The Goldbergs s08e09 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with the TV drama "L.
A.
Law.
" Counsel, approach the bench.
This legal soap had it all romance, intrigue, shoulder pads, and, best of all, tough-as-nails lady lawyers.
If I have any more trouble from you, I will do exactly that.
Is that clear? I love Susan Dey.
She's in charge in the courtroom and the bedroom.
Ew.
Ugh! Mom said "bedroom.
" Look at that full-grown Partridge.
This is Hollywood nonsense.
Real lawyers fight for justice, and they're not involved in that many courthouse shootings.
Erica, tell it to someone who couldn't have been a lawyer.
And that's when my sister dropped a bombshell.
I finally declared a major Pre-Law.
The [bleep.]
you [bleep.]
say? You heard me.
I'm considering getting my law degree.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut your perfect mouth! Murray, did you hear that?! Our daughter's gonna be a lawyer! I get to pay for more school.
Ow! Oh! It's all happening! I've got one child who's gonna be an Oscar winner, another who's gonna be the Surgeon General, and now a Supreme Court Justice! Yeah, and I'm actually gonna be an eye doctor.
Nobody cares.
Murray! We won parenting! If you say so.
I do! Now the world needs to know! Attention, children of lesser mothers! I won parenting! I won parenting.
Did you want to buy a ticket? Oh, I already have a ticket.
To the rocket ride of my children's success! I'd like to make a deposit.
This just says, "I won parenting.
" And you can take that to the bank.
I won parenting! Yeah, you did.
What are you doing? Sorting M&M's.
Yellows are the yummiest, huh? I kinda won parenting! You get that out of your system? Almost.
I won parenting! Hi-yah! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was January 27, 1980-something, and I was devouring the sci-fi classic "Cocoon," the totally believable story of nursing-home residents who are reinvigorated by an alien fountain of youth.
Good thing my Pops didn't need that.
Or so I thought.
Well, that was confusing.
You wanna hit the deli, get a cheese blintz, and sort out what happened? What happened is you slept through one of the greatest movies ever.
Is it my fault it's dark and smells like butter? You brought a pillow.
I shoulda brought a blanket too.
It's colder than a toilet seat at midnight in there.
As fun as it is to think about your moonlit bathroom adventures, you need to see it again.
I saw enough.
Doesn't matter.
All the elderly friskiness has given me an idea Let's dance our way home while checking out ladies that are age-inappropriate for both of us.
Better idea I go home and sleep off this movie nap.
While I was worried that my Pops was slowing down, my mom's enthusiasm for Erica's career path was revving up.
Mom, I-I don't think a power suit with triple the shoulder pads was a necessary purchase.
You are a high-powered attorney now.
You need to look the part.
I'm a low-powered sophomore who eats Lucky Charms for dinner.
That's not what your business cards say.
"Erica Goldberg, Esquire.
Defense attorney to the stars"? All the men will want you, and all the women will hate you.
But I don't want that.
I want to help the disenfranchised, the poor.
Poor? Well, how are you gonna be able to afford your Bimmer convertible and a house in Brentwood? Where? It's an exclusive L.
A.
enclave.
Dabney Coleman lives there.
I don't want to be neighbors with Dabney Coleman.
Look, choosing a major made me do some soul-searching, and I realized that choosing a career just for the money is never gonna make me happy.
Of course.
And that's when she saw it.
What the actual [bleep.]
?! It was my mom's cookbook.
Her life's highest achievement.
Her proudest triumph.
Now only 99 cents.
Uh, shelving emergency! This life-changing, full-priced masterwork was in with the garbage books.
That's not a mistake.
All the out-of-print books go in there.
Out of print? Mr.
Whitby! We had a contract! Mrs.
Goldberg, I was expecting you.
I see you've discovered that your book is gently discounted.
Our contract clearly stated that you would print 10,000 copies.
You must have missed the addendum which states that I can limit the publishing run any time I want.
And I want now.
I don't remember any addendum.
How did you have that right there? It's the standard Whitby and Sons contract.
I use it with all my authors.
Except for Mario Puzo.
Let's just say that guy writes what he knows.
There's no way I would have signed this.
I'm suing.
And unfortunately for you, I just found out that my daughter is going to be an attorney-at-law.
Hmm.
Well, I just found out that my son is going to be recovering-at-rehab.
I'll see you in court.
Technically, any contract dispute would be settled in arbitration.
I'll see you in arbitration.
Damn it, that doesn't sound as scary.
But it is.
I've been in several with my wives, my children, and my children's wives, and my wives' new wives.
I bring people together.
While my mom was taking on a new case, I went to Barry to help Pops stop feeling so old.
Oh.
Hello, tiny, under-developed brother.
What brings you here? I came because I'm worried about Pops slowing down, but now I'm more worried about whatever this is.
Oh.
Yeah.
You're witnessing the most natural thing in the world.
Four best friends oiling each other to highlight our shredded physiques.
Here, let the world see the details! - Come on.
Get it! Get it! - Grease him up.
Totally normal.
And what's this bottle of giant horse pills? That's the number-one weight-training supplement.
Guaranteed to explode your abs, traps, delts, and orbs.
Orbs? The muscle that closes the eye.
Look how fast I can blink.
Agggggh! You're really doing it.
And check out my arms like sequoias! - Whoa! - Yes! And what's this giant Donkey Kong barrel of powder? Only the most crucial step of our riptastic journey.
- "Male Rampage"? - Indeed.
This magical elixir gives us endless energy.
And like the screaming guy in the infomercial, my energy and skeletal explosiveness know no bounds.
Ugh! It's so thick.
I can feel it in my nostrils.
Mine won't come out of the glass.
It feels like I'm drowning.
But no pain, no gain! For the record, I celebrate the natural form, and only ingest water, plants, and fish.
Maybe this powder can put the spring back in Pops' step.
Our grandpa will have more than his spring.
He'll have the explosive vertical leap of Spud Webb.
The party dog from the commercials? No! The tiny NBA dunker! Wow.
Don't you want that for Pops? I guess? But I should probably get a second opinion, seeing how weird this all is.
What's weird? Back to work, gents! Ooh! Dr.
Katman.
Adam.
Perfect timing.
Come learn about hydrophobic compounds.
Is "No, thanks" okay? I'm making a homemade lava lamp.
We combine acid-base reactions demonstrating density for a totally groovy result! Look, I just have some questions about this fitness powder.
Is it safe? Uh, these are mostly natural ingredients.
It won't hurt you, but it won't help, either.
But my brother swears by this stuff, and he does seem to have even more unpleasant energy than usual.
That's just the placebo effect.
And that is? We studied this.
And I learned it.
But imagine a world where I didn't.
The human brain becomes convinced that the powder works, so, in a way, it does.
So someone could drink this garbage and feel energized, even though nothing is actually happening? Isn't the natural world amazing? This isn't gonna spark my interest in science, - if that's what you're going for.
- I'll get ya one day.
Don't count on it.
At least take home the lava lamp.
Oh, wow.
When you make it yourself, it kinda stinks.
Enjoy.
As I had a plan to pump up Pops, my mom was trying to wear down Erica.
Oh, my God, no! Hire a real lawyer.
I could have been a lawyer, and you're going to be a lawyer.
Between the two of us, we're one of the biggest law firms in the country.
When you make that much sense No! Come on! A mother/daughter legal team going up against a big, bad publisher? They'll make a TV movie about it with Heather Thomas as me and Joan Collins as you.
Why are you the younger one? I'm just a producer, Geoff.
I'm not a casting director.
I'm watching either way.
And my answer still hasn't changed.
But you get how important this is to me.
I put my heart and soul into this cookbook.
And also a lot of butter, cream, and meat.
Also, a recipe I think my mom gave you? It's fine, but she's pretty mad.
I can't just let Whitby erase my entire life achievement.
And neither can you.
And yet I can.
I gotta go.
I'm volunteering at the campus legal aid foundation, where I'll be helping real people in need.
Babe, you do realize your mom's just gonna hound you until you do this, right? Not this time.
I was firm, direct, and established clear boundaries.
She gets it.
Oh, my God! Why don't you get it?! Hi, I'm a disadvantaged woman in need of free legal advice.
No! I can't have these people meet my insane mother.
Well, you're the one that said I needed to get a real lawyer.
Hi, there.
Need some help? Yes.
So much.
I'm a famous cookbook author who was wrongfully abused by my publisher.
I'm sorry, we only take cases of people at or below the poverty line.
That's me.
I used to have everything, but now I don't even have a daughter who loves me.
It's okay, Becca.
Let me handle this strange, insane lady.
So you'll take my case? Fine.
But just please leave.
Yes! The system works! And don't worry, you will be handsomely compensated In smoochies.
- You're my little baby.
- Okay.
Mom! With Barry's magical powder in my hands, I was gonna pull the biggest trick of all making Pops young again.
Hey, kiddo, this is a surprise.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You have a lady friend back there? Just Susan B.
Anthony.
I'm sorting coins.
Come on in.
Wow.
That's a lot of pennies.
What you got in your monkey barrel there? Hopefully, the answer to all of this.
"Male Rampage"? Endorsed by Rambo? How can it be endorsed by Rambo? He's a fictional character.
It just seems like you have a little less energy lately.
I thought this might make you feel like your old self.
Oh.
I see.
If you don't want to No.
No! Why wouldn't I want to drink more "blood of my enemies"? Well? Mmm.
Hachi-machi.
And just like that, my ass-kicking grandpa was back.
I feel tremendous! I could take on the world! Ooh! And he did.
He charmed beautiful strangers.
That's how it's done, kid.
He tossed a Frisbee like a pro.
Hot disc coming at ya.
Whoa! He even did bike tricks.
Hang on.
I'm gonna pop a wheelie.
Ha, ha! And then, just like in "Cocoon" Cannonball! Yep, it may have just been the placebo effect, but I got the spring back in Pops' step.
This is the best.
You said it, kiddo.
To our youth.
Albert, your grandson lost a Band-Aid in the pool.
It's unsanitary! Milton, you leave my grandson alone.
I'm checking the boy for cuts and scrapes.
Take one step closer, and you're gonna need that Band-Aid.
- What'd you say? - You heard me.
Unless you're hungry for a knuckle sandwich.
I make it special, with a side of bam and an extra helping of kapow.
Geez! You try to start a friendly conversation.
You were gonna get into an old-man fight for no reason! This is amazing! So, what are we doing tomorrow? Tomorrow? That That's the day after today.
We can't let all this newfound energy go to waste.
Ooh! We should go ziplining! Oh, for sure.
Or I can tackle that high-dive over there.
That's almost as good! Just so you know, that was my Band-Aid.
And he'll probably find two more.
While Pops turned back the clock, it was time for my mom to face off with her publisher.
Good afternoon, I'm Pamela Reingold, and I'll be your mediator today.
It is an honor, Your Honor.
May I approach the bench? I'm not a judge, and this is a conference table.
Still, I'd like to file a motion to dismiss.
Dismiss what? You're the one that wanted this.
Well, then, tell me what to say, because the only legal jargon I know is from TV and movies.
Me too.
Your Honor, on the advice of my counsel, uh, the jury should disregard my testimony.
There's also no jury.
It's just you, me, this lady, and that man.
Good eye.
I am a man.
And so two people with no legal background laid down the law in the weirdest way possible.
A-ha! You caught it with your left hand! Oh, she's good.
Now everyone knows I love to catch oranges.
Yeah, they busted out all the hits.
Silence! Silence in this courtroom! Ma'am, did you bring your own gavel? It is a meat tenderizer.
If it, uh, pleases the court, I, too, brought my own hammer.
Why would that please anyone? And neither of you should have tools here.
Eventually, they just yelled stuff they'd heard on TV.
Objection! Overruled! All rise! Please proceed! What is happening? I think she's just a little nervous.
In my chambers now! Both of you! Or she's completely lost touch with reality.
Watch yourself, counselor! No further questions! Badgering the witness! Well, at least they're both doing it.
You don't have to answer that! Withdrawn! I'll allow it! You may be seated! Move to strike! Bailiff, remove this woman! I'll rephrase.
State your full name for the record.
Case dismissed.
Okay, that that feels like a good stopping point for today.
The only evidence remains a signed contract furnished by Mr.
Whitby.
Mrs.
Goldberg, if you have any evidence to the contrary, please come back, or I will have to rule in his favor.
Wait.
Where are you going? I thought we would share a cab or or the rest of our lives.
As my mom's case suffered a blow, I was thrilled to have Pops back in fighting shape.
Hey, Doc, just wanted to say thanks.
You really helped me out.
Oh, well, you know what they say Chemists are the best at solving problems because they have all the solutions.
Big fun! So you didn't take any of that powder.
Good for you.
Actually, I gave a buttload to my grandpa, and now he's cannonballing into pools, just like "Cocoon.
" "Cocoon"? It's this awesome movie about a bunch of elderly people that become young again after hanging out with alien eggs.
What will Hollyweird think of next? Probably "Cocoon 2.
" Ooh! But the main takeaway here is the amount of energy my grandfather has now.
Adam, the placebo effect can only push the body so far.
If your grandfather overdoes it, he could really injure himself.
So, as an example, if he were to jump off a high-dive Ohh! that might end badly? Scientifically speaking, oh, yeah.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Pops! Stop! No running! No running! Read the posted signs! Kiddo, you ready for me to do the dive, just like Reggie Dangerberg in "Back to the Pool"? Do you mean Rodney Dangerfield in "Back to School"? That's what I said.
You were embarrassingly off, but that's not important.
What's important is you need to get down! But I took a bunch of your muscle dust, and I climbed up here.
It seems like I already made my choice.
But you're gonna hurt yourself! Male Rampage doesn't make you young again.
Nothing does.
We'll see about that when I enter the water like a graceful - Whoa! - [Bleep.]
Pops! Pops, are you okay? Get all the ice.
And then find some more.
As my "Cocoon" plan went kerplunk, my mom was still in the deep end of her legal battle.
Look at us burning the midnight oil, noshing on chow mein, just like real lawyers.
It's 9:30 in the morning.
No one wants Chinese food.
Speak for yourself.
And what are all these files and boxes for? Our investigators are gonna fill them with telescopic photos, fingerprints, and DNA samples for the lab.
Why do we need DNA? It's a dispute over a book contract.
Well, then, what are our high-priced scientific experts supposed to testify to? The fact that it's clearly your signature? While that does look like my bulbous "B" and my delightful flourish around the "G," I-I would never sign something just willy-nilly like that.
Mm, it kinda seems like you did.
Damn it! You two were at my signing party.
Was there anything out of the ordinary? Having a signing party is out of the ordinary.
Who does that? Maybe your wife, who's proud of her accomplishment.
And you should be, too.
It's all coming back to me.
You did the thing.
I was there.
Memories.
It's all up in the treasure chest.
My signing gala was the talk of the block.
There was champagne, balloons.
I made that cheesy burger casserole in the shape of my book.
It's the only book I've ever finished.
Wait Dad, didn't Mom ask you to take pictures that day? - Nope.
- I did! Ohh! Here's the camera.
Oh, there's no film in it.
Memories.
Well, what am I supposed to do now? Again, not a lawyer, but my advice would be to move on with your life, like I'm gonna do with mine.
Move on? This cookbook is the first thing I've ever accomplished all on my own.
Not as a wife, not as a mom, but for me.
And now I'm supposed to just let that crooked publisher take it all away? It's not that simple.
It is to me.
Erica, did I ever tell you why I think I could have been a lawyer? Because you like to argue with everyone about everything? Because I would fight with every fiber of my being for the things I care about.
My family.
My friends.
What's right.
I thought maybe you got some of that from me.
I guess I was wrong.
My mom was back in arbitration, but without Erica or any evidence, her case seemed to be open and shut.
Mrs.
Goldberg, do you have anything further to present? Only my word.
I did not sign that addendum.
I'm ready to make my ruling and be done with both of you forever.
Not so fast.
And then, in a hero moment straight out of "L.
A.
Law," a badass in shoulder pads showed up to save the day.
Erica, what are you doing here? Fighting for something I care about.
I'd like to call Murray Goldberg to the stand.
A surprise, 11th-hour witness? - Oh, you are in for it now.
- I-I object.
- On what grounds? - I'll allow it.
Let's see where this goes.
Mr.
Goldberg, isn't it true that you were asked to take pictures at your wife's signing party? That's what people are saying.
And isn't it also true that you're a forgetful loaf who's never sure of what he has or hasn't done? I can say with full confidence that I'm a, you know And do you recognize this? Oh, that's one of those photo things! Indeed, it is.
And this one has your name on it.
Are those the pictures from my signing party? Hey, it is.
Here's a pic of your cheesy casserole.
But, perhaps, can I direct you to the last photo? Oh! Will you look at that? Somebody's a hero.
I knew it.
Rock-solid evidence.
Of what, exactly? That the addendum was forged by Mr.
Whitby.
Uh-oh.
Because, as you can clearly see in this photo, you signed in purple Sharpie, like a weirdo, while the contract right there is signed in blue.
Mr.
Whitby, do you have a response to this? Yes, I do.
I lied.
But this has been a hoot.
Am I right? The judgment is for Mrs.
Goldberg.
- Yes! - Print her books.
We did it! My baby's a lawyer.
Well, not yet.
But if helping people feels this good, there is no way I'm not going to be.
And I will be here to support you every step of the way.
Whether or not you want me to.
I know.
- And I know.
- Ah! I'm gonna remember this one.
As Erica landed a big win for my mom, I was feeling terrible about Pops' crash landing.
Pops, I'm so sorry.
I never should have given you that powder.
Oh, don't be.
I knew what I was taking.
What? You knew it wasn't real? Then why'd you climb up on that high-dive? For you.
You seemed so upset I was slowing down, I figured I'd give you a few days of the old Pops.
I'm so confused.
Then where'd all that energy come from? Simple.
I am in incredible pain.
I can't believe you did that for me.
It wasn't just for you, kiddo.
As much as you miss the young Pops, I miss him, too.
Just so you know, I'm okay with just sorting coins.
As long as I can be with you.
That's good.
Because I'm not gonna be doing much moving for a while.
Do you remember the end of "Cocoon," when all the older people leave Earth to go to that planet where they can be young forever? Would you take that deal? And miss hanging with my best friend? Not a chance.
Thanks to Pops, I picked up a thing or two over the years.
Eventually, we all slow down.
But it doesn't matter if you're growing older or growing up.
The important thing is to appreciate the victories.
In the end, every moment is worth savoring.
And no matter what stage of life you're in, a fountain of youth will never be as magical as time spent with the ones you love.
You're making me very curious about you.
Hey, guys! I'm just here to return Oh, my God! What happened to your skin? - It's gorgeous, right? - Ha! As pro body builders now, it's important to enhance our jacked musculature with a beautiful bronze hue.
That is not bronze.
That's because we went to the roof without any sunscreen.
We're beet red now, but it should settle into a lovely mahogany.
It's so worth it.
You have third-degree burns.
You're just jealous 'cause your skin isn't this glorious chestnut.
Now, watch my bi's and tri's dance as I bring a little body oil to the party.
Ow! I'll get the aloe vera.