Everybody Loves Raymond s08e11 Episode Script

All right, guys, let's play.
Come on, Ray.
Turn off the TV.
This is what you do now, huh? You play board games? I just like games 'cause it's something we can all do together.
Oh yeah, absolutely family fun.
Come on, let me kick your ass.
Marie, come back here.
Your father is impossible.
You know I don't like my orange juice with pulp.
It says right here, "no pulp.
" You and that are liars.
I'll give you both $100,000 if you go home right now.
The Caribou Lodge is closed today, so he's hanging around the house and he's making me miserable.
You ain't doin' that much for me either.
What do you mean the lodge is closed? We're having some financial trouble due to a recent thinning of the herd.
"Thinning of the herd"? The old men are dying.
Yeah, we're down to four days a week now.
If things keep goin' this way, we may have to close altogether.
Oh God, no! You guys need some new blood? Blood, hips, hair whatever you got.
You know, Frank, I know that up till now the lodge has been a men's club, but if you were to consider For get it! You know what they did at my parents' country club? I don't think anybody wants to hear a fancy country-club story right now, dear.
It's not a fancy country you know what they did? - They had special recruiting events.
- What do you mean? Recruiting events to attract new members.
They had a wine tasting, a casino night, a luau.
Or you could raid a nursing home.
Since this is a men's club, you could have a manly, football-watching, meat-eating party.
I like football.
I love meat.
- But we can't.
- Why not? Well, O'Neal used to handle all that party crap, and he was part of the thinning.
You could do this, Frank.
All it is is a party and then some follow-up phone calls to the guests.
When I was in PR, I did it all the time.
Maybe you could do it again.
- Me? - We'll pay you.
I'll pay you.
She's not gonna do that.
Well, uh excuse me.
I might wanna help them.
I have the time.
What are you talking about? You've got plenty to do around here.
I mean, the place is all messy and Take it, Ma.
Debra is a wonderful housekeeper.
Get to the lodge.
Hey, Debra's here! Ha ha ha! Thanks, Garvin.
How you boys doin'? We're terrific.
How's our favorite busy bee? Great.
I've got all your membership records together here.
Tomorrow I'm gonna put them on the computer.
Oh! Didn't I tell you fellas? O'Neal couldn't do that even when he was alive.
Debra, you've been workin' all week.
Why don't you punch out for the day? Yeah.
Have a drink with us.
I'm buying.
Stan's buying.
Wow, Debra, you're here on a historic occasion.
I'm not buyin' for you.
I'm buyin' for Debra.
Come on, Debra.
Get over here to the watering hole.
Watering hole because we're caribou.
All right, fellas.
Hey, you know what? Thank you.
I've gotten a great response to the football party.
You must've put your picture on the invitation.
Aw, Albert! Hey, Debra, I was thinking of another fundraising idea: The Caribou Follies.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Back in the service, we used to put on shows, you know, where we dress up like broads and dance around.
Some of us still do.
Hey, you know what? We could do something like that without the dressing-up part.
If you guys want to have an event like that, we could do it right here.
You already have a piano.
And we've got a piano player.
Hey, Hal, saddle up.
All our numbers are before your time, Debra.
Oh! Oh no, I know this one.
Come here.
Listen.
It's like our own private Andrews sister! Do some more.
Ray's here! Ha ha ha! - Hi, honey.
- Hey, hi.
Hey! Hi, everybody.
So, how's work goin'? Fine.
Busy.
What's up? No, it's just a bunch of those RSVP things you wanted - for the football thing.
- Oh, thank you.
So, uh, you gonna come home soon? Yeah.
I still have a few things left to do.
Do you know "Chattanooga Choo-Choo"? That's it! So you're almost done here, though, right? 'Cause Mom's over, and she's talking to me a lot, so maybe you could come home now? Come on, pal.
Give her a break.
Raymond's kind of a killjoy, huh, Frank? Gets it from his mother.
I'm not a killjoy.
I just don't enjoy sing-alongs.
I guess the jokes are from his mother, too.
All right.
Okay.
Well, have fun playing with your friends, and then I'll just be home waiting.
You know what, Debra? Your wife's a nag.
Wow, I'm tired.
Yeah, you must be, yeah.
Next time, you should tell the guys, "Go easy on the up-tempo numbers.
" Hey, I worked hard today.
You just happened to come in when we were singing and drinking.
I understand.
It's gotta be exhausting entertaining the troops from the Civil War.
You know, Ray, you were welcome to join us.
I was?! You mean I could have hung out with Max and Albert and Rip Van Gassy? I like them, and I like helping them out.
Why does this bother you so much? It doesn't bother me.
If that's how you wanna enjoy your twilight years, go ahead.
You are so immature.
- You make fun of them for being old.
- They made fun of me.
Yeah.
I hope you're as charming as they are when you're their age.
I can be that charming right now.
Hey, toots! Hey, 23 skidoo! You know what, Ray? At least those guys are appreciative of what I do.
And I'll tell ya something else: It's very nice having somebody be a little attentive once in a while.
- Oh, come on.
- No! I mean, those guys compliment me on my ideas and tell me how great I'm doin'.
They're completely grateful to have me around.
And you know what? I bet those gentlemen could teach you a thing or two.
Like what, how to wear my pants up high? All right, that's enough jokes, Ray.
Yeah.
Grow hair out of my ears.
Enough, Ray.
Drive with my blinker on.
Ray! Okay.
Sorry.
- Yell at a squirrel.
- Oh! Reuse a tea bag.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, uh I just want you to know that, uh I heard what you said last night about, you know, being appreciated, and I'm sorry sorry for all the dumb jokes.
I think it's nice what you're doing with the old guys.
Well, thanks, honey.
That's refreshing.
Okay, I'm going to the lodge.
- Now? - Yeah.
I've still got some work to do, and the computer's coming today.
Oh well, you'd better get down there.
They're probably sitting in front of it waiting for "Mannix" to come on.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's nice.
It's nice what you're doing.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
Hello, Raymond, dear.
Do you have a moment? Not really.
I'm kind of swamped.
This won't take long.
Hello, Raymond.
Hi.
Hi, Hilda.
Miss Pechi, Miss Lopman.
Hello, Raymond.
Is Debra home? I said I'd handle this, Hilda.
Raymond, is Debra around? We need to talk with her.
Actually, she just went down to the lodge.
- Oh! - Again.
What? What's the matter? I have to tell you that we find this whole situation a little troubling.
What are you talking about? You were all for this situation.
Your wife is out of control.
Hilda.
Raymond, I think you should suggest to Debra that she doesn't need to go to the lodge anymore.
What do you mean, Ma? She's doing great and the guys love her down there.
Of course they do! There's something quite inappropriate about a girl like her parading around in front of a group of men.
It's shameful.
Hilda, maybe you should wait in the car.
Ma, Debra likes her job and she said it's been good for her.
It's not right.
Debra's having an influence on the men.
Albert comes home and all I hear is, "Why can't you fix yourself up like Debra?" I can't compete with that.
Debra's under 60.
That's right.
Suddenly my Artie has all this pent-up energy.
Won't leave me alone.
He's pinching, making kissing noises I can't get mixed up in that nonsense.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Raymond, you know that I love Debra.
But I have to tell you, around men she has an air.
An air? You know All right! First of all, I don't know what you're talking about.
Second of all, don't do that.
Hey, Ray.
Oh, hey.
Shouldn't you be at the lodge with the rest of them? What's with you? Mom's bridge club apparently is a little upset over Debra working for you guys.
She's a floozy.
Aw, come on.
She just does some paperwork for us.
She's got my Joe gobbling heart pills.
Your husband's gobbling heart pills because he's had a 50-year love affair with ham.
So how come this week Artie used up a full bottle of Aqua Velva? Because we couldn't get him to use two bottles.
No offense, but your husband has a problem.
We can smell him underwater.
- I smell a cover-up.
- Yes.
You know what? You ladies are outta your minds.
Now I'm gonna watch the football game with my pants off.
Let's go, let's go.
Raymond, Raymond.
Raymond.
Please, just keep an eye on Debra, will you? I will, Ma.
And, Frank, I just want to say I'm about to start scratching.
Oh! Thanks, Dad.
I was never so happy to see you open your pants.
All right, they're gone.
Listen.
You gotta make Debra quit.
What? Get her outta there.
What are you talkin' about? You just said everything was fine.
I lied.
The truth is: The guys at the lodge are ogling your woman.
What do you mean? Is Debra really flirting with them? No no, it's not her.
It's the guys.
They stare at her, and then they exchange looks with each other.
And then when she leaves the room, well, let's just say there's been some commentary.
Oh my God! I know.
I hate hearing those things.
Debra's like a daughter to me.
And yet, these men are my brothers.
It's a pickle, I tell you! What do they say? You don't need to know.
Just get her outta there.
Wait wait.
What do they say? I'm not allowed, don't you get it? I'm not supposed to tell you what goes on at the lodge.
It's the Code of the Caribou.
All right.
Look, you're nuts.
The whole thing's probably blown way out of proportion.
Certain things about her have been mentioned.
Like what? Her ankles her gams that's legs.
Her, uh derriere.
What?! Don't make me go higher.
What the hell goes on down there? Son, it's it's time you knew something about The Caribou: They're pigs.
Where are you going? I'm going down to the lodge, okay? I'm gonna talk to your friends.
You didn't hear this from me.
You didn't hear this from me! I'll lose my antlers! So I have all the RSVPs for the football party on here.
And then, if you drag this file over here and open it, here's the follies.
Hey, that reminds me we were workin' on a new song, and we were thinking we'd like you to sing it.
- Who, me? - Yeah! I mean, I guess I could, if you need performers.
Come over here to the piano, Debra.
Let's give it a whirl.
Okay.
Hal, a little "Put the Blame on Mame.
" Hey, wait! You know what would be fun? Get on top of the piano where everybody can see you.
No! Yeah? - Yeah! - Okay.
Hurry up.
All right, that's enough! Hey, Ray's here! Ha ha ha! Shut up, Garvin! Ray, what's goin' on? It's all right, Debra.
You can come down now.
Hey, we're in the middle of a rehearsal here.
Yeah well, the show's over, Max.
Debra, come down.
I have something urgent.
It's an important thing to tell you.
- Okay.
- Here you go.
Hey hey, no touchin'! Ray, stop! What is wrong with you? They're just being nice.
No no.
I know you think because they're old, they're all cute and sweet and grandpa-y.
They're not they're dirty, filthy men.
Ray! If he calls me old again, I'll put him right on his ass! I'm sorry, Garvin.
Ray, maybe you should go.
I apologize, guys.
No no.
They should be apologizing to you.
What for? Let me tell you something about your charming gentlemen: They're animals.
The minute you turn your back on 'em, they're talking about your derriere.
That's right.
And points north.
Oh! That's not true.
You guys wouldn't talk like that about me, would you? Max? I just wanted to learn the computer.
Oh yeah, come on.
You mean to tell me that you all haven't been saying things about her? I certainly have not.
I happen to be madly in love with my wife.
And I'm engaged.
Hey, Ray.
I think you're way outta line here.
Where did you get all this stuff about us? - Yeah! - Yeah, where? From me! Frank? You broke the code! I don't care! The one time we have a nice lady work here, you guys have to act like idiots.
I'm like her father.
This isn't just some loose broad.
Thank you, Frank.
Come on, let's go.
Let's get outta here.
Wait a minute.
I don't need you two guys to rescue me.
I'm perfectly capable of handling this on my own.
I thought you were gentlemen.
I thought you appreciated the work I was doing here.
And I thought men of your generation would have a little class.
I guess I was wrong.
I have to say, I'm very disappointed.
Let's go.
She does look very nice leaving.
Marie, I'm gonna play your cards this hand.
All right.
I have more sandwiches if you want.
No, thank you.
Hey, Ma.
Oh hi, ladies.
Hello, Raymond.
Ma, did you sew that shirt button on for me? Of course.
Here.
Have a sandwich.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
I'll go get you the shirt.
All right.
Oh, come on.
Uh, Raymond, I think you missed a little on the floor there.
If I was Debra, I'd be nicer to him.