Reno 911! (2003) s08e11 Episode Script

1 Remember us? The original Wu-Tang Clan.
Other than I mean the Yeah, we're the other guys.
- The other guys.
- Rizzo.
Junior.
Jimmy.
We used to have a problem with my bike getting, uh, stolen little bit.
Used to.
Check out the new theft deterrent.
Bomb squad whipped it up.
Bomb squad whipped it up and they put in a couple It's not gonna kill you but It's gonna scare 'em real good.
It'll zap you.
Yeah, it'll burn your fingers there.
Micrograms.
Now we wait.
Come and get it, assholes.
Just want to quit, get back and drinking.
Incoming.
- Anything? - Wait.
We going? - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
He's stealing it.
This is so cool.
Will we be able to hear it - when it goes off? - Maybe.
It already went.
We'll hear like a pop or something.
- It'll pop? - It's popped.
- Did it go? - It popped? - It blew him up.
He's gone.
- He's gone.
Oh, my God! Uh, good morning, gang.
- Mornin'.
- Morning.
Yo! Uh, Donner Pass carwash is offering, um I thought it was 30% off for law enforcement, but apparently it's three.
Yeah.
Do you have to have a car to drive through it? That's a great question, Trud.
Um Is it? Uh Oh, sorry, Declan is right.
No, that's not a good question.
Uh, also, I'm gonna need somebody to cover for me on Monday - and Tuesday and Wednesday.
- Not it.
- Not it.
- Not it.
I'm just gonna be out for a little bit next week.
- What are you doin'? - And part of this week.
- Hmm? - What are you doin'? Uh, personal stuff.
Jim has cancer.
He's going to be out for three days with cancer? - No.
- Does Jim have a dance recital? No, no, it's, um No.
I wish I wish I did.
- It's dumb.
Ugh.
- What is it? Jim, don't get another dick piercing 'cause you were - That didn't go well last time.
- The guy won't do it again.
No, the short thing is stupid.
You know? Um Do you guys know how my wife, uh, Deb, mysteriously died? My ex-wife Deb.
- Uh, huge investigation.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So - That's not mysterious.
Uh They're It's dumb.
But they think that they that I should answer questions about it or something stupid.
Everything points to an accidental death of Deb.
I happened to be with her that night.
So there's like a lot of like, "Hey, make sure that you see" The stuff that I've read that got leaked to the press, seems like there's no fucking way it was an accident.
- Well - Wait.
And no matter what you've read or seen on the stupid Internet We also handled the evidence.
I had nothing to do Also the stupid New York Times which they called, like, - the record of whatever.
- Stupid New York Times.
Those fucking dickweeds.
I don't know how they got some of that stuff, but it's definitely They tell you.
They said they got it from the police.
- I had - They got voicemail messages from my phone.
I can tell you right now.
I never killed my wife.
- Mm.
- Nothing.
I got a great lawyer.
I feel great.
I have nothing to hide.
- You and Deb - Clem.
had an incredible relationship.
That's true.
She was my best friend.
You She was your best friend.
- I remember.
- Yep.
Mm-hmm.
You were talking to Deb on the phone.
You said, "Deb, if I were there right now, I'd kick your fat ass down the stairs.
" - Mm-hmm.
- I want that.
When you can joke around with your spouse.
I remember one time, we were in the locker room.
You stayed naked way too long, - like you always do.
- Yeah.
We were having one of those things where who hasn't, blah, blah, blah - Yep.
Mm-hmm.
- And then you said, "Who hasn't kicked the wife down the stairs?" And that wrecked the conversation.
Everybody stopped and it was awkward and weird.
Mm-hmm.
I remember when we were drunk, and you told us this happened previous to your ex-wife.
- My very early wife, Lauren? - Yeah.
- The blender one.
- Yeah.
The one that fell in a blender.
- Mm.
- Right.
I don't see how that relates to this in any way.
Jim, do you even realize how many people die around you? The short version's I'm going to be out for a couple of days or weeks or if things don't go well For the rest of your life - in jail.
- Yes.
Come on in.
Hello! - Hi there.
- Hi.
Oh, my goodness.
- Mrs.
Mertz.
The Yes.
- Lorraine Mertz.
Ms.
Mertz Miss! You must be James Dangle.
That's me.
- Have a seat.
- Oh, I was gonna say I was gonna say "Guilty as charged," but obviously not.
I I just want First thing I want to say to you is Mr.
Dangle, please don't put your hand - on my knee.
- Sure, I won't do that.
Mr.
Dangle? Oh, hey.
I'm your defense attorney.
Okay? - My job - Great.
- is to get you acquitted - That's good.
Yes.
- of all charges.
- Whoo.
All charges.
Well.
So my first question - to you is - Right.
did you kill your ex-wife Deb? Uh That's That's the million dollar question.
Yeah.
Mr.
Dangle, I think what you wanted to say to the end to that question is, "No, I did not.
" No, I did not.
That's what, that I don't want to put words in your mouth - because that's not what we do.
- Pfft.
Okay, so, events of the evening.
Mm-hmm.
- The truth.
- Okay.
Deb, my ex.
- We're still very close.
- Mm-hmm.
We got a bunch of friends over.
Some mushrooms.
Coq au vin.
We're play We're definitely play goofing by the pool.
- Have you had a coq au vin? - Terrific.
We make the coq au vin.
I do my famous bit.
The famous bit is, I've got an apron, I lift it up, I've got a vin on my cock.
"Coq au vin time!" Everybody laughs.
- Okay, Mr.
Dangle.
- Yeah.
Can you tell me where you were - when you, when you discovered - Yes.
your ex-wife dead? Right above her? How am I covered in her blood at the scene found above her, but didn't do it? - Right? - I think that is the question that everybody wants to understood Everybody wants to understand.
- Been wondering am I crazy.
- How did you not do it? Did you have any motivation to kill your ex-wife? No.
That's the crazy side.
I mean, per financial or personal? Let's start with personal? - Uh, um No! - Financial? - Yes.
- Okay.
She's the reason most of my fucking ridesharing ratings are bad.
When you get in with Deb and Deb's like, "Get off your fucking phone, driver.
Turn the air up, driver.
Do this.
" She just No, when it comes back, that's James Ron Dangles.
That's my star rating.
Again, this is fuckin' camaraderie.
I don't know how we fucking lived in in a fucking I blame - Obama.
- I do.
I do.
My theory of how my beloved best friend, gal pal, Deb Deb Ended up deceased was, was silent killer of the skies Let's I think we should write that down.
Let's use that.
Okay.
Silent killer of the skies.
Owls.
An owl.
- Owls.
- Owls.
Mexican owl Those - Mexican owl.
- Mexican owls I think - would be very effective.
- Yeah.
I like that.
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You will thank yourself and the ants will thank you for respecting their infrastructure.
This is So this Trudy is going to be Deb.
Can I Trudy, I don't want to note you - to death.
- Yeah.
Deb usually has a look on her face like, she's just, like, so judgmental.
- Okay.
- Can you hear me? Even when she was dead? - Even dead.
- Okay.
Deb's here talking shit.
Classic Deb.
"Why didn't you ever make that documentary you were going to make?" That's something she might say.
Hey, Jim.
Why didn't you ever Come on, let's hang out right here on this fine "Because it's fucking hard - to make a documentary, Deb.
" - Mm-hmm.
- So, was she - "It takes a long time, Deb.
" And I might say something like that.
If you're raising your voice, again, doesn't that negate the owl thing? 'Cause noise scares owl.
That's exactly right.
- Okay.
- "Deb, give me the money - for the documentary.
" - Okay.
Okay.
- "You're my best friend.
" - No.
I got it.
- Smash! - Aah.
Uh, wait, wait Smash a place that doesn't show because I had nothing on my face.
- No physical evidence.
- Okay.
"Deb, stop choking me.
- No.
" - And blood splatter pattern.
- Anything? - Not really.
- No.
- So if the owl's coming in then why does she you're trying to save her from the owl Back hand.
Look, back hand.
- Back hand.
- Ow.
- Here's the owl.
- Okay.
Okay.
Oh, I'm flying over - Okay, I think we get the idea.
- Back hand.
- I think we get the idea.
- I'm going to get this owl.
I'm going to get it.
Come on, owl.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Back hand.
This explains no owl marks.
- Does it? - Makes you a hero.
- Yes.
- Makes you a hero, doesn't explain that you are unconscious.
Okay, Mr.
Dangle.
I'm going to show you the deposition - of Leslie Frost.
All right? - Yeah.
Can you please put out the joint? Yeah, absolutely.
I can put out the joint.
Mr.
Dangle, put out the joint.
- Mr.
Dangle.
- Go ahead.
I'm doing.
Jim mentioned killing his ex-wife Deb every time we spoke.
Bullshit.
You didn't Have you ever known that Dangle was previously married? Oh, yeah.
He's been married numerous times.
I think there were a couple before or during the time that he was in the Coast Guard.
Well, one of them fell into an industrial blender.
He wrote about it.
He made a play.
It's called Mistrial.
It was a one act.
It was okay.
It was limp.
A thing that he brought up all the time.
The first time we met Uh, several times throughout our relationship.
And then also in a text message earlier that day.
He said, "I am going to kill Deb with a blow poke and blame it on owls.
" And then an emoji of the guy laugh crying.
And then a short video of Armie Hammer doing sit-ups.
The night of the dinner party was, uh quite a night.
I'll never forget it.
Deb was throwing one of her Thursday night soirées and a bunch of person come over.
We'd all microdosed mushrooms and we were sitting around waiting for the coke to arrive.
Jim was yammering on about his documentary project that he was trying to get off the ground.
And there was a knock at the door.
And when I opened the door, standing there was an alien disguised as an owl.
Everybody else saw an owl, but I knew what that alien was up to.
I screamed "Alien, alien.
Illegal alien.
Very illegal alien.
" And when I finally opened my eyes, I see Jim standing there over Deb's bloody corpse.
Screaming "I got it.
I got it good this time.
" And I go He didn't think that was funny.
Antonio smelled like hot sex that summer.
I'll never forget the taste of liquor on his dick.
May I ask you something? - Yeah.
- What are you talking about? Um, I've never done one of these before.
I just seen them in movies.
So I thought this is how it kind of went.
Look.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Jim did text me to ask if I knew where he could buy an owl.
Good morning, Reno.
This is Trudy Wiegel from the Reno Sheriff's Department.
And I'm got What am I supposed to say? - Action! - Hi, good mor How's it start with? Good morning, Reno.
I'm Rudy Uhm It's just going to take me a few times.
Good God.
I can do it.
Can you just fix it after? - No - I have to say it, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Good morning, Rudy.
Good morning, Rudy.
Trudy.
Good morning, Reno.
This is Trudy Wiegel from the Reno From the Reno.
From the From the Reno.
From the Reno.
Mm.
From the From the You know when you say something so many times and then it sounds like, like, it's not really a word, like, say "yogurt" a lot.
Yogurt, yogur Ru Good morning, yogurt.
Ugh! Are you waving at me, sir? - Uh-huh.
- Maybe if I pop up.
Good morning, Reno.
Good morning, Reno.
I'm Trudy Rudy.
Mm.
This was so close.
And action.
This is Trudy Wiegel from the Reno Sheriff's Department.
And I I would like to remind you to renew your fishing license before the first of the year.
There it is.
Got it.
- That's it? - That's it.
Well, that's fucked up.
I could have done that.
This They're gonna They're gonna fucking get me with this one.
This is stupid.
I bought a couple of piñatas of Deb.
We used to Boys will be boys.
We used to goof around and let off steam and I had a couple dozen piñatas of Deb and I Sorry, I was just taking a squirt.
- Yep.
Oh - I overheard you talking - about - Yeah.
Yeah.
Has this been here the whole time and I just didn't even see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's always there.
No matter No Close your eyes.
She's still there.
You win.
Where Where are we pickin' up? Some new information - has come to light - Whoo.
and I'm just gonna play this for you.
Mm-hmm.
Debbie! Oh, that's them.
And I am very worried for my life because Jim is addicted - to diet pills.
- Hey, Deb.
Have you seen where I put the blow poke? They were banned in the 1970s for inducing psychosis.
A lot like tab which I missed tab and I'm Makes I'm getting off track.
Deb, let me pitch you the documentary again.
Gary warned me.
Gary Werner is my husband's name.
But Gary warned me is what I'm trying to say that he's after me for money for a documentary that he's making about documentaries.
Gary says not to give him money but I love him.
I've always loved him and I want to help him but I can't.
Right now I've got to be strong.
I'm worried because the last thing he texted me was Deb, there's an owl out here and it doesn't seem friendly.
The owls.
Oh, no, he is.
Never mind.
I'm going to give you what you deserve.
What does that even mean? Oh, hi.
You don't have to hide, Deb.
Deb, don't you hide.
Don't you hide from me! Is this about the, uh, botched murder investigation? I've already given several depositions about the botched murder investigation.
I understand.
This is about the accidental death of Debbie Dangle.
Oh! Yeah, same thing.
Are you familiar with this dramatic work? Yes.
Uh, Invitation to a Nerder.
I've had to read this many times - and give my thoughts many times.
- Mm.
Uh, this is, uh Uh, Lieutenant Dangle wrote this.
- Hmm.
Uh, wife.
- It was a handsome cowboy type whose wife was killed by owls and then the handsome cowboy type wrote a play about it and became rich and famous.
Mm-hmm.
It It does not It does not work.
Would it be conceivable that his best friend looking to get into his good graces would kill his ex-wife? Well, theoretically, yeah.
- So, yes.
- But Jim's asked me to kill people all the time.
Wouldn't it be easier for for everybody Mr.
Junior, if you just told the truth, and confessed that you killed Debbie Dangle, get you out of here and then we could put this whole thing behind us? I'm high as a kite, thank you.
I can't do anymore.
- A little? - I'll do it one more.
Hey, if I say something can it stay in this room? - Of course? - I think he did it.
Mr.
Dangle, and I'm going to touch your hand now.
In my professional legal opinion, you're fucked.
You're going to go away for a very, very long time.
And we're going to do everything in our power to make sure that you have the best circumstances in your prison cell that are possible.
Hey, good news.
One of the jurors just fell into a blender.
There's been a mistrial.
- You're free.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, you're free.
- Oh, God.
Ha! Fucking, that dumb redheaded one is not a surprise.
So dumb.
Well, it doesn't say which one.
I don't We'll never know which one but so dumb.
Oh, my God.
Come here.
Here's the thing that no one that no one will talk about in all this.
So she was my best friend.
I love Deb in ways that a lot of people I don't think will ever even really understand.
And what do What happens when you just keep kicking at me, you keep kicking a guy? She was my best friend.
I love her so much.
You guys I think you guys have all you need, right? Did you get me out looking sad and saying Deb was my best friend and, yeah? And how this is owl country, yeah? Cool.
Are we good then We're good then probably? Thank you.
Thanks, Deb.
Bluebeard.
You killed them all when they opened the door.
What was behind the door? All of Bluebeard's brides.
Oooh.