Will and Grace s08e10 Episode Script
Von Trapped
Oh.
That was delicious You know, there is nothing like a balanced breakfast to start your day off right What's balanced about nine uppers and an iced coffee? At home I had nine downers and a hot tea Oh! I'm so excited! The Sound of Music Sing-Along is back! And I'm not missing it this time Oh, it's going to be so much fun We can dress up like the characters and sing all the songs Oh, we can go as Maria and Captain Von Trapp, I call Maria! Well.
I just hope there aren't too many gay guys there dressed like nuns Brings back bad memories of Catholic school I don't know Gay guys and sing-alongs? It's all a little to obvious, isn't it? I just hate to feel like a stereotype Mm! This is whole milk! Great.
I just drank whole milk Now I'm fat and I'll never find love You're coming.
And stop pretending like you don't like this movie Your mother showed me those photos You know the ones I'm talking about All right It'll be fun And where else can you see grown men in floral short shorts belting out show tunes? Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do, so do! Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Von Trapped ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Do you think people can tell I'm Maria, even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp? Of course, honey You make a perfect Maria You're sweet and perky, and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun Because you're a whore Thanks, Karen - And a Jew - Yeah, I got it! Oh, how cute! Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes Yeah, I don't think those are girls You know, as much fun as this is I think I'm going to get a drink Actually, more like sixteen going on seventeen Mm-mm, What is that vision in brown at the candy counter? Oh, I know.
Doesn't that Hershey bar look delicious? I'm talking about the cute guy, not candy Later hosen Here you go What am I supposed to do with this? Well, you're supposed to tear it in two give me one half and I guess keep the other half for your big theater scrap book I'm not an usher Well, then why are you dressed like an usher? I'm not.
I'm Captain Von Trapp I have seven singing children and my cold heart was recently melted by a young nun Where do you think you are? Uh, at the Sound of Music Sing-Along Where do you think you are? At the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha Ooh.
I think you're in the wrong place If this isn't the theater showing Memoirs of a Geisha then why are all these people coming out going "Eh" Hey - Where are you? - Where are you? - I'm right by the door - I'm by the door I don't see you Are you at the entrance at 39th? That's the last time I let you give me directions while you're eating a muffin Well, get here as fast as you can I'm all dressed up as Maria I look like an idiot without you While I, in a Viennese captain's uniform fit right in at the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha I'll be there as soon as I can like you've got a long, long way to run Heh.
I guess I'm the one that looks like a complete fool.
Heh-heh Don't feel too bad.
My shoes don't match my belt Actually they do I can't believe I'm in the wrong theater Well Maybe you're not So.
Tell me something, peanut brittle If we were boyfriends would I be able to get free nachos? - Yes.
Would you like some free nachos? - Oh, no I couldn't! I'm watching your figure I was just in the bathroom and what do you know I just scored a few of my favorite things It's official Ralph and I are in love His butter might be fake but his feelings for me are very real All right.
I have to wait for Will You go and save seats in the front row of the balcony I brought marionettes to dangle over the orchestra during "Lonely Goatherd" if you put even half this much energy into finding a man Nah, probably still wouldn't work I'm double parked.
Can you keep an eye on them for a second? - Uh, no.
Not really.
.
- Thank you! Wh.
.
? Hey! What do I look like? Some kind of nanny? So, what is it about the Sound of Music that makes otherwise reasonable people dress up and act like lunatics? You're asking the wrong person I'm just going for my friends I'm not really a fan.
I think the whole movie is dopey and sentimental.
.
- Oh, really? 'Cause I love it - Oh, thank God, because I love it, too! I know the lyrics to every song and the last time I was hiking a helicopter flew over and I twirled and twirled 'til I threw up Wow.
I, uh, I guess I just like it then Excuse me - Hello? - Where are you? I think I met someone! I don't see how that's possible, because every gay man in the city is in this theater There's so much lisping going on, it sounds like someone poked a hole in the lobby I just have to run off to the bathroom Do you mind if they sit with you and your girls? - No, they're not my.
.
- Thanks! Oh, this sucks! - Just hurry up! - All right Sorry - Problem with Maria - I see How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? - I'm done with those - Yeah, me too Hey.
I brought us some sodas And Ralph gave me fire balls Try not to itch, honey It only makes it worse Thank you Ah Just the right amount of soda You brought liquor into a movie theater? That is so classy Well Everything I do has a touch of class, Jackie You hit someone! Oh, he's okay, though.
But his wife is complaining to an usher She's really steamed Which I guess is appropriate, since she's dressed as a bright, copper kettle Crap.
I had to hit one of the six straight people here They're so litigious They're all like "Oh, I got hit by a bottle" You hit a queer and they're like "Did I just get hit by a bottle? Eh.
All in a day" Karen, that is an ugly and offensive remark which has no basis in reality Eh.
All in a day We'll be holding the film until we find the person who threw an object from the balcony I don't care Hold it If you have any information as to this person's identity or whereabouts please report to an usher immediately Big deal.
Like what are they gonna do? What we are gonna do is call the police and have them arrest the guilty party - Karen, we gotta get out of here! - Hold on, hold on Do you have any leads? - I guess he went on break - Go! Okay, let's make a run for it Honey, we can't My name was on that flask You put your name on the flask? Yeah.
It says "Karen Walker Bikini Inspector.
" I got it on spring break I hardly saw you that trip.
You were so into your "Rich Women Gone Wild" shoot Okay.
So you go back in the theater and try and find it - I'll see if Ralph has heard anything - Okay Hello, Ralph Listen I heard somebody threw a flask over the balcony? - Any idea who that was? - How did you know it was a flask? - I didn't.
You just said it was - Oh, that's right Well, they still don't know who did it - You didn't see anything, did you? - No.
Once Karen threw it, I just ran Right.
Well, if you hear anything let me know Oh, great.
Child care Child, yes Care Ugh.
I can't believe I'm missing this movie Where the hell is Will? We don't know so please stop asking You know, what? You're right I apologize to you And you And yieu, and yieu, and yieu If you were gay, you'd be rolling Why? Is that from the movie? Well, yeah, it's from.
.
Have you never seen this? It's just.
.
It's a.
.
It's just the best movie ever! What kind of parents do you have? Well, they left me here with you So you don't know any of the songs? Okay now.
I'm starting to think I was sent to you children for a reason I'm going to teach you But where to start? Ah! "Let's start at the very beginning A very good place to start" Is this how it sounds in the movie? Kinda.
Her voice was warbly sometimes Mine is a little more pure When you read you begin with-- Grace, Grace, Grace Karen threw a flask over the balcony and they're gonna hold the movie until they find her On the plus side Ralph and I just had our first kiss and his lips taste like Snowcaps So, James, you're seeing Memoirs of a Geisha alone, on a Saturday night No matter what anybody says I don't think that's sad I agree.
Sad would be showing up dressed as a kimono Unless that's what you're planning to wear when you see it which would be cool No.
That would be crazy It's January.
You know how hard it is to get sidewalk salt out of raw silk? I feel I need to say this I'm not a drag queen You know that, right? - Sorry / - I guess Maria's got a lot of rollover minutes - Hello? - Where are you? Oh.
.
I'm.
.
I'm on the train Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're on a train / Well, I am Don't do fake train to me I taught you fake train - I taught you fake train! - That's fake train? Sounded more like fake dishwasher When would you ever need fake dishwasher? Hey.
Listen to me Karen's in trouble She threw a flask over the balcony and hit someone If they catch her, they're gonna press charges.
Get over here I.
.
I'm sorry It's alright.
I heard It's cool My movie started ten minutes ago anyway - Oh, no, you're missing the previews! - Yeah, and they're my favorite part Me too Go Uh, listen, this was fun - Yeah, it was, I'm glad we, um.
.
- Me too - Okay.
Bye - Bye-bye Oh, goodness.
Finally! - What happened? - I'm sorry.
I.
.
I just.
.
Wow.
I didn't realize your costume was going to be this elaborate - Where is Karen? - I have no idea Shh! There is no Karen! I'm Sister Frances Beaverhousen Well, I got there too late One of those ushers had already taken my flask to the manager's office Calm down.
I'll go talk to the manager I'm sure we can work something out I'm surprised you can wear that thing without your skin burning - I feel scared - Me too Me too! Aw, sweetie, come here Everyone gather around You know what I do when I feel scared? Fart a little and then deny it? No.
Well, after that I try to think of some of my favorite things.
Like "Raindrop on roses and whiskers on kittens" "And then I don't feel so bad!" Oh, thank God! - "Rain.
.
" - Alright, enough! - Will, what happened? - The manager's such a jerk He wouldn't listen to reason So, I threw some paper clips in his face and I grabbed the flask Oh, thank God! - Empty! - Karen! Devil! We gotta get out of here They're after all of us now - Why me? - They heard you singing We can't get out They posted ushers at every door Trained movie theater ushers We're von trapped! I know! I'll find Ralph - He'll help us - No We can't trust him Can we? Who is he? Well, then who can we trust? What about me, lady? - Rosie! What are you doing here? - I wouldn't miss it I played Gretl in the El Salvador First National production Oh, Ro-Ro.
I would have payed six chickens to see that It was an equity theater you racist bitch Now, quick.
Hide in there before I change my mind.
come on Oh.
I.
.
I have to at least say goodbye "So long, farewell.
.
" Wierdly, this is not the first time a nun has urged me to stay in the closet How long are we supposed to stay in this filthy.
.
Oh.
Hey, I got time Okay.
Who's the guy? Are you going to see him again? I doubt it.
All I know is his name is James I didn't even get a phone number - Why not? - I don't know.
I.
.
You called.
His movie was starting It just didn't happen So, you chickened out Pretty much.
I don't know I just I guess I couldn't face What, Will? What is it you can't face? I don't know.
I guess I just didn't want to seem desperate You know, I didn't want him to think that I was making more of it than it was Well, if he was talking to you then he must be desperate, too As soon as we get out of here you've gotta go back to the theater - You've gotta find him - No, it was just a drink.
And.
.
And it probably did mean more to me than it did to him - Shh! I hear something! - Oh! Oh, thank God, Ralph! Wait, wait, wait Don't do it, Ralph You're not one of them Come on Go out the back way They're here! You're an usher Why do you have a whistle? I also coach soccer Captain.
I was hoping I'd find you Ooh.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I thought you were someone else What the--? Eh.
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That was delicious You know, there is nothing like a balanced breakfast to start your day off right What's balanced about nine uppers and an iced coffee? At home I had nine downers and a hot tea Oh! I'm so excited! The Sound of Music Sing-Along is back! And I'm not missing it this time Oh, it's going to be so much fun We can dress up like the characters and sing all the songs Oh, we can go as Maria and Captain Von Trapp, I call Maria! Well.
I just hope there aren't too many gay guys there dressed like nuns Brings back bad memories of Catholic school I don't know Gay guys and sing-alongs? It's all a little to obvious, isn't it? I just hate to feel like a stereotype Mm! This is whole milk! Great.
I just drank whole milk Now I'm fat and I'll never find love You're coming.
And stop pretending like you don't like this movie Your mother showed me those photos You know the ones I'm talking about All right It'll be fun And where else can you see grown men in floral short shorts belting out show tunes? Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do, so do! Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Von Trapped ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Do you think people can tell I'm Maria, even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp? Of course, honey You make a perfect Maria You're sweet and perky, and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun Because you're a whore Thanks, Karen - And a Jew - Yeah, I got it! Oh, how cute! Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes Yeah, I don't think those are girls You know, as much fun as this is I think I'm going to get a drink Actually, more like sixteen going on seventeen Mm-mm, What is that vision in brown at the candy counter? Oh, I know.
Doesn't that Hershey bar look delicious? I'm talking about the cute guy, not candy Later hosen Here you go What am I supposed to do with this? Well, you're supposed to tear it in two give me one half and I guess keep the other half for your big theater scrap book I'm not an usher Well, then why are you dressed like an usher? I'm not.
I'm Captain Von Trapp I have seven singing children and my cold heart was recently melted by a young nun Where do you think you are? Uh, at the Sound of Music Sing-Along Where do you think you are? At the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha Ooh.
I think you're in the wrong place If this isn't the theater showing Memoirs of a Geisha then why are all these people coming out going "Eh" Hey - Where are you? - Where are you? - I'm right by the door - I'm by the door I don't see you Are you at the entrance at 39th? That's the last time I let you give me directions while you're eating a muffin Well, get here as fast as you can I'm all dressed up as Maria I look like an idiot without you While I, in a Viennese captain's uniform fit right in at the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha I'll be there as soon as I can like you've got a long, long way to run Heh.
I guess I'm the one that looks like a complete fool.
Heh-heh Don't feel too bad.
My shoes don't match my belt Actually they do I can't believe I'm in the wrong theater Well Maybe you're not So.
Tell me something, peanut brittle If we were boyfriends would I be able to get free nachos? - Yes.
Would you like some free nachos? - Oh, no I couldn't! I'm watching your figure I was just in the bathroom and what do you know I just scored a few of my favorite things It's official Ralph and I are in love His butter might be fake but his feelings for me are very real All right.
I have to wait for Will You go and save seats in the front row of the balcony I brought marionettes to dangle over the orchestra during "Lonely Goatherd" if you put even half this much energy into finding a man Nah, probably still wouldn't work I'm double parked.
Can you keep an eye on them for a second? - Uh, no.
Not really.
.
- Thank you! Wh.
.
? Hey! What do I look like? Some kind of nanny? So, what is it about the Sound of Music that makes otherwise reasonable people dress up and act like lunatics? You're asking the wrong person I'm just going for my friends I'm not really a fan.
I think the whole movie is dopey and sentimental.
.
- Oh, really? 'Cause I love it - Oh, thank God, because I love it, too! I know the lyrics to every song and the last time I was hiking a helicopter flew over and I twirled and twirled 'til I threw up Wow.
I, uh, I guess I just like it then Excuse me - Hello? - Where are you? I think I met someone! I don't see how that's possible, because every gay man in the city is in this theater There's so much lisping going on, it sounds like someone poked a hole in the lobby I just have to run off to the bathroom Do you mind if they sit with you and your girls? - No, they're not my.
.
- Thanks! Oh, this sucks! - Just hurry up! - All right Sorry - Problem with Maria - I see How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? - I'm done with those - Yeah, me too Hey.
I brought us some sodas And Ralph gave me fire balls Try not to itch, honey It only makes it worse Thank you Ah Just the right amount of soda You brought liquor into a movie theater? That is so classy Well Everything I do has a touch of class, Jackie You hit someone! Oh, he's okay, though.
But his wife is complaining to an usher She's really steamed Which I guess is appropriate, since she's dressed as a bright, copper kettle Crap.
I had to hit one of the six straight people here They're so litigious They're all like "Oh, I got hit by a bottle" You hit a queer and they're like "Did I just get hit by a bottle? Eh.
All in a day" Karen, that is an ugly and offensive remark which has no basis in reality Eh.
All in a day We'll be holding the film until we find the person who threw an object from the balcony I don't care Hold it If you have any information as to this person's identity or whereabouts please report to an usher immediately Big deal.
Like what are they gonna do? What we are gonna do is call the police and have them arrest the guilty party - Karen, we gotta get out of here! - Hold on, hold on Do you have any leads? - I guess he went on break - Go! Okay, let's make a run for it Honey, we can't My name was on that flask You put your name on the flask? Yeah.
It says "Karen Walker Bikini Inspector.
" I got it on spring break I hardly saw you that trip.
You were so into your "Rich Women Gone Wild" shoot Okay.
So you go back in the theater and try and find it - I'll see if Ralph has heard anything - Okay Hello, Ralph Listen I heard somebody threw a flask over the balcony? - Any idea who that was? - How did you know it was a flask? - I didn't.
You just said it was - Oh, that's right Well, they still don't know who did it - You didn't see anything, did you? - No.
Once Karen threw it, I just ran Right.
Well, if you hear anything let me know Oh, great.
Child care Child, yes Care Ugh.
I can't believe I'm missing this movie Where the hell is Will? We don't know so please stop asking You know, what? You're right I apologize to you And you And yieu, and yieu, and yieu If you were gay, you'd be rolling Why? Is that from the movie? Well, yeah, it's from.
.
Have you never seen this? It's just.
.
It's a.
.
It's just the best movie ever! What kind of parents do you have? Well, they left me here with you So you don't know any of the songs? Okay now.
I'm starting to think I was sent to you children for a reason I'm going to teach you But where to start? Ah! "Let's start at the very beginning A very good place to start" Is this how it sounds in the movie? Kinda.
Her voice was warbly sometimes Mine is a little more pure When you read you begin with-- Grace, Grace, Grace Karen threw a flask over the balcony and they're gonna hold the movie until they find her On the plus side Ralph and I just had our first kiss and his lips taste like Snowcaps So, James, you're seeing Memoirs of a Geisha alone, on a Saturday night No matter what anybody says I don't think that's sad I agree.
Sad would be showing up dressed as a kimono Unless that's what you're planning to wear when you see it which would be cool No.
That would be crazy It's January.
You know how hard it is to get sidewalk salt out of raw silk? I feel I need to say this I'm not a drag queen You know that, right? - Sorry / - I guess Maria's got a lot of rollover minutes - Hello? - Where are you? Oh.
.
I'm.
.
I'm on the train Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're on a train / Well, I am Don't do fake train to me I taught you fake train - I taught you fake train! - That's fake train? Sounded more like fake dishwasher When would you ever need fake dishwasher? Hey.
Listen to me Karen's in trouble She threw a flask over the balcony and hit someone If they catch her, they're gonna press charges.
Get over here I.
.
I'm sorry It's alright.
I heard It's cool My movie started ten minutes ago anyway - Oh, no, you're missing the previews! - Yeah, and they're my favorite part Me too Go Uh, listen, this was fun - Yeah, it was, I'm glad we, um.
.
- Me too - Okay.
Bye - Bye-bye Oh, goodness.
Finally! - What happened? - I'm sorry.
I.
.
I just.
.
Wow.
I didn't realize your costume was going to be this elaborate - Where is Karen? - I have no idea Shh! There is no Karen! I'm Sister Frances Beaverhousen Well, I got there too late One of those ushers had already taken my flask to the manager's office Calm down.
I'll go talk to the manager I'm sure we can work something out I'm surprised you can wear that thing without your skin burning - I feel scared - Me too Me too! Aw, sweetie, come here Everyone gather around You know what I do when I feel scared? Fart a little and then deny it? No.
Well, after that I try to think of some of my favorite things.
Like "Raindrop on roses and whiskers on kittens" "And then I don't feel so bad!" Oh, thank God! - "Rain.
.
" - Alright, enough! - Will, what happened? - The manager's such a jerk He wouldn't listen to reason So, I threw some paper clips in his face and I grabbed the flask Oh, thank God! - Empty! - Karen! Devil! We gotta get out of here They're after all of us now - Why me? - They heard you singing We can't get out They posted ushers at every door Trained movie theater ushers We're von trapped! I know! I'll find Ralph - He'll help us - No We can't trust him Can we? Who is he? Well, then who can we trust? What about me, lady? - Rosie! What are you doing here? - I wouldn't miss it I played Gretl in the El Salvador First National production Oh, Ro-Ro.
I would have payed six chickens to see that It was an equity theater you racist bitch Now, quick.
Hide in there before I change my mind.
come on Oh.
I.
.
I have to at least say goodbye "So long, farewell.
.
" Wierdly, this is not the first time a nun has urged me to stay in the closet How long are we supposed to stay in this filthy.
.
Oh.
Hey, I got time Okay.
Who's the guy? Are you going to see him again? I doubt it.
All I know is his name is James I didn't even get a phone number - Why not? - I don't know.
I.
.
You called.
His movie was starting It just didn't happen So, you chickened out Pretty much.
I don't know I just I guess I couldn't face What, Will? What is it you can't face? I don't know.
I guess I just didn't want to seem desperate You know, I didn't want him to think that I was making more of it than it was Well, if he was talking to you then he must be desperate, too As soon as we get out of here you've gotta go back to the theater - You've gotta find him - No, it was just a drink.
And.
.
And it probably did mean more to me than it did to him - Shh! I hear something! - Oh! Oh, thank God, Ralph! Wait, wait, wait Don't do it, Ralph You're not one of them Come on Go out the back way They're here! You're an usher Why do you have a whistle? I also coach soccer Captain.
I was hoping I'd find you Ooh.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I thought you were someone else What the--? Eh.
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