Black-ish (2014) s08e10 Episode Script

1 In America, education is the path to prosperity.
The problem is, for centuries, it was often denied to Black people.
We were sent to crumbling, segregated schools, and even now, many of our schools are in crisis or underfunded.
That's why when I had kids, I was determined to give them the best education possible.
So we put them in private school Valley Glen Prep.
The kind of school that senators, CEOs, and Ashton Kutcher send their kids to.
But private school comes with some trade-offs, like being among only a handful of Black families.
So we had to stay ready to go to war for our kids.
Well, they're not letting Zoey in honors math.
You know what that means.
Mm? I'm about to solve for an ass-whupping.
So, they all did it, but Junior is the only one who got in trouble? - - Pff! - - DRE: He won't be the only one in trouble now.
Today's menu knuckle sandwiches.
Oh, they say Jack's being disruptive! We gotta go down there.
Someone's about to cut class.
Sure, it's never easy to always have your guard up, but that's the sacrifice you make.
But with our last Johnson child starting at the school, we were hopeful that we would be able to put our shields and swords away.
This is an e-mail from the school.
They are worried that Devante is not keeping up with his peers.
But I guess today is not the day.
I just watched "Karate Kid" last night, babe.
I'm ready.
- Progress.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're not talking about grades.
- No.
We're not talking about grades.
We're talking about progress.
- Pshh.
- Progress? It is always something with this school.
I mean What, do they like it when I put them in the hurt locker? What is he falling behind in? Sitting still in a circle? Watering a plant? He's in kindergarten! Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Just what I thought.
- Not a drop of Curaçao left.
- Mm.
- Use this, baby.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, what what are you guys doing? Your mother wanted to do a little happy hour.
What the lady wants, ( the lady gets.
- Ah.
Um, okay.
Well, it is 2:00 in the afternoon.
Hey, you stay out of grown folks' business.
We're retired, sweetie.
It ain't like we got anywhere to be.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh.
Now, what's this I hear about Devante? We have a parent-teacher conference tomorrow to discuss his "progress.
" - Ooh.
- What? Y'all get to have a fight? - Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
See, too often, these schools come up with reasons to separate our children from the other kids.
Mm-hmm.
Dakota and Hunter get fast-tracked to the AP classes while our children get fast-tracked to detention.
- Mm.
- Devante's only in third grade, and they already trying to put him in the system.
- What? - What? Pops, he's in kindergarten.
You go to school for kindergarten? - Okay, you know what? - Yes.
Dre and I are gonna go down there tomorrow, and we're gonna put a smackdown on 'em.
- That's right, baby.
Aren't we gonna do that? - Mm-hmm.
- That's what we're gonna do.
Boom.
- Boom! Yes, we are.
Well, not often proud of you, son, - but this one brings a tear to my eye.
- Mm-hmm.
Course, it might just be the extra scotch bonnet pepper in the cocktail.
Well, you can't have a Dirty Ruby without the kick.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Come on, boo.
- Mm, mm.
- Here we go, baby.
Come on.
While Bow and I took on the system, Junior was still reeling from his break-up with Olivia.
Ridiculous.
They broke up weeks ago.
Future already had another baby by the time Ciara got with Russell.
Have a heart, Diane.
- I mean, can't you see that he's struggling? - Yeah.
Just look at him.
All his muscle gains from the summer, just gone.
Mm.
You know what? He needs us.
Hey, friend.
How can we help? Do you have a time machine? No, uh, we don't, but if we did, we'd use it to cheer you up, and I'd have put on some deodorant this morning.
Too late for that.
Um, okay.
What if we got you out of the house, go to a movie, huh? Olivia liked movies.
- Oh.
- Yeah, e everyone likes movies.
Okay, why don't we just go for a walk? Get some fresh air, huh? The last walk Olivia took was out of my life.
- Mm.
- You know what? Why don't I get you dressed, and I'll go take you out for some of those bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden? - Huh? - Oh, you do love those.
Bro, are you serious? Olive Garden? Olive-ia? Okay, you know, I'm gonna stay here, and I'm gonna learn the blues.
What? This "Junior being sad" thing is making me sad, and I didn't realize I had emotions.
- This is worse than I thought.
- Yeah.
We've got to call in an expert.
Jack, I was Charles.
Diane.
This is your expert? Hey, who better to help? Before he got married, Charlie was dumped hella times.
Oh, I was dumped on the way over here by an old girlfriend who just got out of a coma.
She thinks it's still 2000.
Still has finger waves.
That's why I came up with my patented "Charlie Telphy Heartbreak Recovery, Live Your Best Life and Go On King, Ten-Step System to Finding More Fish in the Sea.
" - Hmm.
- Sounds legit.
Mm.
I'm glad you all paged me, too.
I'm gonna take his shattered pieces and build him to be a better, stronger, happier, sexier man.
We'll do whatever it takes.
Wonderful.
Before we go any further, there's a matter of my fee.
Oh, yes, your popcorn chicken is in the oven.
Mmm! Perfection.
We got a long night ahead of us.
Put a little hot sauce on that fee.
Okay.
On the day of the conference, we went in with supreme confidence.
Team Johnson was 12-and-0 against Valley Glen Prep, and today wasn't going to be the day we caught an L.
Hi, Dr.
and Mr.
Johnson.
I will be right with you.
Can I get you some water? - Uh, we're only thirsty for the truth.
- Yeah.
But yes, I'd actually really like some water.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Have me out here on my day off to talk about my son? I wish they would.
Let me tell you something when she comes back, we're gonna light her ass up.
None of these kids are special.
None of them.
Look at that.
These kids are garbage.
Look at that.
What is that, a purple tree? Hold up.
Is Devante spelling his name with a backwards "D"? - bullcrap! - Is that even a "D"? No.
All kids have problems with their letters, right? - One plus one equals - Damn.
Some of their handwriting is better than mine.
Is this school right? Is the only Black kid in class not keeping up with his peers? When she comes back, I'm telling you right now Oh.
This is not a good look.
and that's when we bring up the idea of a lawsuit, Dre! No, babe.
Which means Bow is about to go ham on this unsuspecting white woman for no reason.
- Hello.
- Hi.
We only have sparkling.
- Mm-hmm.
- Gotta do something.
Aah! Mama! I'm having a heart attack! Oh, my God! Baby! I got you, baby! Mama! Call an ambulance! You gotta do what you gotta do.
Aah! Call an ambulance! Oh, I think I'ma need an ambulance! Dre, I'm right behind you.
I'm right behind you, okay? And everything's gonna be just fine.
- It won't be.
- It will be.
His "D's" were backwards, Bow.
Backwards! Of all the times that you have decided to fake a heart attack, this is the first time that I have supported your decision.
I don't know where I'd be without that move in my arsenal.
Mm.
I'm gonna feel bad when I have an actual one, though.
Here it is the scarlet letter.
Oh, no, babe.
This is worse than "The Scarlet Letter.
" At least with a backwards "A," it's still an "A.
" This is not a good look, Dre.
There's not enough Black families at the school for this to happen.
They're all sitting around judging us, thinking that we don't read to our son, that we let the TV raise him.
I feel like this school has just been waiting around to tear down a Black family with five kids who all have no jump-shot.
Absolutely.
Devante cannot finish last in his class.
- No.
Please, no.
- All right? We've got to bring him up to speed for that "All About My Family" project that they're gonna put on display at the Open House.
Absolutely! And we're taking no shortcuts.
We're gonna stay on top of Devante until he's like that little girl with the crossover who won the spelling bee.
100%.
We will divert resources from some of our other kids.
That's fine.
We were going to regret Diane learning so much Russian anyway.
Oh, hell yes.
That child is frightening.
Okay.
We have now completed successfully Step One your sexification.
I wish the razor had slipped.
Hush with that attitude.
You'll never make it through all 15 steps.
I thought there were only 10.
Do you want to help your brother or not? No.
Look, you're thinking about all the wonderful things about your lady that you miss.
I need you to make a list of all the things that you don't miss, okay? We got to take her from hot to thot.
There's nothing wrong with her.
She's perfect.
Yeah.
Even I couldn't find any flaws.
My only knock on her was her taste in men.
Come on, now.
Junior, no one's perfect.
What? What, did she snore? She drive fast? She has a second family in Tallahassee? She look like it.
I mean, sometimes she hit her teeth with the fork when she ate.
- Clanky-mouthed heifer.
- Whoa, whoa! I know it's hard, I know it's hard, but you got to trust me, all right? We got to knock her off that pedestal in your brain.
Hey, Junior, remember that time that we heard her say "irregardless"? No-grammar-having hussy.
Okay, this isn't working for me.
I'm gonna go scour her social media account for secret messages that she misses me.
Uh Ugh.
Wow.
We didn't even pay you anything and I still feel ripped off.
Hmm.
This is worse than what I thought.
We got to skip to Step Six.
Does Olivia have a sister he can sleep with? Charlie.
Or a cousin.
Bow and I knew our son couldn't finish last, so we leaned into catching him up ahead of his "All About My Family" project.
Hey, buddy.
Let's get this project started.
Ah.
Yeah.
Ah.
Okay.
Let me, uh Let me take this and go show Mommy.
Backwards "D.
" No.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, this is nice.
Oh, look at that.
What do you think? Does Jack have a tail? Hey, Devante, finish this sentence "My family is " Poop.
Poop.
Poop? I would like to say "Black excellence," but, uh "poo" it is.
And all of our efforts seemed to make a difference.
But would it be enough? Looks good to me, Dre.
Of course you'd say that.
You have both legs.
Now, is that supposed to be you, baby? - Mm-hmm.
- Ooh.
Black Jesus wept.
Those white folks are going to eat you alive.
- Come on, Ruby.
- Mm! Okay.
Leaning in wasn't gonna be good enough.
My son clearly needed a boost.
It's because I'm Black, right? You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
What? Turns out the city won't allow us to go in the sewer like Ninja Turtles, so we got to skip to Step Seven manifestation.
Or as I like to call it, "Mental Movies.
" Ugh.
This should be good.
I don't think I have the energy for this.
Bro, it is so easy.
Just set your intention, let it go, and it'll come to you.
I do it all the time.
How do you think I got all those toothpick swords, huh? Exactly.
So close your eyes and manifest yourself the girlfriend you want.
One with good credit and a donk.
No, I-I don't want to be with anybody else.
I want to be with Olivia.
She's the only girl I've ever felt such a connection to.
Look, I know you're trying to help, but I don't think the Charlie Telphy method is for me.
Wow.
I really thought that "Charlie Telphy's Soup for the Brokenhearted Soul" would've fixed him.
I think I gotta rethink self-publishing this book.
Heading into the open house, I did what I needed to do to make sure people knew that the Johnsons belonged.
How's it going? I see Devante's got a little buzz.
Hmm.
It's going good, I think.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
What did you do? - Is it too good? - Yes! I was worried that all these people were gonna judge Devante, so I panicked.
- Okay.
- You know, and then I just it At first, I just added some legs, and then I just got lost in the art, babe.
- Oh, my God.
- Who knew I was so talented? I am mopping the floor with these 5-year-olds.
Ha! Uh, you think we'll get found out? Uh, you know, is this cheating? It is only cheating if we get caught, and we are not going to get caught.
- Mnh-mnh.
- We are not going to be the Black family who cheats.
So, I don't care if we have to fake Devante's paintings all the way through college, that's what we're gonna do.
We are not showing our asses - Oh, my God.
Ms.
Biggs is coming.
- What? - So, if she asks - Mm-hmm.
just say that Devante did this all by himself.
We just stick to our story, and we'll be fine.
Bet.
Dr.
Johnson, Mr.
Johnson.
Hi.
- It's so great to see you.
- Biggsy.
- So good to see you.
- Yes.
You know, I would love to have a quick word with you about Devante's project.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
Mm.
- Sure.
Yeah.
- Actually, just you, Dr.
Johnson.
- Oh, just me? - Yeah.
- Of course.
- I-I'm right behind you? - Yep.
Just follow me.
- Your hair looks so good today.
- Okay, thank you.
All right.
Mm.
- Never break.
- Mnh-mnh.
Never snitch.
- Go.
- I'm going.
Mm-hmm.
Principal Biggs was trying to catch us slipping, but I knew my baby wouldn't crack.
- Dr.
Johnson.
- Ms.
Biggs.
- This is Devante's work from last week.
- Mm.
Now, is there anything you'd like to tell me? His work has really improved.
Listen, I know that every parent has an instinct to help their child, but you're not allowed to do their work.
What makes you think we would do his work for him? 5-year-olds don't draw Gucci labels, Dr.
Johnson.
Well, I guess children's talent reveals itself at different times, Ms.
Biggs.
- Dr.
Johnson - Ms.
Biggs.
did you draw that picture? It's Devante's work.
Dr.
Johnson, did you draw that picture? That's Devante's work.
Dr.
Johnson.
It's Devante's work.
- Mr.
Johnson.
- Hmm? Can I speak with you? All right.
Mr.
Johnson, that's the third time you've done that.
Let's get this over with.
You're barking up the wrong tree, Biggsy.
All right? The Johnson family clan is clean.
Now, I'm not accusing you of anything.
I just have one question, Mr.
Johnson.
Did you draw that picture? Pfft, did I draw that picture.
Mr.
Johnson You've got to understand.
We're under so much pressure here.
Devante can't be the Black kid that's left behind.
You know how these people are at this school! They look at us differently! It's not fair! We're always under the microscope.
Well, I'm gonna put you under the microscope.
I am gonna call out this institution.
You can't kick us out.
We quit.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? - Good.
- Good.
We're gonna have to find our kids a new school to go to.
What? Put on your clubbing robe.
We've got a surprise for you.
We're taking you to Vegas! Also, you're out of ink.
I started self-publishing my book.
I really don't see how that's gonna make me feel better.
Of course it will.
Vegas is a place where desperation meets opportunity, and boy, are you desperate.
He's not desperate.
He's just sad.
Look, Junior, it's time we unbreak your heart.
Sure, Olivia was all right, but you're a cool dude.
I mean, you're tall, good-looking when you're not smiling and you have a job that doesn't involve you embarrassing yourself on Instagram.
Even though this didn't work out, you're still a catch.
You really think that? You know how I feel about repeating myself.
Yeah.
This dude's an idiot, but if he can find love, so can you.
Thanks.
Man, I really need to wash this thing.
Mm-hmm.
You sure do.
We can't take the kids out of school.
It's the middle of the school year.
Well, you know, Valley Glen Prep isn't the only good private school, babe.
There's Oakwood, there's Sierra Canyon, there's that Catholic school that had that thing a few years ago but they're good now.
Okay, even if we put them in another school, how do we know it's gonna be any different? We don't.
All I know is that we've been playing defense since our kids have been in school.
Bow, I'm tired.
I'm tired, too.
I mean, it's not just school.
It just feels like it's happening a lot lately.
Mm.
We're on the defensive at work and with the neighbors.
It's just like, I can't remember the last time we didn't have our guard up.
We didn't when we were with Michelle Obama, and that was fun.
That was so much fun.
Mm-hmm.
And it was easy.
Yes.
And it didn't feel like all the eyes were on us.
We could just be.
Can't do that here.
At this school, there's no anonymity.
Everyone knows that we're the Black family.
Yeah.
So, what do we do? What? About Devante in school? Yeah.
We do what we did with the other kids.
We live with the trade-offs.
I guess.
I mean we didn't have to make such a big deal out of this.
It was only a backwards "D.
" Yeah, we definitely could have handled that differently.
Oh, boy.
I called Biggsy a cop and knocked over a janitor's bucket.
She's a Black lady principal who gets mistaken for the lunch lady, so I'm sure she can understand how hard this place is, right? I don't know.
Dre, I guess this is what we have to do to give our kids the best.
Yep.
Hmm.
Should we just keep them here? Yeah, but let's tell Biggsy tomorrow.
I told her I wasn't playing.
If we go back too soon, she'll know that I was playing.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Let's go.
There is no perfect solution for where to send our kids to school.
We want to give them every advantage.
But sometimes, that comes at a cost, even to us.
Finger painting? Boy, they're trying to get your prints into the system.
I'm not wasting any more macaroni.
This is silly.
Your real education is gonna come from the streets, baby.
Son, when your life is on the line, do you really think a member from Rollin' 60s is gonna care about your backward "D's"? - Mm-hmm.
- Mnh-mnh.
A backwards "C" could save your life.
The first essential skill a pair of shooting dice.
Now, don't put those in your mouth.
Not unless it's part of your con.
I've seen it work before.
I'm gonna get us some drinks, Earl.
Then we're gonna get into the art of short-changing.
All right, Devante.
That's Grandma baby.
Just pay attention to Grandpa here.
Ah! Snake eyes.
Damn.