Last Man Standing s08e09 Episode Script

1 - Mr.
Baxter.
- Uh-huh.
I need your help.
Listen, we've already talked about this, okay? There are no psychotic clowns living in the sewers, okay? No.
I need you to protect me from Vanessa.
Protect you from Vanessa? She loves you.
You must have really screwed up.
She loves me too much.
You know how I applied to the Rocky Mountain Geologic Institute? RMGI, yeah.
Your mascot is the Earth's crust.
Go, Crusties.
Now get out there and play, and make sure everybody walks all over you, everybody.
Vanessa heard they're sending out acceptance letters.
She keeps asking me whether I've heard from them.
(STAMMERS) I'm-I'm-I'm gonna get some coffee.
Come into the kitchen.
Hold on a second.
Come on.
I wrote a vlog about this about a year ago.
It's how sometimes when the people we love just want the best for us Yeah, yeah, cool story.
How do I get Vanessa to back off? Just be patient.
She's probably just nervous about you getting in that school.
I'm nervous enough about it already.
Every time Vanessa asks me, I can feel my hypothalamus telling my adrenal glands to flood my veins with epinephrine.
Oh, Jen, hey, uh, have-have you heard from the school yet? Honey, honey, can't-can't you smell that? Epinephrine? No, I haven't heard anything.
All right, well, fingers crossed.
You know, it's the best geology school in the state, and if those "pebble" know anything, of "quartz" they'll let you in.
(LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGH) Help me.
Have a good day, Jen.
(STAMMERS) Honey do you think we should be pushing Jen to put all her eggs in one basket? Remember we did this with Eve and West Point? When they said no, she was devastated.
No, no.
Jen has applied to a bunch of other schools, and, look, RMGI is-is legendary.
It would mean the world if I got in.
If you got in? No, look, do not put words in my mouth.
I said "if I got in".
Okay, I heard it that time.
It's so cool that Jen wants to have lunch with us.
Oh, no, no, she-she doesn't.
She just wants to avoid Mom, and I offered to help her because I'm great at it.
In eighth grade, I saw Mom exactly twice.
- Hi, you guys.
- Hey.
So, where are we going? Well, Mandy wants pizza and I want tacos, so we're gonna let you pick.
Pizza with gooey cheese and tomatoes? Or, even better, tacos with gooey cheese and tomatoes? Speaking of choices, I have something I want you to think about.
I have a lot to think about already.
Thanks, though.
No, you can't get out of this, Jen.
He's gonna force some wisdom on you.
He's done it to me my whole life.
Me, too, and I love it.
Okay, you think you just have one choices of restaurant.
That may not be the case.
You might get there and it's closed, or there's too many people in it, or you don't want to be there, but you know there's always other restaurants to go to.
- Do you follow me? - Yes.
No, but I feel this is for Jen's benefit, so I'll save my questions.
He's talking about my college applications.
Oh.
This may take a while.
We will wait for you in the car.
- Come on, babe.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, but I'm going back to school.
I want to hear what makes college a restaurant.
Okay.
I appreciate your advice, Mr.
Baxter, but I really don't want to think about colleges right now.
Okay, well, then don't check your e-mail every five minutes.
Actually, I was watching one of your vlogs.
Well, you certainly don't want to binge on those.
You'll lose a whole weekend on that stuff.
Did you, did you like one of them? What'd you, what'd you see you liked? It's that one where you relate your love of deep-sea fishing to the economic policies of Ronald Reagan.
Oh, yikes.
The Gipper and Flipper.
It's a classic, it's a classic.
That's a great one, good one.
I'm impressed how you can combine humor with insight, all while creatively highlighting the Outdoor Man brand.
Wow.
Look at you.
Getting to understand marketing strategy, are you? You know what? I'm about ready to shoot a vlog in 20 minutes.
You want to watch how we do it? Uh, did the Gipper love jelly beans? I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Great, I just have to tell Kyle and Mandy, okay? Oh, you don't have to tell Kyle.
He's probably listening right out there.
Kyle! She's not having lunch with you.
Okay, thanks.
Okay.
We have the brisket plate and the brick chicken.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry for the wait, guys, I just, you know, well (CHUCKLES) I'm carrying my own load of bricks.
Should Kristin be waiting tables? Huh.
No, probably not, but you know the Baxters, they're tough.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
You know, Mike once sewed one of his fingers back on.
What? Just-just take a look next time.
The knuckle's on the wrong side.
- (LAUGHS) - Okay, fellas, here's your check.
- Hey.
- Whew.
I need a breather.
(SIGHS) What are you doing waiting on tables? Are you short-staffed or something, what? Ah, probably.
I need to set up some interviews, but, uh, oh, I'm just so busy.
Kristin, you shouldn't be working a lunch shift.
You should put your feet up.
That's how I got into this mess.
- (ED MUTTERING) - (CHUCK LAUGHING) No, no, no, no.
I'm okay.
You know, I-I take a break here and there.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Wow.
- I know what I'm gonna do.
- Hmm? I'm gonna give that brave little lady a big fat tip.
You're a good man, Ed.
Yup.
You could be a good man, too, Chuck.
I don't see why one of us just can't be good.
- Hey, hon.
- Hey, Vanessa.
Good, good, good, you're finally home.
Jen wanted to see how the vlogs were made, and then we stuck around a little while, I showed her how I put the graphics in and edit.
- It was great.
- It was amazing.
I never knew marketing was so fascinating.
To see Mr.
Baxter craft his vlog is to watch Van Gogh paint.
- Okay, whatever.
- MIKE: We're not done yet.
You see, now let her finish, let her finish.
It was so much fun, Vanessa.
I even pitched him a line and he used it.
Tell her the line, tell her.
Go ahead, tell her, tell her, tell her.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) "You don't have to be a vegetarian to want to save a buck".
You get it? It's a, it's a pun.
It's a pun, but it's entertaining 'cause it's not about rocks.
That's, uh-uh, very, very clever, Jen, that's It was just one line.
The rest of the genius was provided, of course, by Mr.
Baxter.
Okay, well-well, speaking of genius, uh, guess what came in the mail today.
- Picture of me? - No! A big, fat envelope from the Rocky Mountain Geologic Institute.
- Oh, wow.
- You got in.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, congratulations, Jen.
Well, look at that, I did get in.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Jen, why-why aren't you excited? I You're in shock.
No.
I just don't know if I want to go there anymore.
I think I'd rather go somewhere with a marketing department.
What did you do? VANESSA: Don't you dare play innocent with me.
You lured that child with your slick vlogs and your clever slogans.
Ooh, "Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man".
- Lured? - Lured, yes.
You make it sound like I was waiting out front in a van full of candy and crack.
Marketing is a great profession.
I studied it at University of Michigan.
Yeah, well, they teach it at the Ohio State University, too.
Yeah, but at Michigan they teach it properly.
You know, Jen's father sent her here to become a scientist, and geology needs smart, passionate, talented young women.
- Every field needs those.
- (SIGHS) You know, do you remember my mentor Professor Quinn? Yeah? He encouraged me when geology was almost entirely male and not particularly friendly to women.
Because none of those men had ever met a female.
You know, Professor Q told me to never give up.
He always had my back, and Jen, Jen is my chance to pay that forward.
Right, so this has nothing to do with turning Jen into a carbon copy of you.
Of course it is.
And all that other high-minded, "good for society" crap.
I You can't strong-arm a kid into doing what you want them to do.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
No, you're right, you're right.
That is what marketing is for.
Well, you know what, Mike? I can get through to Jen, and you are not the only one with a van full of crack.
Do you know that literally every device in this house listens to us now? If the government is listening, we do not have a van full of crack! Chuck, could you call my phone, please? Yeah, sure.
Did you lose it again? No, no, no, see, I've-I've got a cramp in my quad and I-I need a-a massage (PHONE BUZZING) Ah, there we go.
(LAUGHS) Just call me back in 20 minutes.
That feels good.
Hey.
Hey, Ed, take a look at this.
You got a shoplifter? No, no, no, no.
This is from the camera on the loading dock.
ED: Good Lord.
She's playing Hacky Sack.
I'm zero months' pregnant and I can't play Hacky Sack.
- Ed.
- What? Do you think ? She's playing us? Oh, yes.
Yes, that's another thing about the Baxters they know how to work the con.
- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? - I am planning a lesson on density, and I am arranging all of these in order from lowest to highest.
What's wrong? You've got your limestone where your amphibolite should be.
Have you lost your marble? (BOTH CHUCKLE) All right, first of all, I love you.
- I - (CHUCKLES) And second, how can you throw away all this amazing knowledge? Oh, I'm starving.
What do we got? Oh, rocks again? Can't we have pea gravel just once? No, I listen, I-I'm trying to prove to Jen that she still has a passion for geology.
- Of course I do.
- Yeah Well, great.
Fantastic.
RMGI, here we come.
Vanessa, I'm still not sure about RMGI.
It's nothing but geology, and what if I want to do something else with my life? - It would be perfectly all right.
- Mike Think about it.
Don't we know somebody who had a very fixed idea of what to do with their life - and then they completely changed direction? - No, no.
You cannot compare Jen to Kristin.
Jen did not get pregnant in high school.
Right? I meant you.
Geologist-turned-teacher - who may run for office? - Oh, no.
Don't you dare use me against me.
Listen, kids like Jen became exchange students so they could learn and grow, and I think we've done a good job here.
Yes.
Yes, you have.
Living in America has really opened my mind and made me realize I could become something I never even dreamed of.
Right.
Well, America helped, but it's mostly living here.
With me.
Vanessa, Mr.
Baxter, I'm gonna be a social media influencer.
Thank you both.
What did you do? Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.
This is a sonar fish finder.
You know, if Nemo's dad had bought one of these, that movie would have been four minutes long.
You see, most fish don't want to be found.
So we invented this baby.
You can swim, but you can't hide.
Yeah, fish need depth to survive, so fishermen explore the depths to eat.
Rest of society? Not too interested in depth.
In fact, if you go online, you'll realize the more shallow the better, right? And you sell some "new" makeup, boom you're a billionaire.
A kid unboxing a toy a hundred million views? Oh, and a cat chasing a dog? Humanity grinds to a halt.
Hell, it's gotten so bad, if you just call a song "Shallow", we'll give you an Academy Award.
But a TED Talk, a TED Talk about the complex decision-making of a bacteria, the oldest living organism on Earth: boring.
No one's forwarding that video.
Which is why bacteria will be here long after we're gone.
It probably explains the fever I have right now.
You see, when you're completely unserious as a species, who knows what depths we'll sink to? Man, oh, man.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
We can get as serious about fishing for meaning as anglers are fishing for dinner.
And if you buy one of these, I'll throw in a piece of equipment that makes fishing with your buddies even more meaningful.
The Sportsman Gasmaster 6000.
It's a motion detector it looks like a camera, - but they walk by it and - (FART SOUND) Wow.
That It works somehow without batteries.
And that's a Baxter out.
- She's on her way up.
- Okay, good, good, okay.
- Now, remember, right, she comes in.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
We tell her the cat's out of the bag.
- Right.
- Right? She apologizes, - and that's it.
We move on.
- Well, yeah Hey, guys.
What's up? Thanks for coming in, Kristin.
How are you feeling? Uh, you know, same.
(CHUCKLES) - Mm.
- Actually, pretty busy, so Okay, excuse me, excuse me, Kristin.
(CLEARS THROAT) It's come to our attention that, uh, - maybe you're using your, uh - Condition.
Yeah, condition.
Thank you.
To, uh - let's say - Take advantage.
Take advantage.
- Of our clientele.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
We've seen discrepancies in your behavior.
One minute you're barely able to walk across the restaurant, - the next minute - And the next minute, you're kicking a Hacky Sack around like you're at a Grateful Dead concert.
So that's why you called me up here? You guys (CHUCKLES) You think I'm taking advantage of my pregnancy? - Yes.
Yes.
- That's pretty much it, yes.
You're accusing me of putting on an act to squeeze a few extra bucks out of my customers.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Well I am.
Now, look, look, honey, we-we Do you have any idea what it's like to be pregnant? (CHUCKLES) Answer me! (STAMMERING) C-Carol mentioned it was a little uncomfortable.
Oh, yeah.
You don't sleep.
You get a heartburn without even eating.
The smell of hummus makes you want to barf.
- Ooh, that's-that's specific.
- Yeah, yeah.
- People touch your belly without even asking.
- Whoa.
Clothes feel like sandpaper and you pee every time you cough.
Or laugh, which you never do anymore because you're pregnant.
The only advantage among the zillions of disadvantages is that people feel sorry for you and they tip a little bit more.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) But you're right.
Yeah, that's-that's unprofessional.
Well, that's, that's sort of a strong word.
- Yeah, I wouldn't put it like that.
- Right.
- Oh, y-you wouldn't? - No No Uh, so, okay, so if it's not unprofessional, then we don't have a problem? - No, no - We're good here, I'm good.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much, yes.
Say thank you to Uncle Ed and Uncle Chuck.
(LAUGHTER) "Thank you".
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) I'll expect you for lunch.
Bring your wallets.
Oh, yes, that's a, that's another thing about the Baxters, huh? They're terrifying.
VANESSA: So, Jen, we want to talk to you about your future as a social media influencer.
I know.
I'm so excited.
Yeah.
Not gonna happen.
What? You can't do that.
Of course we can.
America's a-a democracy, for sure, but in here it's a dictatorship.
- We're co-dictators.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, your father sent you here to get an education, not a million followers.
But it's what I really want to do.
Again, we don't care.
Unbelievable.
And I thought you guys were cool.
Don't feel bad.
Our kids frequently made - that same mistake.
- (LAUGHS) Look, if you guys would just let me tell you, I think you'd love it.
Okay, tell us.
I can't really tell you.
I love it.
I mean, I have to show you.
Just keep in mind, it's only the concept.
- All right.
- I shot it on my phone, and I'm really not that good with the editing software.
Oh, no.
Exactly what I was afraid of.
Hi, I'm Jen, and I love geology.
And I'm gonna make you love it, too.
Most people think rocks never change.
They just sit there like, you know, a rock.
Hell, that's kind of cool.
But some do, and you know who discovered it? A rocking girl named Florence Bascom.
(GUITAR RIFF) My Florence Bascom? (LAUGHS) She was the first female member of the U.
S.
Geologic Survey.
Oh.
For a minute, I thought it was the housekeeper from The Brady Bunch.
Flo figured out that over time, rhyolite becomes a different kind of volcanic rock: holocrystalline.
How much time? Millions of years.
About as long as it takes Congress to get anything done.
Yeah.
I like that.
As the only woman in her classes at Johns Hopkins University, Florence had to sit behind a screen so the guys wouldn't be distracted by her.
(SAD TROMBONE SOUND EFFECT) But she didn't give up, and neither should you.
So, girls, keep digging.
Mica drop.
Jen out.
I know, I know.
It's so dumb.
I can't believe I showed you.
- It's awesome.
- Yeah.
It's really good, Jen.
It really is.
- Yeah.
- You really think so? - Oh, gosh.
- Because I have a lot of other ideas.
You know who you should send this to? The Geologic Institute? Yeah, you should send it to them, but also your dad.
He would be very proud of this.
You know who else would be proud? Professor Q.
Wow.
See that? You got her all "sedimental".
Sorry, we don't have tacos and we don't have pizza.
And I think you knew that.
So is there anything on the menu that you would like? Okay.
- Ah, it all looks so good.
- Mm.
You know, can I do the, uh, the short rib plate? A-And can I make a substitution? - Sure.
- Okay.
Uh, instead of the short ribs, can you make that ground beef? And can you serve that on a tortilla with some onions and chopped peppers? Uh-huh.
Yeah, um You? Uh, I think Oof.
Ooh, hard.
- Hmm.
- Um, I'll have the linguine with marinara, but instead Ha, let me guess.
Hold the linguine and put the sauce on one of the pitas from the falafel plate? Top it with mozzarella and pepperoni? That sounds so great.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) If you guys wanted pizza and tacos so bad, why did you come here? Oh, we have a coupon.
And it's both of our birthdays.
But instead of the free cake, can we substitute Get out.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)