According To Jim s08e10 Episode Script

1 HELLO, FRIEND! WHO WANTS A HUG? ANDY, HAVE YOU BEEN PAINTING IN AN UNVENTILATED ROOM AGAIN? I'M IN LOVE, JAMES.
OH! I GOT THE WORLD ON A STRING.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU WRAP I AROUND YOUR NECK? IT'S MY MANDY.
I'M HEAD OVER HEELS.
I'VE EVEN WRITTEN HER A POEM.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
(hums) I LOVE YOU, MANDY, FROM YOUR MAN ANDY.
YOU'RE SWEET AS CANDY ON OCEAN OR DRY LANDY.
I THINK YOU'RE JUST DANDY.
I LOVE WALKING WITH YOU HAND IN HANDY.
DON'T YOU MISS JESSICA TANDY? HMM? HMM? WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK IT'S YOU I CAN'T STANDY.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN MANDY FOR TWO WEEKS.
YOU CAN'T GO BUYING HER DIAMOND EARRINGS LIKE THIS.
IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
I WANT TO KNOCK HER SOCKS OFF.
WELL, THEN BUY HER SOCKS! OKAY, IF NO DIAMOND EARRINGS, WHAT, HUH? I DON'T CARE.
JUST-- I NEED YOUR HELP.
I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.
GUIDE ME, MASTER.
FINE.
FINE.
SIT DOWN.
(chuckles) YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULD CHARGE YOU FOR THIS, BUT I'M GONNA GIVE I TO YOU FOR FREE.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
GIVE ME A DOLLAR.
SERIOUSLY? YEAH, GIVE ME A DOLLAR.
GO TO HELL.
WELL, WHO NEEDS A GIRL WHEN YOU GOT YOUR MOM? FINE.
HERE.
HERE'S YOUR STUPID DOLLAR.
SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
HERE'S THE THING.
MOST GUYS IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING A GOOD GIF IS AN EXPENSIVE GIFT.
THAT'S IT? THAT'S YOUR ADVICE? NO, THAT'S WHA YOU'RE DOING WRONG.
IF YOU WANT ADVICE, THAT'S ANOTHER DOLLAR.
GO TO HELL.
FINE, CHANGE YOUR OWN DIAPERS WHEN YOU'RE 80.
(grunts) FINE! AND DAMN YOU TO HELL.
THANK YOU.
OKAY.
ANYBODY CAN DO AN EXPENSIVE GIFT.
WHAT YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR IS A MEANINGFUL GIFT.
YOU MEAN CHEAP? IT CAN BE CHEAP IF THINGS LINE UP RIGHT.
COME HERE.
HERE'S THE THING.
THE GIFT WOMEN REALLY LOVE IS THE GIFT THAT SAYS, "I LISTEN TO YOU.
" OKAY.
OKAY.
I-I CAN SEE THE BEAUTY OF THAT, JIM.
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- I DON'T LISTEN TO MANDY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE WITH HER ALL THE TIME.
I KNOW, BUT EVERY TIME I'M WITH HER, THE ONLY THING I HEAR IS THIS VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD SAYING, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
" WELL, ANDY, SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED ADVANCED LESSONS.
WHEW, YEAH.
NO, NO, NO, NO! I AM DESPERATE! ALL RIGHT.
ON OUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY, I GAVE CHERYL A TEDDY BEAR COOKIE JAR THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE THE ONE SHE HAD WHEN SHE WAS GROWING UP.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
I DON'T REMEMBER US HAVING A TEDDY BEAR COOKIE JAR.
NEITHER DID CHERYL UNTIL I GAVE HER ONE.
THEN SUDDENLY, SHE REMEMBERED.
SHE CRIED AND GAVE ME A BACKRUB.
OHH.
I COULD USE A BACKRUB OR ONE OF THOSE HOT STONE MASSAGES.
OH! IT'S HOW THE INDIANS HAVE RELAXED FOR CENTURIES.
ANDY, ANDY.
WHAT I REALIZED A LITTLE LATER WAS THAT WASN' CHERYL'S STORY AT ALL.
I WAS THINKING ABOU THE COOKIE JAR ON "THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW.
" SO YOU TOLD CHERYL YOU MADE A MISTAKE, RIGHT? NO.
SEE, ANDY, WOMEN ARE SO DESPERATE TO BELIEVE THAT THEIR MEN ARE LISTENING TO THEM THAT THEY'LL BUY INTO ANYTHING.
SO JUST BUY MANDY A GIFT, MAKE UP A STORY.
AH, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE DISHONEST.
ANDY, IT IS TOTALLY DISHONEST.
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WE'RE SELLING FEELINGS, NOT THE TRUTH.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT FOLLOWING, JIM.
WELL, I-IT'S KIND OF LIKE WHEN MANDY SAYS YOU LOOK GREA WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON.
OH! MM-HMM.
RIGHT? YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THE TRUTH, BUT YOU LOVE HEARING IT.
ALL I HEAR IS, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
" HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, MANDY? I-I CANNOT WAIT ANYMORE.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
OH! (laughs) (laughs) HEY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU ARE GONNA LOVE IT.
OH, I'M SO EXCITED.
MWAH! MM.
MMM! I PUT AN EXTRA LITTLE BI OF THE OL' TICKER INTO THIS ONE.
HEE HEE! OH.
A CHINESE CHECKERS SET.
HUH.
YEAH.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK IT'S A CHINESE CHECKERS SET.
OR IS IT A VINTAGE CHINESE CHECKERS SE EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE YOU AND YOUR FAVORITE BABYSITTER USED TO PLAY WITH? I NEVER PLAYED CHINESE CHECKERS IN MY LIFE.
I ACTUALLY FIND I A BIT RACIST.
UH UH, NO, NO, OF COURSE YOU DID.
UM, YOU TOLD ME ON OUR THIRD DATE.
DRINKS AT THE PALMER HOUSE.
YOU HAD A TOM COLLINS.
I HAD A COSMO.
THIS GIFT SAYS, "I LISTEN.
" WHOO, GOT A--GOT A HELL OF A KINK RIGHT HERE.
WHAT WAS THE BABYSITTER'S NAME? ELEANOR.
ELEANOR WHAT? RIGBY.
NO, WAIT.
ROOSEVELT.
NO, WAIT.
ROBINSON.
N-NOT ELEANOR.
JACKIE.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
MY BABYSITTER WAS JACKIE ROBINSON, AND SHE BROKE THE CHINESE CHECKERS BARRIER IN MY HOUSE.
SO IT'S COMING BACK TO YOU.
ANDY, YOU OBVIOUSLY HEARD THIS STORY FROM ANOTHER WOMAN, YOU KNOW, PROBABLY THAT WHACK JOB EMILY.
I KNEW YOU WEREN' OVER HER YET.
NO, BABY, BABY, PLEASE, PLEASE! YOU AND ME, WE'RE FO' REALS, HUH? NO, NO.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ENGAGED TO EMILY FOR 17 DAYS.
THIS IS THE MOST INSENSITIVE GIFT I HAVE EVER GOTTEN.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO! UM, NO, THERE-- THERE'S NO OTHER GIRL.
NO ONE TOLD ME THIS STORY.
(pants and grunts) I MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.
YOU DID WHAT? I WANT--I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY MEANINGFUL, BUT I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.
SO I MADE UP (growly voice) OH, JIM (normal voice) I MADE UP A STUPID STORY THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
YOU MADE THE WHOLE THING UP? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD SINK THAT LOW.
I MEAN, IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO GIVE ME A GIF BASED ON WHO I AM? CAN I--CAN I JUST SAY ONE MORE THING IN MY DEFENSE? GO AHEAD.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! I CAN'T STAY FOR DINNER.
WAIT--WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU CAN'T BARGE IN HERE WITHOUT KNOCKING FIRST.
WHAT IF I WAS NUDE? I KNOCKED THE LAST TIME, AND YOU WERE NUDE.
WELL, I THOUGH YOU WERE THE MAILMAN.
WE GOT THIS RUNNING JOKE.
I DON'T THINK HE GETS IT, THOUGH.
I'M NOT STAYING FOR DINNER BECAUSE I'M VERY UPSE WITH ANDY.
BUT I DID BRING YOU THREE BEAN SALAD.
OH, WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
NICE WORK.
OKAY, SEE YA.
WAIT.
WHAT HAPPENED? ANDY GAVE ME THESE CHINESE CHECKERS FOR MY BIRTHDAY, TOLD ME I PLAYED IT AS A KID, BUT IT WAS JUST SOME STUPID STORY HE MADE UP.
THAT'S WEIRD.
I MEAN, UH, WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? HUH.
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
SEE YA.
NO, NO.
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU DO? YEAH.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GET ME SUCH GREAT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS, AND ANDY IS TRYING TO COMPETE WITH YOU.
(sighs) THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW THAT.
OF COURSE.
MM.
YOU CAN'T GIVE ANDY A HARD TIME BECAUSE I SET THE BAR SO HIGH.
I MEAN, HE'S TRYIN'.
WELL, I GUESS HIS HEAR WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
ABSOLUTELY.
DON'T PUNISH HIM BECAUSE HE'S NOT AS CLASSY AS MOI.
OH, COME ON.
SEE YA.
JIM'S REALLY A GOOD GIFT GIVER? OH, THE BEST.
OH, I WOULDN'T EXPECT THAT.
OH, YEAH.
HE GETS THESE-- THESE SIMPLE, INEXPENSIVE GIFTS THAT ALWAYS HAVE A THOUGHTFUL STORY BEHIND 'EM.
HE REMEMBERS EVERY DETAIL.
REALLY? JIM? YEAH.
HE REMEMBERS STORIES I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER TELLING.
OH, HONEY.
CRAP! I KNEW I NEVER WANTED WOODEN SHOES AS A KID.
KIDNEY, GARBANZO, GREEN.
KIDNEY, GARBANZO, GREEN.
KIDNEY, GARBANZO, GREEN.
HEY, THIS MANDY CAN COOK.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF MANDY, OUR CONVERSATION LAST NIGH GOT ME THINKIN'.
YEAH? YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS GET ME SUCH MEANINGFUL, EMOTIONAL GIFTS FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
MM-HMM.
AND THIS YEAR I WANTED TO DO THAT FOR YOU.
WELL, THAT'S GONNA BE KIND OF HARD, CHERYL.
I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY MEANINGFUL EMOTIONS.
IT WAS TOUGH, BUT I THINK I FOUND THE PERFECT GIFT, AND IT IS WAITING FOR YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM.
COME ON! YOU INSTALLED A TOILET NEXT TO THE COUCH? OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT ANNIVERSARY.
I KNOW, IT IS, IT IS! COME ON.
WHAT DID YOU GET ME? WHAT DID YOU GET ME? (laughs) WHERE THE HELL'S MY BIG-SCREEN TV? I REPLACED IT WITH THIS SUPER SPECTRUM ASTROTRON IN LIVING COLOR.
TA-DA REMEMBER? IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE YOU USED TO WATCH WITH YOUR UNCLE.
WHEN YOU WERE A KID, YOU USED TO STAY UP LATE AND WATCH THE BLACKHAWKS GAMES.
I DON'T REMEMBER WATCHING ANY HOCKEY WITH ANY UNCLE.
OH, SURE YOU DO.
YOU TOLD ME ABOUT I ON OUR THIRD DATE.
I MEAN, I WOULDN'T MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT UP.
YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PRETTY HORRIBLE PERSON TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
SO, JIM, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME? YES.
YES, CHERYL.
I LOVE THIS TV! OH, WOW, LOOK AT THAT! WHAT A GREAT GIFT, HONEY.
HEY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? ALL THREE CHANNELS! OH, THIS IS SO GREAT, I FEEL LIKE MY-- MY UNCLE IS HERE WITH ME.
MY UNCLE, UH, WHAT WAS HIS NAME? BITE ME.
YEAH.
YEAH, UNCLE BITE ME, WHO WAS MARRIED TO MY AUNT CRAM IT.
WOULD YOU STOP IT? ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT ME, ALL RIGHT? MAYBE I FUDGED A FEW DETAILS ON A COUPLE OF ANNIVERSARIES.
NO, JIM, EIGHT ANNIVERSARIES.
EIGHT! EIGHT? IT WAS NO EIGHT! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT--EIGHT? YEAH, EIGHT.
YEAH, BUT 8 OUT OF 15-- 19, RIGHT.
YOU TOLD ME THAT MY MOM AND I USED TO DRINK COCOA OUT OF A MUG LIKE THIS AFTER WE'D GO ICE SKATING.
OH, CHERYL, THAT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
I'M GETTING ALL CHOKED UP.
YOU LIED! OH, CHERYL-- AND THIS STUPID THING-- SHEEP ON WHEELS?! STUPID?! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A SHEEP ON WHEELS? I MEAN, YOU CAN FIND A PIG ON WHEELS, BUT TRY COMING UP WITH A STORY ON THAT.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE-- THE WOOD PLANE.
A WOOD PLANE, JIM? CHERYL, CHERYL, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT WOOD PLANE, THESE WOODEN SHOES WOULDN'T HAVE FIT RIGHT.
YOU SUCK.
OKAY, CHERYL, TO BE FAIR HERE, OKAY, IF YOU WOULD HAVE CAUGHT ME WITH THAT COOKIE JAR, THE OTHER SEVEN LIES WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
KIND OF RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS, TOO, BABE.
THIS IS MY FAULT? YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU EVEN ADMITTED TO IT.
WHEN? WELL, WE HAD BEEN DATING FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS.
WE'RE HAVING DRINKS AT THE PALMER HOUSE, AND YOU SAID IF YOU EVER HAVE TO LIE-- OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE DOING IT NOW! YOU CAUGHT ME.
SEE? WE'RE PROGRESSING.
WE HAVE A GROWING RELATIONSHIP.
FINE.
I'M GONNA GO GROW IN THE KITCHEN.
WAIT, CHERYL, STOP.
(sighs) BEFORE YOU GO, CAN YOU FLIP IT OVER TO 7? OH! (exhales deeply) (Andy) AH.
SO TELL ME AGAIN HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THOSE DIAMOND EARRINGS.
OOH, I LOVE MY NEW DIAMOND EARRINGS.
HA HA HA! I KNEW YOU WOULD, BABY.
DIAMONDS DON'T NEED A STORY.
(chuckles) OKAY, YOU CAN GO GET THOSE HOT STONES OUT OF THE OVEN NOW.
OKAY.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS HOW THEY DO THIS? OH, YEAH.
IT'S AN OLD INDIAN RITUAL DATING BACK A THOUSAND YEARS.
OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE CONVECTION OVEN.
I KNOW, BUT AN HOUR AT 450? JUST DO IT.
I GAVE YOU EARRINGS! (sizzling) AAH! GET--TAKE 'EM OFF! TAKE 'EM OFF! OH! OOH! AAH! AAH! (screaming) ARE YOU OKAY? (screaming and crying) (panting) I, UH, I-I-I THINK I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I HOPE SO, BECAUSE LATER I WANTED TO THANK YOU PROPERLY FOR MY NEW EARRINGS.
(normal voice) I'M FINE.
UH, I'LL BE GREAT.
(grunts) HEY, WHAT ARE YOU COOKIN' IN HERE--BURGERS? HONEY, LET ME GO GET YOU SOME OINTMENT, OKAY? MWAH.
OH.
MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
(growls) I'M TAPPIN' THA I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN THE DOGHOUSE.
OH, I BOUGHT HER DIAMONDS, JIM.
I CAN DO NO WRONG.
DIAMONDS.
I CAN LISTEN, NOT LISTEN, CALL HER BY THE WRONG NAME.
ALL SHE HEARS IS, "LOOK AT ME SPARKLE.
" ANDY, I REALLY NEED YOU-- CAN YOU PUT THOSE COWS BACK IN THE BARN? LOOK, YOU REALLY SCREWED ME UP WITH CHERYL.
HOW IS THAT MY FAULT? BECAUSE YOUR LIES SUCKED, AND THAT SCREWED UP MY BRILLIANT LIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM? WHAT? HMM? ANDY, PLEASE, PUT IT AWAY! WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOUR WIFE SOMETHING NICE INSTEAD OF TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT? EASY? YOU THINK IT'S EASY COMING UP WITH CONVINCING LIES AND STICKING TO 'EM FOR ALL THESE YEARS? NOTHING IN HERE IS EASY! JIM, I'M ALL BLISSED OU FROM MY MASSAGE.
YOU'RE KIND OF HARSHING MY RUB.
FINE.
I'LL FIGURE OU SOMETHING FOR MYSELF.
MM.
BE COOL, BRO.
(screaming) HEY, BRO, THANKS FOR THE HELP.
THIS TV SUCKS.
I HATE TEACHING JIM LESSONS.
HELLO, MY DEAR WIFE.
(sighs) HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
WHAT'S THIS? IRREGULAR SOCKS? DID MY FEET GROW TO DIFFERENT SIZES WHEN I WAS 8? NO.
THIS IS A REAL GIF FROM A REAL STORE, NOT FROM SOME GUY ON THE CORNER SELLING RUGS OR DAY-OLD MEAT-- WHICH, BY THE WAY, I GOT DINNER COVERED.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
(gasps) JIM! OH, MY GOD.
DIAMOND EARRINGS? MM-HMM.
AND THE ONLY STORY THAT GOES WITH THA IS THAT THEY WERE VERY EXPENSIVE.
OH, JIM, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVE THEM.
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
YOU LIKE 'EM, HUH? OH, YES.
YOU SURE? YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KEEP 'EM? ARE THEY FROM A DEAD PERSON? NO, CHERYL.
YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE MORGUE.
THEN I WANNA KEEP 'EM.
HOLD ON TO THAT THOUGHT.
(gasps) WOULD YOU LIKE TO KEEP THESE DIAMONDS THAT YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO WHATSOEVER? OR WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE THIS MUG IN MY HAND? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M GIVING YOU A CHOICE-- EXPENSIVE, MEANINGLESS EARRINGS, INEXPENSIVE, MEANINGFUL MUG.
WHAT'S SO MEANINGFUL ABOUT THAT? YOU GOT IT FREE WHEN WE OPENED A CHECKING ACCOUNT.
YES, BUT THEN YOU STARTED USING THIS MUG EVERY MORNING TO DRINK YOUR TEA.
AND I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU WERE PREGNAN WITH KYLE WHILE DRINKING OUT OF THIS MUG.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE NOT MAKING THAT UP.
NO, BECAUSE I REMEMBER HOPING THAT YOU WERE MAKING THAT UP.
SO? WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? EARRINGS, MUG? EARRINGS, MUG? EARRINGS, MUG? UM-- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! BEFORE YOU DECIDE, IF YOU TAKE THIS MUG, I WILL THROW IN FOR FREE SHEEP ON WHEELS.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER, KYLE PICKED THIS UP AND UTTERED HIS FIRST WORDS? "DOGGY.
" OKAY, OKAY.
I-I GET IT.
WE BUILT A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES ON YOUR FOUNDATION OF LIES.
NO, CHERYL.
WE BUIL A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES ON MY-- OH, YOU DO GET IT.
CHERYL, I KNOW I MAY BE DIFFERENT THAN OTHER MEN, BUT I CERTAINLY AM NOT BORING.
(chuckles) NO, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT BORING.
IN FACT, YOU SPARKLE, WHICH IS WHAT MAKES THESE SO MEANINGFUL.
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE A REFLECTION OF YOU.
CHERYL, ALL I DID WAS GO TO A MALL AND BUY 'EM.
UH-HUH.
BUT BUT I PUT A LO OF THOUGHT AND EFFOR INTO FINDING THESE GIFTS.
UH-HUH.
BUT I THOUGHT THE MOS IMPORTANT THING ABOUT A GIF IS THE TIME AND THOUGH YOU PUT INTO IT.
NO, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT AS IMPORTAN AS HOW SHINY THEY ARE.
IN FACT, THE LESS YOU THINK, THE SEXIER YOU GET TO ME.
REALLY? OH, YEAH.
IF YOU STOP THINKING ALTOGETHER, YOU JUST MIGHT GET LUCKY.
REALLY? MM-HMM.
OH, HONEY, I LOVE THESE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? NOTHING.
HEY, UH, JIM, MANDY CAN'T FIND HER EARRINGS.