Friends s08e11 Episode Script

Phoebe.
Look at that guy by the window.
Wow! He's awfully short.
And I think he's talking to himself.
And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.
What is wrong with me lately? It's like, every guy I see.
That guy, for example.
That's not someone I would be attracted to.
But right now, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Wait! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy.
This is normal.
Your hormones start going crazy.
- Really? This has happened to you? - Absolutely! And I was carrying triplets.
So in medical terms, I was thrice as randy.
This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store, sitting on Santas' laps.
Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield.
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow.
Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Yeah, that's what you need.
A good pill.
The One With Ross' Step Forward mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 - I got our pictures developed.
- Great.
Want to see pictures of us skating? Ordinarily, I would love to, but I am just swamped right now.
Where are the ones that pretzel vendor took of us? Oh, yeah.
Probably at the end.
Oh, my God! All he took were pictures of my breasts.
I'm missing picture time! You know, she has a face, Ross.
- Okay, here's a good one of us.
- That is a good one! It looks like a holiday card.
With the tree and the skaters and the snow.
I want to send out cards, but I never do.
Do you want to send this one out together? Together? Like, to people? Yeah.
"Happy Holidays, from Mona and Ross.
" lt'll be cute, okay? Okay.
I gotta go to work.
Call me later? - Bye, guys.
- Bye.
Congratulations! You just got married! Can you believe that? What's the big deal about a holiday card? Married couples and families send out cards.
People who just started dating don't send out cards.
Is she crazy? That's your wife you're talking about! Bing! And the Bingette! - You remember my boss, Doug.
- Yes.
Hi.
Good news! The divorce is final.
I signed the papers this a.
m.
You and Kara divorced? I'm sorry.
Sorry? I finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap.
- Congratulations to you guys.
- No leg-chewing for us.
Well, give it time.
The divorce, the marriage, we got a lot to celebrate.
We should all go out to dinner tomorrow.
I can't think of anything we're doing.
Why can't I think of anything? Tomorrow.
I'll be out of court by 6.
They keep throwing sexual harassment cases at me, and I knock them out! Okay, see you tomorrow.
We're not seeing him tomorrow.
I can't spend another evening with that man.
Remember how he behaved at our wedding? Because he wasn't invited.
He misbehaved at our engagement party.
Oh, yeah! Urine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn't it? Hi! I went by the photo shop.
Take a look.
Here is a mockup of our card.
What do you think? Looks great.
Do you think it should say, "Love, Ross and Mona"? Well, we haven't said that to each other yet but I guess it's okay to say it to others.
- How many did you want? I'll get 100.
- A hundred? Well, I guess I'll take Mona? I'm not sure about the whole card thing.
Really? Why not? Sending out a holiday card together? I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.
I didn't think of it that way.
You're right.
- Can I ask you something? - Yes.
Where are we? You know, where are we? Where is this relationship going? I love spending time with you.
I just hope we're moving forward.
We should talk about that, don't you think? Let's do the card! - What? - The card! I think we're there! Okay.
But I still think we should have this talk.
Really? Even with the card? Dr.
Long can't be here today, so Dr.
Schiff will be seeing you.
Okay.
Can I ask you a question? Was it me, or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? You know who I'm talking about? Bowl haircut, hairy fingers? - Hi, Rachel? I'm Dr.
Schiff.
- Yes, you are.
So, how's it going? Really, really good.
But enough about me! Come on.
Where are you from? What do you do? - I'm a doctor.
- Right.
I meant in your spare time.
Do you cook? Ski? Or hang out with your wife, or girlfriend? I have no wife or girlfriend, but I do ski.
I love to ski! How amazing is this? - Are you experiencing any discomfort? - No, I'm very comfortable.
- Any painful gas? - No! Dr.
Schiff! What kind of question is that? Would you like to lie down on the table? Would you like me to lie down on the table? - Is there something going on here? - Do you feel it too? - Hi.
- How did your doctor's appointment go? Let's see, they gave me "cute boy" doctor today.
In the middle of the exam, I put my pinkie in his dimple.
- Oh, my God! - Why did you do that? Remember my problem during my fourth month of pregnancy? Oh, yeah! The Evander Holyfield phase.
Man! You were so hard up, you practically came on to me.
You wish.
I could have had you if I wanted you.
Oh, yeah? Come and get it.
Okay, even this is turning me on.
Ross! How's it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together? Yeah, we're moving forward.
You'll be getting our card.
You're doing a holiday card? Not just a card.
She wants to talk about where the relationship is going.
Women! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation? No man would ask a woman, "So where is this going?" Ross, you asked me that.
You were a closed book, okay? I'm not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations.
I'm horrible at them.
Really.
Maybe I need some kind of a gesture that says we're moving forward without talking.
Like asking her to move in with you? Smaller than that.
- Making her a mix tape? - Bigger than that.
- Give her a key to your apartment.
- We were closer with the mix tape.
Have you said, "I love you"? I don't think I'm quite there yet.
But I could say, "I love spending time with you.
" - We hate that.
- It's a slap in the face.
Forget it.
You know what? I'll just have the conversation.
I'll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best.
What do you think, Rach? I think if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
Bing? We're all set for tonight, 8:00.
We can't do it.
Monica has to work.
My ex-wife didn't work.
Unless you call turning into her mother "work.
" Fine.
Tomorrow night then.
- Tomorrow's no good for her, either.
- Why not? It's the semifinals of her bocce ball tournament.
What's going on, Bing? Does your wife have a problem with me or something? Well, now you're just talking crazy.
Then why can't we all go out together? Because we split up.
Monica and I split up.
Hold me.
Good God, Bing.
Well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised.
I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there.
And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
What would really help me through this tough time is choking someone.
Bing, my boy, we're gonna get you over this.
Here's the plan: We're going to a strip club! Oh, no! Monica would freak.
But to hell with that bitch! Here we go.
Mona, it's time we had a conversation about where things are with us.
Yeah, I think I suggested that.
We are so Well, I really like you.
And I love hanging out with you.
And I'm having a lot of fun.
Okay.
There's no point in spending time with someone if it's just fun.
It's gotta be going somewhere, right? So where is it going? That's the real question.
And the answer is it's going somewhere fun.
I know what you're thinking.
Fun was fine for you 10 years ago.
But you're not getting any younger.
No! I mean, not you.
Not you.
You are getting younger! You're getting younger by the second.
What's your secret? - I'm sorry, so where are we? - Well, to sum up we're having fun.
You look young.
- Okay - But that's not enough.
So here's a key to my apartment.
- Really? - Really.
You don't think this is too fast? You gave her a key to your apartment? Not just a key.
I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship! - Ross, how did the conversation go? - Great.
I live on the street.
Where? - Hi.
- Okay, Monica, Rachel this is my friend Roger.
- Hi, Roger.
I'll get us some drinks.
Could you help me? Yeah, okay.
He's here to have sex with you.
- What? - You're welcome.
- Phoebe, no! - It's okay.
He's a virgin.
Rachel, I was talking to this guy.
I think he'll have sex with you.
Let's leave them alone.
No! I don't care what my hormones are doing! I won't do it with some guy! Fine! Then you tell Roger, because he was really looking forward to this! Bing! Look at those twin sisters dancing together.
Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls.
That's all right, sir.
And that's just one girl.
- Bing, what's this? - It's a hand.
You use it as a drink holder.
It's a wedding ring.
Get rid of it.
We'll throw it in the East River! - No! - Yes! I did it, and I felt a lot better! You might even hit a seagull in the head.
Okay.
I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys.
Apparently, I give them away for no reason at all.
Ross, what's going on? You're changing the lock? No.
That guy is.
You give me a key to your apartment, and then you change the lock? Good luck, buddy.
I thought we were moving forward.
Now you're sending me these mixed signals.
What are you trying to tell me? I'm trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.
- What? - I love you.
And I love spending time with you.
- Hi, honey, I'm home.
- From the tequila factory? To avoid going to dinner with Doug, I told him you and I split up.
So he took me to these sleazy strip clubs.
When I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a can at a bird.
Come here.
I can breathe through my mouth.
- Sweetie.
- You know what the worst part was? I saw what my life would be without you.
It was like "It's a Wonderful Life" with lap dances.
Please promise that you'll never leave me that we'll grow old together, and be with each other always.
I promise.
How about we send out a holiday card together this year? I don't know if we're there yet.
I'd like to order a pizza.
Can I ask you a question? Is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very "Abercrombie & Fitch.
" - I'll call you back.
- Who was that? - It's just the pizza place.
- You hung up on the pizza place? I don't hang up on your friends.
- Sorry, I'm just having a rough day.
- What's wrong? - You don't want to hear about it.
- Then why did I ask? Okay, this is embarrassing.
Lately, with this whole pregnancy thing I'm just finding myself How do I put this? Erotically charged.
Is that college talk for "horny"? Yeah.
I have all of these feelings, and I don't know what to do.
I can't date a normal person.
I don't need a relationship.
All I really want is one great night! Just sex.
No strings attached.
No relationship.
With someone I feel comfortable with, and who knows what to do.
For just one great night.
I mean, is that really so hard to find? So how was your day? Good.
I saw a pretty big pigeon.
I gotta get up early, and it's almost 7:00.
- I gotta go to my room.
- Good night! Good night! - I can't do it! - I didn't ask you to! - You're Rachel! My friend! - You're Joey! Plus, it would be wrong, and weird and bad! So bad! But I didn't ask you to do anything! I know! - You wanna do it? - No! - I'm just testing you! - No more of this talk! - This talk never happened! - Good night! Good night! Get back in there! Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger.
It really wasn't right.
And I want to make it up to you.
So I brought you something I think you'll really enjoy.
Now this is just a loan, okay? I'm gonna want him back.
I'm gonna go now.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could do it, and I can't.