Beavis and Butt-Head (1993) s08e11 Episode Script
School Test ; Snitchers
You two are the worst students this school has ever had.
And now because of that no child left behind law, We may lose our funding.
Teachers will get laid off.
I could lose my job.
Eh, did you say something about a child's behind? Heh-heh.
Huh-huh.
He definitely said something about a child's left behind.
Huh-huh.
I heard him.
No wonder you're going to lose your job.
Shut up! How dare you! Okay, let's all calm down for a moment.
Now beavis, butt-head, Because next week's standardized test Is so important, We're going to use all of our best resources At highland high school to help you prepare.
Okay? It's a waste of time.
Okay? It's a waste of time.
They'll never get it.
They're morons.
They have the worst grades I've ever seen.
Well, that just means these boys have the most room For improvement.
Remember, it's all about helping the children.
Yeah.
Huh-huh.
Just keep them away from their behinds.
You see that? Right there.
You see that? Right there.
That's what I'm talking about.
Uh, eh, you know.
Whatever you're into.
Like childs' behinds.
That's not what I meant.
I was talking about no child left behind.
There he goes again.
Behind.
I found somebody.
The rest of the house left the situation.
But I got lean cuisine.
Huh-huh.
That dog needs a tan.
Yeah, yeah, really.
He's gonna take those dogs into the smush room.
Are those dogs guidos too? Eh, I don't know.
But they better be dtf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Poop! Oh, hell, yeah.
Ah, hell, yeah! Yeah! The master plan is going down.
So that was his master plan? To have the dogs like, poop on the rug? That was a good plan.
You see, a better master plan Would have been for the situation to poop on the floor, And then blame it on the dogs, see? Eh, wow.
That's pretty good, beavis.
That proves that you're even smarter than the situation.
Well, I mean, you know, I don't know.
I don't know if I'd go that far, but you know You know, it'd be cool to meet him some time, you know.
You know, talk about like poop and stuff And you know, master plans.
I don't know.
Heh-heh, heh-heh.
Neh-heh-heh-heh And now, my little lovelies Will go forth and poop.
Heh-heh.
As I go upstairs to my lair.
Heh-heh.
Something smells like poop.
And that something is poop.
There's poop here.
There's poop over here.
It's like easter But with poop.
Huh-huh.
The master plan unfolds.
Heh-heh, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Okay.
It's definitely What, did you let the dogs run the house? No, no.
I was sleeping the whole time.
Boy, this guy is a horrible liar.
Maybe you let them out.
Ah-ah-ah "I was asleep.
Wh-wh-what happened? Did they poop everywhere or something? In vinny's room or something? No, I'm surprised by that question.
Tried some lean cuisine.
So you let him out.
Nah, that's crazy.
Low grades reflect a lack of goals.
Eh, I thought it was because we're stupid.
Yeah.
Yeah Not at all.
So what do you want out of life? Eh, I wanna score.
Yeah, with two chicks.
And I want money, too.
That would be cool.
What about your higher aspiration? Huh-huh.
Ass.
Whoa! You're into behinds, too? You and mcvicker should hang out.
You know, I think you need to talk to our school therapist.
Right now.
Some students get test anxiety Triggered by pressure, the clock, even the sight A number two pencil.
What you need to learn is to find your happy place.
Eh, really? Huh-huh.
Eh, really? Huh-huh.
During a test? Yeah, I could pass that one.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
I want you to make friends with your stress.
You have any porn? That would help.
You have any porn? That would help.
Our eyes are closed, dumbass.
Uh, could you, like, describe the porn to us? Yeah, come on.
Humph! I think we're all done here.
I'm going to go ahead and send you boys Back to your teachers now.
Okay.
Beavis, butt-head.
These teachers have all agreed To help you prepare for the state test.
M'kay? So let the learning begin.
A prime number is a number that has only twodivisorsdivisers, One and itself.
Martin van buren was the eighth president.
"I" before "e" except after "c.
" Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Every positive number has two square roots.
One positive and one negative.
Prime number is Compound verb By one and itself.
One positive and one negative.
Eh Whoa! I just got something.
Huh-huh.
Number 2 pencil.
Huh-huh.
Number 2.
Oh, yeah.
Number two.
Poop.
It's a poop pencil.
Be sure to write your name on the answer document, m'kay? Don't spend too much time on any one question.
If you don't know the answer, move on to the next question.
Okay? And everybody ready? And go.
And everybody ready? And go.
Eh.
Hmm.
Huh-huh.
Hmph.
Okay.
B BA.
.
Wait a second BE Uh Hey How do you spell butt-head? Butt-head, eyes on your own paper, mm-kay? EA.
.
This test is hard.
Huh-huh.
You said hard.
I say hard all the time.
What's funny about that? Ow! Beavis, no talking.
Mm-kay? Yeah.
No talking, beavis.
Mm-kay? Yeah.
No talking, beavis.
Ow! Damn it! Beavis, I'm not going to tell you again.
Mm-kay? Well, good.
Mm-kay? Well, good.
'cause I'm getting tired of hearing it.
Ow! Cut it out, butthole! Uhhhh You idiots! The future of this school Is riding on this.
So you shut up and concentrate right now! Look, guys, I think what principal mcvicker Is trying to say is that it's really time to hunker down And get serious, mm-kay? Eh Huh-huh.
B-e-a eh F, beef, beefus Eh, huh-huh.
Mr.
Head.
Huh-huh.
I'm all done.
Uhhhh.
Your name? All this time, and that's all you wrote was your name? Yeah, and I wrote my name, too.
Yeah see? Beefus.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
That's not right.
What's wrong with you? I'm not going to let you ruin everything.
You're not going to rob me of my pension.
I can do better without even looking at the questions.
A, c, e, b, c -- It doesn't even matter.
Principal mcvicker cheating? I'm afraid I'm going to have to report this, mm-kay? Yeah, well, you can't report it because you're fired! It's your fault that they're so damned stupid! Whoa! He should make friends with his stress.
Yeah, maybe he'd calm down if he could see a child's behind.
He's into that.
Look at this guy.
He's got his whole day ahead of him, you know? Strolling down to the beach With the speakers the wrong way.
Huh-huh.
Not a care in the world.
Whoa! girl, I gotta know UhOh, no.
Huh-huh.
Well, at least he died before they started singing.
Huh-huh.
There was a schlong just then, But I'm not gonna say anything about it.
It's like these guys both look like ass-wipes But in two completely different ways.
Yeah, they complement each other, you know? Heh-heh-heh.
Let's seeWhat else can I do to be an ass-wipe? Hey, maybe I'll steal some jump ropes From little girls.
Steal some money from a homeless guy.
What else? Eh What else? Eh BoyHuh-huh.
It's like if their music by itself Didn't make you hate 'em, They're giving you plenty of other reasons.
Yeah.
I bet deaf people hate 'em too.
Heh-heh.
I'm glad these guys Found each other.
Huh-huh.
I wonder how they met.
They were probably like Pushing over some kid's sand castle And they were like, "whoaYou have tight jeans And converse all-stars just like me.
" Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Huh-huh.
Let's start a band.
That's how we roll through the century 21 branch office.
Heh-heh.
B-yotch! Yeah, yeah, take that! Your walls are clean now.
Heh-heh.
More allegations of cheating On the state's standardized test.
Only this time, the accused is a high school principal.
Pfft.
Yeah Principal mcvicker, do you care to comment on the charges? It's not me, it's them.
They're ruining our school.
They ruin everything! Hey beavis, I just drew a number two with my number 2.
Oh, yeah.
Not bad.
You might want to add a little shading.
Give it some lines.
Yeah.
He-huh.
Eh huh-huh.
Ehhh.
Eh What flavor is that? Um Blue.
Blue is my favorite flavor.
Whoa! It's todd.
Yeah.
Hey.
I know.
I know! What's up, douche bags? Frozen sippies, huh? You get money from the tooth fairy? EhYeah, but we had to, like, kick his ass first.
Yeah, that's how we roll.
You know what I'm sayin'? Hu-hu-yeah.
You know what I'm sayin'? Hu-hu-yeah.
hey, todd, where's my money? I don't have it, bitch.
What'd you call me? Bitch! What'd you call me? Bitch! What'd you call me? Unh! What'd you call me? Unh! Whoa! Beavis We, like, saw that.
Hey.
I know.
I know! Someday we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.
How did you get pregnant? Well, me and brandon went to a party one night.
And then we came home, and Mm-hmm.
I'm listening.
I honestly don't remember that much of the night.
Continue.
So we were kinda too stupid to be having sex.
We shouldn't have been Too stupid to be having sex? You can be too stupid to have sex? Yeah.
Maybe we should, like, study, Or pay attention, or something.
Look over my ged books with me? If "angle a" and "angle c" both equal 70 degrees, Then what is the length of side a-b? Uh The answer is "numbers.
" She has her smart face on.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Uhhhh Really excited to get my ged So I can go to college, 'cause That's my Boy, this guy is good At having a fake smile.
It's like what I'm excited for the future, so Unfortunately, you failed the math test.
You got 39% correct Mm-hmm.
On that one.
You needed a minimum 65% to pass that.
you got 39% correct on that one.
You needed 65.
And I know you suck at math, but that means you failed.
Hu-hu-hu-meh.
Hu-hu.
That would be cool to have this guy's job.
And then just, like, make 'em sit there forever Before you tell them.
I'd be like, Now, how do you think you did? Eh huh-huh.
Do you think you gave it your best? First tell me a little bit about yourself.
Tell me about your dreams.
Then after about an hour, I'd be like I'm afraid I have some bad news, aubrey.
Your journey ends here.
Hey, beavis.
Remember when todd punched that guy out? Yeah! Yeah, it's all I've been thinking about.
Yeah.
That was cool! Huh-huh.
It was cool.
Yeah, yeah.
It's exactly what I was going to say.
Listen up, guys.
Whoa! Hey! Well, speak of the devil.
Yeah, this is weird, 'cause, like, We were just talking about-- hey, shut up! Now look.
The cops busted me for punching that guy, And now they're bringing me to trial for assault.
It really sucks! 'cause I was totally acting in self-defense.
But I don't have to tell you.
You were the only witnesses.
So you know the truth.
Right? EhYeah.
We know the truth.
Yeah, heh, yeah, you kicked that guy's ass.
It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.
Uhh! Ow! That's not what you saw, douche bags .
Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you with subpoenas.
Uh-huh-huh-huh.
You said sub-- It's not funny, man! You better tell them exactly what you saw, Which is me defending myself.
Get it? UhYup.
Got it.
Heh, yeah.
Got it.
You can count on us.
You can let go.
Aah! Huh-huh-meh.
Huh-huh.
That was cool! Yeah, yeah.
So, um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself? Yeah.
That guy had the nerve to ask todd For the money he owed him, So todd had no choice but to kick his ass.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He kicked his ass.
That reminds me, butt-head.
You have that $2 that I loaned you? Uh I don't have it, bitch.
Ow! Aah! Butthole! Ow! I'm defending myself.
Ow! I'm gonna level with you boys.
What I'm asking you to do isn't easy.
It's never easy putting your butt on the line For the sake of the truth.
Eh, what line? Yeah, my butt already has a line in it.
right now, you're scared.
I don't blame you.
I've seen boys younger than you Disembowleddisemboweled for taking the stand.
Cool! Yeah.
But when you're up there, you won't be alone.
No.
You'll be sitting cheek by jowl With every ordinary citizen Who's ever had the courage to speak out against injustice.
Hey, beavis, this guy thinks he's, like, On law and order or something.
Yeah, yeah.
Ca-clank.
Guys like todd have to be taken off the street.
And with your testimony, I think we can do it.
What do you say? Eh, are you, like, the good cop? Yeah, yeah, we want the bad cop now.
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead and do that.
Is the person who started the fight Here in the courtroom today? Uh, yeah.
He's right there.
Would you point to him, please? UhHim.
Todd.
Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your honor.
You said "you're on her.
" Oh, yeah.
You're on her.
Boy, nothing gets by you, butt-head.
You should be a lawyer.
Heh-heh-heh-meh.
In the go-go dancing industry, It's very important to have big breasts.
EhThey should do shows About girls that already have big boobs.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause then, um, You know, that'd be like, you know, more pleasant.
Hu-hu-hu-hu-meh.
I'm tired of being known As the go-go dancer with no boobs.
Eh, the go-go dancer with no boobs? That's not a very catchy nickname.
I don't know why you're even looking at this stuff 'cause I mean you're fine the way you are.
Yeah , and I think you're fine With your backwards hat, dumb glasses And your skimpy beard.
You're fine.
Hu-hu-hu-meh.
With that beard, he looks like one of those little toys Where they have the iron filings And you take the magnet behind it And try to make its face look all stupid.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
She's gonna leave him for a guy with a real beard.
But it wasn't a problem when I had small boobs, So why should it be a problem when I have big boobs? Uhhhh Hold on, it's coming to me.
Uhhhh Hu-hu-hu-hu.
You're right, mom.
Huh-huh.
Eh-hu-hu-hu.
Eh-heh-heh.
Then you get home and it's like You're not important anymore.
That's bull-.
Well, to you I'm important.
Yeah.
I'm not talking to you, dumbass.
I'm talking to these cool people from mtv.
Yeah, get back to your computer under the stairs And shut up! She's like, "I know I'm important to you 'cause you're a loser.
" Eh-heh.
Yeah, I wanna' get big boobs Then I'll be important to cool guys With, like, lots of money and full beards and cars, And, heh, and they're not, like, under the stairs.
He's like, I don't mind the big boobs so much As all the other guys doing you While I have to pretend to sleep.
Beavis and butt-head, I've done a little research on you.
Isn't it true you once played baseball Using a frog as the ll? Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, I won.
No way! It was a tie! And that you were once demoted one grade at a time From tenth grade to kindergarten? Yeah, yeah.
Guilty as charged.
Right, right.
And isn't it also true that And didn't you also once-- Your honor, may we approach the bench? Yes, for god's sake.
The witnesses are inexcusable.
Uh, i mean, excused.
Thank you, drive through.
Hey, beavis.
Remember that time we were here, And todd punched that-- Guess what, guys? Even though you ratted me out, You're so unreliable, they couldn't convict me.
So, i'm free.
And me and the boys want to give you A taste of our gratitude All night long.
Beavis, i wanna remember every moment of this night.
Mm-Hmm.
Unh! Heh! Ow! Ow!
And now because of that no child left behind law, We may lose our funding.
Teachers will get laid off.
I could lose my job.
Eh, did you say something about a child's behind? Heh-heh.
Huh-huh.
He definitely said something about a child's left behind.
Huh-huh.
I heard him.
No wonder you're going to lose your job.
Shut up! How dare you! Okay, let's all calm down for a moment.
Now beavis, butt-head, Because next week's standardized test Is so important, We're going to use all of our best resources At highland high school to help you prepare.
Okay? It's a waste of time.
Okay? It's a waste of time.
They'll never get it.
They're morons.
They have the worst grades I've ever seen.
Well, that just means these boys have the most room For improvement.
Remember, it's all about helping the children.
Yeah.
Huh-huh.
Just keep them away from their behinds.
You see that? Right there.
You see that? Right there.
That's what I'm talking about.
Uh, eh, you know.
Whatever you're into.
Like childs' behinds.
That's not what I meant.
I was talking about no child left behind.
There he goes again.
Behind.
I found somebody.
The rest of the house left the situation.
But I got lean cuisine.
Huh-huh.
That dog needs a tan.
Yeah, yeah, really.
He's gonna take those dogs into the smush room.
Are those dogs guidos too? Eh, I don't know.
But they better be dtf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Poop! Oh, hell, yeah.
Ah, hell, yeah! Yeah! The master plan is going down.
So that was his master plan? To have the dogs like, poop on the rug? That was a good plan.
You see, a better master plan Would have been for the situation to poop on the floor, And then blame it on the dogs, see? Eh, wow.
That's pretty good, beavis.
That proves that you're even smarter than the situation.
Well, I mean, you know, I don't know.
I don't know if I'd go that far, but you know You know, it'd be cool to meet him some time, you know.
You know, talk about like poop and stuff And you know, master plans.
I don't know.
Heh-heh, heh-heh.
Neh-heh-heh-heh And now, my little lovelies Will go forth and poop.
Heh-heh.
As I go upstairs to my lair.
Heh-heh.
Something smells like poop.
And that something is poop.
There's poop here.
There's poop over here.
It's like easter But with poop.
Huh-huh.
The master plan unfolds.
Heh-heh, yeah.
Heh-heh.
Okay.
It's definitely What, did you let the dogs run the house? No, no.
I was sleeping the whole time.
Boy, this guy is a horrible liar.
Maybe you let them out.
Ah-ah-ah "I was asleep.
Wh-wh-what happened? Did they poop everywhere or something? In vinny's room or something? No, I'm surprised by that question.
Tried some lean cuisine.
So you let him out.
Nah, that's crazy.
Low grades reflect a lack of goals.
Eh, I thought it was because we're stupid.
Yeah.
Yeah Not at all.
So what do you want out of life? Eh, I wanna score.
Yeah, with two chicks.
And I want money, too.
That would be cool.
What about your higher aspiration? Huh-huh.
Ass.
Whoa! You're into behinds, too? You and mcvicker should hang out.
You know, I think you need to talk to our school therapist.
Right now.
Some students get test anxiety Triggered by pressure, the clock, even the sight A number two pencil.
What you need to learn is to find your happy place.
Eh, really? Huh-huh.
Eh, really? Huh-huh.
During a test? Yeah, I could pass that one.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
I want you to make friends with your stress.
You have any porn? That would help.
You have any porn? That would help.
Our eyes are closed, dumbass.
Uh, could you, like, describe the porn to us? Yeah, come on.
Humph! I think we're all done here.
I'm going to go ahead and send you boys Back to your teachers now.
Okay.
Beavis, butt-head.
These teachers have all agreed To help you prepare for the state test.
M'kay? So let the learning begin.
A prime number is a number that has only twodivisorsdivisers, One and itself.
Martin van buren was the eighth president.
"I" before "e" except after "c.
" Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Every positive number has two square roots.
One positive and one negative.
Prime number is Compound verb By one and itself.
One positive and one negative.
Eh Whoa! I just got something.
Huh-huh.
Number 2 pencil.
Huh-huh.
Number 2.
Oh, yeah.
Number two.
Poop.
It's a poop pencil.
Be sure to write your name on the answer document, m'kay? Don't spend too much time on any one question.
If you don't know the answer, move on to the next question.
Okay? And everybody ready? And go.
And everybody ready? And go.
Eh.
Hmm.
Huh-huh.
Hmph.
Okay.
B BA.
.
Wait a second BE Uh Hey How do you spell butt-head? Butt-head, eyes on your own paper, mm-kay? EA.
.
This test is hard.
Huh-huh.
You said hard.
I say hard all the time.
What's funny about that? Ow! Beavis, no talking.
Mm-kay? Yeah.
No talking, beavis.
Mm-kay? Yeah.
No talking, beavis.
Ow! Damn it! Beavis, I'm not going to tell you again.
Mm-kay? Well, good.
Mm-kay? Well, good.
'cause I'm getting tired of hearing it.
Ow! Cut it out, butthole! Uhhhh You idiots! The future of this school Is riding on this.
So you shut up and concentrate right now! Look, guys, I think what principal mcvicker Is trying to say is that it's really time to hunker down And get serious, mm-kay? Eh Huh-huh.
B-e-a eh F, beef, beefus Eh, huh-huh.
Mr.
Head.
Huh-huh.
I'm all done.
Uhhhh.
Your name? All this time, and that's all you wrote was your name? Yeah, and I wrote my name, too.
Yeah see? Beefus.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
That's not right.
What's wrong with you? I'm not going to let you ruin everything.
You're not going to rob me of my pension.
I can do better without even looking at the questions.
A, c, e, b, c -- It doesn't even matter.
Principal mcvicker cheating? I'm afraid I'm going to have to report this, mm-kay? Yeah, well, you can't report it because you're fired! It's your fault that they're so damned stupid! Whoa! He should make friends with his stress.
Yeah, maybe he'd calm down if he could see a child's behind.
He's into that.
Look at this guy.
He's got his whole day ahead of him, you know? Strolling down to the beach With the speakers the wrong way.
Huh-huh.
Not a care in the world.
Whoa! girl, I gotta know UhOh, no.
Huh-huh.
Well, at least he died before they started singing.
Huh-huh.
There was a schlong just then, But I'm not gonna say anything about it.
It's like these guys both look like ass-wipes But in two completely different ways.
Yeah, they complement each other, you know? Heh-heh-heh.
Let's seeWhat else can I do to be an ass-wipe? Hey, maybe I'll steal some jump ropes From little girls.
Steal some money from a homeless guy.
What else? Eh What else? Eh BoyHuh-huh.
It's like if their music by itself Didn't make you hate 'em, They're giving you plenty of other reasons.
Yeah.
I bet deaf people hate 'em too.
Heh-heh.
I'm glad these guys Found each other.
Huh-huh.
I wonder how they met.
They were probably like Pushing over some kid's sand castle And they were like, "whoaYou have tight jeans And converse all-stars just like me.
" Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Huh-huh.
Let's start a band.
That's how we roll through the century 21 branch office.
Heh-heh.
B-yotch! Yeah, yeah, take that! Your walls are clean now.
Heh-heh.
More allegations of cheating On the state's standardized test.
Only this time, the accused is a high school principal.
Pfft.
Yeah Principal mcvicker, do you care to comment on the charges? It's not me, it's them.
They're ruining our school.
They ruin everything! Hey beavis, I just drew a number two with my number 2.
Oh, yeah.
Not bad.
You might want to add a little shading.
Give it some lines.
Yeah.
He-huh.
Eh huh-huh.
Ehhh.
Eh What flavor is that? Um Blue.
Blue is my favorite flavor.
Whoa! It's todd.
Yeah.
Hey.
I know.
I know! What's up, douche bags? Frozen sippies, huh? You get money from the tooth fairy? EhYeah, but we had to, like, kick his ass first.
Yeah, that's how we roll.
You know what I'm sayin'? Hu-hu-yeah.
You know what I'm sayin'? Hu-hu-yeah.
hey, todd, where's my money? I don't have it, bitch.
What'd you call me? Bitch! What'd you call me? Bitch! What'd you call me? Unh! What'd you call me? Unh! Whoa! Beavis We, like, saw that.
Hey.
I know.
I know! Someday we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.
How did you get pregnant? Well, me and brandon went to a party one night.
And then we came home, and Mm-hmm.
I'm listening.
I honestly don't remember that much of the night.
Continue.
So we were kinda too stupid to be having sex.
We shouldn't have been Too stupid to be having sex? You can be too stupid to have sex? Yeah.
Maybe we should, like, study, Or pay attention, or something.
Look over my ged books with me? If "angle a" and "angle c" both equal 70 degrees, Then what is the length of side a-b? Uh The answer is "numbers.
" She has her smart face on.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Uhhhh Really excited to get my ged So I can go to college, 'cause That's my Boy, this guy is good At having a fake smile.
It's like what I'm excited for the future, so Unfortunately, you failed the math test.
You got 39% correct Mm-hmm.
On that one.
You needed a minimum 65% to pass that.
you got 39% correct on that one.
You needed 65.
And I know you suck at math, but that means you failed.
Hu-hu-hu-meh.
Hu-hu.
That would be cool to have this guy's job.
And then just, like, make 'em sit there forever Before you tell them.
I'd be like, Now, how do you think you did? Eh huh-huh.
Do you think you gave it your best? First tell me a little bit about yourself.
Tell me about your dreams.
Then after about an hour, I'd be like I'm afraid I have some bad news, aubrey.
Your journey ends here.
Hey, beavis.
Remember when todd punched that guy out? Yeah! Yeah, it's all I've been thinking about.
Yeah.
That was cool! Huh-huh.
It was cool.
Yeah, yeah.
It's exactly what I was going to say.
Listen up, guys.
Whoa! Hey! Well, speak of the devil.
Yeah, this is weird, 'cause, like, We were just talking about-- hey, shut up! Now look.
The cops busted me for punching that guy, And now they're bringing me to trial for assault.
It really sucks! 'cause I was totally acting in self-defense.
But I don't have to tell you.
You were the only witnesses.
So you know the truth.
Right? EhYeah.
We know the truth.
Yeah, heh, yeah, you kicked that guy's ass.
It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.
Uhh! Ow! That's not what you saw, douche bags .
Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you with subpoenas.
Uh-huh-huh-huh.
You said sub-- It's not funny, man! You better tell them exactly what you saw, Which is me defending myself.
Get it? UhYup.
Got it.
Heh, yeah.
Got it.
You can count on us.
You can let go.
Aah! Huh-huh-meh.
Huh-huh.
That was cool! Yeah, yeah.
So, um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself? Yeah.
That guy had the nerve to ask todd For the money he owed him, So todd had no choice but to kick his ass.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He kicked his ass.
That reminds me, butt-head.
You have that $2 that I loaned you? Uh I don't have it, bitch.
Ow! Aah! Butthole! Ow! I'm defending myself.
Ow! I'm gonna level with you boys.
What I'm asking you to do isn't easy.
It's never easy putting your butt on the line For the sake of the truth.
Eh, what line? Yeah, my butt already has a line in it.
right now, you're scared.
I don't blame you.
I've seen boys younger than you Disembowleddisemboweled for taking the stand.
Cool! Yeah.
But when you're up there, you won't be alone.
No.
You'll be sitting cheek by jowl With every ordinary citizen Who's ever had the courage to speak out against injustice.
Hey, beavis, this guy thinks he's, like, On law and order or something.
Yeah, yeah.
Ca-clank.
Guys like todd have to be taken off the street.
And with your testimony, I think we can do it.
What do you say? Eh, are you, like, the good cop? Yeah, yeah, we want the bad cop now.
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead and do that.
Is the person who started the fight Here in the courtroom today? Uh, yeah.
He's right there.
Would you point to him, please? UhHim.
Todd.
Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your honor.
You said "you're on her.
" Oh, yeah.
You're on her.
Boy, nothing gets by you, butt-head.
You should be a lawyer.
Heh-heh-heh-meh.
In the go-go dancing industry, It's very important to have big breasts.
EhThey should do shows About girls that already have big boobs.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause then, um, You know, that'd be like, you know, more pleasant.
Hu-hu-hu-hu-meh.
I'm tired of being known As the go-go dancer with no boobs.
Eh, the go-go dancer with no boobs? That's not a very catchy nickname.
I don't know why you're even looking at this stuff 'cause I mean you're fine the way you are.
Yeah , and I think you're fine With your backwards hat, dumb glasses And your skimpy beard.
You're fine.
Hu-hu-hu-meh.
With that beard, he looks like one of those little toys Where they have the iron filings And you take the magnet behind it And try to make its face look all stupid.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
She's gonna leave him for a guy with a real beard.
But it wasn't a problem when I had small boobs, So why should it be a problem when I have big boobs? Uhhhh Hold on, it's coming to me.
Uhhhh Hu-hu-hu-hu.
You're right, mom.
Huh-huh.
Eh-hu-hu-hu.
Eh-heh-heh.
Then you get home and it's like You're not important anymore.
That's bull-.
Well, to you I'm important.
Yeah.
I'm not talking to you, dumbass.
I'm talking to these cool people from mtv.
Yeah, get back to your computer under the stairs And shut up! She's like, "I know I'm important to you 'cause you're a loser.
" Eh-heh.
Yeah, I wanna' get big boobs Then I'll be important to cool guys With, like, lots of money and full beards and cars, And, heh, and they're not, like, under the stairs.
He's like, I don't mind the big boobs so much As all the other guys doing you While I have to pretend to sleep.
Beavis and butt-head, I've done a little research on you.
Isn't it true you once played baseball Using a frog as the ll? Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, I won.
No way! It was a tie! And that you were once demoted one grade at a time From tenth grade to kindergarten? Yeah, yeah.
Guilty as charged.
Right, right.
And isn't it also true that And didn't you also once-- Your honor, may we approach the bench? Yes, for god's sake.
The witnesses are inexcusable.
Uh, i mean, excused.
Thank you, drive through.
Hey, beavis.
Remember that time we were here, And todd punched that-- Guess what, guys? Even though you ratted me out, You're so unreliable, they couldn't convict me.
So, i'm free.
And me and the boys want to give you A taste of our gratitude All night long.
Beavis, i wanna remember every moment of this night.
Mm-Hmm.
Unh! Heh! Ow! Ow!