Portlandia (2011) s08e09 Episode Script

1 Headlines this morning: corporations dodge billions in taxes through loophole - Hey, good morning.
- Hey.
Looks like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders there.
Who doesn't right now? - I don't.
- How? Well, it's kind of like letting go.
But Fred, this is the time we're supposed to participate, we're supposed to step up.
No, just try to stop understanding what's wrong, what's right.
The less you care, the happier you'll be.
Top 25 reasons to be outraged this week.
[MELLOW, FUNKY MUSIC.]
Ice caps are meltin' day by day BOTH: But some deny it's true Drought, famine, flood, and fear and war To tune out the news BOTH: Let's give up Let's just give up now We can't keep up, give it up now Nap all day Let's nap in sunshine Not depressed, love my naps, yeah Come on, Skippy.
There you go.
[DOG WHINES.]
Walk yourself.
Wore the same clothes as yesterday My sweater has a stain I'm just too tired to read or write I'll binge TV tonight With the press of a button The hunger goes away BOTH: Let's give up Let's all give up now Quit Facebook, not startin' Snapchat We can't keep up, give it up now I'm using paper plates on every holiday Eh, don't bother.
I'm having juices delivered At four times the rate - Let's give up - Life hacks and shortcuts Rules for living well - Let's give up, baby - They sold us on heaven But why does it feel like hell? - Let's give up, baby - Nothing left to say And nothing left to lose I can give up on me, but I won't give up on you There's something that we can do together There's something that we can do Let's give up [EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
[WHEELS ROLLING AGAINST GRAVEL.]
[BIRD SQUAWKING.]
[ELECTRIC GUITAR SQUEALS.]
- Gate is nice and creaky.
- Yeah.
[GATE CREAKS.]
Can you believe all this food? I-I love it, it's so good, although I don't know if I like good food better than bad food, honestly.
Who throws out cupcakes? I-I say let's take some of this home.
Uh, do we need a doggy bag? Let's just take the whole can home, baby! - Let's just take it.
- Yeah.
- All right, ready? - Yep.
- You're not pushing.
- Are we pushing or pulling? - I'm pushing.
- I'm pulling.
We're rats.
This thing is enormous.
Looks like you're pretending to push.
No, pull, pull! ALL: Whoa! No! [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
[GATE CREAKS.]
[ECHOING.]
Jacqueline! [SIGHS, GROANS.]
- Jacqueline? - Yes? You didn't pull in the garbage can, did you? I did not.
I can't find it.
Maybe it rolled down the street or something.
It wasn't windy or anything, was it? What if one of the neighbors took it? Oh, yeah.
See anything? I see a bicycle and a cooler.
No trash can.
Anything, Vince? No, I just see a rake and gardening tools.
Why don't we just get another one from the sanitation department? Vince, we-we have to solve this.
Excuse me.
Uh, have you noticed anything strange recently? Anything, uh, weird? No.
[DOG BARKS.]
How about this house, Vince? Why is that fence so high and obscuring? It's like they maybe they take things and hide them.
Like our trash can.
[BOTH GRUNTING AND GROWLING.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Well, I like this part of town.
Yeah, good neighborhood.
Here we go.
So it's a studio.
Uh, plenty of room.
Little kitchenette area.
Mm.
Is there a bathroom? Uh, yes, right [DRAMATIC STRINGS SWELL.]
- How much is this place? - Fifteen hundred a month.
It just seems like a lot for this small space.
Totally understandable.
Uh, let's see.
Got another option.
Which neighborhood? Any neighborhood you like.
- Okay.
- Okay? I got you.
What do you think? [UPLIFTING PIANO MUSIC.]
- Oh, the car.
- Uh-huh.
So what would you consider this? Is it like like, bedroom-bathroom-wise? One bedroom.
One living room.
This would be the living room.
And your-your bed [MUSIC STOPS.]
[SEAT CRANKING.]
And then when you sleep, you just [TOY BOX MELODY TWINKLING.]
And you can nod off, and then, you know, and then when someone asks you to move [HORN HONKS.]
Just look at this.
Look how modern.
Mm.
We're in the future.
- Is there a kitchen? - Yes.
So, this, see this, um, cup holder? You can put your coffee in there and put your store, if you buy a sandwich, you can put it here, or a burrito.
People are buying burritos these days.
No, uh, alcohol on the premises.
- Very, very important.
- All right.
Remember, your house can kill people.
Well, let's show you the rest.
Well, here's something that's really nice.
We have a little outdoor shower.
Come on! I-I get it.
[LAUGHS.]
But a small, like, stream of water There's windshield wiper fluid in it as well.
- So the soap is mixed in? - The soap is mixed in.
All right, yeah, I mean Yeah, I like it! It's up to you.
Uh, we got plenty of closet space.
You could hang up your clothes there and right over here.
And then we've got entertainment.
Whoa.
[LAUGHS.]
It's a little awkward looking.
It's a romance.
Feels like an invasion of privacy.
Look at that.
Crystal clear.
Really nice.
Huge screen.
Oh, it's very clear.
Do you want me to change it? - Can you? - Yeah.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Ugh.
I love Wachowski movies.
I think I'm gonna move to a cheaper city.
- Hi! - Hi.
How you doin'? Good to see you.
Hi, baby.
Do you remember me? I'm your I'm your doctor.
Can you say "pediatrician"? Pediatr no, he's not gonna say it.
He looks great.
I-I looked at his chart, and his weight is great, and he's feeding well.
- Yeah.
- It's all positive news.
I'm gonna see you one more time when you're 21, then that's it.
We do have one little bit of worry.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong? He's not doing any bits.
- Like comedy bits? - Mm-hmm.
I saw one time a baby do a "stick 'em up" thing, but he didn't do it, like stick 'em up.
Stick 'em up.
- Hey, does he do accents? - We tried.
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
Scotland.
Scottish baby.
How is he with pr-props, as you can tell? No prop work.
Hello? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, it's for you.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
I mean Okeydoke.
Just no Let's-let's see how he responds to jokes.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right? I just went on a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport! [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Maybe it's too old a reference, or How does he compare to other kids his age? Everyone's different.
Everyone develops differently.
Like, look at this baby.
[LAUGHS.]
You have to laugh at this.
Yeah, he's now, like, a wise wiseacre type.
He's, like, saying, "If you think this food's bad, check out what my brother's eatin'.
" It could go the other way too.
This baby, the parents are scared.
This is what I call kitchen sink humor, 'cause the baby does so much shtick - He's a clown.
- A clown.
And we don't want a clown.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned.
I am a little concerned.
What do you recommend, Doctor? You know what? Maybe I'm old-school.
Gum.
I'd like to see a baby like that chew some gum.
As much gum as he can fit in, and then go one more.
Now he's got gum in his in his cheeks.
Three months from now, he's doing a "Godfather" impression.
[SLAP BASS WALKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT LO-FI MUSIC.]
ALL: The dream of the '90s is alive in Portland The dream is Ali-i-ive Hey, check it out.
I've been wanting a new drum for a while.
That's rad, man.
[HORN HONKS.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Do you guys have, like, 25¢? Do you BOTH: Do you? Do you? [BOTH MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS.]
Hey, it says "don't walk"! Can't you read? Hey, there, guys.
Hey, do you have a-a dollar? No.
I don't have a dollar.
I'm a cop.
- You're a cop? - Yes.
They redesigned our uniforms.
[LAUGHS.]
Gotta get you guys to move on.
Ah, you're just pushin' us around.
- Hmm? - I don't care.
We'll move on.
How am I gonna get this up the hill? No, man, just leave it.
Smells like trash.
Aww.
Bye, can.
[WIND HOWLS.]
Okay, sweetheart, tuck in.
Here we go.
That's a good girl.
Get Mr.
Bear.
So, Madeline, we are gonna try something a little different tonight, okay? We are gonna try sleeping with the lights off.
You're old enough to be very, very brave.
If you can't sleep, I want you just to grab your colors, coloring books, okay? Do some coloring.
All right? - Okay.
- Good girl.
Good girl.
Night-night.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC FADES.]
[EERIE WHISPERING.]
[DISTANT BANGING.]
- [GROWLS.]
- [GASPS.]
[BOTH GROWLING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
Mom! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Can't see anything.
It's hard to see with all the bushes and trees.
There.
Do you see our trash can? Oh.
They have a grill.
Should we get a grill? Mom! Honey, honey! Whoa, hi.
What's going on? I saw something.
There's two of them.
I think they're monsters.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Okay, okay - It was, like, two of them! Madeline.
Madeline.
Lie down.
Lie down.
What did I say if you felt afraid? What should you do? - Color.
- Did you color? - No.
- Okay.
Well, then, there you go.
Color me a nice, beautiful picture, okay? - But I saw something! - You're so brave.
Mm.
You are the bravest.
[MAKES KISSING SOUND.]
Night-night, sweetheart.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT.]
I like those windows up there.
You know, it reminds me of that necklace I had.
It was just like like that.
[ BLADE SWISHES.]
- Oh, the tight one.
- Yeah, it was like that.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[GROWLING.]
You're next! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
[GROWLING.]
Your mom can't save you now! - Burning in hell! - 666! - You're next! - [LAUGHING.]
You know, it's so dark.
Maybe we shouldn't just if we could just see into the yard.
I'm just gonna use the lights on my phone.
Oh, that's a great idea.
[MONSTER GROWLING.]
[WHISPERING.]
Oh, my gosh.
She slept in.
Oh, my goodness.
Honey.
Rise and shine, sweetheart.
Honey? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
What is Oh, my gosh.
What are "666" [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
Honey we'll get her a night light.
Thank you so much for coming in to talk to us about your job, we appreciate it.
All right, you guys.
Next up, we have two people who some would call "entrepreneurs," so give it up for Fred and Carrie! Hi, guys.
- Hi! - Welcome! - Thanks.
- So happy to have you.
Hi.
Hey, everyone.
We work in something called the gig economy.
You guys know about being self-employed? Yeah, so some people call this the gig economy or the sharing economy.
We're kind of like digital nomads.
Okay, you want to write that down? "Digital nomads"? There is an app called Lifer.
A job comes in on the app, and I do things like drive people to work or pick people up from a bar and take them home.
Or deliver food.
Whatever the app tells us to do, we do.
Yeah, I'm my own boss, but also, this is kind of my boss too.
Hi, you have a question? - Does Lifer pay for your gas? - Nope.
Lifer does not pay for my gas.
I pay for my own gas because I'm a grown-up.
I'm an adult.
- Any questions? - Yes? How many hours a day do you work? I love this question.
"How many hours a day.
" Twenty? Twenty-two? Yeah, it's awesome because we make our own hours.
You're raising your hand a lot.
What will happen when there's self-driving cars? We'll still have a job because the self-driving car will pull up to a house, but someone still needs to get out of the car and bring the pad Thai to the door.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Sorry.
I'm getting the same one, me.
Oh, look at this address.
That's here, isn't it? Who's ordering pizza? Oh, you-you ordered pizza? Oh, well, we're gonna have to go get it.
I am gonna run out and get you guys some pizzas.
- Thank you.
- I'll be right back.
- Thank you for coming.
- All right.
For sharing.
Thank you.
All right, next up, we have a gentleman who writes recaps for TV shows online! [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh, look, Tuck and Patti just wrote an email.
"Need a loan.
Automatic payment, sex.
Click link for need.
" Nuh-uh.
Don't click on it, Peter.
- Why not? - They clearly got hacked.
Our friends are asking us to click a link for need! That's the worst thing we could do, Peter.
Nance, someone someone worked really hard.
You've gotta create a link.
You've gotta put it in the body of an email.
It that's a lot of hard work, and we're just ignoring it.
- Peter.
- All right.
Nance? How come we never get hacked? I don't know, hon.
Maybe they just think we're boring.
If we get hacked, w-w-what do you what do you think they'll find? Well, you've taken all those photos of the scones you love eating.
Yeah, but d-don't they d-d-d-don't they don't they want something more exciting? Like what, Peter? [WHISPERING.]
Nude.
You know, like, nude nude, you know The what? N-naked nudie pics.
A nakie noodle-oo? Peter! - Yeah! - No.
I don't think it's about nudes.
If-if they uncover a picture of my-my-my pud or my thigh, Th-this way, at least it's something that's exciting.
That's what they're looking for.
I don't want to waste waste their time.
We want these to be to be the kind of pictures that people who love pornography, even they'll say, "This is too much for me.
" Heavy nudity.
Yeah, we want the kind of photos where someone looks at them and-and they say out loud, "Jackpot.
" Mm-hmm.
Sh-should I s-smile? Nance? [SWANKY FUNK MUSIC.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
They're gonna find these.
Maybe we'll act like we don't want You're gonna need a bigger lens.
What's wrong, Peter? Well, it's I'm just it's frustrating because we we still h-haven't been hacked.
Well, Peter, the hackers are busy.
You know, they have a whole world to hack.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I'm just being selfish.
I just maybe there's some way we could help them or something.
You know, maybe there is something we could do.
[LAPTOP CHIMES.]
Oh, damn! It looks like Peter and Nance got hacked! [MOANS.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
- Hey! - Trash! Trash can.
Starboard.
Okay, bring it in.
A-O, river! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Nance? I can't find my wife.
Nance? I'm right here by this black garbage can.
Said there was valet parking, but I couldn't find anybody.
Cacao! [MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
- I'm Bryce! - I know.
- You're Lisa! - Are you okay? Hold up! I'm stopping.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[WHISTLE TRILLS.]
That means I'm stopped! Bicycle rights! BOTH: No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! - Huh.
- Huh.
All right.
Lean with me.
We're getting pretty good at this.
One, two, three, four, five uh What do we do with this? Does this stay with the house? Uh, no, let's put it on the bike.
- Does it even belong to her? - Yeah.
Let's take it.
All right.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Where does this trash can go? That one? - I think it's this one.
- Thought it was this house.
- Are you sure? - Wait, now I'm confused.
Well, it's got a skull on it.
Probably goes to the scary house.
[EERIE TWINKLING MELODY.]
[BIRD SCREECHES.]
What is it? Jacqueline, when did our garbage can go missing? Do you remember that? It was it was before Lugosi was born.
It must have been eight years ago.
I think this is it! - No.
- It's gotta be.
Because there's the skull, and remember, we painted it on the side? That's exactly it.
That's so strange.
How would it get back here? It's been so long.
It's alive as we are dead.
- [BELL RESOUNDS.]
- Farewell, bin.
May your spirit as the undead roll around the world for eternity.
You roamed around the city, and the people came, and they threw more trash into you, and your burden grew heavier.
I have to do a quick thing for the family.
Sorry.
[GROWLING INDISTINCTLY.]
garbage canister [GROWLS INDISTINCTLY.]
I guess there really is no good way to say good-bye after all these years.
[STIRRING STRING MUSIC.]
So we wish you the best.
- [SCREECHES.]
- [GROWLS.]
[DANZIG'S "LONG WAY BACK FROM HELL".]
So it's a long way back From hell And you don't wanna go with Me!