The Simpsons s08e09 Episode Script

## [Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
[Screaming.]
Oh, why do they have to put all this crud in my newspaper? "World.
" "The Arts.
" "Religion.
" Aha.
Here it is.
"Kickin' Back!" Hey! Who cut something out of my paper? - Not me.
- Not me.
I'm more of a mail tamperer.
Well, don't look at me just because I'm holding a pair of scissors.
Scissors which I need to, uh- to gussy up these curtains.
[Groans.]
[Rings.]
- Y'ello? Oh, hi, Lenny.
- [Gasps.]
No.
Why would I need a ride this afternoon? [Vacuum Cleaner Whirring.]
Where? To the big annual what? Lenny.
Ah, well.
If it was big and annual I'm sure they'd have mentioned it in the newspaper.
[Santa's Little Helper Growling.]
Yeah.
It's a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon.
But something's a little off.
Hey.
Marge.
You don't smoke.
Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco.
[Coughs.]
[Whistles.]
You're nuts.
- I gotta get some fresh air.
- [Gasps.]
No, Homie.
Wait.
What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from me? What's that smell? Onions.
Chili powder.
Cumin.
Juicy ground chuck! It's chili! Oh, my God! I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off! I'm missing the cook-off.
It's going on right now, and I'm missing it.
All right.
I was trying to keep it from you.
But I had a good reason.
Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunk as a poet on payday.
Remember last year? Look at me.
I'm a puffy pink cloud! - [Children Screaming.]
- [Giggling.]
- [Giggling.]
- [Groans.]
Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.
Now, where are my chili boots? Ah! [Grunting.]
Okay.
We'll go to the Chili Cook-Off.
But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer.
Okay.
Quit naggin' me.
I won't have any beer.
Geez.
Why don't you have a cigarette or somethin'? Hmm.
I suppose I could.
[Grunting.]
I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili before they get desperate and add meat.
I'm gonna go claim some valuables at the lost and found.
Oh, look at that adorable spice rack.
Eight spices.
Oh, some must be doubles.
"Oregano"? What the hell? Marge, we're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy! Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face.
Fine.
I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun.
Remember your promise.
No drinking.
Stupor pooper.
[Country.]
Howdy, howdy, Marge and Hom- Oh.
My mistake.
Homer's not even with you.
Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments.
" [Chuckles.]
Thank you for your concern, Helen.
Homer isn't drinking today.
Oh.
I think it's lovely that he said that- and that you believed him.
Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge drinking.
There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.
## [Continues.]
[Gasps.]
[Beeping.]
Ooh, man.
He's here.
The dude with the fireproof stomach.
[All Gasping.]
Spoon.
They say he carved it himself from a bigger spoon.
- Five alarm chili, eh? - Mm-hmm.
One, two- Hey.
What's the big idea? Oh, I admit it.
It's only two alarm.
Two and a half tops.
I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.
Daddy, are you going to jail? We'll see, Son.
We'll see.
[Continues.]
Evenin', little lady.
You reckon a square could get a dance? Uh, it looks so complicated.
Do you know how? Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.
- [Crackling.]
- Whoo, whoo! Hmm.
A bland, timid entry - suitable perhaps for patients recovering from surgery.
- [Groans.]
[Chuckles.]
That Simpson.
He thinks he's the pope of chili town.
Well! This year I am ready for him.
[Homer.]
Hello, Chief.
Afternoon, Homer.
Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you.
The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! [All Gasping.]
Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
Uh, Wiggie, my chili's gettin' cold.
[Gasps.]
- [Sizzling.]
- [Screams.]
[All Laughing.]
[Homer Gasping.]
Hot! Hot! [Gasping.]
D'oh! [Garbled.]
Oh, my God! It's burning up! - Beer! Beer! Give me some beer! - Homer! You promised you wouldn't drink.
- But I need it! - [Groans.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, lousy Wiggum.
Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss.
Wait, mister.
You're drinking a candle.
You don't want to get wax in your mouth, do you? Maybe I do, son.
Maybe I do.
Outstanding! Hey, everybody.
Look who's back.
It's the big baby! "Oh, this porridge is too hot.
Oh, wah, wah, wah!" [Laughing.]
Want some more, do ya? Well, sure.
Heck, it's not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.
[Moans, Gulps.]
[All Gasping.]
More, please.
[Gulping.]
Good Lord.
This can't be happening.
By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears.
His ears if we're lucky! Well, Chief, don't quit your day job.
[Chuckles.]
Whatever that is.
- [All Laughing.]
- [Man.]
Touché, Homer.
[Chuckles.]
My finest hour.
And Marge wasn't even here to see it.
[Groaning, Gurgling.]
Ooh.
I don't feel so good.
[Groaning.]
Flanders, you gotta help me! [Chuckles.]
Well, sure, buddy.
I'd be happy to help out.
What can I do-diddly, do-diddly, doodily, diddly, doodily hoppity, hippity, hoppity, hippity, gooble, gobble, gooble, gooble, gabba, gabba, hey? [Gasps, Screaming.]
Huh? Goo-goo-ga-joob? Ha-ha! Ha-ha! [Muted Trumpet.]
[Burps.]
[Screaming.]
- Hey, mister.
Do you need some help? - Let him go, Ralph.
He knows what he's doing.
[Homer Shouting.]
[Breathing Heavily.]
What's happening to me? Okay.
Retrace your steps.
Woke up, fought with Marge ate Guatemalan insanity peppers.
Then l- Oh.
Where am I? Shelbyville? [Screams.]
Man, this is crazy.
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
I better check my pupils.
O-O-O-Okay.
I think I'm gonna be leaving now.
Huh? Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
[Screams.]
[Gulps.]
Note to self: Stop doing anything.
Has anyone seen Homer? Marge, better you hear it from me than some gossipy neighbor.
Homer made a total jackass of himself.
Oh, Helen, that's enough.
Call off your dogs.
But someone had to tell her.
And I got here first.
- Helen, zip it.
- Oh- Oh, please.
- Zip.
Ziparoo.
- Tim.
- Oh.
- No beer, huh? [Groans.]
I guess I know what a promise from HomerJ.
Simpson is worth.
Hey, buddy! Get back there with the other rocks.
Huh? A tortoise? "Follow the-" [Gasps.]
This must be why I'm here.
Follow the what? Follow the what? Hurry up.
D'oh! Get moving, you stupid- When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up.
Come on.
Oh, you want me to climb that, huh? No problemo.
[Groans.]
This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it? [Grunting.]
Lise, check it out.
Time for chili.
- I saw it, Bart.
- You're just mad 'cause there's no clock in your hat.
- What hat? - [Scoffs.]
Ah, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you.
- Where's Homer? - Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi.
Or a police car.
[Grunting.]
Marge.
Thank God you're here.
Where's the car? Marge? Marge.
Oh, now what? If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad.
Come on, Marge.
Will you- Fight fair! I never do this to you.
Talk to me! [Wind Howling.]
[Whimpers.]
Oh! I hate this place! Why am I here? - [Male Voice.]
You are on a quest for knowledge.
- Who said that? - Huh? - Fear not, Homer.
- I am your spirit guide.
- Hiya.
There is a lesson you must learn.
If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya.
No.
I speak of a deeper wisdom.
The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.
Yeah.
That's me all right.
[Wind Howling.]
Clarity is the path to inner peace.
But what should I do? Should I meditate? - Should I get rid of all my possessions? - Are you kiddin'? [Chuckles.]
If anything, you should get more possessions.
You don't even have a computer.
You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey.
- And I was-was- - [Growling.]
Hey! Knock it off! Sorry.
[Chuckles.]
I am a coyote.
Look.
Just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya! Good.
Your mind is in a state of readiness.
So listen well.
To make yourself complete, you must find your soul mate.
- Soul mate? - Your kindred spirit.
The one with whom you share an unspoken bond.
A profound mystical understanding.
That's it? Well, that's Marge.
Big deal.
Great spiritual quest, wolfie! My soul mate is Marge.
- Is it? - Hmm? Hey, wait.
Come back! - [Groans.]
Oh.
- [Horn Tooting.]
[Screams.]
A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way.
Now less.
Now none! [Screams.]
D'oh! Hey.
Get off the course, you bum! Security! Wha- Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap.
Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop.
And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog.
Hi, Homer.
Find your soul mate.
Hey.
Wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talkin' dog.
- [Barks.]
- Damn straight.
- So then I says to Mabel.
I says- - Hi, kids.
- I'll finish this later.
Hi, Dad.
- Where's your mother? - Out back.
- So, anyway, I says to Mabel.
I says- Hi, honey.
Oh, I guess you're cranky because I didn't come home last night.
I'm cranky because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town.
- You broke your promise, Homer.
- Oh, honey.
I didn't get drunk.
I just went to a strange fantasy world.
- [Wind Howls.]
- Come on.
You gotta believe me.
You're my soul mate.
Don't soul mate me! Okay.
That coyote said my soul mate would understand me.
But Marge doesn't understand me at all.
Maybe we're not kindred spirits.
We don't have anything in common.
Look at these records.
Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers.
Now look at her records.
They stink! Oh.
Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason.
Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.
I always just figured my wife was my soul mate.
But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking? This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir.
Now, if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Hey, Barney, soul mate! Let me buy you a beer.
Okay.
But I'm not your soul mate.
I'm really more of a chum.
- What about you, Lenny? - I'm a crony.
- Carl? - I'd say acquaintance.
- Colleague.
- Sympathizer.
- Compadre.
- Associate.
- Contemporary.
- I'm a well-wisher in that I don't wish you any specific harm.
- [Sighs.]
- [Pool Balls Clack.]
Hello? Is this, uh, G.
B.
M? Uh, yeah.
I read in the personals you were seeking a soul mate.
Well, I also like rainy days and movies.
Uh-huh.
Uh, no, I don't like that.
Or that.
No.
It's not that I'm afraid.
I'm gonna hang up now.
Bye-bye.
Oh, I give up.
[Coyote.]
Find your soul mate, Homer.
Find your soul mate.
- Where? Where? - This is just your memory.
I can't give you any new information.
## [Soft Rock.]
## [Woman Singing.]
## [Continues.]
- ## [Continues.]
- Oh.
- ## [Ends.]
- [Sighs.]
Huh? What's that blinking light? [Gasps.]
The lighthouse keeper! The loneliest man in the world.
He'll understand me! [Panting.]
"Earl.
" My new friend's name is Earl.
Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl! Hmm? A machine? Earl's a machine? Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soul mate has yielded a lighthouse-keepin' robot! Oh, wow! Hey, look! Is that Dad? Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.
Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun! - [Ship Horn Blows.]
- A ship! A ship with people! I know.
I'll bring them to me.
And then they'll have to be my friends.
[Grunts.]
Come here, people! [Laughing.]
Arr, matey.
Nary a warning light to be seen.
'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo.
- Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir? - Aye.
The hot pants.
[Cackling.]
Well, I won't be lonely for long.
Hee, hee! [Giggling.]
- [Laughing.]
- [Footsteps Approaching.]
Huh? Whuzzat? Oh, Homer! Thank goodness you're safe.
- Marge? - I woke up, and you weren't there, and I was so worried.
Really? You were? But how did you find me? Well, I was sure you'd be on foot because you always say public transportation is for losers.
And I was sure you'd head west because Springfield slopes down that way.
And then I saw the lighthouse and I remembered how you love blinking lights like the one on the waffle iron.
Or that little guy on the Don't Walk sign.
- Yeah.
- Wow, Marge.
You really do understand me.
- See, I thought we weren't soul mates because- - We had a fight? Right.
And we don't like the same things.
It's like you're from Venus- - And you're from Mars.
- Oh, sure.
Give me the one with all the monsters.
Homer, don't you see? Our differences are only skin deep.
But our "sames" go right down to the bone.
- Maybe we do have a- - A profound, mystical understanding? Hey! We do! Oh, Marge! We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote! - Space coyote? - [Ship Horn Blows.]
- Oh, my God! The ship! - [Marge Gasps.]
- We'll all be killed! - The light! We gotta get the light back on! Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! - Hard to starboard! - Uh, port? Aye.
Port.
They see us.
They're starting to turn.
- We did it! - We sure did soul mate.
Mmm! - [Chattering Excitedly.]
- [Whistles.]
Look at all them hot pants.
- Hey! [Recites Lyric.]
- [All Reciting Lyric.]
- [All Chattering, Squealing.]
- ## [Rock.]
## [Men Singing.]
## [Women Singing.]
## [Continues.]
## [Continues, Instrumental.]
## [Rhythmic Clapping.]
## [Continues.]
## [Ends.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!