games.
What kind of sense does that make? That would be just like me owning a dog park in L.
A.
And saying I don't want no white people to come.
I like California.
They took me out to Venice Beach.
Those are the most talented homeless people I have ever seen in my life.
They had a homeless, drug-addicted magician.
He said he could lick the bottom of your shoe and tell you where you've been.
I let him lick mine.
He said, "Boy, you done got yourself in some [bleep.]
, baby bird.
" Don't you hate when you spend the night over at somebody's house and their covers stink? "You can just sleep right here.
" "No, these covers smell like ass.
I ain't even sleepin'.
" Is anybody in here with that musty friend? You know how you got that musty friend.
They try to get drunk and give you a hug, and now you musty? I'm the only one? I see a few people looking at me weird.
Shout out to all the ladies who got facial hair.
I was talking to this girl the other day.
She had a thick mustache.
She was like, "I don't need a man.
" I'm like, "You could be your own man, sir.
" Shout out to all the ladies who got fake hair and real dandruff.
These are things I do not understand.
All the fellows in here who do not have a baby mama, don't get one.
That is the worst STD you can get.
It's like being in a gang.
You can't get out.
You got to die out.
Hey, I'm Karlous.
Thank y'all.
Give it up for Karlous Miller.
- What up, Karlous? - What up? You know, you did some stuff that was current and now and literally affected today.
- Yeah.
- Good set.
Appreciate.
Keenen.
Karlous Miller.
I missed the energy that you had in your first It's this California weed, man.
You know it's true.
As I look in his eyes, I know he's not lying.
Would I lie to you? Come on, man.
Well, I don't know if weed worked in your favor.
It's just what I saw in you before was bigger and more exciting and, I thought, more reflective of the potential that you have as a comedian.
This was a little this.
The Karlous I saw the first time was here and through the roof.
That's the guy I like.
Roseanne.
I have facial hair and the dandruff.
Come on, Roseanne.
You know you need a black man.
The white dudes keep leaving.
I know.
Actually, I kind of leave them.
You know, but But anyway, I think you did good.
And, you know, you had some big laughs.
Some of your jokes are, like, made in China, though.
They're really generic and [bleep.]
you say in bars.
You've got to step it up if you really want to go on.
I'm saying that because I think you've got, like, a lot of it there.
Saying you're high and stuff like that, you know I mean, it's funny, like, in a bar to say that.
But we're talking about, like, going onto television stardom.
So that's my feedback.
Put your hands together one more time for Karlous Miller.
Coming up, Joe Machi gets his turn at the mic.
But if you don't like that, this other guy can grab your penis.
Make some noise for my man, Joe Machi.
Oh.
Say, everyone, I just want to give a quick shout-out to our judges.
They have to vote tonight.
And voting is tough.
Even in America.
They say we have a choice of our leaders, but how much of a choice is it when we have to pick between the same two bad options over and over again? That's like the choice you have going through airport security.
"Hey, this guy can take a picture of your penis.
"But if you don't like that, this other guy can grab your penis.
" "What was the first one again?" Everything is so political these days.
I heard about this radio talk show host who didn't like what this woman who testified in front of congress had to say.
So he called her a slut.
And I don't know about the politics behind that, but I do know you don't persuade other people with insults.
Especially sluts.
If you think calling a slut is the way to get a slut to do something You don't know how to talk to sluts, my friend.
I don't do very well with the ladies, mostly because of stuff like that joke.
I asked out a lady recently, and she said, "I would rather kill myself than go out with you.
" I'm like, "those weren't your only two options.
" I think I kind of struggle socially because I always say dumb things.
Like a girl texted me once, saying, "Joe, I'm sorry I was being so rude to you about you not showing up for the movie, dash, menstrual cycle.
" And I'm like, "what a great idea.
" Whenever apologizing, just add a really embarrassing physical condition that kind of relates.
So I wrote to my friend, "Sorry, I was in such a rush the other day, dash, premature ejaculation.
" Thank you, everyone.
Joe Machi.
What you got for him? Well, Joe, I just recently got to know you from the show, and I've become a fan of yours.
And I look forward to seeing what you're gonna do next.
You continue to wow me.
Thank you.
Roseanne.
Joe Machi.
You know, you're just a great writer.
You're a great comic.
And I think you had a really good set.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Keenen.
Joe Machi.
What you got for him? Well, you know, I kind of want to hold my comments, but I just want to say good job.
Hmm.
One more time for Joe Machi.
It's all up to the judges.
The winning comic will be safe and will claim the last spot in our final five.
You're only supposed to come here with your best and, you know and do what you do.
It's like, you're competing against you.
I think he didn't have another five minutes, and he wrote this five minutes based on, "[bleep.]
, I better say something.
" - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what it was like? Like, "I got five new minutes I want to try out on you.
" That's basically it.
And, you know, some of it's gonna work.
Some of it's not.
Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so we know, right? - We know.
All right, the judges have made their decision.
Judges, any final thoughts? It's the end of the road for one of you, but it's not really the end of the road because you're about to move on to the next level in your career.
Congratulations.
Whoever goes home tonight, if you're really willing to work hard for it, either one of you could come back and take it next year after you whittle all your rough edges off.
In show business, many are called, few are chosen, even less go on.
And the difference is how bad you want it.
And every opportunity you get, you bring it.
Whoever goes home tonight, remember that.
And the next time the opportunity presents itself, bring your best.
There it is.
All right, in my hand right here I have the judges' decision.
The last member of our final five is gonna be Joe Machi.
I'm really happy I'm going to the final five because it feels like I'm on the right track to get to do the things that I've always wanted to do.
Give it up for Karlous right here.
It just sucks to lose at anything.
But I'm proud to say that I made it this far.
We are now down to our final five.
Rocky Laporte, Rod Man, Lachlan Patterson, Nikki Carr, and that's Joe Machi.
These are the final five.
Karlous Miller is not done.
He goes on to the online Comic Comeback Competition, where he'll be facing last week's winner.
Go to nbc.
com to watch his new set and vote.
Next week, our final five enter the last phase of the competition, the title round.
Say, gang.
But before they take the stage, they'll be mentored by a legendary stand-up comedian.
Whoa.
Say hello to my good friend, Jay Leno.
Ask me anything.
And then, the comics will take center stage to do what they do best.
If you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.