Scrubs s08e09 Episode Script

Hello.
If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to begin this morning's rounds with a joke.
Denise.
Mmm, I don't really have one.
No, I meant that you were the joke.
Good one.
Thanks.
I thought of it this morning while I was watching you try to jam a catheter into Mr.
Hazleton.
Yeah.
He was a screamer.
Ya, ya.
What's your name? I'm Sonja, but everybody calls me Sunny.
Is it because of your haunting resemblance to Sonny Bono? - Who's that? - Moving on to our next patient.
Mr.
Francone has been in a coma for well over a year.
His organs are starting to fail and he probably won't be with us very much longer.
The most important thing to remember during his final hours here on Earth is, do not ever come to me and ask me questions about how to treat him.
He's a potato.
If you do, my answer will always be the same.
Sour cream, chives, and, if I haven't had any protein that day, maybe just a sprinkling of some of those bacon bits.
Oh, my God.
His hand, it moved! Kidding.
The man's a potato.
Dr.
Reid, no offense, but have you been drinking? Oh, no.
I read that shampooing with beer is good for your hair.
So, I'm all sudsed up in the shower this morning and the hot water dies.
So, now I've got to spend the entire day smelling like a brewery because there's no way that I'm going to rinse off with ice water.
See, this dress only works without a bra, so if I get cold, it looks like I'm smuggling candy corns.
Hi, Peggy.
This is Dr.
Mahoney.
She's going to help me take care of you.
- What's that smell? - It's my hair, okay? Peggy's got a touch of pneumonia, but she's gonna pull through.
I wish my husband was here.
He passed away several months ago.
- That sucks.
- It totally sucks.
We were together for 53 years.
I'm sorry, Peggy, is it cold in here? 'Cause it just feels a little freezing.
I'm just gonna get a sweatshirt.
I don't know, just hearing about how much that old patient missed her husband made me think of you.
And a deep, wet tongue-kiss right back at you.
- Was that J.
D? - No, it's my dad.
- Of course it was J.
D.
- Oh, that's good.
That old broad and her dead husband got my engine revving, too.
I need some action.
Luckily, Cheeseburger Day at the caf really brings out the fatties.
Denise likes the big fellas.
Oh, check out the ripples on that gentleman.
Oh, it's like somebody threw a boulder in a pond.
Fat dudes rule.
They never expect commitment and they try so hard in the sack.
Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
Hmm.
Well, I'm just gonna put this out here for bait and see what ambles out of the forest.
Gooch! I forgot to tell you I have a girlfriend now.
Stephanie Gooch, this is Elliot.
And this is some girl who digs fat guys.
Come on, Gooch.
There's like 75 other people you haven't met who don't believe you exist.
Hey, Miguel, this is the girlfriend and she is real.
In your face.
Baby.
Baby.
Baby.
Baby, I was pulling some dude's spleen out today, and check it, the blood splashed on my scrubs, looks like a tiger.
Why is that part a different color? I might have used chocolate pudding to do the tail.
That's awesome, Turk, but I have to tell you something.
- What's that? - I'm pregnant.
What? I knew it! Because these past couple of months, your butt's been like, pow! It's only been two weeks.
Baby, this is big news, and I want to talk to you about it.
I do.
First, I've got to go to the bathroom.
It's too soon, so don't tell anyone.
Why would you even think I would do something like that? J.
D! I've got news! J.
D! Where are you, friend? - You seen J.
D? - No.
I have not.
Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today.
He's on a mini-vacation.
And it isn't just today, he's not coming in tomorrow.
Which, by the way, is my day off.
But not anymore.
I'm coming in early and I'm staying late because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug-monster you call a best friend.
Sorry I took so long, honey.
The line was long.
Uh-huh.
- How'd J.
D.
Take the news? - He's not here today.
I can't believe you.
Yeah, right.
Like you weren't just telling Elliot.
Well, I wasn't.
Because when I say something is between us as a couple, it stays between us.
I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
Congratulations.
All right.
- Have the internal - Test results The bleeding and Yeah, I know.
I know.
Yeah.
Yay! Yay! Yay! I can't do this all on my own No, I know I'm no Superman I'm no Superman Baby, it's not fair.
You told Elliot and got that huge, excited reaction.
I deserve to get that from someone, too.
- One person.
- One person.
Thank you.
Hey, Elliot, let me tell J.
D.
About the baby.
Already did it.
J.
D.
: Anyway, tell Turk that's great news about his baby.
That's it? J.
D.
: Elliot, why would you put me on speaker without telling me? - You - J.
D.
: Turk! I'm so excited for you.
- Too little too late, buddy! - J.
D.
: Turk! I don't want to talk to you, J.
D.
- J.
D.
: Turk! - No.
- J.
D.
: Turk! - Not here.
J.
D.
: Elliot.
Is Turk still there? No.
He's gone.
J.
D.
: Good, because let's face it, everybody's having babies.
- It's getting a little boring.
- Dude.
J.
D.
: Elliot! Take me off speaker! I'm trying.
Stupid technology.
See you soon.
Dr.
Cox! Two quick things.
First off, I looked up a picture of Sonny Bono and my feelings are very, very hurt.
- Noted.
- Apology accepted.
Second, I know we aren't supposed to ask you about Mr.
Francone - Huh? - The potato.
Right.
See, the thing is, his sister just called from London, and she was hoping we could keep Mr.
Francone, the potato, alive until she got here.
Can you please help? Let me see his chart.
I'll tell you what to do first.
Go ahead and write this down.
Okay.
Wrap him in foil and poke holes in him with a fork - so he cooks all the way through.
- Come on.
Sunshine, I have neither the inclination nor the time to care about people who I cannot help.
If you're looking for someone whose heartstrings you can tug, well There's your gal.
She cares.
In fact, it's her only real fault.
Look at her over there.
She's caring right now.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Actually, yeah, Dr.
Cox is here.
J.
D.
: God help me, I could sense it.
Put me in his pocket.
- J.
D.
I'm - Elliot, please, I want this.
I miss my boyfriend so much.
If he were here, I might actually lick his face.
Thank you, Dr.
Appropriate.
Peggy, I'm going to have a quick chat with these two, okay, sweetie? Thanks, Bob.
Send Peggy for an ABG and a chest CT.
And, when you're done, send her sputum for atypicals.
Dr.
Kelso, you do realize that you don't work here anymore? Look, her husband was an old friend.
Plus, I have forgotten more about medicine than you two will ever know.
I don't know you, but I assume I have you beat because you're blonde and you're rolling with Dr.
Reeks-of-Beer.
It's my hair, okay? Yeah, and watch the lip, grandpa.
'Cause you wouldn't be the first old man I ever beat up.
I like her.
She's got girl balls.
J.
D.
: Ah, I love listening to you work.
Come on, admit it.
You miss me as much as I miss you.
There you go, Dorian, that's what I think of you as a person.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Here, you.
I didn't hear it all, but that sounded harsh.
- Are you okay? - J.
D.
: No.
Hey, Teddy.
Carla said I could tell something to just one person, so here goes.
Carla and I are having a baby! - Oh, great.
- What were you doing? What the hell is the matter with you people? Carla and I are having a baby! No, you're having a second baby.
It's not that big a deal.
When we had ours, we barely told anybody.
You had a second kid? Little girl.
You held her in your arms.
Mazel tov to you both.
Can't a brother get at least a mazel tov? Gooch and I are going to hold off on the babies.
We've only known each other a week.
Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm.
Mine don't have any tails.
They're just kind of blobs that roll from place to place.
Oh, hey, everybody, I'll tell you someone who just did have their first baby.
Witman, up in Radiology.
- Come on! - I love Witman.
No.
Witman's not even here.
Hey, Nurse Espinosa, Carla.
Look, I know you're not working tonight, but I was hoping you could stay and help me keep my coma patient alive until his sister gets here.
What do you say, a little coffee and girl talk? - It might be fun.
- Hmm.
Anyway, Dr.
Cox said that you were the one I should ask.
He did, did he? Hi.
Oh.
So.
Can you stay and help me out tonight? I'll see what I can do.
Yay! Dial it down.
Yay! You eating lunch? What gave it away? J.
D.
And I usually eat lunch together.
Oh, God, here it comes.
J.
D.
Was sitting in that exact chair when we had our third kiss.
Oh, that's very romantic.
I will try not to drill any more farts into it.
I just feel like something's been weighing me down all day.
I mean, sure, I was in the x-ray room a couple of hours ago and when I left I totally forgot to take off the lead vest, but it's off now and the weight's still there.
I mean, it's not as bad, but it's pretty bad.
It just sucks, you know? I don't see how it could get any worse.
I don't understand how this happened.
She just went like that.
Hey, Dr.
Turk.
What are you working on? I'm signing a death certificate for a kid who passed away Good for you.
Hey, listen, were you one of the people who didn't believe I had a girlfriend? Because, bam! There she is.
Wow.
She's too cute for you, Ted.
Right? Spread the word.
Stephanie, this is Dr.
Turk.
- Hey.
- How's it going? It's pretty good.
I'm having a baby, you know? Is this your first? Why, yes, it is.
That is so awesome! Congratulations.
That's what I was looking for! Wow.
I want to know everything.
Do you want to talk about it? Gooch, let's go talk about it! See, how it happened was Good night, Dr.
Cox.
Isn't Carla staying to help you out? She said she had things to do.
But that's okay, I know I haven't been a doctor long, but I'm great at placing IVs and, you know, giving pills to people, so I should be fine.
Oh.
Oh, good.
You're gone, too.
Peggy was a sweet old bird.
She only had pneumonia.
She and her husband were together for 50 years.
Sometimes, in those cases, it's not the illness that gets you.
I mean, your soul mate's gone, and your body just gives up.
I actually think it's kind of sweet.
I don't know, if I ever get married and my husband dies before me I'm sure that I'll have enough going on in my own life that I'll want to keep on living, you know? Well, that's just some quality crap you're spewing there.
You've been moping around here all day just because Dorian's been gone, what, 12 hours? And I'm guessing you didn't hear a word I just said because you're busy looking at your telephone to see if he has texted you in the last five minutes.
Did he? Yes.
"Thinking of you.
" See? There's the smile, you see? You're no different from Peggy.
What are you saying? That if J.
D.
Died, I would just die right afterwards? Well, I could only hope.
But my point is, don't stand there being judgmental about her when you're no different.
What are you doing here? Well, I think the better question is what are you doing here? I live here.
That's not the better question.
It's the worse question.
Why aren't you at the hospital helping cheery, annoying intern? I had stuff to do.
What gives you the right to give me a hard time? Why aren't you at the hospital helping Sunny? Because I don't give a damn about terminal coma patients or interns.
I get to not give a damn because I know that you always will.
I mean, give me a break, Carla.
Tell me the last time that you ever walked off on a patient.
The guy's been in a coma for a year! Okay? He's an eggplant.
Okay, first of all, he's not an eggplant.
He's a potato.
And secondly, that's something I would say, not you.
You used to care so much about this stuff.
Remember? What happened to you? Oh.
It's always good to slam a door right about now.
Hey, Sunny, how did it go last night? - Great! - Thank God.
I mean, he crashed a few times, but I brought him back.
I mean, really, the only scary moment was when he seized while I was injecting him with dopamine.
The needle slipped and I accidentally stabbed myself with it.
But I only freaked out for a second until I remembered that comas aren't contagious, and then the dopamine kicked in, which actually made the whole night more enjoyable.
But now I'm sort of jonesing for another hit.
Is that bad? Let's go downstairs and get you some juice.
Kelso's right.
J.
D.
's gone and I'm miserable.
I used to be such a strong, independent woman.
Did you know, once I actually changed the oil in my car all by myself? - Saved thirty bucks.
- Cool.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, I dumped the dirty old oil into a storm drain.
The Department of Fish and Wildlife fined me 1,400 bucks and declared me an "enemy of the ocean," whatever the hell that means.
Hey, I know I usually write songs for kids, but I wrote a song for you.
Do you want to hear it? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You knocked up your lady Now you're having a baby 'Cause you're going to be a first-time dad People used to tell you that your life was meant to procreate a family of your own Then you went and did it 'Cause you finally did it Now you're going to have your own Turk clone There's a little baby in your lady's soft womb So just sit tight and don't get out the vacuum It's time to realize that your life is gonna change soon You'll be a dad First time, first time! You're a dad First time, first time! And remember Did you tell her it was our first baby? It's not your first? Um, it's our first since our first.
Hey, Carla, were you one of those people who didn't believe I had a girlfriend? Not now, Ted.
When Izzy's 15 and she's trying to decide which one of us she likes better, I'm so gonna use this.
What is your problem? My husband's telling everybody that I'm pregnant with our first child.
Carla, if you're going to get upset every time your husband does something stupid, then you're going to be upset every second of every minute, every minute of every hour, every hour of every day, every day Stop.
I was prepared to go to century.
But that's not why I'm here.
I know.
I left the poor intern alone last night.
I can't believe I did that.
I mean, don't get me wrong, she did a great job.
Although, once she had a nightmare that the coma patient woke up and stabbed her, she actually tied the patient to the bed, which she probably shouldn't have done.
But that's on me.
So go ahead, rub it in my face.
As much as I'm a huge fan of a good old-fashioned face-rubbing, I'm here to apologize.
J.
D.
: Apologize for what? Elliot, slow down! No, J.
D.
, you're talking to me.
J.
D.
: Fine.
You sound upset.
What's wrong? I don't want to get into it.
J.
D.
: You know what I do when I need to clear my head? I just let my mind drift and fantasize about stuff.
Yeah, I've noticed.
J.
D? J.
D! You're fantasizing right now, aren't you? J.
D.
: That's why you should never trust a camel.
Hey, man, I wanted to warn you.
Stay clear of my girlfriend.
The Gooch does not like being lied to! I'm pretty sure I can handle it, Ted.
Why did you lie about that being your first kid, anyway? 'Cause when Carla told me about the new baby, I didn't get that crazy excited feeling I got when I heard about Izzy.
I'm an idiot.
Nah, it's just your second kid.
Look, I don't know if you noticed, but I've been kind of jazzed about this being my first girlfriend.
You know, it's new and exciting.
But, when she dumps me, and, believe me, it's coming like a freight train, I'll try to find a new gal.
And if I do, it probably won't have that initial excitement that the first one did, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be great.
'Cause, I mean, I'd be having a second girlfriend.
Yeah.
Does this have anything to do with your situation? - Kind of.
- Hey! I know.
We had a great ride.
Still friends? - Not you, Ted.
- Still alive! So help me, if you ever make me look like a fool again, I will bash your face in with this thing until it is a million pieces.
Are we clear? - Crystal.
- Good.
Nope.
The Gooch does not like being lied to.
Whose room is this? Kelso's dead friend.
Oh, yeah, that old biddy.
You see, I never used to say stuff like that! You know, death doesn't bother me unless it's someone I know.
And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin, who, honest to God, was flattened by a steam roller, I still actually enjoy it.
I abandoned an intern who was just trying to keep her patient alive so his sister could say goodbye.
Look, sooner or later, everybody in this place stops caring about hopeless, terminally-ill, brain-dead coma patients and interns who want to save the world.
You somehow managed to hang on quite a bit longer than the rest of us.
Carla, you are a wonderful nurse.
You got a husband.
Plus you got a kid.
Plus you got another kid coming.
It was completely unfair of me to expect more of you than anyone else in this dump.
Now brace yourself, because here it comes.
I, Percival Ulysses Cox, am sorry.
Ulysses? Write your name and put it on my cast So just call him already.
You know you want to.
No.
I don't want to end up being an old lady who's so dependent on her partner that she just croaks right after he does.
I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did.
I was with that dude last night.
The only way I'm gonna die after him is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me.
Crap, I just turned myself on.
Rudy.
Upstairs.
God help me, I like that crazy bitch.
I thought it would be different this time with J.
D.
I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable.
Well, that's dumb.
Relationships are about taking a leap of faith.
That's why it's called "jumping in.
" Now, Dorian seems to make you happy, God knows why.
Isn't that enough? You found another way to get it back instead J.
D.
: Hello? Hey, I miss you.
J.
D.
: I get why it wigged you out.
At the end of the day, relationships are tricky.
Please don't do that whole philosophical, pontificating thing.
J.
D.
: Okay.
Fine, go ahead.
J.
D.
: Thanks.
Things are always different the second time around.
You are about to be a big sister, Izzy.
Yes, you are.
Huh? J.
D.
: You just have to remember that even if things are changing all around you, deep down, you're still the same person.
I guess.
Hey, Carla.
Can I talk to you for a second? You know you're not supposed to be working tonight, right? Yeah, I know.
Sunny said the sister would be here in about six hours, and I'm not ready to let go of that part of myself yet, you know? Yes.
- Do you want to stay and help? - No, I do not.
Goodnight, Ulysses.
If I believe it Okay I will leave it J.
D.
: Hi, Perry.
Probably checking your pockets right now, but I'm not there.
See, I had Elliot hide me somewhere in your office.
Now, while I've got you, I thought we could discuss our relationship.
It's had some ups and it's had some downs.
I'm going to start by passing out some gold stars.
The first one goes to you, for your passion.
The next one goes to me, for my compassion.
What I think we should do is take passion and compassion