According To Jim s08e11 Episode Script

1 You know, Cheryl, I know we always fight about which movie to see, but I think I found one we're both gonna like.
Oh, Jim, I don't want to see "zombie death ninjas.
" You know, nobody wants to see the zombies.
If you can see them, that means they're about to eat your brain.
Honey, honey, look.
"Christina's tears.
" It's about a woman on her deathbed who's remembering all the sweet moments of her life.
Oh.
Cheryl, I'm not gonna see that one until I finish the book That I'm not gonna buy, and I'm not gonna read.
Come on, we never see my movies.
What are you talking about? We never see the movies I want to see.
I haven't seen a movie I wanted to see in 15 years.
And that's my fault? Well, it's not my fault.
Honey.
We're going to the movies? I want to see "jami mcfame goes to London.
" I hear she rocks out with the queen.
We'll wait in the car.
Oh.
Oh.
I always forget.
It's the kids who ruined our life.
Yeah.
Good one.
All right.
Jim, Jim, i-i-i got your text.
What's the emergency? We are going to the track.
Well, what do you mean? It's not a workday.
Andy, I had a dream last night that me, you and Sammy Davis Jr.
Were floating on a raft down a river.
You, the Andy man and the candy man? Yes.
And this morning, I picked up the "racing form," and look who's running in the third race-- a horse named "three best friends.
" It's a sign.
We got to bet it.
W-w-w-wait, wait.
Me, you and Sammy Davis Jr.
Are best friends? Well, to be fair, Sammy didn't really care for you, but I talked you up.
Oh, thanks, man.
Let's go.
To the track.
Hi.
You Jim? Yeah.
I'm Phil.
Okay.
I'm Harry.
Todd.
Hello.
Jim, aren't you gonna introduce me? Uh, uh, guys, this is Andy.
Andy, uh, these are a bunch of guys with babies that broke into my home.
We're the daddy and me group.
Yeah, we're here to play with our kids And share our feelings about parenting.
With whom? You.
All of us.
Your wife said to be here at 10:00.
My wife? My wife? Cheryl! Freeze, blondie.
You freeze right there.
So I see you've met your daddy group.
What the hell, Cheryl? You can't spring this on me like this.
Well, my mommy and me group thought it might be nice to have a daddy group, and I was gonna run it by you, but it just seemed easier to sneak out like a coward.
Cheryl, forget it.
I got big plans today.
I know.
I know.
You got circle time, sing-along and healthy snack.
Unless these are names of horses, we got a big problem.
Come on, honey.
Help me out here.
I'm home all day with those twins.
I just want a few hours a week that are just for me.
A few hours a week? Yes.
Excuse me, Cheryl, but you know what? I've seen you sleeping.
Those hours are for you.
You take showers alone against al Gore's guidelines.
And last week, you were gone all afternoon at the dermatologist.
I had a biopsy, and I took the kids with me.
Oh, how did that turn out? Well, we can talk later.
I'm gonna miss the first race.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
I'm exhausted from those kids.
It's all I do all day.
Cheryl, I am exhausted from work.
I need this break.
My job never stops.
Oh, please.
Please.
Please.
I'd love to trade places with you just once.
Damn it.
See ya.
Ah.
I saw that coming out of my mouth, and I couldn't stop it.
On that farm he had a What, Liza? What did old MacDonald have, Liza? Pick an animal, Liza.
Hello! Liza! Uh, Jim, she-- she doesn't talk.
Oh, that means she loses her turn.
Pick me.
Jim, Jim, pick me.
Andy.
Um, hey, let's do duck again, huh? That was fun.
With a "quack-quack" here and a "quack-quack" there here a "quack," there a "quack" everywhere a "quack-quack" okay, okay, okay, okay.
Song time is over.
Over, over, over.
Well, now what? Well, it says here in Cheryl's instructions that it's discussion time.
What the hell does that mean? We're supposed to share a hard time we had with the kids this week.
Besides right now? Does anybody know anything about their kids? Okay, Andy.
Pick an animal.
Uh How about the wildebeest? With a here and a there here a , there a Everywhere a Old MacDonald had a farm e-i-e-i-o can you believe this daddy and me crap? Yeah, it sucks.
You know, my wife says to keep an open mind, though.
(Scoffs why? When did an open mind ever lead to anything good? You got a point there.
In my day, "daddy and me" meant me sitting in the car with the heater on while he was in the bar getting tanked up.
Yeah, well, a lot's changed since the '30s.
You know what? I have a car older than you.
Hey, look at that.
They're both trying to get the same rattle.
Ha.
That's cute.
5 bucks says mine makes it first.
Oh, you're on.
Let me just--yeah.
All right, come on.
Come on.
Come on, Gordon.
Come on, Liza.
Go get it.
Gordon, go get it.
Gordon, go get it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Move, baby, there you go.
Come on.
Where you going? That's right, move.
Look at her.
It's like poetry in motion.
I'm gonna put you up for adoption if you don't get over there.
Go get it, Gordon.
Go get it.
Go get it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah! Oh.
All right, double or nothing? You're on.
Let's do it again.
All right, let's put these kids over here.
Set up the next thing.
Oh, I want in on some of this.
You want in on this? You want in on it? Who's got Liza? She's coming from behind.
"Lightning Liza.
" Let's go.
"Lightning Liza.
" That's right.
Champion! Come on.
Come on.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Oh, this is great.
Yeah, yeah.
This is what daddy and me should be about-- having fun, playing games, drinking at 11:00 in the morning.
Whoo-hoo.
Speaking of which, daddy needs another cold one.
You know, you shouldn't call yourself "daddy.
" It kind of creeps me out.
All right, who needs drinks here? Who needs drinks? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We need three beers and four baby bottles and a juice box.
Great.
Apple, if you got one.
Oh.
Come on.
One race.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Pay up, losers.
Wow, nice pick.
Yeah.
Who do you like in the next race? Oh, well, um Keep it on the down low Mm-hmm.
But, um, that Jonah kid, I don't think had has the brains to find the finish line.
Hey, Jonah's my kid.
Oh, he's a sweetie but slow.
I'm a little worried, Jim.
Huh? I don't know how I'm gonna explain all this extra money I've won to my wife.
That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
I just think she's gonna catch it, you know? She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
I stand corrected.
That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
Maybe she'll be happy I had fun.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Never tell them you had fun.
Why not? No, no, no.
They want us to be miserable just like them.
But that's crazy.
Yeah.
That's women.
I don't understand.
Bill, bill, bill My name's Phil.
Who cares? Listen, the point is if our wives find out we're having fun with these babies, they'll never let us do this again.
So I should keep this from my wife? Yes.
But that's lying.
That's men.
I don't know, Jim.
I don't want to get in trouble.
Ohh.
Let me guess.
You got married very young, right? Probably right out of high school? Yeah, we met in driver's ed.
Yeah, she's been driving ever since.
She was the best at parallel parking.
God, I love her.
I'm sure you do.
But let's get real here.
You'll probably never be able to salvage this marriage.
Well, that's what mommy says, but I don't see it.
Well, if there is any chance at all, all right, you got to stick with this one rule.
They like to see us suffer.
She does chuckle when I stumble.
Exactly.
All right, so what you got to do is when you go home tonight, you got to tell her, "i-I've had the toughest day I've ever had.
" Okay.
All right, let me hear you.
Come on.
Let me hear you say it.
Uh, honey, I'm exhausted.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You got to slump down in a chair.
Oh, okay.
You got to pull your shirttail out Okay.
Start rubbing your head like you got a pounding headache.
Oh, my head is pounding.
I'm so exhausted.
And my shirttail's out.
What a day.
Y-you got to put a little more feeling into it.
Can--can you work up some tears? Yeah, uh I'm just so tired.
That is great! That's great.
That's good? Yeah.
Now you do that tonight, and we'll be here next week suffering through the toddler triple crown.
Yeah! I tell you, I wouldn't mind winning 50 bucks off you every week.
Yeah, well, you know, Gordon choked in that last race.
Oh, don't be so hard on the kid.
No, he literally choked.
There was a raisin in the carpet, and it went down the wrong pipe.
Hey, honey.
Oh, hey, baby.
Where are the twins? Oh, they're upstairs sleeping, even though I'm the one who needs the nap.
Well, well, well.
Pretty tired, huh? Guess daddy and me was harder than you thought? Oh, Cheryl.
I-I don't know who's more exhausted-- those sweet little cherubs or me.
I mean, all that sharing and singing songs about the environment takes it out of you.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
I told you.
Admit it.
Being a mom is really hard.
Oh, you got me there, Cheryl.
You're right.
Oh, that sounded so good.
Okay, come on let me hear it again.
You're right, Cheryl.
You're right.
I mean, look at me.
E-even my shirttail is out.
'Cause I was right.
I was right.
I was right.
I was right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
I'm--I'm--I'm glad you're happy.
I am, 'cause I was right.
Oh, Cheryl.
I was right.
I was right.
All right.
A-all right.
This is never gonna happen again.
Yeah, about that.
No, no, no, Cheryl.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The other moms and I have decided we want daddy and me to be a regular thing.
No, ch--no, Cheryl, you-- you can't lay this on me now when I'm so exhausted.
My shirttails are out.
Welcome to motherhood.
No, Cheryl.
No! Yeah.
No.
No.
No, no-no, no-no, no, no-no, no Come on, Jonah! Get the lead out.
I think your car's put on the brakes.
Come on.
Come on.
Move it.
Let's go.
Move, move, move.
Come on, move.
We have a winner! Look at him.
We have blazin' Blake by a drool-covered chin.
Damn it, Jonah.
First, a peanut allergy, now this.
Okay, we're now accepting bets on race number five.
All right.
This is the grudge match-- "lightning Liza" versus "Gordon's gone.
" You're dead.
Yeah? Hey, listen.
Uh, Jonathan's up for the sixth race and seems a little cranky.
I think we should put him down.
You want me to shoot your baby? Andy.
'Cause really you should do that, Jim.
You're the dad.
Put him down for a nap.
Oh.
Oh, I'm really glad you made that clear.
Yeah.
Hey, there you are, Gordon.
Come here.
Hey, Liza.
Wave to the nice man who's gonna pay for daddy's teeth whitening.
Seriously, stop calling yourself "daddy.
" Hey, how was my advice with your wife? Oh, worked like magic, Jim.
Yeah? She even let me drive the good car today.
Paul.
Paul.
Paul.
I keep telling you.
My name's Phil.
I know, and I keep telling you, I don't care.
Come on, let's go.
Let's race these babies! All right.
All right.
Hey, racers, on your marks.
Here you go, Gordon.
Go, baby.
Here we go.
Get set.
Andy! A gun? What's wrong with you? It's a starter's pistol.
Babies crawl faster when they're scared.
Just say, "go.
" Oh, like they're gonna know what that means.
Do it! Fine.
Go! Come on.
Come on.
It's a raid! What the hell is going on? Oh.
And on that farm he had a cow e-i-e-i-o Cheryl, Cheryl, you're home early.
I mean, you should have called.
I-I could have had dinner ready for you, but I'm just so exhausted.
Sorry, I forgot my 300 bucks.
Oh.
Okay, Joan, I'm gonna have to go scream at my husband.
Can I scream at my husband on your porch? Sure.
It's not like the neighbors haven't see that before.
Phil.
I really think the baby should-- Phil! Jim, may I have a word with you? Uh, you say it's a word, but I know there's gonna be a lot more words, isn't there? So You guys having some problems, huh? Cheryl, before you start, I just want you to know that a lot of those kids were sharing at a third grade level.
Jim.
Okay, okay, and you know, we made 75 bucks, and I think we can make more next week.
Baby group is to stimulate our kids and enrich them.
Cheryl, I was stimulating them, and they were enriching me, that's all.
Jim, what you were doing out there is completely unacceptable to me.
That is because we were having fun out there.
What is that supposed to mean? It means the only reason you wanted me to have this daddy group is to see me miserable.
Oh, that is not true.
Oh, that is so true.
No.
Last week when you came home, I saw the look in your eye.
You loved it when you saw me suffer.
Oh, I did not.
Cheryl, you were dancing.
I was not.
I just--i move with a natural rhythm.
But, Cheryl-- and you know what? I am not having this argument.
Fine, let's go see a movie.
You know what? You--you were-- you were drinking, and you were racing our kids and gambling on it.
Okay, you-- you say, "gambling.
" I say, "math.
" You say, "racing.
" I say, "exercise.
" You say, "drinking," and I say, "being careful about hydration.
" I say, "you're full of it.
" Daddy group is over.
So I should just rent the movie? Oh, my babies, are you okay? No, i--no.
You are down to 30 bucks a week.
Wait, wait, wait.
Husbands, can you believe them? I know.
So selfish.
I tried to tell 'em.
Andy, you're counting gambling money with a gun in your lap.
Guess that makes me kind of a bad boy, doesn't it, Joan? Phil actually tried to make these baby races sound like a good idea.
Yeah, did he tell you gambling was math? Yes.
Did yours cry? No.
Oh.
Do you want me to talk to him? Oh, but it's a good thing that we put a stop to this.
Oh, I know.
Who knows how much little Liza's confidence would have been shattered when Gordon beat her? Absolutely.
Absolutely, except Liza was beating Gordon.
Well, let's just say they were gonna tie, but the point is-- oh, they were not in a tie.
My kid was kicking the crap out of your kid.
All right, you want to go, lady? And on that farm he had a cat e-i-e-i-meow! All right, next race, we got the main event.
Yes! Liza versus Gordon in the grudge match that will prove once and for all who's got the prettier mom.
My money's on Joan, especially since Cheryl's my sister.
Oh.
Okay, Gordon, come on.
Come on, sweetheart.
Is it your day, Gordon? Oh.
Is this gonna be your day? Oh, it's his day.
Don't tell anybody, but I ate chocolate before I nursed him.
I put coffee in his formula.
They don't test, do they? No.
Are you having fun? I am.
Good.
So I can have fun now? Fine.
There's maybe a part of me that got some small pleasure out of seeing you suffer.
Hmm.
Would that part be the dancing part? Probably, yeah.
Then I'm probably right.
Oh, fine.
You're right.
Blah, blah, blah.
Cheryl, can you put the "blah, blah, blah" first and the "you were right" at the end? That just sounds so much better.
Oh.
All right, can I have everyone's attention, please? Okay, Gordon, come on, buddy.
Real quick, attention, please.
Uh, concerning the seventh race-- "jumping Jonah's" a late scratch because he ate a penny.
Yeah, he thinks they're candy.
Okay, racers, on your marks.
All right, here we go.
Right here.
These are for you for your crybaby husband, you know, when your kid loses.
God, she turns me on when she talks trash.
Yeah, she's hot.
What? Look, sorry, me and Joan aren't doing so good.
And go! Come on.
Oh, my god.
They do crawl faster when they're scared.
Come on!